JAWM. Death/Inheritance/Vultures (Vent)

[Plateau Mama]

When someone dies why do people think they are owed anything? Why? I don't care how much your parents have, it does not belong to you, nor are you owed it when they pass away!

 

My grandfather recently passed away. His children are like vultures. His poor wife is so upset by their behavior and she is terrified of what they will do when they finally find out what they are (or in one case aren't) inheriting.

 

One of them told her it belongs to him and he wants it. Umm seriously. Your mother has been gone 27 years, don't you think if your dad wanted you to have her things he would have given it to you before now?

Edited March 9, 2016 by Plateau Mama

[Guest]

Amen!! I have never looked at what my parents have as mine some day. I don't get it.

[Carol in Cal.]

My apologies.  I believe that my original post in this space violated the JAWM thread header.

Edited March 9, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[Arcadia]

:grouphug:

My paternal cousins behaved the same way over my late aunt's million dollar home. When they think she was dying, they move their kids in to squat on the house so as to try to claim the whole house.

 

ETA:

A cousin contested his mom's will because he want everything (house, cash ...) instead of splitting equally among all three kids. 1/3 of the estate wasn't a bad deal as he "ran away" from helping when my late aunt needed help.

Edited March 9, 2016 by Arcadia

[OhanaBee]

We witnessed this over the summer when dh's grandma passed away.  One side of the family was totally paranoid that we would "get everything" and so cleaned out Grandma's house of valuables before we arrived.  The will specifically stated a few things that went to specific people, then asked that everything else be liquidated.  Fortunately, our side has no use for silver or fancy jewelry, though I suspect my mother-in-law would have liked to have one of her Mom's pearl sets.

 

We came home with Grandma's cross stitch pictures, handmade dishtowels, and various bits of Tupperware. :hurray:

 

There is one thing at my parents' house that I do expect.  Mom has said it will be mine someday, from the time I was very little.  I have asked her to please put it in the will.  But if we get to that day and it's no longer there or another family member wants it more.......I don't care.  It's not worth what I saw this summer.

[Plateau Mama]

My father has always lived on the premise that he doesn't need to save because when his dad dies he will get a large inheritance. I always told him that his fathers $$ was his father's to do whatever with and he shouldn't count on a penny. He laughed and told me I was crazy to think that way and that I didn't understand just how much we were talking about. Well he's not gonna be laughing soon.

 

When my grandmother died her will gave everything to charity if my grandfather wasn't alive. Everything. The kids would not have gotten a penny had she died last. My grandfather never showed them that will because he didn't want their last memory of her to be that.

 

I just feel bad that his "new" wife (of 26 years) has to deal with it.

[Murphy101]

This is why I have told my dh and our kids point blank that if they have any brains at all, they won't tell a soul on my side of the family I'm even dead until well after the funeral. If it takes my family 4 months after I die to ask about me, then so be it. And for that matter, I'm okay with them saying I'm out buying groceries.

 

I swore when my mother died and grandparents died that no big funeral attendance or tenuous biological connection was worth that crazy crap at a time of mourning.

[Plateau Mama]

:grouphug:

My paternal cousins behaved the same way over my late aunt's million dollar home. When they think she was dying, they move their kids in to squat on the house so as to try to claim the whole house.

 

ETA:

A cousin contested his mom's will because he want everything (house, cash ...) instead of splitting equally among all three kids. 1/3 of the estate wasn't a bad deal as he "ran away" from helping when my late aunt needed help.

One of the children's spouses told his wife "You don't need to worry, you can stay in the house for 6 weeks after he dies." She responded with "what do you mean, the house is in my name". To which the spouse said "How did you manage that?" And she said "You don't think I'm stupid, do you?"

[Arcadia]

Fortunately, our side has no use for silver or fancy jewelry, though I suspect my mother-in-law would have liked to have one of her Mom's pearl sets.

...

There is one thing at my parents' house that I do expect. Mom has said it will be mine someday, from the time I was very little.

