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soror

My 9yo is bawling because people we're staring at her...

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My girls are aspiring make-up artists. I wasn't paying attention and both her and my 6yo had "done" their make-up for town as a friend had just gave her some new stuff. After we got home she comes to me bawling about people staring at her and she thinks it because of her make-up. I then had to explain to her about how people think you are trying to look older (etc) when you wear make-up at her age. She also likes to wear short shorts because she finds them comfy. Explaining to her in terms she would understand I told her how some think she might be trying to get a boyfriend, it was lost on her, really. Just an FYI for those who would stare, point and judge. When we see someone else dressed differently I explain the best I can without judgement and tell them not to stare. It bothers me when adults try to sexualize a child's motives. My daughter is a long way from even thinking about boys, they are still friends to her.

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Aww, poor kid. People can be so rude.

 

Thanks for the reminder, though. When I'm out and about sometimes I like to "people watch" (especially if I'm forced to wait somewhere), and I can honestly say the vast, vast majority of the time I have no judgmental feelings whatsoever. I just think people are interesting! I like to see their fashion/hair choices, particularly if they are quirky or a bit out of the ordinary. I need to remember that people might get the wrong impression. I definitely don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.  :blushing:

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My daughter loves to wear makeup. Umm, her older brothers played with it when he was young too. But I do not let them wear it in public. Rules are rules and apply to both genders. I do not expect pants or skirts to anything, but I do require, when in public, for both genders, belly buttons and upper thighs to be covered. I have the same appearance rules for both genders. 

 

These are my rules. They do not have to be your rules. But staring is rude. I would also wonder if people were really staring at her, or was she just feeling awkward and reading it like that? When someone feels awkward, they often feel like everyone is looking at them when no one actually cares. So that is just another thought.

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Aww, poor kid. People can be so rude.

 

Thanks for the reminder, though. When I'm out and about sometimes I like to "people watch" (especially if I'm forced to wait somewhere), and I can honestly say the vast, vast majority of the time I have no judgmental feelings whatsoever. I just think people are interesting! I like to see their fashion/hair choices, particularly if they are quirky or a bit out of the ordinary. I need to remember that people might get the wrong impression. I definitely don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.  :blushing:

 

We are in a day and age where people simply do not look at each other. They stare at their phones. And if for some fluke they cannot look at their phones, they still avoid any sort of eye contact.

 

I like to people watch. I think paying attention to those around you is a good thing. My feeling is that if others think I am staring, it is only because they caught my glance. I never stare at anyone. I simply, sometimes, put my phone away and notice the people around me. I would not stop looking around me just because it makes people of today uncomfortable. I wish everyone would look up and around more. It would be good for people to notice each other. If someone is uncomfortable with you glancing their direction, that is on them (assuming you are not staring). Assuming we did nothing rude or such, we are not responsible for others feelings. We cannot account for every single inner thought of others. So I would not worry about it. 

 

<smile>

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Bummer! Hugs for you and your daughter both. There is definitely stigma attached to 6yos wearing make up in public - thanks in part to the TV folks like Honey Boo Boo and shows like Toddlers and Tiaras.

 

Pointing and staring is never ok, though and I'm sorry there were rude people that made her feel bad. As an aspiring artist, your daughter is going to attract attention - both positive and negative - when she exposes her art to the public. Hugs to her and I hope she continues forward with her art endeavors.

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I've heard people say "ridiculous" upon seeing my kid (then about 8) a little "dressed up" at a restaurant.  My kid might have been 4' tall at the time and obviously not in the market for a hot date; she just likes to be "fashionable" as she calls it.  How silly for anyone to waste their mental energy on judging little kids' fun fashion choices.  :/  Especially at age 6, when a lot of girls still think every day is Halloween, wearing princess clothes and stuff.

 

When my kids feel different from others, I just remind them that every family has its own customs and so do we.  (I don't encourage make-up wearing, but it's not a big deal to me in a casual setting.  In a world where people wear pajamas to go shopping, my standards just aren't that high.  My mother would not approve, I know.  :P)

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I've heard people say "ridiculous" upon seeing my kid (then about 8) a little "dressed up" at a restaurant.  My kid might have been 4' tall at the time and obviously not in the market for a hot date; she just likes to be "fashionable" as she calls it.  How silly for anyone to waste their mental energy on judging little kids' fun fashion choices.  :/  Especially at age 6, when a lot of girls still think every day is Halloween, wearing princess clothes and stuff.

