MIL vent

[T'smom]

This is probably stupid, but I am really irritated and don't have anywhere else to vent at the moment. If I'm being stupid, feel free to tell me, this is not a JAWM, but I'm pretty sure I know what I should do.

 

We finally had "Christmas" with the ILs yesterday. They gave us and my dh's bros/wife the same gift. They would like to take us to a fancy dinner and theatre show of our choice in the nearest city. I love the theatre. Dh only goes because it makes me happy and I have never heard any of my bil/SIL even mention wanting to go. BUT. I am 24 weeks pregnant and I do not have a nice enough maternity outfit to wear. I have also had some complications that make sitting for a long time difficult. I don't want to spend money on a maternity outfit that I won't wear again. The distance + time it would take would mean that we would have to spend $75 on a sitter.

 

When we left their house, I mentioned to dh that I didn't want to buy an outfit/pay for a sitter/sit for a long time. He said "that's okay. We'll just go after the baby is born" Obviously, my dh hasn't met me. The mother that hasn't ever left an infant under 6-9 months with a sitter. The one that exclusively breastfeeds his kids. I am NOT going after the baby is born. If we put it off that long, it will be next Christmas!

 

I am irritated with my dh for making that stupid comment and I'm mad at his parents for putting us in the awkward situation of saying "no, thanks". And I think it is really thoughtless to give someone a gift that requires them to spend money. We have lots of expenses right now related to the baby, like buying a van because we don't have enough seats!

 

And the craziest thing.....my SIL is 35 weeks pregnant and in the exact situation of not wanting to leave her infant. I'm just so irritated that so little thought went into this.

 

Ok, vent over.

[Alicia64]

I agree with you: thoughtless present. (Although I'm a HUGE theater fan. Re: clothes, I'd ask if we could go to a matinee and where whatever. Another clothes suggestion: our GoodWill is full of fancy clothes. Clearly many of them were worn twice and given away. Just a thought.)

 

But, yeah, with sitting fees it would be a stretch for me too.

 

And, double yeah: I wouldn't leave my baby either. But I'd go easy on DH. They forget things like that until they're back in the situation!

 

Alley

[elfgivas]

what would happen if you said, "you know how much mary (other dil) and i love theater.  but with us both being pregnant, sitting for any length of time isn't so possible for either of us.  and then of course, we aren't going to want to leave our babies the first few months either.  i found this wonderful stroller, and dh and i wondered if you would consider getting it instead/putting the theater money towards the stroller.  in a few years, i will be dying to go to the theater with you."... or your dh could say it.

 

re dh's comment: in the moment, he'll remember.  it sounds to me as if he were trying to make you feel better.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[kewb]

I think you might have some pregnancy hormones working.  It sounds like your MIL knows you like theatre and thought this would be something you would enjoy.  People who no longer have babies forget what is involved when you do have a baby.  I would be honest and tell her that you appreciate the thought but it is not a gift you can use right now (insert reasons you stated here).

 

As for your dh's comments-typical stereotype of a man comments.  I would not waste energy being upset about it.

[T'smom]

Honestly, I guess I always give my MIL the benefit of the doubt. I think she has goodwill toward me. I would have NO problem calling her and saying, " I normally love this gift and I'm really glad you thought of me. However, I really cannot sit for long periods of time right now. Plus, I would have a hard time buying a nice maternity outfit I wouldn't ever wear again. Is it ok if we do something different? Could I get a massage instead? ( or a nice dinner out, or whatever) And if you really do like the gift normally then tell her that when the youngest is a year old, that you wouldn't mind getting the gift again.

 

People are not mind readers. They do what they think you will like or guess. You have to be honest.

While I would like to go to the theatre, I'm the only one who would. She also gave my recently-divorced BIL, and the BIL/SIL that I mentioned the same gift. I know for a fact that they don't care for live theatre. The single BIL said "How about you just buy the cabinet hardware I need and I'll be happy." She said "No, we want to spend time with you." She also specifically mentioned that she wants to spend time with all of us without the kids. Which means paying for a sitter. Which is just not in the budget right now.

[T'smom]

I think you might have some pregnancy hormones working. It sounds like your MIL knows you like theatre and thought this would be something you would enjoy. People who no longer have babies forget what is involved when you do have a baby. I would be honest and tell her that you appreciate the thought but it is not a gift you can use right now (insert reasons you stated here).

