If you don't drink alcohol, do you allow

[mom31257]

your children to go to the homes of friends whose parents do drink?  I've let our ds go home with a friend from church a few times, and he was invited to the same friend's house for a birthday party. It was during the time our family does a cleaning job, and we weren't going to be done when the party was over. The mom said ds was welcome to stay there until we could come get him. When I got there the party was over and only some family members were still there. Some of the adults were drinking. 

 

We don't drink, and I'm concerned about him going to a house that has alcohol. I looked around and noticed that they have a wine rack in the kitchen. That means it isn't locked up. While I don't think ds is interested in trying it now, he might be in the future. 

 

I have a sister who was an alcoholic for 19 years. She has talked with me extensively about this, and she was introduced to drinking at a friend's home just like this. It wasn't locked up, and the kids would sneak and get it. 

 

We are trying to encourage our children to never drink because my dh's grandfather was an alcoholic, too. I will say that both of these people were able to quit and never drink again once they gave their lives to Christ. I'm concerned there might be genetic tendencies toward alcoholism. They are the only two people on either side that ever drank alcohol because we are both from very conservative, Christian families who taught against it.  I'm concerned that going to this house will make it seem more acceptable in ds's mind and there will be the chance he'll give in to peer pressure some day to try it. 

 

Any advice? Should I just speak with the mom about my feelings and ask that they not drink when ds is there and put it away? Should I not allow ds to go there? I don't want to hurt the friendship or make them feel we're judging them. I don't feel drinking is a 'sin', but it is something we choose not to do to be separate from the world. 

 

 

 

 

[PeterPan]

We don't drink, and I was very uncomfortable recently when we (dd age 14 and I) got invited to a party that had extensive drinking.  It was unanticipated, as the person hosting it does not themselves drink.  I would not wittingly take my dc to a party under those circumstances, and I would certainly NEVER allow my dc to go by himself.  That's going into a situation that needs some interpretation and discussion.  I was there, so we discussed, she saw the effects, and it was a learning experience.  But no I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever send my kid into that on her own.  It's not merely what your kid does.  It's that you can't be accountable or supervise what every individual at the party does.  (how much they drink, whether they are in control, whether someone is a closet alcoholic or could get alone with your dc or suggest they go for a ride)  That would be insane.  It's accountability the host can't take on, at least not to a level I would feel comfortable with, and the dc is not prepared to sort through that on their own.

 

I'm just realizing you asked about the future!  Hmm, you know I think I'm with you.  I'd invite the kid over to my house and conveniently not have it work out to go over to his.  You can't tell what their choices are in general on teen drinking, and I can tell you I know people who would surprise you, people who give their kids beer because they say they want them to do it at home, not elsewhere, etc.  So you just really don't know their philosophy.  I wouldn't choose to offend by telling her to put it away.  I'd just have it not work out to go over anymore.

[Ottakee]

Tough one but I would let the kids go but I might talk to the mom as well and just let her know your feelings based on your family situation/history.

 

We don't drink at all. My dh's brother was murdered while he was drinking, his mom was a heavy drinker, an uncle is an alcoholic, etc. As he is Native American there seems to be a much higher risk. Our kids are adopted so don't share the genetics but ds has fetal alcohol and is NA as well so we have talked long and hard with him about NEVER drinking. We even buy him extra pops to take with him so there is less temptation. The girls have mitochondrial disorders that alcohol could really mess with.

[mom31257]

This friend likes to invite ds over after church. I'm concerned about future invites that are just to come over and not necessarily part of a party, too. Will dh have a beer while watching Sunday afternoon football? I'm not sure I'm okay with even that. How would you handle those situations, OhElizabeth? 

[PeterPan]

This friend likes to invite ds over after church. I'm concerned about future invites that are just to come over and not necessarily part of a party, too. Will dh have a beer while watching Sunday afternoon football? I'm not sure I'm okay with even that. How would you handle those situations, OhElizabeth? 

Yeah sorry, I missed the future part and did add onto my other post.  I'm with you with your concerns, and I think you're perfectly valid to be concerned.  I think it's who they are, what they like to do, how they choose to relax.  They have a legal right, and I wouldn't want to offend them by making it seem like you want to infringe on their ability to have a Sunday or whatever the way they want.  It's not what I would prefer (to drink during football) and it's not how I would mentor a growing christian (my own personal viewpoint), but it's something to handle gentle, as a teaching issue.  (no aspersions on people on the boards who choose differently, just saying my view)

 

I think your concerns are valid.  I would take it one step further even.  If your dc goes to that home and sees people socializing drinking, he might decide that's a valid way of life he wishes he had.  So then you've got this conflict between what you've been teaching him and what he's learning over there.  He's LEARNING when he goes over there, and he's at an age when he's choosing his life course.  I don't feel I would send my dc into a learning situation like that alone, unprepared, not if it contradicted what I've been teaching him.  