 

How mean.  :mad:

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My girls are aspiring make-up artists. I wasn't paying attention and both her and my 6yo had "done" their make-up for town as a friend had just gave her some new stuff. After we got home she comes to me bawling about people staring at her and she thinks it because of her make-up. I then had to explain to her about how people think you are trying to look older (etc) when you wear make-up at her age. She also likes to wear short shorts because she finds them comfy. Explaining to her in terms she would understand I told her how some think she might be trying to get a boyfriend, it was lost on her, really. Just an FYI for those who would stare, point and judge. When we see someone else dressed differently I explain the best I can without judgement and tell them not to stare. It bothers me when adults try to sexualize a child's motives. My daughter is a long way from even thinking about boys, they are still friends to her.

Please first understand I am saying what I'm going to say gently and caringly with all good intent.

 

First, I am so very sorry your daughter was upset. It's so hard to read strangers. It could have been mean intent, or completely misunderstood by your young girls.

 

Two of my girls love "playing" with makeup, and at ages 16 & 14 have gotten VERY good. One of them plans to make it her career! There are many reasons to use make up, not all involve trying to look older. Perhaps a better explanation could have been "People aren't used to seeing girls your age wearing makeup." Or something like that. I myself would not think twice about a 9yo wearing mascara and lipgloss, but probably would give an extra glance if she had full contouring, smokey eyeliner, and ombré lips, KWIM?

 

Also, short shorts don't mean a girl is looking for a boyfriend. My athlete has muscular thighs. If she wore shorts to fit her thighs she'd need a hula hoop for a belt, so short is just what fits and flatters. And FWIW, before he was her boyfriend, the young gentleman only ever saw her in sweats, maybe occasionally jeans. 😉

 

And for fun, my girls are at a place where a $50.00 eyeshadow palette is a reasonable purchase. And we truly have a Wet-n-Wild budget for makeup. 🙄

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Please first understand I am saying what I'm going to say gently and caringly with all good intent.

 

First, I am so very sorry your daughter was upset. It's so hard to read strangers. It could have been mean intent, or completely misunderstood by your young girls.

 

Two of my girls love "playing" with makeup, and at ages 16 & 14 have gotten VERY good. One of them plans to make it her career! There are many reasons to use make up, not all involve trying to look older. Perhaps a better explanation could have been "People aren't used to seeing girls your age wearing makeup." Or something like that. I myself would not think twice about a 9yo wearing mascara and lipgloss, but probably would give an extra glance if she had full contouring, smokey eyeliner, and ombré lips, KWIM?

 

Also, short shorts don't mean a girl is looking for a boyfriend. My athlete has muscular thighs. If she wore shorts to fit her thighs she'd need a hula hoop for a belt, so short is just what fits and flatters. And FWIW, before he was her boyfriend, the young gentleman only ever saw her in sweats, maybe occasionally jeans. 😉

 

And for fun, my girls are at a place where a $50.00 eyeshadow palette is a reasonable purchase. And we truly have a Wet-n-Wild budget for makeup. 🙄

I actually did tell her that it is out of the ordinary so people stare. I gave her an example of a guy with a blue mohawk(we live in a conservative area- either one is rare).  And honestly her and the 6yo do make-up better than some adults. I had my 6yo put on her own lipstick this year for her dance recital as she does it miles better than me. Personally I generally only wear bb cream and lip tint, some times a bit of mascara and eyeliner. I told her that it is a good time to be practicing it at home so she gets really good at it by the time she is older. 

 

She went on and on about how she made a horrible decision. Seriously. She wanted to have fun with it. I told her the different things people say about a girl wearing make-up and then told her in life sometimes you have to make choices about whether or not you are going to say I don't care what people think - I'm going to do my own thing OR you want to conform to what is considered "normal." 

 

My 9yo dd has good size muscular thighs too, her one pair of jean shorts that are long are still yet skin tight in the thighs,yet she only weighs 60 lbs, she is very lean. 

