Wedding vows - added "no vows" option

[LucyStoner]

I had completely forgotten about proxy. I do know of one instqnce of this in the previous generation on dh's side of the family.

 

My grandmother was forced to marry my grandfather on threats of a massive thradhing then shunning if she did not. She stood mute before the magistrate and her mother forged her signature right there in front of that guy, and he let it go, pretended not to see. Not pretty.

 

So no vows for my grandmother.

I am sorry about your grandmother.

 

Here is my family tale of a marriage brought about by parental insistence. My dad's grandfather got the idea that his good Catholic daughter had had sex with a GI she met at a base dance. The story goes this wasn't true, but he thought it was. My grandmother was 19. My grandfather was 30. My great grandfather went to the base, spoke to my grandfather's CO and supposedly my grandfather was ordered by his CO to marry my grandmother. Apparently he was happy enough to get married tho and would have done it without being ordered.

 

Regardless of if my great grandfather's suspicions were correct, it is true that my dad arrived ~42 weeks later. So if it were true, there's no way anyone would have known about a pregnancy, which is what he was so concerned about.

 

One theory is that my grandmother and grandfather may have let her father think they had gone too far because otherwise he'd probably never given his blessing for his 19 year old to marry an uneducated 30 year old GI from Texas who was not Irish and was not Catholic. He did convert to Catholicism and they raised their family in the church. My great grandfather didn't have any sons and so he took my grandfather into his business after the war. He worked in that business until he sold and retired. They were married 55 years if my arithmetic is correct. He died in 1997.

[Katy]

What a perfectly lovely story Lucy.

[Jenny in Florida]

We substituted lines from a shared favorite film for traditional "vows."

 

I remember them.

 

We've been married for 21 years, and, while ours is far from a perfect marriage, there are still things about those words that are meaningful to me.

[6packofun]

We wrote our own vows that I mostly remember in principle.  ;)  They were based on Scripture and some of our personal thoughts and did not say "I promise to do XYZ" because we felt that was making a vow we knew we wouldn't keep 100% and did not want to take it lightly.  So we said that with God's help we would strive to...stuff from 1 Corinthians 13 and Ephesians I think.  The guy who played the organ at our wedding asked for a copy because he'd never heard vows like ours.  (Huh, never heard Bible verses put into vows?  LOL) They were probably a tad too long but we liked them a lot.  :P

 

We've been married 22 years.

[HRAAB]

The Western Church has vows because according to its theology, the sacrament of marriage is not administered by the priest but by the parties. The form of the sacrament is the expression of consent by both parties.

 

We affirmed that our consent was freely given; that we understood the indissolubility of marriage except by death; and that we would accept the gift of children. Then we declared our consent to the marriage. Good old Roman-style legal formulae: clear and complete. (Fr. H. did insist that a couple of college students were perfectly capable of memorizing their vows, though, and wouldn't give us the "I do" option. Paulists....)

This. We memorized our vows. I was so nervous I gave dh the wrong hand for the wedding ring. But here we are 30 years later.

 

I did and still do take those vows very, very seriously.

[Xuzi]

In an LDS Temple ceremony, the Sealer asks if you accept this person as your spouse, and your obligation to them and to the Lord, and you say "yes", then a blessing is pronounced upon the couple. It's the exact same wording for every Sealing. The only difference from one ceremony to the next is that the Sealer can speak directly with the couple, sort of "off the cuff", prior to beginning the Ordinance, but once he begins it it's the same words for everybody. Beginning to end, my wedding ceremony was probably no more than 15 minutes. That makes it sound very bland, but I have many fond memories of my wedding, and wouldn't change a thing about it. :)

 

There's also no ring exchange, although couples can tack it onto the end, after the Sealer has said "Amen" and ended the official Ordinance. This was another part of traditional weddings I was glad to skip. DH and I had both been wearing engagement rings since our engagement, and I didn't want a wedding band (I personally find the two-rings-on-one-finger look unattractive, no matter how well they're made to match up), so we wore our engagement rings into the Ceremony, and they magically transformed into our wedding rings when we came out. :lol:

[fraidycat]

We used modern traditional vows - we had a choice between traditional, modern traditional (updated wording), or writing our own. We're not creative. :D

 

We've been married 14.5 years.

