Wwyd in this situation

[leeannpal]

I'll try to be brief, but this situation is causing so much stress for all of us. I am an English teacher at a small, private school. My daughter attends 6th grade tuition free as part of my benefits package which, sadly, is not that great otherwise. Last year, my daughter had a terrible teacher at another small, private school and was ignored for the most part by the other kids because of being new. We decided to withdraw her and homeschool from November of last year. It was difficult homeschooling and working full-time, so we made the decision that she should try this new school this year. She has a great teacher, but, like last year, she has no friends and is becoming more withdrawn and sullen which is not her normal personality. She is a fun loving, outgoing and energetic child that does have the ADHD diagnosis but is no longer medicated. She has always been a "march to her own beat" type of child, so friendship has never come easily for her.

 

Well, we are three months into the new school year,and she is crying about going to school everyday. She says that the kids just ignore her and she ends up alone a lot during the day. She also thinks it is boring even though the curriculum is fairly rigorous. ( I guess we did o.k. With homeschooling last year after all!)

This is definitely not an academic issue. Her lowest grade on her first report card was an 86 in spelling because she hates to mindlessly write the spelling words 5 times each and didn't always do her homework. We do not have the option of me staying home to homeschool because of finances. My husband has a new job that will offer more opportunities in the future but not now. Since I am a teacher, night time work for me is out. Fortunately, my husband is working 3rd shift 11-7, so someone can be home with her. At 12 we do let her stay alone for a while during the day. So, our dilemma is whether to let her do virtual school or keep her at the school. Traditional homeschooling will not work with us because I found that trying to homeschool and teach full-time was too much. My husband helped with math last year but nothing else. He is not really in favor of homeschooling, but he is concerned with that change in personality in our daughter and her general unhappiness. He would probably agree to virtual school if the classes were in the afternoon so that he could get some sleep in the morning. I would be home by 4:00 most days to help out.

 

Personally, I wish she weren't so unhappy at school, and that we could just finish out this year. We are not planning on staying at this school another year anyway because of the low pay and lack of benefits. Our daughter knows this, but we also stressed that we would be willing to stay for her middle school years if it were truly the best situation for her. That's what her father and I want! but we just aren't sure what it is. I want to be honest and say that the middle school years were a real nightmare for me, so I know my experience may be coloring my perception of the situation. My husband didn't like middle school, but he did have friends, so he really wants her to tough it out.

 

Our options are to help her find a friend as best we can and encourage her to do her best to make it through the rest of the school year, to start virtual school after Christmas break but keep her in school, or to withdraw her after Thanksgiving and start virtual school in January.

[SKL]

It could be her age - that is a difficult age for many girls.

 

I guess I am not sure why she would be better off alone at home than friendless at school.  Is she being picked on or something?  I would think that if she is feeling bad a lot, home alone is not the place for her.  I would be worried the bad feelings would feed on themselves without some regular environmental stimulation.

 

Could she bring a puzzle book or something to keep her mind busy when there isn't anything else to do?

[SKL]

Would she be allowed to check in with you some time during the day?  Maybe have a job in the office instead of a study hall?

[bettyandbob]

If she does virtual school she will still be isolated from other kids. Will that fact that she is literally isolated be better for her. sometimes it is more painful to be isolated while surrounded by people.

 

It sounds like your dd might need something social. If she does virtual school will there be opportunity for you find social stuff for her to do. I was in similar situation a few years ago and I managed to make a trade with another mom--my dd hung out at her home and did school work there once a week. I did science experiments and fieldtrips with the two girls once a week. Obviously you would be able to structure the time the way I did, but you might be able to think of something to trade off.

 

What opportunities are there to get to know the other students at your school. Are there afterschool clubs or teams. I realize there might be a fee, but doing something might give her a chance to get to know other students.

 

 

[bolt.]

To me, a virtual school without any friends, and a physical school without any friends -- are pretty much the same social experience.

