JAWM: I should probably stay away from Facebook

[kentuckymom]

I'm not sure what category of friends I hate more on Facebook right now: The ones bragging about their kids who are getting straights A's and scored distinguished in last spring's K-Prep testing or the ones posting things about how awesome their homeschool day was and how #homeschoolrocks.

 

I know they're not actually trying to make me cry, but that's what they're doing. I'm sitting here with a kid who is making B's with a ton of effort and crying about school every.single.day. And I'd love to homeschool him, but I can't because DH is vehemently opposed despite my years of arguing and pleading.

 

I should clarify here that I love my husband and in every other way he is totally awesome. This is not some kind of religious "wives submit to you husbands" issue. This is a general agreement we had even before we had kids that our kids would be educated in the public schools barring some really extreme circumstance. My educational philosophy has changed. His has not, and the kid not working up to his potential and crying every day is not extreme enough for him.

 

This is why I almost never brag about my kids on Facebook and, when I do, I always feel the need to qualify it. Like when I posted about my 4 year old learning to ride a bike without training wheels I reminded people that, sure she has awesome gross motor skills, but it's still hard to understand her after 2 years of speech therapy. I still may have made another parent cry, but at least I tried.

[catz]

I totally agree when FB is stressing you out at this level, it is time to walk away.  If it's just a person or 2, it's probably their tone and you can hide their posts, unfollow, or unfriend. 

 

Nobody's life is sunshine and roses all day every day.  I think some people do just post positive stuff on FB.  Which is totally fine.  If you don't want to read it, don't.  If you want to show off your kid a little, go ahead.  I really think these posts are about tone "Johnny learned to ride his bike today!" vs. "Johnny is the most co-ordinated kid in his pre-school and puts the other kids to shame.  We're looking at athletic scholarships now".    I personally love when parents share about their kids.  When they're obnoxious and putting down other kids or stating their own kids superiority, that's when I go into unfollow mode.

 

Has your son been evaluated for LD's?  No kid should be crying due to school daily and I would follow up on that.  I'd be talking to teachers and maybe looking at getting evals. 

 

Empower yourself to make some positive changes if you're not happy with the way things are going.  Other people can not make you unhappy just by sharing their own joys.  Even if they're obnoxious.  Look hard why you're feeling this way.  Could you be suffering from depression?  :grouphug:

[Liz CA]

Have never been on FB and dh uses it for his golf club mainly and to stay in touch with family.

This kind of bragging is not necessarily confined to FB even though now it has gone digital. I am reminded of the annual Christmas letter by a family that just had fantastic experiences and only lucrative promotions year after year.

 

What Sadie said: Focus on the good, on the gifts, - if you are a believer - on His grace and provision. I have to tell myself that same thing over and over again.

[kentuckymom]

Further clarification: my son is dyslexic and has had four years of intense intervention, so school is actually much better for him than it used to be. What he's most likely to cry about is having to sit at a table for 6 hours a day with very few breaks and then having more work to do when he gets home. However, this year is making me take more seriously my longtime suspicions of ADHD. It's possible that the ramped up workload in 5th grade is just more than his brain can handle without help of some kind. Maybe I can drop Facebook and spend some time looking into that.

[kirstenhill]

<hugs>. Defintiely take a break! Facebook should be a fun way to keep up with friends/acquaintances/family. If people consistently post things I don't like for whatever reason, I hide them from my feed. But if it's pretty much everyone on your news feed that bothers you, then you'll be happier if you take a break.

 

Everyone posts what they personally want on FB, and no matter what anyone posts some people won't like it. Political, recipes, food pictures, games, too much positive stuff, too much negative stuff...I've seen various people complain about all of it.

 

I'm mostly a "positive stuff" poster and not because I want everyone to think my life is perfect or my kids are perfect. People who see us IRL know that is true. But I almost always post the "highlights" of my day to Facebook because that is what I want to remember, and what I want to have family and friends to know about. In general, I don't think most people really want to know about my clutter, my fruit fly problems, or how my preschooler threw a tantrum for an hour because I wouldn't take him to Target NOW to spend his birthday gift card...LOL

[Word Nerd]

I agree that you should take a break.

 

I like the positive posts about people's kids. I don't know why it's considered "bragging" when parents post about their kid making the honor roll but not when they post about their kid's great performance at a football game or gymnastics meet.

[DawnM]

You know what makes me feel better?  Going to people's FB pages who I KNOW have messed up kids and see THEM posting about how perfect their kids are.

Then I KNOW FB is just a place for people to flat out lie about their families!  :laugh:

 

I do post when my kids achieve something, but I try not to brag and I certainly do not post when they have messed up!

