Bridal showers for the old and rich (rant)

[Katy]

you sound very bitter and resentful.  are you jealous they're getting "stuff"?  (just becasue it's on the registry doens't mean it will be purchased.)

 

My dd got married a year ago.  she was 29 (dsil was 32.).  while she's lived on her own, she owned only the most basic of items.   dsil had a condo in a different  state.

by your reckoning - they were "old".  should they have not had showers?

or 1dd - who owns her own (family - not 'starter') home in a high COLA - by your reckoning, does that mean she shouldn't have a shower if/when she gets married?  or register for wedding gifts?

 

I'm not bitter.  I was actually looking forward to this shower until I looked at the registry.  Then I got irritated because of the greed.  These gifts on the registry are 80% in the $500 and up range, and there are multiples of several expensive items.  Things that most people wouldn't need or even want multiples of.

 

Your DD was not remotely in the same situation.  These are very high earning people who live in a very small city.  They've already upgraded their homes to a mansion.  A kid who is upgrading the bare bones stuff she had already isn't in the same situation as someone who can pay cash for anything she wants.  It was the amount and price of extraordinarily expensive things on the registry that shocked me.  Her fiance came to our wedding and brought no gifts.  His parents gave us $50 or $100.  80% of our guests gave us gifts in that price range.  That is the normal range for the area.  She's from a tiny farming town in the middle of nowhere.  I can't imagine her family is okay with this level of extravagance.   Maybe it's a ploy to irk her mother.  Or maybe it's just on the registry because several of her friends are getting married soon and she plans on buying the things to give to them.

 

Or there are several different colors/models they like and they don't care which one they get?

 

Nope, just multiples of the most expensive model in a single color.  Plus accessories.

 

No, but your experience has not been what I have seen in my circle. I have seen couples in their late 30's. Both divorced. Making a combined income of well over $500k, who own a house together and have lived together for years before getting married. That's a completely different circumstance, and most people you know well enough to invite to a shower are going to know the difference between your circumstance and the one I describe above.

 

Here's a good example of how the system is abused and can cause some hostility in some of us- I had a coworker who was a Director level. She made well over 200k. She had an affair with our VP who was also married, with two small children. She left her husband, and her three little kids for our VP, who then also left his wife alone with their two adopted special needs kids. The homewrecker then had the nerve to invite the entire company to her "get back on my feet" shower, which she had the secretary throw for her IN THE OFFICE. And yep. I sent her a copy of Emily Post, which I recognize could be construed as petty- but some people really are so self centered they do see things like this as nothing more than gifts owed them.

 

Showers have moved far from the standard first marriage affairs, or like your case where there was an ACTUAL need involved, like they were in the past. I am tired of having wedding invites from children of coworkers I have never met, or relatives' children I have never met. I am tired of requests to help the couple pay for their honey moon by saying "cash preferred", or of someone on their fourth marriage sending me a link to their wedding registry in the wedding invite. It just pushes you past a point of irritation at a certain place, where it's no longer about celebrations. It's about gifts, which can make one feel rather exploited, particularly when you're perceived as a person with money and that they are owed something for having made your acquaintance.

 

Bwahahaha!  I'm not at that place, but I find it hilarious.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Reading this thread made me realize that we didn't do a shower for either of my older girls. Oops! They were both set up in their apartments, so I guess they didn't need anything. Because of military commitments, both real weddings were a bit rushed, but Navy girl's celebration wedding (they'd actually married a year before) wasn't a huge do. Both the bride and groom brought full apartments to their new house, so again, guess they really didn't need anything. I'm a really bad mom, I guess!

 

I didn't have a shower.  Not my thing.

 

I had a small baby shower.  Even that wasn't my thing, but at least it was low key.

[ktgrok]

Yep, I don't believe that a divorcee should have a shower unless it's a truly unusual situation like a domestic abuse survivor. You had your chance for a shower the first time around the block.

 

Wow. 

 

I had a lovely shower for my 2nd wedding. I'm really glad my friends and family were excited to see me happy and eager to share in the celebration. 

