How do you handle relatives who talk over kids?

[poppy]

We have an aunt who stops by once every month or two for an hour, just to chat.

She loves my kids and has been good to them - babysitting, always remembering their birthdays, even taking them for the occasional outing.

But she talks OVER kids in a way that some people do but I couldn't bring myself to.

 

For example:

She & I are talking about relatives

3 year old walks over to me "Look at this dinosaur! He has sp----"
Auntie continues the conversation as thought the kid isn't speaking.

5 year old runs in "I have something to show you guys! I painted-----"

Auntie keeps talking to me like the kids aren't there.

 

If it was a peer I'd probably say "Excuse me a sec Auntie.  That's a great painting, thanks hon! I'm going to keep talking to Auntie now!", but I want to be respectful to this older person. So we just kind of suffer through it. The kids are a bit baffled by it though, and act 'off' for a good hour after she leaves.

 

 

WWYD?

[Dandelion]

My response depends on who is interrupting whom.

 

If the kids are interrupting Auntie or me mid-sentence to show us something, I would gently ask them to let whoever was speaking finish speaking first and then they have a chance to share.

 

If the kids are not interrupting, but then Auntie just starts talking over them, I would say "Excuse me just a moment, Auntie..." and turn my attention to the child.

[dragons in the flower bed]

It sounds like she believes children should only speak when spoken to, right?

 

Or are your kids starting to talk in the middle of her sentence? If they are, that's interrupting, and I would put a finger up to tell my kid I heard them but they need to wait til my sentence is over for a response.

 

Do you think she'd stop and acknowledge the kids if the kids did something a bit differently? Some folks teach small children to place a hand on the arm of the person who they are trying to have the attention of. If a kiddo walked over and put their hand on Auntie's arm, might that cue her to give them center?

 

You might even say to Auntie that you've been trying to teach the kids to take turns in conversation and you're trying this arm-touching cue.

[Excelsior! Academy]

My response depends on who is interrupting whom.

 

If the kids are interrupting Auntie or me mid-sentence to show us something, I gently ask them to let whoever was speaking finish speaking first and then they have a chance to share.

 

If the kids are not interrupting, but then Auntie just starts talking over them, I would say "Excuse me just a moment, Auntie..." and turn my attention to the child.

 

This.

 

 

 

It sounded like the children were the ones interrupting.  I have my children place a hand on my arm to let me know they are quietly waiting, but want to say something.  Whomever I am chatting with and I will get to a stopping point in the conversation, usually just a sentence or two, and then I will acknowledge the child.  It lets the adult and the child know it is time for the child to speak.

[wintermom]

I agree that it depends on who is doing the interrupting. With your example, it looks like the children are interrupting and your aunt is ignoring this behaviour. I'd be thrilled with that, as it is quite appropriate. Letting children interrupt by acknowledging it just reinforces the poor behaviour.

[JustEm]

If you 2 are having a conversation and your children come and just start talking then they are interrupting. If I were your aunt I would continue to talk, especially if you are not going to correct your children's behavior.  I find it incredibly annoying when someone allows their children to interrupt like that.

[Bootsie]

From what you describe, it isn't clear if the kids are interrupting Auntie.  Even if she isn't in the middle of a sentence, I can see how she might feel that the conversation is being interrupted.  Another thing to consider is that I have an older relative that just starts talking when my children are talking; we finally realized that she has a hearing problem and doesn't know that she is doing this.

[Ellie]

We have an aunt who stops by once every month or two for an hour, just to chat.

She loves my kids and has been good to them - babysitting, always remembering their birthdays, even taking them for the occasional outing.

But she talks OVER kids in a way that some people do but I couldn't bring myself to.

 

For example:

She & I are talking about relatives

3 year old walks over to me "Look at this dinosaur! He has sp----"

Auntie continues the conversation as thought the kid isn't speaking.

5 year old runs in "I have something to show you guys! I painted-----"

Auntie keeps talking to me like the kids aren't there.

 

If it was a peer I'd probably say "Excuse me a sec Auntie.  That's a great painting, thanks hon! I'm going to keep talking to Auntie now!", but I want to be respectful to this older person. So we just kind of suffer through it. The kids are a bit baffled by it though, and act 'off' for a good hour after she leaves.

 

 

WWYD?

 

In the examples you give, your aunt isn't talking over your children. Your children are interrupting. Yes, your children are young and they may not understand yet, but it is your responsibility to teach them not to interrupt; I guarantee that they will not learn good social skills if you do not teach them, and the older your dc are, the less sympathetic others will be to their interruptions.

 

If I were your aunt, I would probably stop talking, but I would look surprised at being interrupted.

[trinchick]

I've felt the same way as you, OP, but then I realized that not everyone is as enthralled with my children as I am and hang on their every word - even the people who love them. 