My mom asked me to choose anything I wanted which belongs to her and just take it. She was worried that if she hold it for me and my SIL happen to see and like it, things can get awkward.

[zoobie]

Second marriages complicate it too. DH's grandfather, a widower, married a widow. They were married 12 years before she passed away, and her kids wanted him out of "their" house in like 48 hours. It was crazy! He had a house of his own (she wanted to live in hers, and he rented his out) and a mountain cabin, but let the man grieve a bit before shuffling him out the door. We told him to make them evict. He had to move in with his son until the lease ended at his house. Awful people.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: If the kids have keys to the house, she might want to get the locks changed in case the ingrates help themselves while she's at the grocery store. (The real grocery, not Martha's grocery hereinafter :rofl: )

[medawyn]

My MIL has this attitude, especially the "owe" part.  It baffles me.  I am owed nothing of someone else's hard work.  The way I figure it, my parents put a lot of time and effort and money into raising me; if anyone owes anything, it's probably me.

 

Not that it was any of her business, but she was horrified when my grandfather died a few years ago and his entire estate went to charity.  Didn't I feel cheated??? Um, no?  I had 31 years of wonderful memories, and I'm thrilled he was able to live the end of his life in enough financial comfort to pass something on to causes he felt were important.  My MIL is definitely banking on her parents/in laws leaving them money, because, you know, she is "owed" it.

 

In other awkward conversations, she routinely comments how unfair it is that she and FIL had to pay all their own children's college expenses, when one of her BIL's parents left a trust fund to help pay for his kids' college education.  She was unimpressed when I - after several versions of this conversation - attempted to point out that (a) having children is, in part, a financial responsibility and no one is required to help you out and (b) those kids grew up without their grandparents, and that BIL lost his parents at a relatively young age.  I don't imagine he thinks the money was exactly a fair trade.  She persists in the belief that my parents are wealthy and will be paying my children's college education.  My parents are financially comfortable, but there is NO WAY they would fund an education for MY children; they funded my education, which was generous enough! Again, she thinks I should feel cheated, because I must be "owed" that money.

 

It's an attitude that absolutely baffles me.

 

On the flip side, my maternal grandmother passed away in February.  None of her 8 children has made any fuss about what they are - or aren't - getting, and everyone has been moved to tears by the few allocations she did make.  In fact, her daughters' gave the two necklaces my grandmother always wore to the two SIL's that lived locally and were such amazing pillars of support during the last few years.  It's been beautiful to watch.

[mamajag]

This is why our wills leave everything to surviving spouse. Everything.

[3 ladybugs]

I am sorry for your loss. 

 

I am terrified over this with my ex-step father (Dad #2). He has some money and his daughter (only child) would sell her mother for money. In fact she almost sued the her mother's boyfriend when she died for money. And her mother died penniless and at the mercy of her boyfriend (who had the money)! :( I told my dad #2 years ago that I didn't care what he does with his estate, I just want to make sure that he has the money going where HE wants it to go. He has all but disowned his daughter and he told me that his niece and I will get most of the estate. I am not sure if that is still the case, but if it is, I am sure we are going to be in for a fight. The good news is both my "cousin" and I don't trust his daughter further then we can throw her. 

 

I think families really should look at things like this more closely. Un-contestable wills can be drafted. I just wish more people would do that before the death or serious illness occurs. :(

[Melissa in Australia]

We are watching this unfold with parents in laws. they are in their 90s. It is unbelievable. one daughter feels as she has been living way beyond her means for years and is way in debt should get more than everyone else as she needs it more?? She has bullied her parents to not move into a nursing home as that would use up some of the assets. She even does unbelievable things like cook a meal for her own parents, bring it around, then tell them they owe her $30 for the ingredients. :huh:

Edited March 9, 2016 by Melissa in Australia

[gardenmom5]

When someone dies why do people think they are owed anything? Why? I don't care how much your parents have, it does not belong to you, nor are you owed it when they pass away!

 

My grandfather recently passed away. His children are like vultures. His poor wife is so upset by their behavior and she is terrified of what they will do when they finally find out what they are (or in one case aren't) inheriting.

