*Alyssa* Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 There is something I want to do for my neighbors, but I wasn't sure if it'd be appropriate and thought I'd ask here before I proceed.Last year, my neighbors lost their only daughter at this time. We know very little of the story, but the father briefly choked out through his tears that she had an asthma attack she did not recover from. Despite having buried my own children, I wasn't sure how to let them know we care last year, so I purposefully put in my calandar to do something this year at the one year anniversary. People often forget this date, so I know how much it meant to me the few who remembered my children one year later.The problem is that we don't know them very well, so I don't want to offend them either. We barely learned the father's name the day he told us his daughter died, but still don't know the mother's name. Other than a few very short conversations with them and some hand waves, we simply do not know them. In fact, after their daughter's death, the mother wouldn't look in our direction and every time I waved, she would not wave back. (The father did continue to look at us and wave, though.) It was only a few weeks ago that she finally waved at my husband when he was coming home and passed by her. (We have more than a handful of children and they don't know we've buried our own, so I'm sure our family, especially our daughter of the same age as theirs, hurts them a bit.)Furthermore, as much as people don't want to bring up race issues, there is that, too. There are cultural differences in how people grieve and to ignore that fact is to ignore the elephant in the room. In the days after their daughter died, those cultural differences were evident, because that wasn't how we grieved outwardly. So I want to keep in mind the way a message can be portrayed to different people, depending on their background.What I'd like to do is simply send a bouquet of pink tulips with a small note about remembering their daughter and that we're thinking about them. When they buried their daughter last year, they all wore pink (including the men) and lots of it, so I tried to find tulips that resembled the same bright pink they had on.Personally, if someone I didn't know did this for me, I would be greatly touched. Mind you, I'm not a cut flowers kind-of-gal, but the mere thought of someone having taken the time to do that for me a year later would touch my heart far deeper than when people send flowers shortly after my loved ones death. Know what I mean? At the same time, I don't want it to send the wrong message. What is that wrong message? I have no idea, but that's why I'm here. I want to make sure I'm not doing something short-sightedly and end up hurting them, instead of lifting them up.What do you all think? How would you feel? :o***The mother's reaction is updated on post #29.******Another update on post #44*** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I think it's a lovely gesture. I always write a note to my sister on the anniversary of her husband's death, and also on his birthday, just to let her know I still remember and miss him. The same goes for a dear friend whose teen grandson took his own life. Remembering every year means so much to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I think you are very sweet. I don't know how that could be taken as anything but a consideration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I think it's a wonderful idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Thank you, ladies! It's nice to have reassurance that it's not a crazy idea that would completely offend someone. :oI guess the reason I worry it'd offend is because the mother is somewhat stone cold in all outward appearances. I certainly don't want to offend her. I think the father would be touched as much as a man can be for the nice gesture, because he's always been pleasant with us. I'm doing this more for the mother, because her cold stone outward appearance makes me want to give her a hug, but she'd probably hit me if I tried. (Not kidding.) She has never been outright rude with us, but just cold towards everyone. We saw the father cry when their daughter died, but in public, she didn't cry at all. Yet, I know she loved her daughter deeply, so I'm not questioning her love for her daughter as much as I realize how private she is in general. I am private like that, too, so I understand. I don't want to embarrass her with the gesture or make her feel uncomfortable around us now. I don't know if that makes sense or not.In any case, it sounds like it's a good idea and unless someone gives me a reason to doubt within the next 30 minutes, I'll go ahead and have the flowers sent today. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I think it would be very thoughtful. go for it. eta: the mother may be stiff and cold because that is simply how she handles grief. maybe or maybe not because she doesn't know you know, even with your more than a handful of kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I think that is a beautiful and thoughtful way to remember their daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I would attach a note that says " I know what it's like to lose a child. I wanted you to know that you are in my heart, and that someone was thinking of you and your daughter, and that she has not been forgotten" or something like that. Maybe knowing you have been there, will help her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 My family is demonstrative with their emotions but around strangers I would be more aloof. Grief is an intimate, personal thing and people handle it different ways. In such situations I usually send a flowering plant that will flourish in that area like a little rose plant, peonies, or crape myrtle. I am sure your tulips would be appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 I think it would be very thoughtful. go for it. eta: the mother may be stiff and cold because that is simply how she handles