[zoobie]

Take a break if you need one. :grouphug:

 

I generally only post positive or funny things on FB. It doesn't mean life is perfect. I post the successes (not standardized testing...weird!), but performances or sports things. I don't post the colossal meltdowns (okay, maybe a toddler tantrum occasionally when there's a funny picture) or failures. I enjoy looking back at it like a blog. I'm sure your friends have crappy times each day too. The perpetually perky ones annoy me also. #soblessed makes me dry heave a little.

[Heatherwith4]

Yeah, take a break. I've had to do it before, for various reasons. :grouphug:

[Farrar]

It's easy to agree with you. Take a break. Suspend your account for now. Or make a day a month for catching up with it if it's important to you to see news from old friends.

 

I would also suggest that you work on this for yourself. While a few people are, indeed, trying to make their whole lives sound super awesome and make everyone else jealous and upset, those sociopaths aren't the norm. I share bad days too, but I do share the goods as well. Most of us are just sharing the good stuff because it makes us happy and we want friends to share in the joy and pride. It's not about you. You deserve to be able to brag about your kids and their awesome accomplishments and feel pride in those without qualifiers.

 

[Ausmumof3]

I'm not sure what category of friends I hate more on Facebook right now: The ones bragging about their kids who are getting straights A's and scored distinguished in last spring's K-Prep testing or the ones posting things about how awesome their homeschool day was and how #homeschoolrocks.

 

I know they're not actually trying to make me cry, but that's what they're doing. I'm sitting here with a kid who is making B's with a ton of effort and crying about school every.single.day. And I'd love to homeschool him, but I can't because DH is vehemently opposed despite my years of arguing and pleading.

 

I should clarify here that I love my husband and in every other way he is totally awesome. This is not some kind of religious "wives submit to you husbands" issue. This is a general agreement we had even before we had kids that our kids would be educated in the public schools barring some really extreme circumstance. My educational philosophy has changed. His has not, and the kid not working up to his potential and crying every day is not extreme enough for him.

 

This is why I almost never brag about my kids on Facebook and, when I do, I always feel the need to qualify it. Like when I posted about my 4 year old learning to ride a bike without training wheels I reminded people that, sure she has awesome gross motor skills, but it's still hard to understand her after 2 years of speech therapy. I still may have made another parent cry, but at least I tried.

That sounds annoying! Might be time for a facebook break.

 

I know that you know this but a b grade is absolutely fine. It sounds like your kid might have some perfectionist tendencies. It may be helpful to help him figure out what his strengths are and celebrate them when he's feeling down about academics.

[Peaceful Isle]

Ugh, facebook. A mom's self confidence drainer! 

 

I love keeping up with friends on fb, but really, I almost never get off the computer saying " I'm so glad I just wasted all that time on facebook". I almost always feel drained after looking at mom's that are skinnier than me, and have it all together ( or so they post it that way)

 

Anyways, I think a break from fb is in order for you. Instead, bake some cookies with your son, or watch your daughter enjoy her bath, or do family movie night together with popcorn. 

 

Your son sounds like he is really working hard to get his B's. Good for him! I never made great grades at all in school. :( It was so hard for me. I did get my BS degree in teaching finally, so it really doesn't matter how smart you are, it is how hard you try.

Hugs to you!

[Annie G]

I get it. It's hard to see everyone seemingly having fabulous lives.  But I don't post awful things on my Facebook page. That stuff is private to me and I don't feel the need to share that kind of thing on social media. I rarely share any of that here, either, except in a PM to someone.   I think most people present a Facebook persona that's not a good reflection of their real life...and I'm totally ok with that. 

 

If reading a few friends' posts are making you feel bad, consider temporarily not having their posts show on your feed. You can continue to enjoy other posts without these few bothering you.  It works wonders...I do it often, especially during election season. g

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Tsuga]

I agree with you. Facebook can be so unhealthy. Take a break. Also, can we all let KentuckyMom know that not all our kids are getting straight As?

 

Also, riding a bike without training wheels is awesome.

[MedicMom]

I don't pay attention.

My profoundly gifted 5-year-old hit two teachers and some kids today. I wanted so badly to homeschool him but I can't manage his behaviors at home.

 

So mostly I just don't post much about my kids anymore, and I take others' posts with a grain of salt. I could post all day long about my fantastically brilliant kid and leave out all the other junk; I suspect other people do the same.

 

Don't compare your outtakes to others' highlight reel.