 

Academically, the teachers at a physical school are likely to be more effective than an online environment, where she would have to do her own heavy-lifting to get the learning done.

 

Therefore in your situation I would continue at the school she is currently attending. I would support her by providing the idea that it is 'grown up' to be able to do your work and not worry about petty teen drama of the social life around her. She does not need others, and she can be perfectly self-sufficient if she wants to be. These are all the same lessons that 'school alone at home' would make perfectly obvious.

 

There is nothing wrong with being a loaner. You get used to it, if no one (ie parents) makes a big deal of it. Pulling her out of school for it is making a big deal of it.

 

As mitigation for the loaner-at-school experience, I'd make sure she was in a constant rotation of various short-term extra curricular groups: swimming lessons, a season of this or that sport, a drama class, robotic club, etc. This will give her nice social exposure, without expecting too much of any one experience.

 

If she meets enough groups if kids, she will probably eventually "click" with another loaner, and become good friends. Statistically, it's likely that she just needs a wider pool of kids to choose from. (Do not make her aware of this goal -- they should be 'just activities' to her.)

 

If she continues to cry before school daily, there might be more to it than get getting accustomed to being independent in the school social environment. I'd suggest a short-term set of appointments with a counsellor or therapist -- to help her develop good strategies to deal with her own emotional life. (Which is also a skill that strong, independent women have.)

[Annie G]

What does her teacher say? Ask for honest feedback on how your daughter is doing socially, and make a plan based on that. For instance, if dd feels she's being excluded and teacher agrees, perhaps some role playing to teach her how to make friends or invite herself to sit down at a lunch table might help. 

 On the other hand, be prepared for the teacher to say something negative such as your dd brags about how easy the work is. Other kids might not find it so easy and that might turn them off from wanting to hang with her. 

 

She also might benefit from an outside activity like scouts, martial arts, art class, or something. Meet kids outside of school and broaden her potential friend base. 

[Χά�ων]

I would talk to the teacher and find out what she is observing with your daughter and the other kids. Then I would talk to the teacher and find out if there is a way to encourage the kids to get to know each other.

 

Maybe look at outside activities for her to build friendships that are not based on attending the same school and being in the same classroom.

[leeannpal]

I don't want her to just be alone either. She has a friend that she talks with and chats with on skype because they live in different cities.

 

The school is so small that it doesn't offer any clubs for middle school, and the only sports are volleyball, soccer and track, none of which my daughter cares for. Last year, she was involved in gymnastics, and we would probably start that again. She would also stay in youth group at church.

 

I really hesitate to use the word bullying, but there is a group of girls who pick on her a lot because she does not tend to conform to the group. My daughter has, I think, correctly assessed that some of the other kids are afraid to talk to her because these girls will likely shun that as well. Such is the world of middle school.

 

My daughter wants to be able to do school at her own pace and not have to sit bored in a classroom for hours. I do unrest and that, but I also know that, in life, we do have to put up with things we don't like and learn to make the best of it.

[Joker]

nm

[hornblower]

Any chance she could be pulled out of a class for part of the day to help with a younger grade? I remember in Gr. 7, there were 3 of us in the two gr. 7 divisions who were insanely bored & we ended up being asked to volunteer with the K & Gr. 1 teachers.  We had specific tasks, helped set up the classroom, & did some one on one reading to a couple younger kids.  I was a bullied kid at that time & while in some ways this made me even more odd, otoh, I got to hang out with some other smart kids in a slightly different setting and gave us time to talk away from the rest of the class environment. It didn't fix the boredom or bullying but it alleviated it a bit.

[Guest submarines]

To me, a virtual school without any friends, and a physical school without any friends -- are pretty much the same social experience.

 

 

It might be the same social experience, but it is a distinctly different personal experience!

 

The issue here is the one of control over one's surroundings--which is crucial in avoiding depression, for example.

 

There are many areas of a school life were control is taken away, while at home she will be able to create pockets of control that can ultimately empower her. If friendless is bad, then friendless but being able to get up and have a snack, or turn on music is infinitely better.

