So tired of being 'in between' and not fitting in anywhere.....

[HSmomof2]

nm

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[unsinkable]

Aww, I'm sorry. That really is difficult.

 

I wish I had some answers for you! I hate that people draw lines like that.

 

((((Hugs)))

 

I hope you can find 1 or 2 like minded families. Can you call other Lutheran parishes and ask the secretary if she knows of any homeschoolers?

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm sorry. I know *exactly* how you feel.

[Anne in CA]

I also know how you feel. Thinking for yourself just is not popular in most circles. I am sorry.

[Jennifer in MI]

You know what?  I found that I fit in better with PSers than homeschoolers!  I made friends with a neighbor who connected me with a group of women from my town with young kids on Facebook.  I get along with those moms more than the homeschoolers in my hometown.  Sad, but true.

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[HSmomof2]

nm

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[North Coast School]

No advice, just empathy.  We are Episcopalian, so we dealt with the same issues with other Christian homeschoolers that you have.  I made a few nice Christian friends, but they always got around to trying to "save" me and my kids because we were baptized as babies. (sigh)  Never mind the looks of shock that I got when I shared that I am actually Roman Catholic, attending Episcopal church for the sake of my family.  Oh the horrors!  I actually had nightmares about defending my Catholic faith to the Christian homeschool co-op!  The sweetest friend I made homeschooling, and the one that has stuck with me, is LDS.  She totally understands not fitting in!

 

The uncurched unschoolers thought I was a wackadoodle for all the academics I was pushing, for having religious studies as well as the fact that I kept an open channel with the PS for testing, etc.

 

Now my kids are in PS and my homeschool buddies have dropped me like a hot potato.  It's like I am practicing child abuse by sending my kids to school.  And the PS families think that I a churchy-homeschool-weirdo, so i don't fit in there, especially when I assert that I might go back to homeschooling eventualy.

 

Heck, I don't really even fit in on this board, either...but i read anyway!

[G5052]

I've always found more support here than locally for the details of homeschooling.  We currently don't belong to any kind of group because I got tired of them, and we're in the end game anyway.  I don't think that will change in the next few years.

 

On the surface, we've had friends who overlooked our differences, but I've never found anyone who has kids the age of mine who matches our viewpoints 100%.  Most of our closer friends from early on are no longer homeschooling.

 

So yes, it happens.  None of my closest friends is homeschooling.  We have other things in common, and they support me in my choices no matter what.  So I focus on that.

[Harriet Vane]

I can relate. Big time.

 

Where we used to live there were zillions of different "flavors" of homeschoolers. It was a large, diverse community where I found a lot of like-minded people. Also, even those that didn't think just exactly the same as me were still generally friendly and accepting (probably due to having to rub elbows with so many diverse people more regularly). I had many homeschool friends all over the spectrum, and I also had tons of public and private school friends.

 

In our new community, we have found that we are the weirdos wherever we go, lol. We have found there is more polarization between groups, and we have found that homeschoolers are fewer and farther between. We're doing fine here, making friends and settling in, but it's not nearly as diverse or as accepting as our former home city.

[Mrs Mungo]

I also sent you a PM. :)

[Joanne]

(((Hugs))) I was never Christian enough for Christians. And I was too Christian for many Pagans and atheists.

[JustEm]

I'm Catholic and have experienced this with non Catholic christians so I know how you feel.  Are there any Catholic home school groups near you.  Or maybe try to start something with the 2 Catholic women you know.  Of course it all depends on the Catholic home school group you choose.  There is one near me that I would never fit in with because I don't LOVE the Latin Mass and I don't believe that Mass should only be in Latin.  

[Shamzanne]

That is such a frustrating situation to be in . . . I was there myself and it bites. I am really lucky in that I found a like-minded homeschooling family who I happen to live next door to. I wish for you that you will find someone similar.

 

We have also had good luck with a charter/distance learning school in our area. It is technically a public school, but we are given funds to buy curriculum and for extra-curriculars. They hold field trips several times a month. It runs the full gamut of conservative Christians to unschoolers but we seem to all get along, maybe because we can't talk religion.

 

It really sickens me when Christians are so exclusive.

