Bridal showers for the old and rich (rant)

[Scarlett]

Some people do get twisted out of shape if you buy off-registry, or give a gift when they want cash.

I am sure some do. People are all kinds of rude and entitled and clueless. But that doesn't affect how I give gifts.

[whitestavern]

DH and I got married. I was 30; he was 31. We both were living on our own. We both had good jobs. Yes, we had "stuff", but it was either hand me downs from our parents or thrift store items, a lot of mismatched, college coffee mug type of stuff :) It was nice to get new shiny pots and dishes (and who owns good china before they're married?) But to me it's not really about getting stuff anyway. It's tradition. People like to throw them. It's a great way to bring everyone together. For lots of people it's the first time many friends and relatives of the bride and groom are meeting.

[Guest]

Regarding proper etiquette, those relying on Emily Post would be well served to understand that times and traditions do change.

Which is why they constantly update it- there are new versions out frequently ........saying there is a point in time where etiquette is no longer required is a sad day. It's all about making people comfortable and having societal standards in place. Rather like the original political correctness.

[Tita Gidge]

I think where things get murky is the perception of WHAT FUNCTION the shower serves. There are two camps.

 

For some, it serves a social announcement of sorts - a celebration, a public recognition, etc. These are the people who see nothing wrong with multiple showers, whether it's for subsequent children in close proximity or established singles getting married. It's not that they want to GIFT GRUB for subsequent children or a new marriage; it's that there's no separation of NEED from CELEBRATION in their minds.

 

They need to understand that you can still celebrate an event or child, independent of a shower.

 

For others, it serves as a practical valediction - a type of send-off or preparation for a new stage of life for which the recipient is unprepared. These are the people who see no point to have multiple showers, especially for subsequent children in close proximity or established singles getting married. It's not that they want to IGNORE those subsequent children or to not CELEBRATE a marriage; it's that there isn't an easily discernable practical NEED for a shower to do those things.

 

They need to understand that norms are evolving to reflect the former, and that most people don't intend it to be a gift grab.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Which is why they constantly update it- there are new versions out frequently ........saying there is a point in time where etiquette is no longer required is a sad day. It's all about making people comfortable and having societal standards in place. Rather like the original political correctness.

 

I didn't say it wasn't needed.  However, even the Emily Post standards were based on certain cultural assumptions that were not as standard as many wanted to believe.  And many still cling to the outdated standards even though they have been updated.

[Arcadia]

There are variations depending on family culture and social circles.

 

For mine,

Engagement parties are hosted by parents (or equivalent status of parents have passed) of the couple, and are informal let your hair down events. There could be one by the bride's parents and one by the groom's parents depending on how big the extended family is.

 

Showers are hosted by friends and/or co-workers so a bride could have a few bridal showers with different groups of people.

 

Bachorlette parties are hosted by girlfriends.

 

Wedding parties are sit down banquets and very formal. The kind that warrant a trip to the dry cleaners and to a hair saloon. My friends would jokingly say a trip to a manicure saloon as well as a makeover session at the cosmetic store/counter.

 

My in-laws have less customs and are also less formal. My MIL has even less customs as her single parent was very poor. It was awkward because my FIL's sisters were helping her navigate my family's customs.

[Lawyer&Mom]

By OP's standards I was old and rich when I got married. I already owned a home and had a fully stocked kitchen. And yet I registered for household goods anyway. Because it's tradition. Because people *want* to make a durable contribution to your new household. Because if we didn't register we might have gotten cash, god forbid. (Cash is totally practical, but so not my culture.) So after we got all new everything, we showered our friends with gifts. My younger sister got my flatware, as we owned the same out of print pattern. My other sister got my pans. My newly divorced coworker got all my plates and glassware. It was fun to give people nice things.

[Χά�ων]

I'm trying to puzzle this out. For those of you who seem adamantly opposed to showers for people who have been married before, are you saying that anyone who gets married then divorced or widowed are selfish greedy little grabbers of stuff if they get married again and their friends/family choose to throw them a shower in celebration? Are you saying they should tell the people wanting to throw them that shower to just stick it in their ear? Why? The two events are not the same.

 

The shower for the first marriage was to celebrate that marriage. It is now over. It happened at a different time in that person's life. The shower for the second marriage is to celebrate the second marriage. They are not related. People are gathering to show support and to celebrate the second marriage. People have different needs at different times in their lives. Why is it wrong to celebrate the second marriage with friends/family? Do you see them as "bad" people for having had a failed marriage so they don't deserve to celebrate a second marriage? Or is it simply that gifts given should only be given when a couple is young and just starting out? Do you see the people giving the gifts at the second shower as idiots? People with blinders on to just how greedy their friend must be for accepting a shower for their second or third marriage?

 

Maybe this should apply to birthdays, too, since that is also a celebration that includes gifts. Sorry, kid. You are allowed one birthday celebration. You already had yours. Too bad you were too young to remember it. No more celebrations for you.

 

This whole line of thinking makes me sad.

I will admit to reading on no sleep, but I gathered that those who were against it were only against it if the bride was remarrying. It did nit matter if it was the grooms first, third or fiftith marriage, but heaven forbid it was the brides second marriage.

[Katy]

And one of the ways we celebrate is by giving gifts. Again, I can't imagine being so cynical and bent out of shape that I would begrudge a FRIEND a picture frame or "our first christmas" ornament or a freaking set of gift towels. 

 

Seriously, a friend manages to find love, and when you get the shower invitation instead of thinking "awesome! I'm so excited for her! Wonder what I should get?" you'd think "Greedy! No kitchen towels for you!"??

