Dealing with addictions or mental illness in a parent?

[Juniper]

I need to ask a question about dealing with both of these issues in a parent. Please be gentle with me.

 

After 8yrs of sobriety my mother is back to drinking, my mother is also bi-polar. Towards the beginning of her sobriety, as one of her steps, she called and apologized to me for many things she had done to me as a teen....including marrying my step father (they had just divorced at the time of apology).

 

I was visiting her a couple weeks ago and everything has done a 180. The healing and mending in our relationship is gone. She is back to extreme emotional outburst, lying, saying cruel things, not respecting boundaries and is remarrying my step father.

 

I admit this has thrown me and I am seeking IRL help for dealing with this.

 

The question I have is in regards to acceptance. I am reading a lot about accepting my mother as she is. I get that and I want to (I am pretty easy going), but how do I stay emotionally safe? I tried just not engaging her when she becomes mean, but it honestly doesn't help. Her insecurity means that whenever I distance myself she ramps up the volume.

 

Right now I have had to block her on my phone and fb.

 

I know this is not extremely coherent, but I am trying to figure out what "acceptance" looks like in this type of situation. :(

[sassenach]

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry. IMO, acceptance looks like boundaries. It means you can't change her, or fix her, so you must accept the fact that she is not a safe person and you must protect yourself.

 

MIL is mentally ill, and we currently aren't in relationship with her. We haven't cut her off, but we did erect a boundary that she refuses to comply with, so she stopped talking to us. I accept that I can't change her, but that does not mean that we have to suffer under her abuse.

 

(((Hugs)))

[Chris in VA]

Are you participating in a recovery community? I highly recommend it. It will help you establish boundaries and mourn the loss of the ideal. It will also give you a place to vent, education about the addiction process, and solid steps to your own recovery--because addiction is a family disease that affects more than the addict.

 

Many hugs. It sucks, but it can get better. Acceptance to me means recognizing the disease, educating myself as to the effects, and finding help so I can love the addict while doing the most loving thing, which is not allowing the addict to abuse or mistreat me.

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[UncleEJ]

My mom has been sober for about 8 years, also. I don't know what I would do if she went back to drinking. Im so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice, just lots and lots of hugs and prayers.

[Juniper]

Thanks ladies. I live very remotely and there is not an al-anon group close so I am doing a web version (which is where my confusion on acceptance came from).

 

I did al-anon years ago so I am trying to retrace some steps.

 

I am meeting with a counselor who looks to be very knowledgeable in this area later today.

 

Right now, I can just feel myself cycling through a lot of grief and anger. She and I were in a good place. We were doing art shows across the country together, starting to teach workshops, and poof! Gone for now.

 

All my normal art coping skills feel tainted right now. I know it will take time, but ugh!!!!

 

Thanks for just reminding me that I am not alone in this. :)

[alef]

Accept that the person you knew when she was sober is your real mother, and allow yourself to love and mourn for that person. The face you are seeing now is not your mother, it is the face and voice of mental illness and addiction. There is no relationship with mental illness and addiction, they are not your mother. The best you can do is establish some workable boundaries while maintaining whatever relationship you feel comfortable with for the sake of your mother who is still there somewhere behind the mask of illness.

[Harriet Vane]

Acceptance does not mean accepting the bad behavior. It means recognizing the core person inside who is someone you love, and recognizing that the bad behavior is a symptom of a disease.

 

Acceptance does not mean making yourself available as a punching bag.

 

I have long experience with addictions in loved ones. Frankly, when a loved one is using, my relationship with that person stops. Immediately. It's just a bad idea to be emotionally available to a user/abuser--your enabling does not make them better, but their bad behavior does make you much worse. In other words, they draw you into their crazy, and you will find it very difficult to function. The only way to preserve you is by not getting sucked into their crazy world.

 

Also, the only way the addicted person will be motivated to change is if they hit bottom. The fastest way to get there is withdrawal of support and enabling.

 

Bottom line--I would cut off contact if I were you. Make it clear that you will be there if she decides to get help. Specify what that help will be--like checking into an addictions program.

 

I have had to do this more than once. I'm sorry. Really, truly sorry. :grouphug:

[mommymilkies]

I am sorry.  :(  Mine has also been sober for about 7-8 years.  It would hurt so much if she relapsed.  I will say that Roddy Doyle's books helped me immensely.  The Woman Who Walked Into Doors was actually the book that changed my mind and pushed me to contact my mother after a long estrangement.  I just want to give lots of  :grouphug:  to you.  Grief and anger are normal.  Hang in there. 