 

So yes I agree with you.  Think up a firm, polite way out and be consistent.  You're not crazy. 

[mytwomonkeys]

my 3 sisters and parents drink & i do trust them with my kids for sure.  as for parents of my kids friends, they do not drink while watching my kids (there are only a few families that would keep my kids to begin with).  most of the parents don't drink alcohol at all.  i do know one family drinks wine (because I've been in their fridge, lol), but not when my son is there for a playdate or anything.  while we don't drink alcohol, i would not be upset if other adults did. however, i would not want them consuming it while caring for my kids. that would not be cool with me.  the only exception is my immediate family.  my kids have been at my parents or sisters when alcohol was present, but i know without a doubt that my kids were still cared for. it wasn't a party - just wine with dinner. 

[PeterPan]

Not to disagree with Monkeys, but I'd just add that when you get a few more years, you see this teen dynamic of them wanting to be like other people's families.  It makes things a bit more complex, because it's NOT just about whether the kid actually imbibes in the moment.  It's more how they're sorting through issues, because they're choosing their life's path...

[PeterPan]

Tough one but I would let the kids go but I might talk to the mom as well and just let her know your feelings based on your family situation/history.

 

We don't drink at all. My dh's brother was murdered while he was drinking, his mom was a heavy drinker, an uncle is an alcoholic, etc. As he is Native American there seems to be a much higher risk. Our kids are adopted so don't share the genetics but ds has fetal alcohol and is NA as well so we have talked long and hard with him about NEVER drinking. We even buy him extra pops to take with him so there is less temptation. The girls have mitochondrial disorders that alcohol could really mess with.

I love this technique!  Just out of curiousity, how old is he?  See I might not (and this is just me) do that with a 14 yo, but that would be a fabulous technique with a slightly older dc, someone who really has that freedom to choose parties and these complex situations socially.

[mytwomonkeys]

Not to disagree with Monkeys, but I'd just add that when you get a few more years, you see this teen dynamic of them wanting to be like other people's families.  It makes things a bit more complex, because it's NOT just about whether the kid actually imbibes in the moment.  It's more how they're sorting through issues, because they're choosing their life's path...

 

Even in a few years I'm not going to want people drinking with my kids at their house. Especially then! With my family, I allow it because they are my best friends & I really know them.  Other people? I'm not assuming they are responsible drinkers at all.  That's not a benefit of the doubt I'm willing to give. 

[PeterPan]

Even in a few years I'm not going to want people drinking with my kids at their house. Especially then! With my family, I allow it because they are my best friends & I really know them.  Other people? I'm not assuming they are responsible drinkers at all.  That's not a benefit of the doubt I'm willing to give. 

Gotcha, that makes good sense!  And that's the thing that would scare me.  I've got a girl.  Send a girl into a house where the dad is drinking on Sunday afternoon, the mom leaves for groceries...  No way, NO WAY.  I'm not saying that precise thing happened with us.  (people on the boards know us locally, so I'm clarifying!)  I'm just agreeing that you never really know what's going on and safe is better than sorry.

[I talk to the trees]

When you say, "Some of the adults were drinking" do you mean that they were clearly drunk and incapacitated, or playing drinking games , or just that they had drinks in their hands? There is a big difference. If I knew and trusted the adults in charge, I would have no problem with it at all. But I also know that dd understands that alcohol is absolutely prohibited until she is 21. Then she can make her own decisions. I trust her to abide by that in the same way that I trust her to never touch a cigarette.

 

It all comes down to whether or not you feel you can trust the family/ your ds.

[EKS]

Honestly, if I didn't let my kids go to people's houses where there was alcohol present (I mean in the refrigerator or pantry or whatever), they would never see anyone!  Even people I know who don't drink will keep wine or whatever for cooking.  If the parents were getting drunk while my children were under their supervision, that wouldn't be acceptable, but simply having it in the house doesn't bother me at all.

 

Disclaimer: I do drink alcohol, so my perspective may not be what you're looking for.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

AMDG

 

We are in a very similar situation as a pp: both my husband and I come from a long line of alcoholics.  As very young marrieds we were drinkers and sometimes heavy drinkers but within a couple of years of married life, we quit.  It was mostly a response to the devastating alcohol and drug abuse by my husband's brother.  We did discuss our families and genetics and future children and . . . the decision seemed an easy one.

 

We stopped drinking several years before my daughter was born.  We've reared her to understand some people are genetically predisposed to breast cancer, some people to thyroid problems, some people to cancer.  We are genetically predisposed to alcoholism, and possibly addiction in general.  We are very open about it with her and even, now that she is older, practice scenarios in which she will be exposed to alcohol and choices and responses she can make to stay safe.

 

We do go to friends' houses for dinner and/or parties in which alcohol is freely served.  My kiddo sees something interesting in this: as long as we've been friends with these people, they NEVER tire of trying to get us to have a drink.  Never.  This has really struck  my daughter and her feelings run pretty hot on it.  I model (hopefully) graciously declining while navigating sharky waters and so does her dad.