[Cindy in FL.]

First marriage at 19, shotgun wedding, traditional vows. Married for 5 years.

 

Second marriage at 31, no guns of any kind, traditional vows. Married for 21 years so far.

 

Took/take the vows fairly seriously. I am not fond of the obey part, because I don't hold to patriarchy and believe that there should be mutual submission in a marriage.

[Forget-Me-Not]

No vows for Mormons either.  My votes were the same as Orthdox6's.  Married almost 18 years.

 

This.  Right down to the almost 18 yrs part ;)

[Forget-Me-Not]

In an LDS Temple ceremony, the Sealer asks if you accept this person as your spouse, and your obligation to them and to the Lord, and you say "yes", then a blessing is pronounced upon the couple. It's the exact same wording for every Sealing. The only difference from one ceremony to the next is that the Sealer can speak directly with the couple, sort of "off the cuff", prior to beginning the Ordinance, but once he begins it it's the same words for everybody. Beginning to end, my wedding ceremony was probably no more than 15 minutes. That makes it sound very bland, but I have many fond memories of my wedding, and wouldn't change a thing about it. :)

 

Yes.  I would add that we usually use the term "covenant" instead of vows.  But promises are made, both to spouse and God. 

[gardenmom5]

I would be interested in hearing the reason LDS do not exchange vows.  

 

In case anyone is interested, Orthodox Christians do not exchange vows; the bride and groom are "crowned"  as king and queen of a new home, and their love is blessed as a perpetual union by the Church.  That's the short version.  I just got back from the Crowning of my godmother's son and his bride.  JOY JOY JOY.  (But mostly the reason I put in that last sentence was to state the Orthodox position...)  :0)  

 

to us, the sealing ordinance is a covenant between husband and wife - and God.  there is a vow/promise.  I take it very seriously.  

 

sealing ordinances - eternal marriage commitments, are only performed in LDS temples. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

We had a church wedding because we thought it was a better choice in case of rain.  We'd already bought a house together, and at the time, that was certainly a bigger deal than getting married.  I mean, we had a house together--I was stuck with that!  ;)

 

We later were saved, and the vows hold a lot more and very real meaning to me now than they did when we said them.

[Guest]

Thank you LDS ladies for responses. Interesting to me.

[Guest]

The vows thing re: whether one has kept them. I haven't. I fail daily in loving, honoring, cherishing. Oh, no affairs or anything one would expect from such a statement. But I am struck quite often with my selfishness (which autocorrect just made elf inseams" LOL) and inattention to my dh.

 

I guess I'm increasingly understanding that "marrying" someone is more of a progressive and continual act of self-giving than a mere "wedding"--and maybe the blessing of the mutual love and call to sustain that is at least...more realistic as a baseline. Not that I don't fail at that, too. Lord have mercy on my beloved dh.

 

Edited to make coherent.

[Tsuga]

I had two.

 

One was to my ex-h. I took those very seriously. I promised to be his wife forever, to love him no matter what, and to respect him. We had a nikah. Sadly, he did not take the vows as seriously. We were married for over seven years, and the last five were awful and I regretted every vow I made. "For worse, what the hell did I know about 'for worse'!?!?" I thought to myself.

 

The last time, I just said--"If you meet my kids, this is for the long haul, and if I move in, this better goddamn well be forever. If you don't plan on staying together forever for the sake of the kids, tell me now or I'll hate you with the hate only a mother can have towards a man who screws over her kids." I didn't make any promises to anybody because in my experience, life exists to show you how foolish your promises are. For worse? He'll commit serial adultery and leave you telling you living with you is worse than dying. With my current partner (entering the fifth year), we talked a long time about our expectations for the kids. When I moved in with my kids, he knew that I was serious and I was in it for real. From his side, he said the same but he'd already been in one live-together LTR before with the kids, so I told him I'd respect his kids as much as I respected my own (love has to grow, let's be honest, but I know I can commit for a kid, I can sacrifice, even if the love is not the same yet).

 

To be honest, he was full of "I'll love you forever" but I'm more counting on his patience, than his undying commitment and love. Commitment fades, love dies, but he's actually pretty patient and in some ways passive, and given that I don't scream, hit, steal, run away, or cheat, I figure he'll stick with it until I leave. And I know I'm committed because he's a good step-dad.