 

This was a good teaching moment however. Dh gets so perturbed at them wanting to wear make-up etc but he got to see that truly it is done in innocence and told her that she can do whatever she wants people are jerks. Although I did tell them for church they shouldn't have anymore than lip gloss. I wondered when I was younger why parents would let their kids look like such "freaks", how embarrassing that must be. I understand now. My kids have nearly always had nearly complete autonomy in how they present themselves- it is rare that I make decrees or tell them to wear something- even with my toddlers. Being so independent myself I can't imagine doing it any other way. 

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We are in a day and age where people simply do not look at each other. They stare at their phones. And if for some fluke they cannot look at their phones, they still avoid any sort of eye contact.

 

I like to people watch. I think paying attention to those around you is a good thing. My feeling is that if others think I am staring, it is only because they caught my glance. I never stare at anyone. I simply, sometimes, put my phone away and notice the people around me. I would not stop looking around me just because it makes people of today uncomfortable. I wish everyone would look up and around more. It would be good for people to notice each other. If someone is uncomfortable with you glancing their direction, that is on them (assuming you are not staring). Assuming we did nothing rude or such, we are not responsible for others feelings. We cannot account for every single inner thought of others. So I would not worry about it.

 

<smile>

The bolded: this is SOOO true! I am thinking of putting up a spin-off. I was just thinking about this yesterday, watching my SIL's DIL. We are in a beautiful setting, having fun, she has a baby and a toddler. The toddler was doing adorable things. The mom was continually messing about with her phone. I was thinking, "wow...I'd really enjoy looking at your beautiful FACE, mama, not a FB post about the things you're doing at this moment."

 

Made me a little sad.

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I'm surprised she got many looks.  This is recital season and its not that uncommon to see girls in full stage makeup out at the store or eating out at restaurants following recitals.  That's what I would usually assume if I saw younger kids in make-up.

 

My oldest was a competitive dancer from the time she was four.  Yes, we did get some funny looks going out to eat or to the store in full stage makeup, especially when you add shorts over tights in the middle of winter.  :p    It seems more common now than when she started out.

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I'm surprised she got many looks.  This is recital season and its not that uncommon to see girls in full stage makeup out at the store or eating out at restaurants following recitals.  That's what I would usually assume if I saw younger kids in make-up.

 

My oldest was a competitive dancer from the time she was four.  Yes, we did get some funny looks going out to eat or to the store in full stage makeup, especially when you add shorts over tights in the middle of winter.  :p    It seems more common now than when she started out.

 

Yup,  we got asked which dance studio when we went to eat after DD's recital.  Although, an after-recital activity is more likely to be a restaurant than general errands.  

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Yup, we got asked which dance studio when we went to eat after DD's recital. Although, an after-recital activity is more likely to be a restaurant than general errands.

Haha After the recital is the first time there actually IS to run errands. 😉

 

Edited because I can't type. 🙄

Edited by Rebel Yell
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My girls already had their dance recital, it was in early May here. We always go straight home and collapse :) We do plenty of errands in dance clothes though although my 9yo just wears tights w/ a leo and dance shorts, my 6yo usually wears a little skirt w/ hers so she looks more like a dancer.

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Yeah, I'm surprised people aren't used to seeing made-up little girls by now, with so many in dance and theater.

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Just because they were looking doesn't mean they were thinking negative thoughts.  People look at other people.  Why do we wear makeup?  Is it 100% for ourselves?  I don't think so.  I probably would have looked, but I have no negative feelings towards kids wearing makeup.  I try not to make it obvious I'm looking, but yes I look at people.

 

 

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I wonder if the real discomfort was from realizing she was being looked at. I was a little younger than her when I vaguely remember being told I that I couldn't take my shirt off when I was hot in the summer, and how I felt very uncomfortable realizing for the first time that there were social conventions I was going to be subject to, and that people would judge me to whatever standard they were using. I don't think I cried--I just got mad--but it can be an awesomely terrifying thing to suddenly understand that your perception of other people and their perception of you is fixing to be a "thing." 

Might be a very good time to start reassuring her of the fact that it doesn't matter one little speck what anybody is thinking; she's herself, and that is what is important. 

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I'd like to think she was just imagining things but then again I've read the comments even here about such things. People seem to care a whole lot about this issue(and put all sorts of motives behind it). I wore short shorts growing up, nearly every body did in the 70s but now for certain people this is some big sexualization. There is nothing to sexualize there.

