How much do you argue with older, bigoted relatives?

[Farrar]

Do you bother? Does the age of the person matter? Do you just refuse to engage? Do you argue? How much do you push? I'm curious how others deal with this.

 

I am bracing myself for my trip to small town Georgia to see relatives. I tend to swing back and forth on this. I usually don't say anything to my grandmother. She grew up picking cotton and peanuts in the Great Depression. I mean, her life experience is just so radically different from anything I feel like I can speak to. I love her, she's a relic from another time. And she's not vocal about anything except how much she loves us all. All her racist remarks are so offhand. It's not like she sits there ranting or trying to get us to agree. She'd rather talk about a million other things. But the people who are younger... And many of them do feel like I should engage with them in conversation. When I was younger, I used to argue, but I don't really anymore. Still, it always feels bad for the soul to hear people say horrible things. Like this gem from last year (or two years ago?): "White people can't kill black people. Everyone knows black people kill white people and each other." I think I said, "Well, that's clearly not true," and left the room. And then I promptly tried to deprogram the children. "Children, some people are racist. Can we recognize our privilege?" But I always just feel dirty hearing stuff like that.

[kitten18]

I don't. We go visit family once a year and I just try to not engage. I start talking to someone else or leave the room.

I have to bite my tongue but I know pointing out their bigotry would not change them.

[mommaduck]

No, I don't. It's pointless. Honestly, people are more likely to listen to an unrelated person. Since moving back here (moved away as a young child...SC), I've learned that there is absolutely NO point in arguing or debating with with older Southerners. Many are set in their ways and they don't care what others think or believe. Many more simply don't want any disputes...holding to the "no religious, political, or social debates" view; they just want to enjoy being with people on the grounds of family or neighbours. It's tough, especially for those of us that have either very strong feelings and/or are used to groups that enjoy such discussions on intellectual grounds.

[kewb]

Rule number 1: Do not engage.  It is just not worth it.

Rule number 2.  See rule number 1.

[dirty ethel rackham]

If they are commenting in an off-hand way, I'll disagree in an off-hand way and change the subject.  As in your example ... <Grandma> "You can't go out anymore since all black people want to kill white people."  <Me>  "Now that is a generalization simply doesn't hold true.  BTW, can I get your recipe for those awesome tea cookies?"  I would do this not to change the person's mind, but to be an example for my kids about standing up for what is right and disagreeing, but not being disagreeable.

 

Now, if I had an ornery relative who was ranting and raving, I would not engage and not spend much time with them.  

[DawnM]

I will be seeing some racist relatives over July 4th.  I don't say much.  Only a couple of them are bad and the worst one has bad dementia, so arguing would be pointless anyway! 

[mommaduck]

Like dirty ethel rackham, I have done the off handed remark. My 91yr neighbour went off on Catholics (I'm Orthodox...to a Baptist like her, there isn't much difference); this was part of a preaching at me session (because I'm such a heathen that she can't understand. You know, she reads the Bible and doesn't have to do anything for her Salvation, hint, hint towards me...sigh). I promised my other 90yr old neighbour that I wouldn't argue with that one anymore, because it's not worth it nor worth our peace. So the only remark I made was that "yes, I can see where you are coming from and that you have a lot of misunderstanding and assumptions about Catholics". I left it there and stared off into space until she realised that we were ignoring her and she decided to go home.

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree that relics from another time get a pass.  My husband and I had relatives raised in the South who were very elderly and we didn't engage.  No point in it.

 

The younger relatives from The South are ignored when they make comments (rare) and we change the subject as a group to derail their nonsense. But they visit us here in the Southwest (not culturally part of The South for our international readers) because none of us likes being in The South for a whole host of reasons related to southern cultural norms. We usually avoid politics, religion or social issues with people anyway.

[Farrar]

I don't bother. But I also walk away. And try to avoid the person/people in question for the rest of their lives...so, not a helpful answer, i guess.

 

In a way, it's ageist not to argue with them if you'd normally argue with a younger bigoted person.

