Dh wants to send dc back to ps!

[Sue G in PA]

There is a lot to this story and I only have a few moments while dc are eating lunch. In a nutshell...dh decides I need to see a counselor for ppd (okay, great, no problem, I suffer w/ ppd after each child, some worse than others...this time it's moderate to severe). He presents it as "we are going to see a counselor", but when we get there it's all about me. Well, okay, but please don't lie to me next time...I'm a big girl...just tell me the truth. So, dh sits in on the sessions b/c it's all about finding a way to "help me out"...no biggie. Actually, it's good. Well, yesterday, dh springs this on us (me)...he thinks we need to send the kids back to school for a variety of reasons:

1. they fight too much and there is too much negative energy at home and they would do better being apart from one another all day

2. they need to be around kids their own age/sex (esp. our dd11)

3. our ds10 might do better if he has other boys his age to "compete" with.

4. Basically, I can't handle it and the dc are suffering. :001_huh:

 

Counselor agrees (duh!) and so they proceed to "gang up on me" and present many reasons (besides ones listed) why kids should go back to school. I was livid. I wanted to run out of there. I'm still rather angry and now I'm even more depressed! I, being the good and submissive wife, talk to some of my ds about it (dd11 and ds5). DD11 admits that she's been thinking about going back but hasn't said anything as to not "hurt my feelings". :confused: Ds5 would start K. He hasn't a clue, but said he didn't care...home or school. Whatever.

 

Okay, so I'm feeling very betrayed right now. I feel like dh has set me up. We haven't talked about it yet (just the 2 of us) b/c I need to calm down. I'm upset that dd wants to go back and I'm just so very confused. She would benefit from the opportunities to join a chorus, be w/ her friends again, play an instrument, join another club, etc. So would the other kids. Now I'm feeling guilty b/c I can't provide that for her (or any of them). So maybe sending them back would be the best thing. It breaks my heart and makes me want to vomit at the very thought, but what if it's best for THEM? Dh had off last week and did half of the teaching...I felt so "lost" when I wasn't teaching. What will I do? I feel like the rug has just been pulled from under my feet! Instead of trying to help me make this work, dh decides we need to "give up". Instead of trying to help me organize and get the house in order, enforce chores and daily responsibilites, dh decides to do the easiest thing...just give up. I just needed to vent. If you have any words of wisdom, and I know you all do, please offer them. I'm just so numb over this and don't really know what to think/do, what is best, etc. All I know is the very thought of sending them back makes me cringe for so many reasons. Thanks for listening.

[Jen500]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. It sounds like you need some time to yourself, to think. And then have a discussion w/your dh, or maybe meet w/the counselor alone. What would truly be best for your kids at this point? (I guess that's what you need to think about) And whatever you decide, make a plan to help make your decision work out.

:grouphug:

[Aubrey]

:grouphug:

 

Taking the dc out right now--don't have time to say much, but I'll be praying for you & check in later.

[Quiver0f10]

First off :grouphug:! Second, don't rush into anything right now. Your emotions are all over the place and it's best to wait until you have time to think. I would set up a time to talk to DH with no interruptions. Maybe a date night? Before hand write down your thoughts and use that as a guideline for the discussion, this will help you stay on track.

 

For school, maybe shelve the books for a while and work on the discipline issues and getting the family to help you out. Work on what your Dh ( and you) feel needs to be done to make home more peaceful.

[Remudamom]

I would tell my dh that I didn't appreciate him trying to manipulate me, and that you two should talk this out.

[Mx5]

There is a lot to this story and I only have a few moments while dc are eating lunch. In a nutshell...dh decides I need to see a counselor for ppd (okay, great, no problem, I suffer w/ ppd after each child, some worse than others...this time it's moderate to severe). He presents it as "we are going to see a counselor", but when we get there it's all about me. Well, okay, but please don't lie to me next time...I'm a big girl...just tell me the truth. So, dh sits in on the sessions b/c it's all about finding a way to "help me out"...no biggie. Actually, it's good. Well, yesterday, dh springs this on us (me)...he thinks we need to send the kids back to school for a variety of reasons:

1. they fight too much and there is too much negative energy at home and they would do better being apart from one another all day

2. they need to be around kids their own age/sex (esp. our dd11)

3. our ds10 might do better if he has other boys his age to "compete" with.

4. Basically, I can't handle it and the dc are suffering. :001_huh:

 

Counselor agrees (duh!) and so they proceed to "gang up on me" and present many reasons (besides ones listed) why kids should go back to school. I was livid. I wanted to run out of there. I'm still rather angry and now I'm even more depressed! I, being the good and submissive wife, talk to some of my ds about it (dd11 and ds5). DD11 admits that she's been thinking about going back but hasn't said anything as to not "hurt my feelings". :confused: Ds5 would start K. He hasn't a clue, but said he didn't care...home or school. Whatever.

 

Okay, so I'm feeling very betrayed right now. I feel like dh has set me up. We haven't talked about it yet (just the 2 of us) b/c I need to calm down. I'm upset that dd wants to go back and I'm just so very confused. She would benefit from the opportunities to join a chorus, be w/ her friends again, play an instrument, join another club, etc. So would the other kids. Now I'm feeling guilty b/c I can't provide that for her (or any of them). So maybe sending them back would be the best thing. It breaks my heart and makes me want to vomit at the very thought, but what if it's best for THEM? Dh had off last week and did half of the teaching...I felt so "lost" when I wasn't teaching. What will I do? I feel like the rug has just been pulled from under my feet! Instead of trying to help me make this work, dh decides we need to "give up". Instead of trying to help me organize and get the house in order, enforce chores and daily responsibilites, dh decides to do the easiest thing...just give up. I just needed to vent. If you have any words of wisdom, and I know you all do, please offer them. I'm just so numb over this and don't really know what to think/do, what is best, etc. All I know is the very thought of sending them back makes me cringe for so many reasons. Thanks for listening.

 

Most people who are married don't like it when their spouse is suffering. They try to fix the situation. It looks like that's what your dh is doing, even though it feels like an attack to you. Your dh can see what's going on in the home, and he most likely is doing what he thinks is best to get your home to be less negative, and to help you feel better about life. He may think that PS is not the optimal choice, but is a reasonable choice for a season, until you're enjoying life again.

 

A couple questions - are you on medication for your PPD? If not, why not? If you are, have they helped? If they're not helping, would it be time to consider a medication change? It can take several weeks for meds to do their thing.

 

I know you're livid right now, and it would be wise to wait a while before talking to your dh about it all. But I would definitely talk to him, and be blunt about how you feel you've been, as my friend would put it, "back doored" and ambushed by him and the counselor. I would also talk to him about what he'd do to help if the kids were put back in PS... will he pick them up? Drive them? Help them with homework? Because if he's doing this to help you, then he needs to help you.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Pardon me if you consider those questions to be prying, and just ignore them.