 

Besides, I'd sold most of our stuff when we got divorced and I had to move in with my parents. Paying for storage for a bunch of stuff for years would have been silly. And I couldn't have afforded to anyway. 

 

I got married the first time in a rush, 2 months after finding out I was pregnant, to a man with serious mental health issues. But either way, people make mistakes. I cannot imagine being so cynical so as to begrudge a bride to be a set of kitchen towels and a chance to celebrate her new found love. 

[ktgrok]

Also, keep in mind that if they are considered wealthy in their area, maybe they have a lot of wealthy friends and family? Or maybe they were dealing with a pushy salesperson who kept pushing them to register for those items?  And it is REALLY easy to accidentally register for more than one with some of those scanner guns in places that use them. Not to mention, after a while you can get a bit slap happy doing it, and register for stuff just as a wishful basis, not really expecting people to buy it. Again, especially if they have well to do relatives and family, because you just never know,a nd wouldn't it be awesome if great aunt Midlred DID buy if for them?  That kind of thing. 

[FaithManor]

I was expecting this thread to be about senior citizens getting married....... and showers for them. Lingerie for granny ;)

Oh my, yes. My grandmother got remarried when she was 74 after six years of widowhood. Some crazy granny person at the church bought her an outfit from Fredericks of Hollywood. Grandmother was rather mortified, LOL.

 

While I expect to the be the granny at 74 still wearing lingerie for DH  :D , I will probably still be at a stage of life where I don't really want to receive it from my friends or relatives!  :eek:

 

Off topic: But dear best friend and I have a pact that when one of us dies, the other immediately goes to her home and confiscates a certain lovely box of things that might be best for our children to NOT find while grieving. This is a solemn, pinky swear, blood sister, don't fail me now kind of promise!

[catz]

 

Off topic: But dear best friend and I have a pact that when one of us dies, the other immediately goes to her home and confiscates a certain lovely box of things that might be best for our children to NOT find while grieving. This is a solemn, pinky swear, blood sister, don't fail me now kind of promise!

 

Oh I don't know.  The bottle of viagra my brother found in my dad's stuff within a day of his death brought us a good laugh and the knowledge he was enjoying his life to the last!  :lol: :hurray:

[Caroline]

I'm not bitter. I was actually looking forward to this shower until I looked at the registry. Then I got irritated because of the greed. These gifts on the registry are 80% in the $500 and up range, and there are multiples of several expensive items. Things that most people wouldn't need or even want multiples of.

 

Your DD was not remotely in the same situation. These are very high earning people who live in a very small city. They've already upgraded their homes to a mansion. A kid who is upgrading the bare bones stuff she had already isn't in the same situation as someone who can pay cash for anything she wants. It was the amount and price of extraordinarily expensive things on the registry that shocked me. Her fiance came to our wedding and brought no gifts. His parents gave us $50 or $100. 80% of our guests gave us gifts in that price range. That is the normal range for the area. She's from a tiny farming town in the middle of nowhere. I can't imagine her family is okay with this level of extravagance. Maybe it's a ploy to irk her mother. Or maybe it's just on the registry because several of her friends are getting married soon and she plans on buying the things to give to them.

 

 

Nope, just multiples of the most expensive model in a single color. Plus accessories.

 

 

Bwahahaha! I'm not at that place, but I find it hilarious.

Is it possible that the multiples were a computer glitch? Maybe they meant to put one on the registry but accidentally clicked the 2?

[TX Native]

I'd like to address expensive gifts on the registry. I did not register for many expensive gifts because I did not expect people to spend that much money on our wedding gifts. We were in our early 30s and I had a furnished house with the basics. We were not in as good financial shape as the bride and groom in OP , but not in need of much either. A few people that I did not expect a gift from at all gave us a generous amount of cash in addition to what I would consider a generous portion of the high-end everyday day dishes I registered for instead of China. A couple people even casually mentioned at our low key wedding reception they wanted to give us more in terms of material gifts, but they bought all I had requested on the registry of the items they chose. One was my husband's boss and the other was my mom's boss. A few more were extended family on dh's side that were well off. Even though we didn't know them well, and I didn't expect much from anybody, they were used to spending quite a bit on wedding gifts I suppose.