 

That's interesting. I guess I feel like there are people who I wouldn't argue with because of situation and context - like, I wouldn't argue with a homeless person about solutions for homelessness. That's probably a bad example, but I guess I'm just saying to me it's not so much her age, it's her context. If my other grandmother was still alive, I'd argue with her. She grew up middle class and was an artist and an opera singer and was well traveled. She had enough life experience that I would feel like she could have a true conversation about something. This grandmother has a 6th grade education. I admire that she raised her kids and I love her positive attitude toward life and family despite all the crap life has thrown at her. I feel like she has, in a way, earned the right to just be old and not be challenged.

 

But, to be clear, I don't ever argue with her. The example I gave was someone younger. Closer to my father's generation, though not even as old as my father. In other words, someone who could potentially know better.

[Farrar]

Also, if the consensus is no one argues (and, really, I don't disagree - like I said, I don't argue either), how do you leave feeling good after someone says something just horrible like that?

[mommaduck]

If you stay long enough to move on from that person or those comments, you can feel good about the rest of the day, perhaps? It's hard. I never feel good about those parts. I try to hope that the rest of the time can be redeemed. Sometimes you have to shake your head. Other times, you have to laugh (later, of course).

[Farrar]

This time I'll have dh to vent to.

 

I do wonder sometimes if I should say more a little more forcefully. I feel complicity racist sometimes just listening to this sort of thing.

[nevergiveup]

If, by standing by mutely, the other person could take that as an unspoken agreement to their bigoted remarks, then yes, I speak up.

If they are spouting off to hear themselves talk, then probably no.

I guess it depends on the circumstances.

[mommaduck]

I've felt the same :( Down here, it's like a game that's played. There are situations you can stand up and scream. There are those that you are expected to keep your mouth shut around unless you truly want to be isolated in the extreme and you might be biting the hand that helps you or hires you. Back to Plantation Mentality.

[MEmama]

We don't bother aguing or trying to engage with our southern relatives. They are openly racist, some because of hatred, some out of a complete lack of hearing their own words, some because they've allowed themselves to be brainwashed, and all because it's still generally acceptable in many areas (and certainly was when they were growing up). Their words come from ignorance and there isn't anything I can say or do to change a lifetime of seeing the world a certain way.

 

I struggle with the idea that older people should get a pass just because they are older and have different experiences. I don't agree with it, but I do follow it.

 

I wish I had a solution to feeling better after hearing the ugliness come out of the mouths of people I otherwise love, but I don't. I guess I can find peace that despite hearing the words all our lives, we don't share them, and our son doesn't share them.

[Farrar]

If, by standing by mutely, the other person could take that as an unspoken agreement to their bigoted remarks, then yes, I speak up.

If they are spouting off to hear themselves talk, then probably no.

I guess it depends on the circumstances.

 

I think they assume that I do agree with them. I feel like the reason anyone says anything to me at all is because they expect that I'll agree. To them saying something like, "Black people are so violent," or something horrible like that is like saying, "Gosh, it sure is hot today." Because, why would you disagree that it's hot when it's central Georgia. It's probably a hundred degrees. And why would you disagree that black people as a whole are bad, because, I'm pretty sure in their minds, it's just as obviously true.  :thumbdown:

[Slipper]

For me, it depends on the person and the age (and overall health). My grandfather used the 'N' word freely but never as an insult. He and I had a great relationship, so I just cheerfully told him, "People don't use that word any more Gramps" and continued whatever discussion we were having. He had dementia, so I repeated myself several times (mostly for the sake of those around us, including our kids). 

 

My Dad called me out of the blue a few years ago and told me that if I ever let my children marry someone of another color, our family would no longer be tolerated in his house. He said that the children would be welcomed and loved, but the rest of us would not be welcome. I laughed and told him that I wouldn't dictate who the girls fell in love with and I didn't care if they were purple and from another planet. I told him that I would remember his comments and respect his wishes that we all stay away if the girls became involved in that type of relationship. (It hasn't come up again and I'm not sure why it came up then). 