[clwcain]

I would tell my dh that I didn't appreciate him trying to manipulate me, and that you two should talk this out.

 

:iagree:, and without the "therapist".

 

This sort of thing really chaps my hide. When I have an issue with my wife, I let her know without involving third parties and conspiracies. I would hope all men would do the same.

 

Okay, now my Irish is up... *grrr*

[Mamagistra]

:grouphug: Sue... :grouphug:

[swellmomma]

I would tell my dh that I didn't appreciate him trying to manipulate me, and that you two should talk this out.

 

 

ITA! It's times like this that I am glad I don't have someone interferring in what I think is best for my kids. I also get PPD but it would be a cold day down below before I let my dh or anyone manipulate me into doing what they want, with feigned excuses of saying it is best for me. While I understand the submissive wife role, and over all agree with it, this is not something I would put up with and he would know it.

 

I am sorry that he tricked you into seeing a counsellor just to gang up you. Do not rush into anything just yet. PPD makes you not see things clearly. Are you taking meds for the PPD as well as seeing this counsellor? Is there a way to find another counsellor on your own, that dh has not chosen? Perhaps going to a new one on your own can help you more than going to one that will automatically jump on board with dh with no thoughts to get both sides of the coin. I also recommend meds to help you out ths time around. The faster you can get a clear head and over come the ppd the better off you and you dc will be.

[Kelli in TN]

Oh, my heart just aches for you right now.

 

Let's separate the issues....

 

1) Kids in School

 

Are they really doing well as homeschoolers? Could they benefit from school for NOW (nothing has to be forever)? Would it be best to send them all, or might you send the older ones and concentrate on the younger ones? Are your schools decent? Is your homeschool not going well? Could you fix it or are you just too overwhelmed this year?

 

 

 

2) Your Identity as a Homeschool Mom

 

You are having a huge emotional reaction to the thought of kids going to school. Is it because you are convinced that homeschooling is best and that your homeschool is succeeding? Or is it because you are a homeschool mom, by golly, and nobody is going to take that away from you?

 

ETA: I do not mean to imply that your reaction is overly emotional. I did not word that very well. I just meant, WHAT are you specifically feeling? If my dh even utters the words "public school" to me I have a huge reaction but I know for certain that my homeschool is going well AND that my entire identity as a human being is wrapped up in being a homeschool mom!!!!

 

3) Your Husband and Counselor Ganging Up on You.

 

First, look for the wisdom that might be in the message. There might be truth to what they say. Separate the message from the delivery method.

 

BUT!!! BUT!!! They ganged up on you. Ick. You should be able to trust your husband. You should be able to trust your counselor. I would be looking for a new counselor that your husband does not have access to. Obviously you don't need to be looking for a new husband (I am being a smart aleck here) but you need to probably work through some things with the one you have!

 

I hope you can work things out in a way that is best for everyone involved.

[mommylawyer]

:grouphug: to you.

 

I'm sorry you were ganged up on. I think you and your DH need to sit down and calmly discuss this - ALONE. I don't think it was right that he take you in to a counselor and then both of them tell you that homeschooling isn't working, regardless of the reasons. Once you and DH can discuss it - and it may take several days, weeks, then you need to have a family conference, not so that the children will get what they want, but just so their feelings can be heard - discuss with them the pros and cons of whatever decision you and DH have made.

 

As for your PPD, how long do you generally suffer with it? In the past, did it last 6 months or so - and are you close to that point yet? I agree with a previous post that if you aren't taking medication, you should, and if the medication isn't working, talk to your doctor.

 

Please, don't make any hasty decisions, talk to your husband alone, for as much time as it takes, then let your kids weigh in...some.

 

Good luck! My prayers are with you!

[lovemyboys]

Most people who are married don't like it when their spouse is suffering. They try to fix the situation. It looks like that's what your dh is doing, even though it feels like an attack to you. Your dh can see what's going on in the home, and he most likely is doing what he thinks is best to get your home to be less negative, and to help you feel better about life. He may think that PS is not the optimal choice, but is a reasonable choice for a season, until you're enjoying life again.

 

 

My guess is that there's a good bit of truth in this insight. I'm remembering that a couple other posters here have had dhs intervene when they were concerned about their families and the solution often involves dc returning to ps for awhile.

 

You've posted a few times about stress in your home and dh is probably especially keen to this when he walks in the door and sees it with fresh eyes at the end of the day. He may not have handled it very smoothly, but he's probably trying to do the best he can to help you out. I would try to find calm quiet time to talk this out with him. Talking with a counselor (perhaps a new one if you can't trust current one) on your own might help too.

 

:grouphug: Sue :grouphug:

[Heather in the Kootenays]

But there may be lots more ways to resolve this than such a drastic step.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[hornblower]

I don't really see how sending some of the kids to ps would help. Your sig line indicates that there would still be littles at home. I have a friend who one year was homeschooling some, had some in ps, and some under the school age a home & that combo just about put her over the edge. It was the worst of all worlds. You end up having to deal with all the school stuff AND with the ones at home. School does not make things any easier from the people I've seen who put their kids in - they're still worried, still running around, still sleep deprived. In fact, more so.

 

I'd find another counsellor - preferably one who understands attachment parenting, even if you're not an attachment parent, because they TEND to understand homeschooling better. And I ditto the idea of going alone.

 

A lot of counsellors think that if you just stop breastfeeding/cosleeping/homeschooling yadayada, it will all magically get better. Um, no. Things just change & sometimes the change is awfully hard & sometimes the end result is a lot more work for everyone.

 

Get meds if necessary. Set clear, measurable goals. Make coherent & reasonable requests for help from people (any local hs co-op's that can help you out? How about hiring a mom's helper for bit - hs teens are good for that. Someone to give you a hand either with chores or with the kids for just an hour or 2 once in a while really helps. )

 

Can't help with the dh. I'm so NOT a submissive wife that I can't wrap my head around that at all. I'd be giving dh a list of chores & a schedule which involved him taking ALL the kids for several hours each week while I lounged in a bath/caught up on fave tv shows/went out for a movie etc etc. Take time for yourself.

 

Last thing - are you getting enough exercise and fresh air?

 

ooh, one more thing, really last now - I don't let an 11 yo make decisions about school or not. They're just not old enough to make that choice so I don't even ask. For me it's not until they're well into their teens & they've read a selected bibliography on homeschooling that they get to voice an opinion on school or home....

[Sue G in PA]

First of all, thanks everyone. I can always count on the Hive, my friends. To address a few things/questions:

1. I actually LIKE the counselor. She (yes, she...dh KNEW that I'd never see/listen to a male counselor who wouldn't have a CLUE what I, as a female, am going through right now...not male bashing...please don't miscontrue). This counselor is very supportive, very nice and we do seem to "connect" well, KWIM? The fact that she seemed to go right along w/ dh in sending them back to school...well, she doesn't homeschool. She doesn't know. When I immediately took the defensive about the issue, she did suggest "tabling" it until later. Dh was the one who persisted.