[allyphoe]

I third the suggestion for outside activities. My DD's circle of school friends has increased as the number of friends she has in outside activities has increased. The mom of one of her swim friends has seen the same thing - the less dependent you are on school as a source of friends, the more school friends you have. Even if the pool isn't wider, common interests make it easier to make friends in activities.

 

My DD has also done better with a large (~250 kids per grade) middle school than she did in the smaller (~70 kids per grade) elementary. The wider pool effect is at play there.

[bolt.]

I wouldn't take the fact that she feels bored as an indication that her learning speed surpasses the norm for her age, or that it is ahead of the speed that the teaching is happening.

 

It's entirely possible that she is learning right on-pace, and just doesn't like it because she is disinterested, thinks she understands 'the first time' but is actually benefitting from repeated information, or because her teacher is boring in his/her delivery style... Or lots of other reasons.

[almondbutterandjelly]

Since you said WWYD, I'll tell you.  I'd pull her out.  I see no reason to tolerate bullying (you hesitate to use that word but I do not.  They tend to pick on her and they ignore her to the point that even other kids can't talk to her or they'll be shunned.  Yep.  That's girl-style bullying) when you have an alternative.  Pull her out.  Have her do virtual school if that's the only way it can happen.  Maybe sign her up for some evening sports or get involved in more church activities or classes at Michael's, Joann or Hobby Lobby.  

 

You are noticing a personality change, plus she cries every day and doesn't want to go to school.  That's a big deal to me.  Pull her out.  That's what I would do.

 

((Hugs))

 

 

[zoobie]

ADHD affects social skills, and anxiety can be a comorbid condition. Was there a reason you stopped the meds? I'd look into whether her perception of the social situation is accurate before pulling her, but I wouldn't ignore her feelings in the meantime. Maybe a follow up with the psych who diagnosed the adhd? That age is so hard, and hormones throw things out of whack. What does her teacher think?

[leeannpal]

Her teacher is a man who has been teaching middle school for years. We had a conference last week, and has noticed that dd is ignored. He feels frustrated because there is only so much he can do. I know how he feels since I am a teacher too. He did move her seat near some girls who tend to be nicer to her, but it is more on a quick hello basis. Since I am at the school, I've actually witnessed her interaction with the other kids at times, so I do know my daughter is pretty accurate in how she views things. Last week, dd came to my room after school, and I encouraged her to go ask a couple of girls who were in the hall if she could play ball with them. (They were bouncing the ball in the hall playing some sort of game) I heard her ask, and they just told her to go away. She came back in my classroom, put her head on the desk and cried. My mama's heart just broke for her. I know she tries.

[Starr]

I'll try to be brief, but this situation is causing so much stress for all of us. I am an English teacher at a small, private school. My daughter attends 6th grade tuition free as part of my benefits package which, sadly, is not that great otherwise. Last year, my daughter had a terrible teacher at another small, private school and was ignored for the most part by the other kids because of being new. We decided to withdraw her and homeschool from November of last year. It was difficult homeschooling and working full-time, so we made the decision that she should try this new school this year. She has a great teacher, but, like last year, she has no friends and is becoming more withdrawn and sullen which is not her normal personality. She is a fun loving, outgoing and energetic child that does have the ADHD diagnosis but is no longer medicated. She has always been a "march to her own beat" type of child, so friendship has never come easily for her.

 

Well, we are three months into the new school year,and she is crying about going to school everyday. She says that the kids just ignore her and she ends up alone a lot during the day. She also thinks it is boring even though the curriculum is fairly rigorous. ( I guess we did o.k. With homeschooling last year after all!)

