Would you tell your teen girl to stop making faces?

[38carrots]

She has a couple of facial expressions which mean "I told you so / that was stupid" and / or "Really? How could you?" that look so horrible to me. Her face just becomes all scrunched up and twists all over. And they are not fleeting either, she makes them and then holds them.

 

Is it only me who is bothered by them or is there a chance other people might as well? Should I tell her not to make them? Do something less drastic, like a raised eyebrow?

 

 

[Farrar]

I was totally that girl.

 

She's probably not 100% cognizant that she's doing it and that it's that obvious and rude.

 

Pushing back really hard won't help for most kids. In a calm moment, I'd calmly and carefully tell her that she's very expressive and that everyone can see what she's thinking when she's annoyed or displeased and sometimes it's just as strong as saying it out loud so she might want to work on schooling her reactions a little assuming it's a moment when she wouldn't say it out loud.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Nah

 

Sometimes ignoring something is as (or more) effective.

 

Edited July 19, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[maize]

I'd be tempted to take a photo. I wouldn't just spring it on her though, I might find a way to incorporate short, non threatening social skills lessons into our week and maybe include this in a body language unit. You could also have pictures of her when she has other expressions on her face--happy, thoughtful, interested, bored, etc. and ask her to identify the expression and consider what others might see in it.

 

Not really a "don't do this" kind of a lesson, just aiming at self awareness on her part. You might have her identify some of your own expressions as well and tell you how she reacts to each one.

[ThursdayNext]

Yes, she might not realize how she looks. I didn't realize for a long time that I had no poker face. What I thought were mild facial reactions were actually over the top. Although I'm probably still doing it sometimes...😳

 

Take a picture! Send it to her. Just keep doing that and you will not need to say a word.

[EKS]

I have a 20yo son, and he does things that totally annoy me.  

 

My new thing is to inform him that if he does whatever it is to people other than me it will likely not be a good decision.  

 

It seems that when I frame it that way, the message gets through.  Sometimes.

Edited July 19, 2016 by EKS

[Joshin]

My almost 16 year old went through the over the top eye roll phase a year or so ago. Drove me batty, but I took it in stride. First, because from my own teen years I knew this was really the last gasp outward display of the childish talking back of elementary/middle years, so we just had to get through this. Second, not the mountain I wanted to die on. I took the calm acknowledgement path -- "I know it's frustrating/annoying/tedious/whatever, but let's keep it respectful." When and if innocence was feigned, I would then quickly mimic the expression. Never a big deal, never let it escalate into an argument or a discussion, for that way lies madness. I am happy to say we only average about one eye roll every couple of weeks, and usually they are much less over the top and often followed by a sheepish smile when he realizes someone saw him.

[fdrinca]

I'd be tempted to take a photo. I wouldn't just spring it on her though, I might find a way to incorporate short, non threatening social skills lessons into our week and maybe include this in a body language unit. You could also have pictures of her when she has other expressions on her face--happy, thoughtful, interested, bored, etc. and ask her to identify the expression and consider what others might see in it.

 

Not really a "don't do this" kind of a lesson, just aiming at self awareness on her part. You might have her identify some of your own expressions as well and tell you how she reacts to each one.

 

I'd thought about this in relation to the underwear post as well. Perhaps the party doesn't know how they look, and might, with full information, change. 

[Murphy101]

If I think she was unaware of it - yes, bc people out in the world won't tell her, they will just avoid her and she won't understand why or why some people might think negatively of her.

 

If I think she is treating me "extra special" on purpose, I'd ignore it until I felt it was becoming a nasty habit in passive aggressive behavior and then I'd tell her knock off being turdy to me. (And also, privately I'd consider if maybe I am making faces I'm unaware of to her and work to correct that. I happen to have a couple kids who very much won't hear a single word I say or hear it in the light intended if they interpret my expression a certain way.)

Edited July 19, 2016 by Murphy101

[Guest]

Reflect the face back to her.