 

Friends and relatives of "our" generation? (40's and below) If I hear a comment, I give them a shocked look and shake my head sadly saying, "Wow, I didn't know there were actually people our age who actually believe that type of crap" and change the subject.

 

All of these things are followed up with long conversations with our kids. 

 

(For demographics sake, we live in a small town in Alabama. After having a friend of color over to visit, someone spray painted "the KKK is back" on the stop sign at the end of our road. We still have a looong way to go.)

[MEmama]

I think they assume that I do agree with them. I feel like the reason anyone says anything to me at all is because they expect that I'll agree. To them saying something like, "Black people are so violent," or something horrible like that is like saying, "Gosh, it sure is hot today." Because, why would you disagree that it's hot when it's central Georgia. It's probably a hundred degrees. And why would you disagree that black people as a whole are bad, because, I'm pretty sure in their minds, it's just as obviously true. :thumbdown:

To me, there's nothing that can be said. It IS true to them, so trying to argue would be futile. Silence doesn't always mean you are complacent or that you agree, it can be used very pointedly to show the opposite (not that they'll notice).

[Guest]

I don't bother and don't let it bug me. Not worth the energy.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wouldn't bother.  Can't say it happens pretty much ever though.

 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I used to just choose a collection of stock phrases and repeat with a smile and a shrug, and follow up with a change of subject. It made my elderly relative think I was a non-thinker and slightly nutso but my children got to hear me say something without turning it into WW3.

 

"Oh, Grandpa, you know I don't believe that."

 

<Grandpa elaborates on tirade b/c I'm obviously stupid>

 

"(Shrug) I know but I just don't think so (offers pie and coffee)."

 

<harrumph, turns back to paper, obviously stews and says something else later in the day>

 

"Well, not me but I don't live around here, so. (asks about favorite boxer's last bout)"

 

<glares but drops it, reminds me as I leave to watch my six and lock my doors and I agree>

 

 

[MyThreeSons]

Most of these responses make me so sad. Not because so many just walk away, change the subject, etc. -- I get that. It really is the best way in many cases, I'm sure. It's just so sad that there are so many people who cannot engage in a civil discussion with someone who has a different viewpoint. 

 

I am a transplant to SC. I was told today that I have no right to speak about the flag issue.

 

I am pretty much decided that I am going to stay away from an annual 4th of July event at a friend's house that I have enjoyed in past years. I don't know that I will be able to keep my mouth shut, and I don't want it to be a divisive event because of me. 

[MyThreeSons]

Racism, sexism, homophobia - they aren't just 'different viewpoints'.

 

There are plenty of things I can talk about with people where we have differing view points. I don't feel obliged to put on my 'this is valid' hat re racist remarks.

 

You know, I just confided to a friend that I am weary. This past week has been such a roller coaster of emotions for me. I was hopeful, and now I am seeing even worse willful ignorance than before. 

 

You're right -- different viewpoints is too nice of a way to say it. 

[Danestress]

I grew up in the South, and ironically, it was my Midwestern relatives who said racist thing. As a kid I thought that was because they didn't really know any black people. I was around black people a lot, but I never saw any black people around their town. So I thought that was the problem. Now I know that there was obvious racism in my southern family too, but it was harder to see as a child because it was complicated by actual relationships.

 

I think there is a lot of space between arguing and being silent. I refuse to be silent in the face of ugly racist comments. I was raised to respect my elders, but I think my respect for people being denigrated based in race, gender, religion, sexual preference etc, is important too. Every old person I know lived through the civil rights movement. They had the opportunity to think about their prejudices, learn about the way racism affects people, and maybe spend time trying to see what someone else's experience is like. If they chose not to do that, why should I be silenced out of respect for them? How much respect does that show for my black friends and neighbors? Why should I feel dirty keeping silence in the face of hatererd to protect the feeling of an old racist?

 

But not being silent is different from arguing. I can say, "it makes me so sad to hear you say that." Or "I really disagree." It not that I expect to change opinions, but I just refuse to pretend to agree. The difference between simply saying, 'I disagree' and saying nothing feels important to me.