 

2. Dh did the only thing he knew to do to help me. I love him for that. I DO NOT like how he did it. That's another issue, though. I'm angry that he is suggesting this and that he first brought it up in front of the counselor (sort of like so he'd have an ally, KWIM?). He knew how I'd react.

3. Yes, I am emotional about this...even keeping PPD out of it....I get emotional. Like a pp said, my entire being is wrapped up in being a hs mom. It's what/who I am.

4. I don't know if it is working or not for my dc. Sometimes I'd say yes, sometimes an emphatic no. They do fight a lot. But, the times they get along are golden. This year has been rough so far. New curriculum to learn, more dc to teach and I haven't found that "groove" yet. I'm giving it time. It's only been 2 wks.

5. I am not on medication. The counselor suggested it even though she is not pro-meds. She explained it very well. She said it might be a good "band aid" for now just so I don't "bleed out" while we find a real solution to all the problems. Makes sense. So, I went to Patient First, had some blood work done for my thyroid and asked the dr. about meds. He said no b/c he didn't know my history, etc. I don't have a primary care anymore b/c of insurance issues. No dr. that is on our list was accepting new patients (I'm dead serious...NONE!). So, Patient First it was. So now what? Do I call this dr. back and explain that I really, really NEED, MUST HAVE the meds? PPD could last anywhere from 6 mos. to more than a year (that has been the "gamut" of my PPD cases in the past...anywhere from 6 mos. to more than a year).

 

Thanks again for listening. I'm feeling very hurt and very betrayed. It's just a mess.

[JudoMom]

ITA! It's times like this that I am glad I don't have someone interferring in what I think is best for my kids.

 

I don't understand this mindset at all. I'm sure the father is doing what he thinks is best for the kids, too, because they belong equally to both parents, therefore he is not interfering.

 

Sue, I don't know if how your dh went about bringing this up with you the best way, but I'm going to assume he went about it the best way he knew how. I'm also going to assume he's got the best interest of the kids at heart, just as you do.

 

I also don't know who is right. I do think you should discuss it with him, but you should also listen to him as well. Does he have valid concerns? Are they things you can remedy? Now that the topic of sending them back to school is on the table, it's time to evaluate honestly and not with emotions. There was a time 2 years ago when my boys were one semester away from going to the public school (there were some changes I needed to make, and if I wasn't able to make them I agreed it would be best if they went to school for the sake of family harmony).

 

:grouphug:, Sue. I hope you're able to come to the decision that is best for your family right now without too much arguing, pain, resentment, or heartache for either you or your dh.

[Danestress]

While you may feel backdoored, he may feel that bringing up public school might cause an unpleasant reaction in you, and he might feel safer broaching that with a third party. Or he might feel that you will discount his opinion.

 

When DH and I had a son causing us a lot of misery, there were a lot of things I just couldn't say to DH. DH had so much conflict with DS that I didn't want to invite conflict with me - partly because I am a peace-maker. So it was trendously helpful when we got some counseling for DS and that included a couple of sessions with just DH, the therapist and I. DH was much less emotional (read, "angry") when the therapist was there and I was able to address some things that I had avoided addressing when we were alone. DH really so angry at DS that he couldn't see how he contributed to the problem, and I could see it but didn't feel like it was worth it to pursue that until the therapist was there. And I am not *at all* afraid of my husband. This isn't an abuse issue - please understand me. I'm just not entirely comfortable with the emotions, and a therapists presence made it feel emotionally safer for me.

 

Perhaps your husband knows how emotional this issue will make you. Perhaps he is afraid of your anger or your sorrow or your feeling of not being supported. Maybe he felt he *needed* the support of a third party there when he brought it up.

 

I still would feel a bit back-doored and I don't blame you for feeling that way, but it helps sometimes to try to focus on the other person's motives, so try to see this from his perspective.

 

Anyway, Sue, this has to be one of the hardest of all possible homeschool issues - when you feel that your DH isn't really in favor of you homeschooling anymore. I totally sympathize and will pray for you. And for him. They are his children, they are your children, you both want what is best for them, but you might judge "best" differently or disagree on what that would look and feel like:( I know you have had some real struggles the last couple of years, and maybe he's more focussed right now on the negative parts of your family life than you are.

[bkpan]

First of all, thanks everyone. I can always count on the Hive, my friends. To address a few things/questions:

1. I actually LIKE the counselor. She (yes, she...dh KNEW that I'd never see/listen to a male counselor who wouldn't have a CLUE what I, as a female, am going through right now...not male bashing...please don't miscontrue). This counselor is very supportive, very nice and we do seem to "connect" well, KWIM? The fact that she seemed to go right along w/ dh in sending them back to school...well, she doesn't homeschool. She doesn't know. When I immediately took the defensive about the issue, she did suggest "tabling" it until later. Dh was the one who persisted.

 

2. Dh did the only thing he knew to do to help me. I love him for that. I DO NOT like how he did it. That's another issue, though. I'm angry that he is suggesting this and that he first brought it up in front of the counselor (sort of like so he'd have an ally, KWIM?). He knew how I'd react.

3. Yes, I am emotional about this...even keeping PPD out of it....I get emotional. Like a pp said, my entire being is wrapped up in being a hs mom. It's what/who I am.

4. I don't know if it is working or not for my dc. Sometimes I'd say yes, sometimes an emphatic no. They do fight a lot. But, the times they get along are golden. This year has been rough so far. New curriculum to learn, more dc to teach and I haven't found that "groove" yet. I'm giving it time. It's only been 2 wks.

5. I am not on medication. The counselor suggested it even though she is not pro-meds. She explained it very well. She said it might be a good "band aid" for now just so I don't "bleed out" while we find a real solution to all the problems. Makes sense. So, I went to Patient First, had some blood work done for my thyroid and asked the dr. about meds. He said no b/c he didn't know my history, etc. I don't have a primary care anymore b/c of insurance issues. No dr. that is on our list was accepting new patients (I'm dead serious...NONE!). So, Patient First it was. So now what? Do I call this dr. back and explain that I really, really NEED, MUST HAVE the meds? PPD could last anywhere from 6 mos. to more than a year (that has been the "gamut" of my PPD cases in the past...anywhere from 6 mos. to more than a year).

 

Thanks again for listening. I'm feeling very hurt and very betrayed. It's just a mess.

 

While I understand the feelings of hurt and betrayal, from outside the situation it honestly sounds as if your dh is acting in love, doing what he feels best. PPD can be serious, and none of us is in your home, so, (gently) maybe your dh sees something that you don't and we certainly can't. If you consider your dh trustworthy, perhaps it is worth following his lead here.