I wonder if the real discomfort was from realizing she was being looked at. I was a little younger than her when I vaguely remember being told I that I couldn't take my shirt off when I was hot in the summer, and how I felt very uncomfortable realizing for the first time that there were social conventions I was going to be subject to, and that people would judge me to whatever standard they were using. I don't think I cried--I just got mad--but it can be an awesomely terrifying thing to suddenly understand that your perception of other people and their perception of you is fixing to be a "thing." 

Might be a very good time to start reassuring her of the fact that it doesn't matter one little speck what anybody is thinking; she's herself, and that is what is important. 

So true, we did talk about that and I'm sure it is just the start of many more conversations to come, she is sensitive like me.

Edited by soror
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I doubt she was imagining being looked at, either. But I find it best not to even spend much time contemplating what somebody else might be thinking if they stare. It's kind of a fruitless exercise for me anyway, since I am really bad at mind reading. And as it goes, the sampling of people that stared is a very small section of society anyway. Hard to come to any good conclusions with a small sample size, you know. It's often easy to think that when one person stares, or three, that everybody is staring. That is seldom the case. Hard to explain that to a child, though. :grouphug:

 

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Let me recap:

 

1. You live in a conservative area.

2. You have a 6 and 9 yo who wear makeup in public.

3. You have a young girl who wears short shorts.

4. You have a husband who does not approve.

 

My first thought would be why a young girl feels the need to enhance her outward appearance in such a way. Is she insecure? Does she see photos of girls dressed this way? Does she idolize someone who dresses like this?

 

In addition, I would wonder about all the pervs who get to peak at the child looking like this. I may be jaded from all my years working in an ER, but there are pervs everywhere.

 

Finally, what do her friends think? What do the parents of her friends think? If you are truly in a conservative area, you may be limiting your child's social prospects without knowing it. When in Rome, do as the Romans, kwim?

 

Personally, I would follow your DH's wishes on this one. If you would rather your kid feel free to dress as she wishes, then perhaps prepare her for the repercussion of deviating from social norms before she goes outside. Otherwise, your idea of letting her be a free spirit, is just going to make her shy and withdrawn and fearful of self expression, in my opinion.

Edited by Minniewannabe
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Well, she did say her daughter was an aspiring makeup artist.  So that's probably a big part of it.  Lot of people crap on too much computer time, but I let my older kid spend a lot of time on it because he is an aspiring computer programmer.  So I do see it as part of letting him learn and work towards his goal.  (That and I don't really care what other people do or think about it.) 

 

 

Let me recap:

1. You live in a conservative area.
2. You have a 6 and 9 yo who wear makeup in public.
3. You have a young girl who wears short shorts.
4. You have a husband who does not approve.

My first thought would be why a young girl feels the need to enhance her outward appearance in such a way. Is she insecure? Does she see photos of girls dressed this way? Does she idolize someone who dresses like this?

In addition, I would wonder about all the pervs who get to peak at the child looking like this. I may be jaded from all my years working in an ER, but there are pervs everywhere.

Finally, what do her friends think? What do the parents of her friends think? If you are truly in a conservative area, you may be limiting your child's social prospects without knowing it. When in Rome, do as the Romans, kwim?

Personally, I would follow your DH's wishes on this one. If you would rather your kid feel free to dress as she wishes, then perhaps prepare her for the repercussion of deviating from social norms before she goes outside. Otherwise, your idea of letting her be a free spirit, is just going to make her shy and withdrawn and fearful of self expression, in my opinion.

 

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If I understood the OP correctly, she did not realize her kids were going out in makeup until after the fact.  So it's not like she's raising them to be rebels.

 

I think 9yo is still young enough that "sexualization" is in the mind of the people seeing it.  Though I do have two 9yos and I have begun coaching them re covering certain parts.  Yesterday I told my kid (who insists on wearing leggings) that she should wear a longer t-shirt so she doesn't look like Elf.  This was apparently new to her, and she didn't appreciate hearing it, but hey, that's what moms are for.  :)  Of course that doesn't mean my kids haven't managed to get out the door in something I don't recommend.  :)  Last week they both applied hair chalk each morning on the way to camp.  I told my youngest that she looked like aurora borealis.  :P  They went to the middle school book club like that too.  Hey, it's summer.  Nobody died.