[Arcadia]

:grouphug:

 

Quite a lot of my girlfriends are in sales and their Facebook page has to stay chirpy. Who wants to see not so great stuff on their Mary Kay representative facebook page for example.

 

I know of at least a handful of girlfriends who only post their kids grades when it is As. My teenage niece and nephew pages are still filtered but has a mix of the ups and the downs.

[trulycrabby]

Yep, time to take a break. No one's life is as perfect as she/he says it is. In fact, I have found that the ones who brag most seem to be the ones whose lives are total train wrecks. :grouphug:

[kewb]

Take a break and remind yourself that they are posting the highlights reel.

I struggle sometimes on Facebook and homeschooling sites because I have solidly average students. I read about so and so scoring perfect on his sat/act and still having time to go to Africa and perform surgery on babies.

Right now in my circle it is "where are they applying to college?" oh, special snowflake already has a full ride to super stupendous school.

It is easy to get caught up in the drama. Take the break and focus on what your child is successful at.

[Hyacinth]

I'm happy to agree with you. A FB break is often a good idea for many reasons!

 

And a reminder: Don't compare your behind-the-scenes reality with everyone else's highlight reel.

[sassenach]

I regularly deactivate FB for weeks to months at a time. I am also only friends with people who don't live near me. It's made a huge difference.

 

Right now my FB is deactivated because of a very painful friendship that has ended. I just need to be off for awhile. Probably until after Christmas at the earliest.

[Mergath]

I agree that you should probably take a break.  :grouphug:

 

And just remember that the people who post pictures of homeschooling stuff aren't trying to make you feel bad. It's more like, "This is the only non-awful thing I did today, and I know you don't want to see pictures of the gallon of cat puke I scrubbed out of the carpet or the plugged toilet I fixed or the mountain of dishes I washed, so behold this picture of an oasis made out of leftover Halloween candy and we'll all pretend I actually changed out of my pajamas today, mmmkay?" 

 

As for your dh, does he know how strongly you've come to feel about homeschooling? Would he be willing to agree to a trial year? A lot of husbands start out that way. ;) Documentaries like "Race to Nowhere" are also helpful.

[abba12]

 In fact, I have found that the ones who brag most seem to be the ones whose lives are total train wrecks.

 

That's because the ones who have the train wrecks appreciate and need those good moments so much more. When everything has gone terribly wrong all week, you want to scream from the rooftops when your child gets an A. Look, we did something right! Something is working well, our family/life isn't a total failure! But when life is generally ok, an A is great, but, not everyone needs to know about it, the contrast between normal and achievement is far less.

 

Also, why is it bragging to talk about your childs reading progress when your child is 4, but perfectly acceptable to talk about your childs reading progress when they are 6. Can't the parents of the 4 year old feel just as much pride and excitement as the 6 year old? Why do I have to keep our positives a secret, avoid them in conversation, and be sure to mention my child's flaws, just because they happened to do something earlier than their peers? It's always seemed pretty unfair to me that when the mothers of the 1st graders are talking excitedly about their children reading and how wonderful it is, I can't contribute and have to keep silent for fear of being seen as 'bragging', despite feeling the same joy and excitement they do.

 

I share our families positives with the world. We keep our negatives close to home. It isn't because we want to be seen as better or show off or be fake. But, our negatives are our vulnerabilities and, for my family our negatives are particularly bad, I don't want the world to see them, they're personal. But, damnit, after a week of fighting mental illness, of sick children and goals remaining untouched, amongst a messy house and cranky children, posting a picture of the 15 minutes of perfection we had doing a pinterest-worthy sensory box activity (that took every ounce of mental energy I had that morning to do) makes me happy, makes me feel like I am doing something right and have some small amount of control over my life, makes me feel like I might almost be keeping up with the women around me, and doing enough to not be a bad parent. And, ok, someone might see that picture and feel guilt that she's never done a sensory box ever, but she doesn't see that she's taken the kids to the park for an afternoon picnic that day, something which is completely out of my reach and capability to do. 

 

I trust that my friends realize I am talking about our highlights, just as I know they talk about theirs. I don't take it personally when a friend has a little brag about the amazing birthday cake she made for her child, because I know she spent the entire previous week sick on the couch with her chronic illness, just as she doesn't judge me (I hope) when I talk excitedly about having a perfect homeschool day the week before, because she knows I am doing it to deflect from the fact I haven't been mentally capable of a full day of school all week. And you don't even have to know what their downsides are to appreciate their positives. I listen to the stories of another friend who talks about her kids doing amazingly at school. I don't know her lifes negatives and I don't need to, but I trust she has them just like everyone else and I see her comments in that context. 

