a82allison Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 My 14 year old just told me that she is bisexual. All I said was "Okay. I'm always here for you, no matter what. I love you. Sometimes that's part of being a teenager." Now, why the hell did I add the part about "sometimes that's part of being a teenager"?? I think that this is most likely just a "phase" with her, but I certainly don't know that.. and don't want her to think I'm invalidating what she's telling me. I feel like I maybe shouldn't have said that. But I was caught so off guard. Is there something else I should say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 my niece came to her (*very* liberal) mother at 11, and told her she was lesbian because she didn't like boys. my reponse was 'she's 11, boys are supposed to be icky.' (iow: she's too young to have the experience to decide.) she's getting married in june to a guy she's been living with for the last four years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think I would say something like "What makes you think that?" and see if she can/will explore her feelings with you a little bit. I can imagine being surprised and caught off guard by such a statement too, but I imagine that her bringing it up meant she wanted to talk about it. How did she respond to that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 You did just fine, really. Deep breathes, it is going to be ok. And you did fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmith Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 You did fine, and let her know the most important thing - that you love her and will be there for her no matter what. That's what she needed to hear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivey Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you handled it well. I'd want to have a deeper conversation about how she came to this conclusion, how she feels about it, how she feels about telling people, etc., but that doesn't have to happen today. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 :grouphug: You did great. I might flamed for this, but I think it is important to suggest that this might be a phase. With how you phrased it, you didn't invalidate her. I think it is important for a child whose sexuality is still developing not to label oneself early on, and not to think of this early choice as a forever choice. It might be, or it might not be, and it is fine either way, as long as they know that it is okay for this to be just a phase as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you did just fine and the thing about it being part of being a teenager was actually not bad.. Sometimes it is a good thing to reassure them that they aren't the only kid in the world figuring out their sexuality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a82allison Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 Thank you guys for telling me that I did okay. I appreciate that! I will talk with her more in depth soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cammie Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Our deal with DD is that her phone and chats are an open book to us. She knows I can check the chat history and that I probably do. I don't make a big deal about anything I see there but periodically I just check in. This week I discovered that her best friend (14 years old) is a lesbian...or at least identifies with being a lesbian. I am the most liberal person I know...but it threw me for a loop. I was so happy to see that this girl felt safe enough with my DD to share that. I was also happy to see that they were able to share their feelings with each other. DD sharing about the boy she has a crush on. The friend sharing about the girl she has a crush on. I guess in the end I am proud of my daughter. But these things can be surprising! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you did great. It must have been a huge surprise, out of the blue and, yes, I do think there is so much sexuality in the media that I think it is part of being a teenager to take longer to think through se#ual orientation. There is so much girl on girl stuff in the general media, that it must be very confusing to have certain thoughts at a young age. I wonder if subconsciously that was your thought that you voiced. I know if my 14yo dd (and I do have one, lol) said the same thing to me, I would consider all of the stuff that kids look at nowdays that would have been considered soft porn when I was small and wonder if that was part of her feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you did great, too, fwiw. :thumbup1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I agree. Good job, mama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livetoread Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Sometimes I wonder if we put more pressure than is necessary on ourselves to be the perfect parent on these issues. It's a big deal for our generation, given how much has changed. But maybe she was just off-handedly saying it and really wasn't looking for the perfect validation. If she already knows you've got her back no matter what, she isn't going to be anxiously attuned to your response. I'd be obsessively going over and over my words, I know, but maybe our kids are lucky enough to not carry the fears around their relationships and sexuality that we carry, as long as they grew up knowing we were accepting of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 You listened to her, then gave a message of love, support, and acceptance. IMO, parenting doesn't get any better than that. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 You rocked it, momma! :) Sending hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you did a great job. Give yourself a pat on the back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you did just fine. You made it clear that you love and support your DD and that is the best and most important thing you could say and do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkInTheBlue Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Another vote for "you did just fine!" :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you did fine it sounds like the short version of my DD and I's discussion very recently(she thinks she's a lesbian).... only she's not quite eleven so I'm pretty sure there is a chance that she's not. I explained that I really don't care either way and will be happy to welcome her future partner into our family whether they be boy or girl. BUT, a lot of girls feel this way when they start going through puberty. We gravitate to other girls for the emotional support/understanding a pre-teen/teen boy will never be able to give. So I don't feel that my DD should "label" herself quite yet.... maybe when she's 14? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you did fine - as you say, you were caught off guard. If I were you, I would explain that to her. Say something like, 'I was a bit surprised when you told me about your being bi. I didn't mean to imply that this was just a passing phase. I absolutely support you as you discover your sexuality, wherever that leads.' Or something. L Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you did fine too. I do know why you wish you hadn't made the last comment but maybe next time you have the opportunity you could tell her that the teen years are when you start to examine - your politics, beliefs, future careers and sexuality Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I didn't see this expressed anywhere, so I'll throw this out there. I don't think it's uncommon at these ages to have strong feelings for, or possibly idolize someone of the same gender. But I wouldn't necessarily define that as a same sex attraction in a sexual sense. I think our hypersexualized society may encourage children to believe that those types of feelings are an orientation when they may not be. Just adding another possibility. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think expressing unconditional love and support is enough. I've noticed my kids don't seem to remember my verbal stumbles the same way I do so don't worry about that. And it's true-not every 11 yo has this figured out. I wish we lived in a world that didn't expose 11 year olds to so much sexual stuff, but there you go. She will definitely grow up and understand herself better soon. ((hugs)) to you in the meantime. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I usually stay off these threads... but I just want to add that we see this ALL the time in high school (and middle school). Kids are going through puberty and have tons of media pressure and peer pressure all around. They feel they MUST know (pick a side) and try to figure things out way too early (in many cases). They also can use totally wrong reasoning (eg, a boy liking to cook might assume he's gay or a gal liking hunting might assume she's lesbian). As they grow, they can get shocked as their feelings change and it can be difficult for them to backtrack if needed (or come out if that's the case). It's entirely a GOOD thing to have talks with younger teens and explain how the body changes with hormones and that they might experience a ton of different feelings along the way. Eventually, their body (using right reasons) will let them know. Through it ALL, be supportive (kids really do need that - many turn to teachers if they have to), but don't be among those who insist a first revelation is a "set in stone" deal. That could really confuse them later and make it harder for them to be who they really find out they are. I think you did a great job OP - esp being taken off guard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cave canem Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Cammie, I sent you a pm. Lee in New England Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you did perfectly. Gave her support, and a little bit to roll her eyes at at the end. :) It's the start of a very long path for you both, hopefully a happy and fulfilling one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 The fact that your relationship is such that your 14 year old was even willing to share this with you shows that you've been a good Mom. I would venture that there's a good portion of 14 year olds who would never bring this up with a parent. Your response was fine. You did a good job. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Nice job. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 You did fine. She is at the age where kids start figuring such things out. It might be a transitional phase, or not. Either way, support and not judgment is just what she needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fourcatmom Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I didn't see this expressed anywhere, so I'll throw this out there. I don't think it's uncommon at these ages to have strong feelings for, or possibly idolize someone of the same gender. But I wouldn't necessarily define that as a same sex attraction in a sexual sense. I think our hypersexualized society may encourage children to believe that those types of feelings are an orientation when they may not be. Just adding another possibility. I totally agree with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 You did great! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelotmom Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I'm seeing a lot of "It probably is just a phase" on here, but there are also a lot of people who spend an awful long time waiting to grow out of that phase before realizing that it isn't one! I think OP handled it just fine, though. There's always more time for further discussion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 It could be a phase, but you have to be prepared that it may not be also. My daughter went through a phase, but I am not sure it is over. I think she is just in denial. She is hoping it is a phase. We will see how it comes out in the wash. No matter what I support her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nine Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I think you handled it beautifully. She's comfortable speaking about this type of thing with you and knows that you love and support her. One misworded sentence isn't going to change that. :grouphug: I'm seeing a lot of "It probably is just a phase" on here, but there are also a lot of people who spend an awful long time waiting to grow out of that phase before realizing that it isn't one! I was thinking the same thing, and I'm a little surprised that so many people see it this way. When my son told us he was bisexual, I don't think the idea that it could be a phase even entered my mind, and my friends and family thought it was his way of "testing the waters" before telling us he was gay. Maybe it's a gender thing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I'm seeing a lot of "It probably is just a phase" on here, but there are also a lot of people who spend an awful long time waiting to grow out of that phase before realizing that it isn't one! I know, right! :laugh: To the OP, you might just start to see some of the subtle social privilege our society assumes is right and ought to be normal. For example, you never hear a parent worry that being heterosexual is just a phase, or try to comfort someone with suggesting their child's heterosexual comments are just a phase. It's only worrisome in one direction. Also, you might notice movies with romances are always boy/girl, and girls often vie for the attention of a boy. Your daughter may pick up on this more than you because people of her generation are more willing to point it out, and with social media, these comments get wide audiences. In any case, being partners with your kid can be fun, regardless of who she finds intriguing and attractive. I think OP handled it just fine, though. There's always more time for further discussion. Agreed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrub Jay Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 You did great! I am also surprised by all the "it may be a phase" type of talk. I also wonder if some people will assume it is a phase if she ends up with a man as her life long partner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Sexuality is flexible. For many people, it isn't black or white, one or the other. Her identity is still forming. Fwiw, I have known several women who left their husbands because they were lesbians. Most-possibly all- are now in