How well or poorly are you able to move beyond intense conflict?

[Ginevra]

I might even make this a poll. I think it is harder than average for me to "get over it" when I have had an intense conflict with someone. This is especially true if the matter is a hot disagreement that is not resolved; the other person said their piece, I said mine, but no real understanding or meeting of the minds happened. Chances are good that I will just resent this person indefinitely. If we were friends before, we won't be in the future. If seeing the person is unavoidable, I will be cordial, but done with that person. Is this common, or is it more common to get all steamed up, exchange a few words, then cool off and resume the normal relationship the way it was?

[BigMamaBird]

I can forgive, but I have a hard time forgetting. When something cruel is said or done to me it really sticks.  

[Dory]

I don't forget, sometimes my approach to the person might change slightly, but usually just in a way that I can better assess where things are at. I have grown up with an emotionally unstable family. I have learned that staying angry doesn't help any of us, and that they are relatively unlikely to change. If I want them in my life at all, I have to take the new information, adjust my approach so that I can live with it and then continue on.

 

If I held a grudge, I wouldn't talk to a single person in my family.

[texasmama]

I don't know how to answer the poll.  I rarely have conflict with friends. 

 

About a year ago, I was involved in a split in an organization I belonged to.  (I did no wrong, but I knew too much to stay with the organization so split off to support the wronged party.)  It involved a friend whom I had trusted, but I came to see that the relationship was irreparable, as my trust in her was gone.  It was very upsetting to me as it slowly dawned on me that there would be no good resolution.  This was someone I had known for several years, and our children knew each other.  I did speak to the person and allowed her to express herself, but I mostly just walked away and didn't look back.  That rarely happens, and it made an impact.  I am a peacemaker.  During the time of conflict, I had trouble eating and sleeping for a week and was unable to focus on much else mentally.  I was not angry, just terribly hurt and betrayed.  I just wanted to let go of the relationship to avoid that happening again, so I did.  The rift is permanent. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm assuming the person's character is the same as it was pre disagreement.  I am able to disagree with someone and still like them and to still interact with them with no problem.  I suppose if I discovered that someone was living a lie in some way and that their character was not what I thought it was, then that would be a different story.  

[texasmama]

I'm assuming the person's character is the same as it was pre disagreement.  I am able to disagree with someone and still like them and to still interact with them with no problem.  I suppose if I discovered that someone was living a lie in some way and that their character was not what I thought it was, then that would be a different story.  

The bolded is what happened to me.  My eyes were opened to manipulative and controlling behavior.  I saw that I was a pawn and that this person conducted all relationships this way.  I had always been on the happy side of that, if you will.  Once I experienced the flip side, I was done.

[Guest]

I don't forget, sometimes my approach to the person might change slightly, but usually just in a way that I can better assess where things are at. I have grown up with an emotionally unstable family. I have learned that staying angry doesn't help any of us, and that they are relatively unlikely to change. If I want them in my life at all, I have to take the new information, adjust my approach so that I can live with it and then continue on.

 

If I held a grudge, I wouldn't talk to a single person in my family.

Interesting. Would you stop doing some activity or whatever if the altercation cropped up there? Hypothetically, say you went to the movies every third Saturday with you friend. Then one day, she erupts at you saying you always pick some dopey chick-flick and she has been wanting to see a sci-fi forever. And furthermore, you bring a coupon for yourself, but you never bring one to share. (This is pure fiction; I'm trying to make an analogy.) would you be like, "Whoa! Hold the phone! I thought you loved Hugh Jackman and had no idea you wanted to see something else! Let's plan to see whatever you want next time. I don't even care about the movie per se, I just thought this was something fun we do." Would you do something different to try and appease your friend, or would you be hurt about her eruption to the point that you would probably end the movie tradition?

[Rebel Yell]

"Other."

 

It completely depends on the situation. If a friend and I have a heated argument over which restaurant to eat at, or she makes a hurtful but un-intentional (think 'thoughtless') comment or joke- we'll likely be fine afterward. If it is something that reveals their lack of character, honesty, or morals, then there is usually no coming back from that.

[Guest]

I don't know how to answer the poll. I rarely have conflict with friends.