 

One of them told her it belongs to him and he wants it. Umm seriously. Your mother has been gone 27 years, don't you think if your dad wanted you to have her things he would have given it to you before now?

 

Oh, I hear you.  . .. . deleted for privacy . . . .

 

then after my mother died . . . . . . . . deleted for privacy . . . .

 

No one is owed anything. (except actual creditors).  it is the person's money belongings to do with as they please.  (minor children, dependent spouse, etc. should be provided for.)

 

I've been contemplating taking my ___ to lunch  . ...deleted for privacy . . . .

 

now, I'm asking myself "why?" . . . I'm feeling like a schmuck.

Edited March 9, 2016 by gardenmom5

[PrairieSong]

You are absolutely right. A person can leave their worldly goods to anyone they choose, including their favorite charity. If I had kids or other family members acting greedy about it, I'd be very tempted not to leave them a cent. Fortunately we haven't had this problem in my family or dh's family.

[Plateau Mama]

To address a few things that have been said.

 

There is a will that specifically listed all valuables the kids were to get. Said valuables are in a safe deposit box at the bank and the trustees have verified what is in the box. Current wife was given the opportunity to have anything in safe deposit box but she didn't feel right wearing first wife's Jewlery. All money was placed in a trust upon his death and current wife lives off the interest until her death.

 

Nothing was promised to anyone. Nothing was being held because of lack of space etc.

 

The second wife was married almost as long as first wife 26 yrs vs 28 yrs)

 

The current wife asked anyone if there was anything they wanted and if it wasn't listed specifically in the will she was happy to give to them if it wasn't hers. One child is insisting the house and everything in it is his. I asked for one piece of Jewlery that probably has little value. My daughter asked for something that has no value but will bring her great joy. Something that wife would just have boxed up and sent to goodwill. Wife has bent over backwards to find things for me even though I keep telling her I expect nothing.

 

The kids don't live locally. They don't have keys. One hasn't been allowed to stay at the house for years because every time they do valuables or random items are stolen. (Whatever they happen to find while snooping.). The kids had very little to do with their father since their mother died but now they are calling daily demanding things. It is putting so much stress on the wife that her cardiologist told her to block their numbers and not take their calls anymore.

[G5052]

Always considerable drama, always. I admire the estate lawyers and trust officers that I've had to hire over the years to handle various relative's estates, but honestly I don't how they do that for a living.

 

That's on my list of careers I would NEVER consider. Arguing and arguing and they're in the middle, and then they have to go to court before a judge too.

 

Every one I've been involved in is like a reality show.

[3 ladybugs]

Can she get a security guard or a home alarm system or something? How awful for her! I think she definitely needs to contact the police. Even if she can't press charges, just to let them know what is going on. No one deserves to live in fear like that! 

[Plateau Mama]

I think families really should look at things like this more closely. Un-contestable wills can be drafted. I just wish more people would do that before the death or serious illness occurs. :(

My grandfather had the best lawyers. I'm sure his will is incontestable but I'm sure they will try. I know he just rewrote it a few months before his death to write out a child. He wanted to leave them nothing but the lawyer told him he had to leave something so he couldn't claim he was forgotten. He also left the lawyers with a stack of papers showing why the child didn't get much.

[Halftime Hope]

Yep, we saw some really funky stuff related to money when the older generation on one side of the family passed on.  Siblings fighting siblings, spouses of siblings getting involved as though they were a sibling, etc. 

 

[Edited:  too much family detail]

 

I've told my brother who is caring for my parents that I only want one thing; for our relationship as brother and sister (we only have each other) to be intact.

 

 

Edited March 9, 2016 by Halftime Hope

[Plateau Mama]

Can she get a security guard or a home alarm system or something? How awful for her! I think she definitely needs to contact the police. Even if she can't press charges, just to let them know what is going on. No one deserves to live in fear like that!

She does have an alarm. She is working on.getting the house ready to sell. (It is way too big for her alone.) She is planning on moving out of state. She has only told her son and me where she is going. She is not going to tell any of the children where she is going.