 

Sometimes, though, allowing a child to briefly break into a conversation (not interrupting mid-sentence but when someone has finished speaking) will sort of "buy" the adults time by letting the kid just check-in and then return to his/her activity. This is something that people with young kids can probably tolerate more because they're living it too. But I think to people who don't currently have young children, it can be pretty annoying when a conversation is disturbed by requests to check out dinosaurs.

[mathmarm]

Based on your example, the kids are rudely interrupting as small kids are wont to do. I think I'd have a couple of talks with the kids about interrupting and being polite in a conversation when Aunty isn't around and come up with some gentle reminder to use when she is.

 

I like the suggestion of letting Aunty know that you are working on this so that she can be in on it and she will know that the kids are working on it and not just "going" feral. This is sort of the age/stage where kids go from being cute little toddlers who are spirited to bratty or obnoxious little kids. She should greatly appreciate that you are working on the kids manners and hopefully she will be more understanding and forgiving of less than perfect behaviour.
 

[DragonFaerie]

I agree that it depends on who is doing the interrupting. With your example, it looks like the children are interrupting and your aunt is ignoring this behaviour. I'd be thrilled with that, as it is quite appropriate. Letting children interrupt by acknowledging it just reinforces the poor behaviour.

 

I agree with this.  If the children are interrupting, I think your aunt is just ignoring the unwanted behavior, which I think a lot of adults do.  If that is the case, I would say something like, "Excuse me, Auntie.  Children, you are interrupting your aunt.  Please wait until she is finished speaking and then say, 'Excuse me'."

[SKL]

I would hold up a finger at my child (which means hush and wait).  And if that didn't work I'd say "I'm speaking to an adult" and go on with the adult conversation until I felt it was the child's "turn."
 

In my world, adults talk over children.  Children are instructed to wait their turn to talk, especially if I'm talking to an adult..

 

Aside from the basic etiquette aspect, my kids have me a lot of the time each day.  In the OP, Auntie only visits 2 hours per month.  I give priority to guests who are on an occasional visit.

[poppy]

Just to clarify, I do not allow my kids to interrupt mid-sentence. They are old enough to know better. Well, the  3 year old needed to be reminded once or twice, but he did manage. I could see the two of them waiting for a lull in the conversation to bring up what they wanted to say.

 

Does that make a difference?

[SKL]

If the child was not in fact interrupting mid-sentence, I'd still give preference to the occasional guest.  I would instruct my kids (if old enough to understand) that they need to go play / read / work because Auntie and I are going to chat.  I would allow an occasional interruption (not mid-sentence) for a 3yo to show me a picture, but I would not encourage it and I'd send him back to play.

 

One thing about older people.  They may have a little more trouble holding their train of thought if interrupted a lot.  (Well, so would anyone after a point.)  It is kind as well as polite to give the lady your time for an hour or two.  This may be easier if you prepare your kids in advance.

[mom2bee]

We have an aunt who stops by once every month or two for an hour, just to chat.

She loves my kids and has been good to them - babysitting, always remembering their birthdays, even taking them for the occasional outing.

But she talks OVER kids in a way that some people do but I couldn't bring myself to.

 

For example:

She & I are talking about relatives

3 year old walks over to me "Look at this dinosaur! He has sp----"

Auntie continues the conversation as thought the kid isn't speaking.

5 year old runs in "I have something to show you guys! I painted-----"

Auntie keeps talking to me like the kids aren't there.

 

If it was a peer I'd probably say "Excuse me a sec Auntie.  That's a great painting, thanks hon! I'm going to keep talking to Auntie now!", but I want to be respectful to this older person. So we just kind of suffer through it. The kids are a bit baffled by it though, and act 'off' for a good hour after she leaves.

 

 

WWYD?

I would correct my kids. The way I see it, your kids are in the wrong. They are young so this is the time to teach them. If I were Aunty, I wouldn't stop for those types of interruptions either, I would ignore them. Don't reward bad or undesirable behavior. I don't know if it is her place to correct the kids, so ignoring the undesired behavior and leaving the corrections to you seems like the only real option to your aunty.

 

If I were you, I would talk with my kids when aunty isn't around about what it means to be respectful and showing respect to an adult who loves and cares about you. (Not all adults automatically classify as deserving a childs respect, but I think that based on your description, Aunty has earned the right to expect some basic respect from you and your kids.) Help them understand that Aunty loves them, likes them and enjoys them, but our manners and how we treat others effects their feelings as well.

 

If they seem "off" then how do they think that aunty feels? She takes the time to do A, B, C for and with them, but they wont even let her speak to you un-interrupted. Aunty sounds like a lovely woman and your kids sound like they are curious and eager but a little lacking in the manners dept. In other words, like normal little kids, who need correction and guidance from their family and friends to help them grow emotionally and socially.

 

good luck to you.

