Fuming over ridiculous In-Laws

[Junie]

I really hate sports.  I detest sports.  Just hearing a tv with sports on it makes my blood pressure go up.

 

However, I love Doctor Who.  And when the 50th anniversary episode aired, some friends also had a party that day. No one understood why I completely did NOT want to go to the party and wanted to watch Doctor Who instead.  But the Doctor Who thing was a world wide event.  People all around the world were watching all at the same time.  (It turned out that the party and the show were at different times and I was able to go to both.)

 

If it had been family and not friends having the party, I'd have asked whether they could change the date.  Because I would have trusted that they still loved me, even with my Doctor Who quirk and wouldn't judge me harshly, and I'd have hoped that they would be understanding that I was torn in two directions. If they said no, then they said no and I'd have had to choose.  I mean, I can't call the BBC and have them change the airing date of the Dr. Who ep, but maybe the party could be changed. 

 

I wouldn't have asked friends to change the date but I would have asked family.  I guess I feel that you can be open and honest with family and just ask.  I would have figured the worst that would happen is that they say no.  I guess I'm wrong. I guess the worst that can happen is that they get completely offended and consider never hanging out with me again. 

 

I wouldn't have asked friends, but I would have asked family.

 

:iagree:  To some people, March Madness is bigger than the Super Bowl.  Especially if the college that they went to is playing.  If my brother were to ask me to change the time of the party so that he could watch his game and attend the party, I don't think that's an unreasonable request.  To me it's not a big deal whether the party is at 1:00 or 5:00.

 

If you can't switch the time for some reason (naps, other obligations, a TV show that you want to watch, etc.) then it would also be reasonable to say, "No, sorry.  We can't switch the time."

 

I also think it depends on how many people are invited to the party.  Our extended family is pretty small, so everyone would want everyone else to be able to come and would be willing to change times to accommodate.  If it was a large gathering, I would just say that 20 people (or whatever) had already been invited for x time, so it would be difficult to switch.

[gardenmom5]

 .  She's a piece of work if she doesn't get her way.  

 

I'm done with these people.  I would love to never invite them to anything but it's Dh's family and despite the fact that they treat him like garbage, he still tries to keep a working relationship with them.  

 

says everything you need to know about her.

I wouldn't make any excuses about not having the game on - I'd simply say "sorry, that doens't work for us.  maybe we'll see you another time". sounds like she'll be a piece of work if she doens't get her way - doens't matter what you do.

 

again, for many families, parties for young children are not centered on the children; they are celebratory social gatherings that celebrate the birthday or other occasion (baptism parties are like this in my in-laws' culture) but the focus is not on what the child wants.  It's more of a "let's throw a party for the family to celebrate this occasion" than "let's throw a party for this individual to celebrate this occasion."

 

I'm not explaining it very clearly, I know. 

 

I get parties for very young children are really about the adults, I"ve been to some, - but there are children there. you need to be able to drop everything to tend to a child at times.  there need to be things children enjoy, in a safe environment for them.  noise can be more problematic for young children than adults (I realize there are many adults who don't think about the noise exposure of their kids.  I was FORCED to endure alot of noise growing up by the adults in charge.)

adults who are very invovled in something else, have a harder time dropping things when required.

Rabid college basketball fan here.   I fly all over the country with a week's notice to watch my team play.  If I can't make it, you better believe I'm watching it live on tv.  (and the people suggesting dvr are very out of touch with what tournament play is like.  it's NOT like avoiding walking dead spoilers.  At all.  It's a live sporting event!)  

 

depends upon why you're watching.  dh was very invovled with football in college - and it's stuck.  he dvrs games all the time - he rarely cares about the final score, he's watching for the play.  (if he *really* cares about the final score - he might watch it live.)  He has alot of other things to do, and would rather have more time to do those things that spend that much time watching a game.  and no - he can't do both at the same time.  he might check a score during the game while doing those other things, but that which has higher priority to him - requires his focus.

 

It's amazing to me how many different thoughts there are on kids parties.  Growing up, birthday parties were given for kids old enough to remember.  That's how it is in my family now.  But living in an area that's diverse, there are many parties for 1 year olds and for baptisms that are very large.  The last one party for a 1 year old I attended  had well over 100 people, mostly adults, with a DJ, great food and alcohol.  It lasted well into the morning hours.

 

sounds more like an excuse for a party.  I'm sure that 1yo was in bed long before the party was over.

[Eliz]

sounds more like an excuse for a party.  I'm sure that 1yo was in bed long before the party was over.

 

That's what I thought when I first moved here.  But it so much more.  The parties are a celebration of family and the young child.  The ones I've attended are joyous occasions, even if they very different from my own experience. 

[Loowit]

I would be shocked if a family member or friend asked me to change my party date and/or time.  I would consider it rude.  I think it would be fair to say that they can't make it because of a former commitment, and I may, depending on the scheduling offer to change to accommodate.

 

We also would not allow the TV to be on during a party.  Too much noise.  My FIL is a huge sports fan, mostly football. The records games that conflict with family functions and watches them later.  He avoids spoilers by keeping away from social media and family and friends know not to say anything to him.  He has never complained about having to watch it from a recording.

[gardenmom5]

hmm  - still posts despite 504 errors.

 

I've got to load office on my new computer . . . .