 

From most of the points in your post, your main concern seems to be your identity as a hs mom, though I am certainly not implying that you don't want what's best for your dc! It is just really, really, hard to see through the fog when there is depression going on. Since you acknowledge that this is indeed, the case, I would follow my dh's advice completely. Nothing is permanent, and you and dh can reassess when you are on the other side of this.

 

Trust your dh. It sounds as if he may feel somewhat helpless, judging by the way he handled the situation. Perhaps he thought that you wouldn't be open to the idea of stopping hs just coming from him? So, trust that he may see the situation a little more outside of it than you right now. After all, his concern is for you, but hs is really all about what is best for our dc, don't you agree?? HTH

 

Kim

[Alyce]

I would call the therapist and see if she can talk to the Dr. If he heard from her how you were doing (a professional opinion) he might be more likely to prescribe something for you. I know in our clinic the counselor does a lot to help the Dr get a better prespective on things. The other thing to consider is if she could contact one of the doctors on your list and see if they'll take a referral from her. Sometimes that can get you in the door.

[Sue G in PA]

He could, ummm, TAKE A MEDICAL HISTORY!! Call this patient First place and use the words "depression" and "emergency". If that doesn't work call the dr.s who are not taking patients and explain to the head nurse. Again, "depression" and "emergency" are key. Then call and rail on your insurance co. File a formal complaint and ask them what the procedure is for going outside of network when they can not provide basic medical care inside of their network. Be persistent and polite but if it come to that be just a little crazy.

 

Does the Counselor have a psychiatrist in her office who can prescribe for you? That might be the fastest course of action.

 

It's a frustrating issue and ITA w/ you on this. I've ranted and raved about this to dh already. See, Patient First, although to most people is a sort of "public clinic", they do have dr.s who can be considered your "primary care". Therefore, our insurance won't let us go out of network since there is a primary care available, KWIM? Now, to me, Patient First, is NOT a primary care. It's a general clinic and the dr.s there really don't take the time to actually get to know you. Too many people coming and going for that. I'm ticked b/c I had a great relationship w/ my primary care and now I can't see her. Our out of network fee is substantial. So, I'm stuck. I used the words, "depression, post pardum, more than just baby blues, moderate to severe, etc." with this dr. No go. So, I'm going to have my counselor call and get the meds prescribed. I'm also calling our insurance to see about waiving this out of network fee b/c of the lack of primary care docs available. It's simply crazy that one cannot get good medical care b/c of the stupid health care in this country (read: insurance).

[Tree House Academy]

I would be livid too and hurt beyond belief. I have actually feared the same thing in my household because I also suffer from depression and often anxiety. When I have the anxiety and let it get beyond rational, it takes over my life. However, homeschooling has grounded me in staying within what is rational. Homeschooling my kids helps keep me sane.

 

I urge you to talk to your husband and tell him how much this means to you and how hurt you are about this. Say it in front of the counselor if you like and talk about things openly. In the meantime, don't take your kids out of school. Keep on keepin' on until you and dh can agree.

 

*hugs*

[Michele B]

Really, really feeling for you. :grouphug: Deep breathes, prayers and no sudden decisions! You need your husband's support to homeschool, that's for sure. But he may not be thinking clearly right now with the responsibility of another human being. My husband had his won little version of ppd after are girls were born. This is not a good time for someone to push you into a decision you think is wrong. Counselors don't know everything!;)

[Nestof3]

I really don't have time to post too much right now. My main thought about this is:

 

Were you and your husband in agreement with having so many children?

 

AND

 

Were you and your husband in agreement about homeschooling?

 

See, we have lots of friends who homeschool, and many of them have also chosen to have many children. These husbands/fathers, though, really feel a calling to homeschool (as does my husband -- we just don't feel a calling to have a large family b/c we don't think we can handle it). Being that these men are so supportive and visionary in their homeschooling and large family, I just cannot imagine any of them seeing their wives overwhelmed and proposing what your husband has proposed.

 

I see them jumping in and helping in any way. Such as -- I am going to work on our childrens' attitudes, etc. in the evening because I am ON BOARD with our decision to have a large family and homeschool. This is the responsible thing to do when you have already considered the cost (and I don't just mean financial) or homeschooling and having so many children.

 

I am just astonished that IF your husband has been on board with these convictions that he would so sneakily approach these matters.

 

Now, I am not saying you aren't in need of any professional help, but it could also be that you are in need of physical help as you have so many young ones. To me, that's where the considering the cost really comes in.

[Nestof3]

Is Patient First the only in-network provider? You may just have to settle for this, you know? I think there are some pretty decent doctors there.

[SonshineLearner]

Would you feel happier if you, as well as whatever you're getting to take, start attending a co-op...or other outside activities. We have homeschool bands here, co-ops, park days....sometimes getting out of the house works. Less school work and more life experience:-) Maybe you need to take a "maternity leave" but keep the kids...it's easier with the kids.....Concentrate on having the children help, obey and do "family" type activities. Enjoy your time together. If you can get some "Adult time" it may help:-)

<hugs>

 

Carrie:-)

[sassenach]

Oh, my heart just aches for you right now.

 

Let's separate the issues....

 

1) Kids in School

 

Are they really doing well as homeschoolers? Could they benefit from school for NOW (nothing has to be forever)? Would it be best to send them all, or might you send the older ones and concentrate on the younger ones? Are your schools decent? Is your homeschool not going well? Could you fix it or are you just too overwhelmed this year?

 

 

 

2) Your Identity as a Homeschool Mom

 

You are having a huge emotional reaction to the thought of kids going to school. Is it because you are convinced that homeschooling is best and that your homeschool is succeeding? Or is it because you are a homeschool mom, by golly, and nobody is going to take that away from you?

 

ETA: I do not mean to imply that your reaction is overly emotional. I did not word that very well. I just meant, WHAT are you specifically feeling? If my dh even utters the words "public school" to me I have a huge reaction but I know for certain that my homeschool is going well AND that my entire identity as a human being is wrapped up in being a homeschool mom!!!!

 

3) Your Husband and Counselor Ganging Up on You.

 

First, look for the wisdom that might be in the message. There might be truth to what they say. Separate the message from the delivery method.

 

BUT!!! BUT!!! They ganged up on you. Ick. You should be able to trust your husband. You should be able to trust your counselor. I would be looking for a new counselor that your husband does not have access to. Obviously you don't need to be looking for a new husband (I am being a smart aleck here) but you need to probably work through some things with the one you have!

 

I hope you can work things out in a way that is best for everyone involved.

 

Wow, what an excellent response Kelli.