 

[poppy]

I would correct my kids. The way I see it, your kids are in the wrong. They are young so this is the time to teach them. If I were Aunty, I wouldn't stop for those types of interruptions either, I would ignore them. Don't reward bad or undesirable behavior. I don't know if it is her place to correct the kids, so ignoring the undesired behavior and leaving the corrections to you seems like the only real option to your aunty.

 

If I were you, I would talk with my kids when aunty isn't around about what it means to be respectful and showing respect to an adult who loves and cares about you. (Not all adults automatically classify as deserving a childs respect, but I think that based on your description, Aunty has earned the right to expect some basic respect from you and your kids.) Help them understand that Aunty loves them, likes them and enjoys them, but our manners and how we treat others effects their feelings as well.

 

If they seem "off" then how do they think that aunty feels? She takes the time to do A, B, C for and with them, but they wont even let her speak to you un-interrupted. Aunty sounds like a lovely woman and your kids sound like they are curious and eager but a little lacking in the manners dept. In other words, like normal little kids, who need correction and guidance from their family and friends to help them grow emotionally and socially.

 

good luck to you.

 

Interesting.  I'm taking this in.

 

I think they wanted to be part of the visit. We were sitting in the living room, the kids quietly playing between us with toys on the floor. I've taught them that they have to wait until no one is speaking before they can pipe up.  But it didn't work here. I felt bad that they weren't allowed to even complete a sentence when following my "rules".

 

[SKL]

I would prepare the kids for next time by telling them that for whatever reason (hearing issue, old-time customs, whatever), Auntie likes to have adult-only conversations at times, and the kids will not be accommodated during those times unless someone is basically dying.

 

My parents used to send us to our room (after the greetings) when adults came over to have a grown-up conversation.  We'd be allowed out after the chat was over, assuming it wasn't past bedtime.

 

My kids are usually shy around adult guests, so I haven't had this issue as far as I can remember.  They tend to wait until the adults invite them into the conversation, or if they really need something, they will be quiet and apologetic about it.  At 3 most people assumed my kids were mute, because I couldn't get them to talk in front of outsiders.  ;)

[happi duck]

If I am speaking to a parent whose child comes over and starts speaking I keep talking and look for my cue from the parent.

 

If the parent says 'excuse me' and talks to the kid I'm fine with that. If the parent doesn't say anything that's my cue that the parent is ignoring it for now.

 

I have stopped for a child and had the parent tell me to go on because she wants the child to wait.

 

Your guest needs cues from you.

[Tangerine]

Interesting.  I'm taking this in.

 

I think they wanted to be part of the visit. We were sitting in the living room, the kids quietly playing between us with toys on the floor. I've taught them that they have to wait until no one is speaking before they can pipe up.  But it didn't work here. I felt bad that they weren't allowed to even complete a sentence when following my "rules".

 

Yes.  I think some of the suggestions are absurdly stiff and formal.  Unless that's the relationship you and your children have with family, then I suppose they are accurate.  That's not how it works in my house.  We certainly remind not to interrupt someone in the middle of a sentence, but I don't expect to have uninterrupted visits with people while my children are there.  They live in the house, and are allowed to talk to visitors. And I certainly wouldn't put on my "well I never" shocked face to convey to the parent that I just think their kids are rude and thoughtless even if they did interrupt me.  And I wouldn't have any desire to visit with someone who would.

[SKL]

I have stopped for a child and had the parent tell me to go on because she wants the child to wait.

 

 

Yes, this is what I do if my kids are trying to bust into a conversation.  If the other person stops I'll use that moment to tell my kid to wait while we finish our conversation.

 

[Mergath]

I'm afraid I have to agree with everyone else.  If I have a guest over and we're talking, dd knows to let us chat.  If she needs something, of course that's different, but if she wants to show me a toy or something like that, I tell her to wait until after the guest and I are done visiting.  She's welcome to sit and politely listen, but it's really hard to carry on a coherent conversation when kids keep breaking in to show their toy/drawing/favorite cartoon/what-have-you, even if they're doing it politely.

[hillfarm]

If I was having an adult conversation and my young dd came in from the other room and interrupted, she knew there had better be blood, smoke or open flames! I love my dd dearly but I did not welcome her interruption into an adult conversation, regardless of whether she actually interrupted someone in mid-sentence or not. I would not want to hear about a dinosaur with a bent tail when Auntie was talking to me about something important.

 

If it was a 3-way conversation between Auntie, dd and me, then I was certainly willing to afford dd equal time and to expect both Auntie and myself to listen attentively to her comments. If dd wanted to talk about her dinosaur, fine, but to be honest, I would not prolong the conversation. As an only child at home, dd got the lion's share of my attention. IMO it was not out of line to expect her to hold her general musings on the rare occasion that I had adult company.

 

Certainly, very young children aren't born knowing how to do this. But it is definitely possible to teach them. My dd knew there was a time and a place for everything. General chatter with mommy happened frequently every.single.day. - sometimes to the point that my ears actually ached. But she also knew there was a time for her to entertain herself and not expect to be an equal participant in the conversation, let alone to hold court.