Edited March 14, 2016 by gardenmom5

[SKL]

Yeah, just for the record, TV in the background really annoys me.  I know not everyone feels that way.  I would never turn on the TV at a party / gathering, absent a request from someone I cared to accommodate, and assuming the rest of the crowd would understand.  Even then it would annoy me, but sometimes we accommodate annoyances.  :)

[creekland]

Well I think a lot of the Olympics is aired live and guess what, I DVR it. I'm just a weirdo. I will never understand why people say "we" about a team they are not on. I used to play basketball, too.

 

Ha!  I'm not into most sports, but there are some Olympic events I really like.  I'll use Tunnel Bear to pretend I'm in the UK in order to watch them LIVE rather than the paltry coverage our TV gives us.  And yes, I work my schedule (including sleep if needed) around it.  ;)

 

There's really no sense in watching a sporting event taped IMO.

 

It could be more fun to watch a 1 year old's birthday party taped come to think of it... (but I'll admit I've never been to one to know - we just did a small nuclear family celebration when our kids turned 1).

[importswim]

*lifeoftheparty*, on 13 Mar 2016 - 11:53 PM, said:

I don't get this mentality at all. Like, not even a little bit. That people idolize and rearrange their lives around silly sports games is completely bizarre and twisted to me. It's one thing if you are an athlete, playing in a game... but to prioritize a stupid sports game (that you can record these days, no less!!) over attending a birthday party or other family event is just.... I have no words. I mean... w.o.w.

 

Are you actually saying that her feelings shouldn't be hurt because her selfish/childish inlaws would rather stare at a TV, watching grown men throw a ball around.... than show up to celebrate her daughters FIRST birthday???? I would not only have my feelings hurt, I would question the sanity and love of those inlaws. Good gravy get a DVR already!!! Or better yet, get. a. life. A real one.

 

Signed,

 

Person who thinks "sports culture" is the dumbest and most useless thing ever

No, I wrote that I get why she's upset because I know that she wouldn't understand if she weren't a sports fan. You reiterated my point. :laugh:

 

Thanks for the giggle!

[GAPeachie]

Ha!  I'm not into most sports, but there are some Olympic events I really like.  I'll use Tunnel Bear to pretend I'm in the UK in order to watch them LIVE rather than the paltry coverage our TV gives us.  And yes, I work my schedule (including sleep if needed) around it.   ;)

 

There's really no sense in watching a sporting event taped IMO.

 

It could be more fun to watch a 1 year old's birthday party taped come to think of it... (but I'll admit I've never been to one to know - we just did a small nuclear family celebration when our kids turned 1).

 

The only time I record a sporting event is if I ALSO am willing to go on a media black out.  I can't read Facebook, refresh any news article or look at ANY forums until I watch it.  Otherwise I will know the outcome.  I really only do it when two events are running at the same time like in the Olympics.  

 

We have some birthdays that we do more for.  Usually 1, 5, 10 and 13.  I see us continuing this for 16 and 18 and maybe 21.  

 

That said, we also don't often change our internal family plans for other people's whims.  It'd have to be something huge... like a child ACTUALLY IN a game or competition.  It wouldn't necessarily have to be OUR child though. 

[FaithManor]

Okay so let me get this straight. They are not having an issue because it is a game that one of their children is involved in or do they have expensive tickets, likely purchased before you announced the party, to a college or professional team game, but it is some basketball game they want to watch on t.v. Since t.v. sports is so important to them, they will have a pre-schooler's birthday party at a sports' bar, a venue that is notoriously known to be adult oriented.

 

Nah....I think I would not only let them know you will not be tuning in the sporting event, but that it might be best if they stay home.

 

I would not invite them next year nor the MIL as it is completely unacceptable to call a child's father an A-hole in front of the child. Period. Without an apology and a promise to improve one's manners, I simply wouldn't want the MIL present at a children's party. Too bad so sad. Had anyone in my family called dh that in front of our kids when they were little, it would have ended invites to my house.

[FaithManor]

Ha!  I'm not into most sports, but there are some Olympic events I really like.  I'll use Tunnel Bear to pretend I'm in the UK in order to watch them LIVE rather than the paltry coverage our TV gives us.  And yes, I work my schedule (including sleep if needed) around it.   ;)

 

There's really no sense in watching a sporting event taped IMO.

 

It could be more fun to watch a 1 year old's birthday party taped come to think of it... (but I'll admit I've never been to one to know - we just did a small nuclear family celebration when our kids turned 1).

Oh I get it. We are pretty likely to be glued to the winter Olympics every four years and use tunnel bear as well.

 

 I wouldn't ditch a close family member's birthday party for it though.

 

I think the real insult here is that they asked a pre-planned family party be re-arranged simply to watch a game on t.v. If it means that much to the sporting family, then they should just rsvp "not attending with regrets" no explanation needed. It is just rude to ask someone to upend - and by that the plans of all the other party goers to whom the date has already been advertised as well as the plans of the host or hostess - for a televised game and then ask if they can come, but ignore the party in order to watch it there. This is a child's birthday party. Not a Super Bowl party for the guys.