 

About a year ago, I was involved in a split in an organization I belonged to. (I did no wrong, but I knew too much to stay with the organization so split off to support the wronged party.) It involved a friend whom I had trusted, but I came to see that the relationship was irreparable, as my trust in her was gone. It was very upsetting to me as it slowly dawned on me that there would be no good resolution. This was someone I had known for several years, and our children knew each other. I did speak to the person and allowed her to express herself, but I mostly just walked away and didn't look back. That rarely happens, and it made an impact. I am a peacemaker. During the time of conflict, I had trouble eating and sleeping for a week and was unable to focus on much else mentally. I was not angry, just terribly hurt and betrayed. I just wanted to let go of the relationship to avoid that happening again, so I did. The rift is permanent.

Yeah. This is very familiar to me. Right down to trouble eating, sleeping and managing other elements of my life. :(

 

And I am a peacemaker, too.

[Dory]

Interesting. Would you stop doing some activity or whatever if the altercation cropped up there? Hypothetically, say you went to the movies every third Saturday with you friend. Then one day, she erupts at you saying you always pick some dopey chick-flick and she has been wanting to see a sci-fi forever. And furthermore, you bring a coupon for yourself, but you never bring one to share. (This is pure fiction; I'm trying to make an analogy.) would you be like, "Whoa! Hold the phone! I thought you loved Hugh Jackman and had no idea you wanted to see something else! Let's plan to see whatever you want next time. I don't even care about the movie per se, I just thought this was something fun we do." Would you do something different to try and appease your friend, or would you be hurt about her eruption to the point that you would probably end the movie tradition?

 

Well, minus the exclamation points my approach might be similar to what you said. I have found that any responses that sound too exuberant tend to be less heard and just wind the people around me up more. I would probably just say, "I'm sorry I didn't realize you didn't like these movies. I should've probably asked you first. Next time lets make the movie selection your choice." I would tell her where I was getting the coupons but not offer to bring her one. If I share my finding spot with her in up beat type vocal tones, most people I know of feel bad pushing for handouts if they now have the information given to them to be able to get it themselves and the person saying it sounds happy and friendly. I might fiddle with what would be a happy middle ground for us for a few times through this before I would give up and start avoiding the whole scenario.

 

There are some scenarios where I am not willing to bend and I know the other person isn't either. In those cases I search for a new thing for us and avoid the old one as tactfully as possible. There's always going to be something that I can't come to an agreement with someone on. I'm ok with that. I'll just leave that thing alone.

[Guest]

Well, minus the exclamation points my approach might be similar to what you said. I have found that any responses that sound too exuberant tend to be less heard and just wind the people around me up more. I would probably just say, "I'm sorry I didn't realize you didn't like these movies. I should've probably asked you first. Next time lets make the movie selection your choice." I would tell her where I was getting the coupons but not offer to bring her one. I I share my finding spot with her in up beat type vocal tones, most people I know of feel bad pushing for handouts if they now have the information given to them to be able to get it themselves and the person saying it sounds happy and friendly. I might fiddle with what would be a happy middle ground for us for a few times through this before I would give up and start avoiding the whole scenario.

You're right about the exclamation points, but I am an emotive person and if I'm blindsided, it is most probably going to sound wound up. If it was unfolding in text or e-mail, then yeah, it would be easier to temper my response. I think in this scenario, I don't want to choose an appeasement because I'm feeling so hurt that the friend got salty. I guess I feel I'm losing self-respect by catering to the person who just hurt me.

[Dory]

You're right about the exclamation points, but I am an emotive person and if I'm blindsided, it is most probably going to sound wound up. If it was unfolding in text or e-mail, then yeah, it would be easier to temper my response. I think in this scenario, I don't want to choose an appeasement because I'm feeling so hurt that the friend got salty. I guess I feel I'm losing self-respect by catering to the person who just hurt me.

 

Some people just need to let go and move on. I'd probably healthier if I learned how to do so instead of just smoothing things over all the time and dancing around everyone else's buttons.

 

How you feel is important. Being able to respect yourself is important. If the person is purposely hurting you then it's probably a good thing to back away. If it's an accident, then perhaps they need to just be made aware. If it's a constant problem, it's time to move on. If it was a one or two time thing, or a bad habit that they are actively trying to work through, then maybe stick it out.

 

In the end, each person has to weigh those options for themselves. Walking away isn't wrong. Staying doesn't always mean that you are good at conflict resolution, sometimes it just means you are good at being a doormat.