 

Sue,

 

I really, really feel like your dh is looking out for you. Sometimes loving someone and looking out for their best interest can mean telling them exactly what they don't want to hear. It sounds like you would have reacted very strongly to his suggestion, even if he had done it privately. It also sounds like since you have a good relationship with your counselor, he maybe felt like you would hear him out a little better in that setting. Was it the right choice? I don't know. Yes you feel betrayed, but would you have felt any less betrayed had he said it in private?

 

I've read a lot of your posts over the past several months and to be really honest, I'm not surprised by your dh's thoughts. Not because your not a good mom, not because you shouldn't be homeschooling, but because it seems like things have been spiraling and not turning that corner. Your dh wants to rescue you. He wants you to be well and he sees this as a possible solution. Public school in itself won't solve this, but I hope you don't dismiss it altogether. It may give you the time you need to heal, reset and move forward.

 

Maybe you and dh can agree to pray about this for a set amount of time. What if you decided to take a month and really seek the Lord's will on this, then come back together and make a decision. That will give you time to figure out the medication issues and maybe really lay down the law with the kids.

 

On another note, I'm really surprised by all of the women on this thread who are so willing to bash your dh. I gotta tell you, on an emotional level, I really feel your pain and I can understand everyone reacting to that. But really, truly, we are JUST internet friends. Who are we to judge your dh, who fully loves you, fully knows you and fully has not only your kid's best interest, but YOUR best interest at heart. I just don't think any of us have the right to bash him. That's just my 2 cents. (I hope I'm being clear- I'm not saying you can't express your feelings about your dh, just that I think the rest of us need to be real careful about the judgements we're passing down)

[Carol in Cal.]

I am mad for you, that you can't get the right help on this. Also, if my DH ever treated me this way, I would be beyond furious.

 

Some people who are depressed are completely immobilized and ineffective. Some are functional, but angry in their affect all the time. Some fake it really, really well, and force themselves to be effective.

 

I don't know where you fall on this scale, and I don't know how your DH feels that you fall on this scale. I would honestly ask yourself that question--where you think you fall, and where you think he thinks you fall on that scale. It's easy for me to picture someone in your situation holding themselves together with difficulty all day, and then unloading on the DH when he gets home. That can possibly create the perception in his mind that things are much worse than they actually are at home when he is not there. Maybe that is what needs to be corrected here.

 

I am not as generous as some in ascribing motives to him. He might be suggesting this out of love for you OR love for the kids OR just wanting an escape from a situation that he considers unpleasant. Any way you slice it, to approach you in the way that he did was underhanded at best. I'm really sorry that you are in this position--it is painful, for sure.

[Guest]

He could, ummm, TAKE A MEDICAL HISTORY!! Call this patient First place and use the words "depression" and "emergency". If that doesn't work call the dr.s who are not taking patients and explain to the head nurse. Again, "depression" and "emergency" are key. Then call and rail on your insurance co. File a formal complaint and ask them what the procedure is for going outside of network when they can not provide basic medical care inside of their network. Be persistent and polite but if it come to that be just a little crazy.

 

Does the Counselor have a psychiatrist in her office who can prescribe for you? That might be the fastest course of action.

 

:iagree: I can't imagine that there is a doctor around who would turn you down. PPD has received a lot of media attention in the recent years, so I think more people are aware of it and take it seriously. Definitely stress the "depression" and "emergency" - and I don't think you are exaggerating, either.

 

:grouphug: I am sorry you are going through this. Every family is different and there's always multiple sides to a story, but there's no changing how you feel when you're the one going through something.

[Stacy in NJ]

Great post, Shannon. I agree.

 

I'm wishing peace for you and yours, Sue.

[PeterPan]

Just to follow up on this thyroid thing some more, I would call them and have them tell you or fax you what the results of the labs were. There are more detailed tests he can run, and he may not have run them. Then you can get on manufacturer websites for the various thyroid meds (armour, westthroid,etc.) and find a doc. My thyroid crashed with dd post-partum (9 years ago), so that's definitely something to follow up on if you think it's the problem. And if it's beeen happening every time, it almost begs the question of whether you have been needing thyroid meds the whole time, not just post-partum. In any case, I'd fight harder on that. Or go to the health food store and get kelp capsules.

 

Can you hire an older hs graduate in the area to come in and supervise your kids' schooling for the next month or two? Is there an older woman in your church who would step in and help you? I've had so many problems over the years, I make no bones about saying I'm at my limit and asking (rather forcefully) for help. You can't continue on when things are negative, but ps isn't the only answer. Mercenary help, help for pay, would be my first choice. And as the others said, your dh could pick up the pace and take some of the hs load too. I told my dh he pretty much had to start playing bad cop, because I've been so tired and grouchy the last bit with this pregnancy that my version was getting too negative. So I don't play bad cop any more. I don't discipline, make her do anything, or anything else. I simply remind her that dh is going to come home and deal with it, and I mean DEAL with it. It takes a family pow-wow that says right now mom is the weak one and anything she says goes, even if she can't enforce it. Then you bark less and HE barks more.

 

But honestly, if I had that many kids that close together and I were that sick, my dh would say the same thing. Try to see if you can get some mercenary help and pull it together till Christmas while fighting for thyroid meds. (or kelp, buy kelp!! and eat 3 cups of real salad daily!) Maybe you can have it turned around by then.

[Mom to Aly]

Sue:

 

Please, please listen to this--DO NOT GO TO PATIENT'S FIRST FOR MEDS!!!! Go to a psychiatrist!!! Even if it takes a month to get in, and it shouldn't, say it is an emergency, even if you have to stretch a little--by accepting your ins, the doctors are accepting that they will see you--put your name at a bunch and ask them to call you when someone cancels, whatever! Psychiatrists are specialists in this type of drug, and can tell you in a few minutes what is best for you--I'm not saying you need major meds, I'm saying they will know what is best, what will be OK when breast feeding--a gp is not as good--Patient's First, forget it! (I'm not trying to knock Patient's First, but I knew someone whose husband was a doc there, and I've heard really bad things, at least of the one here--I'd NEVER go there for anything!).

 

Also, if I were you, I would sit down with your dh. Tell him, calmly, or write in a letter, because it is too upsetting right now, perfectly understandable, how betrayed you do feel. Tell him how hurt and lost this makes you feel. Remember, you are homeschooling!! You can set your own schedule! I think the person who said postpone school a bit and get the kids settled was right on! You not only just had a baby, you have some ppd!

 

Get on something that will help you, get the kids working better together, dh can help with that, get the house running as you'd like, and the kids helping with that, let dh recover from his 1/2 week "teaching" (which I bet instigated a lot of that--he probably hasn't recovered from that yet!), and give it some time! You can take a month or more off now, and make it up!

 

Then, when things are going better, get back to it. The older kids can do some of their reading and work on their own. The younger ones aren't really going to miss much. If dh is concerned, he can do it on the weekends or at night ;). YOU NEED A BREAK! And, you deserve it! Don't let anyone back you into a corner and force you into a decision that could upset you now. Get your kids out to a couple of social events, and let them be happy about that, and they will feel differently. You need to see friends, and I bet you will too.