This is definitely not an academic issue. Her lowest grade on her first report card was an 86 in spelling because she hates to mindlessly write the spelling words 5 times each and didn't always do her homework. We do not have the option of me staying home to homeschool because of finances. My husband has a new job that will offer more opportunities in the future but not now. Since I am a teacher, night time work for me is out. Fortunately, my husband is working 3rd shift 11-7, so someone can be home with her. At 12 we do let her stay alone for a while during the day. So, our dilemma is whether to let her do virtual school or keep her at the school. Traditional homeschooling will not work with us because I found that trying to homeschool and teach full-time was too much. My husband helped with math last year but nothing else. He is not really in favor of homeschooling, but he is concerned with that change in personality in our daughter and her general unhappiness. He would probably agree to virtual school if the classes were in the afternoon so that he could get some sleep in the morning. I would be home by 4:00 most days to help out.

 

Personally, I wish she weren't so unhappy at school, and that we could just finish out this year. We are not planning on staying at this school another year anyway because of the low pay and lack of benefits. Our daughter knows this, but we also stressed that we would be willing to stay for her middle school years if it were truly the best situation for her. That's what her father and I want! but we just aren't sure what it is. I want to be honest and say that the middle school years were a real nightmare for me, so I know my experience may be coloring my perception of the situation. My husband didn't like middle school, but he did have friends, so he really wants her to tough it out.

 

Our options are to help her find a friend as best we can and encourage her to do her best to make it through the rest of the school year, to start virtual school after Christmas break but keep her in school, or to withdraw her after Thanksgiving and start virtual school in January.

 

You say she is no longer medicated. Were her personal interactions better when she was medicated?

[JustEm]

I was your dd in middle school but in kept my tears to myself for over a year before telling my parents. They didn't take me seriously at first and it ate away at me. I changed entirely in 6th grade cause I felt so isolated and no matter what I did no one would take me seriously. I still got good grades because focusing on my work was the only thing that got me through the school days. One day I had had enough and simply refused to ever step foot back in that school. When my parents heard that come out of their obedient, mature, and reasonable dd they realized how bad it was for me and found a new school for me that week. Since it was the kids in that particular school that were the issue things were great once out of that environment.

 

So if I were you I'd listen to her and take her out of the situation. Not liking school is one thing, crying because you don't want to go is entirely different. I'd simply withdraw her now or the soonest you can and enroll her in virtual school when you can. Being friendless at home and friendless surrounded by a bunch of kids are 2 entirely different situations. Once she's out of the school I'd help her find a group that she is interested in joining so she can find kids with the same interests as her.

[Guest submarines]

She's bullied, she's miserable, she's bored. I'd pull her out. She's not in an environment where she can grow and learn and be emotionally healthy.

[Ausmumof3]

I was your dd for a while in school and mum taking me out to homeschool was the best thing ever. The vague and occasional feeling of loneliness of being at home by yourself is nothing compared to the acute loneliness of going to school being surrounded by people and knowing none of them want to spend time with you. If you can swing it to pull her out it would. It is a totally soul destroying experience. She may be able to go to a different school later I was, but once you've been labelled at a school it can be nearly impossible to change.

[Plink]

 Last year, my daughter had a terrible teacher at another small, private school and was ignored for the most part by the other kids because of being new.

...

we made the decision that she should try this new school this year. She has a great teacher, but, like last year, she has no friends and is becoming more withdrawn and sullen which is not her normal personality. 

...

she is crying about going to school everyday.  She says that the kids just ignore her and she ends up alone a lot during the day.

Gently, it sounds like this truly is part of her "normal" personality since the change in school did nothing to improve her ability to interact.  Some social discomfort is to be expected at that age, but if she is crying EVERY day before school, it is apparent that this above and beyond the normal struggles of kids that age, and social situations are genuinely difficult for her.  Regardless of what you choose to do for school this year, I would make sure to get her social skills counseling/training.   Without help, she may withdraw to a dangerous level and have a hard time overcoming this in the future.  

[Alessandra]

ADHD affects social skills, and anxiety can be a comorbid condition. Was there a reason you stopped the meds? I'd look into whether her perception of the social situation is accurate before pulling her, but I wouldn't ignore her feelings in the meantime. Maybe a follow up with the psych who diagnosed the adhd? That age is so hard, and hormones throw things out of whack. What does her teacher think?