 

And I say this with all the love in the world as a person with certain blindsides as well. I'm a derby girl so the Kentucky race means we dress up, wear hats, drink mint juleps, and eat derby pie while watching it (okay, they eat derby pie...I have a wheat allergy and rarely take the time to make pie crusts with rice or coconut flour because baking is enough of a stretch for me as it is without complications.   :D ) But, I still wouldn't, if invited to another person's party, ask them to reschedule because the derby is on. We'd either suck it up an go with a smile, or express regrets that we are already engaged in other plans for that day.

[SquirrellyMama]

For those who think this is just about some petty hate of sport - I don't care what the passion is - sport, poetry readings, jazz band, bushwalking, gaming, following politics, whatever - if you cannot put it down in favour of the living, breathing child in front of you for a couple of hours once a year - you have your priorities wrong. 

 

Nurturing relationship with the children you (supposedly!) love is never the wrong choice. 

 

I disagree. If you (general you) are only nurturing this relationship once a year, that is wrong, unless distance is an issue. Nurturing the relationship through out the year, but missing this one event, is not wrong. That one basketball game can be a huge deal. That could be the one time your team wins the NCAA tournament ever, and you miss it. If there is a good relationship year round I don't think missing a party is going to destroy that relationship.

 

I'm not even referencing the OP's in-laws. They sound toxic, especially the MIL. To her, I say keep the party when you want to have it, and let your in-laws miss it.

 

Kelly

[maize]

For those who think this is just about some petty hate of sport - I don't care what the passion is - sport, poetry readings, jazz band, bushwalking, gaming, following politics, whatever - if you cannot put it down in favour of the living, breathing child in front of you for a couple of hours once a year - you have your priorities wrong.

 

Nurturing relationship with the children you (supposedly!) love is never the wrong choice.

I think this is where you have to take family culture into account.

 

Birthdays and birthday parties are just not a big deal in some families, and that has nothing to do with whether or not they care about nurturing a relationship.

 

I have lots of nieces and nephews who I have good relationships with in spite of never having attended birthday parties for them. My kids have aunts and uncles who love them in spite of never having attended a birthday party in their honor.

Edited March 14, 2016 by maize

[myfunnybunch]

I believe it is rude, in most instances, to ask the host to change the time and date of their event to accommodate one's schedule. I wouldn't be fuming over it. I'd just let them know politely that the time and date are set, and they are welcome to attend or not.

 

It would hurt my feelings, though, if family chose a televised sporting event over my child's first birthday. I think that stinks. :( But you have no control over their choice. And yikes, I'm with the folks who said that anyone who called my dh a swear word in front of my young child wouldn't be invited to any event I hosted without an apology and a promise to mend their behavior. Ouch. I can see why this is loaded.

 

I also believe that criticizing the time, date, or place of another family's choice of party for their child is unnecessary, as is the assumption made by many posters that a four year old girl couldn't really be interested in having a party at a sports bar. Your idea (and mine, fwiw) of a great 4 y.o. birthday might be pizza and decorations, but not everyone feels that way. It seems a little unfair to expect them to value your kind of party and then turn around and criticize theirs for being different.

 

Different strokes....I wish I'd learned much sooner that thinking along the lines of, "Gee, I hope little Suzie-Q enjoys her birthday party at the sports bar," and going about my business is way more satisfying and causes less conflict in the long run than getting judgmental about someone else's party decision (or whatever is the issue at hand). If you don't want to go, then politely decline.

Edited March 14, 2016 by myfunnybunch

[eternalsummer]

But if the party or celebration was important to your child, nephew/niece or their parents - like it is to the OP -  and it was geographically, financially and logistically possible to attend, I bet my bottom dollar your particular family wouldn't be 'meh, we'd rather watch sport on TV. Change the date for us, will you ?'

 

If I had a close relative (close enough to care if they came to my 1 year old's party, which is a pretty limited set of people) for whom I knew that college basketball was their super major passion, I would try to hold the party on a different day or time.  Similarly, if my relative were really into politics (like at the "spending 100 hours a year volunteering" level), I wouldn't hold the party on Election Night.  If we had a bunch of football nuts in the family and I inadvertently scheduled it for Superbowl Sunday (not an important event for me), I'd be happy to change on request.

[Anne in CA]

Sadie, I agree with you 500%. People should come first, living, breathing people. My dh sacrificed our whole families' relationship with our ILs rather than give up two hours of the Super Bowl. OMG, my children paid for his selfishness through the nose. It was a similar issue and his family was hurt. It didn't matter that I came and brought the kids, him skipping really hurt his sister, and to be honest, I don't blame her. I could never change his mind, even with a time machine, but there are real consequences to putting media of any kind before people.

[maize]

But if the party or celebration was important to your child, nephew/niece or their parents - like it is to the OP - and it was geographically, financially and logistically possible to attend, I bet my bottom dollar your particular family wouldn't be 'meh, we'd rather watch sport on TV. Change the date for us, will you ?'

No, they wouldn't for something they knew was important to my family. I would also, however, not take offense at or refuse to make adjustments to accommodate something that was important to one of them.

 

To me personally, neither the party nor the sporting event is important.

 

So I have trouble seeing why the party being important to the OP is a valid concern but the sporting event being important to the in laws is not. Both seem equally valid to me.

 

It's not about the child, a twelve month old is not going to particularly care or remember which relatives came to the party.

 

I do understand and agree with the general "family is more important than x interest"; but I think it could equally apply to "family is more important than the specific time/date of x event" i.e. moving the party to accommodate the game is just as reasonable as missing the game to attend the party.