 

I can't stop alcohol from being available e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e and it will be a large part of the wider culture if she goes to almost any university in America.  I pray, most earnestly, that I'm taking the right path by teaching her this way.

 

The only qualm I've had is with parents who serve their children wine with dinner, diluted depending on age.  I've asked that they not offer and to let me know right away if she asks or seems interested.  she never has and I would be astonished if she did at this point.  I pray that she will be strong in college.  I don't know what else to do. 

[beaners]

We drink in my house, I have a wine rack, and we have a cupboard for our liquor. I know I'm not who you asked for in your post, but I'm trying to give you a possible view from the other side.

 

I think you're going to need to say something directly to the parents.  I grew up in a household where moderate, responsible drinking was modeled.  My father would have a glass of wine with a good meal, for example. I would not take on that role of modeling for someone else's children, but I could see some parents who might if they assume another family takes the same point of view. If your family's expectation is NO drinking rather than moderate drinking, I think you need to say something.

 

I would have no problem putting up the alcohol for young visitors, but I wouldn't expect to without another parent saying something.  

[LostSurprise]

I hope I answer this well, because we are in a similar situation to you (alcoholism on one side of the family, we don't drink with friends, go to bars or have drinking parties), with some slight differences. 

 

We're not complete teetotalers. We have unlocked alcohol in our home (pantry closet). We don't expect others not to drink in front of the boys. We do expect to be with the boys in most situations where alcohol is present to monitor and discuss what is going on with them. 

 

It is our preference to model a very conservative but not prohibitive stance on drinking. We talk about it a lot. Our children know close relative X and Y and Z and probably going back several generations have ALL had problems with this and what the consequences have been in their lives. Genetically their chances are very high that it would be a problem. However, instead of locking it up or prohibiting it we model a healthy but distant relationship with alcohol. We hope that our model will limit a lot of the fascination which begins secret teen drinking. Alcohol is for cooking or baking or a glass for a very special occasion. It's a normal ingredient with no mystery to it. 

 

If I was in your position I would definitely not seek to change someone else's household. That's over-reaching. I might limit overnights in the teen years if I was nervous. I would attend parties or sports gatherings until I gauged how the family drank (does someone constantly over do it? is it a beer or two or a glass of wine? do the kids stay with the adults most of the time or disappear for hours?). Most families have a fairly good hold on these things. Drinking is very casual, alcohol is in the common area, and kids don't disappear. 

 

If kids want to drink, they will find a way. I think a lot more should go into helping our children develop healthy boundaries, a sense of self-confidence, and a strong knowledge of the natural consequences of drinking, especially to those who are genetically inclined to addiction. 

 

 

[NicAnn]

I think that's a tough one. We feel similar to you, and have tons of alcoholism in our families. What I would do is talk to your own kids, regularly, about alcoholism. Not a blanket "dangers of drinking" talk, but specifically about why it could be harmful to your children. If your kids are statistic minded, bring up statistics of alcoholism in families.

As far as drinking at others homes by adults...I think it's unreasonable to expect them never to encounter it. But I would also steer clear of a family that often drinks, or includes it in lots of different situations.

[mytwomonkeys]

I don't understand. 

 

But then we certainly have alcohol in this house regularly and while I appreciate the dangers of alcoholism I don't think being at an adult party with responsible drinking going on is a risk factor for alcohol abuse later in life.

 

I don't think it's about alcoholism always. You can have one too many and not be an alcoholic. My issue is that alcohol impairs judgment and relaxes you. Which is fine - heck, even great at times. "It's 5:00 somewhere" as my sisters like to say.  But if you're watching my kids, I need to know you insanely well before I'm going to trust you with them while drinking. I'm not going to assume all adults are responsible drinkers & making good judgment calls. I'm weird about where my kids go anyway, regardless of drinking. Honestly, alcohol is not at all a main factor for me. I'm more concerned with like minded parenting and values. If my kids are going to be at someone's house a lot, I want to know that the influence helping to shape them is one I feel okay with.

[Callie]

 You can't tell what their choices are in general on teen drinking, and I can tell you I know people who would surprise you, people who give their kids beer because they say they want them to do it at home, not elsewhere, etc.  So you just really don't know their philosophy.  I wouldn't choose to offend by telling her to put it away.  I'd just have it not work out to go over anymore.

This would be my concern because I have been totally shocked at parents who give not only their teens alcohol but others children as well.

 

I have a family member who at one time drove the church van, they were SS teachers etc.  They let their own children start drinking in the home at the age of 12.  That was shocking enough but they also allowed friends who were sleeping over to drink.  By the time my nieces and nephews were 16 or 17 their home was the party home with drunk teens there all the time.  My sil openly stated that she didn't give a hoot about other parents not wanting or allowing their children to drink they were welcome to drink in her home (and puke, pass out, pee on her couch, have sex...)