[creekland]

I will be seeing some racist relatives over July 4th.  I don't say much.  Only a couple of them are bad and the worst one has bad dementia, so arguing would be pointless anyway! 

 

Ditto.  When we all were younger I'd argue and my in laws more or less hated me going so far as to call hubby up to tell him to get a divorce.  Every visit was stressful and, of course, I could do nothing right.

 

Over time I learned not to argue.  It was pointless.  I'll still get a comment or two in, but try to be far more tactful about it.  Our relationship has improved - esp since it's been proven now that I didn't ruin either their son or their grandkids.  I still inwardly steam to be honest.

 

I console myself in knowing that generation is dying off.  Neither of their sons are racist, but will still admit to having to overcome thoughts mentally due to how they were raised.  They do it though, because they know it's right.  And the grandkids?  (My kids and their cousin)  Not a hint of racism - even demonstrated in online tests regarding race.  We did a ton of explaining in car rides on the way home and our kids got to see real people in their actual lives - not just people through a color screen.

 

It gives me hope for our world and it makes me feel like I've won one small (or larger?) battle.

 

how do you leave feeling good after someone says something just horrible like that?

 

There are far more horrible things I've heard.  One can't feel good hearing such things.  One shouldn't feel good hearing such things.

 

But one also comes to the realization that we live in the real world, not our ideal world.  Then we work to change what we can.  That's the next generation.  I got to do that with my kids (and to some extent hubby) and I get to work at it at school when it's an issue.  Fortunately, the kids at my school are mostly NOT racist.  It's great to see.

 

It's also great to see kids of differing races playing together and walking side by side where my in-laws live.  FIL's comment to hubby:

 

"See what I told you?  _____ are moving in.  It's not the same place you grew up in."

 

No, FIL, it's not.  Isn't that great?  (What I think, not what I say.  I say nothing or might say, "It looks like they're good kids.")

[Mimm]

I would not allow those kinds of comments around my kids. I will ignore a certain amount of bigotry around just me but not if it's constant. Around my kids, I will speak up. My dad thinks his racist "jokes" are funny but I guess he realizes I wouldn't appreciate that around my kids so he keeps it away from them. My mother is less considerate with her homophobia. Fortunately these things don't come up too often. :(

[Tsuga]

Depends on the age. At a certain age, I'm just waiting for people to die. I would disagree, but leave. "Well, I can't agree with you on that!" and pass the bean dip.

 

However, if they're older but not elderly, let's say my mom's age, or in between, and raising kids, I will engage and try to have a kind but meaningful conversation with them. I don't respect my elders in that regard, though there are a lot of things I will shut up about, such as metaphysics. But when it comes to living human beings and their rights, I will not be quiet about it.

[ScoutTN]

None. Nothing Dh or I could ever say will change his parents' opinions.

 

However, my MIL especially is likely to launch a barrage of racist invective and I will speak up when she says something that my children hear because I think not doing so (for my kids at their current ages) would confuse my kids and not set a good example. The movie A Gentleman's Agreement comes to mind. Failing to challenge the wrong reinforces it.

 

When my kids are older and have more maturity, we may just let it go sometimes, but not now. Not arguing, just speaking truth. We are Christians and to not speak up would undermine the

Biblical teaching that every person is created in the image of God.

[6packofun]

No. I can honestly say that although I love all of my family members, the world is in some way better off now that those who have passed on have taken their bigoted opinions with them.  I used to think, naively, that once all the bigots died off that we wouldn't have to put up with such ingrained ideas, but I'm seeing that I was wrong.  We ARE becoming better, I truly believe that.  But I really thought that it was "mostly the older generations" and it is not.  As a Christian, I think it's sin that will, unfortunately, never totally be gone.  I am realizing some of my mom's views are pretty sad and I feel comfortable enough gently commenting, even correcting her.  But it's a touchy thing.  :(

[creekland]

FWIW, what helped my kids "see" the issue clearly was comparing the situation to animals.  We have pets and ponies, so perhaps this was easier for us.  They'd hear what their grandparents said, of course, but we'd talk with them about our dogs.  One was a Black Lab.  The other a Jack Russell mix.  Did we love one more than the other due to color?  Did their traits and personality come from their color?  We did the same with ponies - oodles of ponies here - up to 28 at once when we were at our height of breeding/raising/training.