 

In a family with healthy relationships and dynamics, either could happen.

 

Other information provided suggests a lack of healthy dynamics overall in OP's extended family.

Edited March 14, 2016 by maize

[SquirrellyMama]

Sadie, I agree with you 500%. People should come first, living, breathing people. My dh sacrificed our whole families' relationship with our ILs rather than give up two hours of the Super Bowl. OMG, my children paid for his selfishness through the nose. It was a similar issue and his family was hurt. It didn't matter that I came and brought the kids, him skipping really hurt his sister, and to be honest, I don't blame her. I could never change his mind, even with a time machine, but there are real consequences to putting media of any kind before people.

 

Whose fault is that, really? One event ruined your relationship forever? I think is an issue with your ILs. I had siblings not come to my wedding. Not a big deal. I still love my siblings.

 

ETA: My wedding was on a Vikings/Packers game night. I'm married a Minnesotan in MN. We watched a football game that night :) I don't even like football. I find it really funny instead of being bent out of shape.

 

Kelly

Edited March 14, 2016 by SquirrellyMama

[heartlikealion]

I don't have DVR anymore, but at the time it was the only way to catch some of the Olympic events. They are on at all hours*. There are times when ideal is not possible. Ideally I'd like to see every major super hero movie in the theater with ds and dh, but instead I watch the digital downloads (ha, most I still haven't gotten around to watching) because I'm not going to hire a sitter for dd every time I want to go to the movies with the boys. We're talking about recording a sports event that can be watched a few hours later. Not a movie that you have to wait months to see. How hard is it to avoid sports spoilers for a few hours? The people at the party are unlikely to say anything because they aren't watching it. Keep the radio off and stay away from certain websites for a few hours?? The Walking Dead is the closest to my March Madness and I know my comparison was dismissed but on dh's side of the family TWD is a big deal lol. Almost all of us got Walking Dead gifts at Christmas (I received a Daryl throw lol) . When we went to visit family recently we all sat down to watch together (MIL, FIL, dh, me, SIL, BIL and even a couple of the kids stayed). But I wouldn't miss a party over it.

 

ETA: maybe some people see missing a live event akin to watching the ball drop in Times Square the day after New Year's lol. Not like it airs in real time for me, anyway.

*I cannot remember what was going on with me. I typed I was pregnant but looked up the date and don't think that was the case haha. But maybe they just aired too late at night for me?

Edited March 14, 2016 by heartlikealion

[maize]

Sadie, I agree with you 500%. People should come first, living, breathing people. My dh sacrificed our whole families' relationship with our ILs rather than give up two hours of the Super Bowl. OMG, my children paid for his selfishness through the nose. It was a similar issue and his family was hurt. It didn't matter that I came and brought the kids, him skipping really hurt his sister, and to be honest, I don't blame her. I could never change his mind, even with a time machine, but there are real consequences to putting media of any kind before people.

Your IL's take out their resentment of your husband's choices on your children?!?

 

I can understand his sister feeling hurt, but your husband is not responsible for his family's reaction. If people are that ready to take offense and hold onto resentment long term then something is going to set them off no matter how careful and accommodating you are.

 

I dunno guys, I admit to not understanding sports fanaticism and I certainly agree with the general principle of prioritizing relationships, but prioritizing relationships on my part needs to mean making allowances for the quirks of other people, accommodating and forgiving and leaving them room to be themselves.

Edited March 14, 2016 by maize

[brett_ashley]

People can spin it how they like. All I can say, having been on the receiving end of the choice to prioritize sport over child, is the message isn't benign. It says 'I value my (insert passion here) more than I value you'. That may not be the intention, but that's how it's received. Even very small children get the message.

 

Or the message could be, "The world does not revolve around you."  For the majority of children with otherwise healthy attachments, that's not an altogether bad thing.

[brett_ashley]

 Ugh.

 

We're talking about BIRTHDAYS.

 

A child is not spoiled or turned into a brat by a fuss over them on the anniversary of the day they were BORN.

 

I'm putting this one down to another one of those weird cultural differences between the US and the AU. Because otherwise I have no answer to the idea that a child's BIRTHDAY is an appropriate day to give the message that the world doesn't revolve around you.

 

I think it might be cultural.  Where I live, a kid is most likely to be a complete BRAT on his birthday.  Can you blame him?  Too much sugar, ridiculous parties that cost thousands of dollars, and an entire day or usually more (two days, one for his actual birthday and one for his party day) where he is dictator.  Not a healthy thing at all.  The new thing lately in one circle I'm in are favors that cost $10-15--more than I spend on the guest of honor!

 

It's also now a thing for even ADULTS to celebrate not only their birthday, but birthday week, and even birthday month!  It's not uncommon for adults at my husband's place of work to solicit cash from their coworkers by pinning money to their shirt on their birthday week.

[FaithManor]

I believe it is rude, in most instances, to ask the host to change the time and date of their event to accommodate one's schedule. I wouldn't be fuming over it. I'd just let them know politely that the time and date are set, and they are welcome to attend or not.

 

 

I think that is the crux of it. They made it rude by instead of rsvp with regrets, and letting it go. They asked everything to be turned upside down to accommodate a televised game. It may be that important to them, but to think it should be important enough to everyone else to upend a pre-planned, not spontaneous event is where the problem is.