[PrairieSong]

My grandfather had the best lawyers. I'm sure his will is incontestable but I'm sure they will try. I know he just rewrote it a few months before his death to write out a child. He wanted to leave them nothing but the lawyer told him he had to leave something so he couldn't claim he was forgotten. He also left the lawyers with a stack of papers showing why the child didn't get much.

A relative of mine had an estranged son who disappeared for decades to avoid some legal trouble. She finally did connect with him and talked to him..mainly to his wife and children..once in a while on the phone but he never wanted much to do with her. She left him "her good wishes" in her will.

[gardenmom5]

 

 

There is one thing at my parents' house that I do expect.  Mom has said it will be mine someday, from the time I was very little.  I have asked her to please put it in the will.  But if we get to that day and it's no longer there or another family member wants it more.......I don't care.  It's not worth what I saw this summer.

 

the one thing of my mother's I loved and adored and wanted when I was a child - was the thoren's music box my father gave to her as a wedding present. I used to go into her room and play it over and over.  eventually, she gave it to me.  (I didn't ask, I didn't bring it up, I don't think we'd even discussed it for years. I was surprised.) 

 .  . 

deleted for privacy concerns . . . .

 

 

anyway - if there is something your mother really wants to give you - have her give it to you now (unless she uses it) - then she will know you have it and it should bypass most of the drama.

Edited March 9, 2016 by gardenmom5

[PrairieSong]

She does have an alarm. She is working on.getting the house ready to sell. (It is way too big for her alone.) She is planning on moving out of state. She has only told her son and me where she is going. She is not going to tell any of the children where she is going.

That is sad that she feels like she can't even tell the others where she is moving!! I don't blame her though, if she feels that threatened.

[gardenmom5]

A relative of mine had an estranged son who disappeared for decades to avoid some legal trouble. She finally did connect with him and talked to him..mainly to his wife and children..once in a while on the phone but he never wanted much to do with her. She left him "her good wishes" in her will.

 

or as miss manners describes in the reading of the will :

cousin atherton - you may rest assured I remember everything you have ever done for me. . . . . .

[Murphy101]

I second that advice. If someone wants to be sure their items are given to who they want to receive it - do it while they are alive.

 

Really it's the only way to reasonably be sure.

 

Even a will doesn't mean much. It can say dear so and so should get the silver, but if someone else gets it first? *shrug* Unless they go to court there isn't much to do about it. And even then proof can be hard. I have a relative who is a hoarder. So she will literally go to the trouble to break into a dying person's home and take stuff so she can ... Box it away to never be seen again. Nutters. Smh

[Tsuga]

When someone dies why do people think they are owed anything? Why? I don't care how much your parents have, it does not belong to you, nor are you owed it when they pass away!

 

My grandfather recently passed away. His children are like vultures. His poor wife is so upset by their behavior and she is terrified of what they will do when they finally find out what they are (or in one case aren't) inheriting.

 

One of them told her it belongs to him and he wants it. Umm seriously. Your mother has been gone 27 years, don't you think if your dad wanted you to have her things he would have given it to you before now?

 

That's disgusting and I am sorry to hear you have to deal with that. When my grandparents died, my dad (whom I have posted about before, he has ISSUES that are just--all the issues you can have without being committed or in prison, he has them) went after the money. We said my aunt could have it (my sister and I) but my dad intimidated her into giving him "his half". He literally broke their hearts, trashed their house, etc. etc. but he was upset not being in the will. Like he was intentionally left out, and my sister and I were in it. I'd have NEVER given it to her if I'd have thought it would go to him but oh well. Honestly? Whatever. Let him have money. We all have our peace.

 

I hope that you are able to provide some comfort to his wife during this time.

[pinkmint]

Yes, I have one close family member who is so impatient for a certain elderly relative to die that they complain of wanting what's coming to them now because it's taking too long. It's sickening.  