[Alexigail]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with that!  It's really unfortunate that even as adults people tend to be cliquey and exclude one another.   :grouphug:

 

I think if I were you, I'd look for friends outside of homeschool circles.  In my community, I spend time with friends of friends, people who come to the library for various clubs, people from my church, neighbors etc. Very few of them homeschool.  If they do, it's incidental to the friendship rather than the source.  I know this isn't possible for everyone, but I've found friends for myself and my kids in a variety of settings.  Perhaps finding a local club like 4H or something at the YMCA that has  no particular religious agenda would be a good start.

 

It's funny, but I've heard from so many different "flavors" of Christians that they feel excluded by others. :glare:  I think it's silly that differences in theology or whatnot even come up in a social setting.  Among close friends, maybe, but not in a group that isn't meant to be exclusive to one denomination.   Being EO, I don't really fit in at all with anyone else.  However, it's possible to have mutual respect for one another's beliefs, or simply not address them.  If people are excluding you based on your particular set of beliefs, it's time to find others who will love you for who you are.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Edit:  Reading your second post, it looks like you could also start by inviting the other excluded families for a playdate.

 

[texasmama]

I'm really sorry to hear this, OP.  If you were close to me, I would introduce you to my co op homeschool group  Denomination is irrelevant.  We have "Christian" in the name, but there is no SoF.  It's a very accepting group.

[abba12]

Yep, been there. We actually had this issue when finding a church too. I'm either too christian or not christian enough, depending on if we are talking to 'normal' christians or fundamentalist, quiverful christians. And the non-christians think we are right out loonies!

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm really sorry to hear this, OP.  If you were close to me, I would introduce you to my co op homeschool group  Denomination is irrelevant.  We have "Christian" in the name, but there is no SoF.  It's a very accepting group.

Until some percentage of the group decides that the group is *too* accepting and decides to implement a bunch of junk to oust the non-like-minded. BTDT.

[texasmama]

Until some percentage of the group decides that the group is *too* accepting and decides to implement a bunch of junk to oust the non-like-minded. BTDT.

Well, this group has been going strong for over ten years, and that hasn't happened yet.  I'm sorry you had a bad experience, though. 

[Susan C.]

So sorry you are going through this. I'll put a few (disjointed because its noisy here..) things out there. I felt pretty much the same way through the last decade of homeschooling. I am "retired" both dc are graduated. I was talking with one dc lately, and yes, there was stuff for him to work through himself feeling like he didn't fit in the group. Yes, there were friends, but none close enough where they really connected. And all of that "fundy" stuff was tiring for us. We tried to be respectful of those that believed like that, but it was so tiresome, it just wasn't us. (We are moderate too). And it took up so much brain "real estate." And we always had to be careful, couldn't just let loose and be ourselves. And we also struggled with what others thought about how good of Christians we are...That does affect you. Some would be healthy to learn from, but a steady diet and you are just always coping. He said he wonders what would have happened if he had gone to school in high school, maybe even earlier. It doesn't bother me to be discussing it. I want input, and my dc know I did what I thought best and had their best interests in mind. I met mothers from PS when I took them to a few functions where they knew PS kids, and we were always "different" in their eyes because we homeschooled.  But I also felt we got along better with those kids/moms. It wasn't as "complicated." There weren't as many rules. I could just be myself.

 

All to say listen to your heart and work it out to make the life you want.  Do what works best for you. I isolated and had a good time with my dc, gave them a good education, so it all wasn't all bad. But it was a bit of an adjustment for both when they went to college. It was fine, and they enjoyed the interaction.... to the point they wonder if they might have wanted to "break out" sooner than they did. I know could have beens you never can know, but I know for teens, it really hurts to be rejected and not fit in and it does affect them. Of course, that could have happened at school, but there are more people, and so also higher chances of finding your group.

 

Best wishes to you and your family. Hang in there!

[T'smom]

I know exactly what you mean....and what is funny is that we don't believe in infant baptism and we do believe that communion is symbolic.....but I feel exactly as you do. I absolutely do not care what other people think about those two subjects or the young earth thing....but other people seem to care what I think.

 

I am Christian and liberal. Very Christian and very liberal. So it is safe to say, there are very few groups I fit in with.