 

The MIL is a bigger issue though. Good grief!

[maize]

Ugh.

 

We're talking about BIRTHDAYS.

 

A child is not spoiled or turned into a brat by a fuss over them on the anniversary of the day they were BORN.

 

I'm putting this one down to another one of those weird cultural differences between the US and the AU. Because otherwise I have no answer to the idea that a child's BIRTHDAY is an appropriate day to give the message that the world doesn't revolve around you.

Maybe it is more family than country culture.

 

In my family growing up, people might or might not remember to say "happy birthday" on your birthday and you were more than welcome to have a cake if you baked it yourself.

 

There wasn't anything negative around birthdays, they just were not big deals.

 

My kids don't get birthday parties. They don't even get birthday presents. They get dinner out with mom or dad to a restaurant of their choice, but even that doesn't often happen until weeks or months later.

 

They do get cake and ice cream :)

 

As far as I can tell they are not suffering from our failure to make a fuss over them (and you know me well enough to know my children's desires and interests do in fact take a high priority in my household.)

 

I am sorry for your family's negative experience, it sounds like there is a lot more background than one missed celebration :(

Edited March 14, 2016 by maize

[musicianmom]

I just have one question: Kentucky?

[BigMamaBird]

I just have one question: Kentucky?

 

No, a little farther north.  Think green.

[brett_ashley]

That's gross, and it's a parent problem, but I still wouldn't respond by using a child's birthday to deliver a moral lesson about not being the centre of the universe.

 

There's no delivery of ANY moral lesson or message!  The baby is twelve months old!  

 

My point in a broader sense was that the message (if there is one) is entirely dependent on the context of the guest's everyday relationship with the guest of honor.  

Edited March 14, 2016 by brett_ashley

[Anne in CA]

Whose fault is that, really? One event ruined your relationship forever? I think is an issue with your ILs. I had siblings not come to my wedding. Not a big deal. I still love my siblings.

 

ETA: My wedding was on a Vikings/Packers game night. I'm married a Minnesotan in MN. We watched a football game that night :) I don't even like football. I find it really funny instead of being bent out of shape.

 

Kelly

The relationship was stained already and my dh planned a Super Bowl party rather than to go his sister's event. DH DOES value football more than living breathing family members we have had other issues over it. People always are more important that media. An emotionally healthy person can find the dysfunctions of other amusing. And yes, putting sports ahead of family is dysfunctional. My SIL was 22 from a broken family and she was not the only person hurt. I KNEW that it would be this way, but DH loves his football.

 

I know lots of people wont agree with me, but the life you are IN is the one that is important, not the one where you WATCH others pursue their dreams. Those two things are just not equal no matter how long you have been a sports fan. No matter how much transference you have placed in your team. I don't expect everyone to agree with me or get it. That's okay.

Edited March 14, 2016 by Anne in CA

[creekland]

My kids don't get birthday parties. They don't even get birthday presents. They get dinner out with mom or dad to a restaurant of their choice, but even that doesn't often happen until weeks or months later.

 

They do get cake and ice cream 

 

My kids had a few years when we gave them parties - with peers, not extended family - and they were old enough to figure out which peers they wanted to invite.

 

Otherwise, they always got a day off from chores and they got to pick a meal out (lunch or supper) along with a favorite dessert - could be cake or pie.

 

On a handful of years they got to pick a family trip.

 

Guess which years they liked the best?  (Remembering it's my kids and junkie habits run in the family.)   :lol:

 

I'm pretty sure they learned it was a special day even without any extended family visiting for parties - ever.

 

Seriously folks, there is no single "right" way to raise kids.

 

There's no single "right" way to feel about sports either.

 

And I'd have never considered it rude to ask a family member if they could adjust a time to consider something important to me - or vice versa.  It'd be rude to ask a friend, but family?  Nothing has ever been off limits in our family and I like it that way.

[Anne in CA]

Your IL's take out their resentment of your husband's choices on your children?!?

 

I can understand his sister feeling hurt, but your husband is not responsible for his family's reaction. If people are that ready to take offense and hold onto resentment long term then something is going to set them off no matter how careful and accommodating you are.

 

I dunno guys, I admit to not understanding sports fanaticism and I certainly agree with the general principle of prioritizing relationships, but prioritizing relationships on my part needs to mean making allowances for the quirks of other people, accommodating and forgiving and leaving them room to be themselves.

The dynamics of an unhealthy family are complex. It would be charitable to say the my dh's family has an unhealthy side. But dh's family reached out an olive branch at Super Bowl weekend and DH chose the Super Bowl. They didn't do it on purpose, there was something very special happening that day that was not scheduled by them.

 

The OP's family is clearly not healthy either. I DO blame my dh for choosing a sporting event over his sister. It was not good. He had a history of choosing dumb stuff over his family  and the Super Bowl thing was the final straw. I think the OP will probably learn that her DH's family is not really going to be there for her, and she is going to develop relationships with people more functional. That is what happened with my dh and his siblings. They learned he would not chose them over dumb stuff and sports were a big part of that dumb stuff. The OP's nieces and nephews will learn that they take a back seat to the children of people who show up and are there for you. It is just reasonable. That's how life works.

[bolt.]