 

I would love to pay off debts etc. but being grabby for money connected to a person's passing ... there is nothing worth that kind of tacky, entitled, crazed behavior. I said I want old photographs when this person passes and that's the truth. And if I don't get those that's ok too. 

[ikslo]

I remember all of my maternal grandmother's boys talking about how my grandmother was "spending their inheritance" before she died. It made me feel bad one time since she had just paid for my sister and me to fly overseas after I graduated high school.

 

After she died, I saw WHY she spent it all when she had the chance.

 

(I was thankful for the opportunity she had afforded me, and it was more than enough to remember her by.)

[Plateau Mama]

.

Even a will doesn't mean much. It can say dear so and so should get the silver, but if someone else gets it first? *shrug* Unless they go to court there isn't much to do about it. And even then proof can be hard. I have a relative who is a hoarder. So she will literally go to the trouble to break into a dying person's home and take stuff so she can ... Box it away to never be seen again. Nutters. Smh

 

So true. My MIL is always talking about what do we want in the will etc. in reality it doesn't matter. We live 3000 miles away. BIL lives 10 minutes away. The only stuff that will be left is what he can't move by the time we get there.  

I remember all of my maternal grandmother's boys talking about how my grandmother was "spending their inheritance" before she died. It made me feel bad one time since she had just paid for my sister and me to fly overseas after I graduated high school.

After she died, I saw WHY she spent it all when she had the chance.

(I was thankful for the opportunity she had afforded me, and it was more than enough to remember her by.)

. My grandfather gave away a large and I mean large amounts of $$ to 2 charities very dear to his heart. I don't think his kids really understand just how much he gave away.

[momof4babes]

I had the opposite issue.

For years, my Grandmother liked to go on about the life insurance money she was leaving each of the grandchildren. I was always extremely awkward. We just wanted to spend time with her.

We were all very glad when she could no longer maintain it, and gave up the policy. Though cousins on the other side of the family would be unaware of this fact. It should be interesting.

 

I can't even begin to imagine being entitled to anything I have not worked for. The same Grabdmother has a son that only came to see her when he thought she might be dying.

 

Upon discovering that she would make a good recovery, he had the audacity to ask her to take a loan against her home for him!

[bolt.]

Ok, help a reasonable gal out: I have parents. They have money. I don't think they "owe" it to me or my brother, but I have every reason to hold the general expectation (what I think will happen) that we-two, plus my children will stand to inherit when the time comes. (Meaning when the 2nd of them passes away. It's '100% spouse' if/when only one of them passes.)

 

I also have been told to expect the inheritance between my brother and I to be somewhat uneven in my favour: with an explaination of why.

 

I have also received considerable gifts from them under the premise that 'I'm inheriting it eventually anyways' so they'd rather see/enjoy the gift, and it saves on taxes. Plus they are saving for my kids' educations too (saves on taxes).

 

Regarding all this, I feel *lucky* -- not entitled. But, on the other hand, I do realistically predict that (a significant portion) of this (probably large) inheritance will most likely become my money eventually. I see myself as an heir, unless something changes drastically in the meantime.

 

Am I all crummy and unethical? Entitled and selfish? How can I do better? I've never done it before (obviously).

 

(Also, not impatient. I still have living grandparents, and I quite like my parents alive too -- no rush here.)

Edited March 9, 2016 by bolt.

[Joker]

I've seen it get ugly and it disgusts me.

 

I do wish all involved always considered all feelings, though. When my grandfather died, his wife of ten years kept many things of my grandmother's. Many of those things were from her mother's family. Many of those things were from my own father who had passed away a few years prior. It really hurt that she felt compelled to keep things that were never supposed to be hers and were, in fact, a gift from my father to his mother. There were things (not money, homes, cars, etc.) that I and my siblings would have liked to have today. There were even pictures we no longer have. My grandfather wasn't the nicest person and this was his way of sticking it to his only child and his grandchildren. It honestly wasn't about what my grandfather wanted us to have, as that what nothing, but we knew what my grandmother wanted us to have and we knew what the decent thing to do was. 