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I'd like to think she was just imagining things but then again I've read the comments even here about such things. People seem to care a whole lot about this issue(and put all sorts of motives behind it). I wore short shorts growing up, nearly every body did in the 70s but now for certain people this is some big sexualization. There is nothing to sexualize there.

So true, we did talk about that and I'm sure it is just the start of many more conversations to come, she is sensitive like me.

My favorite outfit in the '70s was a blue terry cloth short set. It was fairly short shorts and the top was cropped and kind of like a tube top with lace straps. Like you said, very, very common at that time.
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Perhaps I should have put a JAWM or perhaps a PSA would be more fitting.

 

I'm not looking for advice. Just wanted to share for those on here that like to make such comments about kids, ascribing these nefarious motives to them that are only in their own mind. If it makes someone feel more self-righteous to try to tear down, embarrass, etc a kid then perhaps their heart isn't in the right spot.

 

Dh and I are in agreement. Dd is good. Life lesson and all that.

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If I understood the OP correctly, she did not realize her kids were going out in makeup until after the fact.  So it's not like she's raising them to be rebels.

 

I think 9yo is still young enough that "sexualization" is in the mind of the people seeing it.  Though I do have two 9yos and I have begun coaching them re covering certain parts.  Yesterday I told my kid (who insists on wearing leggings) that she should wear a longer t-shirt so she doesn't look like Elf.  This was apparently new to her, and she didn't appreciate hearing it, but hey, that's what moms are for.  :)  Of course that doesn't mean my kids haven't managed to get out the door in something I don't recommend.  :)  Last week they both applied hair chalk each morning on the way to camp.  I told my youngest that she looked like aurora borealis.  :p  They went to the middle school book club like that too.  Hey, it's summer.  Nobody died.

Elf, ha, that is a good one :) I have 4 kids, I'm always out numbered, not infrequently I've said I really wish my kids had an "I dressed myself" button. But whatever. I swear my 3 yr has been talking about dying her hair blue for ages, I don't put any color at all in my hair, heck I only get it professionally cut maybe about 2x a yr. I'm half-way hippie, that is why it cracks me up that they are in so into such things. I do draw a line at shoes w/ heels(because they are bad for your body) and perfume(it makes me sick).

 

I'm sad that my oldest daughter has passed into the realm of caring about what others think and being aware of it. I hope she has a thicker skin than me. 

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Yeah, I don't know where my kid gets it either.  I am the frumpiest blah person ever - no makeup ever, no heels, lots of white hair glaring out for all to see.  :)  Plus, I wear my wallet and phone in my back jean pockets.  A couple weeks ago I cracked up when my kid looked at my rear and whispered urgently, "suck your butt in!"  LOLOL!  It's only a matter of time before she starts dressing me.  :P

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People do stare because they are bored while waiting for their perpetually late friends :) Unless your kids are getting wolf whistles, I'll just tell them to ignore the stares.

 

My area definately leans liberal and we usually see kids in makeup in ballet/gym costumes so strangers (usually female) would chat up the kids and ask about the makeup.

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people do stare. people are very judgmental . if people see a kid dressed as a tart the  kid will get looks and people will wonder why the mother lets the child out of the house looking like that .

Edited by Melissa in Australia
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People will do a double take when they see a six year old in a full face of make-up. That doesn't excuse staring, but it also doesn't mean they're sexualizing her at all. You just notice things that stand out. It's how the eye works. I don't think anyone expects a six year old to conceal her legs. The "talk" seems a little over the top and alarmist to me.

 

If her make-up was good, people will likely assume she's a performer. It it was less-good they probably thought she was playing in make-up. I can't imagine a nirmal person leaping to "she wants a boyfriend" from this.

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I *hate* the fact that short shorts on girls are now seen as "sexy." What the hell??? When I was a kid we all wore short shorts — we lived in tank tops, short shorts, and keds or flip-flops all summer long. With no access to a pool, we used to set up the lawn sprinkler and run through the water in our underwear when it was too hot to do anything else. When I was a kid, back in the dark ages, we used to wear "stretch pants" with stirrups, which fit a lot like leggings — no one thought 3rd or 4th graders were sexing it up in their stretch pants, girls even wore them to school.