 

As for your dh's comments-typical stereotype of a man comments. I would not waste energy being upset about it.

I absolutely do have pregnancy hormones raging!!!

[gardenmom5]

I think you should give them the benefit of the doubt that they truly meant well.  It's been along time since your mil was pregnant, and she's probably forgotten some of what it was like.  yes - you can forget.  I had reminders in the form of getting pregnant when my youngst was 12.  I'd moved on from that stage, and no longer gave it much thought.

 

if your sil is also expecting (and closer to her due date than you are), have you spoken with her about what she wants to do?  if you both approach mil together that you are very appreciative, but given the impending maternity of both of you it's just not practical right now because of physical considerations - perhaps an alternative can be suggested. something all of you can do together - even if it's going to a nice restaurant for dinner.

 

 

[Moxie]

Hmmm... They want to spend time with everyone doing one of your favorite things. That's not that exactly thoughtless. I'd get a black skirt and a sitter and try to enjoy the night.

[T'smom]

I think you should give them the benefit of the doubt that they truly meant well. It's been along time since your mil was pregnant, and she's probably forgotten some of what it was like. yes - you can forget. I had reminders in the form of getting pregnant when my youngst was 12. I'd moved on from that stage, and no longer gave it much thought.

 

if your sil is also expecting (and closer to her due date than you are), have you spoken with her about what she wants to do? if you both approach mil together that you are very appreciative, but given the impending maternity of both of you it's just not practical right now because of physical considerations - perhaps an alternative can be suggested. something all of you can do together - even if it's going to a nice restaurant for dinner.

I did talk to my SIL and she is more irritated than I am. She's generally more sensitive to slights than I am and she's had more disagreements with MIL. I do mostly get along with MIL. I don't think that she was out to get me or anything. Just that she wasn't thinking AND that it is more about what she wants than anything else. Namely, to spend time with us without the kids (and apparently without each other. It was made clear that we were invited as couples, we don't get to go with BIL/SIL.) They said repeatedly that they wanted to spend time with us.

 

I agree she doesn't remember what it's like. But, she regales us with tales of how rough she had it. (And she absolutely did....our husbands are triplets!) She thinks anyone having a singleton has it easy.

[zoobie]

It's sweet that she wants to spend time with you, but it's more of a gift for her than you. She picked the venue, set the rules, and you have to incur costs to comply. Costs that are out of your budget at the moment. I'd definitely feel annoyed too. Annoyed is different from calling her a horrible person and hating her forever. ;)

 

Maybe in a couple of years you can cash in your "gift" and enjoy the outing. :)

[T'smom]

It's sweet that she wants to spend time with you, but it's more of a gift for her than you. She picked the venue, set the rules, and you have to incur costs to comply. Costs that are out of your budget at the moment. I'd definitely feel annoyed too. Annoyed is different from calling her a horrible person and hating her forever. ;)

 

Maybe in a couple of years you can cash in your "gift" and enjoy the outing. :)

This is it exactly!!! It is a gift for her NOT for us. That is what I am finding so annoying.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some people are just not good at giving gifts.  She tried.  She knew that you liked theater.  She knew that having a special time out with your dh would (in theory) be a thoughtful gift.  She's forgotten what it is like to be pregnant with young children.  

[I talk to the trees]

First- :grouphug:

Second- You are not alone. My IL's (well, my MIL, anyway- Let's not discuss my FIL.) are nice, and well-meaning, but sometimes leave me feeling like this: :blink: :confused1: I think some people get what they think is an amazing idea, then forget to run it through the common sense filter.

Finally- If you would really like to go, hit Goodwill NOW. Many people are donating things that were replaced over Christmas, and you may get an amazing deal! Remember, pregnancy is a temporary state, and gals who bought a great maternity dress for this year's Christmas party may not need it next year! I don't know if this exists where you live, but we have a second hand shop run by the American Cancer Society. They only take high end merchandise, and their prices are actually better than my local Goodwill! If you have one, it's worth a look.

[T'smom]

Hmmm... They want to spend time with everyone doing one of your favorite things. That's not that exactly thoughtless. I'd get a black skirt and a sitter and try to enjoy the night.

Well, thanks for your opinion. But I'm not letting my MIL dictate that I have to spend money on clothes/childcare if I don't want to.