[redsquirrel]

Is it because you find it disrespectful or just that it isn't pretty?  If it is a parenting issue, then I think that's your call. I have no idea how you stop it, but good luck to you.

 

If this is a 'you look ugly when you do that' thing...well... get used to seeing a lot of it. If my mom said that to me I would have freaking glued my face in that position.

[Murphy101]

Reflect the face back to her.

That too. Lol. A sense of humor is very helpful at getting a point across sometimes.

[mamiof5]

I would. I think it's important to learn that we have to be pleasant and respectful with our words, but also our expressions. Our 10yr old makes really mean faces at times. It's something we are trying to work on 😉

[katilac]

 

If this is a 'you look ugly when you do that' thing...well... get used to seeing a lot of it. If my mom said that to me I would have freaking glued my face in that position.

 

Heh, so true. 

 

I can't imagine taking pictures of it is going to end well, either. 

 

I think quite a few teens have the long-suffering, I'm-surrounded-by-idiots look down pat. 

[Guest]

Reflect the face back to her.

Yup. Highly effective :)

[Murphy101]

Oh yeah. Yikes. I wouldn't tell my kid they look ugly. Geez. Ouch. It can be handled simpler and kinder than that. And I'd never record or take pictures of them at their worst on purpose. How awful. Gah. I hate technology in the digital age when it's used like that.

 

I don't even like those awful terrible no good videos of people talking silly when coming out of anesthesitic or on strong pain killers. I don't think it's even slightly amusing. I think it's awful and cruel and betrayal of trust.

 

I for sure am glad my worst parenting or wife moments are not forever immortalized for replay for someone else's amusement and self gratification to teach me some sick lesson about how I shouldn't ever let my guard down in my own home or around people I should be able to trust.

Edited July 19, 2016 by Murphy101

[heartlikealion]

I would try to let her know she's doing it and if I could manage to be gentle about it, be gentle about it. There was a girl we know that did that and she acted surprised when someone told her that it was obvious what she was thinking by her facial expressions. When I heard the story I kinda laughed because she had given me a "you're stupid" look before which I didn't appreciate. Looking back maybe she didn't realize how much she was communicating.

[zoobie]

I say, "You're making that face. Is there something you'd like to discuss or do you need to regroup privately?" We have discussed "that face" and given impressions of it during times that are not emotionally charged.

[38carrots]

I was totally that girl.

 

She's probably not 100% cognizant that she's doing it and that it's that obvious and rude.

 

Pushing back really hard won't help for most kids. In a calm moment, I'd calmly and carefully tell her that she's very expressive and that everyone can see what she's thinking when she's annoyed or displeased and sometimes it's just as strong as saying it out loud so she might want to work on schooling her reactions a little assuming it's a moment when she wouldn't say it out loud.

 

It is slightly different. She makes them on purpose, in only particular contexts. Like she knows not to make this face to an instructor, for example. It is usually in a more light hearted context, where a raised eyebrow would be appropriate  / funny. Or even a milder expression. It is just that the face she makes is pretty horrible / ugly. And she makes her normal face into a grimace.

[catz]

It's not a hill I'd die on.  Honestly, at my house stuff like that might warrant a laugh and something like a "wow - you might want to check out that look in the mirror".   Or I might try and mimic the look.   I use humor a lot to defuse. 

Edited July 19, 2016 by WoolySocks

[gardenmom5]

She has a couple of facial expressions which mean "I told you so / that was stupid" and / or "Really? How could you?" that look so horrible to me. Her face just becomes all scrunched up and twists all over. And they are not fleeting either, she makes them and then holds them.

 

Is it only me who is bothered by them or is there a chance other people might as well? Should I tell her not to make them? Do something less drastic, like a raised eyebrow?

 

part of it's her age.  if it really bother you - point out how it comes across. 

but you might have better luck addressing the attitude behind the expression.  does she have a lot of anger or frustration?

