marbel Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) Just wondering if a cultural shift happened while I was getting old, or it has always been this way in other places than where I've lived. Went to a bridal shower the other day. My expectation on gift-giving is that the shower calls for a smaller/less expensive gift than the wedding. There may or may not be a registry involved. The wedding gift (in my experience) is a bigger gift - still keeping within the gift-giver's budget, of course, but typically something more expensive than the shower gift. So, maybe a cake pan for a shower gift but a nice cookware set or wine glasses for the wedding, or a set of kitchen towels for the shower but a nice set of bath towels (with hand towels and washcloths) for the wedding. Those are just examples. At the shower I attended, I took a modest gift and was surprised to see all the high-ticket items that were given. Full cookware sets, full sets of towels, service for 8 dinnerware. When I got home, I looked up the registry and sure enough, most of the items on it had been given at the shower. I guess I will send a check or gift card for the wedding gift! I'm not complaining, though I feel a bit stupid for taking such a small gift. Just wondering if the shower is now the place to give the wedding gift? ETA: For the wedding gift, I would always send it to the bride's or parent's home, or address on the registry, not taken to the wedding. Edited June 26, 2016 by marbel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 At showers I attend, I often seeing higher priced items given by family members. Sometimes a sibling set will give the big set of cookware together. I've done that with my sister before, when it was for a cousin. Typically, for the actually wedding, I give money. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 (edited) I'm not familiar with the idea of giving separate gifts for shower and wedding. We've always given one gift - at the shower or otherwise delivered if we can't make it. I have seen a few people bring a gift to the wedding but very few. ETA: My mom and dad were from the north. However, I just asked my dh (southern raised), and he said that he was familiar with the idea of giving two presents - one at the shower and one at the wedding. He must also be familiar with the tradition that the husband does not shop for wedding presents for others or deal with that at all, but the wife does it all. Edited June 26, 2016 by Bambam 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
medawyn Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 I got married five years ago, and for the most part received the lesser priced items on my registry. This has still been the norm in showers I have hosted or attended in the past decade. (I say "for the most part" because there are always outliers.) And yes, usually two gifts - lesser item for the shower, more substantial gift for the wedding, within the guests budget, of course. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 I'm not familiar with the idea of giving separate gifts for shower and wedding. We'll always given one gift - at the shower or otherwise delivered if we can't make it. I have seen a few people bring a gift to the wedding but very few. Typically, wedding gifts are mailed to the bride, not brought to the actual wedding, so it would be normal to not see people bring them to the wedding. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 for my dd's shower - she mostly recieved lesser priced items. I have seen close family members give a higher cost item at showers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 The only shower I attended was themed so we all brought kitchen items. A pot, a knife set, baking items, etc. Wedding gifts were the china, stemware, fancy stuff items. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 In my experience yes, lesser item for shower, more expensive for wedding. But sometimes more wealthy folks or close relatives will give an expensive shower gift as well...I had one person do that. She was my boss, and owned a vet clinic and could afford to do so. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 In my circle, gifts at showers are always smaller priced items. However, I've received shower invitations that direct you to their gift registry which only have high priced items! I went to those showers thinking that they'd be getting those high priced items, but no, it was still the more typical lower priced shower gift items. (Whew! Because that's what I always get!) But I have heard of people going to showers now where more of a wedding gift item is typical. Must be a different circle than the one I'm in! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 When I got married the shower gifts were on the smaller side and the wedding gifts larger but I come from a large family of modest means. There were 4 weddings my summer just out of the cousins and there were several years like that. So gift giving was modest with a small shower gift and larger wedding gift or cash. My brother got married the year before I did and SIL was an only girl from a wealthy family. It was a fancy wedding. Shower gifts were all the big ticket items and wedding gifts were large sums of cash. Both weddings in same geographical area but different family cultures on the bride's side. I will say that for events I attend gifts have just gotten larger and larger. Birthdays, showers, graduations, etc. just seem to warrant bigger gifts these days. It is hard to go to one of these things without looking cheap or spending alot of money. And I don't live in an upscale area. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnIslandGirl Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 I'm not sure if it's regional, but I can't recall the last time I've heard an actual gift given as wedding present other than a sentimental picture frame or some sort. Around here the bridal shower is for gifts and at the wedding itself, the newlyweds receive cards with monetary contributions to their future. I'm in New England if it matters. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuvToRead Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 In my experience, more expensive shower gifts are from multiple givers. Aunts of the bride, or even co-workers pooling their money together to get one really nice gift. I typically twice as much on the wedding gift as I do the shower gift. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 I don't think you should feel bad at all for showing up with a shower with a more modest gift. That is more typical in my experience too. Maybe some closer relatives decided to go in on something or just give one gift, etc. And really, who cares? I have not really heard of just doing ONE gift though. I always get something small and kitcheny for showers and then something nicer/bigger for the wedding. Maybe money depending on the registry. My nephew's fiance is having a shower next week and their registry is really small and ridiculous. They may get a shower gift card even. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocassie Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 Most of the showers I have gone to, several family members will go in together on some of the big-ticket items. Part of it is that many of the shower items (at the showers I've attended) are for setting up the household. Most people give money or keepsake items for a wedding present. This is probably just the circle I run in. However, there are always an assortment of gifts from small to large, and they are all appreciated despite the big items getting lots of oohs and aahs. Mostly to make grandmas, aunts, and sibling feel good. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Library Momma Posted June 26, 2016 Share Posted June 26, 2016 I'm not sure if it's regional, but I can't recall the last time I've heard an actual gift given as wedding present other than a sentimental picture frame or some sort. Around here the bridal shower is for gifts and at the wedding itself, the newlyweds receive cards with monetary contributions to their future. I'm in New England if it matters. My experience too. The shower is for gifts, most often from the registry. At the wedding people usually give money. I can't recall ever seeing someone give a gift other than money at a wedding. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Um_2_4 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Hmm... bridal showers amongst those I know are for the BRIDE. Like things for her. Close friends do lingerie, fancy robes, lotions, bath sets, beautiful scarves, makeup, slippers, etc. Some might bring special items for the house, like monogrammed towels (but we don't usually take the husbands last name, so it would be first initials and a year or something). Not usually for the house stuff. Weddings are usually money or things for the new house. Interesting. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 Thanks for all the replies. It looks like I am not completely off-base in my thinking. I'm quoting this one because I have a question: My experience too. The shower is for gifts, most often from the registry. At the wedding people usually give money. I can't recall ever seeing someone give a gift other than money at a wedding. How would you know that? I don't usually see many gifts at weddings either, but in my experience that's because people have them sent to the bride's (or her mother's) home. (That would include checks too.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Funny...my mom and I were just discussing this today. In our area, you only do one gift, which is typically given at the shower. If you've already given a shower gift, then you don't also give a wedding gift. I do live in a more rural, less financially well off state, so I'm sure this is why. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 (edited) Funny...my mom and I were just discussing this today. In our area, you only do one gift, which is typically given at the shower. If you've already given a shower gift, then you don't also give a wedding gift. I do live in a more rural, less financially well off state, so I'm sure this is why. This is what I'm familiar with as well. There have been a lot of presents at most weddings I have been to. Edited June 27, 2016 by Rach 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baseball mom Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Wow I must be really dumb. I didn't there was a difference in shower and wedding gifts. Of course I didn't even do a registry when I got married. A friend gave me a shower and no one gave us a gift at the wedding. I do remember seeing some gifts at my brother's reception but just thought it was out of town family & friends brought a gift. Thank y'all for teaching me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baseball mom Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Funny...my mom and I were just discussing this today. In our area, you only do one gift, which is typically given at the shower. If you've already given a shower gift, then you don't also give a wedding gift. I do live in a more rural, less financially well off state, so I'm sure this is why. I was typing my response when you posted. And same with more rural less finances. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Hmm... bridal showers amongst those I know are for the BRIDE. Like things for her. Close friends do lingerie, fancy robes, lotions, bath sets, beautiful scarves, makeup, slippers, etc. Some might bring special items for the house, like monogrammed towels (but we don't usually take the husbands last name, so it would be first initials and a year or something). Not usually for the house stuff. Weddings are usually money or things for the new house. Interesting. This is my experience. Wedding presents are long lasting things for a house -- China, silver, etc. Showers have fun, lighthearted presents. Unlike wedding presents, shower gifts are opened in front of everyone -- unusual or quirky things are ok. Wedding presents are more traditional and permanent. I've been to showers with a theme, like baking showers or fragrance showers. Nothing super expensive. That is my experience anyway, 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 It's interesting to see how customs vary! It's been about 15 years since I've been to a wedding, but when we were in the stage of life where we were attending lots of weddings a bridal shower was often called a kitchen tea and gifts were small items, often for the kitchen. Wedding gifts were larger, and taken with to the wedding where they were left on a gift table. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 In my social circles (south), there is a large more formal bridal tea/shower. And then there may be one or two smaller showers (kitchen, lingerie, or maybe a couple's shower with useful things like tools, etc.) People bring (usually send ahead) a larger gift to the formal tea/shower. If someone gives you a shower gift, a wedding gift is not expected. The gifts are displayed, and the tea is a come-and-go affair where you greet the bride and the mothers, look at the gifts, and have refreshments. If a gift is delivered to the home of the bride in time, it is displayed with the shower gifts. Few gifts are brought to the wedding, and those usually by out-of-town friends who would not have been available to come to the tea. The tea is usually given by friends of the mother of the bride who have watched the bride grow up, or possibly by friends of the groom's mother (maybe even a tea in each town). The smaller showers are for more intimate friends--maybe even just bridesmaids--and much more casual. The gifts are opened at the shower, games are often played, and refreshments served. The gifts are more things like kitchen tools, a set of bowls, etc. It is a come-and-stay party. So there might be an expectation that a close friend would give both a smaller gift at a small shower, and a larger gift at the formal tea, but (again, in my circles) I don't know of anybody that kept up with that. For example, my close friend was a college student, and she gave me a nice but inexpensive bowl that I just loved, and hosted my kitchen shower. Her parents gave me a larger gift for my tea. I didn't expect more from either of them--it would have felt like overkill to me. The small showers are usually given by the close friends of the bride, or in the case of a couple's shower, friends of both bride and groom. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Funny...my mom and I were just discussing this today. In our area, you only do one gift, which is typically given at the shower. If you've already given a shower gift, then you don't also give a wedding gift. I do live in a more rural, less financially well off state, so I'm sure this is why. This is my experience. Shower or wedding gift. Not both. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tm919 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 I typically spend more on the shower. Because the wedding gift is assumed to be a check, it I want to get something off the registry it is a shower gift. But it really differs,--when I got married about 10 years ago, my husband's family gave me gifts for the shower and typically just a card for the wedding. With weddings, whatever the technical etiquette may say, it really depends on the social circle. And when 2 people from different backgrounds marry (even slightly different backgrounds) there are going to be differences. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Library Momma Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Thanks for all the replies. It looks like I am not completely off-base in my thinking. I'm quoting this one because I have a question: How would you know that? I don't usually see many gifts at weddings either, but in my experience that's because people have them sent to the bride's (or her mother's) home. (That would include checks too.) I guess from being a bridesmaid many times and also attending showers and weddings as a guest. Usually when I attend showers everything off of the registries gets purchased and you see the gifts at the shower. I've seen people receive shower gifts in advance at their home but they are shower gifts not wedding presents. I only received money as a gift for the wedding itself and so did my sister, my husbands siblings and my friends that I know of. Usually the envelope is given to the couple at the reception, and most often directly to the bride. Some people have a little "mailbox" set up at the reception for the envelopes. I'll guess this is a regional difference as I've been a bridesmaid in a ceremonies of multiple faiths and/or lack thereof. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnificent_baby Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 I think any gift would be appreciated, small or large, so I would not worry about it. I'm in the midwest and around here it's a smallish gift (such as a set of pyrex or bakeware) and larger gift or money for the wedding. I have never heard of a wedding gift being mailed unless the guest was out of town. It is normal to see a table filled with gifts at the wedding. My niece recently got married and her husbands family mailed huge and extravagant gifts to her for the shower. We were all astounded! They are from the New York area and apparently they all tried to out-do each other with the gifting. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 I've encountered actual physical gifts at showers (household goods, etc.). I wouldn't assume that necessarily only one person bought a high end gift. Sometimes people chip in for the high end gift. My experiences with weddings ALWAYS has been money. That's it. Never ever never saw gifts for a wedding other than money. That was always given at the wedding, but not opened at the wedding. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Wow, I am so schooled! I had no idea there was such wide variations on shower and wedding gift etiquette! I had previously believed there was one right way to do things -- a shower gift (required if you show up to the shower but only really close family or friends would send something if they can't attend; smaller than the wedding gift, but an object of some sort, preferably from the registry, but it's OK to go rogue; delivered at the shower) & a wedding gift (required if you go to the wedding, almost required for any invite unless it's really someone you don't know hardly at all; cash or something substantial off the registry unless there is no registry, which then leaves cash; ideally gifts should be shipped ahead of time or delivered afterwards but it is also generally acceptable to take it to the reception for all but the largest or most formal weddings; cards with cash should be handed over directly during the reception). FWIW, I grew up in NoVA, DC suburbs, but now live in WV. I have to say that I am *very* glad I read this thread before my kids came of marrying age. I'm now prepared to cooperate graciously with whatever etiquette/culture my kids happen to marry in. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 For our wedding registry, the vast majority of gifts were mailed to our home and not brought to the wedding. So I don't think it's weird at all to see no or only a few physical gifts at the actual wedding. I don't think that's necessarily indicative of what they got. If a couple is registered, we usually buy something off the registry and have it shipped directly to them. If they are not, then we give a check. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Wow, I am so schooled! I had no idea there was such wide variations on shower and wedding gift etiquette! I had previously believed there was one right way to do things -- a shower gift (required if you show up to the shower but only really close family or friends would send something if they can't attend; smaller than the wedding gift, but an object of some sort, preferably from the registry, but it's OK to go rogue; delivered at the shower) & a wedding gift (required if you go to the wedding, almost required for any invite unless it's really someone you don't know hardly at all; cash or something substantial off the registry unless there is no registry, which then leaves cash; ideally gifts should be shipped ahead of time or delivered afterwards but it is also generally acceptable to take it to the reception for all but the largest or most formal weddings; cards with cash should be handed over directly during the reception). FWIW, I grew up in NoVA, DC suburbs, but now live in WV. I have to say that I am *very* glad I read this thread before my kids came of marrying age. I'm now prepared to cooperate graciously with whatever etiquette/culture my kids happen to marry in. This is closest to my experience too. And I live urban Midwest. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Wow, I am so schooled! I had no idea there was such wide variations on shower and wedding gift etiquette! I had previously believed there was one right way to do things -- a shower gift (required if you show up to the shower but only really close family or friends would send something if they can't attend; smaller than the wedding gift, but an object of some sort, preferably from the registry, but it's OK to go rogue; delivered at the shower) & a wedding gift (required if you go to the wedding, almost required for any invite unless it's really someone you don't know hardly at all; cash or something substantial off the registry unless there is no registry, which then leaves cash; ideally gifts should be shipped ahead of time or delivered afterwards but it is also generally acceptable to take it to the reception for all but the largest or most formal weddings; cards with cash should be handed over directly during the reception). FWIW, I grew up in NoVA, DC suburbs, but now live in WV. This is pretty close to what I've experienced most of the time. It sounds like I grew up relatively near you (MD/DC suburbs). I spent most of my adult life in various parts of the south and mid-Atlantic states. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Here in the Midwest, I learned that one gives a shower gift and a separate wedding gift. If one receives an invitation but cannot attend, a gift should still be sent. I would choose a more expensive gift for the wedding and less for the shower, but that is just a personal preference, not something that was required by any rules of etiquette. The size and dollar amount of the gift will vary depending on the giver. Showers sometimes have a theme and sometimes do not. The wedding gift traditionally is sent to the home ahead of the wedding (or after), but when we got married, we received a lot of gifts at the reception, which is common. There is usually a table for gifts at the reception. Although we received both physical and monetary gifts, there were definitely more gifts and less money received at my wedding. I'm sure this is probably regional. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 Wow, I am so schooled! I had no idea there was such wide variations on shower and wedding gift etiquette! I had previously believed there was one right way to do things -- a shower gift (required if you show up to the shower but only really close family or friends would send something if they can't attend; smaller than the wedding gift, but an object of some sort, preferably from the registry, but it's OK to go rogue; delivered at the shower) & a wedding gift (required if you go to the wedding, almost required for any invite unless it's really someone you don't know hardly at all; cash or something substantial off the registry unless there is no registry, which then leaves cash; ideally gifts should be shipped ahead of time or delivered afterwards but it is also generally acceptable to take it to the reception for all but the largest or most formal weddings; cards with cash should be handed over directly during the reception). FWIW, I grew up in NoVA, DC suburbs, but now live in WV. I have to say that I am *very* glad I read this thread before my kids came of marrying age. I'm now prepared to cooperate graciously with whatever etiquette/culture my kids happen to marry in. This is what I've experienced too, all my life, in 4 states, on 2 coasts. FWIW, it's also pretty much what Emily Post says, though I don't want to start an etiquette brawl here. :-) Interesting how much variation there is, that's for sure. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Miss Manners says "a shower is to 'shower' a person with things they would not have needed in her previous state, whether that be married or motherhood." She goes on to answer specific questions, and her answers are hilarious as well as *correct* and her book is really fun to read. I put it on the back of the john when my son was small and he read the whole thing when he was about 10. _Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior_ is the name of the book. It's as fun to read as any novel, and more helpful in real life. :0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 I thought this was fun -- a video of the wedding presents for Princess Elizabeth and Prince Philip. http://www.britishpathe.com/video/royal-wedding-presents-on-view-to-the-public Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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