 

We also love one another but once you have kids, romantic love is not the priority. I make no promise but to love and protect my kids.

 

 

[KrissiK]

We've been married for 13 years. Had traditional vows. I don't remember them, but I do take them seriously!

[Veritaserum]

Ditto, except we've been married a few years longer.

 

I don't have many regrets about my 30 years as a Mormon, but I do regret not having wedding vows.

Yes, my LDS temple wedding is not one I reflect upon with fondness. It was a bad experience for multiple reasons. I really wish I had had a more personalized, less rushed ceremony to mark the beginning of marriage with my husband. We've been married for 16.5 years.

 

ETA: Despite being born and raised in the church and very devout, I had never seen an LDS temple wedding before I had my own. You're not allowed to attend sealing/wedding ceremonies if you haven't first been through two prior temple ceremonies. You're not allowed to participate in those two ceremonies unless you're an adult and (with few exceptions) either about to go on a mission for the church or about to get married in the temple.

 

I went through the first two ceremonies in the weeks leading up to my wedding. That did not give me enough time to attend the weddings of anyone else. So, all of the sealing/wedding ceremonies was completely new to me and there were some negative surprises relating to the required clothing and the wording/format. If I had grown up witnessing LDS temple weddings, I probably wouldn't have had such a negative reaction.

 

Not knowing what to expect beforehand led to anxiety and huge disappointments. I'm actually a fan of a simple, modern version of fairly traditional vows. I wish I had gotten to say those to my dh while standing on the beach. That was always my dream wedding, but it wasn't a viable option for an orthodox Mormon couple like we were at the time. Non-temple weddings are seen as lesser because they lack "proper" (i.e. LDS priesthood) authority and end at death.

[HS Mom in NC]

Traditional from the book of Ruth in the Old Testament of the Bible. "Where you will go I will go, where you lodge I will lodge. Your people will be my people and your God my God...God deal with me ever so severely if anything but death separates you from me."

 

Yes, we were aware they were originally stated by a DIL to her MIL but they conveyed the level of commitment we shared. That was 22 years ago.  We were Baptists then. We got married at my in-laws' house to keep the guest list to 45 people.

 

Yes, I believe God heard those words and holds me to them.  It's the only vow I've ever taken in my life and I take vow taking very seriously.  I think there are 3 acceptable reasons for divorce (adultery, abuse and abandonment) that would release me from those vows as long as I wasn't the guilty party.

After my husband left the faith and we were trying to figure out how to make the marriage work, the counselor asked us where were on the issue of staying married or getting divorced and why. " I said I would." was my answer. It took a long time, but we've made it work so far by the grace of God and my husband's willingness to try.

 

I'm so serious about vow taking I won't say the pledge of allegiance because I think there's the real possibility I may have to, at some time in the future, choose between God and country.   I don't think that's something anyone else should feel obligated to do, but I personally do.  I also stand respectfully during the pledge so as not to distract or disrespect others who see it differently.

If I were asked to swear in court I would decline on religious grounds and state that I would tell the truth. During the adoption proceedings they never asked us to swear to anything but they did ask us if everything we said during the proceedings and in the documents was true and asked if any undisclosed funds were given to anyone at any time, so it's never been an issue.
 

[TianXiaXueXiao]

My husband and I have been married 5 years. We wrote our own vows loosely based on traditional protestant vows (for a very pagan-friendly service) but with our own intentions and promises taking place of the things we thought sounded too traditional. We had a beautiful ceremony and I'm happy with the choices we made at that time given what we knew then. Now that we're Orthodox, I'd love to have our marriage blessed. We plan to do it in 5 more years if the bishop grants the request.

[Lawyer&Mom]

We used the service in the Book of Common Prayer. I would not want to write my own vows. I think ceremonies should reflect our common experience rather than our individual experience. (This is how you rebel after being raised by hippies in the woods.)

[Laura Corin]

We wrote our own vows, but I don't remember them in detail.  We had lived together for four years before we were married, so we already knew what we wanted from the match.  We were married among the redwoods in Northern California.  We have now been married for 23 years.

[Camelfeet]

Now vows here.  But then again I didn't care so much for a wedding at all and I'm not big on ceremony.  Been married almost 9 years.  