[ikslo]

No, bolt, absolutely not. What we are talking about is assumptions that the money should be yours, or the loved one who is dying has no right to spend it or leave it to who they see fit. Your brother, for instance, contesting the will to get "an even amount" or more. That's the attitude I think we're talking about. Kicking a someone out of their home. Talking poorly of their parents for spending too much now because they will end up with less inheritance. That sort of thing.

[BrittanyM]

*Accidental post*

Edited March 9, 2016 by BrittanyM

[medawyn]

Ok, help a reasonable gal out: I have parents. They have money. I don't think they "owe" it to me or my brother, but I have every reason to hold the general expectation (what I think will happen) that we-two, plus my children will stand to inherit when the time comes. (Meaning when the 2nd of them passes away. It's '100% spouse' if/when only one of them passes.)

 

I also have been told to expect the inheritance between my brother and I to be somewhat uneven in my favour: with an explaination of why.

 

I have also received considerable gifts from them under the premise that 'I'm inheriting it eventually anyways' so they'd rather see/enjoy the gift, and it saves on taxes. Plus they are saving for my kids' educations too (saves on taxes).

 

Regarding all this, I feel *lucky* -- not entitled. But, on the other hand, I do realistically predict that (a significant portion) of this (probably large) inheritance will most likely become my money eventually. I see myself as an heir, unless something changes drastically in the meantime.

 

Am I all crummy and unethical? Entitled and selfish? How can I do better? I've never done it before (obviously).

 

(Also, not impatient. I still have living grandparents, and I quite like my parents alive too -- no rush here.)

I think the difference is in the attitude. You have been told by your parents that you will inherit this money; this is their desire. Do you badger them about it? Feel like you are owed it? Would you be horribly upset if they - for some reason - changed their minds? Would you resent them if end- of-life illness absorbed a large portion of their estate? Are you irritated if they take nice vacations or otherwise spend "your" money? Do you live now like you are already in possession of said money?

 

These are all attitudes I've seen in relatives/in laws who are "owed" their inheritance.

 

FWIW, my grandfather had a fairly large estate at his passing compared to many. He left each of his grandchildren $5,000, although he certainly had means to leave significantly more. His instructions were to "have fun" with the money. He did not believe in leaving a large inheritance to grands, bc he thought we would value what we have more if we earn it. He talked a lot about that in his life. Similarly, my parents paid my college education in full and made my brother and I some nice financial gifts in our early careers to take advantage of opportunities we might not otherwise have been able to. I'm very grateful. They have the means to do more, but both feel that their responsibility was to provide a foundation and let us choose what to do with it. My dad has made clear that the bulk of his estate will go to charity (after my step-mom passes also). My mom is still deciding. I hope we have a very long time before we have to worry about her estate.

 

This is another reason my MIL's "I'm owed" attitude confuses me. She retired last year; my FIL can retire when he wishes (he enjoys his job). Three of their four parents are still alive. I think it would be very poor financial planning to assume you are going to inherit money when you could be past retirement age when such an event occurs. I'd hate to put my eggs in that shaky basket, without even considering the icky feeling of waiting for someone to die do you can get what's "owed".

 

All that to say, if DH's grandparents (or my mother, or his parents - whomever) decide to leave money to us, I will be grateful. But the decision would be 100% theirs, not something I expect, ask for, or feel is somehow deserved simply because my in laws chose to procreate. Nor would I particularly care if someone else was to receive more than we did - whatever the reason might be.

[DesertBlossom]

Dh has a relative that after his father died, moved his family into his mother's home and declared it was now his. He "inhereted it." His mother moved out to the garage and eventually out of the house completely but was still paying the bills. She should have stood up to him. But it's hard to believe anyone could be so selfish. Really disgusting.

Edited March 9, 2016 by DesertBlossom

[Tsuga]

Ok, help a reasonable gal out: I have parents. They have money. I don't think they "owe" it to me or my brother, but I have every reason to hold the general expectation (what I think will happen) that we-two, plus my children will stand to inherit when the time comes. (Meaning when the 2nd of them passes away. It's '100% spouse' if/when only one of them passes.)