 

The bride likely has family or close friends that are on the richer side who would like to willingly buy something more expensive. It is easier for them to choose off a registry than try to guess at what she does or doesn't have already. I would guess the bride does not expect to get all the expensive items on her registry, but rather just offering a variety to those that would like to spend more. When I am invited to a baby or bridal shower for an acquaintance or casual friend, I suspect the expensive items are there for close family or rich relatives to have options. It is nice if the registry includes several $20-$40 items for people that don't spend much on gifts due to budget or just not knowing the bride or groom well, but if it doesn't that is fine. We got gifts like picture frames, photo albums, vases, candles, bottles of wine, and restaurant gift cards from people who either don't have a lot to spend or didn't know us too well. None of those gifts were on the registry, but I was thankful for them just as much as I was thankful for things from the registry.

 

One more useful reason for expensive gifts on the registry is to give an opportunity for groups of people to go in on a group gift. Some groups of people prefer that. My husband's coworkers went in together on a grill for us when we married. None would likely have spent more than $15-$20 each, but collectively it was well appreciated. I recently contributed a small amount on expensive baby gift for a neighbor. It's fine to receive a bunch of small things or give something small, but it is equally nice to give or receive a more expensive gift from a group.

[Katy]

Is it possible that the multiples were a computer glitch? Maybe they meant to put one on the registry but accidentally clicked the 2?

 

Except the multiples are in quantities of 3, 5, and 10, I would agree with you.

 

Also, the last time we were around him he was complaining about the whole process, saying she just took over, and the few things he wanted to register for she said no, since she had a precise list.  She never struck me as a control freak in the time I've spent with her, but...  having seen the "precise list," now I have serious doubts about the whole relationship.  This will be only the second wedding I've ever been to that I'm predicting won't work.

[Mergath]

It does sound like, given that most of the less expensive gifts on the registry had already been purchased, that many of the couple's friends and family aren't in the same income bracket, and they perhaps should have been more sensitive to that when they decided what they wanted. Most of my friends are middle class or below, and if I got remarried I would never fill my registry with expensive gifts because it would just make everyone feel bad that they couldn't afford any of the things I wanted.

[Liz CA]

So this is the time to put together a really nice recipe book - perhaps mostly for baking if she will be utilizing several KitchenAid mixers. I think this has been done before with a decorative 3-ring binder, clear inserts and printed off recipes from whatever sources. (Not that I would really know since I have not a creative bone in my body).

If you want to personalize you could have someone professionally print their name, the wedding date, etc. on the binder. But that may be a little over the top.

Honestly, things like this are often treasured much more than the $150 per set china which the first child will smash to pieces.  :laugh:

 

[ktgrok]

 

 

Off topic: But dear best friend and I have a pact that when one of us dies, the other immediately goes to her home and confiscates a certain lovely box of things that might be best for our children to NOT find while grieving. This is a solemn, pinky swear, blood sister, don't fail me now kind of promise!

 

 

Good idea. My poor husband found both his mother's marital aid (battery operated device) and nude photos of her and his ex step father. UGH. Some things can't be unseen. 

SaveSave

[Guest]

It does sound like, given that most of the less expensive gifts on the registry had already been purchased, that many of the couple's friends and family aren't in the same income bracket, and they perhaps should have been more sensitive to that when they decided what they wanted. Most of my friends are middle class or below, and if I got remarried I would never fill my registry with expensive gifts because it would just make everyone feel bad that they couldn't afford any of the things I wanted.

I totally agree. The entire point of etiquette is to put OTHERS at ease and make them comfortable. It sounds like the bride to be is a little out of touch on that, be it unintentional or otherwise, and is making her guests uncomfortable with her registry. It might have been better to have two registries in her case, and when people call to ask where she's registered she could provide one for her wealthy relatives and then a more affordable registry to Target or Kohl's or something for other guests outside of the family circle. And if someone asked about a larger group gift idea she could say, oh why that's so kind! Here's a link to our "family" registry with some additional ideas, but please don't feel obligated to spend that much! That's etiquette.