 

"Favorite things" would be an overstatement.

[Twinmom]

I understand your irritation. Would it be possible for you and your SIL to trade sitting services on the nights the other one goes? Borrow outfits from each other? It wouldn't solve all your problems with this, I know, but it might solve a few.

[trulycrabby]

I would just smile, thank her, then never, ever take her up on the offer. If she pushes or gets specific with dates, then I would tell her that due to your condition, traveling in the car and sitting for long periods of time are miserable and impossible to do right now.

[catz]

I would just smile, thank her, then never, ever take her up on the offer. If she pushes or gets specific with dates, then I would tell her that due to your condition, traveling in the car and sitting for long periods of time are miserable and impossible to do right now.

Honestly, if you really don't want to go and don't want to make this event happen, this is what I would do. Just completely let it drop off your radar. Really, in the scope of in-law infractions, this is pretty minor. I actually think it is pretty sweet they want to spend time with the adults.

[Joker]

My MIL once bought me tickets to Chippendales in Vegas for a girls night out. :huh: I was on vacation with two toddlers and happy to be visiting family and friends. I said no, someone else went in my place, and we all moved on. I actually really love my MIL but I just could never understand the thought process behind that one without asking first. FTR, I'm not a prude but strippers (no matter how classy they're supposed to be) are just not my thing.

 

So, I would just let her know it's not something that will work right now but you would love to take her up on her offer at a later time.

[Catwoman]

Honestly, I guess I always give my MIL the benefit of the doubt.  I think she has goodwill toward me.  I would have NO problem calling her and saying, "  I normally love this gift and I'm really glad you thought of me.  However, I really cannot sit for long periods of time right now.  Plus, I would have a hard time buying a nice maternity outfit I wouldn't ever wear again.  Is it ok if we do something different?  Could I get a massage instead? ( or a nice dinner out, or whatever)  And if you really do like the gift normally then tell her that when the youngest is a year old, that you wouldn't mind getting the gift again.

 

People are not mind readers.  They do what they think you will like or guess.  You have to be honest.

 

:iagree:

 

I wouldn't ask for a replacement gift, but if you want to discuss it with her, I would have your dh explain why you can't do the theater thing with her -- I think your dh should be dealing with his own mother, as she will probably take it better from him. You shouldn't have to be in the middle of this.

 

It's sweet that she wants to spend time with you, but it's more of a gift for her than you. She picked the venue, set the rules, and you have to incur costs to comply. Costs that are out of your budget at the moment. I'd definitely feel annoyed too. Annoyed is different from calling her a horrible person and hating her forever. ;)

 

Maybe in a couple of years you can cash in your "gift" and enjoy the outing. :)

 

:iagree:

 

Your MIL wants to do what she wants to do, and I wouldn't be any happier about it than you are. A gift isn't a gift if it costs the recipient money.

 

I would just smile, thank her, then never, ever take her up on the offer. If she pushes or gets specific with dates, then I would tell her that due to your condition, traveling in the car and sitting for long periods of time are miserable and impossible to do right now.

 

:iagree:

 

That's probably what I would do, but if she was pushy, I'd let your dh deal with his mother.

[Robin M]

:grouphug:

 

Say Thank you, really appreciate it  and we'll take you up on it in a year or two.   They didn't place a time limit on the gift, did they? 

[Catwoman]

:grouphug:

 

Say Thank you, really appreciate it  and we'll take you up on it in a year or two.   They didn't place a time limit on the gift, did they? 

 

That is PERFECT!  :thumbup:

[Trish]

What do you wear to church? Couldn't you wear that? It doesn't have to be the Saturday evening show.

 

I agree though, it might have been nice if MIL had run her idea past you first!

[QueenCat]

Some people are just not good at giving gifts.  She tried.  She knew that you liked theater.  She knew that having a special time out with your dh would (in theory) be a thoughtful gift.  She's forgotten what it is like to be pregnant with young children.  

 

Well said. I'd look at it as her just not thinking. I hardly think she was being thoughtless, nor do I think she slighted anyone.

[Ripley]

I can see my MIL doing this as a "one last hurrah before the babies are born" thing --

 

1. wants all of the (adult) kids together for a nice evening out,

2. realizes that once babies are born, chances of going out are less,

3. maybe wishes someone had given her a "last hurrah" gift before bringing home triplets and is trying to do that "nice" for y'all.