 

I also have been told to expect the inheritance between my brother and I to be somewhat uneven in my favour: with an explaination of why.

 

I have also received considerable gifts from them under the premise that 'I'm inheriting it eventually anyways' so they'd rather see/enjoy the gift, and it saves on taxes. Plus they are saving for my kids' educations too (saves on taxes).

 

Regarding all this, I feel *lucky* -- not entitled. But, on the other hand, I do realistically predict that (a significant portion) of this (probably large) inheritance will most likely become my money eventually. I see myself as an heir, unless something changes drastically in the meantime.

 

Am I all crummy and unethical? Entitled and selfish? How can I do better? I've never done it before (obviously).

 

(Also, not impatient. I still have living grandparents, and I quite like my parents alive too -- no rush here.)

 

Predicting is not the same as being grabby when the time comes.

 

That said, I have no idea what I would get when my parents pass away--dad probably nothing, mom likely nothing too as I'm more likely to help her into old age. I wouldn't count on anything. I mean if someone asked me to guess I'd venture a number but I am not making plans, you know?

 

Of course I will accept gifts gratefully.

[Plateau Mama]

 

Am I all crummy and unethical? Entitled and selfish? How can I do better? I've never done it before (obviously).

 

(Also, not impatient. I still have living grandparents, and I quite like my parents alive too -- no rush here.)

The difference is your parents have told you their wishes/plans. It sounds like you wouldn't be upset if the money wasn't what it turned out to be.

 

It's not ok to say it's mine and I want it now.

It's not ok to tell the spouse, before the parent dies she will have to vacate her home of 26 years in 6 weeks and pretend that's generous.

It's not ok not to plan for the future because you will be getting $$ when so and so dies.

It is not ok to call the surviving spouse and say it's taking too long and you deserve more.

It's not ok to hound the executor of the will on a daily basis.

It's not ok to come to the deceased's house before the funeral and start casing the house asking for things.

It's not ok to ignore the parent for years and then expect a large inheritance.

It's not ok to only call the parent when you need money.

 

The difference is all in the attitude.

[StephanieZ]

I agree completely about the disgustingness of the entitled attitudes as well as how tragically common it is.

 

That said, I plan to leave whatever we have to our kids +/- grandkids if we live long enough to know them. My parents did likewise, and so have everyone else in my family. Now, my mom was the first of my family to die leaving any substantial assets behind, so we're not a long line of wealth-accumulators, lol, but the general attitude of my extended family is that we take care of each other (up generations and down generations), and I can't imagine not wanting to leave my kids any wealth I can manage to accumulate before I drop. I mean, if I didn't think wealth mattered, then I'd give it away now, right? So, I accumulate it and hold on to it into my old age . . . but then I don't think I should leave it to my kids? Why not? Why wouldn't I want to make their lives a bit easier? To allow them to slow down a bit sooner than I could . . . to allow them to spoil their own grandkids a bit more than I could . . . I guess it's hard for me to understand that mentality. 

 

Now, if we were talking many millions of dollars, then, sure I could see contributing much of it to charity or spreading the wealth in other ways, but if we're talking about a more modest family estate . . . I sure would prefer to think that I could make my adult kids' lives a bit easier than not. 

 

 

[LibraryLover]

.  People  can be rather delusional when they are looking for $.

Edited March 9, 2016 by LibraryLover

[SparklyUnicorn]

word....

 

 

[Plateau Mama]

I agree completely about the disgustingness of the entitled attitudes as well as how tragically common it is.

 

I can't imagine not wanting to leave my kids any wealth I can manage to accumulate before I rr. I mean, if I didn't think wealth mattered, then I'd give it away now, right? So, I accumulate it and hold on to it into my old age . . . but then I don't think I should leave it to my kids? Why not? Why wouldn't I want to make their lives a bit easier? To allow them to slow down a bit sooner than I could . . . to allow them to spoil their own grandkids a bit more than I could . . . I guess it's hard for me to understand that mentality.