 

Would you rather see pictures of the bomb site of a lounge room I'm sitting in? Or of the children in food stained pyjamas at 3pm? If I posted those I'd be accused of looking for attention or feeling sorry for myself or something. There is such a thing as bragging, those awful people who say 'look at what we did' in a way that is obviously seeking attention and showing off, there's an attitude to it. But, posting a picture on facebook or sharing how excited I am for my kid isn't the same thing. Maybe you just need to take a little perspective.

 

Having said all that, it sounds like a break might be a good idea for you for awhile, if you're taking things personally and getting stressed and upset it's ok to just step away for awhile. 

[Reefgazer]

Would your DH be amenable to another type of school for your son?  That might make things easier for everyone if your DH would at least consider that.

Further clarification: my son is dyslexic and has had four years of intense intervention, so school is actually much better for him than it used to be. What he's most likely to cry about is having to sit at a table for 6 hours a day with very few breaks and then having more work to do when he gets home. However, this year is making me take more seriously my longtime suspicions of ADHD. It's possible that the ramped up workload in 5th grade is just more than his brain can handle without help of some kind. Maybe I can drop Facebook and spend some time looking into that.

 

[Butter]

If you are hating friends who are posting things that are making them happy, it is most definitely time to step away from Facebook for a while.

 

I like the posts that talk about awesome things kids have done.  I don't see it as bragging at all.  There is no need to qualify any achievement.  An achievement is an achievement.  Also, why can't you post about how awesome you son is doing getting all B's?  I've done that with my B student (who has dyslexia and dysgraphia and works super hard) and got lots of like and congratulations to him.  The thing is, I've also posted about the struggles with dyslexia and dysgraphia and how amazed I am at his work ethic and how hard he tries so my friends know B's are awesome for him.  Doing their best doesn't have to be straight A's and being proud of them doing their best doesn't have to be because they got straight A's.

[SquirrellyMama]

I agree that you should probably take a break.  :grouphug:

 

And just remember that the people who post pictures of homeschooling stuff aren't trying to make you feel bad. It's more like, "This is the only non-awful thing I did today, and I know you don't want to see pictures of the gallon of cat puke I scrubbed out of the carpet or the plugged toilet I fixed or the mountain of dishes I washed, so behold this picture of an oasis made out of leftover Halloween candy and we'll all pretend I actually changed out of my pajamas today, mmmkay?" 

 

As for your dh, does he know how strongly you've come to feel about homeschooling? Would he be willing to agree to a trial year? A lot of husbands start out that way. ;) Documentaries like "Race to Nowhere" are also helpful

 

 

Were you in my house on Tuesday? The only reason I changed out of my pajamas was to go to a church small group. If it hadn't been a new group I maybe would have stayed in my pajamas.

 

Kelly

[TammyS]

I totally agree that it sounds like you need a break from FB right now, because you are feeling tender (I always think of it as sunburned, the slightest touch hurts a ton).

 

I have just a hair thread of disagreement with you, though.....when your kids do something that you want to brag about, you don't have to qualify it.  No one wants the "bad" qualities bringing down everything good about them.  If your kids do something brag-worthy, then brag.  No need to make it less than the accomplishment that it is.  When it's time to deal with their struggles, then deal with those.  When it's time to brag about their accomplishments, then brag.  But those aren't the same times.

 

Also, as an aside.....I have a kid who is smart.  Like, really smart.  But that seems to come with OMG, I didn't know a human being can be this lazy.  And I have other friends with the same experience.  And we would ALL take your kid who works hard and tries hard over a smart kid ANY day of the week.  The kid who works hard will always do better in the long run, you can take that to the bank.

[SKL]

Just remember that people don't post the negative out of respect for their kids.  It doesn't mean they don't have trials or that they want to pretend things are better than they are.

 

I rarely post about my kids, and when I do, it's usually generic stuff, not praise.  However, I think all kids deserve a pat on the back sometimes - a facebook-public one at that.  Family and close people like to know these things.  With some people on fb posting every time their kids blow a successful fart, you shouldn't hold back on your kids' real milestones IMO.

[TammyS]

It's easy to agree with you. Take a break. Suspend your account for now. Or make a day a month for catching up with it if it's important to you to see news from old friends.

 

I would also suggest that you work on this for yourself. While a few people are, indeed, trying to make their whole lives sound super awesome and make everyone else jealous and upset, those sociopaths aren't the norm. I share bad days too, but I do share the goods as well. Most of us are just sharing the good stuff because it makes us happy and we want friends to share in the joy and pride. It's not about you. You deserve to be able to brag about your kids and their awesome accomplishments and feel pride in those without qualifiers.