 

FTR, I totally agree with you.  And if there was a single thing in that price range on the registry, I would get it.

 

I'm trying to puzzle this out.  For those of you who seem adamantly opposed to showers for people who have been married before, are you saying that anyone who gets married then divorced or widowed are selfish greedy little grabbers of stuff if they get married again and their friends/family choose to throw them a shower in celebration?  Are you saying they should tell the people wanting to throw them that shower to just stick it in their ear?  Why?  The two events are not the same.  

 

The shower for the first marriage was to celebrate that marriage.  It is now over.  It happened at a different time in that person's life.  The shower for the second marriage is to celebrate the second marriage.  They are not related.  People are gathering to show support and to celebrate the second marriage.  People have different needs at different times in their lives.  Why is it wrong to celebrate the second marriage with friends/family?  Do you see them as "bad" people for having had a failed marriage so they don't deserve to celebrate a second marriage?  Or is it simply that gifts given should only be given when a couple is young and just starting out?  Do you see the people giving the gifts at the second shower as idiots?  People with blinders on to just how greedy their friend must be for accepting a shower for their second or third marriage?  

 

Maybe this should apply to birthdays, too, since that is also a celebration that includes gifts.  Sorry, kid.  You are allowed one birthday celebration.  You already had yours.  Too bad you were too young to remember it.  No more celebrations for you.  

 

This whole line of thinking makes me sad.  

 

"Showers" are to shower someone with gifts.  Traditionally, wedding showers are to help someone set up their home for the first time.  If you already have everything you need for your home, you don't need a shower.  Usually in these circumstances the person who gives a shower anyway, for the fun of it, selects a theme.  I've been to lingerie showers, cooking showers (recipes and non-perishable ingredients), and we-don't-need-anything but bring something for our favorite charity showers. It's not about the remarriage.  It's about having a shower to outfit a house that doesn't need it. Overall though, multiple showers isn't that big a deal, and I've happily gone to some for second marriages.

 

Similarly, usually people only have one (unisex) or two (gendered) baby showers.  Friends who have gone crazy with the baby shopping or who had very specific tastes (baby will wear only organic fair trade) usually do theme baby showers like "Bring your favorite children's book," etc.

 

If someone was in an extreme circumstance, like leaving an abusive marriage, or being somewhat poor, I would have no problem helping them out with anything I thought they needed.

 

In this case I thought the shower would be fun anyway, even though this bride doesn't need anything.  Updating Walmart housewares with Wiliams Sonoma is fun!  But then I see a registry with no reasonable housewares, only multiples of super high end stuff, and it's no longer so fun. It starts to feel ridiculous, manipulative, and unnecessary.  I wouldn't have the same reaction to a second marriage unless it was similarly greedy.  Unless the second marriage was the result of cheating on your spouse and stealing someone else's husband, and being public about it.  Going to that sort of shower would be like celebrating flaunting your sin.  There's a huge difference between that scenario and say, the last shower for a second wedding I went to.  The bride had married her high school sweetheart and found out when she was 8 months pregnant with their first child that her husband had been cheating on her since before they got married.  He also left her in a large amount of debt - he'd charged up some cards to finance the cheating and she was deemed responsible for half the debt. No one had any moral qualms about the shower she had when she found a great guy a few years later.

[gardenmom5]

Regarding proper etiquette, those relying on Emily Post would be well served to understand that times and traditions do change.

that's but one of many reasons why I prefer Miss Manners.

while she gave the reasons why showers were only for "firsts", she also gave how to get around that rule and still be excruciatingly proper. 

basically, call it something else. (she was a second baby herself. ;-p).

 

Cough-cough-I was 39 when I married! And yes I had a shower but did not expect anything even though I had a registry and nothing on the registry was $500. As for what my husband and I already had, of course we had many house things already since we both lived as singles for a long time and maintained our own places but I still wanted to experience many of the things that go along with a wedding like a shower even though we did all of our wedding festivities on a shoe string since we had to pay for it:)

I've finally caved and started buying off the registry - or at least checking it out to see what their "colors" for their new home are and go with something that will blend.

first christmas ornaments are the simplest . . .

 

eta: dd jokes she's got quite the dowry for when she get's married.  a family house, with the KA, with the cusinart, wusthof, all-clad, etc.  she even has the lawn and garden tools . . .

 

I am sure some do. People are all kinds of rude and entitled and clueless. But that doesn't affect how I give gifts.

My grandmother was quite . . . . entitled about receiving gifts while complaining about people expecting gifts.

 

I was successful in changing the mindset with which I was raised - now giving a gift from the joy of giving and not worrying about all the other hoopla - life is so much more pleasant.

Edited June 28, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Bluegoat]

I am sure some do. People are all kinds of rude and entitled and clueless. But that doesn't affect how I give gifts.

 

And it probably shouldn't, but I don't think its wrong to observe a social trend in that direction, and perhaps want to avoid contributing to it.  It isn't just that people are clueless and rude as individuals - there is a kind of idea that is becoming more common that somehow people are "owed" gifts, and of a particular kind, in return for having an event.

 

There is a reason you can actually get little pre-printed registry cards now, to put in your invitations.

[HRAAB]

If I like and care about the couple, I will attend, if possible. I buy what I can afford regardless of registries. I go and have fun. Otherwise, I decline and don't worry about it. Personally, I think showers, engagement parties, registries, and weddings have gotten rather ridiculous in some cases. Note, I said that's how I feel, and I wouldn't do it. Other people are free to do what they want, and go in debt for it, if they choose. I'm free to go or not and to ignore the gift registry if I feel is over the top.