s/o What age to address adults like adults do?

[SKL]

Many adults have expectations that young kids address them differently from the way other adults do.  At what age does this expectation expire?  If I call someone Amy, when can my kids also call them Amy without causing umbrage?

 

I'm talking casual acquaintances, not teachers/leaders or really close family friends.

 

My kids are half grown, and it can be awkward wondering what they should call someone.  Most of the time they just don't call them anything.  :P

[Chris in VA]

Whatever fits your family culture.

 

For us, I prefer to go by Mrs. XXXX until kids are out of college.

 

YMMV and probably does.

 

ETA: I usually ask (when kids aren't around) the adult what they would like to be called, but our default is to have our kids under college age address adults as Mr/Mrs/Ms. In fact, only their youth group leaders are called by first names.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Chris in VA

[Farrar]

The culture among our friends is just call the person by their name. If I'm at all unsure and the kid will be addressing this person, I usually just ask.

[AmandaVT]

Everyone is pretty informal where I live - DS addresses people with the name they've introduced themselves. I can think of only 1 person that has introduced herself as Mrs. so and so. Actually, he calls his french teacher Madam. So two. :-) 

[bettyandbob]

Out of high school, I think.

 

For me, parents of my childhood friends will forever be Mrs. Lastname. I can't get used to calling them something different even though I am now 50.

[Bluegoat]

I think a solid rule is to have them address them as young people to older, until the person says "oh, please call me X."  It is hard to go wrong with that.

 

Once they are into working, they will be meeting the other workers as equals, so age matters less.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Bluegoat

[Angie in VA]

I'm old, southern, and set in my ways. I called adults by Mr./Mrs/Miss Surname until told otherwise, and usually even after that. 

 

When one (newly adult-aged) family friend called me Angie for the first time, it was the sweetest compliment. One friend whose dd is the same age as my dd, still calls me "Miss Angie". It's sweet, but I've never asked her or anyone to call me that. 

 

Enough rambling. Our dc are taught to use title and surname. I only have one child who's >18. I don't know that any of our adult friends have offered to let her use their first names. She still refers to music teachers, conductors, etc. from her high school days as "Mr./Mrs. Surname". 

Edited April 8, 2016 by Angie in VA

[Sun]

I'm not sure answers on this forum will be useful as it varies so much according to one's region.

[marbel]

I have some young adults in my life whom I've known since they were little kids.  They grew up calling me "Mrs Lastname."  Around about when they move into adult circles (so, after high school / into college) I'll find a time in a conversation to say something like, "if you can do it, you are welcome to call me Margaret now."    It usually takes them a few tries, but I've never had anyone not start calling me by my first name.  No, that's not quite right: It seems to be harder for males.  One guy responded with "Oh, I don't know if I can; my mom taught me better than that!"  Now that I'm thinking about it, I think he doesn't call me anything at all.  :mellow:

 

My husband was a middle-aged grad student.  Fellow students knew him as "Firstname" but called me "Mrs. Lastname."  I cried foul on that.  I am older than him, but not by that much, and certainly if we are both old enough to be your parents, you have to use the same method to address us!   :lol:

Edited April 8, 2016 by marbel

[Pink and Green Mom]

Where I live (Florida) it is about 50/50 Miss/Mr. Firstname or Mrs./Mr. Lastname.  When we lived in Northern VA it was all Mr./Mrs. Last Name no matter how close you were to the other people.

 

The only "kids" who call me by my first name without Miss in front of it or Mrs. Lastname are in college. I would not like it at all if a child under 18 called me by my first name.  I'm sure other people would think that weird but it is how I personally feel.

 

Like a previous poster said, I still call my high school friends' parents Mr/Mrs. Lastname despite being 45.

[Bluegoat]

It's actually unusual here to hear adults called Mr/Ms Lastname outside of school or similar activities.  Most of the time, other adults are introduced by their first name to kids, so there isn't much choice in how to address them.

 

I think always, the fundamental rule is to try and call people by the name they wished to be addressed by.  I've met a few parents who would not let their kids call other adults by the names they requested, and I find that very odd. 

[FaithManor]

We do Mr., Mrs. Ms. X until the person says otherwise. We have a lot of retired folks in the community who were raised that way so they expect the title until the young adult is at least mid-20's. For me, if I am not in a teaching or authoritative/management style position then one of the things I like to tell young people when they graduate is "you can now call me by my first name". It is a kind of nice rite of passage.

 

When I have taught at the CC, I go by Professor H or Prof H, which is a nice blend of having a title that reminds the student that I am to be respected and yet informal enough that seem to feel I'm approachable and will help which is a good thing.

