how to get dh to help with boring day-to-day chores

[Halcyon]

this is not dh bashing. He's a good father, a good provider. No complaints there. But he refuses to clean up after himself in the kitchen (that's my biggest problem). What I am trying to impress upon him is that i really, really, really need him to not make a big mess in the kitchen and then not clean it up at all. He just leaves all of it for me, all the time. Whether he's making tea, coffee, soup, breakfast, he DESTROYS the kitchen. I am constantly cleaning up after him. He might make himself a sandwich and leave all the fixings out, bowl on the side table in the living room, crumbs all over the floor. He might make the boys a giant three course breakfast (when we're rushing to get out of the house, mind you) and just assume I will clean up after him despite my begging him to do something simple like oatmeal when we're under time constraints. He puts olive pits in the sink (we don't have a disposal) and then I have to fish them out of the drain. He spatters the microwave when heating things up and leaves it to harden. 

 

I have asked him to clean up after himself, but he flat out thinks I am being a nag, and that he does enough. And he does a lot, but never the day-to-day grind stuff (vacuuming, laundry, making beds, stripping sheets, dishes, etc)

 

I have tried to reconcile myself to this, but I am at my breaking point. I work too outside the home, and homeschool the boys, and I just need him to not leave a giant mess in the kitchen. 

 

Has anyone dealt with this? Please don't suggest I just "leave the kitchen a mess til he notices". That's too passive aggressive for me. I just don't know what to do, and would appreciate gentle suggestions.

 

 

SIgned,

mom who is going bonkers.

[Halcyon]

Nobody?  :huh:

[Rachel]

For me I have higher standards of a clean house. I don't like to go to bed if the house isn't straightened, floors swept, and dishes done. In 13 years of marriage I have learned that I have to let this go.

 

When I am particularly overwhelmed I let my husband know that I need to do x, y, and z before I can relax for the day but I could be done sooner if he helps. Not in a threatening or nagging way, just a reminder that we both had long days but working together gets the work done quicker.

 

As far as the kitchen, my husband will probably never clean up after himself as he cooks. He just doesn't see the mess. I have in the past asked him if I could arrange things differently to help keep it easier to maintain a clean kitchen.

 

Maybe pick one thing in the kitchen to approach him about. I would choose the olive pits. Maybe you could leave a small bowl next to the sink to collect the pits so at least you aren't fishing them out if the drain.

[Rachel]

(Continued) Then come up with solutions for the next problem.

[Ethel Mertz]

Family meeting and assign chores? That's all I've got.

[Critterfixer]

I just tell mine that I find a man that washes dishes irresistible.  ;)

[Ellie]

this is not dh bashing. He's a good father, a good provider. No complaints there. But he refuses to clean up after himself in the kitchen (that's my biggest problem). What I am trying to impress upon him is that i really, really, really need him to not make a big mess in the kitchen and then not clean it up at all. He just leaves all of it for me, all the time. Whether he's making tea, coffee, soup, breakfast, he DESTROYS the kitchen. I am constantly cleaning up after him. He might make himself a sandwich and leave all the fixings out, bowl on the side table in the living room, crumbs all over the floor. He might make the boys a giant three course breakfast (when we're rushing to get out of the house, mind you) and just assume I will clean up after him despite my begging him to do something simple like oatmeal when we're under time constraints. He puts olive pits in the sink (we don't have a disposal) and then I have to fish them out of the drain. He spatters the microwave when heating things up and leaves it to harden. 

 

I have asked him to clean up after himself, but he flat out thinks I am being a nag, and that he does enough. And he does a lot, but never the day-to-day grind stuff (vacuuming, laundry, making beds, stripping sheets, dishes, etc)

 

I have tried to reconcile myself to this, but I am at my breaking point. I work too outside the home, and homeschool the boys, and I just need him to not leave a giant mess in the kitchen. 

 

Has anyone dealt with this? Please don't suggest I just "leave the kitchen a mess til he notices". That's too passive aggressive for me. I just don't know what to do, and would appreciate gentle suggestions.

 

 

SIgned,

mom who is going bonkers.

 

Let him think you are being a nag and continue to tell him to clean up after himself. Point out to him that it is NOT enough that he is a good father and a good provider. Point out to him that he is showing great disrespect to you, in front of his children, by refusing to clean up after himself. Decent humanity even requires that.