 

What the heck is wrong with people that they would look at a little girl who was wearing short shorts, or playing with makeup, and think about sex???  This country has the most bizarre combination of puritanical attitudes towards human bodies and commercialized sexualization of practically everything. 

 

Soror, I'm so sorry your daughter was made to feel self-conscious by rude people staring at her. That really sucks.  :sad:

 

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What the heck is wrong with people that they would look at a little girl who was wearing short shorts, or playing with makeup, and think about sex???  

 

Well, given what the pop idols and movie stars go around in, and the sexually suggestive music lyrics and accompanying dances that little kids are exposed to, it's really not that uncommon to see young girls acting and moving in sexualized ways. I'm not saying they are trying to be sexual, but they are emulating what they see, and it is sexualized. I was at the park recently, and there was a group of 7-9 year old girls grinding and humping on one another. As one of them told her mother, they were "playing tv dancing." The mother just laughed.

 

Personally, I am uncomfortable when I see that. I think it makes young girls very vulnerable, because, let's face it, there are bad people out there. Obviously it is not the fault of the little girls that people can be disgusting pervs, but I would do what I can to discourage that kind of attention to my children.

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I wouldn't be too quick to ascribe bad motives to the people your dd thinks were staring at her. People might look at you for a variety of reasons when you are out and about. Maybe you look just like their cousin, or they like your shirt, or you're an exceptionally cute kid  :laugh:

 

 

You were with her and didn't notice anything, so, while some might have been staring (when does a look end and a stare begin?), there isn't any reason to think it was done in a disapproving manner. It's assuming a lot to talk about staring, pointing, and judging, or them trying to sexualize a child's motives. Some people do that, sure, but why assume it's the case here? She feels like some people were staring at her and she thinks it's because of the makeup, that's all you know.

 

That can be a very conscious age; she gets a "what cute sisters!" look from a stranger and interprets it as "they're staring at my makeup!" Of course, some people just might be looking at her makeup in particular, but even that doesn't mean they are doing it in a negative way. People should do what they want, and other people shouldn't be rude about it, but taking a second glance at something unusual does not make them horrible people from the get-go. 

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Below link for short shorts is common here as we have runners and bikers and beach goers. People look because people like to people watch.

http://store.americanapparel.net/en/short-short_rsaak305;jsessionid=88DC0103C171CB32852D805068051BF2.aap-prd-dal-app-02-p-app2

 

Photo in below news link is the short shorts that is a little too revealing and may get unwanted stares.

http://metro.co.uk/2015/09/12/council-wants-to-ban-mini-skirts-and-short-shorts-because-theyre-disrespectful-5388920/

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people do stare. people are very judgmental . if people see a kid dressed as a tart the kid will get looks and people will wonder why the mother lets the child out of the house looking like that .

I save my judgement for those who describe 6yos as tarts.

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:laugh:

 

 

I never said a 6 year old is a tart but rather dress like a tart. yes there is a difference between what I wrote and what you are implying I wrote.

 

 

 

 

and I don't care if you are judging me at all.

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 My kids do not hump and grind. They dance because they take dance classes but there is none of that. My kids don't have body parts hanging out, she started wearing shorter shorts because of jazz class and figured out she likes them. Thanks to the unwanted stares of people she's decided that she never wants to wear any make-up in public again, which I guess makes people happy. Despite the fact that kid make-up from way back in the 60s(Tinkerbell) was posted the other day it is somehow new now. Fwiw she was wearing her long shorts down to her knees w/ a t-shirt, not even a tank-top, light pink eye-shadow and lipstick and powder.

 

I started out just dismissing the stares to my daughter but she wouldn't have that. So I was honest with her as to different things people say, as illustrated even on this thread (although I didn't tell her she looked like she was trying to sell her body for sex as I wanted to shield her from that ignorance and hate). 

 

Ya, there is and pedophiles that have sex w/ young girls but it has to do w/ power yet again, not what they wear. Young girls down't deserve it because they like to wear shorter shorts and play with make-up. I worked with children who were victims of sexual abuse, it was a crime of circumstance for the most part. Kids get abused by people they know (90%), usually relatives, not because what they wear but if the perp can groom them and have the opportunity. Having your kid dress in a certain way doesn't magically protect them, being careful about who they are around and alone with does. Teaching them to be strong and that they don't always have to listen to those in authority over them(a thing which puts conservative children at risk). Having an open relationship with them so they won't be scared to come to you and looking out for behavioral changes. That is how you protect your kid.