 

I have found a few like-minded moms (well, not like-minded, but like-minded in that we don't care about religious affiliation) on a local homeschool Facebook page. Someone started having park days and a couple of us that have kids the same age started hanging out and next year we are going to get together to do science and art projects. You don't have to find a whole group.....just a couple other people.

[Starr]

Thanks....I'm not even looking for other Lutherans....I'm just tired of being made to feel we aren't 'real' Christians. Sadly I've seen this happen to the two Catholic homeschoolers I know. They're totally excluded from our co-op just from one sentence in the SofF. A lady we met at a PE class invited us to a craft day she and her friends were hosting at the library. I asked if I could invite one of the other moms I talk to during class and her daughters(lovely, kind woman and daughters). In fact, her dd's are the only ones that speak to my dd in the class. The host mom replied, "No, I don't think that's a good idea. You do know they're Catholic?" It's this type of behavior that I am just so sick of. No one else in our church homeschools--they either use ps or one of the private schools run by our church.

 

 

Right here you have two families to befriend. They must feel even worse than you do. Call them and head off to a museum. Don't worry if the kids aren't the same ages.

[Doodlebug]

Oh honey bun. I hear you.

We are Anglicans posing as Baptists.

Our small Anglican parish closed in May and we found our local protestant liturgical church options generally aloof. So for now, my head is in the sand regarding doctrine while we cherish the warm fellowship and occasional nods to the church calendar offered by our small Baptist congregation.

Oh my gosh. We are Baptists. Still processing that one, apparently!

I also live in the Deep South and have an inclination toward immediate aversion to all things culturally rote. Football, what your mama said, how evil Common Core is, how God _________. (Insert most anything that isn't clearly defined by Scripture/Creeds). I don't have answers to those questions and generally don't find a strong sense of comradery with those who do.

I feel as though I should say nothing more. My claim of "loner" seems far too well founded at this point. :).

You are not alone, and I wish other homeschoolers with a healthy sense of skepticism would out themselves. (In real life). Perhaps this has nothing to do with it, but some of my dearest friends are Catholic -- on issues that don't confront doctrine, they are happy to say, "I don't know--let's call it mystery."

Thank God for mystery and for friends who say "I don't know." I need more of THOSE people in my very linear orthodox set. ;)



I was writing my post across the evening as others posted. Totally agree with befriending the snubbed Catholics!

[HSmomof2]

nm

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[MrsMommy]

I'm a misfit Lutheran, too! It's a hard place to be, isn't it? I hope you have a blessed Lent, even if it got off to a rocky start!

[texasmama]

My kids' Latin teacher at co op is Lutheran.  Her dh is the pastor at a small Lutheran church in the town. 

 

I truly don't understand calling someone pagan for observing Lent.  I'm sorry people are stupid.

[T'smom]

I truly don't understand calling someone pagan for observing Lent. I'm sorry people are stupid.

This. Seriously! People ARE stupid.

[IsabelC]

Sorry you are feeling this way.

 

Unfortunately, humans seem to be amazingly adept at excluding other humans, in any and every situation. 

 

You might be surprised to know that lots of people feel similarly. Probably there are people within the various cliques of home schoolers you mentioned who don't feel that they really fit in either. They look like-minded to you because they believe communion is symbolic (or whatever it is that they have in common with the in group), but at the same time they are worried about some other way in which they feel different. Seriously, if you were to grab a random bunch of people, I'm sure everyone could tell you about ways in which they have felt out of place, or have been treated differently.

 

As for the person who accused you of being pagan because you celebrated Lent (have I got that right?), that's nothing to do with your religion. It's just somebody being rude by making unjustified assumptions about something which isn't really any of their business. (You can probably cause their heads to explode with confusion by answering that you belong to the Lutheran Christian branch of the Pagans.)

[itsheresomewhere]

Welcome to my world.  I can not sign a statement against any religion and be in good standing with my morals.  So that lets out the Christian co ops near me.  The Catholic co op are out as we are not Catholic and are not welcomed.  The secular co op near me has a waiting list.  I did visit one group who was not close to us and while they were very nice and open to all, we had massive differences in education( playing Sim City is not science).  We do other activities with a few homeschoolers we know instead.  

 

 

[North Coast School]

 My original post was mostly in reaction to basically being called a pagan for observing Lent by someone at co-op today.