 

I don't drink mainly because even a little makes me feel sick and my husband occasionally will have one or two beers (like 3 or 4 times a year).  I have no religious conviction about drinking or anything else (I'm a former church goer who hasn't been in years).  But I have witnessed first hand in both mine and dh's families horrible alcoholism.  We pretty much have no family relationships with either side because we are the only non drunks.  

 

I would never ask anyone not to drink in their own home, but I'd be cautious about their attitude towards drinking.

[PeterPan]

...

We do go to friends' houses for dinner and/or parties in which alcohol is freely served.  My kiddo sees something interesting in this: as long as we've been friends with these people, they NEVER tire of trying to get us to have a drink.  Never.  This has really struck  my daughter and her feelings run pretty hot on it.  I model (hopefully) graciously declining while navigating sharky waters and so does her dad.

 

I can't stop alcohol from being available e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e and it will be a large part of the wider culture if she goes to almost any university in America.  I pray, most earnestly, that I'm taking the right path by teaching her this way.

 

The only qualm I've had is with parents who serve their children wine with dinner, diluted depending on age.  I've asked that they not offer and to let me know right away if she asks or seems interested.  she never has and I would be astonished if she did at this point.  I pray that she will be strong in college.  I don't know what else to do. 

Wow, see this blows my mind. 

[Amira]

We don't drink at all (none of us ever have), but it never even occurred to me to stop my children from going to homes where people do drink.

 

I wouldn't want them to go to houses where they were pressured to do anything they didn't want to do. I wouldn't want them to go to homes where our beliefs are blatantly disrespected. I wouldn't want them to go to homes where someone was doing something dangerous or illegal. But since I don't think that adults drinking responsibly create any of these situations, I've never worried about it.

[Callie]

. The girls have mitochondrial disorders that alcohol could really mess with.

My 37 year old bil died after a night of heavy drinking due to mitochondrial issues.  He was an alcoholic who drank heavily and daily.

[PeterPan]

My 37 year old bil died after a night of heavy drinking due to mitochondrial issues.  He was an alcoholic who drank heavily and daily.

Ok, in a nutshell, how does the alcohol interact with the mito?  We're low tone in my family, so we've just assumed there were some mild mito issues going on.

[Amy in NH]

I generally agree with LostSurprise.

 

My DH likes to have one (1) beer after work.  He works hard, and it doesn't bother me that it is his reward for a long day and helps him relax.

 

I almost never drink - maybe once or twice per year I'll have a glass of wine at a family gathering.

 

But DH's family does tend to drink more than I think is healthy, and one of my family members is an alcoholic.  We use these situations as teaching tools.

 

So I guess I wonder if the OP is talking about a drinking party where a bunch of adults are getting drunk, or a Dad having a beer after doing his yard work.  IMO that is a big difference as far as whether or not my young children would be there without me to help them navigate the situation.

 

 

[Callie]

I hope I answer this well, because we are in a similar situation to you (alcoholism on one side of the family, we don't drink with friends, go to bars or have drinking parties), with some slight differences. 

 

We're not complete teetotalers. We have unlocked alcohol in our home (pantry closet). We don't expect others not to drink in front of the boys. We do expect to be with the boys in most situations where alcohol is present to monitor and discuss what is going on with them. 

 

It is our preference to model a very conservative but not prohibitive stance on drinking. We talk about it a lot. Our children know close relative X and Y and Z and probably going back several generations have ALL had problems with this and what the consequences have been in their lives. Genetically their chances are very high that it would be a problem. However, instead of locking it up or prohibiting it we model a healthy but distant relationship with alcohol. We hope that our model will limit a lot of the fascination which begins secret teen drinking. Alcohol is for cooking or baking or a glass for a very special occasion. It's a normal ingredient with no mystery to it. 

 

If I was in your position I would definitely not seek to change someone else's household. That's over-reaching. I might limit overnights in the teen years if I was nervous. I would attend parties or sports gatherings until I gauged how the family drank (does someone constantly over do it? is it a beer or two or a glass of wine? do the kids stay with the adults most of the time or disappear for hours?). Most families have a fairly good hold on these things. Drinking is very casual, alcohol is in the common area, and kids don't disappear. 

 

If kids want to drink, they will find a way. I think a lot more should go into helping our children develop healthy boundaries, a sense of self-confidence, and a strong knowledge of the natural consequences of drinking, especially to those who are genetically inclined to addiction. 

Very well said and the above is pretty much how we try to approach alcohol in general.  We normally have a few beers in the fridge and pantry.  Dh will buy a 12 pack of seasonal beer and it will last a year here.  

 

I grew up in an alcoholic home as did dh almost everyone around me drank heavily as do both our siblings and their spouses now.  I do not believe I have ever witnessed responsible moderate drinking in a social situation.   I know that may be hard to believe but it is true.