 

I don't expect Mr. Ellie to do things like vacuuming, laundry, etc. Those things are my responsibility, part of my job because he leaves the house daily and I don't, and the one who is home the most should do those kinds of things. But I'd be all over him if he trashed the kitchen and walked away.

 

[Desert Strawberry]

Try talking to him in terms of respect. Men tend to understand these kind of things better in those terms.

 

"When you leave a mess for me to clean up, I feel like you don't value my time and efforts. I feel like a servant in my home. I don't like the expectations that I will take care of the mess without question. It makes me feel like I rank lowest in the house." 

 

We tend to think of fairness and love, but men tend to think in terms of respect and ranking. Be gentle, and try not to be accusatory.

 

Good luck. I hope you can work through this. We have had similar conversations.

 

ETA: I've been on both sides of this. I'm just as often the offender, in that I don't D's needs into account when I decide when and how to clean up. He just recently pointed out that if I clean the kitchen in the morning, instead of at night, he's already been in there, made and eaten his breakfast, and packed his lunch in a dirty kitchen, before I'm even up out of bed. I felt like a heel. I could not work in a dirty kitchen and he doesn't have time (nor should he be expected to) clean the kitchen before work. 

[zoobie]

Have you asked him why he thinks you should have to clean up his mess? Someone has to. If he doesn't, and there aren't magic elves, it's you. Defaulting to blaming you for nagging and continuing to leave you in the maid position is highly disrespectful.

[Guest]

This is what I'd say--

"Look, when you leave dishes and crumbs around, someone has to clean them up, right? Do you think it is fair that I work, homeschool and clean up after you? If so, you need to say that out loud so we are on the same page."

[blondeviolin]

My husband is slowly getting better about this only because I've been pointing it out. It's very laid back. We might be getting a snack after the kids are in bed and I'll say, "Sheesh...who made the eggs this morning and left out the eggs, the shells, the butter/oil, salt and pepper, and didn't even bother to put the pan in the sink?! Must've been those darn kitchen elves." And he'll chime in, "what a mess!" Or whatever. But if I list it out like that, he is more apt to put things back when he's in the process of cooking the eggs the next morning.

 

In my husband's case, it's not that he's trying to make a mess or even thinks I should clean it all. Rather, he's not aware of how much extra those simple things are to me when I'm juggling everything else.

[freesia]

I would ask everytime--please clean up your mess. Everyday, every meal. No one does enough that they don't need to clean up their own personal kitchen mess (unless meal is fixed for a meal in which someone--previously designated--is the clean up person for the entire meal mess). Expectations have to be agreed upon. You don't agree to cleaning up after him, therefore he shouldn't expect it.

[Critterfixer]

For DH and I it is less about respect and more about affection. I will go out of my way to make some of his chores here at the house more comfortable when I can. That might be making sure that he gets a tall iced glass of tea or lemonade taken to him when mowing, or hot tea if he's burning a brush pile, or making sure that the boys get sticks out of the yard before mowing, or simply keeping the garage in good order where he can find things easily. I'm probably going to give him the present of a completely clean fireplace, complete with perfectly clean doors for Christmas--that's usually his domain, but I can do it.

In return he tends to take the dogs for a long walk when I'm tired, or loads the dishwasher or washes, dries, folds and puts away laundry. 

I don't expect him to do these things. He doesn't expect me to help him with his chores either. It's just something we end up doing for each other.

[Jennifer132]

I sometimes feel that way about my dh. He leaves dirty dishes in the sink (doesn't rinse or wash them) and he leaves crumbs all over the stove. I'm tempted to say something along the lines of, " that really bothers me when..." but then I ask myself if I want him to pick on me for not putting my laundry away or leaving spots on the bathroom mirror or whatever else. The I decide I'd rather live with it since I'm sure I do things that irritate him that I don't really want to change either. :)

[TammyinTN]

We had this problem shortly into our marriage...I can't cook in a messy kitchen.  If you make a mess and leave it... then we have to go out to eat until it's fixed.  Dirty microwave....don't use it and let him know why.   Laundry--not put in the right bin or in the floor...not done.  Eventually they start to run out of clean stuff and comply.   I would tell my husband I wasn't his mother and I'm not the maid.  Didn't take but a little bit the get his flaws corrected. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Has anyone dealt with this? Please don't suggest I just "leave the kitchen a mess til he notices". That's too passive aggressive for me. I just don't know what to do, and would appreciate gentle suggestions.

 

 

SIgned,

mom who is going bonkers.