 

This.

 

Since you have an ongoing relationship with a medical professional, you could have him/her do an in-school observation speak with the teachers, and come up with a plan. Advice from a professional is more likely to be taken seriously than suggestions from a parent.

 

Does your dd have an IEP?

 

I would not pull dd out of school. Her situation is pretty common, and it sounds fixable.

[bolt.]

If you decide to keep her in, I can share some well-adjusted loner strategies.

 

I don't think it's the right idea to encourage her to be a 'joiner'... It just draws unwanted types attention. She can't be rejected if she isn't trying to insert herself. If the bullying is of the 'go away' variety, it probably won't continue if she lets up on 'joiner' behaviours. I think if she was just being an individual, focused student, eventually some one-on-one casual friendships could begin.

 

(If the bullying is of the 'notice and pick on' variety, that's another thing entirely.)

 

But, many others are correct. This is clearly very hard on her. I don't know if virtual school would be any better, but it might be a fair plan.

[Annie G]

Your original post mentions that friendships have never come easily for your dd. And last year and this year two different schools/classes have been socially difficult for her.  Pulling her out might be the best thing academically but you're not going to solve the social issue unless you figure out what's going on and find a way to help her overcome it.  Brushing it off to being the new kid last year or bratty girls this year isn't helping. 

 

You haven't really tried to fix the social issues she's having at school.  The teacher saying he can't do anything about her being ignored isn't really totally accurate.  He can do things to encourage her interaction with other kids- both boys AND girls.  Group projects, choosing dd and another kid to do a class chore together, etc.   There are tons of resources for teachers to combat bullying.   Has he even tried talking to the class as a whole and tried to get across to them that while they're at school they're a team? Do any team building?   He can also help dd learn to navigate the social waters at school- even when I was a child our teachers helped us through these rough patches.   Some teachers are REALLY good at not tolerating any mean spirited behavior. 

 

But I think you have to start with another discussion with the teacher. Is the issue that the other girls are being mean for no reason or is dd socially awkward? Being awkward is not an excuse for others to be mean, but it does mean that work needs to be done on two fronts- to teach dd how to be more socially aware and to teach other kids to value quirks instead of shunning another classmate. 

 

I feel for you and your dd- been there, done that.  But there's lots of hope- ds was so socially inept that I thought he'd never 'get it' and kids would never be nice.  But we worked hard and by his teen years he was fitting in quite well. Still quirky, but not annoyingly so. And as an adult, he's delightful. So hang in there- it gets better!

[Reefgazer]

Here's what I would do:  Pull her out and let her do virtual school, make sure she gets involved in sports/clubs/organizations outside of school so that she has peer interaction, and I would also get her help with social skills (since this is the second school where she has been socially ostracized, she may need social assistance).

 

ETA:  Another strategy, if you really cannot take her out of school, would be to approach the topic of these bullying girls with a "Do you actually *want* to be friends with these people or people who act this way?"  When DD was in second grade, there was a girl who was very popular and also very nasty to anyone else who wasn't in her little tight social circle.  DD wasn't bullied, but she came home kvetching about in one day, and I told her flat-out to run as far as possible from nasty people because they will bring you down.  I also told her that this was a good lifelong lesson.  So perhaps she can get her academics at the school, actively avoid the nasty people, and get her social interaction elsewhere, after school.

[Slartibartfast]

Virtual school doesn't necessarily mean the kids are isolated. My kid does virtual school, the kids chat with each other and they have field trips.

[maize]

She's bullied, she's miserable, she's bored. I'd pull her out. She's not in an environment where she can grow and learn and be emotionally healthy.

This.

 

Being isolated, ignored, and picked on in a group situation is much worse than being alone. It took me a decade to mostly recover from the scars of middle school, and I still can't think about those years without crying.

 

Get her out of there.