[SKL]

Yes.  I think some of the suggestions are absurdly stiff and formal.  Unless that's the relationship you and your children have with family, then I suppose they are accurate.  That's not how it works in my house.  We certainly remind not to interrupt someone in the middle of a sentence, but I don't expect to have uninterrupted visits with people while my children are there.  They live in the house, and are allowed to talk to visitors. And I certainly wouldn't put on my "well I never" shocked face to convey to the parent that I just think their kids are rude and thoughtless even if they did interrupt me.  And I wouldn't have any desire to visit with someone who would.

 

But isn't it hard to carry on a proper adult conversation if it keeps getting hijacked with kiddy themes?  I mean, after a point, many people will just give up and give in to the frivolous chatter, and why bother coming around at all if you can never hold a conversation?

 

I think if you're used to being interrupted by and multitasking with little kids all the time, you can adjust to it more easily, and maybe you don't notice how distracting it is to someone who is not used to it.

[skimomma]

 

Your guest needs cues from you.

 

This is my guess as well.  I have seen it go three ways.  I socialize with some people that allow/encourage children to speak at any time and the adults are expected to halt conversation until the child has had their moment.  I socialize with others that have taught their children to not interrupt during a conversation thread (meaning, not just waiting for a pause but a change of topic).  And still others that are in-between.  No mid-sentance interruptions allowed but between sentences is fair game.  

 

I gather from your posts that you are in the third camp.  I, myself, am in the second camp and have taught dd to participate as though she were another adult in the conversation and not interrupt or bring in a new topic until it would be naturally appropriate in the conversation....unless there is something that needs to be said immediately, like blood, fire, or vomit.  When she was still learning, I had signals that indicated "wait" until the appropriate time to change the topic.

 

When I am having a conversation with another adult whose child is interrupting in a fashion I am not used to, I look to the parent for clues.  If they continue talking, I do as well.  I find myself avoiding relationships with people who allow their children to interrupt frequently as I have trouble maintaining any sort of thought when interrupted often.  I will not say it is "wrong" but it is annoying and I prefer to avoid it.

 

It sounds like a simple conversation with Auntie is in order.  And maybe some tips to the kids on how to navigate those visits specifically.

[Tangerine]

But isn't it hard to carry on a proper adult conversation if it keeps getting hijacked with kiddy themes?  I mean, after a point, many people will just give up and give in to the frivolous chatter, and why bother coming around at all if you can never hold a conversation?

 

I think if you're used to being interrupted by and multitasking with little kids all the time, you can adjust to it more easily, and maybe you don't notice how distracting it is to someone who is not used to it.

 

I just don't expect to have that kind of visit at my home with 3 kids without DH there to deal with whatever comes up.  I can certainly can send the 9 and 7 year old off, after being allowed to chat for a minute, and ask them to give me some time.  But I didn't expect that when they were 2 or 3.  And I don't expect to have that uninterrupted time now with a nearly 2 year old.  I schedule adult time away from the kids.  When they are there, I expect to have to occasionally interact with them, even if there is a visitor.

[SKL]

I just don't expect to have that kind of visit at my home with 3 kids without DH there to deal with whatever comes up.  I can certainly can send the 9 and 7 year old off, after being allowed to chat for a minute, and ask them to give me some time.  But I didn't expect that when they were 2 or 3.  And I don't expect to have that uninterrupted time now with a nearly 2 year old.  I schedule adult time away from the kids.  When they are there, I expect to have to occasionally interact with them, even if there is a visitor.

 

I think people will expect the interruptions if your child is under 2 and they are in your home.

 

I don't have a lot of visiting in my home, either, and I tend to dissuade miscellaneous people from trying to socialize with me when I'm with kids, because it is so distracting.  But then there are people whom I want to give my time to for whatever reason.  It's good for the kids to learn how to give adults space.  In my family, they start to learn it as part of normal household dynamics - they aren't to interrupt conversations among the adults who live here etc.  They learn to listen on the sidelines and figure out what is a proper time to insert themselves.

[poppy]

This is my guess as well. I have seen it go three ways. I socialize with some people that allow/encourage children to speak at any time and the adults are expected to halt conversation until the child has had their moment. I socialize with others that have taught their children to not interrupt during a conversation thread (meaning, not just waiting for a pause but a change of topic). And still others that are in-between. No mid-sentance interruptions allowed but between sentences is fair game.

 

I gather from your posts that you are in the third camp. I, myself, am in the second camp and have taught dd to participate as though she were another adult in the conversation and not interrupt or bring in a new topic until it would be naturally appropriate in the conversation....unless there is something that needs to be said immediately, like blood, fire, or vomit. When she was still learning, I had signals that indicated "wait" until the appropriate time to change the topic.