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I was not blaming your daughter or accusing her of bumping and grinding. I was responding to someone who was wondering why people would see sexualized behavior in children. Sometimes, it's because the sexualized behavior is there, even if the children don't understand it.

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I was not blaming your daughter or accusing her of bumping and grinding. I was responding to someone who was wondering why people would see sexualized behavior in children. Sometimes, it's because the sexualized behavior is there, even if the children don't understand it.

Thank you.

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I love to people watch, but if my gaze lingers on a particular person it doesn't mean I'm condemning/judging/laughing/pointing or anything else. It just means that I enjoy seeing all the different kinds of people there are, from hairstyles to clothing. It seems there's a bit of an overreaction here, soror.

 

So, your dd thought people were staring at her. Unless they were being overtly rude, I wouldn't get all up in arms about it and start telling my daughter about how awful people are. I really don't think it's a big deal unless you make it into one.

Edited by Cindy in FL.
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 I would do what I can to discourage that kind of attention to my children.

 

I think, also, that this statement of mine may have been misunderstood. I know that what a child says, does, or wears does not cause someone to molest her or him. The type of attention I was speaking of was they type of "Why would a parent let their child go around like that?" attention from attention-seeking behaviors. For example, I used to be acquainted with a parent who let her child wear sexually suggestive and visually graphic t-shirts to children's events. The child did receive negative attention for it. I found it entirely inappropriate and felt sorry for the child, but sometimes I also had trouble containing my own rubber-necking behavior. Often I would just leave.

 

I realize that I conflated two ideas in one sentence and didn't express myself clearly.

 

I don't think that 6 and 9 year olds wearing make-up is attention-seeking or inappropriate behavior despite the fact that I don't care for makeup.

 

Your daughter may have had an emotional reaction to her discomfort from real or perceived attention she received. Nine is the age that many girls start to become more self-conscious. I wouldn't be surprised if she decides, with the benefit of time, not to worry about it and continue to wear makeup whenever she wants.

Edited by TaraTheLiberator

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This doesn't work for all people or all kids, but if your daughter is the kind who is comfortable being outgoing, maybe teach her to cheerfully say "hello" to whomever she thinks is staring. Tell her she'll probably get one of 3 reactions depending on what the person was thinking. 1. The person smiles and says "hello" back: This person wasn't staring, just making friendly eye contact and probably thought the make-up looked nice (or cute or whatever). 2. The person is momentarily startled and then smiles/says "hello.": This person wasn't staring at her, just lost in thought and staring off in the distance and happened to be looking right towards her. 3. The person will be very uncomfortable: This person was probably staring and being judgmental, but now you've reminded her that the person she was judging is actually a nice, friendly girl and maybe she'll be less judgmental in the future.

 

That may also only work in certain geographic regions where it's not super weird to say "hello" to those you pass in the street.

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This doesn't work for all people or all kids, but if your daughter is the kind who is comfortable being outgoing, maybe teach her to cheerfully say "hello" to whomever she thinks is staring. Tell her she'll probably get one of 3 reactions depending on what the person was thinking. 1. The person smiles and says "hello" back: This person wasn't staring, just making friendly eye contact and probably thought the make-up looked nice (or cute or whatever). 2. The person is momentarily startled and then smiles/says "hello.": This person wasn't staring at her, just lost in thought and staring off in the distance and happened to be looking right towards her. 3. The person will be very uncomfortable: This person was probably staring and being judgmental, but now you've reminded her that the person she was judging is actually a nice, friendly girl and maybe she'll be less judgmental in the future.

 

That may also only work in certain geographic regions where it's not super weird to say "hello" to those you pass in the street.

Good idea!

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:laugh:

 

 

I never said a 6 year old is a tart but rather dress like a tart. yes there is a difference between what I wrote and what you are implying I wrote.

 

 

 

 

and I don't care if you are judging me at all.

Saying someone sounds "like" a moron is still name calling. Using a similie is not an excuse to say anything like that about children. It's just as much name-calling as using a metaphor.
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I never said a 6 year old is a tart but rather dress like a tart. yes there is a difference between what I wrote and what you are implying I wrote.