[38carrots]

I say, "You're making that face. Is there something you'd like to discuss or do you need to regroup privately?" We have discussed "that face" and given impressions of it during times that are not emotionally charged.

 

She hardly ever makes the face to me lol. It is mostly to others. I don't even think it is disrepectful per se, it is light-hearted. It is just not cute.

[Janeway]

I would put a mirror in front of her face. LOL

[38carrots]

part of it's her age.  if it really bother you - point out how it comes across. 

but you might have better luck addressing the attitude behind the expression.  does she have a lot of anger or frustration?

 

This faces comes with a humorous attitude. It's fine. It is not about anger or frustration. Maybe I'm not explaining myself well lol

 

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited November 9, 2016 by cathey

[Harriet Vane]

I told my teens that rolling their eyes at me is exactly the same as telling me I am stupid. It's rude, and no, I do not accept or put up with it.

[Harriet Vane]

She hardly ever makes the face to me lol. It is mostly to others. I don't even think it is disrepectful per se, it is light-hearted. It is just not cute.

 

If it's lighthearted, I would respond differently than my other post. The attitude makes a big difference in response.

 

If others don't think it's cute, I would have a kind chat about it. If it's harmless but awkward, I'd leave it alone.

[redsquirrel]

It is slightly different. She makes them on purpose, in only particular contexts. Like she knows not to make this face to an instructor, for example. It is usually in a more light hearted context, where a raised eyebrow would be appropriate  / funny. Or even a milder expression. It is just that the face she makes is pretty horrible / ugly. And she makes her normal face into a grimace.

 

 

She hardly ever makes the face to me lol. It is mostly to others. I don't even think it is disrepectful per se, it is light-hearted. It is just not cute.

 

 

This faces comes with a humorous attitude. It's fine. It is not about anger or frustration. Maybe I'm not explaining myself well lol

 

 

 

Honestly, it sounds like, from what you are saying, that you just happen to think she is pulling an ugly face.  If that is the case I would leave it alone.  I would leave it very, very, very alone.

 

No teenager or really anyone, needs to hear 'you just look so ugly when you do that'.  Maybe she knows and doesn't care. It's not like it's her job to be decorative. So she thinks she's being cute but you think it's a horrible twisted grimace. So what? I don't think that anyone needs to have others micromanaging their expressions. Let her live her life, lol.

[katilac]

She hardly ever makes the face to me lol. It is mostly to others. I don't even think it is disrepectful per se, it is light-hearted. It is just not cute.

 

Then I wouldn't worry about it at all. 

[SKL]

Yes, in my family culture we address that.  If they are doing it at home, they will do it outside and lose friends and opportunities.

[goldberry]

DD did this for a long time.  She stopped when she was at a table with some friends, and one said, "Why are you making that face?"  She said, "What face?" and everyone laughed.  She was embarrassed.  But even though she said what face, the face disappeared after that, so maybe she really did know?  

[redsquirrel]

Yes, in my family culture we address that.  If they are doing it at home, they will do it outside and lose friends and opportunities.

 

They lose friends and opportunities for making an expression you find unattractive?

 

The OP has said it's not an eye roll or an expression of disrespect. It's just a face that the daughter thinks is humorous and her mother finds unattractive.

 

You would find simply making an unattractive face reasons for isolation and punishment?

[SKL]

They lose friends and opportunities for making an expression you find unattractive?

 

The OP has said it's not an eye roll or an expression of disrespect. It's just a face that the daughter thinks is humorous and her mother finds unattractive.

 

You would find simply making an unattractive face reasons for isolation and punishment?

 

She indicated it was a "told you so" or similar type of expression.  As I would tell my kids, that's not the way to Make Friends and Influence People.

 

Of course it has nothing to do with attractiveness (for me) but rather whether it's kind to the other person, from the other person's perspective.  Sometimes we need to remind kids that their communications (including facial expressions) may be received differently than intended.  "I thought it was funny" doesn't cut it.

 

I don't think I mentioned isolation or punishment....