 

Now, if we were talking many millions of dollars, then, sure I could see contributing much of it to charity or spreading the wealth in other ways, but if we're talking about a more modest family estate . . . I sure would prefer to think that I could make my adult kids' lives a bit easier than not.

What if your children were involved expensive illegal habits?

What if your children had demanded (and received) large sums of money in the last 10 years to fund said habits? Sums that might mot necessarily be a lot to you, but by normal standards be a large sum?

 

Would you still think hey why not leave them money?

[SparklyUnicorn]

I find the whole concept very bizarre.  But for one, nobody in my family ever left much behind.  I wonder if there is some reason many humans like to swoop down to claim stuff.  It can even be petty worthless crap. 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

What if your children were involved expensive illegal habits?

What if your children had demanded (and received) large sums of money in the last 10 years to fund said habits? Sums that might mot necessarily be a lot to you, but by normal standards be a large sum?

 

Would you still think hey why not leave them money?

 

and for some - no amount is "enough".

[goldberry]

I've seen some very ugly things, enough to promise myself that I will go without a single thing rather than fight my relatives for a dead person's money.  I cannot imagine anything more disrespectful to my mother or father than my sister and I fighting over their belongings.  I will let her have everything before that happens.

 

My sister regularly says things like, "I'm taking that when mom and dad are gone..."  I think this is weird and inappropriate.  But I'm not the only one who sees I think... over the last several years my parents have given me a few meaningful items and said, "I want you to have this, and otherwise your sister will try to take it."  :glare:

 

We also pre-emptively scanned all of the photographs and made our own copies.  

[gardenmom5]

I find the whole concept very bizarre.  But for one, nobody in my family ever left much behind.  I wonder if there is some reason many humans like to swoop down to claim stuff.  It can even be petty worthless crap. 

 

when we were discussing things with the estate lawyer we used - he had one case where two siblings fought it out in court over what really wasn't that much.  keep in mind - MOST of that ended up going to the lawyers. - and the lawyer was shaking his head at the waste and greed.

 

having been in this - it *only takes one* sibling to sue another, and that other is forced to defend themself.

[KungFuPanda]

Ok, help a reasonable gal out: I have parents. They have money. I don't think they "owe" it to me or my brother, but I have every reason to hold the general expectation (what I think will happen) that we-two, plus my children will stand to inherit when the time comes. (Meaning when the 2nd of them passes away. It's '100% spouse' if/when only one of them passes.)

 

I also have been told to expect the inheritance between my brother and I to be somewhat uneven in my favour: with an explaination of why.

 

I have also received considerable gifts from them under the premise that 'I'm inheriting it eventually anyways' so they'd rather see/enjoy the gift, and it saves on taxes. Plus they are saving for my kids' educations too (saves on taxes).

 

Regarding all this, I feel *lucky* -- not entitled. But, on the other hand, I do realistically predict that (a significant portion) of this (probably large) inheritance will most likely become my money eventually. I see myself as an heir, unless something changes drastically in the meantime.

 

Am I all crummy and unethical? Entitled and selfish? How can I do better? I've never done it before (obviously).

 

(Also, not impatient. I still have living grandparents, and I quite like my parents alive too -- no rush here.)

 

 

 

It's not a problem right now unless you or your siblings go nuts if your expectations are not met.  If one parent dies and the other marries, then embarks upon a whole second life, you can expect a change in the will.  Some people people freak out when the parent and new step-parent take trips, or treat the new spouses grandchildren like they treat their own.  Some people get really weird about this and don't want step children or step grandchildren to be treated equally even after the couple has been married for decades.  Parent and new spouse may discuss it and prefer to spend the "inheritance" on trips and gifts that they can SEE their children enjoy.  When this happens and there is little or no cash payoff at death, adult children get weird.  I mean, your parent could die and leave everything to their spouse and you could see nothing.  The question is are you cool with that our would you freak out?

[sassenach]

I expect this to be the case with my grandfather. I hope he reverse mortgages the house so there's nothing left.