 

But, above all, give yourself a break--after all, who can be harder on you than yourself?

[ELaurie]

Call this patient First place and use the words "depression" and "emergency". If that doesn't work call the dr.s who are not taking patients and explain to the head nurse. Again, "depression" and "emergency" are key. Then call and rail on your insurance co.

 

I'd really urge you not to go this particular route. Unfortunately, in this day and age, your medical records are NOT confidential. Once the words "depression" and "emergency" show up in your file, you run the risk of being denied mental health benefits and possibly even life insurance benefits later on.

 

This is less of a concern if you or dh are employed by a larger company, but if either of you is self employed, I would not run this risk unless it is truly a life threatening situation, and you simply have no other option.

 

That being said, PPD is frequently caused by hypoythyroidism (Wilson's Thyroid Syndrome) and hormonal imbalances (What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause by Dr. John Lee; I know it sounds unrelated to what you are experiencing now, but it provides a good explanation of the types of hormones, and how to regulate them).

 

Both of these websites contain questionnaires to help you and your therapist assess whether the issues you are struggling with might have an underlying physical cause.

 

In the meantime, :grouphug:; perhaps you and your dh can arrive at a plan which allows you to delay making a permanent decision about ps while you take a few weeks to sort these things out.

 

If you decide ps is the best option for everyone concerned, it will give you and your dc time to adjust to the idea; if you are feeling stronger in a few weeks, you may be ready to tackle HSing again.

 

I will pray for you and your family.

[ELaurie]

:iagree: about having your thyroid checked - see my post elsewhere in this thread.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I'd really urge you not to go this particular route. Unfortunately, in this day and age, your medical records are NOT confidential. Once the words "depression" and "emergency" show up in your file, you run the risk of being denied mental health benefits and possibly even life insurance benefits later on.

 

This is less of a concern if you or dh are employed by a larger company, but if either of you is self employed, I would not run this risk unless it is truly a life threatening situation, and you simply have no other option.

 

 

 

Gotta agree with Elaurie here. I have been denied insurance due to my history of depression. I would be more worried about CPS issues if "depression and emergency" show up on a file. Even though it is highly likely that my depression was thyroid related (it took close to 10 years to get a diagnosis because my TSH was in the "normal" range), I will always have trouble getting insurance unless it is a group policy where they don't underwrite the individuals.

 

I agree that the sending the kids back to school discussion should be tabled until the health areas can be addressed. I can totally relate to feeling ambushed. While he may be concerned about the issue, it was not the most sensitive way to handle it.

 

You are in my prayers.

[magistramom]

:grouphug:

 

Some random thoughts...

 

~Continue to talk but open up those conversations with your immediate and extended family, friends (even the advice from this board), with your pastor, your OWN therapist, and pray whether you are receiving correct counsel on this one.

 

~Now, if your child seems to be feeling she'd like to give school a try again, and for those that are ambivalent, it's probably okay to give it a short term "go" until your ppd is under control, or gone. You may want to draw up sort of a contract with yourself, your husband, and family about how long you expect to try out school, and what will be expected.

 

~There are other alternatives to school that will offer the same socialization opportunities that your DH and his therapist choice seem to believe children need: dual enrollment or involvement in extracurricular activities at your local school; look for modestly priced extracurricular activities in your community and free events around town; formal homeschool co-ops or informal co-op classes; charter schools that are still free, but have more freedom in their curriculum choices; K-12 or Odyssey (whatever is offered through your PS district); or online classes.

 

Don't forget to look for positives - you can afterschool; volunteer at your school in each classroom; teach or tutor other hs'ers one of your talents (piano, art, Latin, etc.); and if you can be a part of your hs group, you can pull your kids out for field trip days (did I just say that? yes, our neighbors that have PS kids sometimes come with us!).

 

Wishing you much peace - your going to have a few more rocky days yet to come as you transition your health, identity as a mom, and family schedules if you enter school.

[Joanne]

Some ramblings.

 

But, first, {{{hugs}}}

 

1) PPD is a *physical* reality. While I always encourage outside, professional mental health support and help, treating PPD has to be done with the understanding that it emerges from a malfunction physiologically.

 

2) Homeschooling, many (by cultural standards) kids do not cause PPD, depression or a negative dynamic. Homeschooling and homelife are simply a place for the symptoms of PPD to show up.

 

3) I'm both furious at and encouraged by your DH. I've seen men completely unable to open their family up to professional mental help. Where the need to be insular and self sufficient is scary. Your DH is willing to get your family help. OTOH, I do think the dynamic between you needs some "work". It would if it were my situation as the "submissive wife" role is not one I feel theologically or operationally comfortable.

 

4) Is your therapist anti homeschool, anti mom at home, less than educated on the needs of moms who are homemaking?

 

What I'd suggest you do is:

 

1) Ask DH for 6 months to revisit the situation.

2) List, with him, the top 3 things that need to be addressed and improved. It's very likely these won't directly have to do with school.

3) Make a plan to address the list of #2 (we can help!).

4) Work *together* and with (possibly biased professional) to up the quality of life in your home.

[Karenciavo]

Sue, I'm going to be honest with you. I hope you take this post as it's intended, advice that I hope is helpful and caring.

 

I have read many of your posts, including the posts where you share your frustrations about your children not obeying you and being hateful toward each other. No wonder things are tense in your house. Add an illness into the mix and I would be overwhelmed. I'm sure what your husband did *feels* like betrayal, but I bet he's trying to help heal the chaos, that's all. Have an honest, loving discussion with him. You both want what is best, yes? Best for your whole family.

 

You have to admit you can't keep going on like this. Can you come up with anything that would change things?

[Karenciavo]

Wow, what an excellent response Kelli.

 

Sue,

 

I really, really feel like your dh is looking out for you. Sometimes loving someone and looking out for their best interest can mean telling them exactly what they don't want to hear. It sounds like you would have reacted very strongly to his suggestion, even if he had done it privately. It also sounds like since you have a good relationship with your counselor, he maybe felt like you would hear him out a little better in that setting. Was it the right choice? I don't know. Yes you feel betrayed, but would you have felt any less betrayed had he said it in private?

 

I've read a lot of your posts over the past several months and to be really honest, I'm not surprised by your dh's thoughts. Not because your not a good mom, not because you shouldn't be homeschooling, but because it seems like things have been spiraling and not turning that corner. Your dh wants to rescue you. He wants you to be well and he sees this as a possible solution. Public school in itself won't solve this, but I hope you don't dismiss it altogether. It may give you the time you need to heal, reset and move forward.

 

Maybe you and dh can agree to pray about this for a set amount of time. What if you decided to take a month and really seek the Lord's will on this, then come back together and make a decision. That will give you time to figure out the medication issues and maybe really lay down the law with the kids.