[G5052]

Are you participating in a recovery community? I highly recommend it. It will help you establish boundaries and mourn the loss of the ideal. It will also give you a place to vent, education about the addiction process, and solid steps to your own recovery--because addiction is a family disease that affects more than the addict.

 

 

I recommend this, either in person or online.

 

Mine was very functional in public, but mentally ill behind the scenes.  There was also substance abuse.  When dementia hit, it got even worse and spiraled down from there.  The wreckage left behind even 2 1/2 years after her death is tragic.

 

You need wise support.  I can't count how many times ordinary people put me down for drawing boundaries and going no-contact at times.  Without professional support, I would have gone downhill myself.

[gardenmom5]

btdt.
 
sounds like your stepfather is a charming influence.  she's probably lonely - which makes her more vulnerable to accepting bad influences if it means she won't be alone. it doesn't change that it was her choice.
 
all you can do is boundaries.   let her know you're there for her, BUT - there is a standard of behavior you require if she wants to interact with you.

 

oh yeah - as has been touched upon, people who have no experience in this area can be completely clueless (at best) and make very unhelpful comments.  just remember they don't know what they're talking about and feel free to ignore them.  even if they are close friends/family.

[Retired]

I'm sorry you been given another disappointment.   Its very hard to see someone with mental issues seem like thinks are going well.  YOu finally start to "love, like and trust" again and then its just gone.  It is like another death to you.  I've dealt with my parents and some of it has been posted on this board.

 

I had to accept they will never change.  They have days they act normal but they will never be totally normal different.  It help me cause now I never expect anything better.  I'm able to just accept them and show them love as they are.   (mine are mentally ill with no drug or alcohol abuse but are addicted to food which with my dad being a diabetic and not eating correctly  makes him a hug mean asshole )   I'm sure adding drinking to mental illness makes the situation even more heart breaking.

 

My parents act totally different with my sons.   I've found for myself to keep a healthy difference.  I still don't feel like I can walk away so I have my sons call them to "check on them" They relay messages to me.  I know them well enough that I can tell when I need to intervene.  I wish that I could call my parent up and just have a normal conversation.   It just not gonna happen and being they are in their late 60's the relationship is now just I'm a distant caregiver and dread the day that I have to bring them back in my home for care.  (I've had to 2 this twice and it wasn't pretty) 

 

My other wish is my sibling would just be be able to help but sadly they still haven't recovered from our childhood.  They both have mental health issues but finally both are seeking help (Its about time)  I'm the only one stable.  Which to be honest makes me resent them all.  I worked dang hard to be a healthy person and they stayed victims still blaming their childhood on all their problems.

 

 I've at least figure out how to care but not get sucked into their illnesses.  I only get involved when they are danger to themselves or have a physical illness.

 

Sorry for so long a post.  I'm just really feeling your hurt.

[Tammyla]

How sad for you and your mother. :grouphug:   Watching someone you love spiral down is heartbreaking and keeping yourself safe emotionally isn't easy.

 

The book BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend may help you.  Most libraries have a copy and it can be very helpful tool dealing with difficult relationships.

[Plink]

((Hugs)) It is okay to cycle between sadness and anger right now. You are grieving, not just for your mom, but also for your business. Grief is messy. It is normal for it to take a while until you feel as if you know what to next, BUT you won't be stuck in this place forever.

 

I am so sorry friend.

[magnificent_baby]

I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of advice or experience, but wanted to offer a suggestion. Has she had a physical exam lately? Perhaps there is something medically going on that has caused this rapid change. If she's on any meds, is she complying, or are there any drug interactions possibly going on? That may be an area you should address to see if something else is causing this. If i were in your shoes, I'd urge her for a check up if she hasn't had one in awhile, possibly going with her to encourage honestly during the assessment. 

 

:grouphug:

[Juniper]

Thanks again ladies.

 

Well, I thought I had her blocked. Guess I friending her and the little sign that says it will go to the other folder and blocking her number on my phone was not enough of a hint. After 3 days of silence she started in with the fb messages again. I very calmly responded, but did express that right now she is not respecting boundaries, saying hurtful things, shaming and trying to use other family members to get me inline. That we were at an impass so long as she is unwilling to really listen.

 

She came back accusing me of "raging" against her and using her as a "whipping post." As well as, lying about the past and hurling hurtful words at her.

 

I again asked her not to contact me until she was in a better place to listen. (May never respond)

 

The only reason I responded at all is first I wanted to see if she would hear me, and secondly I figured the counselor could help me sort it out this afternoon.