 

Most of the youth group leaders in the area go with titles, but the college students who may help or chaperone usually go with first names.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I notice most adults will call themselves by the name they want to be called.  So the drama teacher intros herself to the kids by her first name.  So they call her by her first name.

 

I don't encounter adults outside of a school situation who require formal address.  I personally prefer to be called by my first name. 

[StephanieZ]

Ahhh, I remember this well.

 

It was and is my tradition to keep calling my friend's mom "Mrs. Bryant" or "Dr. Jones" until they, with years of insistence, wear me down and I finally relent and call them "Jim" and "Sally" -- generally between age 30 and 40 was when I made the switch. 

 

I had friends who kept calling my mom "Ms. Craig" until she died, even though she'd have been very fine with them calling her "Mary Ellen" for decades, lol. I thought it was respectful and sweet. Mom didn't mind at all, either. 

 

There were a few of my mom's friends that I finally relented and called by their first names in the last years of her life (when they were in their 70s) just because I was talking to them routinely to arrange get togethers for Mom (who had dementia, so couldn't manage these things), and I was also communicating with them a lot about Mom's status, etc, so I finally felt more like friends. So, I finally relented . . . I got old enough and tired enough to finally feel comfortable being their "equals" . . . 

 

So, that's what I've encouraged my kids to do . . . Stick with the respectful title at least into college age, unless the person in question insists super strong, in which case, of course, try to respect their request. At that point, play it by ear with each relationship. Seems to work for us. 

[skimomma]

From day one.  Unless someone asked dd to address them as Mr./Mrs./Ms. (which has not happened as far as I know), we default to first names.  We run with a pretty casual crowd in a pretty casual area so this is the norm.  About half of the adults dd knows are technically "Drs." anyway which is just another level of complexity that kids struggle with.  I have had a handful of kids come to play over the years that addressed me as Mrs. Lastname and I asked them to use my first name instead as I prefer that.  It was only a problem once.  The mom called me after the child went home to "scold" me for encouraging her child to "be rude."  I countered that it was even more "rude" to address someone by a name they do not want to be addressed.  I was not surprised that that ended up being the last time our kids ever played together.  Even dd's orchestra conductor and music teacher (both have PhDs) ask he kids to call them by their first names.

[Loowit]

My kids never used formal address for adults other than teachers (preschool).  In our area we are just very informal.  I am very uncomfortable being called Mrs. Lastname in a social setting, well really in pretty much any setting.  I was really annoyed when I found out that the troop we joined had decided to have the scouts use Mrs/Mr Lastname for adults.  This has changed in the two years since we joined to first names which I really appreciate.  What is odd about the whole thing is that it was DH's troop years and years ago, and he said back then it was first names, so I am not sure why or when it changed.  The formalness just really doesn't fit with our area.

[Butter]

It all depends on what the person being addressed wants, what your child is comfortable with, and the type of relationship.  There are a couple people much older than me who I have called by their first name since I was a toddler and there are a few people much older than me that I still (at 38) address as Mrs. So-and-So (most have said I can call them by their first name, but it's a total habit now).

[tm919]

The culture among our friends is just call the person by their name. If I'm at all unsure and the kid will be addressing this person, I usually just ask.

Yeah, I never thought about it being otherwise, although now that I remember I DID used to call my friends' mothers Mrs. SoandSo. My 4 year old calls adults by their first names.

Edited April 8, 2016 by tm919

[HS Mom in NC]

Around here if it's not a particularly conservative church most kids call adults by their first name unless the adult was introduced to them otherwise. All the professors at the community college go by their first names with their students.  In conservative churches I've been to I've had to tell now adults who knew me when they were kids that they should call me by my first name because they're adults now. I don't bother introducing myself by my first name to kids at church anymore because apparently the parents can't handle it emotionally even though it's the cultural norm in the area.  (Eye roll.)

[Tanaqui]

Around here, most people do FirstName only forever. However, my rule is you call the other person what they want to be called. It's extremely impolite and disrespectful to do just FirstName if they want to be Miss FirstName, or to do Mr. LastName if they want to be just FirstName or even Nickname.

[Pam in CT]

I do think this is regional.

 

Around here, first names are the norm.  Teachers and coach-type figures are the only ones that use titles (some -- eg preschool -- with first names; school age teachers usually last names; and both Coach/Master/Sensei (LastName) and Coach (FirstName) are common.  My youngest is 13 and she refers to the parents of all her friends' parents by first name, as well as her religious school teachers and studio art teachers.   By high school, some teachers go by first name too.  At my older daughter's, perhaps half; at my son's, maybe a third, usually the younger ones.