[Julie Smith]

My kiddo sees something interesting in this: as long as we've been friends with these people, they NEVER tire of trying to get us to have a drink.  Never.  This has really struck  my daughter and her feelings run pretty hot on it.  I model (hopefully) graciously declining while navigating sharky waters and so does her dad.

 

My hubby drinks on occasion. But I rarely do, as in a few times.

 

I do also see this, and don't get it? For example I know many people who like playing the host at parties and offering drinks. They will go mix up drinks, bring people a beer. Ask, "What do you want?" and if you answer anything acholic they are happy to get you a drink, otherwise it gets an answer such as, "No, I mean a real drink", and if you insist you don't want anything acholic you have to help yourself. Not that I meant helping myself, but I find it strange that they only like to serve acholic drinks. 

 

I just find the presure to drink from pretty much everyone to be strange. Note, no pressure is giving to people under the age of 20 (drinking age here is 18). 

 

Also the stories of parties where people had a few to many are just odd to me. Very odd. 

[Callie]

 

 

We do go to friends' houses for dinner and/or parties in which alcohol is freely served.  My kiddo sees something interesting in this: as long as we've been friends with these people, they NEVER tire of trying to get us to have a drink.  Never.  This has really struck  my daughter and her feelings run pretty hot on it.  I model (hopefully) graciously declining while navigating sharky waters and so does her dad.

 

 

I can relate to this also.  I've been told repeatedly that I'm either no fun or your sooo good because I don't drink.  Even when I have explained to them many many times that even a little alcohol makes me feel sick.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I started drinking at age 11.  It has nothing to do with seeing adults drink alcohol responsibly.  It had everything to do with peer pressure and wanting an escape.  It had nothing to do with seeing adults drink either - I was in a very legalistic environment that did not tolerate drinking of any kind.  I have not touched alcohol since my early twenties.  I have no problem with my kids going to the homes of friends who drink moderately and who obey the law on underage drinking.  I talk to my kids a lot about stuff like peer pressure because that can be there to try so many things - huffing, drugs, shoplifting. . . just to name a few.  

[hsbeth]

This issue is tricky. Our social group (family lives mostly long distance, so their input isn't significant) is composed entirely of Christian families, most of whom we either go to church with or have home schooling connections with. We have trusted connections with them and are generally pretty like minded. We all hold similar parenting values. I'd say the group is split about 60/40, slightly more moderate/occ. drinkers than non-drinkers. My husband and I are in the former camp.

 

We do not drink when gatherings involve other people's children (whether their parents are present or not). It's just too dicey. We would certainly not drink while hosting another's child. With that said, I do believe there is a major difference between having a single glass of wine with dinner, or a single beverage of any sort, and partaking in an episode of "drinking". The latter seems to imply an entirely different purpose/atmosphere and seems to imply some level of impairment, if not drunkenness. This would never occur amongst any of our group, with or without children present. The general mindset amongst our group of Christians seems to be that having an alcoholic beverage from time to time is not sinful, drunkenness or addiction to alcohol would be. I have several alcoholic family members and I realize that this does not work well for everyone.

 

I would not be upset if another family had a single drink in the presence of my child, particularly if they were not driving. We just don't chose to go that route. I would be highly upset if there was an episode of "drinking".

 

You may want to consider just hosting all playdates at your home and avoiding a discussion, but to be honest, this can be problematic. Personally, this would put a damper on a friendship with my child (esp. 16 or younger) because I tend to feel uncomfortable with relationships that feel somehow "unequal". I don't allow my children to repeatedly spend time with another family without reciprocating, because it just feels rude and odd to me.

 

I would be happy to have a discussion about alcohol with another family and explain our position on it and hear any of their concerns (hopefully putting them at ease), but I would not be comfortable with temporarily removing alcohol from our home for the sake of another's comfort. Liquor is stored out of reach of young children, but is not in a locked cabinet. I would not ask my husband to remove a beer from our refrigerator or hide a bottle of wine, etc. We will have a drink with our children present and I feel that hiding alcohol or removing it would send my children a confusing and potentially dangerous message. I think hidden or closet drinking is a huge problem in our local area.

I don't want to put the idea into my older children's head that hiding alcohol is a good idea, ever.

 

Proper parental supervision, while not entirely foolproof, would be a deterrent to the children having alcohol while in our home. The risk is minute and I fully trust my children to behave responsibly, that means no alcohol under 21 period.

 

I have two older teens and two younger children. With the youngers (11 and 6) I still am in "protect" mode. I am their gatekeeper. With our older two it really needs to be a heart issue at this point. We want them to have safe, responsible, attitudes about issues like this. I cannot always be there to protect them and certainly can't force my views on such issues on them much longer. They need to learn to deal with temptations such as this, even to the point of encountering some peer pressure to engage in activities like drinking. They need to "own" their own faith and convictions at some point.  If they are placed into a drinking situation that is wrong or dangerous, I would expect that they'd remove themselves from it and I'd be happy to assist with that.