 

Then I also shared some real life "seriously???" moments with them.  For one, we were in FL overlooking an ice skating ring in a mall.  MIL kept looking at the ring, then looking at her arm - back and forth.  I asked her if something was wrong.  "No," she replied, "I'm just trying to figure out if that girl down there is black or just has a dark tan."  Her whole opinion of that young lady was going to rest upon her decision.  Honestly, does that make ANY sense at all???  :confused1:   It didn't to my kids either.  It still doesn't.  Even young kids know what doesn't make sense and reasoning with them - giving them REASONS for why we believe as we do - is far more solid than just arguing points via statements.

 

I use the same reasons at school when/if it comes up.  I NEVER condemn a student for their statement or views - they are just parroting, after all, and condemnation merely solidifies what they think or makes it a battle.  I do, however, present my thoughts/reasons to the class (assuming what I heard or saw was in a class) and leave it at that.  I have seen considerable change.  

 

 

[J-rap]

Does it bother me?  Yes, a lot.  Do I say anything?  Rarely.  I always talk to my children afterwards about it though. 

[Alte Veste Academy]

an example for my kids about standing up for what is right and disagreeing, but not being disagreeable.

 

This is VERY important to me. 

 

 

[Audrey]

Do you bother? Does the age of the person matter? Do you just refuse to engage? Do you argue? How much do you push? I'm curious how others deal with this.

 

I am bracing myself for my trip to small town Georgia to see relatives. I tend to swing back and forth on this. I usually don't say anything to my grandmother. She grew up picking cotton and peanuts in the Great Depression. I mean, her life experience is just so radically different from anything I feel like I can speak to. I love her, she's a relic from another time. And she's not vocal about anything except how much she loves us all. All her racist remarks are so offhand. It's not like she sits there ranting or trying to get us to agree. She'd rather talk about a million other things. But the people who are younger... And many of them do feel like I should engage with them in conversation. When I was younger, I used to argue, but I don't really anymore. Still, it always feels bad for the soul to hear people say horrible things. Like this gem from last year (or two years ago?): "White people can't kill black people. Everyone knows black people kill white people and each other." I think I said, "Well, that's clearly not true," and left the room. And then I promptly tried to deprogram the children. "Children, some people are racist. Can we recognize our privilege?" But I always just feel dirty hearing stuff like that.

 

 

Oh... I don't.   These are the people for whom a well-placed and inflected "bless your heart" was invented. I use it liberally.

[mommaduck]

Oh... I don't.   These are the people for whom a well-placed and inflected "bless your heart" was invented. I use it liberally.

 

Wish I could bring you to meet my neighbours. The vapours they would come down with! Especially, if you brought the green hair ;) I would die laughing and happy.

[zoobie]

I don't argue. I have told them in no uncertain terms that they can either change the topic of conversation or I'm taking the kids and leaving. I've also said told two people not to use the n-word in front of us if they want us to stay. When they start veering toward dangerous territory, I say loudly, "SO! How about them Braves?"

 

ETA: My grandmother with advanced Alzheimer's will occasionally say the n-word. She would not have said it before her mind went. That we have talked about to the kids and they understand.

[Ellie]

Do you bother? Does the age of the person matter? Do you just refuse to engage? Do you argue? How much do you push? I'm curious how others deal with this.