 

On another note, I'm really surprised by all of the women on this thread who are so willing to bash your dh. I gotta tell you, on an emotional level, I really feel your pain and I can understand everyone reacting to that. But really, truly, we are JUST internet friends. Who are we to judge your dh, who fully loves you, fully knows you and fully has not only your kid's best interest, but YOUR best interest at heart. I just don't think any of us have the right to bash him. That's just my 2 cents. (I hope I'm being clear- I'm not saying you can't express your feelings about your dh, just that I think the rest of us need to be real careful about the judgements we're passing down)

 

:iagree: If I had read it before posting I would have just dittoed.

[mommaduck]

just coming on with :hugs: I have nothing to add though. But there is much wisdom in this thread.

[sleepy]

It looks like you're getting some great advice here, Sue...so I'll just add another hug. :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[Mama Bear]

How about this: New moms and sleep

 

I don't know if he's right or not or how old your little one is, but in my experience, even if you hit the ground running within a week or so (which I did as soon as Mr. was released from NICU at 5 days old), you should give your whole family at least three months to adjust to the new punkinhead's appearance.

 

Does this mean you slack off? Maybe some would see it that way. I think it means that EVERYONE in the family talks about the grace we extend to each other and how we need to continue to raise that bar, even if we jolly well don't feel like it. If you're tired because you have a full plate, welcome to the club. Perhaps your honey needs to have a little one on one time with you so he can have some sort of filling up of that marriage part of himself. Guys sometimes feel displaced when the normal kid stuff seems to be taking over. That's pretty normal. Not real helpful, :D but normal. If you're really hanging out, feeling snappish and twitchy, how about putting them back in until Christmas?

 

I don't know if any of the above really helps, but you have to know that you're gonna be okay. Hug your hubby extra tight and tell him so. Even if you feel like popping him in the head. :D And then do the thing you know you need to, bravely, whatever that may be.

 

Hugs and blessings to you and yours.

[Jill- OK]

I don't understand this mindset at all. I'm sure the father is doing what he thinks is best for the kids, too, because they belong equally to both parents, therefore he is not interfering.

 

Sue, I don't know if how your dh went about bringing this up with you the best way, but I'm going to assume he went about it the best way he knew how. I'm also going to assume he's got the best interest of the kids at heart, just as you do.

 

I'd like to assume the dh is acting out of pure motives, as well, and I also believe that children have two parents for a reason.

 

That said...I'd feel blindsided by something like this, if we're talking personally, here.

 

I've been at the point of being overwhelmed before (I've also had a need for help that didn't match my husband's idea of 'help'...::sigh::), but honestly, I don't know that the burdens of having several kids in school (different schools, at that, with a baby at home and no big kid to hold him/her while I took a shower, etc.) would have really made it better. Thankfully, I was able to figure out how to do the juggling I needed to do, and take some time off and get other things in order (and just generally get my breath), and then we picked up where we'd left off.

 

If this had happened to me, though, here's what I think I would do.

 

I'd ask the therapist if what I felt would help mattered at all. Then I'd have a little suggestion list ready.

 

I'd also point out that folks with serious medical diagnoses often seek second opinions...and say that I don't see this as any different. Then I'd scurry to find a therapist of my OWN choosing, and make an appointment. (Great psychologists that share your beliefs, or at least have a respect for them, are out there. Pray, and start looking.)

 

I don't know. Your husband may have some insights, or a perspective that we here don't know about or share...but you're a partner in this, and your views are every bit as important.

 

If getting the kids in school would 'stress you out'...I'd mention that, too. Believe it or not, at my lowest, I really don't think that it would have lowered the stress level that much. Yes, my kids saw some ugliness, but you know what? Real life is messy, and they got to see the resolution, too.

 

JMO. (Free advice, and worth every penny, lol.)

[PinkInTheBlue]

Wow, what an excellent response Kelli.

 

Sue,

 

I really, really feel like your dh is looking out for you. Sometimes loving someone and looking out for their best interest can mean telling them exactly what they don't want to hear. It sounds like you would have reacted very strongly to his suggestion, even if he had done it privately. It also sounds like since you have a good relationship with your counselor, he maybe felt like you would hear him out a little better in that setting. Was it the right choice? I don't know. Yes you feel betrayed, but would you have felt any less betrayed had he said it in private?

 

I've read a lot of your posts over the past several months and to be really honest, I'm not surprised by your dh's thoughts. Not because your not a good mom, not because you shouldn't be homeschooling, but because it seems like things have been spiraling and not turning that corner. Your dh wants to rescue you. He wants you to be well and he sees this as a possible solution. Public school in itself won't solve this, but I hope you don't dismiss it altogether. It may give you the time you need to heal, reset and move forward.

 

I completely agree with Kelli and Shannon. Well written and more great advice. ((Hugs)) to you Sue! My prayers and thoughts are with you while you and your husband find what is best for your family.

[WTMindy]

:grouphug::grouphug: Praying for you!!!!!

[Erica in PA]

Sue, I'm going to be honest with you. I hope you take this post as it's intended, advice that I hope is helpful and caring.

 

I have read many of your posts, including the posts where you share your frustrations about your children not obeying you and being hateful toward each other. No wonder things are tense in your house. Add an illness into the mix and I would be overwhelmed. I'm sure what your husband did *feels* like betrayal, but I bet he's trying to help heal the chaos, that's all. Have an honest, loving discussion with him. You both want what is best, yes? Best for your whole family.

 

You have to admit you can't keep going on like this. Can you come up with anything that would change things?

 

I agree. I've been thinking all day of how to word this in a kind, supportive way, but Karen has put it so well, I can simply agree with her. Many, many of your posts, Sue, have reflected struggle and turmoil, and I think that is an important factor in evaluating your situation. I think it would be beneficial if you could give your husband the benefit of the doubt, assume that he believed that the actions he took were the best for the entire family (even if you think he could have handled it better), and start an open, loving conversation with him about what is going on in your family, and what is best for your kids.

 

While I'm a huge supporter of homeschooling, you aren't a failure if your kids go back to school. They could thrive there, in ways they can't at home. You could fail them if you homeschool in very bad circumstances. Or you and dh could work together and improve things at home so that homeschooling could be wonderful. But I do think from your posts that there could be some significant changes needed to make that happen. Keep an open mind, and listen to your husband's perspective. He knows what is going on better than any of us here do. Best wishes to you!

 

Erica

[Leah]

Wow, what an excellent response Kelli.

 

Sue,

 

[clip] Who are we to judge your dh, who fully loves you, fully knows you and fully has not only your kid's best interest, but YOUR best interest at heart. I just don't think any of us have the right to bash him. That's just my 2 cents. (I hope I'm being clear- I'm not saying you can't express your feelings about your dh, just that I think the rest of us need to be real careful about the judgements we're passing down)

 

Great Advice here! I have nothing new to add, but I just want to say that I will truly be praying for you. I know that there have been and still are many hard things in your life and this probably feels like it is just one more hard thing that makes all of this very, very difficult to even process.