[PeachyDoodle]

This. We memorized our vows. I was so nervous I gave dh the wrong hand for the wedding ring. But here we are 30 years later.

 

I did and still do take those vows very, very seriously.

 

I did that too! He still teases me about it.

 

After the ceremony, my mother scolded us for giggling like schoolgirls the whole time. It's true that you can even see us on the video whispering at the kneeler when we are supposed to be praying. We were so young and excited to be getting married, we were positively giddy. Maybe it was irreverent, but I look back on it and think those kids were kinda sweet. :)

[foxbridgeacademy]

We used the standard secular version (at the courthouse). Do the vows themselves mean anything to me? No, not really..... not the way people usually think they should.  Do I love Jason? Will I always be with him, as part of a team, no matter what? You bet, I think I've proven that 1000 times over.  Words spoken during a quick ceremony so I could be on his insurance when I was pregnant with DD did not affect that one way or the other, it made no discernible difference to me.   For him, I think saying the words helped solidify our relationship in his mind.

 

We've been together for over 15 years, married for 12.

[shawthorne44]

We wrote out entire service.  We have many people tell us it was their favorite wedding ceremony they'd ever seen.  

We asked each other what we thought was the essential parts and it was "  'Do you?'  'I do'  'Do you?'  'I do'  'Kiss' (smooch)"  Everything else was a bonus.  Our close friend got a internet minister license and married us.  For those not having a religious ceremony, I highly recommend this route.  One less stranger at the wedding.  

 

He did promise to obey my every whim at the ceremony   :coolgleamA:   But, I don't hold him to that.  He mentioned that he thought it'd be amusing to hear me say I'd obey him.  Me, a redhead.  So, I inserted  'obey' into his part of the ceremony.  

[goldberry]

Sometimes divorce is a graduation, not a failure. I know not everyone perceives it that way. :) For this reason I'd write vows that could be kept even after divorce. That's the way I work. *shrug*

 

I get that some people do. As long as people are honest about it.  

 

In my answer, I was thinking about the OP question, do you take your vows seriously?  For me it wasn't so much about the words themselves, but about the mutual understanding we both shared about what "marriage" meant for us.  My friend I mentioned wrote her own vows and they were beautiful, but they wouldn't have meant the same thing to me as they did to her.  

[mommaduck]

Typical, traditional vows when we were married as Baptists. No vows during our marriage blessing in the Orthodox Church.

[dirty ethel rackham]

We chose one of the traditional options for a Catholic wedding Mass. 

I (name) take you (name) to be my wife/husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. 

We had the option to recite these or be asked this as a question and respond "I do."  We chose to recite them (after prompting from the priest, my mom's beloved uncle.)  We liked having those words come from our own mouths rather than agree with something someone else said.   I take these vows very seriously.  We both fall short in the love and honor part on occasion (for me, especially during a really bad PMS episode where I hate everything about my life.) 

 

 

Traditional from the book of Ruth in the Old Testament of the Bible. "Where you will go I will go, where you lodge I will lodge. Your people will be my people and your God my God...God deal with me ever so severely if anything but death separates you from me."

 

Yes, we were aware they were originally stated by a DIL to her MIL but they conveyed the level of commitment we shared. That was 22 years ago.  We were Baptists then. We got married at my in-laws' house to keep the guest list to 45 people.

 

 

We used a hymn based upon that passage during our marriage ceremony.  I don't hear it used often in church, but when do I hear it, I always squeeze dh's hand to let him know I still feel that way. 

[TravelingChris]

We used a traditional option and it may have been the same one ellen stated in the previous post she used.  We were married in the Catholic church but there was no vows about children. We left the Catholic church a few years later. We have been married 30 years this month.

[AnnE-girl]

We said the traditional Catholic vows. I can't even remember if we had the option to write our own (We were married in the somewhat liberal campus church of the Catholic college where we met.) but I wouldn't have wanted to if we could. I really liked that we used the same words that our parents and grandparents and many other family members who showed us great examples of marriage had used before us.

 

I'm by no means perfect when it comes to honoring my husband every moment of every day, but overall I think I've kept my vows pretty well. We celebrated our tenth anniversary in May, and we've been together for almost 13 years.