 

It just sucks.

 

Thanks for all the kind responses. In the past I was pretty good at handling this, but the last eight year cease fire has me a little off my game. ;)

[AmyontheFarm]

I had to educate my adult children on what to look out for when dealing with grandma and my sister.  It wasn't until they emotionally came limping back to me that they really understood why I placed a boundary and then stepped back 10 feet emotionally even farther from that boundary.  I knew then as I know now that I can't emotionally give these family members access to my heart.  My kids had seen some things, but honestly thought I might just be over reacting.  Now, that they are being attacked, they finally get it.

 

I waited a long time before telling my kids what was going on.  I kept hoping things would change.  Now, like a pack of roaming wild dogs these people are going after my adult children.  I could go all crazy on my mom and sister, but instead, I keep encouraging my kids to block them on facebook, block their emails and phone numbers because my kids need to learn how to protect themselves now, before they start raising kids of their own.  They have to make an adult decision of their own now.

 

So, don't feel bad blocking your Mom.  Start to figure out how you will educate your kids, what you will share with them that is age appropriate and frankly, allow them to get "scratched" but not torn apart so that they believe you when you tell them this person is not safe.  I'm glad you are getting some help.

[zimom]

btdt have the t-shirt with father and siblings.   I wish I had advice, unfortunately I would have to admit I still don't know how to handle any of this.   My father is now deceased and I'm just trying to do my best not to be bitter.    I at least realize that won't help me now.  

[LLMom]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  I don't have a parent like this but a son who is bipolar and chooses to be unmedicated.  It is so hard to separate the person from the disease/addiction.  I don't know If you ever feel this way, but at times I feel like my son is dead and someone else is walking around inside him.  The person I used to know is gone and it is hard to grieve when they are still are here...but aren't.  My son dishes out so much verbal abuse to me that I had to come up with boundaries for myself.  You have to decide what those are for yourself.  Have you checked out NAMI?  They have support groups and classes for families members of those who are mentally ill. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

{{{Juniper}}} Do you still have my number? Feel free to call me (though I don't mean to step on any professional toes!)

 

Acceptance should include understanding of addiction. It s a chronic, relapsing brain disease. It is not a character or moral issue - although those develop as a result of it. I'll link that page on my site as a reminder:

 

http://www.joanneketch.com/SubstanceAbuseandRecoveryPages.en.html

 

NAMI might be of help for the *additional* part of her constellation of issues. Also, books by Melodie Beattie or Claudia Black.

[Entropymama]

I second the recommendation of the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Changed my life. 

[Juniper]

The appt went really well. I like that she is very conservative in "labeling" my mother, but after having me read the texts from today she noticed that there were some very narcissistic attributes displayed by her. Basically, when I dont reflect back to her the beautiful response she wants she has a melt down and attacks and shames me. The therapist does a lot of art therapy, which we both wondered how that would work with me being and artist and being a little triggered by my chosen/shared medium with my mother atm.

Today was more about just sharing and getting to know each other, but she did really help me to see that one of the reasons I get so stressed when my son has a rage episode is that it is actually triggering me back to when my mother would rage at me. She did send me home with two books Will I Ever Be Good Enough- Healing the daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists.

I like the Boundaries books. It has been a few years since I read them, but I do have them and the co-dependant ones by Beattie here at home. I am ggoing to go read a bit and think about journaling. Maybe, just maybe I will do piece of fiber art as a journal cover and see how that goes. :)

[Chris in VA]

Sounds like you have sought good support and are taking care of yourself. That is wise.

Many hugs to you.

[treestarfae]

Thanks again ladies.

 

Well, I thought I had her blocked. Guess I friending her and the little sign that says it will go to the other folder and blocking her number on my phone was not enough of a hint. After 3 days of silence she started in with the fb messages again. I very calmly responded, but did express that right now she is not respecting boundaries, saying hurtful things, shaming and trying to use other family members to get me inline. That we were at an impass so long as she is unwilling to really listen.

 

She came back accusing me of "raging" against her and using her as a "whipping post." As well as, lying about the past and hurling hurtful words at her.

 

I again asked her not to contact me until she was in a better place to listen. (May never respond)

 

The only reason I responded at all is first I wanted to see if she would hear me, and secondly I figured the counselor could help me sort it out this afternoon.

 

It just sucks.

 

Thanks for all the kind responses. In the past I was pretty good at handling this, but the last eight year cease fire has me a little off my game. ;)

Just be up front and not a shrinking violet. You're acting a bit PTSD by not confronting her directly.