 

My MIL would take me shopping for an outfit, and offer to find a sitter - at her house, for all displaced kids - so that's where our situations differ. I think if it were something you wanted to do, you'd try to scrape together funds or time to find or borrow a black skirt or something to wear - thrift store, craiglist, freecycle, used kids' clothing stores, friends ... or just go in the best you've got. I had to attend a funeral in "the best I've got" (it was pretty awful but I was 34 weeks pregnant and didn't want to buy a one-time dress) and people were generally forgiving of my fashion faux pas. I think you'd receive the same :)

 

(Have DH or a BIL) let her know the sitter is an issue - see if she can hire one, or y'all can pool money for ONE sitter at HER home (or whomever is willing to host). It may mean a late night up for T, but that won't kill the kid. And even if the gift is for her, then let it be for her. Sometimes we have to suck $&$! up for the women who gave us our husbands. But barring all of that, let SIL take the hit for this one since they're relationship seems worse anyhow. :leaving:

[Denise in IN]

Could you ask if they could just take everyone out for dinner instead of dinner plus theatre?  And perhaps they could pay for the babysitters (since there's no $$ for the theatre) so it's truly a gift instead of an added financial burden.  If her desire is truly to spend time with all of the adults, I don't see why it has to be the theatre, especially since most of the family doesn't really appreciate that.

[Danestress]

The single BIL said "How about you just buy the cabinet hardware I need and I'll be happy." She said "No, we want to spend time with you." She also specifically mentioned that she wants to spend time with all of us without the kids. Which means paying for a sitter. Which is just not in the budget right now.

You BIL needs a whole new set of manners more than he needs hardware.

 

I agree with those who say you should thank you in-laws but not actually feel obligated to cash in on this present until you are ready. Or perhaps your DH could ask them to take you to a matinee rather than an evening performance. Those shows are generally more casual and would not require buying a new outfit. Maybe they would agree to do just a show together, and then take you to dinner or lunch another time. That way you wouldn't be leaving the kids as long.

 

 

Either way, even though I see why this is aggravating, I would evaluate with DH whether you are spending enough time with his parents. If you already do, great. But if not, maybe you are seeing an expression, however badly timed, of a greater need for connection to their sons and DILs. Maybe they really meant this present to please you but also create memories together. If she never wants to be around your kids, you have a problem MIL. If she just thought a night out for the adults would be a special event, she is only guilty of miscalculating.

[NorthwestMom]

My MIL once bought me tickets to Chippendales in Vegas for a girls night out. :huh: I was on vacation with two toddlers and happy to be visiting family and friends. I said no, someone else went in my place, and we all moved on. I actually really love my MIL but I just could never understand the thought process behind that one without asking first. FTR, I'm not a prude but strippers (no matter how classy they're supposed to be) are just not my thing.

 

 

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:

 

I would DIE if my MIL did that!

[Wheres Toto]

To me the discomfort with sitting is more of an issue than the babysitter or the outfit. 

 

It sounds like she is taking each couple separately, so maybe her intention is for you guys to swap babysitting, so there's no expense there.  Or maybe she'll help out if she realizes it's a big issue.

 

I live in Northern NJ and go see Broadway shows semi-frequently.  My oldest goes WAY more often than I do, I think she's seen three since September.  There is no need to buy a new outfit for the theatre.  What you wear to church, or some plain black pants with a nice blouse are more than fine.  Many shows, a pair of jeans with a nice top is fine. 

 

But if you will be unable to sit through a show without discomfort, you are not going to be able to enjoy it anyway.   I would just explain that to MIL and redeem it at some future point.

[Tammyla]

So, they now know that the gift isn't timed well, will cost you a small fortune, make the pregnant or new  mommies uncomfortable, but they want to spend time with just the adults... because it is what they want for Christmas.  It sounds like this gift is for them, and you enjoying the theatre is only  a coincidence. 

 

You  may need to just say, thanks, but no thanks and accept that they aren't interested in putting the money towards something else.

 

Your dh needs to tell his parents that the gift would be wonderful in about x-months or years, but it isn't going to happen now.

 

Please try not to let them upset you.