 

HUH!?!? Lent is pagan?  As in the tradition of preparing our hearts for Christ?  of Alms giving?  Of prayer?  Of fasting? Of reflecting on the death and ressurection of our Lord?  What about that is pagan?!?!?

 

I'm sorry, but i really would have insisted on an explanation from that person. 

 

Too much misinformation.  Too many barriers to the ancient practices and traditions of our faith.  Too little education about the history of The Church.  And by THE CHURCH, I mean all of us as brothers and sisters in Christ.  All of us.

[IsabelC]

HUH!?!? Lent is pagan?  As in the tradition of preparing our hearts for Christ?  of Alms giving?  Of prayer?  Of fasting? Of reflecting on the death and ressurection of our Lord?  What about that is pagan?!?!?

 

 

 

If you have a bit of a google, you can find a ton of information and theories about the pagan origins of Lent (some of it quite convincing and some much less so). Lent has apparently been celebrated in honor or Osiris, Odin, the sun and quite a few other deities around the world, before being amalgamated into the Judeo-Christian tradition along with Easter proper.

 

All quite interesting. But, of course, there's still no justification for the OP to be subjected to stupid comments.

[Ballroom]

We are Lutheran homeschoolers! I totally feel the same way.

[Heather in Neverland]

Oh boy can I relate. I consider myself a conservative Christian, but conservative Christians think I am way too liberal. :)  

 

My oldest ds was interested in a girl at school until her parents found out that he had Pokemon cards when he was a kid and plays videogames. She had to stop talking to him. Seriously.

 

I am Reformed and pretty orthodox (with a small o not a big O) in my beliefs but I am not against alcohol and let a swear word fly now and then. My dh watches Breaking Bad (or did) so apparently we are going to hell in a hand basket. I am a YEC but don't care if you are or not. I can go either way on infant baptism and I don't think too hard on the communion thing either. I have my beliefs but I wouldn't break fellowship with you because you disagree. In fact, my two best friends are atheist and Jewish.

 

 

But the non-Christians don't want me around either because I am too conservative, libertarian, against abortion and gay marriage and rampant gun ownership, etc. So I am not welcome at their parties and have been told as much. 

 

 

To top it all off, I work full-time and my kids take some classes at school and homeschool for others. So I get dogged out for not being a REAL homeschooler or a SAHM.

 

 

I don't fit in with any of the gluten-free crunchy people or the waldorf-y people because I use some textbooks and let my kids eat McDonalds. 

 

 

I literally fit in NOWHERE.

 

 

 

 

[alicai]

In our area there is a secular group that we don't click with and several Christian groups, ranging from fairly inclusive to the opposite. We have religious background but are not churchgoing so we tend not to fit in well. I too get along by far the best with PS moms - until they find out we homeschool and then an immediate wall goes up. It has become really lonely. I've been giving it a lot of thought lately. I consider this a real problem as it is depressing and isolating for me and the kids, but I have no solutions.

[Whereneverever]

Another misfit Lutheran homeschooler chiming in. I'm so sorry, mama. It's not fun.

[Freckles]

I feel your pain!

[IsabelC]

It might be interesting to do a poll and find out how many members feel like misfits, and why?

 

btw, I'm surprised at the Lutheran thing; I'd always thought Lutheranism was a fairly "regular" kind of Christianity, not the kind that would provoke strong opinions (in modern times, I mean).

[G5052]

  :) My original post was mostly in reaction to basically being called a pagan for observing Lent by someone at co-op today.

 

Oh dear, oh dear.  I'm sorry.

 

We don't celebrate Lent or Easter, and that's considered "blasphemous" depending on who you're talking to (yes, people have said that).

 

I cannot imagine why people say such things about such personal beliefs.  We've always considered that "hands off" in conversations.

[DawnM]

Hmmmmm........I don't totally agree politically or spiritually with many in my HS group but I don't find it a huge deal.  I just choose not to major on the minors.  If they do, I just try to brush it off.

 

I have a friend who seemed to not think I was truly saved because I didn't believe things exactly as she did.  We have finally come to an understanding and she no longer "witnesses" to me.  In fact, she has recently asked me some spiritual questions that she has been pondering.  I consider that a major breakthrough.