 

[elegantlion]

I have pretty strong feelings, probably not the same as yours, so I'm going to type this out and see if I can submit...

 

1. you're concerned about temptation, children being allowed to drink, or sneaking drinks. 

2. you'd prefer that adults in charge of children not drink during an event 

3. You don't want ds to be around the parents drinking, even if it's a beer during Sunday football

 

I get your concerns. Ds has alcoholism on both sides of his genetics. We've had very blunt, pointed conversations about alcohol, his genetics, and my desire that he just not try alcohol. However, I drink. I buy a bottle of wine about once a month. I am not against drinking, I am against alcoholism. Not everyone who drinks will have a problem with it. 

 

The question becomes can you dictate or ask what others do in the privacy of their own home. No, I don't think you can. For many people alcohol is part of their family culture, not excessive drinking, but drinking in general. It's legal. 

 

So, how do you approach this? Do you trust your son to tell you if he's offered alcohol? If the parents are sloppy drunk? That they won't be driving anywhere when drinking? 

 

How well do you know these parents? This is a tough call because if you're not comfortable with ds being around drinking at all, then you may need to avoid having him go over there during events when alcohol is present. However, it can also be one of those don't make alcohol enticing issues. 

As for having a child with these genetics tendencies I worry about the temptation part. I've opted to have alcohol around occasionally. I try to model restricted drinking, I can though. I don't make the alcohol an evil, if that makes sense. 

I might try to get to know the parents better and determine if they're being drunk around your child or simply having a beer. 

[Callie]

Ok, in a nutshell, how does the alcohol interact with the mito?  We're low tone in my family, so we've just assumed there were some mild mito issues going on.

I can't answer your question because I've never researched it.  But after my bil passed away it was suggested that all of his sibling be tested mito issues.

 

It was first thought that he had  a heart attack, but the autopsy showed  mitochondrial ???? I can't remember the next term.

 

 

[StephanieZ]

FWIW, we are responsible, occasional drinkers, but I have friends who are LDS and so, obviously, don't drink at all, so I am aware of the concern/issue. 

 

I think expecting a family who drinks/has a wine rack/liquor cabinet to be able or willing to hide/lock up their alcohol for visitors is intrusive and rude. I wouldn't do that. UNLESS you have a particular child whom you are concerned about. If a long term friend told me that their child had been having a drug/alcohol problem and would I mind locking up the drugs/alcohol in the house, I wouldn't hesitate to help them in that way, and I'd be glad for the warning. However, if a friend/acquaintance just asked me to hide/lock up the alcohol b/c of a general (baseless, IMHO) fear of having alcohol present in the house . . . then I'd say no politely.

 

Similarly, asking adults to not do legal things in their own homes . . . would only be acceptable IMHO for a specific, serious issue, such as a child recently out of rehab. Even adult alcoholics have to learn to function in typical drinking atmospheres if the wish to be able to attend weddings and other celebrations for most non-tea-totaling families.

 

FWIW, most children I know have been raised in homes with alcohol casually ever-present in cupboards/wine racks, not-counted, served regularly, etc. Most people I know have had small servings of wine and/or beer since young childhood at celebrations, etc. Most children I know live in homes where prescription drugs are not locked up or counted (except for during earl childhood). My entire life, in my circles, this was how homes were and how children are reared. I have known very few that had problems with drugs/alcohol. The three boys/children I know well who had drug and alcohol issues were raised in a tea-totaling home and got their drugs and alcohol outside the house. (Their family was chaotic and father was a nut; that is what drove the substance abuse, not availability)

[Okra]

 

I think you're going to need to say something directly to the parents.  I grew up in a household where moderate, responsible drinking was modeled.  My father would have a glass of wine with a good meal, for example. I would not take on that role of modeling for someone else's children, but I could see some parents who might if they assume another family takes the same point of view. If your family's expectation is NO drinking rather than moderate drinking, I think you need to say something.

 

I would have no problem putting up the alcohol for young visitors, but I wouldn't expect to without another parent saying something.  

 

I agree with this.  We are a family that models responsible moderate drinking.  We have family that own a vineyard in CA, and routinely receive bottles of wine from them.

 

If asked, I would have absolutely no problem making sure they were out of sight.  But, without someone telling me their concerns it is difficult to know what someone is thinking.  I think especially if this is a friend, just have a friendly chat and explain your concerns.

 

Okra

[gardenmom5]

I allowed my children to go to friends whose parents drank.

only one child had friends who ended up drinking and doing drugs in school.  they were dropped asap as friends.

 

it's more about the personality of the friends than if their parents drink or not. 

 

eta: my olders are all adults.  none of them drink, (or have ever even tried it).  we have very good relationships.

[zoobie]

No, you can't tell other people what to do in their home.

 

If my child has a dangerous health issue and might sneak alcohol, I wouldn't expect another family to be responsible for that.