 

When I am having a conversation with another adult whose child is interrupting in a fashion I am not used to, I look to the parent for clues. If they continue talking, I do as well. I find myself avoiding relationships with people who allow their children to interrupt frequently as I have trouble maintaining any sort of thought when interrupted often. I will not say it is "wrong" but it is annoying and I prefer to avoid it.

 

It sounds like a simple conversation with Auntie is in order. And maybe some tips to the kids on how to navigate those visits specifically.

I am really fine with letting her, as an infrequent guest and respected older relative, direct the conversation. I actually think my cues were pretty clear --- and pretty clearly ignored. It is not something I'm willing to make an issue of with her. I am not deeply offended, it's just not my preference to have ANYONE interrupted mid sentence.

 

Really I was just wondering how others dealt with this.

 

I do think your & SKL's advice to prep the kids for this guest's visits is wise.

 

I am really surprised that most posters do not permit their children speak in the presence of visiting adults. I am going to have to mull this over.

 

I do appreciate the replies!

[kbutton]

I think where to draw the line for kids' participation has a lot to do with whether the guest is a friend of the parent/s, a friend of the whole family, a friend of the child, etc. Some families are very much all involved in everyone's friendships and guests, and other families are very private--this guest is mine, or this guest is ours, etc.

 

We rarely have company due to scheduling issues, and it's not unusual for a friend of mine to also be someone that teaches my kids in Sunday School or something like that. Unless we know ahead of time what the visit is supposed to be like (they are dropping something off, they are visiting with me, we are all visiting), the expectations are hard to match to behavior. For example, say the friend wants to visit me, her kids are still in school (and have played with my kids before), but we are finished with our school for the day. It's not really a play-date, yet the friend knows and interacts with my children outside our home as often as she would interact with me outside our home; unless I tell the children exactly what to expect, they think the adult is there to be with them as much as to be with me. Even if I tell them, it's not necessarily going to be the same the next time that guest is there. Other people wouldn't have this scenario play out because they make friends and socialize differently than my family does.

 

Also, I think that certain guests are ones that kids always want to see--such as a treasured aunt or a close friend. Maybe for such visits it would be appropriate to build a timeslot into each visit for the kids to have her to themselves, show her their latest toys, etc., and then they know to shuffle off and do their own thing. ("Auntie will be here for an hour. I want to talk to her while you play, but I know you are dying to show her your new game. Why don't you show her x, and tell her three things about it, and then you can go play.") Bring them out again for a goodbye. We often do this for telephone or video calls with relatives since we don't have any relatives nearby, and the kids start to go bonkers after being in an open-ended conversation for long.

[Mergath]

I am really fine with letting her, as an infrequent guest and respected older relative, direct the conversation. I actually think my cues were pretty clear --- and pretty clearly ignored. It is not something I'm willing to make an issue of with her. I am not deeply offended, it's just not my preference to have ANYONE interrupted mid sentence.

 

Really I was just wondering how others dealt with this.

 

I do think your & SKL's advice to prep the kids for this guest's visits is wise.

 

I am really surprised that most posters do not permit their children speak in the presence of visiting adults. I am going to have to mull this over.

 

I do appreciate the replies!

 

For us, it's not so much that my dd "isn't permitted to speak in the presence of visiting adults."  It's more that she gets to have me to herself pretty much 24/7, and she knows that on the rare occasion I have a friend over, she needs to let me have an hour to myself to chat with a friend.  It's really no different than if I wanted to read a book for a bit and I told her to find something to do so I can read, for example.

[Farrar]

Most kids need to work on interrupting.  That's normal to me.  I don't think completely ignoring a child actually helps much.  If they didn't remember the rule in the first place, then they're just going to stand there frustrated and hurt.  Many kids don't always pick up on social cues like that - also normal, IMHO.  I think you have to signal them that you know they're trying to say something, but that interrupting is rude.

 

But if the kids really did wait for a lull in the conversation and tried to come and participate, then I think it's auntie who's being rude, though in a way that may reflect her outlook and era.  I mean, if the kids are sitting quietly in the room waiting to speak and trying to break in, that's rude too.  Imagine it was a dh or another adult family member who lived in the house and was clearly trying to participate in the conversation and was being completely ignored.  Sometimes there are "adult" conversations and the kids need to go, in which case, I make that clear to them by saying so and telling them to go play and that they'll have a chance to say hello or chat a little at the end.  But just a chatty visit?  Why should the kids not participate if they would like to?  And depending on my relationship, I might say something along the lines of, "Hey, ds really wants to tell you about something."

 

I do also try to work with the kids on participating in the conversation by adding to the topic.  And I try to open up the conversation to them when I can.  If we're talking about movies, then they can add that they liked or disliked a certain movie, for example.  Of course, sometimes they're not going to have an "in" but I try to help them see those moments instead of leading with non-sequitors.  But on the other side, I do expect family members to respect that the kids are trying to interact with them and to talk to them in a way that is both respectful but also understanding that they're kids.  To me, ideally other adults will be willing to include the kids in conversation by also looking for those ways.  Most of my family does that.