I wouldn't ask either family or friends to change my invitation to suit me. At *most* I would make a phone call to apologize for not being available, and kinda leave a pause in case they want to hop in with: "Oh, it's not written in stone yet. We could change to xyz if that works better."

 

I think my family is 'reserved' by nature (or nurture) I can't imagine being less polite than the level that is normal for friendships 'because it's family'. That would just feel like using a pretense of intimacy to excuse a lack of consideration for others. I've got to keep my family forever: if anything that means I apply more 'good manners' not less.

 

(Not criticizing other family styles where 'it's ok to ask' is an actual expression of real warmth... I'm sure it is, because people say it is, and I believe them. It just doesn't resonate with me.)

Edited March 14, 2016 by bolt.

[creekland]

(Not criticizing other family styles where 'it's ok to ask' is an actual expression of real warmth... I'm sure it is, because people say it is, and I believe them. It just doesn't resonate with me.)

 

I agree that families are different too.

 

Ours has just always been very open with pretty much everything.  My mom is one of 6 kids, so it's common for a bit of asking to go around before planning anything when they wanted most people to be able to show up.  Even then, if someone couldn't make it, it wasn't an issue.  Still, everyone tried to do their best to check around to see what dates/times would be acceptable.

 

Hubby and I got married out of state and we even checked around with people before setting the actual date and time.  We wanted something that would work for as many as possible.

 

It's just the way our family works.  We don't set dates/times then expect others to adjust.

 

Now my dad deciding not to come because my mom would be there is a totally different issue...

[eternalsummer]

I wouldn't ask either family or friends to change my invitation to suit me. At *most* I would make a phone call to apologize for not being available, and kinda leave a pause in case they want to hop in with: "Oh, it's not written in stone yet. We could change to xyz if that works better."

 

I think my family is 'reserved' by nature (or nurture) I can't imagine being less polite than the level that is normal for friendships 'because it's family'. That would just feel like using a pretense of intimacy to excuse a lack of cobsuseration for others. I've got to keep my family forever: if anything that means I apply more 'good manners' not less.

 

(Not criticizing other family styles where 'it's ok to ask' is an actual expression of real warmth... I'm sure it is, because people say it is, and I believe them. It just doesn't resonate with me.)

 

Ah, for us, it's the opposite.  Politeness is a function (for us) of separation - the more separated you are from someone, the more polite you have to be.  For people who are close in our family, excessive politeness (saying "thank you" too often or insisting on "please" all the time, for example) is, in a strange way, rude.

 

It sounds contradictory to type, but there it is.  If my sister had a once-a-year or once-in-10-years event she really really wanted to attend or watch (the same thing, essentially, imo) and I had scheduled my baby's birthday party for the same day, I'd be offended if she *didn't* let me know about the conflict and ask me if I could do it at a different time.  It would mean we weren't close enough to be upfront and honest with each other.

 

Also, in my family, for very small children's parties, the party is not for the child as much as it is for the invitees, so accommodating them (if possible) makes more sense than it does for say a pool party for a 10 year old.

[maize]

I agree that families are different too.

 

Ours has just always been very open with pretty much everything. My mom is one of 6 kids, so it's common for a bit of asking to go around before planning anything when they wanted most people to be able to show up. Even then, if someone couldn't make it, it wasn't an issue. Still, everyone tried to do their best to check around to see what dates/times would be acceptable.

 

Hubby and I got married out of state and we even checked around with people before setting the actual date and time. We wanted something that would work for as many as possible.

 

It's just the way our family works. We don't set dates/times then expect others to adjust.

 

Now my dad deciding not to come because my mom would be there is a totally different issue...

We changed our wedding date to accommodate family. I wanted to be married the same day as my parents and maternal grandparents, but that would have been inconvenient for some of my siblings so we chose a date one week later. I've never regretted that.

 

One of my siblings chose a wedding date that was extremely inconvenient for me and I ended up not attending. That was OK too.

Edited March 15, 2016 by maize

[fraidycat]

Ugh.

 

We're talking about BIRTHDAYS.

 

A child is not spoiled or turned into a brat by a fuss over them on the anniversary of the day they were BORN.

 

I'm putting this one down to another one of those weird cultural differences between the US and the AU. Because otherwise I have no answer to the idea that a child's BIRTHDAY is an appropriate day to give the message that the world doesn't revolve around you.

But you're equating a birthday with a vacation,so it's not just about a birthday party the child in question won't even know or remember. The idea of a week of FUN vacation to me is not the same as my kids' ideas, nor is it the same as my parents' ideas of what is fun. So, we try to compromise and share common elements, but not expect everyone to have the same level of enjoyment OR participation on everything.

 

I also don't expect grown adults to spend their down-time/vacation doing anything other than what is relaxing to them - unless they choose otherwise. If your FIL needed a week of zero expectations/responsibilities and staring at the tv screen for an event that only happens once every four years, then why is that wrong?

 

Many people are not good with kids and don't choose to spend their fun time with them. Maybe your MIL "made" him go on the vacation. Trust me - a vacation with someone else's children (besides my niece and nephew) would have me heading for the hills/locking myself in a room with a book or watching tv to "escape" reality in a red hot minute. I don't give a hoot who expects me to connect and interact with them repeatedly. I'm not wired that way. Expectations are just pre-planned disappointments. The fewer expectations you have of others, the better for your own overall sense of contentment in relationships. It's hard to be disappointed when everything is just a "bonus".