 

 

ETA: I totally concur with Tanaqui that people should be called whatever they want to be called.  And if I have any reason to wonder -- a person older than me, lol, or from a different region, or who seems a bit more formal, I'll ask.  The norm, though, is first names outside of structured teacher/student relationships.

 

Edited April 8, 2016 by Pam in CT

[Murphy101]

I don't think there's a specific age. It just sorta happens.

 

Or doesn't.

 

I'm for sure an adult and I call almost everyone either 'sir' or 'ma'am' and I call most adults who aren't my friends or immediate family Mr/Mrs/miss lastname.

 

It's the only thing I ever got written up for when I used to have a job at places that wanted all customers to be spoken to by their first name (which I thought, but kept to myself, was really tacky and unprofessional). It's such an ingrained habit, I could not break it. So I always just took the hit from my exasperated bosses.

 

Professionally, it depends.

 

For example, I've noticed Drs get annoyed if I call them by their first name but think nothing of using mine. As I told one OB, "The only guy who outs his hand there and uses my name is my husband." 😉 To be fair, I think the OB didn't know my name. He overheard my dh call me what my dh calls me and thought it was my name. It was very unnerving to have him be giving my pelvic and say that name bc my dh and my BFF since 7th grade are the only people in my life who use it. Lol

[MrsWeasley]

I still call adults in their fifties and older Mr./Ms. Lastname, and my kids do, too. When in doubt, I encourage my kids to go with Mr/Ms Lastname.  A lot of adults my age (nearing thirty - gasp) introduce themselves as Mr/Ms Firstname, though. I will admit that it feels weird when a kid calls me Mrs Lastname, much weirder than just my first name. Most kids call me One of My Kid's Name's Mom. 

[Mbelle]

When someone is an adult they can call people by their first name.  I taught my kids to call adults Ms/Mr..firstname or lastname..depending on if they were a friend or not. It is not negotiable. 

I still say Mrs/Ms/Mr as well quite a lot as well.  I just do.  I still say Sir/M'am as well.  

 

I think some things need to change to reflect current culture.  For instance most MD's tend to refer to themselves as Dr. Lastname, but then turn right around and call me firstname.  I see this happening in some churches with pastors too.  I actually don't think they are giving it any thought. 

[HS Mom in NC]

Around here, most people do FirstName only forever. However, my rule is you call the other person what they want to be called. It's extremely impolite and disrespectful to do just FirstName if they want to be Miss FirstName, or to do Mr. LastName if they want to be just FirstName or even Nickname.

 

Yes, and it's just as disrespectful to introduce yourself as Firstname and have the parent insist that you go Mrs. Lastname with their kids. If I were to go by Lastname, I wouldn't use the outdated Mrs., I'd use Ms. because it's archaic to insist a women distinguish her martial status when a man's martial status isn't distinguished with Mr.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yes, and it's just as disrespectful to introduce yourself as Firstname and have the parent insist that you go Mrs. Lastname with their kids. If I were to go by Lastname, I wouldn't use the outdated Mrs., I'd use Ms. because it's archaic to insist a women distinguish her martial status when a man's martial status isn't distinguished with Mr.

 

Yeah I once had a friend who wanted her kids to call me Miss Wendy.  That grated on me severely and I couldn't get that fact through to her. 

[regentrude]

Depends entirely on the circle.

In my circle of friends, all children call all adults by their first names. The adults would hate to be called Mrs X.

 

My neighbor wants to be called Miss Firstname. She is from the South. I have no idea whether this ever expires.

 

Edited April 8, 2016 by regentrude

[SparklyUnicorn]

 

 

My neighbor wants to be called Miss Firstname. She is from the South. I have no idea whether this ever expires.

 

Interesting.  The only time I have encountered this is with preschool teachers.  I had no idea that people did this otherwise.

[HS Mom in NC]

Here employees don't use "Ma'am" unless a woman is very obviously elderly.  Until she's hunched over, grey and wrinkly, it's "Miss." Some women under say, 60, would take "Ma'am" as an insult so settings like stores and restaurants you can expect to be called "Miss" most of the time unless the employee is from somewhere else even if you're middle aged because employees don't want to catch h3ll for it.

Children don't use "Sir" or "Ma'am" around here anyway.  It would raise eyebrows and it would be interpreted as obsequious and pretentious by a lot of people.  Before you comment about that understand I'm not advocating that reaction, I'm just telling you how I have seen people respond to behavior that isn't the cultural norm. My step-dad is from The South so I understand how ingrained it can be, but it's weird to people here.