[SKL]

I am probably unusual in that I get over things like right away.  As soon as the other person stops eating my head.  :P  I am able to get right back to work etc.  The exception is when I've felt forced to say something I didn't feel, e.g., "I'm sorry, OK, I'll agree to do xyz without grudging."  Even then, I get over it in a day or so.

[texasmama]

Yeah. This is very familiar to me. Right down to trouble eating, sleeping and managing other elements of my life. :(

 

And I am a peacemaker, too.

(((Hugs))) Most conflict is resolvable. Some is not. Have you decided which this is?

[8circles]

It really depends on what the conflict is about. In your movie scenario I think I'd laugh at the ridiculousness of it but say the same as you. I think this would be a non-issue with any of my friends. But I suspect the real issue is more important than a movie. If there are character issues involved it usually means the friendship will die.

[Carrie12345]

I'm an other.

I need the other person to work through the conflict with me. I can't get over rugsweepers.

[hornblower]

I've had this happen twice in my life with female friends and the conflict was irreparable. We're not friends anymore. It was tough as in both cases our children were friends & to an extent our dh's were & it just all blew up. I've been way more wary now & I guess I sort keep a bigger distance between friends & myself. There are more 'no go' zones, topics which are not on the table & which if they come up, I'll scurry away from fast, because there's no point in discussing them because it would wreck the friendship. So I guess I compartmentalize friends and acquaintances more in terms of what I share or what subjects I'm willing to talk about....

[EmseB]

I tend to be able to move on in terms of me not holding a grudge.  I do tend to worry about what the other person must think of me and worry they view everything post-conflict in light of that conflict.  So, if hurtful things happened or were said, I worry that is what the person really thinks of me and it makes me feel...timid(?) or wary of them later on.  This goes for people I'm extremely close to and acquaintances alike.

 

In the movie example, I would probably let the other person suggest an activity and pick the movie for a good long time.  I would try to explain myself, and I wouldn't feel bitter, but I'd let them pick after that and worry that anything I suggested or did would be considered overbearing.

[rmtzc2009]

Hmmm, this is a tricky topic for me.  I grew up in the environment that if someone upsets you or has a different opinion than you, the relationship ended. It wasn't until fairly recently that a friend pointed out my inclination to quickly flee a relationship if it had bumps.  It was like a light bulb went off! So now that I'm aware, I'm trying hard to do better.   I am able to quickly work things out if the other party and and I can be respectful of each others feelings & opinions.  If a clear wrong had been done such as lying, I'd need an apology to move forward.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it is important to be able to have free expression in a relationship.  So we can express anger or irritation but also know that the person still loves us.  And also know that we can laugh at ourselves without taking things too seriously.  The example given is so trivial to me that I can't quite wrap my head around having any lasting anger attached to it.  Transitory irritation, yes.  Something that would affect the course of the friendship, no.  

[Scarlett]

I think I have handled conflict well and I think I have not.

 

11 years ago my aunt did something so horrible to me and my mother that I view her as dead to me. Trouble is my mom got over it. My mom off handedly said to me the other day, " time for you to get over it".

 

Another time my best friend and I had a huge falling out.....I knew she was lashing out in her pain and when I heard things were worse I called her up and we just went back to being best friends.

 

I think a lot depends on how important the relationship is to me. My aunt? I never trusted her and I don't now. So it was easy for me to let her go. My best friend?. She is like a sister to me.

[elegantlion]

I can handle differences of opinion, but if the argument discloses something they've kept hidden I have a harder time. I hate being lied to and I hate being placated just to keep the peace. I prefer the honest truth and I've had a few instances where after a long time of being involved in something I felt I was being placated simply because I'm the one that stepped up to do the work. Instead of being respected, the revelation that I was the "good enough" and not being told the truth was hurtful and frankly there are a few things I'm still not over - but no longer around those people. 

 

In your movie analogy, I'd be hurt, but I'd go with my gut. If I felt there was more behind the words and that they'd been metaphorically rolling their eyes at me, I'd step back from the relationship. But my trust-o-meter is broken and I have a thick wall from the last few years. I let very few people IRL in. 

[Southern Ivy]

Quill, have you read up on the highly sensitive person? I fit almost all the criteria and have the hardest time letting go of conflict. Sounds like you might fit the criteria too. 
I rehash conflict again and again and again. Heck, I still sometimes start thinking about a conflict I had with some crazy chick outside my parents house concerning a parking spot 5 months ago and I'll never see her again. 
So, yeah, I have a hard time letting things go unless I'm really close to the person. 