[Garga]

I was isolated and ignored from 4th grade through 12th grade.  It never got better.  I cried myself to sleep for 9 years straight. I went to bed early so I could have time alone to release that day's pain through tears. I never told my parents.  What could they have done?  None of us (my family) had heard of homeschooling back in the 80's. I had to go to counselling as an adult in my 30's to get past the pain of it. 

 

Now that you know my history, you know I'll say to pull her out of there.  Being alone at home is a respite.  Being alone in a roomful of people who are sending waves of animosity your way is very damaging to a child.  I'd move heaven and earth to get her out of there. 

[solascriptura]

Personally, I would do everything in my control to get her out of this situation.

[JoJosMom]

Her teacher is a man who has been teaching middle school for years. We had a conference last week, and has noticed that dd is ignored. He feels frustrated because there is only so much he can do. I know how he feels since I am a teacher too. He did move her seat near some girls who tend to be nicer to her, but it is more on a quick hello basis. Since I am at the school, I've actually witnessed her interaction with the other kids at times, so I do know my daughter is pretty accurate in how she views things. Last week, dd came to my room after school, and I encouraged her to go ask a couple of girls who were in the hall if she could play ball with them. (They were bouncing the ball in the hall playing some sort of game) I heard her ask, and they just told her to go away. She came back in my classroom, put her head on the desk and cried. My mama's heart just broke for her. I know she tries.

 

This is horrible.  There is no way I'd force a child to continue with this. And why on earth is this behavior tolerated?  You describe the school as a small, private school; is it Christian?  The reason I ask is, from our experience, this sort of behavior would be corrected. Is there a code of conduct and an environment in which you could expect action from the principal?

 

I am very sorry that your DD is going through this.  I know that girls of that age can be horrible to each other. I hope that there is some way to improve the situation but, under the circumstances that you gave, I'd be checking out the virtual school. :grouphug:

[foxbridgeacademy]

It might be the same social experience, but it is a distinctly different personal experience!

 

The issue here is the one of control over one's surroundings--which is crucial in avoiding depression, for example.

 

There are many areas of a school life were control is taken away, while at home she will be able to create pockets of control that can ultimately empower her. If friendless is bad, then friendless but being able to get up and have a snack, or turn on music is infinitely better.

Exactly.  

Those girls are bullying her but not in a way that can get them in trouble.  The pain and anguish they can cause with just a look can be devastating to a sensitive 12 year old.  I wouldn't wait past Thanksgiving.  I'd probably pull her out now.  But I was that sensitive kid who finally fit in by smoking, drinking and a bunch of other bad things.

[linders]

It sounds like the social/friendship side is the real problem, and virtual school, with you and DH working, would not really solve that. If someone isn't available to take her to some group thing - a co-op, classes, activities - where will she fill that need?

[Ausmumof3]

This isn't an isolated problem. Two schools an no friends? All the kids are jerks? Not likely.

 

She needs help not further isolation.

The kids may not all be jerks but if there are a few jerks they can do a great job of making sure none of the nice kids can talk to a kid the jerks dislike.

 

It's known that often kids that are established as bottom of the pecking order in one school will carry that to another school. Intervention might be able to help with but honestly in the mean time the damage that is done is not worth the risk. Take her out, find other opportunities and deal with the social stuff in a less hostile context.

 

That said you do have to find the social opportunities. That might mean taking her out in the afternoons where possible or finding weekend activities.

[CaitlinC]

I am a bit shy about joining in, but I happened to read your post and my heart goes out to you and your family and I felt compelled to put in my two cents worth.

What you describe in terms of the challenge for your dd of integrating into her new class sounds like a very very big hill to climb.

I would pull her out and either do the virtual classes as you've described, or find a school where the children are explicitly taught and encouraged to be kind to one another.

We talk about corporate cultures; well schools have their own cultures too.  And even if it's not the school, the children in her class sounds particularly unpleasant (not to mince words).

I think the story that you told about your daughter asking to join in the ball game and being rudely and ruthlessly turned away is very telling.

In my children's present school, there is no way that a child, even if incredibly quirky/ insert label, would be turned away having made the effort to join in.  