grief. maybe or maybe not because she doesn't know you know, even with your more than a handful of kids. She had a cold appearance before her daughter died, but I think her cold heart possibly made her even more cold hearted in this past year as she has grieved. It has made me heart-sick for her. :crying: When my husband said she waved at him recently, I was truly in a state of shock, but relieved to see that perhaps she is beginning to let her wall down. We all heal in our own ways and in our own time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 I would attach a note that says " I know what it's like to lose a child. I wanted you to know that you are in my heart, and that someone was thinking of you and your daughter, and that she has not been forgotten" or something like that. Maybe knowing you have been there, will help her. Interesting you'd say this, because I mentally want to tell her that, but I am very private myself. It's very easy for me to tell all of you that I've lost children, because this is a relatively anonymous outlet. However, I'm not likely to tell you this in person, because I'm private about my personal life to others. I would never tell anyone I know in real life that I'm doing this, but none of you know me, so it doesn't bother me as much to mention this here. That's just how I handle things. You have me debating whether or not to include this now or not. :o *Sigh* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I think it would personally be a nice gesture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2myboys Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 You are going to have the flowers delivered and not bring them yourself, is that correct? I think that would be nice for someone who is private since there will not be the pressure of a reaction in front of you as the giver. I would also include in the note something about you having been there yourself. Maybe it will help her to know that. I think it is such a kind and thoughtful gesture, especially choosing the color. I hope it will touch their hearts and help them feel loved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilma Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Send them! It's lovely and you're a lovely neighbor. Kindness is always appropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2myboys Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 If it is painful for you to mention your own grief, I still think it would be a nice gesture without mentioning it. It might bring down the wall between you all a bit, but is not necessary. I was more thinking of her and that it might be comforting to her to know that she was not alone in her suffering. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 If it is painful for you to mention your own grief, I still think it would be a nice gesture without mentioning it. It might bring down the wall between you all a bit, but is not necessary. I was more thinking of her and that it might be comforting to her to know that she was not alone in her suffering. Yes, I am purposely having them delivered. It's not painful to mention my grief, as I'm just private about it. I prefer to cry alone, but I'll readily cry in front of close friends and family. Plus, I don't want to draw attention to my own loss. I wonder if our loss among many children wouldn't make her feel better in the midst of her losing her one and only child. Of course, we don't feel that way about our own loss, but I'm not sure how the message would come across to her. Know what I mean? I just want her and her husband to know we care about them and are thinking about their daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilma Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 One is never in the wrong when one falls on the side of kindness. Amen and amen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 Alright, I made the order and it should be there sometime this afternoon. :001_smile: I opted to keep the message simple. I believe this is for the better and they'll be touched by the brief message instead.Thank you so much, ladies, for chiming in with your thoughts! It was very helpful and put my heart to rest. :o Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wilma Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Way to go! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Send them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 What a beautiful and sweet act of kindness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I guess the reason I worry it'd offend is because the mother is somewhat stone cold in all outward appearances. I just want to say that I may give off this impression. After being on these boards for many years, I know that I see things differently than "normal" people, and I often take things differently. I would be so touched by the flowers, if I were this mom. Your gesture is lovely and thoughtful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2myboys Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Yes, I am purposely having them delivered. It's not painful to mention my grief, as I'm just private about it. I prefer to cry alone, but I'll readily cry in front of close friends and family. Plus, I don't want to draw attention to my own loss. I wonder if our loss among many children wouldn't make her feel better in the midst of her losing her one and only child. Of course, we don't feel that way about our own loss, but I'm not sure how the message would come across to her. Know what I mean? I just want her and her husband to know we care about them and are thinking about their daughter. Follow your heart on what to say. I think you are doing a beautiful thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I think it's a lovely gesture. How very kind of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I'm glad you did it, and I'm sure it will mean a lot to the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted April 30, 2014 Author Share Posted April 30, 2014 *Update*That