[ktgrok]

I will totally agree that common (I thought) etiquette for a registry was to have many items at all different price levels, to accommodate different budgets. 

[Guest]

I will totally agree that common (I thought) etiquette for a registry was to have many items at all different price levels, to accommodate different budgets.

I think it used to be common (etiquette). Circumstances around me lately cause me to doubt it. Somehow, somewhere is changed. It seems highly correlated with the rise of the Internet, although it may not be causal. But it makes sending all of these invitations easier and cheaper, so maybe it started there. We got graduation invitations this year for kids of FORMER coworkers, kids that we had never met, never spoken with, never seen pictures of. Along with a lovely note in the graduation announcement that only ticket holders (not us) were invited to attend. I just don't get it.

Edited June 27, 2016 by texasmom33

[Guest]

I didn't even HAVE a registry.  And I'm not one bit sorry.

 

I had a wonderful friend who gave great advice to everyone who asked what to get me:  Get her something beautiful.  If she needs something, she'll get it for herself.  But she won't buy beautiful things for herself. 

 

She was right on, and I still have most of the beautiful things (that haven't been broken)--and every time I use them, I am reminded of the giver--but the useful stuff...most of it...has gone the way of all flesh.   

 

Besides, my mom's friends gave the bridal shower and that's where I got my kitchen set up.  But it was like "three spatulas from Dorothy" and "rolling pin from Alice."  Very simple and actually amusing for all the comments that went with the gifts.  My beloved and very close aunt gave us a set of Farberware pans and we were completely stunned at her generosity.  

 

It must have been a different time...or a different planet.  Whatever, it was a place I miss.

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

When DH and I got married, we each already had everyday dinner ware and stainless.  So we decided to register for actual China, and my mother very subtly convinced me over a period of time to register for actual silver as well.  This was fairly pricey stuff.  So we also registered for little items like salt spoons, and an olive/pickle/butter fork, and demitasse spoons.  BUT, and this is MOST important, we did register at Macy's but we also registered for this stuff at Ross Simons, which had it all at 35-40% off. 

 

AND, we registered for lots of small and medium priced things at Williams Sonoma--an ice cream scoop, cloth cocktail napkins, little cruets for oil and vinegar, baking stuff, kitchen towels, mixing bowls, pot holders, a nutcracker, etc.  And we asked our families to let people know about both. 

 

Looking back on it, I was surprised at how much we really did like the stuff that wasn't a surprise, because although normally I am all about surprises, DH and I had such a lovely time picking these things out that we were thrilled to get them.  And the non-registry stuff was very thoughtful and nice, too, like one of my best friends getting me an original watercolor that was similar to one I admired on a trip we had taken together a couple of years before, or the family in which the parents got us a card table (so sensible!) and the elderly mother of the wife got a tablecloth for it, and the grown daughter got cloth napkins that went with that.  Thoughtfulness is more important than generosity.

[TX Native]

Except the multiples are in quantities of 3, 5, and 10, I would agree with you.

 

Also, the last time we were around him he was complaining about the whole process, saying she just took over, and the few things he wanted to register for she said no, since she had a precise list. She never struck me as a control freak in the time I've spent with her, but... having seen the "precise list," now I have serious doubts about the whole relationship. This will be only the second wedding I've ever been to that I'm predicting won't work.

Well, after this follow up post, maybe the bride does expect only specific high end things.

[FaithManor]

I think it used to be common (etiquette). Circumstances around me lately cause me to doubt it. Somehow, somewhere is changed. It seems highly correlated with the rise of the Internet, although it may not be causal. But it makes sending all of these invitations easier and cheaper, so maybe it started there. We got graduation invitations this year for kids of FORMER coworkers, kids that we had never met, never spoken with, never seen pictures of. Along with a lovely note in the graduation announcement that only ticket holders (not us) were invited to attend. I just don't get it.

File 13! I could not believe the announcements we received from kids we'd never knew existed. Crazy!