 

I know you said not to suggest this, but it works for me.  I've been falling behind on a lot of housework lately.  Yesterday dh cleaned a bathroom (he never does that), washed a bunch of dishes (he will do this sometimes), and did laundry (he sometimes does this).  He also vacuumed. 

 

I do what I can do.  If I can't get to it, then it sits there or someone else does it. 

 

Honestly, I don't think you can MAKE him change in this department.  If my husband started telling me to do this or that housework I'd think he were a nag too.  I wouldn't listen to him either.  LOL 

[justamouse]

 

I have tried to reconcile myself to this, but I am at my breaking point. I work too outside the home, and homeschool the boys, and I just need him to not leave a giant mess in the kitchen. 

 

 

SIgned,

mom who is going bonkers.

 

When you are working outside the home, the scales shift, totally. 

 

Tell him that you are going to hire a cleaner once a week, and that $ has to come from somewhere (like pizza night). So he can either clean up and save the $ by investing the time, or he can lay out the cash. 

[Guest]

When you are working outside the home, the scales shift, totally.

 

Tell him that you are going to hire a cleaner once a week, and that $ has to come from somewhere (like pizza night). So he can either clean up and save the $ by investing the time, or he can lay out the cash.

Um, even if there is a stay home spouse, there is no excuse for a grown adult who doesn't clean up their own messes. There are no house elves here!!

[JustEm]

I had this issue with dh.  He wasn't intentionally leaving the kitchen messy and expecting me to clean it up, he just didn't have it on his mind to clean.  Even when I told him that I need the kitchen cleaned before preparing anything he didn't change.  It wasn't intentional it was simply that he was in the habit of not cleaning up and it took a long time for it to become a habit.  When I started reminding him daily that I need the kitchen done he started making an effort to make it part of his new normal.  

 

At one point I felt that he was completely unwilling to do it and simply refused to do anything in the kitchen.  If I came downstairs to make breakfast fully knowing the sink was empty and the stove clean the night before I would walk upstairs and tell him I wasn't making breakfast because I can't cook in a messy kitchen.  If the kids complained to me that they were hungry I'd tell them to go talk to daddy because I wasn't making breakfast.  He ended up having to make breakfast.  If he didn't clean up the kitchen after breakfast then I'd wouldn't make lunch either and that was on him.  He goes to work after lunch.  If things weren't cleaned up after that then when dinner rolled around I would work in the mess and make the kids and myself dinner but nothing for dh.  When he got home I'd tell him exactly why he had to fend for himself, "because I can't work in a messy kitchen." After going a few days of that he realized how difficult it was to work with dirty dishes piled up, the dishes you need to use being dirty, and things all over the stove because I simply made food preparation his responsibility by default since I refused to cook in a messy kitchen.  It sucked being in that kitchen for a few days but he now understands where I'm at and almost always cleans up after himself.  When he doesn't it is usually because he is in a hurry to get out the door and I respect that he would have cleaned up if he had time.

[Tammyla]

  I think his attitude is extremely disrespectful and that coupled with destroying the kitchen would be a big one for me.   Talk with him and let him know how you feel, and what you need; then allow for his input to work out a compromise.

 

Imo, fwiw...I would be steaming mad with the willful messes and disrespect for you cleaning up after him like a little child.  If he isn't willing to at least adopt a thankful attitude...Well, honestly I would insist he change or bar him from my kitchen.  

 

:grouphug: Sometimes we ask for what we need today, even when we have been happy doing something for a long time.  kwim?

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Arcadia]

Pay your kids to clean up his mess or ban him from the kitchen.

I have a small trash can next to the sink for stuff like chicken bones and pits. That does help.

 

Can you ask him or your boys to help with vacuuming and stripping/making the beds? Laundry might be harder but vacuuming is something my boys can handle and do a decent job of.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Um, even if there is a stay home spouse, there is no excuse for a grown adult who doesn't clean up their own messes. There are no house elves here!!

 

Exactly.  I see nothing wrong with my husband doing housework even though I'm not bringing in money.  And at the very least he should pick up after himself.  I do happen to do stuff during the day that I'd consider important.  Like you know...school work with the kids, carting them to their activities, etc. 

[Spy Car]

I'll get back to you later :D

 

Bill

[Mbelle]

I have no idea.  I do get it though.  I need help with the daily evening clean up.  EVERY DAY.  It's the one thing I have not been able to solve.  It truly drives me crazy.  I'm following these replies!  

[MiMi 4under3]

If this is the ONLY thing DH does that drives you bonkers, I'd let it go.