 

I also think that people don't post negative stuff to FB not because they are trying to make themselves look better than they are, but because many people use FB in such a "wide" way (that is, they have several hundred friends, many of whom they've never even met) they don't feel that it's appropriate to share the negative stuff.  People are naturally private about negative stuff and share it only with close friends and family.  I think it can be helpful to just know that many people use FB as their "Yay!" page, not as a representation of their whole lives.

[SKL]

I participate in some secret forums that are more "real."  Like the adoption one where we share experiences and ideas for really difficult things.  Many of the posts begin with "I can't post this on my wall...."

[Word Nerd]

I also think that people don't post negative stuff to FB not because they are trying to make themselves look better than they are, but because many people use FB in such a "wide" way (that is, they have several hundred friends, many of whom they've never even met) they don't feel that it's appropriate to share the negative stuff.  People are naturally private about negative stuff and share it only with close friends and family.  I think it can be helpful to just know that many people use FB as their "Yay!" page, not as a representation of their whole lives.

 

:iagree:

[Hikin' Mama]

I also think that people don't post negative stuff to FB not because they are trying to make themselves look better than they are, but because many people use FB in such a "wide" way (that is, they have several hundred friends, many of whom they've never even met) they don't feel that it's appropriate to share the negative stuff. People are naturally private about negative stuff and share it only with close friends and family. I think it can be helpful to just know that many people use FB as their "Yay!" page, not as a representation of their whole lives.

This is me. Although I don't post much about my kids, because they are all adults and I feel like they should share their own stuff. It's not mine to share. I try to only post things on the light side on FB. Honestly, I think there is a lot of oversharing there, and I would rather share the hard and personal things with a couple close friends. That doesn't mean I have nothing hard in my life. It means I'm a private person and like to keep it private. Often it involves other people. Again, I don't think it is right to share other people's stuff. I also don't post my hard and personal stuff here. That's just how I am.

[texasmama]

I also think that people don't post negative stuff to FB not because they are trying to make themselves look better than they are, but because many people use FB in such a "wide" way (that is, they have several hundred friends, many of whom they've never even met) they don't feel that it's appropriate to share the negative stuff.  People are naturally private about negative stuff and share it only with close friends and family.  I think it can be helpful to just know that many people use FB as their "Yay!" page, not as a representation of their whole lives.

This is how I use it.  I don't want to share my health issues, one kid's ASD, the other kid's anxiety, and my extended family issues with 462 of my "closest" friends.  I have friends who "overshare" on FB, and that does not bother me. I offer support because I think that is what they need.  

 

But what you will see on my FB page are kid and pet pics, and the occasional funny or meaningful meme.

[Haiku]

The thing that jumped out at me from your first post is that you felt a need to qualify your daughter's achievement of learning to ride a bike. You don't have to do that! I wave my fairy wand and give you permission to be happy and positive in a totally unqualified way about your kids' achievements. Your friends will be happy with you.

 

That said, if you need a break, by all means, take a break.

[kentuckymom]

Just wanted all of the encouragers to know that I feel encouraged. I don't know if was the site or my computer that was wonky, but I couldn't find this thread for awhile and just now read most of the posts. 

 

And to all of you who said that, when my kids do something great I shouldn't feel the need to qualify it, you're right! I won't do that anymore and I shouldn't have in the first place. I've gotten on Facebook a few times since my post, but I haven't stayed on long and haven't let great kid posts bother me.

 

As for homeschooling or another school.... yeah, still probably not going to happen, but we're trying to figure out if there's anything about our routine we can change to make life less stressful for DS.

 

He did have a great day on Thursday at a robotics competition, so the week wasn't all bad.

[Bootsie]

You are not alone in feeling this way when seeing the "highlights" of others on Facebook. 

 

http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/04/08/new-study-links-facebook-to-depression-but-now-we-actually-understand-why/

 

Research studies back this up.

[tiddles]

My dd cried every day because she hated school so much. I didn't even consider asking my husband's opinion - I took her out and homeschooled her for the rest of that year and she was so happy and relaxed. She also did extremely well on her testing/eval at the end of the year, and she is pretty average.

However, my dh is very easy-going..I'm not suggesting you do the same.

[Guest]

Something that I have come to understand about some of the "braggy" FB posts: many times I have known the backstory and that all is NOT well. And that there is an inability to communicate support from parent to offspring. Sometimes FB is the only means a parent has to reach out to the kid...to express support and goodwill.