was fast delivery! It was delivered in just one hour. I happened to see them pull up to deliver the flowers, so I decided to watch to see if my neighbors would answer the door (as they both work crazy hours and may have been sleeping). The mother's car is gone, but surprisingly, she is the one who answered the door! I think I was more blessed than she was, because while I couldn't completely see her face in the dark shadows of her doorway, there was no doubt I saw bright white teeth smiling from ear-to-ear. I have not seen her smile since her daughter passed away, so that made my heart sing with gladness!I saw the florist person point over at our house to tell her it was us and my neighbor pointed back in a surprised manner, but with an even bigger smile. Based on the physical communication, I can safely say they were very well received and I am truly blessed by that. :o I hope it warmed her heart as much as it did mine.Thank you all for taking part in making someone's day a little bit better today!!! :thumbup: :001_wub: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I am so glad! That is totally awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Interesting you'd say this, because I mentally want to tell her that, but I am very private myself. It's very easy for me to tell all of you that I've lost children, because this is a relatively anonymous outlet. However, I'm not likely to tell you this in person, because I'm private about my personal life to others. I would never tell anyone I know in real life that I'm doing this, but none of you know me, so it doesn't bother me as much to mention this here. That's just how I handle things. You have me debating whether or not to include this now or not. :o *Sigh* my grandmother was a "tell all and sundry your latest misfortune to get sympathy" manipulator. so, I completely locked things in as much as I could. my life would have been so much easier if when I fell apart in school due to the grief over my father's suicide when I was 12 (which was overwhelming and I had a difficult time controlling it), I could say "my father died" to my peers. not speaking made things worse - and I didn't because my maternal grandmother was so stinking manipulative about everything. we're human, and humans are social creatures, but to be social requires a degree of vulnerability. I really think you should send the flowers and a note. (I'm so glad you did :) ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 *Update* That was fast delivery! It was delivered in just one hour. I happened to see them pull up to deliver the flowers, so I decided to watch to see if my neighbors would answer the door (as they both work crazy hours and may have been sleeping). The mother's car is gone, but surprisingly, she is the one who answered the door! I think I was more blessed than she was, because while I couldn't completely see her face in the dark shadows of her doorway, there was no doubt I saw bright white teeth smiling from ear-to-ear. I have not seen her smile since her daughter passed away, so that made my heart sing with gladness! I saw the florist person point over at our house to tell her it was us and my neighbor pointed back in a surprised manner, but with an even bigger smile. Based on the physical communication, I can safely say they were very well received and I am truly blessed by that. :o I hope it warmed her heart as much as it did mine. Thank you all for taking part in making someone's day a little bit better today!!! :thumbup: :001_wub: I am so thrilled for you and for her. That actually made me tear up. You are a wonderful neighbor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 Thanks for the update -- I'm so glad you got to see your neighbor when the flowers arrived! :) You did a truly beautiful thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 responding to wrong thread…oops Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2myboys Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I have tears in my eyes reading your update. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I love this, I'm glad you sent them, and I'm glad you got to witness the reaction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 This thread has warmed my heart today. What a kind and thoughtful person you are Alyssa. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 What a beautiful gesture. Best wishes that a closer relationship may ensue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 This restore my faith in good people. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 This thread has warmed my heart today. What a kind and thoughtful person you are Alyssa. I wish more people would think of others enough to follow through with some very simple acts of caring and support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted April 30, 2014 Share Posted April 30, 2014 I am so touched by this kind gesture, and glad that your gift was well received. Thank you for sharing this. You are so kind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in IN Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 What a thoughtful way to remember their daughter and reach out to them - I'm so glad you got to see her response. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 my grandmother was a "tell all and sundry your latest misfortune to get sympathy" manipulator. so, I completely locked things in as much as I could. my life would have been so much easier if when I fell apart in school due to the grief over my father's suicide when I was 12 (which was overwhelming and I had a difficult time controlling it), I could say "my father died" to my peers. not speaking made things worse - and I didn't because my maternal grandmother was so stinking manipulative about everything. we're human, and humans are social creatures, but to be social requires a degree of vulnerability. I really think you should send the flowers and a note. (I'm so glad you did :) ) :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: My father committed suicide when I was young, too, and so did my brother. I wasn't as private when I was young, so I can only imagine how painful that was for you to keep it all in. :crying: I'm really sorry about your Grandmother, too! I think we all know someone like that and it can really grate on the nerves of even the most patient person. Being social definitely requires a large degree of vulnerablity for some people. Someone recently asked what others Myers-Briggs Personality Test results are and mine is an INFJ. For all the INFJs out there, they'll understand what that vulnerablity looks like for us. It's pretty humilitating to be so open about our personal lives, but yet, we long to listen for hours to the lives of others. Such a catch .22! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Alyssa* Posted May 1, 2014 Author Share Posted May 1, 2014 I wish more people would think of others enough to follow through with some very simple acts of caring and support. Actually, this is a lesson I learned today. :o So many times I want to do something for someone, but then I fear I'll mess it up somehow, so I end up doing nothing. That is probably a big reason why I came on here to ask what others thought, because surely I was about to mess it up and someone would stop me if I was! Well, I'm glad to know I wasn't going to mess things up and you all assured me of that. Meanwhile, the story of today's simple act of kindness has already shown more fruit since I last updated and I think this is the beginning of a wonderful relationship with our neighbors! :blush: **So here's the update** Shortly after I posted my last update, my neighbor came to my door and knocked. I couldn't answer the door, because I was nursing a newborn. She had something in her hand, but I didn't know what it was or what it could possibly be. A few hours later, my dh came home and I asked him to go over there to let her know we weren't ignoring her. He did. She was overwhelmed by the gesture, to say the least, and kept telling him how she wanted to meet me. She was sorry we hadn't met sooner and apologized for this. She expressed her gratitude over and over, while holding back tears and telling him little tid bits about her daughter. She handed him what she had initially brought over, which was her daughter's funeral pamphlet. She said she normally wouldn't give this to just anyone, but was so touched by what we did that she wanted us to have it. I must say, this was the most beautiful funeral pamphlet I had ever seen, and really touched my heart as to how well it was done. I cried my eyes out reading about her life, seeing all her pictures, and completely lost it reading the letter her mother and father wrote to her. So beautiful and so sad. :crying: For her to have given me this pamphlet with such intimate details really touched me in a very deep way, because ladies, she has refused to even look at me since her daughter died. Now she wants to meet me beyond a hand wave from ages ago? I'm in shock, but I'm also in awe that such a small act of kindness broke down this very obvious brick wall between us that seems to have been demolished instantly. I'm not sure what kind of beginning this is, but it is clearly going to be something good. I'm so blessed! :001_wub: Truly, it is more blessed to give than to receive. For all of you who said this blessed you today, I encourage you to go out and do something like this, too. Pass it on. You won't regret it! :thumbup: ***On a side note, this was not her only daughter, but the only child of her husband. She has two other young adult "children". Still, I'm glad I chose to leave out anything about our loss in our message to her. My dh briefly mentioned our loss to her, but still tried to make sure he kept the focus on her daughter. This is her day, not ours. We both prefer it that way, but now she knows we have loved and lost, too. Hopefully that only helped create a further breakdown of the wall that was between us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 My goodness, I am tearing up here. And I think it's so neat, you just described yourself as someone who loves to learn about the lives of others, and she sends you this remarkable gift of a program from her daughter's service. Gives me the shivers, just too neat for words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Thank you for the update. By the time I first read the thread, you'd ordered the flowers, so I didn't reply then. But, I think you did a wonderful thing, and I'm so happy to read about how it was received. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Thank you for the update. By the time I first read the thread, you'd ordered the flowers, so I didn't reply then. But, I think you did a wonderful thing, and I'm so happy to read about how it was received. On phone. Quoting to agree and ditto this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 What a beautiful gesture. "Firsts" are so very hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 :grouphug: Oh my goodness, what a lovely outcome. I'm so glad you had the courage to make that move and touch that mother the way you did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aura Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Thank you for sharing. It's a wonderful reminder of small acts that can be so big. And it goes beyond you and your neighbor...everyone who had now read it has been encouraged by your act of kindness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 That's a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 1, 2014 Share Posted May 1, 2014 Thank you for relaying all of this, and what a beautiful lesson for all of us! It is also a reminder to me that you never know what is going on inside of a person. I mean, you had read her to be a cold, emotionless-type person (and not interested in your friendship), but that really wasn't her at all. It's just how she happened to come across. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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