 

I'd resolve to just clean up the kitchen when I found it a mess (but not the kids' mess). Maybe DH can take over one of your chores that he doesn't mind doing so the distribution of housework is more fair. Or maybe he can help out another way while you take care of the kitchen?

[SparklyUnicorn]

Based on what you have said in the past, I think part of the problem is your standards of clean and the importance you place on a perfectly clean home is not the same as his.  You probably aren't going to change that about him.  Just like you probably aren't going to change that about yourself.  So I dunno, you can choose to let it go as best you can, or constantly argue with him about it.  KWIM? 

[Ellie]

 

 

I have tried to reconcile myself to this, but I am at my breaking point. I work too outside the home, and homeschool the boys, and I just need him to not leave a giant mess in the kitchen. 

 

 

Sorry--I totally missed the part about your working outside the home. That makes things different.

 

Not that he should be able to get away with leaving his messes behind. Oh, no. That's still not ok. But since you also work outside the home, then by golly, vacuuming and laundry and whatnot are no longer only your responsibility.

 

When I worked, there were just three of us at home: 18yo dd, Mr. Ellie, and me. All of us were working (or in dd's case, also going to school). At that point I figured there were three adult people living in the house, and all three of us were equally responsible for everything. So I came up with this plan: I divided the house into three zones: kitchen/dining area, living room/down the hall, bathroom. Each of us was responsible for one zone, and every Sunday we moved one zone to the right. :-) No one could criticize how well the other zones were cleaned. We took turns (two nights a week, I think it was) deciding what to have for dinner; the person whose turn it was could either cook or order out, and no one complained about either one. I continued doing the laundry for both Mr. Ellie and me, because I had been doing it for so many years and I had it down to a fine art (dd had been doing her own laundry for years). I did not feel compelled to clean the zones for which I was not responsible.

 

If Mr. Ellie had prepared a big breakfast, he would have been responsible for cleaning the kitchen, and I would totally have been on his case if he hadn't (an exception to the no-complaining rule), because his leaving a mess would have affected everyone in the house.

[Rebel]

Since you are both working outside the home AND you are homeschooling, I would hire someone to come in and clean and take it out of the family "fun" money.

[lllll]

..

[JennyD]

Have you asked him why he thinks you should have to clean up his mess? Someone has to. If he doesn't, and there aren't magic elves, it's you. 

 

 

Yes, I would be interested to know what his response to this question is as well.  

 

Does he object to your children leaving messes around the house? Because this is terrible modeling, i have to say.

[Gentlemommy]

Watching. We have the same issues. Love dh, but he just does not notice the mess he creates. It's magnified because he's gone quite a bit, and while it's hard with him gone, my workload is tripled when he is home. I'm not even kidding.

[ErinE]

I've been thinking about your post. I work part-time, though not outside the home, but I'm the primary homemaker so I'm writing from the perspective of how I would approach it.

 

I think there are three issues:

 

He does things that you don't think he should do

Dad making breakfast for the kids is a wonderful treat even when rushed for time. If it happens every day, I'd ask him to pick a few less stressful days a week, making sure it was a day that we weren't rushed. If DH chooses to do it on another day, I'd tell him before he starts: everyone needs to be done with breakfast, kitchen cleaned, and getting ready by X:YZ time (20-30 minutes before you need to leave). If DH is making a meal, I'm usually the one cleaning it afterwards so I would ask DH for help if we were pressed for time.

 

He doesn't do things that he should be doing

Cleaning up after yourself is a basic expectation. I'd share my thoughts with DH, recognizing that I may have a different level of cleanliness. I would ask DH to put away stuff he's pulled out, but DH probably won't think to sweep up crumbs, wipe down the counters or wipe out the microwave. So long as counters are clear, I'll wipe them down, but I bought a microwave cover that sits on top of the microwave which has cut down on the splatter problems. Sweeping is a 2-3x a day chore for me.

 

He does not do things that you would like him to do

I do all the "day-to-day" grind stuff. I stopped working full time, knowing this was going to be my responsibility. If I were working out of the home, I would set aside one night a week for family cleaning. Everyone strips beds, vacuums, dusts, or whatever chores you assign. Currently, Saturday or Sunday afternoons, I try to set aside one hour where I ask everyone to pick up around the house.

 

[justamouse]

Um, even if there is a stay home spouse, there is no excuse for a grown adult who doesn't clean up their own messes. There are no house elves here!!