 

As a child, I feel blessed that I was always welcome at my grandmother's table when people stopped by and was welcome to listen and chat too.  And the various elderly relatives that I met and came to know this way never talked over or ignored me.  Instead, I learned to converse by actually being a part of the conversation.

[SKL]

A child who learns to be quiet when adults are talking will end up participating in the adult conversations more and sooner.  As opposed to ending the adult conversation and changing it into a kiddy conversation.

 

But to someone's above point, no, kids are not forbidden to talk when guests visit, but there is a sort of unwritten schedule.  Everyone says hello, exchanges pleasantries, tells the latest and greatest news "I lost a tooth!  Look, I can do a handstand!" etc. as the guest gets settled.  After "enough" of this, the little kids go off to do kid things, older kids have the option to quietly listen (if it's not a sensitive topic), perhaps with a book, homework, or sketch book at hand.  Then once the grown-up chit-chat is done, everyone hangs out together again, maybe shares a snack, whatever.

[Tangerine]

I'll just consider interacting with guests part of that socialization we hear so much about.

[SKL]

I have never heard that.  Why would that be?  For one thing people aren't kids for very long to begin with.  Whatever you do or don't do I think they figure it out one way or another.

 

Why?  Because I would like to have occasional adult moments along my parenting journey.  :P  Sitting with adults and talking about grown-up things and NOT talking about kiddy things is nice once in a while.

 

When I brought my kids home, I pretty much holed up with them for 3 months, and if I went out, they went with me.  I swear the predominant topic of my thought and discussion was poop.  Hard poop, soft poop, not enough poop, too much poop, poop in the bathtub, poop in the potty, poop poop poop!  I couldn't believe it.  Then one day I attended a seminar for professional education credits.  It was like a taste of Heaven.  And not a word about poop to be heard!

 

OK, I got a little carried away there, but seriously.  Adult conversation is worth preserving IMO.  ;P

 

[poppy]

A child who learns to be quiet when adults are talking will end up participating in the adult conversations more and sooner.  As opposed to ending the adult conversation and changing it into a kiddy conversation.

 

But to someone's above point, no, kids are not forbidden to talk when guests visit, but there is a sort of unwritten schedule.  Everyone says hello, exchanges pleasantries, tells the latest and greatest news "I lost a tooth!  Look, I can do a handstand!" etc. as the guest gets settled.  After "enough" of this, the little kids go off to do kid things, older kids have the option to quietly listen (if it's not a sensitive topic), perhaps with a book, homework, or sketch book at hand.  Then once the grown-up chit-chat is done, everyone hangs out together again, maybe shares a snack, whatever.

 

I don't think allowing a child to speak or make a comment means the end of an adult conversation- why would that be?

[mytwomonkeys]

Just to clarify, I do not allow my kids to interrupt mid-sentence. They are old enough to know better. Well, the 3 year old needed to be reminded once or twice, but he did manage. I could see the two of them waiting for a lull in the conversation to bring up what they wanted to say.

 

Does that make a difference?

In that case, I'd be the one to say, "Thanks for being patient. What do you want to share". Then the adult knows your child has the floor to talk, show pictures, etc.

[mom2bee]

Just to clarify, I do not allow my kids to interrupt mid-sentence. They are old enough to know better. Well, the  3 year old needed to be reminded once or twice, but he did manage. I could see the two of them waiting for a lull in the conversation to bring up what they wanted to say.

 

Does that make a difference?

I didn't see this post when I replied the first time. Its not that kids shouldn't be allowed to speak infront of adults, per se (and this varies greatly from place to place) but someone said that the guest may be taking her cues from you and thats something I hadn't thought of but could be very true. I can fully understand the tykes wanting to be 'part of the visit'. It is tricky to tell, from your OP just how these conversations go.

 

Along with prompting them/priming them prior to aunties arrival, since you are probably more intuned to the kids than Aunty (is she widowed or an empty-nester by any chance?) Maybe if you see them waiting for more than 2 or 3 minutes, you might find away to politely address the child without cutting Aunty off mid-sentence.

 

"...Oh, Really Aunty Marge, haha! I can't believe you had to put up with a jerk like that, you handled it with such good grace." upon noticing your child is still waiting for your attention-- "Oh, Excuse me Aunt Marge, just for a moment--Yes, Timmy, what do you need sweetheart? Oh my thats a lovely dinosaur. Why don't you go and draw another while Mommy and Aunty enjoy their visit. Off you go, darling--Yes, Joey, you may have some juice, give mommy some time to finish talking with Aunt Marge first.--So, Aunt Marge, what did you tell that young mans supervisor..."

You could also teach the kids to politely say "excuse me" after laying their hand on someone gently for their attention?

