amyx4 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I would appreciate some advice. My sister (golden child) finally decided to have a child at 40. She's coming into town and wants my kids to hang out with the baby at a park one afternoon. She didn't mention bringing my narcissist mother who I haven't had contact with in about 3 years. I talk to my sister about once a year and haven't seen her in a couple of years. Since she's had the baby, she calls more. We've spoken six times in six months. Mostly she does all the talking and never asked about me, dh, or kiddos. My kids don't really remember her. Anyway, she lives for facebook. I'm not too keen on her taking pictures of my kids with her baby and plastering them all over facebook for my mom's benefit or my sister's fantasy world. So do I say no pictures please? Do I ask her not to use my kids names on her account? Or do I just suck it up figuring I won't see her again for a while? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Would it be possible to have a sitter stay with your children while you meet your sister at the park? If not, then enforce a "no photos of my children" policy. Won't enhance the relationship; however, neither will it lead to future strife if/when your sister posts pictures of your family without permission. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Quite honestly, to her that is probably the point of the visit.if you don't allow it you will have a scene. The fantasy is better than the reality.I might have an emergency that day. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I can imagine really wanting to meet this new niece/nephew. That is one reason why I suggest a babysitter for her own children. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beircheart Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Your kids -> Your rules. Just be sure you have well thought out explanations/justifications for why you want things they way you want them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 If you lay down rules, will your mother or sister abide by them? If it were me, one or more of my children would come down with a nasty bug that day and all would have to be left home with a sitter (or DH). You know, for the sake of the baby's health and all. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Do you really want to see her? I ask because it's hard to read in your post. Calling her the "golden child" doesn't speak to a relationship that you want to continue. If you're not sure you want to see her, it's okay to say no, or to find something pressing that you must do when she's in town. So, if you want to see her, then I'd probably be clear about a few things. First, if you don't want to see your mother, then say so. If you need a reason, tell your sister that you haven't seen or spoken to your mom in a long time, and that you don't want that reunion to color your first visit with your new niece or nephew. Next, if you don't allow pictures of your kids on Facebook - then that won't really be a surprise to your sister. Everyone I know knows that I don't do Facebook, and we don't allow images of our children posted online. So it's never a surprise, I'm just very clear about it. (Of course, if you do Facebook, and you post pics of your kids online, then I have no idea how you can easily tell your sister that it's okay for you to post, but not her?). 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 tmi 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 If you do not want to see your sister, it is okay not to. It is okay to see her without your kids. It is okay to bring your kids and ask her not to take pictures It is okay to leave if she takes pictures after you ask her not to. Any of these things are okay. You are empowered to make decisions that work for your and your kids. Sit with the question - Do I really want to see my sister and the baby? If the answer to that is no, the rest becomes more clear. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Your mother will not be at the park, right? You just don't want your mother to see pics of the kids on FB, and that is part of the issue here. Is that correct? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I would either go without my kid or intervene to prevent pictures being taken. I would not allow pictures to be taken with the proviso that they not be posted online--it sounds like she is vanishingly unlikely to stick to that, even if she commits to it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Your sister sounds interestingly just as narcissistic as your mother. Sure you want to continue this relationship? I agree with get the babysitter for your kids (without notice to sister) or have hubby take on special event they've have planned for a while and go see sister and baby on your own. Running interference on pictures that day with her is likely to be a nightmare and you can't stop her from posting once she has them. Avoid the nightmare before it starts. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyx4 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 My dh had that as scheduled day off. I mentioned that to sis so it would get back to my mom. Mom is generally afraid of my dh. Im not on facebook because of my extended family. Im ok with a short visit with my kids present because sis isnt interested in them. I agree this is probably a photo opp. Thanks 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 :grouphug: Hugs to you. This is going to be hard no matter what. Will the kids be hurt that their aunt is not interested in them? My kids have been baffled by that by our narcissistic relatives. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 nm 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I can imagine really wanting to meet this new niece/nephew. That is one reason why I suggest a babysitter for her own children. I would frame it as a chance to get some sweet baby snuggles and catch up with the sister without the distraction of my own little darlings. That way she gets complete and total focus on her own baby (which is probably what she would prefer) and you don't have to worry about your childrens' boundaries being crossed with pictures or whatnot. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyx4 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 I did invite her to my home. There was a long involved health related story about how she couldn't drive 30 m. She's never done anything offensive so there hasn't been a reason to cut off contact. She has lived out of state for 20 years. I'm just very caution with her because she's very involved with my mom. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 You know, IME, just because she is the golden child doesn't mean she is a jerk or narcistic. I think you are wise and good to take her on her own level. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I did invite her to my home. There was a long involved health related story about how she couldn't drive 30 m. She's never done anything offensive so there hasn't been a reason to cut off contact. She has lived out of state for 20 years. I'm just very caution with her because she's very involved with my mom. If she's never done anything offensive to you, perhaps she might be more willing to abide by your boundaries than you think. She may also have an entirely different relationship with your mom and not really understand the problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Your kids -> Your rules. Just be sure you have well thought out explanations/justifications for why you want things they way you want them. explanations/justifications for an answer are generally seen as a leverage point to stick their foot in the door to arguing to get what they want. keep it simple. no pictures. no ifs, ands, or buts. and leave when the camera comes out. I guess I'm wondering what the goal of the visit is for YOU. something good to think about it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 (therapist hat) OP, I hear an underlying current of fear regarding these relationships which seems to be based on you feeling disempowered in your relationship with your mother. I would encourage you to examine whether or not your sister is a safe person for you to have a relationship with. It seems that the sister relationship is contaminated by the mother relationship, and that is worth a look to see if it can be separated out and some good things salvaged with your sister. If not, that is okay, but that would be my next mental step. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 If I went I would take my husband along to meet the new baby, play with the kids, and help with anything that might come up. Decide how long you are going to stay before you go and plan to get ice cream on the way home. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 BOUNDARIES by Cloud and Townsend is an excellent book/tool for setting healthy boundaries. Many libraries have a copy. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I did invite her to my home. There was a long involved health related story about how she couldn't drive 30 m. She's never done anything offensive so there hasn't been a reason to cut off contact. She has lived out of state for 20 years. I'm just very caution with her because she's very involved with my mom. That's totally reasonable. So go by yourself, and think through a simple way to say, 'no pictures' if you don't want pictures of you out there. Maybe even 'Hey, no pictures of me, please' if she pulls out her phone. If pressed say, "I prefer not to." Don't go any further or you will get embroiled in madness type stuff. Smile the whole time. Change the subject. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 If she's never done anything offensive to you, perhaps she might be more willing to abide by your boundaries than you think. She may also have an entirely different relationship with your mom and not really understand the problems. Meeting her without your children might provide an opportunity to discuss some things. To get a feel for whether being a parent has changed the way she thinks about things. To see the reaction on her face when you tell her about your personal rules for fb. Easier to get in the car and leave if mom shows up. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 "Please don't take pictures of my kids." You might also straight out tell her, "I have no contact with Mom. If Mom shows up at the park we'll leave immediately." During the long-winded monologue/phone calls just interrupt. "So, anyway, listen, did I tell you about .... [insert story about you/your family]" She might not realize she's dominating the conversation. She might be talking on (and on and on) because of nerves, or poor social skills, or feeling uncomfortable with lulls in the conversation or whatever but have absolutely no ill intent. I have someone in my life that I adore who tends to do this. Just interrupt. It's really okay. To me, it sounds like your sister is trying to reconnect. It sounds like she'd like to get to know your kids better and introduce her new baby. It sounds like this is a relationship worth pursuing. :grouphug: Family is complicated. Disclaimer: I've moved in and out of the Golden Child role for years and I'm lousy at keeping in touch. I'm not evil. I'm someone worth knowing. I'm glad that my big sister (the Scapegoat) loves me anyway :001_wub: 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 :grouphug: Family is complicated. Disclaimer: I've moved in and out of the Golden Child role for years and I'm lousy at keeping in touch. I'm not evil. I'm someone worth knowing. I'm glad that my big sister (the Scapegoat) loves me anyway :001_wub: Shiny, this is me and my sister (except I'm the big sister). OP, you might want to have a private conversation with your sister. My sister and I realized several years ago that we each thought the other was the golden child. It was a very enlightening conversation. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 It might be that your DH has something special planned for your DC that he sprang on you that morning, mightn't it? Then you'd have to go by yourself, I suppose. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 None of us want the baby to pull short stick. We want Aunt to show her love to this new little person! OP's sister might want nothing more than this. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 My dh had that as scheduled day off. I mentioned that to sis so it would get back to my mom. Mom is generally afraid of my dh. Im not on facebook because of my extended family. Im ok with a short visit with my kids present because sis isnt interested in them. I agree this is probably a photo opp. Thanks Not for anything, but your sister sounds as narcissistic as your mother. Why would you want to have anything to do with someone who calls you once a month to talk only about herself and her own life, and who won't even be interested in your kids when they are standing right there in front of her? I hate to say this, but I wouldn't bother to go and meet her at all. I can't imagine you will go home feeling glad you went. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Like a PP said--- I would go, but the children would have something contagious that forces them to stay at home. This comes from the child of a BPD mother and I also was the sometimes Golden child sometimes scapegoat 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Not for anything, but your sister sounds as narcissistic as your mother. Why would you want to have anything to do with someone who calls you once a month to talk only about herself and her own life, and who won't even be interested in your kids when they are standing right there in front of her? In fairness, she might be interested now that she has one of her own. Lots of people without children really don't know how to relate to them at all. It doesn't mean that they are narcissistic. Necessarily. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I would go without the kids. Meet baby, bring baby a small gift. I would go enjoy your sister, you never know when she might get sick and tired of narcissistic mom and want to cross over from the dark side into the light. :) If you do bring the kids, I would tell her ahead of time that no one (not her, mom, great aunt betty, etc) is to take picture of your children. Calmly, explain that you don't want your kids pictures out of your control online. If she starts to argue, ask her if it's more important to visit with you or take pictures of the kids? Because if she argues, then there will be no visit. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renai Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I've learned through the Naugler fb shenanigans that if someone posts pics of your kids without permission, you can get fb to remove the pics. Not that it helps your overall dilemma... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Being the Golden Child is a character flaw of the relative that chose them, not the actual person. She likely had no say in the matter. It's worse for the golden child. They feel all the social awkwardness AND their siblings hold it against them. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 tmi 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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