 

There are things I do feel strongly about and I make no apologies for standing up for them.  Racism and prejudice of any kind (particularly towards those who have come to our country from other countries outside of Europe) draw some pretty strong reactions from me.  

 

The truth is, going to PS won't really be different.  You will ALWAYS encounter people who don't understand your point of view.  Always.  I think it is a much better approach to know how to be polite but stand firm.  You just might end up finding some who agree with you or who can understand you.

 

I am very close friends with a Lutheran, a Baptist, an Assembly of God, a Presbyterian, and a Methodist.......we disagree on some issues, but overall we agree on the essentials and that is all that matters.   We worship together some, pray for each other, etc......

 

My point is that you aren't in the right group.......keep looking......it may be at the PS, but don't expect PS to be your answer.....it may just be a whole new set of disagreement.

 

Dawn

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

 

I can relate too. I'm too conservative for some, way too liberal for others.  You can't win.  I've always been a fish out of water, but moving and living in a radically different culture then where I grew up makes it even harder.

 

It's frustrating and the older I get the more I don't want to put up with it.  I know when I joined the umbrella school I was a bit dismayed by their statement of faith. I want to join a co-op next year, and I bet it's the same.  I put up with it, because that's where I'm at right now.  I keep quiet, don't get in arguments, and just smile a lot.

 

When I first moved here there was a little (basically private) co-op that a few families started, because they too, didn't fit the surrounding mold.  Sadly, most of those families have moved and the little co-op is no more.  

 

There may be more homeschooling moms like you in your area, but they may be keeping their heads down to avoid being noticed.   

[...................]

Wow. Why would someone chastise you for observing lent? Seriously? I attend a baptist church and we do not observe Lent but I still like Lent, in fact we talked about the first day of Lebt at the dinner table and why Baptists don't call it that, but how our family will be using this time to prepare for the Resurrection, even though we don't keep or go to a church that keeps a church calendar.

 

By the way I also don't necessarily believe in YE, and I also think communion is not just symbolic (and I'm baptist, lol...luckily people in my church are used to thinking deeply and enjoy hearing why some hold slightly different views!)

 

I mean, even Presbyterians believe in infant baptism! I cannot believe they are making an issue of that.

 

Well just hang in there. Sooner or later you will mean a person who is less insecure and more willing to keep whars important tiger get as Christians!!!

[...................]

PS - I wager there are several moms who wouldn't make an issue of those things but they are not the vocal types, so how would you know?

 

Our group required a basic statement of faith which would be acceptable to any brand of orthodox Christianity, and then once people joined it was just a non issue.

[...................]

I grew up Catholic and am now Baptist- I am happy where I am and could not really be happy theologically with a Catholic Church again.

 

But I am SO SICK OF the extreme, ignorance and stereotypes of Catholics and Catholicism. It makes me so mad!

 

Anyway, this group is very ignorant. They are not allowing the main thing to be the main thing! They should just add a clause about wearing jumpers, looking frumpy, making home made bread, and whatever else they don't "like" because this is about what they don't like, not about serious differences in worldview.

[Joanne]

If you have a bit of a google, you can find a ton of information and theories about the pagan origins of Lent (some of it quite convincing and some much less so). Lent has apparently been celebrated in honor or Osiris, Odin, the sun and quite a few other deities around the world, before being amalgamated into the Judeo-Christian tradition along with Easter proper.

 

All quite interesting. But, of course, there's still no justification for the OP to be subjected to stupid comments.

The liturgical calendar is based on the cycle of Christian events. It really, truly, is that simple. Honoring a liturgical calendar is one way some Christian shape their devotion and worship.

 

Searching for Pagan origins is obnoxious and disrespectful and, IMO, based in fear. It speaks to the culture the OP is a victim of; exclusionary, rigid, arrogant expressions of Christianity.

 

It's fine to not "do" the liturgical calendar. What is not fine is being critical of those who do.