relationships with men. These are grown up women in their twenties and thirties. I don't know what to make of it, because they clearly all firmly believed they could not be happy with a man. I suppose they didn't yet know where their paths would take them. This is not easy stuff to sort out, especially at a very young age. I'm not implying that she isn't bisexual. But I would encourage her to continue exploring this topic for quite some time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scrub Jay Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I also don't understand the stories about so-n-so identifying as a lesbian and then being with a man. Being bisexual isn't the same as being a lesbian and, in fact, doesn't limit a person's dating pool because they identify as a bisexual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 At 14, especially since she chose "bisexual" (vs. lesbian etc.), this could indeed be her exploring vs. identifying in a final way. Personally I believe most humans fall somewhere on a continuum between straight and bisexual. If my daughter said that to me, I think I would try to find an open-ended, non-judgmental question to explore what she really means and where she really is in her thinking. I might say it is good to explore this in your mind and give yourself time and don't be in a hurry to identify with one group or another, especially at a time of life when everything is changing so much. There is no reason to "choose a side" in the teen years, and none of it impacts one's value as a human being. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I don't know that I'd use "phase," but 14 is young to be sure of one's lifelong identity. I'm pretty sure that when I was 14, if forced to "identify," I would have said asexual. That did not turn out to be the case. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I also don't understand the stories about so-n-so identifying as a lesbian and then being with a man. Being bisexual isn't the same as being a lesbian and, in fact, doesn't limit a person's dating pool because they identify as a bisexual. Perhaps it's a bad example in this case, but my point was that how we view our sexuality changes over time. The women in my story didn't identify as bisexual (which is what I would assume, since they have had relationships with both men and women). They identified categorically as straight, then as lesbians. No middle ground. Perhaps the middle ground is worth considering. More importantly, not everyone has this stuff worked out by adulthood. It's complex. I have been attracted to a woman or two in my younger years. I don't identify as bisexual. I identify as straight and having been attracted to a woman. If I had pursued a relationship with the woman, perhaps I would now consider myself something else. This is not a true-false, or even a multiple choice question. It's an essay question with no limit on length. My concern with the OP and her DD is that they not rush to assign her a spot on any team. DD did not say " I am gay. The end." She said she *might* be bisexual. I think pretty much anyone *might* be bisexual at 14. I didn't take the "it might be a phase" posters to mean that she should not be taken seriously, or that they were hoping she wasn't or anything like that. Just as preschoolers play with different gender roles, young adults explore various facets of their sexuality. A 4 year old boy dressing up in tutus is fairly equivalent to a 14 year old girl expressing that she might be bisexual. It's appropriate for the developmental stage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I didn't take the "it might be a phase" posters to mean that she should not be taken seriously, or that they were hoping she wasn't or anything like that. Just as preschoolers play with different gender roles, young adults explore various facets of their sexuality. A 4 year old boy dressing up in tutus is fairly equivalent to a 14 year old girl expressing that she might be bisexual. It's appropriate for the developmental stage. My thoughts exactly! For the vast majority (not necessarily all) on the bell curve of life, 14 is awfully young to be certain of this - not to have thoughts about it, but to know "for sure." I've seen kids come into high school feeling certain they "know" after being pressured to choose a side in middle school (kids REALLY do put pressure on more than they did in my school days!). Yet, a couple of years later, they feel differently and aren't sure how to change their image. It can become a major - depressing - issue to them and some will try to pretend rather than try to change. It can go either direction. IMO, it's better to encourage not setting an image - contemplate, sure - the feelings aren't just going to disappear after all, but realize the body is still growing and figuring out a bit about many things, true (physical) love being just one of them. It's really good when kids are willing to talk with parents. Often they are not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 My sister used to say that when she was in 7th grade, 90% of her classmates claimed to be sexually active, and then in 9th grade, 90% claimed to be virgins. And when my younger sister was at that stage of life, it had become very popular to say one was gay. Like half of all the kids in her class were gay at some point. And then later they weren't. I think it is great that they are open to whatever way God may have made them. I don't think it's great that they may feel pressured to "choose a door." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 I don't think "phase" is necessarily off, because she is young, but also based on personal experience. I came out as a lesbian at 16 (but started thinking about and trying to figure out such things by 14). As I got a little older, I realized that box didn't fit and started identifying myself as bisexual--which I still do. Much later still, I realized sexual orientation wasn't the box that I had the biggest issue with, but that's another thread. The phase she is certainly in is the "figuring herself out" phase. All teenagers go through such a phase. She may have that aspect of herself figured out now, or she may still be exploring. It makes no difference, really, in how to approach it as a parent--with support and acceptance and letting your kid know that whoever she is and whoever she loves, you're going to love her just the same. As far as other parenting things, it is something to keep in mind when establishing boundaries for acceptable behavior with peers and reasons for them. For example, if you have a "no closed doors when friend-boys are in your room" rule, based on not wanting to get up to things, you may want to institute a "no closed doors when friends are in your room" rule. I'd be careful about doing so in a way that makes her feel her privacy and freedom is being encroached upon, though, so you might want to think about what conversations to have. Of course, it also doesn't mean she's going to be any more likely to get up to anything, especially with anyone not identified as a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" in a romantic-partner sort of way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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