[Kathryn]

This was a present for her. It was rude. It is always rude to "give" someone something that will mean significant costs incurred by them. Some people are missing the facts that of the five people this was "gifted" to, four do not enjoy the theater at all and the one who does has significant obstacles to being able to go. And it is not an "everyone all together," MIL wants each child separately WITHOUT their kids. She's putting stipulations on this "gift" of hers.

Anyway, I agree with just not mentioning it and letting it fade. When she brings it up, that's when I'd mention the impractibility of it (babysitter, clothes, pregnancy, etc.).

[elfgivas]

as i reread the answers, i think maybe i might change mine....

 

what might happen if her gift met with grace?  if we could all look past the could have/should have's and saw a mother's longing to do something WITH her children and their spouses?

 

then, it might be possible to swap babysitting, and go to dinner locally, with theater put off until later.  mil would have time with her children and their spouses.  good food would be eaten.  it could become one of those memory-making times. 

 

i think i like this approach much better than what i initially suggested. 

 

not that all the selfish comments might not be true, but its us who get to choose the frame we put around a picture, and i like this frame better; it changes the whole picture.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Scrub Jay]

Why can't the gift be used post-baby when you are ready?

 

I have had a spa package sitting in my drawer from DH and my eldest since I was pregnant with DD2 (she's 1 now).  I just haven't had a chance to use it and for a long while wasn't ready to leave the baby.  The gift wasn't any less thoughtful even though it was given during a difficult pregnancy.  It just meant I had something to look forward to far off in the future (and hopefully that future is soon, I'm ready for some pampering!).

[Miss Mousie]

as i reread the answers, i think maybe i might change mine....

 

what might happen if her gift met with grace?  if we could all look past the could have/should have's and saw a mother's longing to do something WITH her children and their spouses?

 

then, it might be possible to swap babysitting, and go to dinner locally, with theater put off until later.  mil would have time with her children and their spouses.  good food would be eaten.  it could become one of those memory-making times. 

 

i think i like this approach much better than what i initially suggested. 

 

not that all the selfish comments might not be true, but its us who get to choose the frame we put around a picture, and i like this frame better; it changes the whole picture.

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

Beautiful.  And spot-on.  And so loving and kind.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I think it sounds like a lovely and thoughtful gift. Wouldn't a lot of people assume, rationally, that

A. mothers have one outfit to wear to dinner, and

B. parents hire babysitters for evenings out as a regular thing?

I never have had fancy clothes, and I don't hire babysitters, but both are really, really normal and mainstream.

From 'way out here, this whole scenario is not selfish, thoughtless, tactless, or a problem. It's a gift. It's a nice gift.

The only polite response that comes to mind, if you can't accept it now, is to say, "Thank you, MIL, this is lovely and we really look forward to going to dinner and the theater with you once the baby is here and old enough to leave with a sitter."

[T'smom]

Ok. To address a couple things, this is not some poor, elderly woman who never sees her kids. We spend plenty of time with them. Plenty. She is wonderful in a lot of respects, but she does have some boundary issues. We do occassionally hire a babysitter. But this would be such a long period of time that it would be too expensive right now. I wouldn't expect a woman to necessarily have a really nice outfit for the 4-5 months she's too big to wear her regular clothes. I wear jeans and sweaters to church. I had not considered thrift stores, which is a good idea or switching childcare with with SIL. Those are great ideas, but I'm still left with the fact that I can't sit comfortably though a math lesson. I end up standing over him. I am doing some physical therapy that I hope will help, but that's iffy right now.

 

She is not desperate for our company. In fact, when my SIL is due with her baby, they will be vacationing far away. The vacation was not planned before they knew they were expecting a new grandchild. Apparently, the vaca sounds better than meeting grandchild #8, when he/she is born. In the summer, we all stay at the same lake for a majority of the summer and we see them more days than we don't. Well, the single BIL doesn't stay out there, but often comes to golf with his dad/brothers and to take his kids to the beach. There is a lot of background there and I can see how it might come across as my being unwilling to bend. But it's hard to explain everything, so I tried to stick to just the one issue. We're not going. We will just keep putting it off if she brings it up. If she still wants it next year, I guess we can go then.

 

Thanks to the people who understood where I was coming from. I think it's rude to give a gift that means the recipient has to spend money. Even without the clothes, we would have to get a sitter.