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Juniper]

Just be up front and not a shrinking violet. You're acting a bit PTSD by not confronting her directly.

No, in my calm response I was extremely direct, upfront and honest about what I was struggling with in regards to her, how certain methods of communication were coming across and what I thought we needed to proceed into healthy and healing dialouge. The counselor was pretty surprised and happy that I was able to articulate myself as well as I was. It was after my response that she flipped out again, accusing me of lying, raging against her and so forth, and I had to ask her not contact me again until she was in a better place to listen.

 

That said, PTSD is something I have dealt with in the past and do still struggle with in different circumstances. ;)

[treestarfae]

I would just say it's me not you. You're totally right I'm everything you say I am. You're the victim and you shouldn't have to put up with my terrible behavior. They hate that! Rinse and repeat.

[NorthwestMom]

 She did send me home with two books Will I Ever Be Good Enough- Healing the daughters of Narcissistic Mothers 

 

 

 

If you like this book, the author has a private group on FB where she does live chats and the comments cannot be seen by your FB friends.

[Scarlett]

I need to ask a question about dealing with both of these issues in a parent. Please be gentle with me.

 

After 8yrs of sobriety my mother is back to drinking, my mother is also bi-polar. Towards the beginning of her sobriety, as one of her steps, she called and apologized to me for many things she had done to me as a teen....including marrying my step father (they had just divorced at the time of apology).

 

I was visiting her a couple weeks ago and everything has done a 180. The healing and mending in our relationship is gone. She is back to extreme emotional outburst, lying, saying cruel things, not respecting boundaries and is remarrying my step father.

 

I admit this has thrown me and I am seeking IRL help for dealing with this.

 

The question I have is in regards to acceptance. I am reading a lot about accepting my mother as she is. I get that and I want to (I am pretty easy going), but how do I stay emotionally safe? I tried just not engaging her when she becomes mean, but it honestly doesn't help. Her insecurity means that whenever I distance myself she ramps up the volume.

 

Right now I have had to block her on my phone and fb.

 

I know this is not extremely coherent, but I am trying to figure out what "acceptance" looks like in this type of situation. :(

 

(((Hugs))))

[Alexigail]

Hugs.  I have dealt with both in the same parent and it is really really tough.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

If you're trying al-anon online, I really recommend these books:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Our-Hearts-Transforming-Losses/dp/0910034478

 

http://www.amazon.com/Reaching-Personal-Freedom-Living-Legacies/dp/0981501796

 

Both are fairly new.  The second one is a workbook.   You can also get a "long distance sponsor" and do some step work over the phone if you can't make it to a meeting.  If you're interested in something like that, you can PM me and I'll give you some numbers to call.  

 

Otherwise, remember that recovery on both sides is one day at a time, so you can practice that too.  Just for today I will try to accept my mother's illness and establish boundaries.  If I can't I'll ask the God of my understanding for help.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

 

[G5052]

Today was more about just sharing and getting to know each other, but she did really help me to see that one of the reasons I get so stressed when my son has a rage episode is that it is actually triggering me back to when my mother would rage at me. She did send me home with two books Will I Ever Be Good Enough- Healing the daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists.

 

 

Yes, good books.  I read both after my mother's death and after several years of being in a support group.  Neither was a big revelation at that point, but underscored to me just how bad things were.  I have a sibling who is still very much under the shadow unfortunately.  And of course there are issues there.

[Liz CA]

I need to ask a question about dealing with both of these issues in a parent. Please be gentle with me.

 

After 8yrs of sobriety my mother is back to drinking, my mother is also bi-polar. Towards the beginning of her sobriety, as one of her steps, she called and apologized to me for many things she had done to me as a teen....including marrying my step father (they had just divorced at the time of apology).

 

I was visiting her a couple weeks ago and everything has done a 180. The healing and mending in our relationship is gone. She is back to extreme emotional outburst, lying, saying cruel things, not respecting boundaries and is remarrying my step father.

 

I admit this has thrown me and I am seeking IRL help for dealing with this.

 

The question I have is in regards to acceptance. I am reading a lot about accepting my mother as she is. I get that and I want to (I am pretty easy going), but how do I stay emotionally safe? I tried just not engaging her when she becomes mean, but it honestly doesn't help. Her insecurity means that whenever I distance myself she ramps up the volume.

 

Right now I have had to block her on my phone and fb.