[Farrar]

It so depends on what the conflict was about. I have generally found that once a conflict happens with someone, the relationship is strained and never gets back to normal. It's hard to say exactly why though. When I think of times this has happened, it feels like the situations are individual. Sometimes I really blame the former friend, sometimes I think I'm to blame, sometimes I think it's just the situation changes so perhaps we weren't meant to be friends anymore anyway. I mean, if you have a conflict, and then someone moves or something, then you're not going to see them enough to fix it.

 

I had a HUGE conflict with a good friend a couple of years ago. She did a bunch of things that were baffling and hurtful - not to me directly, but to other people we had in common. It was so difficult to figure out how to move on. But she made big efforts toward me and over time I was able to let it go, but I had to really make a purposeful decision that it wasn't important to me anymore. I think the efforts have to be intentional and purposeful like that to heal a conflict.

[Amira]

I explode and get over things really quickly. I couldn't pick the first option because it takes a few hours at most for me to get over something.  Usually it takes a few minutes  Dh, on the other hand, does not and it's really hard for him that I do.  He needs to work through things.  

 

I don't think I've ever had an intense conflict with a friend.

[Guest]

(((Hugs))) Most conflict is resolvable. Some is not. Have you decided which this is?

I haven't decided, but I think it is not. This woman is unavoidably in my life, so I don't have the option of completely parting ways.

[texasmama]

I haven't decided, but I think it is not. This woman is unavoidably in my life, so I don't have the option of completely parting ways.

That is a hard place to be. This lady and I ran in the same circles, as well, and I was close to one of her other family members. I was able to preserve that relationship- and the person with whom I had the issue removed herself from our mutual place of contact in time, which helped. I did not see that coming, either. It was a nice bonus.

[Peaceful Isle]

I am an easy to forgive type of person and I hate conflict. If it is in my power, I will try to resolve it as soon as possible.

 

That being said, I had a conflict about three years ago that I tried so hard to resolve. The other side refused and it went out of my hands. We still haven't resolved, but it wasn't because I did not try. It makes me so sad, honestly. 

 

After getting some wise advise, I decided something. No matter what, I was going to stand on the truth. It may not be the "warm fuzzy" way to try to resolve conflict, but expecting and giving only truth is the only way one can truly resolve something. Even then, if the other party is not willing, it is out of your hands. 

[Guest]

Quill, have you read up on the highly sensitive person? I fit almost all the criteria and have the hardest time letting go of conflict. Sounds like you might fit the criteria too.

I rehash conflict again and again and again. Heck, I still sometimes start thinking about a conflict I had with some crazy chick outside my parents house concerning a parking spot 5 months ago and I'll never see her again.

So, yeah, I have a hard time letting things go unless I'm really close to the person.

I have not, but I can tell you I am a highly sensitive person without even reading it. I am very sensitive in every way.

[KungFuPanda]

If you know someone long enough or well enough, chances are there will be something about them that annoys you. Also, nobody is going to agree with you all the time. You HAVE to learn to let things go and agree to disagree. If you just eliminate people without a serious, toxic reason, you will run out of people. All humans are flawed and most of us manage to occasionally land a foot in our own mouth. People need friends who will love them beyond their imperfections.

 

Learning to compartmentalize and not be overly dramatic are useful life skills. It could prevent you from turning careless words into a personal attack. I HAVE had to cut loose a couple toxic people in my life, but if I found myself feeling hostile towards the majority of my friends I HOPE I have the wherewithal to realize that I am the problem.

[Southern Ivy]

I have not, but I can tell you I am a highly sensitive person without even reading it. I am very sensitive in every way.

I did the test just for kicks; but I knew I was, too. 

[AimeeM]

For me it really depends on the person and the conflict. I only moved on from my conflict with She Who Must Not Be Named (step-mother) because I removed her from my life (well, as much as I could)... but she stood in my home, directly insulted my husband, myself, and then dragged my daughter into it. I told her to leave my home and to never step foot back in my home - and I meant it. That was... years ago now, I guess.

A disagreement, no matter how heated, that doesn't involve personal insult? I don't take a ton personally unless it was meant to be taken personally, if that makes any sense, so I tend to let it roll. 

 

[Seasider]

Simple disagreements are no big deal. I try not to take offense where none is intended. The relationship might be awkward for a while but then settle back to normal.