 

No there really isn't a difference. The point is that YOU are the one who is sexualizing the child. Not the child who likes to wear comfy shorts and play with makeup. Not her parents who let her dress in a way that makes her feel comfortable and happy. The connection between a small child and adult sexual behavior is happening in YOUR brain. And all I can say to that is... eww.

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Somewhat off topic, but I have been surprised by some of the dances that young girls are taught to perform these days.  The girls don't realize how it looks, but the combination of moves, costumes, and music can be really unfortunate IMO.  I don't think it's artistic at all to have a 9yo wiggle her scantily-clad rear at the crowd etc.  Can't they come up with more age-appropriate choreography to display their talent without highlighting their buttcheeks?

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First, background info on my perspective:  I love playing with makeup.  I don't think it's appropriate for kids under 12 to wear makeup outside the house unless it's for a performance of some sort.  And I don't think dark makeup should be worn until at least 15.  Of course, I grew up in Florida where many adults don't wear much makeup, especially in the summer because it will just sweat off; but people from Baptist churches wear string bikinis to church events on the beach.  I even saw a teen girl in a thong bikini at a church function once, and the only one that seemed to raise an eyebrow was me. In the midwest, younger girls seem to wear makeup and cover up more unless they're at an athletic function.

 

Having said that, if you want to raise your daughter to be okay with ignoring social conventions, then you should probably try to explain them to her first.  No, they're not fair, but they are what they are.  Ignoring the conventions entirely, flaunting them, and throwing them in people's faces will always make some people stare.  If she doesn't want to be the brave girl that doesn't care what people think, and who get stared at, then play with makeup at home, and take it off when leaving.  This is really the sort of thing where if you're going to let her do whatever she wants, at least explain the potential consequences to her first.  Especially when she's at an age where she cares about social acceptance.  If she wants to be a YouTube celebrity makeup artist or whatever, that's all well and good, but she should know that it will probably come at the price of loneliness.  There's always time to be a makeup artist later.  It's perfectly fine to choose to be a child now first.

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First, background info on my perspective:  I love playing with makeup.  I don't think it's appropriate for kids under 12 to wear makeup outside the house unless it's for a performance of some sort.  And I don't think dark makeup should be worn until at least 15.  Of course, I grew up in Florida where many adults don't wear much makeup, especially in the summer because it will just sweat off; but people from Baptist churches wear string bikinis to church events on the beach.  I even saw a teen girl in a thong bikini at a church function once, and the only one that seemed to raise an eyebrow was me. In the midwest, younger girls seem to wear makeup and cover up more unless they're at an athletic function.

 

Having said that, if you want to raise your daughter to be okay with ignoring social conventions, then you should probably try to explain them to her first.  No, they're not fair, but they are what they are.  Ignoring the conventions entirely, flaunting them, and throwing them in people's faces will always make some people stare.  If she doesn't want to be the brave girl that doesn't care what people think, and who get stared at, then play with makeup at home, and take it off when leaving.  This is really the sort of thing where if you're going to let her do whatever she wants, at least explain the potential consequences to her first.  Especially when she's at an age where she cares about social acceptance.  If she wants to be a YouTube celebrity makeup artist or whatever, that's all well and good, but she should know that it will probably come at the price of loneliness.  There's always time to be a makeup artist later.  It's perfectly fine to choose to be a child now first.

 

Why would "being a child" and "playing with makeup" be mutually exclusive?  :confused1: 

 

Do people tell their children "No costumes and dress-up clothes for you, you have to wait until you're an adult for that?" Playing dress-up is a perfectly normal part of childhood, why can't children play make-up as well?

 

Honestly I think this attitude is a remnant of Victorian mores when people thought only whores and actresses (presumed to be the same thing at the time) wore makeup, and nice chaste females would never do such a thing. For young girls, makeup has nothing to so with sex. It's about playing with colors, trying different looks, and changing your appearance for fun, just like dress-up.

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I think that you and dd need to consider how you feel about the clothes, makeup, or whatever, and come to a decision about its appropriateness. If you don't think there is anything wrong with it, then you and dd just need to go about your business. We can't expect that everyone is going to agree with or approve of what we do/say/think/wear. If you've thoughtfully made a decision, then be ok with that. If someone else has a problem with it, then it's exactly that...their problem.

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