[Bluegoat]

I tend to think of wedding showers as not being the same kind of thing as weddings - to me they are meant to be more personal.  I'm not crazy about the trend to making them for the bride and groom together - that seems a little redundant to me.  But - the bride and her friends (or in some cases co-workers or whatever.)  So the gifts I think of are typically smaller and more personal, and really for her more than for the household. 

 

The gift thing is tricky. I think one thing to keep in mind is with people who are well off, it is entirely posiible that a lot of their social circle is well-off, and so will be tending to spend a lot on gifts.  Like - what kind of gifts would you see at Elton John's wedding?  Did he really need those things?

 

But there is a kind of weird unplesent graspieness about a lot of these kinds of events in recent years, and I think that seeps into the whole thing.

 

There is some sense in the idea of people contributing household items at some earlier point in life.

 

[Guest]

File 13! I could not believe the announcements we received from kids we'd never knew existed. Crazy!

 

One year, when I was in college, I got so many invitations I couldn't afford to get presents for everyone.  I moved out of town for the summer and worked at a resort.  

 

Avoidance behavior at its finest.

[Scarlett]

Yep, I don't believe that a divorcee should have a shower unless it's a truly unusual situation like a domestic abuse survivor. You had your chance for a shower the first time around the block.

I had a personal shower for my second wedding. And people brought gifts to the wedding. It wasn't a gift grab......it was a chance for my loved ones to share in my happiness.

[KungFuPanda]

I couldn't be on your side once you said thirty was old. I'm just gonna sit my old @ss down over here and glare at you in a curmudgeonly fashion. I will hold this grudge for exactly 24 hours, so just know you're getting the stink eye for the duration.

[umsami]

I think everybody wants to be feted when they're the bride.... regardless of income or age. 

 

But it's totally OK to go off registry.  One gift that I've given a few times that has been well received is the Betty Crocker Bridal edition cookbook with a nice pan or something.  Costco has those eco-pans which are nice (can't remember exactly what they're called, but supposedly healthy non-stick.) 

 

Food subscriptions are fun gifts.  Zingermans.com is one place with some fun ones.

 

Another nice gift is just a gift card to a nice place for brunch or something with a reminder to keep dating each other for a happy marriage.

[Caroline]

Maybe they are planning to auction the extra mixers on eBay to pay for the honeymoon.

 

Me, I love a good shower. I love giving gifts. A great gift is a monogrammed large tote from LL Bean with some nice beach towels. Or cheap target beach towels.

[OneStepAtATime]

Maybe they are planning to auction the extra mixers on eBay to pay for the honeymoon.

 

Me, I love a good shower. I love giving gifts. A great gift is a monogrammed large tote from LL Bean with some nice beach towels. Or cheap target beach towels.

Love those cheap Target beach towels.   :laugh:

 

We got several sets of towels for our wedding.  (not registered for, they just were some of the things we got).  One set was Ralph Lauren.  One set was Target.  We still have the Target ones 20 years later.  The Ralph Lauren?  They fell apart after 5 years.  

[TX Native]

Love those cheap Target beach towels. :laugh:

 

We got several sets of towels for our wedding. (not registered for, they just were some of the things we got). One set was Ralph Lauren. One set was Target. We still have the Target ones 20 years later. The Ralph Lauren? They fell apart after 5 years.

Come to think of it, the cheap Target towels I bought long before I married have outlasted the more expensive Bed, Bath, and Beyond towels I registered for and received as a wedding shower gift. The BB&B ones are used for dog baths and messy clean ups now.

[Katy]

I'm leaning towards a gift card for lingerie. Someplace medium end like Victoria's Secret.  In fact, maybe I'll make that my go-to gift for all bridal showers these days. I remember wishing I had more lingerie when I got married, but feeling like I should spend that money in other ways.  And even if she only buys lingerie at la perla, I'm pretty sure she can regift or get some pajamas.

[OneStepAtATime]

I'm leaning towards a gift card for lingerie. Someplace medium end like Victoria's Secret.  In fact, maybe I'll make that my go-to gift for all bridal showers these days. I remember wishing I had more lingerie when I got married, but feeling like I should spend that money in other ways.  And even if she only buys lingerie at la perla, I'm pretty sure she can regift or get some pajamas.