[Hikin' Mama]

I'm sorry! I'm kind of an in between girl myself. However, I have some dear friends that I am friends with because of who they are, not because we agree on every doctrinal issue or even on homeschooling. One of my dearest is a devout Catholic, but I'm protestant. Besides her being incredibly wise and caring, she is the friend who makes me really think. I love that we can even discuss our doctrinal differences and try to understand where the other is coming from. Several of my other friends sent all their kids to ps, but it doesn't matter because we care about each other and enjoy spending time together. I do think many homeschoolers can be hard to be around. But I do have a couple close homeschooling friends who are great. They can accept that not everyone does things the same way and we just enjoy our similarities or common interests.

 

Hang in there! Sometimes it takes time. It did for me. But it was worth the wait. Just look for people who you enjoy being around or with whom you share a common interest or activity, such as scrapbooking or running. I hope you find someone who can appreciate your value as a person as well!

[Dmmetler]

I wouldn't necessarily rule a secular group out until you've seen the range of who is in it. The group I'm in is a secular, inclusive one, and I'd say about half of us fit what you've described-academic homeschoolers with a traditional Christian faith tradition who don't fit into the Christian groups for doctrinal reasons (like not being YEC, practicing a liturgical year, believing in infant baptism instead of believer's baptism and so on), plus a few Moslem and Jewish mothers who are there for similar reasons. There are also a handful of unschoolers, a bunch of relaxed eclectic folks who tend to be more "unschooly" when their DC are younger, but to move more academic as their DC get older, a few pagans, a few agnostics.

 

I can think of a few very vocal members of the group that, if you met them, would probably lead you to assume this isn't the group for you, but you'd probably be pretty compatible with at least a few of us.

 

 

[umsami]

I'm sorry.  I can relate as I'm not sure which is worse in our area, being Muslim or being a "bleeding-heart liberal". ;)

 

Have you thought about starting your own group? What about approaching the Catholic Mamas you spoke of?

[G5052]

Yes, I was continuing to think about this as I made breakfast.  If I look back over the last 10 years, the friends who have really been there for me are these: a never-married piano teacher in her 90's, a widow my age who was always the breadwinner in her family, a single parent with grown kids, and a homeschooling mom who has pursued a very different school path than ours but who has never considered that to be an issue at all.

 

Bottom line -- find people who love you for who you are, and go from there.  The other common thread with all of my close friends is that they've been through very, very hard times and have come out the other side better for it.

 

[vonfirmath]

Oh boy can I relate. I consider myself a conservative Christian, but conservative Christians think I am way too liberal. :)

 

My oldest ds was interested in a girl at school until her parents found out that he had Pokemon cards when he was a kid and plays videogames. She had to stop talking to him. Seriously.

 

I am Reformed and pretty orthodox (with a small o not a big O) in my beliefs but I am not against alcohol and let a swear word fly now and then. My dh watches Breaking Bad (or did) so apparently we are going to hell in a hand basket. I am a YEC but don't care if you are or not. I can go either way on infant baptism and I don't think too hard on the communion thing either. I have my beliefs but I wouldn't break fellowship with you because you disagree. In fact, my two best friends are atheist and Jewish.

 

 

But the non-Christians don't want me around either because I am too conservative, libertarian, against abortion and gay marriage and rampant gun ownership, etc. So I am not welcome at their parties and have been told as much. 

 

 

To top it all off, I work full-time and my kids take some classes at school and homeschool for others. So I get dogged out for not being a REAL homeschooler or a SAHM.

 

 

I don't fit in with any of the gluten-free crunchy people or the waldorf-y people because I use some textbooks and let my kids eat McDonalds. 

 

 

I literally fit in NOWHERE.

 

Hey! You sound like me. (Okay, minor differences. Close enough) :)

[texasmama]

 

Bottom line -- find people who love you for who you are, and go from there.  The other common thread with all of my close friends is that they've been through very, very hard times and have come out the other side better for it.

 

This is a common thread for me, too.  We tend to find each other. 

 

Also, I care about very few things enough to fight with anyone else about them. Seriously.  One of my very best friends is 100% Calvinist.  I am not.  In fact, I am mostly Armenian.  We don't discuss it anymore.  We are both people who realize that, in the end, none of that is anything to allow to get in between love and fellowship and relationships.

 

In our homeschool co op, which meets at a Baptist church, are Baptists, Methodists, Lutherans, non denominational Christians, Mormons, Church of Christ, home church practicers, and folks who attend no church.  And those are just the ones I am aware of. No one seems to care.  I like it.  :)