 

Disagreement that morphs into an ad hominem attack? That I find hard to get over. I tend to totally steer clear of anyone who gives me reason to no longer trust him/her. If I must, by necessity, continue to interact with such a person, the relationship becomes superficial at best. I don't extend ammunition or opportunity to inflict further injury to folks I don't trust.

 

I speak in general terms, though. Much would depend on specific factors - length and nature of prior relationship, realization that I was wrong/rude myself, whether or not any repentance is involved, or is genuine - many factors to consider. I believe I am fairly forgiving as long as the conflict is not with someone who appears to have a malicious agenda.

[J-rap]

If it is personal in nature, where I feel that my character is misunderstood or intentions are misunderstood, or that I've been unfairly judged, then I have a really hard time.  If it's something outside of me -- such as political or religious views -- then I can get beyond it pretty quickly.

[Reefgazer]

I think it depends on whether or not the conflict was of a personal nature (hard to get beyond) or something more impersonal like a political disagreement (harder to get beyond).

[sassenach]

I might even make this a poll. I think it is harder than average for me to "get over it" when I have had an intense conflict with someone. This is especially true if the matter is a hot disagreement that is not resolved; the other person said their piece, I said mine, but no real understanding or meeting of the minds happened. Chances are good that I will just resent this person indefinitely. If we were friends before, we won't be in the future. If seeing the person is unavoidable, I will be cordial, but done with that person. Is this common, or is it more common to get all steamed up, exchange a few words, then cool off and resume the normal relationship the way it was?

This is so case by case for me.  In some ways, I have super thick skin and things that bother some people, really don't bother me.  But there have definitely been situations, and I would say especially the type you outlined here, which permanently alter the relationship.  I can't imagine how they wouldn't.

 

However, I am not anti confrontation.  If anything, I'm pretty good about it.  In most cases I can separate my emotions from what needs to be hashed out and resume a normal relationship with that person.  I am really bad navigating the unsaid or unresolved. The type of person who does the worse with me is the type who doesn't want to resolve or address an issue, but would rather just pretend like there isn't a problem. I think I scare them, because I'm the total opposite. And sometimes, I think that that type of personality has an easier time moving on with the relationship if the confrontation doesn't happen, and by having to discuss it, they actually have a harder time moving on.  Those types of personalities are not people that I ever have intimate relationships with, because we hit that road block and repel each other.  Which is fine.  We don't all need to be best buddies.

[sassenach]

Interesting. Would you stop doing some activity or whatever if the altercation cropped up there? Hypothetically, say you went to the movies every third Saturday with you friend. Then one day, she erupts at you saying you always pick some dopey chick-flick and she has been wanting to see a sci-fi forever. And furthermore, you bring a coupon for yourself, but you never bring one to share. (This is pure fiction; I'm trying to make an analogy.) would you be like, "Whoa! Hold the phone! I thought you loved Hugh Jackman and had no idea you wanted to see something else! Let's plan to see whatever you want next time. I don't even care about the movie per se, I just thought this was something fun we do." Would you do something different to try and appease your friend, or would you be hurt about her eruption to the point that you would probably end the movie tradition?

I would assume that something other than deep passion over movie choices was going on, and I'd pursue a deeper conversation, hopefully uncovering what the true reason for the outburst was, repenting and forgiving as needed, and hopefully moving on with a better, more intimate friendship.

[SparklyUnicorn]

This is hard to answer.  I don't encounter issues often, but I tend to just not put myself out there in the first place.  Fairly recently I was upset with a parent volunteer at choir.  It ruined my entire day.  Literally a 3 minute conversation with that woman made me feel awful for hours.  I was proactive about it though.  I came home and wrote an e-mail right away to the powers that be.  They fixed it as best they could and although that didn't involve the woman I was mad at, I was satisfied with the outcome.  And I was able to let it go within a day.  Had they not done that it might not have been pretty.  This is truly a rare occurrence in my life.  It takes a lot to upset me. 

[Tsuga]

 

Hypothetically, say you went to the movies every third Saturday with you friend. Then one day, she erupts at you saying you always pick some dopey chick-flick and she has been wanting to see a sci-fi forever. And furthermore, you bring a coupon for yourself, but you never bring one to share. (This is pure fiction; I'm trying to make an analogy.) would you be like, "Whoa! Hold the phone! I thought you loved Hugh Jackman and had no idea you wanted to see something else! Let's plan to see whatever you want next time. I don't even care about the movie per se, I just thought this was something fun we do." Would you do something different to try and appease your friend, or would you be hurt about her eruption to the point that you would probably end the movie tradition?