 

If I lived out there in your area, I would try to find a way to take some of your kids for a while, help you school them, or just make you a bunch of food. Do you have any contact with home-schooled teen girls who might be able to work as a mother's helper? I did that all through high school and enjoyed it-I played with the younger kids, sat with the olders while they did school, washed the dishes, cleaned out the refrigerator, scrubbed toilets (that was the one really bad part since the family has 9 boys...:D ) I also only made a little bit of money. Sometimes there are families who are willing to help out in this way.

 

:grouphug:Sue:grouphug:

[JudyJudyJudy]

I am not on medication. The counselor suggested it even though she is not pro-meds. She explained it very well. She said it might be a good "band aid" for now just so I don't "bleed out" while we find a real solution to all the problems. Makes sense. So, I went to Patient First, had some blood work done for my thyroid and asked the dr. about meds. He said no b/c he didn't know my history, etc. I don't have a primary care anymore b/c of insurance issues. No dr. that is on our list was accepting new patients (I'm dead serious...NONE!). So, Patient First it was. So now what? Do I call this dr. back and explain that I really, really NEED, MUST HAVE the meds? PPD could last anywhere from 6 mos. to more than a year (that has been the "gamut" of my PPD cases in the past...anywhere from 6 mos. to more than a year).

 

I'm going to have to agree with the doctor here. I think it would be completely irresponsible of him not to test your thyroid (and hopefully doing other blood work) AND getting the results back before prescribing any meds. As for those who keep yelling "emergency" and "depression," besides the issues that others have pointed out, it can actually be dangerous to prescribe meds under such conditions without knowing what's going on with the body. The doctor needs to know what is going on with you physically before prescribing something for you mentally.

 

Sue, I'm relatively new here, so I don't know your history or your religious beliefs, but I do wonder if you're opposed to birth control (including natural methods). It really concerns me to read your posts. I'm the youngest of seven children, and my mother was like you. She had PPD after each child, and it got especially bad after number 4. Regardless, she continued to have children, and she got worse after each successive pregnancy. Sadly for all involved, after I was born, my mother went well beyond PPD. She went into PPP and was eventually diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia (there's some other issues as well). She has never been the same since. Beginning when I was a tiny infant, my mother has been in and out of mental institutions. I never had a mother who could really "be there" for me, and my siblings who once had a mother no longer had one. Please seriously think about what pregnancies are doing to you and what ultimately can happen to your children. I'll probably get negative rep for voicing these concerns, but I'm truly worried about you and your family. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what my family and I went through.

 

I hope the doctor will be able to help you, and I hope you and your family will do well. You'll be in my thoughts. Take care.

[Guest]

As for those who keep yelling "emergency" and "depression," besides the issues that others have pointed out, it can actually be dangerous to prescribe meds under such conditions without knowing what's going on with the body. The doctor needs to know what is going on with you physically before prescribing something for you mentally.

 

 

Obviously, none of us (I don't think) are doctors here and I don't think the intentions here were to call and get a rx over the phone. I was simply saying to be agressive over the phone to get into these doctors that aren't taking patients anymore so that he/she may then diagnose and go from there.

 

I have what is considered a "pre-existing condition" which has made it near impossible for us to get health insurance. DH switched jobs and had to choose one with adequate insurance, just so we (I) could be covered. Is it a pain? Yes. However, my condition needed to be addressed. I am very thankful that I didn't try and conceal it just so it wouldn't effect my future. Myself and my family are much better because of it.

 

Sue, we are all very concerned for you and all of the conversation may have turned into more harm than good. Hopefully, someone's advice has given you an idea, some encouragement, or some hope. :grouphug:

[Kelli in TN]

I'd like to assume the dh is acting out of pure motives, as well, and I also believe that children have two parents for a reason.

 

That said...I'd feel blindsided by something like this, if we're talking personally, here.

 

I've been at the point of being overwhelmed before (I've also had a need for help that didn't match my husband's idea of 'help'...::sigh::), but honestly, I don't know that the burdens of having several kids in school (different schools, at that, with a baby at home and no big kid to hold him/her while I took a shower, etc.) would have really made it better. Thankfully, I was able to figure out how to do the juggling I needed to do, and take some time off and get other things in order (and just generally get my breath), and then we picked up where we'd left off.

 

If this had happened to me, though, here's what I think I would do.

 

I'd ask the therapist if what I felt would help mattered at all. Then I'd have a little suggestion list ready.

 

I'd also point out that folks with serious medical diagnoses often seek second opinions...and say that I don't see this as any different. Then I'd scurry to find a therapist of my OWN choosing, and make an appointment. (Great psychologists that share your beliefs, or at least have a respect for them, are out there. Pray, and start looking.)

 

I don't know. Your husband may have some insights, or a perspective that we here don't know about or share...but you're a partner in this, and your views are every bit as important.

 

If getting the kids in school would 'stress you out'...I'd mention that, too. Believe it or not, at my lowest, I really don't think that it would have lowered the stress level that much. Yes, my kids saw some ugliness, but you know what? Real life is messy, and they got to see the resolution, too.

 

JMO. (Free advice, and worth every penny, lol.)

 

 

Excellent points. I can't imagine how much more stressed I'd have been during the baby making years without my bigger kids.

 

Really good post Jill.

[Zelda]

I don't really see how sending some of the kids to ps would help. Your sig line indicates that there would still be littles at home. I have a friend who one year was homeschooling some, had some in ps, and some under the school age a home & that combo just about put her over the edge. It was the worst of all worlds. You end up having to deal with all the school stuff AND with the ones at home. School does not make things any easier from the people I've seen who put their kids in - they're still worried, still running around, still sleep deprived. In fact, more so.

 

I'd find another counsellor - preferably one who understands attachment parenting, even if you're not an attachment parent, because they TEND to understand homeschooling better. And I ditto the idea of going alone.

 

A lot of counsellors think that if you just stop breastfeeding/cosleeping/homeschooling yadayada, it will all magically get better. Um, no. Things just change & sometimes the change is awfully hard & sometimes the end result is a lot more work for everyone.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't know if you have or haven't but I have done the public school, littles at home thing. Its a lot of picking up/dropping off...more than one location but sometimes at the same time...working in the classroom, open house, field trips, fund raisers. That doesn't even mention the hours of homework that is essentially YOU TEACHING THEM AT HOME...only after dinner and not the subjects of your choosing.

 

I'm not saying the school is or is not the wrong choice for you. Just make sure your husband realizes that there's more to it than you might think. Best wishes on a satisfactory resolution to a tough situation.