 

[poppy]

Why?  Because I would like to have occasional adult moments along my parenting journey.  :p  Sitting with adults and talking about grown-up things and NOT talking about kiddy things is nice once in a while.

 

When I brought my kids home, I pretty much holed up with them for 3 months, and if I went out, they went with me.  I swear the predominant topic of my thought and discussion was poop.  Hard poop, soft poop, not enough poop, too much poop, poop in the bathtub, poop in the potty, poop poop poop!  I couldn't believe it.  Then one day I attended a seminar for professional education credits.  It was like a taste of Heaven.  And not a word about poop to be heard!

 

OK, I got a little carried away there, but seriously.  Adult conversation is worth preserving IMO.  ;P

 

 

If I want to have an adult conversation - the grownup version of a playdate :) - I schedule it for when I can be away from the house, or at least when my husband is home from work to entertain the kids.   Problem is, Auntie shows up  in the early afternoon when I am alone with a 3 and 5 year old.  I can't really make them go away. I've tried (joking!!)  The older one can entertain herself but the younger one is needier. 

[shanvan]

I don't think allowing a child to speak or make a comment means the end of an adult conversation- why would that be?

It depends on the child and his or her expectations.  I've definitely encountered kids who have interrupted and then expected the entire visit to be about them.  It can become like and assault ...'watch me do this watch me do that look at this, etc.'  (Absolutely not saying that is what OP's kids are like!)

 

When I first read your post I had the same reaction as others--your kids are interrupting, you should make them stop, but after reading on I realize it's not such a clear cut issue.  If you want your children to have some sort of relationship with relatives beyond 'they give me things' they do need to learn how to converse and interact.  I think you need some sort of happy medium as some posters have described.

[SKL]

I don't think allowing a child to speak or make a comment means the end of an adult conversation- why would that be?

 

It depends, but if it's a young child who has not been told to hold off while adults are having a back-and-forth, then presumably interruptions will happen often enough to change the course of the conversation.

 

I know that it happens to me and my friends when we're trying to have a serious discussion.  Breaking up the continuity of the conversation changes the tone, makes people forget what they were going to say, extinguishes the fire.  I mean, I'm picturing:

 

"And then she told him to ___"

"She said WHAT! [big eyes, high-pitched voice] No way, after what he-"

 

MOMMY I WANT A DRINK OF WATER

yes dear, here you go

BUT I WANT IT IN THE GREEN GLASS

keep it in the kitchen sweetie

 

"OK, so you were saying?"

 

"Oh, nothing, just seems a bit surprising."

[fraidycat]

I think a simple "excuse me" at the beginning of their sentence would help. Even if they're were in the room the whole time, but not participating in the conversation, the "excuse me" would then draw them in, politely, for however long it takes for them to show you what they want you to see.

 

For all Aunty knows "Look at my dinosaur!" Is directed at someone else in the room and not her or you because she has only been conversing with you up until that point.

[EKS]

You can interrupt a conversation without actually interrupting someone mid sentence. If the kid isn't saying something on topic, he is the one who us being rude. Since most young children aren't going to be contributing meaningfully to a conversation between adults, if they speak at all, it is considered by me to be an interruption and when my children would have been told to wait until the end of the visit to speak to me about it.

[wintermom]

If I want to have an adult conversation - the grownup version of a playdate :) - I schedule it for when I can be away from the house, or at least when my husband is home from work to entertain the kids.   Problem is, Auntie shows up  in the early afternoon when I am alone with a 3 and 5 year old.  I can't really make them go away. I've tried (joking!!)  The older one can entertain herself but the younger one is needier. 

 

It sounds like she is the focused one who wants to chat and you are distracted by your dc. That is completely natural. Have you ever visited someone with a dog that barks, and you don't even notice it but the owners get distracted by it? It happens to me all the time (both as the dog owner and the visitor). You are in tune with your kids and their needs, while your aunt isn't when they are under your care. She doesn't have to be.

 

It sounds like you're doing a great job with your little ones, while at the same time maintaining the bond with your aunt. She seems like a wonderful lady who takes the time to come over to visit, watch your children when needed, etc. Enjoy the visits and balance the discussions and interruptions as best you can without stressing about it.

[Catwoman]

I would hold up a finger at my child (which means hush and wait). And if that didn't work I'd say "I'm speaking to an adult" and go on with the adult conversation until I felt it was the child's "turn."

 

In my world, adults talk over children. Children are instructed to wait their turn to talk, especially if I'm talking to an adult..

 

Aside from the basic etiquette aspect, my kids have me a lot of the time each day. In the OP, Auntie only visits 2 hours per month. I give priority to guests who are on an occasional visit.

I don't prioritize a conversation with an adult over a conversation with my child on the basis that somehow adults are more important than children.

 

I don't buy that at all.

 

I do, however, expect that my kid won't barge in and start talking over another person -- whether it's an adult or another child -- because that's just plain rude.