[MrsWeasley]

Depends entirely on the circle.

In my circle of friends, all children call all adults by their first names. The adults would hate to be called Mrs X.

 

My neighbor wants to be called Miss Firstname. She is from the South. I have no idea whether this ever expires.

 

Midwesterner here and Ms. Firstname is super common here.

[AmandaVT]

I'm reading the latest posts and it's gotten me thinking about our Dr's - DS's pedi introduced himself as Dr. Joe and the nurses are Nurse firstname as well. My Dr prefers to be called by her first name. At the dentist, the staff and hygienists call the Dr. by her first name, but I always call her Dr. lastname. I don't know too many people who go by the more formal name.

[Daria]

To me, it's largely about the age gap. 

 

So, I still call my godmother, who is 92, and my son's grandmother, who is 88 "Mrs. . . . .", but my mother who is in her 70's calls them "Margaret" and "Martha".  

 

Similarly, I have a 22 year old friend at work.  I imagine that if he met her my son would call her "Jane", but a toddler might call her "Ms. . . . "

 

Having said that, I've told my students that when they walk across the stage at graduation, they can say "Hello Daria" to me on the other side, but until then it's "Ms. . . . ". 

[SKL]

The doctor my parents and sister go to is Dr. Firstname.

 

I've always taught my kids to call doctors Dr. Lastname.  But I never really thought about it.  Just kinda felt right.

[FaithManor]

Yes, and it's just as disrespectful to introduce yourself as Firstname and have the parent insist that you go Mrs. Lastname with their kids. If I were to go by Lastname, I wouldn't use the outdated Mrs., I'd use Ms. because it's archaic to insist a women distinguish her martial status when a man's martial status isn't distinguished with Mr.

I agree. I use Ms.("maiden" name) in 4-H for this very reason. The difference in marital status titles for women came from the practice of them being treated as male property. No thanks. When I teach, I'm Ms. "maiden" name because that is the name on my degrees.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Here employees don't use "Ma'am" unless a woman is very obviously elderly.  Until she's hunched over, grey and wrinkly, it's "Miss." Some women under say, 60, would take "Ma'am" as an insult so settings like stores and restaurants you can expect to be called "Miss" most of the time unless the employee is from somewhere else even if you're middle aged because employees don't want to catch h3ll for it.

 

Children don't use "Sir" or "Ma'am" around here anyway.  It would raise eyebrows and it would be interpreted as obsequious and pretentious by a lot of people.  Before you comment about that understand I'm not advocating that reaction, I'm just telling you how I have seen people respond to behavior that isn't the cultural norm. My step-dad is from The South so I understand how ingrained it can be, but it's weird to people here.

 

Yeah I've been called ma'am.  I didn't enjoy it.  LOL

 

I am tickled pink when someone calls me Miss.

[Murphy101]

Yeah I've been called ma'am. I didn't enjoy it. LOL

 

I am tickled pink when someone calls me Miss.

*confused*

 

I've been called ma'am since... Gosh. Idk. Forever. I remember being called that even in my late teens and early twenties. Usually as a safe polite respect when they didn't know my name or marital status. Presuming I didn't think they were doing it in that Tone that would have gotten me in trouble for sassing, it's never bothered me in the slightest.

[Mbelle]

*confused*

 

I've been called ma'am since... Gosh. Idk. Forever. I remember being called that even in my late teens and early twenties. Usually as a safe polite respect when they didn't know my name or marital status. Presuming I didn't think they were doing it in that Tone that would have gotten me in trouble for sassing, it's never bothered me in the slightest.

  

 

I'm agree with you!  But, I do live in the South and that's the culture here.  I don't change my culture to suite people who move here.

 

However, If I move to Michigan, like some of my cousins did they quit saying m'am/sir for several years until they moved back home.

 

My analogy is if you move to France you pick up French and you certainly don't get offended by all that French they speak.

[Guest]

I have never been able to make a transition once I was an adult, if I was already calling someone by a title and name. (In some cases, it was first name.) So, my mom's friends are still Ms. Valerie or Ms. Smith. I can't really feel comfortable strolling up to them and now saying, "So, Linda, how's life treatin' ya?" But if I am meeting a new adult peer, such as when I first started working, then yeah, it didn't feel (very) odd that this was "George" or "Liz."