 

I am bracing myself for my trip to small town Georgia to see relatives. I tend to swing back and forth on this. I usually don't say anything to my grandmother. She grew up picking cotton and peanuts in the Great Depression. I mean, her life experience is just so radically different from anything I feel like I can speak to. I love her, she's a relic from another time. And she's not vocal about anything except how much she loves us all. All her racist remarks are so offhand. It's not like she sits there ranting or trying to get us to agree. She'd rather talk about a million other things. But the people who are younger... And many of them do feel like I should engage with them in conversation. When I was younger, I used to argue, but I don't really anymore. Still, it always feels bad for the soul to hear people say horrible things. Like this gem from last year (or two years ago?): "White people can't kill black people. Everyone knows black people kill white people and each other." I think I said, "Well, that's clearly not true," and left the room. And then I promptly tried to deprogram the children. "Children, some people are racist. Can we recognize our privilege?" But I always just feel dirty hearing stuff like that.

 

Not at all.

 

I'd feel dirty hearing stuff like that, too, and I feel your pain, because you should be able to love your grandmother and want to hang on her every word. :-(

 

Arguing with people  like that is like wrestling with a pig: the pig enjoys it and you get dirty. Just don't.

[foxbridgeacademy]

If my children are around then yes, I will some what engage.  I don't want them to see me sitting there in silence.  So I will ask the offending person to not speak that way in front of my children or if they feel they must then please give us time to leave.  I don't want to argue with them, I won't argue no matter how much they want me to but I will make sure they understand why I won't listen to them.  I did tell the very inebriated and bigoted cousin of my step father that he was a full on idiot.  He's no longer allowed at family gatherings (my sister and I will leave if he shows up and step father likes us better). 

[Farrar]

I don't argue. I have told them in no uncertain terms that they can either change the topic of conversation or I'm taking the kids and leaving. I've also said told two people not to use the n-word in front of us if they want us to stay. When they start veering toward dangerous territory, I say loudly, "SO! How about them Braves?"

 

Hey, you must know my family! But this isn't safe territory since the Nats came to DC! My grandmother treats me like I'm saying something embarrassingly offensive when I talk about the Nationals.  :lol:

[lauraw4321]

I generally don't say much.  I walk away.  If really pushed for or asked for some kind of opinion, I give it.  Lightheartedly, but I give it.  That usually results in the end of that conversation topic.  :-)

[Farrar]

Several people mentioned their kids being there makes a difference. You know, I think it does for me too.

 

I do agree it's better to just leave it alone. I do wonder how things ever change that way though. One of the things I think it's important to teach our kids is to say something when they see someone doing something wrong. To speak up when people do something wrong. I mean, it's such an overwrought piece, but it's sort of true the old poem where it's like they came for this group and that one and I said nothing because they did not come for me.

 

Not that people making random racist statements is the same thing. It's just part of the feeling dirty. Sigh.

 

I'm lucky that my family members wouldn't be nasty back to me if I did argue with them. They would just think I was being a weirdo liberal. And maybe that I was going to hell for being a weirdo liberal.

[Sneezyone]

My dad occasionally has negative things to say about Mexicans and I challenge him on it every.single.time. It is not comfy. Occasionally it does get loud. My stepmom (who is Mexican, go figure) rolls her eyes. I would not have it any other way. That 'go along to keep the peace' feeling is not of God. I don't want to be complicit in his ignorance. I need him to know his view is in the minority. My father loves me BECAUSE I am willing to tell him the truth not in spite of it. He also wants to continue having a great relationship with his grandkids. I remind him that he raised me to be assertive, to think critically, to study and to learn, and that none of us is too old to be corrected (oft said in my childhood). ;) Typically, after we talk, he walks the stereotypes back.

[ebunny]

Do you bother? Does the age of the person matter? Do you just refuse to engage? Do you argue? How much do you push? I'm curious how others deal with this.

 

 

It's such a tricky position to be in. To stay silent would mean that we sort of agree with the racist/bigoted views. To argue is often pointless. One cannot avoid the person if he/she is a close relative. What to do?

I've been struggling with this for a long long time because I have bigoted relatives too. I've tried everything. Staying silent feels wrong. Arguing becomes a 'I'm right and you're wrong' kind of situation. So, now I just say "I don't share your views, but why do you feel________?". It seems to have the best possible outcome when the individual is willing to be engaged in a conversation about their beliefs. I haven't figured out a strategy to use with people who just want to rant or those who are old enough for their minds to be made up and shut.