[momee]

nm

[arnold]

I think your over reacting and acting a bit like a child. Your only 24 weeks along, and I'm sure you could pick up something reasonable to wear for next to nothing. What about borrowing from a friend or even your SIL? We all make time and effort to do things that are important to us.  If you DH wanted to take you out for an evening, I'm sure you'd make the proper accommodations.  I say get a sitter, get a dress, and accept this gift with the same grace it which it was given. You should consider your self lucky that your in laws actually want to spend time with you.

[T'smom]

I think your over reacting and acting a bit like a child. Your only 24 weeks along, and I'm sure you could pick up something reasonable to wear for next to nothing. What about borrowing from a friend or even your SIL? We all make time and effort to do things that are important to us. If you DH wanted to take you out for an evening, I'm sure you'd make the proper accommodations. I say get a sitter, get a dress, and accept this gift with the same grace it which it was given. You should consider your self lucky that your in laws actually want to spend time with you.

Yeah, "only 24 weeks" I just love it when other people tell me how I feel and what I am comfortable with. I have this thing where my pelvis keeps coming out of alignment and causing pain- sometimes excruciating. I am doing some physical therapy, but don't know how much it will help or how long it will take. If my dh came home and suggested something either expensive or that would cause me pain, I would think he was off his rocker. She doesn't know details of what's wrong with me, but she does know that I have been having a lot of pain. But none of that changes the fact that it is rude to give a gift that the recipient has to spend money on. It also doesn't change the fact that just because someone gives you something does not mean you have to accept it.

 

And to another poster that said I was rude. I did not say anything to MIL. I said "oh, thanks. That sounds like fun." When they pulled out a list of shows coming through, I mentioned that I liked several and we would just have to see how things worked out. And we will. I just happen to know things won't "work out" for a long time. In fact, she said/did other things that I could have been rude about, but I just smiled and nodded. And let my son keep something that I would never have bought for him.

 

For those posters that think she's a sad, old woman who doesn't get to see her kids- we get together for every tiny holiday. Everything from mother's/father's day, to Memorial Day and Labor Day and everyone's birthday. And through the summer, we see them more often than not.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

This is probably stupid, but I am really irritated and don't have anywhere else to vent at the moment. If I'm being stupid, feel free to tell me, this is not a JAWM, but I'm pretty sure I know what I should do.

 

 

I think it's a JAWM. :) Nothing wrong with that. And I believe you that you were very sweet to MIL in spite of how you felt. Hope you feel better, physically, very soon!

[Trish]

I'm agreeing!

 

This woman has no clue what it's like to be pregnant.

 

She's probably trying to induce you!

[Miss Mousie]

I'm agreeing!

 

This woman has no clue what it's like to be pregnant.

 

She's probably trying to induce you!

 

 

:confused1:   Did you miss the part about the OP's MIL having given birth to triplets?

[Evergreen State Sue]

Is it possible your IL's want to have a private time with you to discuss something important - maybe a health issue, or something to do with their finances or a will?  Sometimes time with the entire family can be too chaotic.  Maybe they just wanted to connect with each son and wife individually.  I've heard twins and I'm sure triplets too get lumped together so maybe they thought that this gift would give each son and his wife some special attention.  

 

You do what you think is best given your health situation and finances.  Don't hide that fact from them and let them know you will look forward to it in the future.  Hopefully you can enjoy this time out when your little one is older. 

[poppy]

I don't mean this as a slight to the OP, but, threads like this make me never want to give a present to anyone, ever.  Yikes. 

I

[Catwoman]

I think your over reacting and acting a bit like a child. Your only 24 weeks along, and I'm sure you could pick up something reasonable to wear for next to nothing. What about borrowing from a friend or even your SIL? We all make time and effort to do things that are important to us. If you DH wanted to take you out for an evening, I'm sure you'd make the proper accommodations. I say get a sitter, get a dress, and accept this gift with the same grace it which it was given. You should consider your self lucky that your in laws actually want to spend time with you.

Wow. Nice. :glare:

 

Did you even bother to read that her biggest problem is that she is unable to remain seated for very long? And quite frankly, you haven't the slightest clue as to whether or not she would make "proper accommodations" if her dh wanted to take her out for an evening. Given that she doesn't want to pay for a sitter, has no dressy clothes to wear, and is in so much pain that she can't sit down even long enough to teach her son a math lesson, I would strongly suspect that your assumptions are entirely inaccurate.