At their previous school, both my children, particularly my ds, were regularly isolated from the group.  Consequently, they became more withdrawn and less confident and in turn, less interested in others.

I thought my ds was an introvert by nature.  It took about a year, but after switching schools he gradually made more friends and joined in more activities.

Turns out, I was dead wrong.  He's quite sociable by nature and this came out because he was placed in a positive and inclusive environment. 

He and his sister have both blossomed and I credit the school (public) for explicitly teaching kindness and manners and sportsmanship.  

I feel very strongly that at your daughter's age, happiness should trump academics hands down.

 

 

 

[elegantlion]

I was isolated and ignored from 4th grade through 12th grade.  It never got better.  I cried myself to sleep for 9 years straight. I went to bed early so I could have time alone to release that day's pain through tears. I never told my parents.  What could they have done?  None of us (my family) had heard of homeschooling back in the 80's. I had to go to counselling as an adult in my 30's to get past the pain of it. 

 

Now that you know my history, you know I'll say to pull her out of there.  Being alone at home is a respite.  Being alone in a roomful of people who are sending waves of animosity your way is very damaging to a child.  I'd move heaven and earth to get her out of there. 

 

 

((Garga)) I hated school, was a loner and found solace in a few friends. I had horrible self-esteem as a kid due to one girl who bullied me and was in my same class from 4th grade on. I was in my late 30s before I realized I had internalized her words and they were still affecting me. 

 

 

I have a loner only child. I have no doubt his self-esteem is higher because he wasn't in a traditional school. He's quirky and marches to his own drum, likes what he likes, and doesn't give one rip about what others do or think. He doesn't think he's a speshul snowflake, but I feel  his intrinsic worth of a person is higher because we've encouraged that without negative input from people who don't get non-conformers. 

 

I'd pull her out and do virtual school. I would challenge her to do one activity at a time, like a sport or scouts or something that keeps her social and out among people. As a loner I do well with activities with time frames, that way if it sucks I know it's just for a short time.Maybe community classes that aren't just peer aged. My son does much better with adults as he's never gotten all the games that it seems some teens play. 

[ktgrok]

I'd pull her out. Ye,s she will still be isolated in virtual school, but she won't be ignored, or feel ostracized. It's different. I was similar to her, and regular school just was never a good fit. College was SO much better. Hugs.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I have a loner only child. I have no doubt his self-esteem is higher because he wasn't in a traditional school. He's quirky and marches to his own drum, likes what he likes, and doesn't give one rip about what others do or think. He doesn't think he's a speshul snowflake, but I feel  his intrinsic worth of a person is higher because we've encouraged that without negative input from people who don't get non-conformers. 

 

I'd pull her out and do virtual school. I would challenge her to do one activity at a time, like a sport or scouts or something that keeps her social and out among people. As a loner I do well with activities with time frames, that way if it sucks I know it's just for a short time.Maybe community classes that aren't just peer aged. My son does much better with adults as he's never gotten all the games that it seems some teens play. 

 

This (^) describes my dd, who is now a college freshman.  She was homeschooled through middle school, so she was never told that her quirkiness was weird, and she was rarely ostracized or treated badly.  As a result, she never internalized negative thoughts about herself.  She can recall the few times (homeschool co-op, cousin's birthday parties) where she didn't "fit in", but those experiences didn't define her (in fact, they bothered me a *lot* more than they bothered her).  She has become a highly functioning young adult who gets along well with people of all ages.  

 

By middle-school age, Dd did most of her school work independently at home, but she had plenty of opportunities to interact with other kids.  She was always in at least one dance class, and enjoyed choirs and art classes.  By the end of 8th grade, she started wanting more of a "school" experience, so for high school, she went to an academically challenging, independent private school where she was surrounded by lots of different kinds of kids, and lots of opportunity for activities.  If any of the other ever students slighted her, she didn't notice.  She was happy with her little circle of quirky friends, whom she kept as friends all through high school (even though they never chatted on the phone and rarely did other "typical" teen-friend things).  She participated in school musicals, and took dance classes for PE credits. She played role-playing games with her friends on weekends.  I don't think she's been in touch with any of her friends since graduation last spring, but I imagine they'll get together over Christmas break for a game of D&D.