[Btervet]

I encounter this all the time. It's infuriating. 

 

I have a blanket response. "That's not okay. Please don't speak that way around me/the kids or I/we will leave." And then I follow through, unfortunately leaving too often.

 

I'm also pretty sure many people on both sides of my family think I'm very, very rude for speaking that way. I don't really care. I won't listen to their racist speech, and I won't give them a pass.

 

If it's a younger person, I've been known to drop some curse words in my response.  :leaving: Maybe not the most mature, but it does accurately communicate my feelings.

[lmrich]

I told my husband's uncle after a few months of marriage that I found his joke offensive. He was shocked! But he stumbled over the words and apologized. I think I earned his respect that day. He has never said anything like that around me again.  

 

If it was a much older relieve, I would have kept quiet.

[Seasider]

Ahem. It's not limited to southerners.

 

I have older generation relatives by marriage who are not southern. Their prejudice runs deep. They will deny it if called out, but stray remarks and behavior reveal it.

[Seasider]

Farrah, I realize I didn't answer your question.

 

Most of the time, with my northern in laws, I call them on it. Especially if it's in front of my kids. I don't have to say much, just enough to let them know I've caught their words not matching what they say they believe - they realize they're busted. Now that my children have gotten older, they are actually more direct about it than I am. With angelic smiles they've been known to say right out, "Wow, Nana, that's a pretty racist thing to say." I don't hold to any illusion that we will change their long-held beliefs, but at least they know we will not go down in tacit agreement.

[Tsuga]

Ahem. It's not limited to southerners.

 

I have older generation relatives by marriage who are not southern. Their prejudice runs deep. They will deny it if called out, but stray remarks and behavior reveal it.

 

Did someone say it was limited to southerners? I don't think so.

 

We live in the PNW. I do think it's much less overt up here, and certainly people are more politically correct in theory. But I'd be lying if I said I'd never heard the words "I'm not a racist but..." uttered. 

 

I wish I could say "YOU ARE A RACIST BUTT!" I can't wait until I'm 80 and I can say that with total abandon.

 

Mostly the conversation is just tiptoeing around race and instead they talk about poverty and "urban areas".

[Seasider]

Did someone say it was limited to southerners? I don't think so.

 

".

No one actually said it, but I perceived a trend. Sad fact is that racism is not limited to any region, though it may manifest differently in various areas.

[Guest]

I've pretty much given up arguing with anyone about this or any other issue.  Arguing rarely does anything but inflame passions.  However, I would HOPE that I would say something like this, "Grandma, I know you don't like *those* people--but when you talk about people like that, it really bothers me and it makes me respect you less.  I wish you would stop it."  

 

My grandmother was somewhat bigoted, but she was also a product of a different time, and given where and when she grew up, she was pretty tolerant--compared to others of her age and demographic.  These things might take some generational time to change...and I think they have.  My mother, her daughter, did more than just imbibe her mother's bigotry...she's got things pretty straight.  

 

Even so, it is hard for her not to reflect the generation before hers, and she has the good sense to battle  bigotry.  

 

I remember my grandmother, who was born in 1885, telling me that the Catholics were wrong, and that I should never wear a dress with a handkerchief hem, because only sluts wore *those*.  Well, I'm now an Orthodox Christian (she would spin in her grave)...but I have to tell you you that I still can't bring myself to wear a handkerchief hem.  :0)  

 

 

 

[bettyandbob]

No. Waste of time to do so.

 

My grandmother said a lot of awful stuff. We would just visit and leave. When I was a small child my dad might have argued a few times, but gave up on subsequent visits.

 

I think if you have young dc around such a person, even on short visits, it is important to explain that it is wrong. My parents didn't always explain as much as I think they should have. They did live in a way that was positive roll modeling, though (first house they purchased was in an area that was a long commute, but had no restrictions on sales. Ditto second. Third was in a planned community that actively promoted sales to nonwhites. My mother attended and earned her undergrad degree from an HBC. There was other stuff.)