 

If, "in your world," adults talk over children, I would suggest that the adults in your world need to learn some manners.

[Garga]

I don't horn in when my son has a friend over.  Imagine if I interrupted two 11 year olds in the middle of their time together to make suggestions or to show them something I was doing!  Do you think they'd be all that thrilled? Especially if I did it a lot?  No, not at all. They'd wish I'd leave them alone to play.  

 

I've told my sons that in the same way that they don't want me to hang out in their room when their buddies are over jumping into their conversations, I don't want them to do that with my conversations.  They were satisfied with what I said and didn't seem the least bit put out.  They got it.

 

When I've been with friends who let the conversation get interrupted non-stop by kids, it ruins the visit.  I might as well go home.  And I suppose that some people would say, "Well, fine then!  Go home!" and that's fine.  But if I really want to have a discussion with an adult, it can't be interrupted non-stop or you can't possibly have a true meeting of minds.  It becomes a time of "what nice weather we're having."  You can't have a heart-to-heart or even a detailed chat if the conversation is constantly being derailed. I like a little meat in my conversation and not just a few short statements in between looking at dinosaurs.  

 

Just because I have children doesn't mean I don't get any more chats with friends until they leave home.  We all learn to give each other room to spend time with our friends without interruption.  I leave the kids alone, they leave me alone, and we all get to enjoy and grow our friendships.

 

If I were the OP, I'd teach the kids to leave Aunty alone when she's chatting with Mommy.

 

Then I'd tell Aunty that you'd be honored to have her be part of the kids' lives and find something interesting for her to do with the kids.  Maybe go out for ice-cream so that the activity is geared for children and not adult chats.

[Garga]

Ok, just realized your youngest is only 3.  That's a little different than my 11 and 8 yos.  3-year olds need pretty much constant attention.  

 

If the child interrupts, put up a finger and say "Hang on until Aunty is done speaking."

 

If Aunty interrupts, hold up a finger and say, "Excuse me, I need to hear what DD is saying to me."

 

If Aunty doesn't care about being interrupted, everything is fine.  If Aunty does care, she'll stop visiting during the hours when you're home alone with the kids.  Win-win.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

My mom and MIL have done that ignore thing, and DW and and I will use an appropriate pause in the dialog to get DD in with something like "This is what she was trying to say/show you..."

 

Gave DD a chance to learn to wait, while teaching the grown up that we do NOT do the seen-not-heard thing. Now DD is 13, so not an issue, but it was a kind of impromtu convetsation training I wish I had as a kid.

[Lisbeth]

I think Aunt was being rude. To actively interrupt, talk over, ignore a polite child shows her lack of manners.  I would politely take care of it by listening to the child and ignoring the Aunt talking over the child.  

[Rachel TX]

Interesting.  I'm taking this in.

 

I think they wanted to be part of the visit. We were sitting in the living room, the kids quietly playing between us with toys on the floor. I've taught them that they have to wait until no one is speaking before they can pipe up.  But it didn't work here. I felt bad that they weren't allowed to even complete a sentence when following my "rules".

 

 

There are two extremes: one is allowing a child to interrupt mid-sentence and the other is excluding a child from a visit, but I assume most of us take the middle ground and pause once in a while to let a child speak and interact.

 

When I'm talking with an adult, my children touch my arm to let me know they want to say something. After I wait a few sentences until a natural break in the conversation, I give them attention and ask, "What is it?" Even if it's not a mid-sentence interruption, it still is an interruption for the conversation, and that can be really distracting when it happens a lot. For me it's always been a child issue, not an adult issue. I actually feel tired when I talk to parents who let their children interrupt a lot.

 

My youngest is four, and he learned to touch my arm during a conversation rather quickly. It helps a lot.

[Haiku]

I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Life is full of situations where we don't always get what we want, and kids are not too precious to learn this. They know how Auntie operates, they should make adjustments accordingly, and everyone should let it go. It's small potatoes in the grand scheme of life.

[Ellie]

I think Aunt was being rude. To actively interrupt, talk over, ignore a polite child shows her lack of manners.  I would politely take care of it by listening to the child and ignoring the Aunt talking over the child.  

 

The aunt was not actively interrupting. The child was. The child was not polite, because he was interrupting. For the OP to ignore the aunt, who was in mid-sentence, and talk to the child would have been the height of rudeness.

 

It is not a big deal. It takes many years to bring up a well-mannered child, and I'm sure the aunt was understanding about it. She is involved in their lives and sees them on a regular basis and does things with them--she sounds wonderful. It may be that she was thinking that she was helping the OP teach the child how polite conversations work, by continuing to talk when she was so rudely interrupted. She didn't have a snit. She didn't tell the child to be quiet. She didn't correct the OP. She just kept talking and waited for the OP to make corrections.

 

The main issue, for me, is that the OP didn't see, at first, that the problem is not relatives who talk over kids. I think she does now (I hope). :-)