 

The "friends" who push known, recovered alcoholics to drink are jerks. I wouldn't be friends with them.

 

We have a wine rack. It's pretty. And covered in dust! We also have hard liquor and fancy beer. My DH occasionally has a beer with dinner or while watching a ball game. Neither of us has family issues with alcohol. We would heck no never ever give alcohol to anyone else's child because we are both aware of the dangers and liabilities. We're both boring rule followers. No traffic tickets (knock wood)... So boring!

 

My oldest went to play at a friend's house. When I picked her up, the girls were outside playing in the backyard with neighbors and the moms were on the deck, drinking a box of wine. I had been gone an hour, so they had to have been pounding it! They were totally blitzed and joking about how were they going to be able to make dinner. I was so shocked. DD never went back there! They didn't even have a wine rack to warn me, lol.

 

You will create a very narrow sphere if you refuse to associate with anyone who professes not to drink or own alcohol. Many moral, upstanding people responsibly consume alcohol. It's only barred in a few religions. The problem is that some of the loudest abolitionists can be the worst abusers. My dad goes to a Southern Baptist church. He taught Sunday School, the Boy Scout like thing I always forget the name of, etc. A church member "caught" him leaving the liquor store with a bag. My dad was buying a gift for our neighbor's 50th birthday, but he does occasionally have a drink. This guy went to church leadership, demanded he be removed from any children's programs, trash talked my dad to anyone who would listen. Guess whose family, with only the clothes on their back, showed up at the preacher's house after Daddy got drunk, beat Mom and tried to burn the house down? Turns out he did this on a regular basis minus the arson.

 

Anyway, I'd leave my kids 100x over at the house with the nice wine rack stocked with expensive bottles over the railing teetotaler who may have a garage stash of grain alcohol or cases of Natty Light.

[beaners]

I can't answer your question because I've never researched it.  But after my bil passed away it was suggested that all of his sibling be tested mito issues.

 

It was first thought that he had  a heart attack, but the autopsy showed  mitochondrial ???? I can't remember the next term.

 

Myocardial infarction is a heart attack.  Any chance that's what it was?

[Callie]

Myocardial infarction is a heart attack.  Any chance that's what it was?

No it was not a heart attack.

[kroe1]

Well, I would not fault you from keeping your kiddo out of that house.

[unfrumpable.]

My brother, sister, and I grew up in a home with a functioning alcoholic father who never stopped drinking. We can all drink responsibly and do not avoid or shun alcohol or others who do drink responsibly. Since we have a couple of alcoholic uncles as well, I'd say there's something genetic there as well.

 

I just don't get being concerned about some having a beer or two or even three, four, or five or more while they're watching football in their own home. Some people have much higher tolerance than others. I don't understand trying to make alcohol out to be evil and something to 100% avoid at all costs.

 

A lot of our family get togethers growing up had excessive drinking. As long as these people aren't driving anywhere, I don't see the problem. If anything, I would think letting your children see how stupid people look and act when they've had way too much to drink would be a boon to your cause.

 

I would have actually been insulted if one of my friends growing up was not allowed at my house because my dad was drinking beer while watching TV in the afternoon. He wasn't violent, he wasn't sloppy. He wasn't driving us anywhere.

 

I'm not sitting here rooting for alcoholism because that obviously negatively affects the person who has it as well as all of those around him. I think my mom bore the brunt of that, but it affected us all. However, we were not without grace. I don't know why my dad was never able to overcome his addiction. I would imagine it is something very hard to overcome. I have my own faults I would like to overcome that are very hard and I fail at on a regular basis.

[Spy Car]

The OP's signature suggests the boy in question is 10.

 

Bill

[PeterPan]

Anyway, I'd leave my kids 100x over at the house with the nice wine rack stocked with expensive bottles over the railing teetotaler who may have a garage stash of grain alcohol or cases of Natty Light.

 

 

 

Similarly, asking adults to not do legal things in their own homes . . . would only be acceptable IMHO for a specific, serious issue, such as a child recently out of rehab. Even adult alcoholics have to learn to function in typical drinking atmospheres if the wish to be able to attend weddings and other celebrations for most non-tea-totaling families.

 

FWIW, most children I know have been raised in homes with alcohol casually ever-present in cupboards/wine racks, not-counted, served regularly, etc. Most people I know have had small servings of wine and/or beer since young childhood at celebrations, etc. Most children I know live in homes where prescription drugs are not locked up or counted (except for during earl childhood). My entire life, in my circles, this was how homes were and how children are reared. I have known very few that had problems with drugs/alcohol. The three boys/children I know well who had drug and alcohol issues were raised in a tea-totaling home and got their drugs and alcohol outside the house. (Their family was chaotic and father was a nut; that is what drove the substance abuse, not availability)