Edited March 15, 2016 by fraidycat

[LibraryLover]

I don't even like football, but I would never plan a party that wasn't a SB party on SB Sunday. That's just inviting trouble. 

 

A poster recently asked if planning a party on Good Friday was an issue. It was. A party during March Madness start times that is not a basketball party is just as risky, imo,  depending on your area/friends.

 

:leaving:

Edited March 15, 2016 by LibraryLover

[eternalsummer]

 

Many people are not good with kids and don't choose to spend their fun time with them. Maybe your MIL "made" him go on the vacation. Trust me - a vacation with someone else's children (besides my niece and nephew) would have me heading for the hills/locking myself in a room with a book or watching tv to "escape" reality in a red hot minute. 

 

I admit that this happens to me on vacations with my *own* kids (whom I love!)  Too much go go go and the stress of interaction with all the people I don't know during travel and a new place and generally you're stuck in a smaller area than usual with kids who want to go go go...blah.  Luckily DH is happy to take them off on short adventures while I stay in the cabin with the littlest ones and read a book :)

 

My ideal vacation would be something like a maternity stay at a hospital, but without the nurses and with better food.  Just stay in my room, have people bring me food and do my laundry and take my kids out to all the things they want to do, and I can join them in some exciting activity for about 2 hours a day.

[fraidycat]

I admit that this happens to me on vacations with my *own* kids (whom I love!) Too much go go go and the stress of interaction with all the people I don't know during travel and a new place and generally you're stuck in a smaller area than usual with kids who want to go go go...blah. Luckily DH is happy to take them off on short adventures while I stay in the cabin with the littlest ones and read a book :)

 

My ideal vacation would be something like a maternity stay at a hospital, but without the nurses and with better food. Just stay in my room, have people bring me food and do my laundry and take my kids out to all the things they want to do, and I can join them in some exciting activity for about 2 hours a day.

Exactly. I absolutely adore my own kids and my niece and nephew. But spending a whole vacation entertaining them is not my idea of fun. Luckily they are ten and up now, so are way more fun to be around in general and vacation with in particular. I still wouldn't want to vacation with any of my friends' kids. Love them. In small doses. :D

 

ETA: My DH just came home, gathered up the kids and left to take them to the movie and for pizza pie and probably dessert pie for Pi Day. I get to stay home and enjoy quiet. Family fun for everyone - and a win all around. :) Sometimes I go with them, sometimes I don't. We all enjoy ourselves either way.

Edited March 15, 2016 by fraidycat

[heartlikealion]

I think it might be cultural.  Where I live, a kid is most likely to be a complete BRAT on his birthday.  Can you blame him?  Too much sugar, ridiculous parties that cost thousands of dollars, and an entire day or usually more (two days, one for his actual birthday and one for his party day) where he is dictator.  Not a healthy thing at all.  The new thing lately in one circle I'm in are favors that cost $10-15--more than I spend on the guest of honor!

 

It's also now a thing for even ADULTS to celebrate not only their birthday, but birthday week, and even birthday month!  It's not uncommon for adults at my husband's place of work to solicit cash from their coworkers by pinning money to their shirt on their birthday week.

 

$15 favors. :svengo:

 

[FaithManor]

Btdt, for 19 years.

 

More fool me. 

 

The accommodation of quirks needs to be two way. For example, the OP's family could have accepted that having a first birthday party  for a child who won't remember it for the sake of a sister who doesn't 'get' sport is something they could accept and accommodate.

 

Or my FIL could have accommodated my quirky wish that he actually get to know his grandchildren as people, not as things to be quiet while he watched the Olympics.

 

In my experience, the type of people who think a sports event on TV is so important other things can go to hell, aren't the type to be involved in mutual allowance making.

 

Wow. I guess I have unresolved feelings on this one!

I get it. I have a friend whose FIL is angry with her because she stopped bringing the children over at Thanksgiving. They were required to be silent as the grave, as in he would be screaming and yelling his ever loving head off, if they made so much as a sneeze during the annual Detroit Lions Thanksgiving Day game. He wouldn't come to the table and eat dinner if the game had started either, and expected people to sit at the table and eat silently so his game wouldn't be interrupted.

 

Wouldn't take my kids over for that either.

 

And ya, he didn't feel the need to accommodate anyone for any reason. Everything was a one way street with him.

[Katy]

Ugh.  Some things are true, and some things are factual.  Some people prefer being direct to the point of being incredibly rude and destroying relationships, and some people prefer finesse and diplomacy.

 

I vary, but generally find that a fib - confusion and pretending to assume a person cannot possibly be intending to be as rude as they so obviously are being, if only to make them realize they are being impossibly rude, or in a different scenario gently teasing a person for bad behavior is MUCH more effective at changing a person's bad behavior than confronting them, lecturing, or worse, being self-righteous. Mostly, because if you gently help someone realizing they are behaving badly without bullying them about it, you are much less likely to burn that bridge, you can remain friends, and you still establish the boundary that it's not acceptable to treat you that way.

 

Personally I'm not sure the game in the background thing is such a huge deal with family, but the OP does think it's rude, and it's HER relationship to preserve or destroy, not ours.