[RoughCollie]

Both in the suburban Boston town we lived in and in our town in western PA, every kid calls every adult Mr. or Mrs. Lastname. My sons are 22, and I still have to continually remind their friends that it is fine to call me by my first name because they are adults now. 

 

My extended family is in the South, and my kids have never remember to use Ma'am and Sir when addressing adults.  They aren't used to it, mainly because I wanted them to fit into the culture where they actually lived.

 

What I hate is when adults call me by my first name, and are taken aback when I address them by theirs.  It is so authoritarian, and not something I am going to buy into when I am paying for products or services.

[Guest]

Yeah I once had a friend who wanted her kids to call me Miss Wendy. That grated on me severely and I couldn't get that fact through to her.

Interesting. It's very typical here. The kids at co-op almost always call the other moms and teachers Ms. or Mr. Firstname. Most call me Ms. Danielle (or Miss Danielle).

[Laura Corin]

My family culture was for first names from the beginning, but I remember that we used to call one neighbour 'Mrs White', so that was probably what she preferred.  A friend's family used to use 'Aunty Susan' etc. for adult family friends.  I've not heard title plus first name.

 

School teachers are usually title plus last name but university lecturers/professors are often first name.  Sir/Ma'am are not much used here and therefore tend to sound sarcastic.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Laura Corin

[Daria]

I grew up with a Texan dad who I loved to death and called "Sir".

 

Several times when I was a kid, I'd call a friend's dad "sir" and they'd say "You know me too well for that!" Which was super confusing because of course I knew my dad better than them.

[Haiku]

If I call someone Amy, when can my kids also call them Amy without causing umbrage?

 

When the person in question tells them they can.

 

I ran into one of my college professors at something completely unrelated several years after I graduated. I called him "Dr. So-and-so" until he said, "Call me [first name]."

 

On a related note, I like to be called "Tara." It drives me bonkers when people insist that their kids call me "Miss Tara" or "Mrs. Lastname" because they (the parents) insist that it's polite. It's impolite to call me something I don't wish to be called.

[HS Mom in NC]

*confused*

 

I've been called ma'am since... Gosh. Idk. Forever. I remember being called that even in my late teens and early twenties. Usually as a safe polite respect when they didn't know my name or marital status. Presuming I didn't think they were doing it in that Tone that would have gotten me in trouble for sassing, it's never bothered me in the slightest.

 

Because where ever it is that you're from, "ma'am" means female of unknown but likely adult age and unknown marital or married status.  Here is means old lady. If you grew up in an environment where it meant "old lady" you probably would be bothered by it if someone called you that before you considered yourself an old lady.

[Mergath]

Dd calls adults by whatever name they use to introduce themselves to her, but almost without exception it's a first name. People around here are very casual.

 

I'm trying to imagine how it would go over if she walked up to one of my adult friends and referred to them as "Mrs. LastName." Hilarity would ensue, I think.

[Rosie_0801]

Even women my grandmother's age introduce themselves to children by their first name, these days.

[MysteryJen]

I didn't call adults I knew as a child by their first name until I was married with children. I am the only Mrs. Last name on the swim team. And I do prefer it. My kids told all their friends I prefer it and it has been fine. Still considered cool by the boys :) according to my girls.

[Grover]

I can think of two parents in ourcircle of friends and acquaintances who insist on being Mrs Lastname.  Everyone else is just first name.  Those two parents also insist their kids call me Mrs Lastname which I dislike, but I respect this parenting decision.  It is so rare here outside of schools that I have to remind my kids when we are seeing these two particular families that "Sue" prefers them to refer to her as "Mrs Jones". 

 

As an aside, I can often tell which school I taught kids in by what they call me - some call me Miss MaidenName, some Mrs MarriedName, some Miss FirstName and some just FirstName.  It helps me narrow down who they might be, lol!

[SparklyUnicorn]

Interesting. It's very typical here. The kids at co-op almost always call the other moms and teachers Ms. or Mr. Firstname. Most call me Ms. Danielle (or Miss Danielle).

 

Well maybe in that setting it's ok.  I just felt like what the heck lady, I'm your friend not your kid's preschool teacher.

[JonesinIndiana]

Coming from the south, my girls called adults Mr/Mrs Firstname. We do have a few teachers that prefer Mrs Lastname. we have continued this since we moved to the Midwest.

 

Major pet peeve of mine: I've worked in the dental field for 25+ years, and it irritates me when staff call elderly (70+ year old people) by their first name. Really? Especially when the Doctor expects to be called Dr Name. Just comes across as disrespectful to me.

 

I'm probably just getting old and cranky. 😠