 

She is still quirky, but she is *way* more comfortable in her skin than anyone else I know (including me).  She knows what she likes, and what she doesn't like.  She is introverted, but doesn't see that as a negative.  She dresses stylishly, but she doesn't feel a need to impress anyone.  She loves music and dance and theatre, but she is happy to be alone in her room with her guitars, her keyboard, and her iPad.  Now that she went to college, she chose (and went to great lengths) to get a private dorm room.  She really LIKES to be by herself.  That's a huge part of who she is.  

 

 

If I were you, I would pull your daughter out of that toxic environment.  Let her do her school work at home while she heals (perhaps with the help of a homeschool-friendly counselor).  Gradually encourage her to take a class or two (art or dance, weaving/ceramics, creative writing, or something that interests her) at a community center or hobby store.  If she's athletic, perhaps gymnastics or swim team would provide her the opportunity to meet like-minded friends, ideally without all the social cliques of school.

 

Your dd needs to know that you hear her, and are there to advocate for her.  

[leeannpal]

I thought I would come back and give an update on my daughter's situation. After a couple of other incidents, my husband and I agreed that pulling her was for the best, but we were both frustrated that it was not the optimal situation in which to homeschool since we both work full-time. Well, God in his wisdom has arranged things in ways we couldn't have possibly imagined just a few weeks ago. After talking with the administration at the school, they have agreed to let me teach 5 classes and forego my planning period and last class so that I can leave school at 1:30. Since I will now have the afternoons to homeschool, we are going with a more traditional approach and not a virtual schools. I am just so thankful that we can get her out and still have the financial means to homeschool. :hurray:

[almondbutterandjelly]

Yay!  ((Hugs))

[Elisabet1]

Give her more time. And talk to the teacher about trying to match her up with other kids.

 

My daughter did this a lot. Friends take time to make. She needs more time. If this were the first time and she were being bullied, I would say leave. But this is the second time, which means it is becoming a trend. Every time she leaves, she is the new kid again the next time.

[ktgrok]

So happy things have worked out!

[bettyandbob]

What's she doing in the morning? I'm curious. You might still be figuring it out.

 

I'm glad you have a solution to the immediate problem. Good luck!

[Ausmumof3]

Great news.

[Lisbeth]

It might be the same social experience, but it is a distinctly different personal experience!

 

The issue here is the one of control over one's surroundings--which is crucial in avoiding depression, for example.

 

There are many areas of a school life were control is taken away, while at home she will be able to create pockets of control that can ultimately empower her. If friendless is bad, then friendless but being able to get up and have a snack, or turn on music is infinitely better.

 

Amen to this!  What I would have given to be left alone at home, to learn on my own, rather than being in what was (to my junior high mind) a crucible-prison of boredom and mean, irrational people, all plodding along at a snail's pace.  Living a Lord of the Flies scenario had no appeal to me.  Alone with my books and a few outside friends would have been so less soul destroying.   That was my own personal experience, anyway.

[Lisbeth]

I thought I would come back and give an update on my daughter's situation. After a couple of other incidents, my husband and I agreed that pulling her was for the best, but we were both frustrated that it was not the optimal situation in which to homeschool since we both work full-time. Well, God in his wisdom has arranged things in ways we couldn't have possibly imagined just a few weeks ago. After talking with the administration at the school, they have agreed to let me teach 5 classes and forego my planning period and last class so that I can leave school at 1:30. Since I will now have the afternoons to homeschool, we are going with a more traditional approach and not a virtual schools. I am just so thankful that we can get her out and still have the financial means to homeschool. :hurray:

 

I love happy updates!  Yay!!

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I'm so happy that things are working out so well.  :)