 

As for my partner, I talk it out. I ask for forgiveness and I also tell him what I believe he did wrong so we can come to an agreement on what we want to change in the future.

 

For the example above... I have such a hard time imagining any of my grown-up friends doing that. Erupting. Maybe we aren't that close? I wouldn't be hurt so much as I would think, either she is having a really horrible time right now and this is the straw that broke the camel's back, maybe it's menopause, and I would call her out on it and ask what's wrong.

 

"I'm so sorry you felt that way, and I'm sorry for being inconsiderate. But I couldn't know if you didn't tell me, and there was no reason to be so forceful the first time we talked about it. I don't like being treated like that. Is something more serious bothering you or has this really just been festering?" Hopefully we could come to some agreement.

[ErinE]

Interesting. Would you stop doing some activity or whatever if the altercation cropped up there? Hypothetically, say you went to the movies every third Saturday with you friend. Then one day, she erupts at you saying you always pick some dopey chick-flick and she has been wanting to see a sci-fi forever. And furthermore, you bring a coupon for yourself, but you never bring one to share. (This is pure fiction; I'm trying to make an analogy.) would you be like, "Whoa! Hold the phone! I thought you loved Hugh Jackman and had no idea you wanted to see something else! Let's plan to see whatever you want next time. I don't even care about the movie per se, I just thought this was something fun we do." Would you do something different to try and appease your friend, or would you be hurt about her eruption to the point that you would probably end the movie tradition?

In a similar scenario and with a really good friend, I'd suspect there's something else going on. I'd have a conversation with her. I'd let her know that we're friends and stuff like this can be shared without blowing up at me. How could I know my friend's preferences without her sharing them? Is something else wrong?

 

I tend to dwell on my actions to see if I've done wrong (and i'll apologize if I do). In this case, i don't see the fault other than you can't read minds. I wouldn't end the friendship, but I would expect a "clearing of the air" before moving forward.

[Slartibartfast]

I usually forget I am mad. I don't have it in me to stay mad for very long. I am not going to stay mad for several days, I just don't work that way.

 

I am not trying to be cool like I am a better person or anything like that, I really just don't work that way. I get bored being mad and want to talk to the person I am mad at. If I want to make out with dh don't think "Ggrr but I am mad," I think, "Bored now, let's make out."

 

I particularly don't stay mad after online conflicts, if I fight with someone I usually forget who I was arguing with or I simultaneously argue and joke with someone in different threads. :lol:

 

Unless it was a real betrayal I get over it quickly. I am mad at an aunt for something she did over twenty years ago and I doubt I will ever stop being mad about that but other than that I am not holding in anger. I just can't do that, I don't work that way.

 

Sometimes dh finds it very funny when I am mad and starts to laugh. I usually cannot stay mad if he is laughing.

[texasmama]

I particularly don't stay mad after online conflicts, if I fight with someone I usually forget who I was arguing with or I simultaneously argue and joke with someone in different threads. :lol:

:lol:

 

I tend to forget who I have had fun and friendly exchanges with that go on for pages and pages.  It's embarrassing to be me.

 

(I dislike arguing in general so I try to avoid it, but when I do...)

[Slartibartfast]

:lol:

 

I tend to forget who I have had fun and friendly exchanges with that go on for pages and pages.  It's embarrassing to be me.

 

(I dislike arguing in general so I try to avoid it, but when I do...)

 

If they were making fun of Texas that would be me..or one of the other Oklahomans. 

 

:lol:

[texasmama]

If they were making fun of Texas that would be me..or one of the other Oklahomans. 

 

:lol:

No!  I forgot how much I hate you.  I forgot that was even you.  AND your evil sister.

 

 

 

 

 

 

:lol:

[Scarlett]

I usually forget I am mad. I don't have it in me to stay mad for very long. I am not going to stay mad for several days, I just don't work that way.

 

I am not trying to be cool like I am a better person or anything like that, I really just don't work that way. I get bored being mad and want to talk to the person I am mad at. If I want to make out with dh don't think "Ggrr but I am mad," I think, "Bored now, let's make out."

