BellaMama Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 My spouse seems so unhappy to me. We have talked about the heaviness that weighs around him. It is acknowledged that work is very stressful, but this reverberates through to every aspect of his life. This has been going on for at least 10 years. He maintains that he is not depressed. We care for each other deeply. How do I allow myself to live happily without guilt? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Happiness comes and goes; I think being content is the key. Cognitive therapy helps. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 We're all responsible for our own happiness. If we're not happy with ourselves, it's pretty much impossible for someone else to "make" us happy. That's not to say we shouldn't all be awesome to one another and enrich each others' lives, but it has to start inside. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I do feel a little responsible in the sense that I want to earn income so that DH will not feel that all the financial burden falls on him. As my kids grow older, this is more feasible than when they were all little. But generally feeling that I should be able to happy up a depressed man - no. Happiness is up to each person for themselves. I cannot make my DH happy and he cannot make me happy. We can help to ease one another's burdens when possible, but nobody can actually *make* someone else happy. About guilt - that is a slightly different question. If you are intentionally doing something hurtful that would cause DH to be depressed, then obviously the guilt is correctly placed. But if you mean just feeling that you don't know how to cheer him up and that makes you feel like you're failing in some way as a wife? This is not correctly placed guilt. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 It is not at all uncommon for chronically depressed people to not recognize their own depression. There is a book called, if I remember correctly, Happiness is Serious Problem; it might be a worthwhile read. I do not feel responsible for my husband's happiness but as a caring spouse I do what I can to support and encourage good physical and mental health. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I am only responsible for my own happiness. I do make space for my dh to do things he enjoys. I exercise with him. I make time for us. I will even rub his back when he seems stressed. I cannot change a person other than myself. I can not make anyone happy. I can make a cake but not happiness. It just isn't in my power. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 tmi 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 It is not at all uncommon for chronically depressed people to not recognize their own depression. There is a book called, if I remember correctly, Happiness is Serious Problem; it might be a worthwhile read. I do not feel responsible for my husband's happiness but as caring spouse I do what I can to support and encourage good physical and mental health. It is a fabulous book, and one that was very helpful to me when I was in a depressed spot and staring down major life decisions. As for my husband? I am not responsible for his happiness. But I am responsible for loving him, helping him where I can, and not adding to his burdens by my own carelessness or attitude. My husband is under immense stress and it does get to him, but ultimately it's the way things are. I just try to make our home a soft place to land for him and let him know, in as many small ways as i can, that we are a team and I'm always on his side. The rest is between him and God :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Not responsible at all. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I try to remove some burdens to make his burdens easier. He is very appreciative of it so I don't mind doing it. If it makes life easier for him and puts him in a better mood, then I'm in a better mood. But of course there are limits to what another person can do to make someone else happy. It's up and down with work. I think he mostly likes his jobs, but yeah it has its moments for sure. Sometimes he downright hates certain things about it. He is very serious and devoted to what he does and he gets frustrated that other people don't care as much as he does. He can't ever let anything go. And his boss is always this person who has a "who cares" attitude. He tells my husband to not care about it and just let it go. That's just not in his nature. My husband hand wrote me this super long letter last week that he mailed to me. He thanked me for every thing I have never done for him and told me how fantastic I am and how he hopes he's not a lousy husband, etc. It was pretty sweet. I cried. I don't think I'm that good. But maybe I'm not so bad LOL. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I can't make my partner happy, but I think it's my responsibility to make it easier for him to be happy. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 My dh is an unhappy, complaining person. Yes, his stressful job doesn't help but he has gotten to the point that this is his normal. I let him vent and give him attention but the kids and I go do things without him. I can't make him happy but try to be kind and available and engaged. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I do not feel responsible for my dh's happiness. He did have a bout with depression a number of years ago and I insisted he go to couples counseling with me because I could not live the way we were any longer. He either agreed to counseling or I was leaving. He also took welbutrin. Welbutrin saved my marriage. And the counseling. But I think it was mostly the welbutrin. People suffering from depression often do not recognize that they are depressed and it manifests in different ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendy not in HI Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 This is really hard. It is a topic that I google occasionally (just last week, in fact!.) My dh has cycles of serious unhappiness. I am a happy person and I have a really hard time understanding lasting unhappiness. As in, if I am upset about something - like really unhappy about something - if I go to bed, when I wake up I am truly unable to be unhappy about it any more. Lingering unhappiness is so foreign to me. But it is something that my husband really struggles with. His unhappiness brings me down and makes me feel so heavy. I have a dd who also struggles with unhappiness. When she is unhappy, I am not affected. I just sort of ignore her and go about my day. It does not bring me down or make me feel guilty. I do not search for cures or try to bake cookies to "bring her out of it". I just give her the space she needs, and eventually she is fine. Her fine is maybe less happy