 

I know this is not extremely coherent, but I am trying to figure out what "acceptance" looks like in this type of situation. :(

 

What you are doing is correct IMHO. Blocking her calls / attempts at contacting you when she is unreasonable. It may be a balancing act to figure out which day / week she is in good enough shape to have a cup of coffee together. Your well-being and your family's well-being are your priority. She is responsible for her behavior. If you are with her and she acts out in any way, leave. This may be the hardest part: try not to get emotional or angry at her but as calmly as possible but firmly state: "I am sorry you feel you have to.....I don't want to expose myself to this. I am leaving now. I will be happy to meet with you again when you feel better."

 

Internalize the truth that you are neither the cause for her behavior nor can you change her.

 

 

[Juniper]

Thanks, I cannot express how much your gracious support has helped me. :)

[Elisabet1]

We have nothing to do with my inlaws. Substance abuse and mental illness is present there too. My husband was adopted and spent his entire life being told the nastiest things..such as "you are lucky I adopted you, no one else wanted you, your own mother didn't want you, you would have ended up in the dumpster without me."

 

There is a big long story to how things have turned around with us. But the end of it is that we have completely cut off contact. And mental health wise, this has been the best thing. We cut them out before, but my husband always had part of him still thinking of them. Now, we really have moved on. 

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. But you need to not focus on trying to make her better, and focus on how you handle yourself and your children. If you tolerate her and let her treat you or your children this way, then your children will learn that this is ok. They will get in to relationships where they get treated that way and make excuses to stay in it (love them, they are family, its not their fault, etc). Or they will behave how your mom does and then excuse it away with that it is not their fault, and they don't have to be accountable. 

 

Keeping your distance and such is not about you changing her. You might want to at least read a book on dealing with others with addiction. It helps to realize things like ..you did not cause her to do this, therefore, you cannot "fix" her. But you are obligated to self preservation, and to teach your children it too.

[Mimm]

I'm dealing with a similar situation. My mother has borderline personality disorder and it's really difficult. Right now we're on a break from each other. I told her I need some distance and so far she is respecting that. But I don't know if I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship with her. I won't hijack your thread and go into all the gritty details but just take care of yourself. You don't owe a relationship to an abusive parent. Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do for them and for you is to step out of their lives.

[Juniper]

I cannot say enough good about the Dr. Karyl McBride book. Painful read right now, but has hit on some things that I always knew were wrong and yet when I would express my thoughts or feelings on them I would be shamed or attacked. I was also confused by how my mother could be such a supportive Mom until I turned 12 and then suddenly change so much. I see that there was very unhealthy dynamics before 12, but she didn't become mean until around age.

[Slache]

I don't really know what you're going through so I can't compare, but we abandoned my emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic mother for the sake of our children. EVERY time we saw her it caused my son pain and we didn't know what to do.

 

I know that's not fair to her, but I feared the long term damage of what would happen if we kept her in our life. We talked about it with her and she said it was good to be hard on kids to prepare them for life, so I view the outcome as her fault. (By hard on kids I mean referring to him as stupid, annoying, "not cute", a disappointment, and constantly reminding him what a bad mother I am.)

 

Just know you're not alone. I'm sorry.

 

[treestarfae]

I cannot say enough good about the Dr. Karyl McBride book. Painful read right now, but has hit on some things that I always knew were wrong and yet when I would express my thoughts or feelings on them I would be shamed or attacked. I was also confused by how my mother could be such a supportive Mom until I turned 12 and then suddenly change so much. I see that there was very unhealthy dynamics before 12, but she didn't become mean until around age.

How old was she at that time? Was she going through hormonal changes? That can matter a lot to brain chemistry. She already suffers from a genetic dopamine addiction. People with these problems are sensitive and there's most likely reasons behind it. It's hard for healthy people to understand. Hopefully it won't pass to your kids and try to enjoy all the things your mother couldn't.

[Juniper]

How old was she at that time? Was she going through hormonal changes? That can matter a lot to brain chemistry. She already suffers from a genetic dopamine addiction. People with these problems are sensitive and there's most likely reasons behind it. It's hard for healthy people to understand. Hopefully it won't pass to your kids and try to enjoy all the things your mother couldn't.

Yes and no. She was only 32, she had me at 19. She did have two more children at 33 and 34. That was when the diagnoses started. First PPD, then Bi-polar. Alcholism did not become official until I had left home and my younger siblings had just hit the 12-14 range. I never really thought about that. The hormones, combined with us turning into teens seems to be toxic. Now she is in her 50's so hormones are again an issue.