 

I particularly don't stay mad after online conflicts, if I fight with someone I usually forget who I was arguing with or I simultaneously argue and joke with someone in different threads. :lol:

 

Unless it was a real betrayal I get over it quickly. I am mad at an aunt for something she did over twenty years ago and I doubt I will ever stop being mad about that but other than that I am not holding in anger. I just can't do that, I don't work that way.

 

Sometimes dh finds it very funny when I am mad and starts to laugh. I usually cannot stay mad if he is laughing.

I have been on these boards for at least ten years and I rarely can remember who was ugly to me in a thread. sometimes I feel like I should keep a spreadsheet! LOL

 

We should share aunt stories. I havent spoken to her in 11 years and although I am a little less angry now I still don't trust her and probably will never be in her life again. But what she did was really bad.

[TranquilMind]

I might even make this a poll. I think it is harder than average for me to "get over it" when I have had an intense conflict with someone. This is especially true if the matter is a hot disagreement that is not resolved; the other person said their piece, I said mine, but no real understanding or meeting of the minds happened. Chances are good that I will just resent this person indefinitely. If we were friends before, we won't be in the future. If seeing the person is unavoidable, I will be cordial, but done with that person. Is this common, or is it more common to get all steamed up, exchange a few words, then cool off and resume the normal relationship the way it was?

What's the topic?  Generally, I mean...like parenting?  Romantic relationship?  How money is spent? 

 

It would depend on how important that topic is to the person to whom you said something (or who said something to you). 

[TranquilMind]

I've had this happen twice in my life with female friends and the conflict was irreparable. We're not friends anymore. It was tough as in both cases our children were friends & to an extent our dh's were & it just all blew up. I've been way more wary now & I guess I sort keep a bigger distance between friends & myself. There are more 'no go' zones, topics which are not on the table & which if they come up, I'll scurry away from fast, because there's no point in discussing them because it would wreck the friendship. So I guess I compartmentalize friends and acquaintances more in terms of what I share or what subjects I'm willing to talk about....

When the kids and husbands are friends too, I will tolerate more. 

 

I try to forgive and move on.  Life is too darn short.  Maybe I'm just older than most of you.  I don't know.  Everybody is dead in my family but one or two.  It just all goes so fast.  Most of what people get tangled up about is not important in the long run.  (Not to minimize anything that is really important, of course). 

[TianXiaXueXiao]

I need "intense conflict" defined for me. Is it just a matter of disagreement about a topic that has gotten heated as is likely to happen in hot-button topics? Or are we talking about someone being verbally attacked in a personal way? For the latter, I turn my back, dust off my hands, and walk away. For the former, it blows over and I make sure the person knows how important they are to me even if we don't see eye-to-eye. I never let those situations end without hugs and kisses.

[Guest]

I need "intense conflict" defined for me. Is it just a matter of disagreement about a topic that has gotten heated as is likely to happen in hot-button topics? Or are we talking about someone being verbally attacked in a personal way? For the latter, I turn my back, dust off my hands, and walk away. For the former, it blows over and I make sure the person knows how important they are to me even if we don't see eye-to-eye. I never let those situations end without hugs and kisses.

Yeah, this would not be disagreements over POV, politics, etc. This would be anything that either made you wonder if the person does actually like you, or makes you wonder if you do like them.

[TianXiaXueXiao]

Yeah, this would not be disagreements over POV, politics, etc. This would be anything that either made you wonder if the person does actually like you, or makes you wonder if you do like them.

 

Ok. Thanks for clarifying. If it is bad enough to make me wonder if the person actually likes me or the other way around, then it will hurt for a while but I will cut ties. This happened to me a few years ago. The person I foolishly called my best friend for over a decade repeatedly betrayed me and I would always look past it and extend grace and mercy because I loved her. Finally, when I was at my lowest in the hospital after a surgery, she came in the room and accosted me for being in the hospital while I had an infant that needed breast milk. I was laying there in the ER with uncontrolled bleeding after a gallbladder surgery that went sideways and she was yelling at me about breast milk. I realized at that moment that she was never the person I made her out to be. She was never the friend that I imagined. It sucked to cut ties and it hurt for a long time, but I am so glad I did. I ended up gutting many related friendships as well after realizing they were all of the same pattern. Now I can say that I do not have the kinds of experiences that you describe in the op with anyone else and don't expect I ever will again. Praise God.