I have a friend that would give lingerie for showers, but it always fit in a ring box.  Really tiny lingerie.  I got one, too.  Still have the ring box.  The box was nice.  :)

[nd293]

We did 'no gifts' for exactly this reason. It is quite possible to party / enjoy yourselves without receiving gifts. We were certainly not anything like that well off back then but we had both had separate apartments and had the basics and I could not bring myself to ask for stuff (eg a registry) when I knew that most people were like us and starting out.

[gardenmom5]

I'm leaning towards a gift card for lingerie. Someplace medium end like Victoria's Secret.  In fact, maybe I'll make that my go-to gift for all bridal showers these days. I remember wishing I had more lingerie when I got married, but feeling like I should spend that money in other ways.  And even if she only buys lingerie at la perla, I'm pretty sure she can regift or get some pajamas.

 

dd had several friends give her lingerie at the shower I attended.  she is an extremely private person, and  she was very uncomfortable by such an intimate gift.  (the person grabbing it and holding it up for everyone to see just made it worse.)

 

I was at a shower with an older woman who used to always give lingerie.  she'd reached the point she gave basic cleaning supplies. mop, bucket, scrub brushes in various sizes and shapes, various solutions, etc.

[Crimson Wife]

Whoa.  Do you know how mean and petty that sounds?

 

I was married at 22 and divorced by the time I was 25.  I would not consider myself an abuse survivor but my husband did not live up to our marriage vows if you know what I mean.   I left that marriage with a car, a few pieces of furniture, some stock in the company I worked for, and credit card debt.  I moved into a dumpy apartment which was so damp I had to throw out my mattress, my books, and all my bedding when I moved out a year later.

 

14 long years later I remarried.  My coworkers (who knew I'd been married before) wanted to give me a party to celebrate.   Do you really think there was something wrong with that? If you had been my coworker then, would you have said that to me when you received your invitation?  Or to the people who organized it?  

 

You would have my sympathy for what your first husband did to you, but I would still feel it is inappropriate to have a traditional bridal shower for a remarriage. I would give you a congratulations card but would decline the shower invitation.

[Crimson Wife]

 To this day, it upsets me that perhaps because we had careers and it was his second marriage, we weren't deserving of a shower in their eyes. 

 

If it was your first marriage, then you are eligible for a bridal shower. The shower is for the bride, not the groom.

 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

You would have my sympathy for what your first husband did to you, but I would still feel it is inappropriate to have a traditional bridal shower for a remarriage. I would give you a congratulations card but would decline the shower invitation.

 

If I knew someone well enough that they would invite me to their shower, I would want to celebrate their new phase of life with them and get them a gift.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Regarding proper etiquette, those relying on Emily Post would be well served to understand that times and traditions do change.

[Crimson Wife]

.it was a chance for my loved ones to share in my happiness.

 

That is what an engagement party is for. Showers are to "shower" the bride with gifts.

[OneStepAtATime]

If I knew someone well enough that they would invite me to their shower, I would want to celebrate their new phase of life with them and get them a gift.

Me too.

 

FWIW, my 1st cousin has been married 3 times. Did she plan to have two marriages fail? No. But it happened. And it was gut-wrenchingly hard to get over both times. Just because she was married more than once did not make me feel like I should fail to support her with her next shower/wedding.  I was happy to attend all three showers and all three weddings. Each was at a different period in her life, showers were thrown by different friends, but she was and is still my cousin, I love her and I wanted to show my support and to celebrate with her. I think it would have been incredibly petty and mean if I had failed to attend strictly on the grounds that she had already filled some shower quota with her first one. Sorry, Cuz, I can't be there to celebrate your happiness. Only one shower per person allowed. Thankfully her last marriage has been a great match (over 20 years and still happy) and she and I have happy memories of being together at her shower and her wedding.

Edited June 28, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[Excelsior! Academy]

Is it possible they are just out of touch and don't realize the rest of the known world can't afford this extravagance? OR Are they assuming people will go in together and purchase group gifts?

[SKL]

I didn't need a baby shower, but my folks insisted, and it ended up being a very nice event.  My people don't get together that often.  The "things" aspect made me uncomfortable, but receiving gifts is part of life too.  That doesn't end when you cross some income threshold.