than my fine, but it is her normal. For some reason, I am unable to separate myself from my husband's unhappiness in the same way. I don't know why. I KNOW it is not my job or responsibility to make my partner happy. But I really want him to be happy. I like happiness. I don't require rainbows and unicorns, but I do like the peace and calm that comes from contentment in our home. To me, it doesn't seem so hard. But for him it is like a foreign language. We have talked about how his unhappiness affects me, and I know he tries. Looking at our childhood homes, I can see both patterns - my parents are both happy people. My mom is especially happy and go with the flow-y. My dad is a really cheerful person, but is occasionally angry, followed quickly by apology and then he is back to happy. My parents rarely argue, and I can't ever remember a time of them having lasting unhappiness. My husband's parents are both somewhat cranky. His father has been treated off and on for depression. He is cheerful and outgoing to strangers and people out of the family, but is sort of a downer in real life. He can get hurt feelings that lasts for weeks and longer. And though my husband's mom thinks she is perfectly normal, I think she is one of the most negative people I have ever met. Being around them really brings me down. Talking to his mom is confusing to me, as I'm just not sure what to say to someone who has a negative answer for everything. When they visit I have to make sure to get outside and walk in the air, watch funny things, take myself out of the house to go shopping ALONE, etc. My husband notices the difference and talks about wanting to be different from his parents, but that is easier said than done. Things that help me: daily exercise - outside when possible. eating healthy. Eating chocolate chip cookies when eating healthy doesn't cut it.... Having a friend to share basic happiness with - I don't generally talk about my husband's unhappiness to anyone, so I don't complain about him to a friend - I just do fun happy things with someone who is happy! Going to bed early and getting enough sleep. Just doing the basic things to protect my own happiness helps when things feel really heavy. Anyway, I don't have an answer, but I wanted to just write and commiserate with you. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Hmmm, I'm not responsible for his happiness, but if I feel his mental health needs a check-up, I feel a responsibility to tell him and strongly encourage him to take care of himself. I feel responsible to help him take care of himself in some ways. I don't complain when he's at his doctor's appointments. If I notice a side effect of the medicine or a change in him, I try to point it out gently at first. Not so gently if ignored because that affects our whole family. We are good friends with a married couple. The husband has diabetes. If wife notices he's acting like his blood sugar is high or low, she doesn't ignore it. He's responsible for eating and giving himself the appropriate insulin, but she's not going to sit there and watch him go into a coma. She plans and prepares healthy meals, encourages him to exercise, and so forth. If he chose to eat crap endlessly and not take care of himself, that is ultimately his choice. What one would do for a spouse with a physical health issue, I think one should do for a spouse with a mental health issue. I do believe there's a line where you should take care of yourself and not be obligated to go down with the ship so to speak. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Hmmm, I'm not responsible for his happiness, but if I feel his mental health needs a check-up, I feel a responsibility to tell him and strongly encourage him to take care of himself. I feel responsible to help him take care of himself in some ways. I don't complain when he's at his doctor's appointments. If I notice a side effect of the medicine or a change in him, I try to point it out gently at first. Not so gently if ignored because that affects our whole family. We are good friends with a married couple. The husband has diabetes. If wife notices he's acting like his blood sugar is high or low, she doesn't ignore it. He's responsible for eating and giving himself the appropriate insulin, but she's not going to sit there and watch him go into a coma. She plans and prepares healthy meals, encourages him to exercise, and so forth. If he chose to eat crap endlessly and not take care of himself, that is ultimately his choice. What one would do for a spouse with a physical health issue, I think one should do for a spouse with a mental health issue. I do believe there's a line where you should take care of yourself and not be obligated to go down with the ship so to speak. You said this perfect! My husband has anxiety and depression. I cannot fix him. But I can alert him to changes in his behavior that many times he simply does not realize. I also help him keep up with his doc appointments and meds. As you compared it to diabetes, my dad was a diabetic and I grew up watching my mom love him "in sickness and in health". In our case, it is mental health and I believe that as his partner, I should try to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I like to think of it in the reverse ... I feel zero responsibility for my dh's UNhappiness. 9 times out of 10, my dh is the author of his own unhappiness. I used to try to talk to him about things, but he never really listened. (He's not depressed, just "high maintenance" to quote his current boss.) At some point, I decided just to go ahead with my own life and be available should he change his mind at some point. Ironically, THAT seems to make him "happy". :tongue_smilie: This was my first thought - zero responsibility for another person's unhappiness. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 spouses can affect spouses moods - but there is also a point where a person must take responsibility for their own happiness. men often deny being depressed because to do so is to admit weakness (within their minds.). dd was instructed when counseling male patients receiving antidepressants to not refer to them as such, but to tell them "This will help you sleep". will he admit he is very stressed? stress can have the same impact upon the brain as depression. , and can respond to some of the same rx. stress isn't seen as a statement of weakness as much among men. has he done any of the depression/stress questionnaires? there was a time I didn't feel like I was depressed (I didn't want to kill myself. . . .), but by golly I was so stressed and burned out I should have been being treated long before I was. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaMama Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 Our husbands have caring and compassionate wives! Thank you for sharing your experiences. Seekinghim45, we seem to be walking in similar shoes! Part of the guilt comes from feeling like our family is a burden to him, not that he has ever said it in such a way. Zoobie, you said it perfectly. He just doesn't take care of himself. It's so hard to watch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I am not responsible for the emotions of another adult (assuming I'm not mistreating someone). OP, I would strongly encourage talking to a doctor about a reasonable time framed trial of an anti-depressant. Wellbutrin has few other side effects and sometimes helps alone. Encouraging my resistant hubby to get medication for depression (which looks different in men/he didn't think he was depressed, he thought he was stressed) improved his life and our marriage. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 When we were in a similar situation with work stress, I felt responsible for letting dh know that his happiness and mental health was more important than an income drop, more important than vacation, and, yes, more important than home schooling. Although I could not match his income, I could and would go back to work to ease the pressure and make walking away from a good job more possible. He never took the bait, but I think it helped knowing that he would have my support if he did. I do think that there's a part of the career curve that just tends to be very stressful, when you have to take on certain responsibilities or positions (that you might not want) if you are going to move up. You don't have the excitement of just starting out in a career, and you don't have all the benefits that come with being past that part of the curve. Plus, y'know, sometimes work just sucks in general. My dh did finally move on, when he had a firm job offer with equivalent pay/benefits. And he was probably smart to wait, because he only got this job because he had his old, sucky job for so long, lol. The other thing I took responsibility for was planning activities and vacations that I knew he would enjoy if all he had to do was show up - I remember from my working days that it can be really hard to have the energy left over after working a crappy job to plan fun stuff. Stress is exhausting, so he could definitely be correct that it is not depression. I'd keep that in mind, though. Others have posted stuff like not being responsible for his happiness, but being responsible for looking out for him. That's pretty much where I fall. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I am sure that the OP like me agrees with this. And for awhile it is ok, but when your spouse is consistently stressed out physically and emotionally for a decade, it is very hard.I didn't say that living with someone who is stressed is easy. My bipolar mother lives with us. I know about the stresses mental illness can put on a family. My middle child has multiple, life-threatening allergies which have had us in the ER five times this year already. My dh never feels like he is good enough. I am the caretaker of all of these people. I work hard to try to make sure everyone is as healthy and safe as possible, but I cannot make anyone happy. Guilt doesn't help me to get things done. I am not god or God or even a goddess. I can do my best, but happiness isn't even in the realm of what I can change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I don't at all feel responsible for his feelings, whether they are good or bad. I am married to an intense person. I have an intense daughter. Their feelings are something I CANNOT take responsibility for. Otherwise, I'd be yo yoing all over the place every day. I used to measure my success and fallure as a wife or mother dependent on their feelings. That was an exercise in futility. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I have been known to coax DH out of a funk now and then, but I don't feel responsibility for his mood in general. I actually think you owe it to your spouse to be a complete person on your own and make sure that you are producing as much positive energy as you are absorbing. I know that 50/50 isn't a real thing in marriage, but you can't suck your partner dry and make your mood their responsibility. I mean, they have their OWN mood to manage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 None. Happiness must come from within a person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 For me, feeling responsible for someone else's mental health or feelings is a boundary issue. It is a boundary I need to keep myself mentally and emotionally healthy. As others have said, that has nothing to do with being kind to them or helping to alleviate some of the workload etc. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Trying to cheer up comfort and contribute within reason - good Trying to fix the universe for them - bad. We've had our struggles with this over the years. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I try to love my dh, but he is responsible for his own happiness. I do things that I know he loves, and vise versa. We both get in valleys, that are hard to climb out of, but it sounds like your hubby might need a little more help than you can offer. When dh was going through a chronic autoimmune illness, he actually agreed he was depressed. Life rots like that sometimes,but I would continue to love him, and have him checked by a doctor, just for kicks and giggles. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 My spouse seems so unhappy to me. We have talked about the heaviness that weighs around him. It is acknowledged that work is very stressful, but this reverberates through to every aspect of his life. This has been going on for at least 10 years. He maintains that he is not depressed. We care for each other deeply. How do I allow myself to live happily without guilt? Would he see a therapist? He doesn't have to be clincially depressed to see a therapist. A lot of people who are not depressed see therapists. A good therapist can help him come up with ways to cope with stress at work. Something simple like that could really ease his load Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 My dh is not depressed, though he has taken leave from work due to stress a couple times. The rest from work was very helpful for him. If your dh is able to do this, it might be beneficial. Maybe he needs to look for a different work setting, too. If his work situation is stressful, it would be wise to make sure he has concrete methods of dealing positively with the stress or it could cause mental and/or physical problems. I wouldn't imagine that you being happy is going to make your dh worse - if anything it's probably excellent that you aren't both unhappy at the same time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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