[redsquirrel]

She indicated it was a "told you so" or similar type of expression.  As I would tell my kids, that's not the way to Make Friends and Influence People.

 

Of course it has nothing to do with attractiveness (for me) but rather whether it's kind to the other person, from the other person's perspective.  Sometimes we need to remind kids that their communications (including facial expressions) may be received differently than intended.  "I thought it was funny" doesn't cut it.

 

I don't think I mentioned isolation or punishment....

 

You said they will do it outside and lose friends and opportunities. It read to me like you were saying you sent them out of the house and took away privileges until they stopped. But now I see that it is a concern that they will make an unattractive face at a class or a job and lose friends.

 

I was like..wow, SKL, that's really harsh, lol.

 

[ThursdayNext]

Oh yeah. Yikes. I wouldn't tell my kid they look ugly. Geez. Ouch. It can be handled simpler and kinder than that. And I'd never record or take pictures of them at their worst on purpose. How awful. Gah. I hate technology in the digital age when it's used like that.

 

I don't even like those awful terrible no good videos of people talking silly when coming out of anesthesitic or on strong pain killers. I don't think it's even slightly amusing. I think it's awful and cruel and betrayal of trust.

 

I for sure am glad my worst parenting or wife moments are not forever immortalized for replay for someone else's amusement and self gratification to teach me some sick lesson about how I shouldn't ever let my guard down in my own home or around people I should be able to trust.

I'm not saying she should say anything. A picture is worth a thousand words, and her daughter can then decide if she wants to show that face to the world. I'm not suggesting posting it on Facebook or Instagram, or including it in the family photo album. It can be deleted right after sending or showing. A picture can be more helpful than trying to duplicate that face in a mirror.

 

And when my mom tried to imitate my face, it only made things worse. So annoying.

[J-rap]

I wouldn't make a huge deal of it, but I would find a way to let her know that it is not very pleasant and doesn't give off a very nice message.

 

I've found that once my kids are in their 20's, they are a lot less open to my advice and I'm not as comfortable about giving it either.  So, I cram as much advice into their teen years as possible!  :D

 

 

[amy g.]

I make a joke out of it. I told my kids that I have a PhD in reading facial expressions, then I go on to explain what they are expressing in a teasing tone.

 

They don't love it, but it gets the message across without a power struggle, and my champion eye roller did eventually break the habit.

[8circles]

Let it go or join in on her fun.  Its just a silly face that you don't like.  So what?

[happi duck]

At first I thought the faces were unintentional reactions but it sounds like she is consciously making these faces to be funny or whatever.

 

If it's on purpose and she's not hurting anyone's feelings then, to me, it's in the same category as the 'stick out your lips' face that is still popular despite pretty widespread criticism. Just for fun and no one else needs to agree.

 

If she's making this face and it's so mean that her friends are running off in tears then it's worth intervening. A face that says "you're stupid" is just as bad as saying it, IMO.

 

If her faces are unconscious reactions I know my DD would want me to kindly point it out because she wouldn't want to make them.

 

.

Edited July 20, 2016 by happi duck

[Katy]

I was that over-expressive kid.  I'm probably still somewhat over-expressive, but I'm okay with that, because people know I'm honest.  Two things helped. 

1. My parents had the foresight to take a video when they knew I'd have a reaction like that, and played it for me.  They never said a word, but I realized how horribly rude I was being and became more self-aware.
2. Horseback riding lessons.  You have to get to an advanced enough level that you're riding younger, less-trained horses, but when you get there, if you're not in control of the emotional state you're projecting, the horse WILL NOT obey your commands. To control the horse, you have to control yourself, which is challenging, especially to hormonal teens.

DH says martial arts lessons helped him the same way horses helped me.

[heartlikealion]

There are conflicting bits of info for me in this thread. It's an "I told you so"/"that was stupid" face but it's not rude? I could definitely see it being perceived as rude to others if that is what it conveys. I would just classify it as rude if it sends those messages to err on the side of caution.