[marbel]

You would have my sympathy for what your first husband did to you, but I would still feel it is inappropriate to have a traditional bridal shower for a remarriage. I would give you a congratulations card but would decline the shower invitation.

 

Declining the invitation is always the best option when one disapproves of the event!  

Edited June 28, 2016 by marbel

[Χά�ων]

 

My old @ss is dismayed by the mindset of the OP and several other posters. I guess this is more reason to cherish my non judgemental friends.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

Ok, but wait..."old"?  They aren't old.

Cough-cough-I was 39 when I married! And yes I had a shower but did not expect anything even though I had a registry and nothing on the registry was $500. As for what my husband and I already had, of course we had many house things already since we both lived as singles for a long time and maintained our own places but I still wanted to experience many of the things that go along with a wedding like a shower even though we did all of our wedding festivities on a shoe string since we had to pay for it:)

[ktgrok]

That is what an engagement party is for. Showers are to "shower" the bride with gifts.

 

And one of the ways we celebrate is by giving gifts. Again, I can't imagine being so cynical and bent out of shape that I would begrudge a FRIEND a picture frame or "our first christmas" ornament or a freaking set of gift towels. 

 

Seriously, a friend manages to find love, and when you get the shower invitation instead of thinking "awesome! I'm so excited for her! Wonder what I should get?" you'd think "Greedy! No kitchen towels for you!"??

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I didn't have a shower.  Not my thing.

 

I had a small baby shower.  Even that wasn't my thing, but at least it was low key.

I agree with the low key. I think the wedding industry is a big racket and that it is foolish to spend tens of thousands of dollars on weddings and honeymoons. I also do not care for some of the so-called wedding rituals that you commonly here which we skipped as well. We spent less than $6000.00 for our whole wedding, invitations and all. Plus, the only reason it was not less was because my mom insisted on a different caterer and such and would not less us print our own invitations on very nice invitation paper ourselves.

 

I had only a maid of honor and she wore a dress that she wanted. If I had had brides maids I would have done the same. I had no photographer and instead left disposable cameras on every table a the reception and several relatives filming and taking pictures. We rented no limo and had a friend of the family drive us in his old cream colored bently. I had a friend of the family make my veil and got my dress at David's. Plus, the only reason, I got the dress at David's was because I could not find a pretty regular (non wedding) gown in my plus size. We made a lot of the decorations for the tables. The shower and reception were held at my parents' house (we were lucky here since it was a very nice house). My engagement ring was a simple, small antique diamond ring from the early 1900s that we bought for $300. We planned our honeymoon at the last minute and  did a car trip to Maine and stayed for about a week seeing several cities there.

Edited June 29, 2016 by NoPlaceLikeHome

[SamanthaCarter]

I totally don't get registries. When I registered, I went to a couple of sources that suggested what a new bride should regisiter for to outfit her new home. I took out the things that I already owned or had no desire to own, and added a couple of things. I did it carefully and thoughtfully. Then I ended up with a TON of crystal stuff and decorative platesand THREE of the same clock. Probably 80% of our gifts did not come from the registry and were of no use to me! I would have been better off if people had just given $10 in a thoughtful card. Because I ended up buying my cookware set and our sheets on my own and mom bought us a set of dishes that Christmas so we didn't have to continue using our garage sale dishes. 

 

When the time came for a baby registry, I had a mom help me do it. People DID use that registry, but I still ended up with a ton of stuff I did't need or want because I had no idea that babies required so little. :) Either way, TOO MUCH useless stuff!

 

ETA: Perhaps part of my unability to understand this stuff is that gifts are not my "love language." I feel so much more cherished when given help or time. 

Edited June 28, 2016 by SamanthaCarter

[elegantlion]

I like the idea of celebrating a new phase of life. 

 

As a twice divorced woman, I've had two bridal showers. The first involved household stuff because I did not have my own place previously. After divorce I was left with some of it. Then when current ex and I married (pause, think through that sentence, laugh, it's okay), we both had households. We asked for camping equipment (we camped on our honeymoon). It was great. We did get pots and pans from MIL and I still use them (20+ years later). 