[FaithManor]

And again, I think that the faux pas here was that they asked for the date to be changed. it is their business, theirs only, why they miss the event. It was wrong to ask the OP to change the date for a televised sporting event. The courteous, non rude, thing to do is simply express regrets that you are otherwise engaged and will not be able to attend.

 

 

[importswim]

musicianmom, on 14 Mar 2016 - 6:02 PM, said:

I just have one question: Kentucky?

Ha ha ha! I *liked* this because Kentucky is the team I thought of as well. Of course, we're HUGE wildcats fans in this house so now you understand my previous statements. :coolgleamA:  :rofl:

[importswim]

BigMamaBird, on 14 Mar 2016 - 6:07 PM, said:

No, a little farther north.  Think green.

If it's Michigan State then my DH has them going to the championship game and winning...so... :P (J/K)

 

It sounds like the family themselves are jerks and incredibly selfish even when it doesn't revolve around sports. I hope that your DD has a fabulous day and that you and your husband get to enjoy it in peace!

[eternalsummer]

And again, I think that the faux pas here was that they asked for the date to be changed. it is their business, theirs only, why they miss the event. It was wrong to ask the OP to change the date for a televised sporting event. The courteous, non rude, thing to do is simply express regrets that you are otherwise engaged and will not be able to attend.

 

This is obviously true to the OP (who was offended at being asked) and to some posters here; to other posters here (and obviously to the OP's in-laws, who did ask), asking to change the date is not a faux pas and is in fact expected behavior with family.

 

For me and my family, the faux pas would be if a relative just expressed regrets instead of making an attempt to see if our plans were flexible enough to accommodate their other event.

[SKL]

I agree that people and relationships are more important than televised sports.

 

What that has to do with a 1st birthday party, I don't know.

 

It is more important to be involved in a child's life when there are real things you can do together.  Memories you can make together.  When my oldest niece was in primary school, I did weekends and camping trips with her.  That was a lot more important than whether I attended her 1st birthday (which I'm sure I did, though I don't have any memory of it).

[Jyhwkmama]

Ok. I waited until my kids were in bed to finally respond to this.

 

Anyone can tell from my screen name and avatar how I feel about March Madness. I am even super cleaning my house, furiously doing and putting away all laundry, and precooking food over the next two days just so that I can watch all day Thursday and Friday without the kids (older) needing something.

 

I live for March.

 

I know there is some bad history between you and your in laws and I can see how that is definitely shading your view.  With that in consideration here is my take:

 

• It was rude of your SIL to ask you to move the time of the party. The world does not revolve around her family.
• It is absolutely fine if she says "we will be unable to make it" in a nice way. I would even say it would not be rude for her to say "what is the latest date you need a headcount by because if my team does not make it to the final game we might be able to come" as long as she is cheerfully able to accept and comply with your answer.
• If you had better family relations, I do not think it is rude if she asks if the game could be on a small TV not in the main entertainment area on mute so that she can see some of it. I have asked for this at friends' parties and have been cheerfully accommodated. Again, if you say no, she should not express displeasure. I would not have asked in the first place in her situation because of the strained relationship. Is she bad at reading people?
• It is absolutely not ok for you to judge the location of her child's party. You are free to decline if you do not want to attend.

 

Rock Chalk Jayhawk Go KU!

[eternalsummer]

 

Rock Chalk Jayhawk Go KU!

 

Now this is a post with which I can agree :) 

[LibraryLover]

Is the party here?  This is a national chain that is sort of a sport's bar, although more of an arcade.  It's not for everyone, but it's not a bad thing, and very popular with some.  I've never held a party here for my own children, but I've attended a child party here.  It was loud, for sure. :)   "Eat & Drink"  "Play Games"  "Watch Sports"  "Parties & Events"

 

https://www.daveandbusters.com/kids-birthdays

 

Edited March 15, 2016 by LibraryLover

[creekland]

And again, I think that the faux pas here was that they asked for the date to be changed. it is their business, theirs only, why they miss the event. It was wrong to ask the OP to change the date for a televised sporting event. The courteous, non rude, thing to do is simply express regrets that you are otherwise engaged and will not be able to attend.

 

Rude for one subset of families.  Perfectly normal and expected for others (like mine).

 

This is why I personally think the whole issue (back story and all) is merely two different cultures clashing with each knowing they are THE correct one.

 

In reality, neither is correct or incorrect.  They are just different.  We all have our preferences as to which one we're in, of course.  I have to admit, I definitely prefer mine where people don't get upset, but rather try to work with everyone for mutual benefit.

 

This is obviously true to the OP (who was offended at being asked) and to some posters here; to other posters here (and obviously to the OP's in-laws, who did ask), asking to change the date is not a faux pas and is in fact expected behavior with family.

 

For me and my family, the faux pas would be if a relative just expressed regrets instead of making an attempt to see if our plans were flexible enough to accommodate their other event.

 

Same here.  You certainly aren't the only one.  I actually think we're the more common group, but probably not among homeschoolers based upon what I'm reading here.  At the lunch table I generally eat at at school, it's common for folks to mention checking with family for dates for things.  Many of us have teens or grown children.  If we want everyone there - or as many as we can get - we need to check schedules.

 

With my neighbors, it's super common too.

 

But maybe that's just the circle I align myself with.

 

Sometimes I read things on the Hive and wonder where people live.  I find things I never knew existed.  This is one of those times.