 

A lot of times men who were cared for by Mommy have just learned to not pick up after themselves. They have never gotten out of the bad habit of leaving stuff out. It doesn't occur to them that they are being selfish by creating more work for the other person. 

 

I think Charlotte Mason called this laying down the tracks. 

[AK_Mom4]

Maybe the division of labor isn't quite right?

 

I do all the clean up after meals. All of it. But I hardly ever cook anything, so it works out in the end. On the (very) rare occasions that I cook, DH and the kids take clean up.

 

But this is something we worked out early on in our marriage. Making a change to an established pattern of years is going to be tough. I think you are going to have to discuss it with your DH sometime when the kitchen ISN'T messy so it doesn't become a heated topic.

[Garga]

Haven't you written about this before? What exactly did you say to him last time and what exactly did he say back? Are you the boardie who can't see one little thing out of place without feeling antsy and unable to stop yourself from hopping up to clean it? Did you post a picture of your living room and there was a globe out or something?

 

I think you told us that you have HIGH standards of cleanliness and DH has more moderate standards. Is he putting *anything* away? Or is he really leaving a huge stinking mess? Does he pile the pans in the sink, but doesn't have time to wash them, or does he leave them scattered on the stove? Are the dishes stacked in the sink or left on counters/tables? Just how bad is it really, specifically?

 

Are there other issues like this, or is this the only one? Is your husband digging in his heels because this is the last straw? Or is this the only straw?

 

I'm asking because the answers to these questions can change how you deal with it. If he's leaving a reasonable mess (pans and dishes stacked in sink) that calls for a different response than leaving a horrendous mess (stuff stuck to stove, pans everywhere, ingredients all over, dishes spread around the house).

 

If everything is moderately tidy and he just ran out of time to wash up the dishes, I would just clean them. But that's if this is the ONLY issue and he's putting forth a good faith effort to somewhat lighten the load (stacking dishes, ingredients away), even if he doesn't eliminate it.

 

If he's making a tremendous mess AND if this is the ONLY issue you have, and he is completely stubborn and being blasé about what you need, or if he's acting like a spoiled child and it really has nothing to do with any over-the-top cleaning pressures from you, then I would consider refusing to cook in the mess as a PP said. There's a time to compromise (like the paragraph above) and a time to say "Enough is enough" (this paragraph.)

 

You'll have to step back and assess very carefully what the underlying issues are. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, your too-high standards, or his slobby ways? Are you causing him to be a jerk about this issue, or is his jerkiness about this issue coming out of the blue?

[Halcyon]

Pay your kids to clean up his mess or ban him from the kitchen.

I have a small trash can next to the sink for stuff like chicken bones and pits. That does help.

 

Can you ask him or your boys to help with vacuuming and stripping/making the beds? Laundry might be harder but vacuuming is something my boys can handle and do a decent job of.

Oh, I like the idea of paying the kids to clean up his messes.

[Halcyon]

Watching. We have the same issues. Love dh, but he just does not notice the mess he creates. It's magnified because he's gone quite a bit, and while it's hard with him gone, my workload is tripled when he is home. I'm not even kidding.

Yes, he travels a lot, and my work load is much less when he is gone also.

[rebbyribs]

If everyone is home and available to do cleanup at the same time, I'd try delegating a bit of housework to everyone at once.  For example, "DS1, please clear and wipe down the table, DS2, please take out the trash and recycling. DH, could you please unload and reload the dishwasher? I'm going to strip the beds and start a load of laundry."  

[6packofun]

Honestly, he's making YOUR workspace difficult to actually work in.  I'd ask dh what would happen if someone at his office (or wherever he works) messed up HIS desk/space and then expected him to work efficiently in it.  I do NOT make dinner in a messy kitchen.  This has been an issue with my *kids* rather than dh, who rarely even goes into the kitchen, lol.  So as it turns 4:00 or so and I see a mess in there, I announce that anyone who has messed up my workspace had better clean it up pronto or I won't be able to work on dinner. 

 

Also, I let dh know that kids don't respond well--especially as they get older--to a hypocrite who expects everyone else to clean up after themselves to make the family's living space comfortable and workable but is allowed to be a slob and have a set of maids take on extra work.  Truly, this is what is happening.

[Trilliums]

Sometimes a humor approach works with my kids.

 

 

"Please clean up your own messes instead of relying on me to do it lest I become a horrid nag."  Then mess up your hair, make a deranged facial expression and slowly limp away while mumbling to your self.