 

If the fiery depths of hell freeze over and I do marry again, I would not be opposed to a shower. It's a different phase of life, a different circle of friends. I would hope they would want to celebrate and, imo, those gifts would provide a tangible blessing to a new relationship and start of a new life. Would I register for a Kitchen Aid mixer? Probably not because that's not where I am in life. Right now I'd probably register on Amazon and ask people to buy off my book list.  :lol:

 

As to the expensive items, I can see maybe parents suggested those with the idea they would purchase for the wedding. I've seen that happen a lot. 

[Scarlett]

As to whether it is called an engagement party or shower...Are gifts not allowed at an engagement party?

 

Some of this stuff is regional.....and some of it is well if you disapprove of an event just politely decline. My mom HATES with a purple passion all things gift registry. I tell her just buy what you want. She feels the entire gift giving experience is ruined for her because of she buys from the registry she is resentful......if she buys off the registry she imagines ( erroneously) IMO that they won't like it anyway.

 

I love registries. Especially if I don't know a person that well. It gives me a guideline. If I am close to someone I might not use the registry and buy something more personal to that person. Like with my best friends second marriage I bought her a set of crystal wine glasses.

 

Dh and I didn't need anything of course. We were mid 40s.....I did actually need personal stuff....because I went a little nuts in throwing out every single thing my Xh had seen me in. Ha......anyway my girlfriends had a fabulous time throwing me a personal shower. It is a good memory.

 

And as always I buy gifts I can reasonably afford coupled with my relationship with the gift receiver.

[Bluegoat]

Some people do get twisted out of shape if you buy off-registry, or give a gift when they want cash. 

[OneStepAtATime]

I'm trying to puzzle this out.  For those of you who seem adamantly opposed to showers for people who have been married before, are you saying that anyone who gets married then divorced or widowed are selfish greedy little grabbers of stuff if they get married again and their friends/family choose to throw them a shower in celebration?  Are you saying they should tell the people wanting to throw them that shower to just stick it in their ear?  Why?  The two events are not the same.  

 

The shower for the first marriage was to celebrate that marriage.  It is now over.  It happened at a different time in that person's life.  The shower for the second marriage is to celebrate the second marriage.  They are not related.  People are gathering to show support and to celebrate the second marriage.  People have different needs at different times in their lives.  Why is it wrong to celebrate the second marriage with friends/family?  Do you see them as "bad" people for having had a failed marriage so they don't deserve to celebrate a second marriage?  Or is it simply that gifts given should only be given when a couple is young and just starting out?  Do you see the people giving the gifts at the second shower as idiots?  People with blinders on to just how greedy their friend must be for accepting a shower for their second or third marriage?  

 

Maybe this should apply to birthdays, too, since that is also a celebration that includes gifts.  Sorry, kid.  You are allowed one birthday celebration.  You already had yours.  Too bad you were too young to remember it.  No more celebrations for you.  

 

This whole line of thinking makes me sad.  

[Caroline]

I'll come to your shower and get you an Amazon gift card. And probably some fun thing that I will put the gift card in because I'm like that.

 

I like the idea of celebrating a new phase of life.

 

As a twice divorced woman, I've had two bridal showers. The first involved household stuff because I did not have my own place previously. After divorce I was left with some of it. Then when current ex and I married (pause, think through that sentence, laugh, it's okay), we both had households. We asked for camping equipment (we camped on our honeymoon). It was great. We did get pots and pans from MIL and I still use them (20+ years later).

 

If the fiery depths of hell freeze over and I do marry again, I would not be opposed to a shower. It's a different phase of life, a different circle of friends. I would hope they would want to celebrate and, imo, those gifts would provide a tangible blessing to a new relationship and start of a new life. Would I register for a Kitchen Aid mixer? Probably not because that's not where I am in life. Right now I'd probably register on Amazon and ask people to buy off my book list. :lol:

 

As to the expensive items, I can see maybe parents suggested those with the idea they would purchase for the wedding. I've seen that happen a lot.