You know, the more I thought about this, the more I realized that *to me* the offense and concern is that they were drinking around my kids and having a party with drinking without mentioning it first.  If my kid went into their home and there was a wine rack, no biggee, wouldn't be offended, just step up the conversations about proper alcohol use.  But to put my kid in a situation where people are drinking and not tell me ahead of time, I wouldn't send them back in the home, sorry.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I don't drink - not because I have a philosophical opposition to moderate use of alcohol, but because it isn't a healthy choice for me.  Due to the fact that there have been several alcoholics (functional and non-functional) in my family and that I have a history of depression, I made a choice not to drink.  My husband has an occasional beer or glass of wine.  I have talked with my kids about the apparent genetic predisposition to addiction that seems to be present in my family.  That said, I don't forbid my kids going places where adults may be drinking.  That means I would never have been able to let my kids see their grandparents or ever have contact with my family.  Also, it means that we would never be able to attend most mixed-age gatherings and picnics.  We usually planned visits to my family in a way that we would leave early, before the drinking got out of hand.  My kids have on occasion seen family members act like idiots when drinking, so they get how stupid it can make people.  I believe that this has acted as a deterrent rather than piqued their interest in drinking. My kids tend to be rule-followers and would be wary of friends who engaged in risky behaviors or even those who would try peer pressure to get them to do something that made them uncomfortable.   That said, if I knew that a family did not respect my wishes or the legal drinking age in making serving decisions, my kids would not be allowed there. 

 

I don't think that sheltering kids to this extent is healthy or productive. 

[PeterPan]

 Also, it means that we would never be able to attend most mixed-age gatherings and picnics. 

...

I don't think that sheltering kids to this extent is healthy or productive. 

There's a lot you'll allow if you're *with* them, able to talk about it and supervise, that you probably wouldn't feel comfortable with if someone just hauled your kid off without you to a bunch of strangers where the booze would flowing.  Wouldn't be the same situation.

 

If I had been of a "no exposure" viewpoint, I would have walked out of the party we were at.  It was a social obligation party, and I weighed a lot of things.  Like you, I decided that family situations with parent supervision for instruction and debriefing were making the best of it.  Not the same though as total strangers with kid alone.

[gardenmom5]

 

 

It was first thought that he had  a heart attack, but the autopsy showed  mitochondrial ???? I can't remember the next term.

mitochrondrial is part of the cell (and mitochondrial dna is only passed on by mothers)

 

The thing that sticks out to me is the anecdote about your sister being introduced, so to speak, to alcohol at a friend's house.

 

 

my brother was introduced to pot at a CHURCH.

eta: it's not the place that's safe, it's the people who are there.

[Danestress]

You know, the more I thought about this, the more I realized that *to me* the offense and concern is that they were drinking around my kids and having a party with drinking without mentioning it first.  If my kid went into their home and there was a wine rack, no biggee, wouldn't be offended, just step up the conversations about proper alcohol use.  But to put my kid in a situation where people are drinking and not tell me ahead of time, I wouldn't send them back in the home, sorry.

 

 

I hear what you are saying.  Honestly, it would never occur to me to tell a parent ahead of time that my DH and I might drink or that someone else in our home might drink or that alcohol is around.  I grew up with moderate drinking as a very normal, natural part of life.  It wasn't a big deal.  Of course I have known problem drinkers, and as I get older, I am more aware of all the really bad things that can come of drinking.  I do talk to my children about that. 

 

But honestly, in our household, it's part of eating good food, relaxing, and socializing.  I wouldn't think to say, "Hey, just so you know, I might have a glass of wine with dinner" any more than I would say, "just so you know, sometimes I use Crisco in my cookies" or "sometimes when I spill things, I say "damn it.'" In my head I know there are some people who object to Crisco, alcohol use or mild bad language.  But in reality, I don't know anyone who would be upset about those things and wouldn't think to announce them up front.

 

But I guess this is one reason it's probably better to know people well before your kids spend time at their house.  I want to know (not that I have a fool proof way of knowing for sure) if they have an aggressive dog, guns available, pornography, violent video games, or bigoted beliefs.  All these things seem more dangerous *to me* than someone having a glass of wine, but I guess unless people get to know each other and talk, they don't really know what things seem most important to others, whether as hosts or as guests. 

[mom31257]

Thanks for all the responses. It definitely will give me some things to think about. My whole take on it is that if you never start drinking, you never have to stop. I've lived my entire life without drinking and don't feel I've been denied anything because of that choice. To me, I don't see how there is any benefit or need to drink alcohol. Drinking can, however, be a cause of many, many problems. 

 

I did not know there would be drinking at this party because the party was intended to be for children. I assume that the drinking started after the other children left, but ds stayed due to our not being able to pick him up. This child invites ds over a lot, but often we have other things going on that would make it difficult to pick him up later. They live 25-30 minutes from our home.  

 

I do feel comfortable talking with this mom about it, but I wanted to hear how others felt first. 

 

Why is asking a parent not to drink when your child is in their home rude? When these two get together, they play for 3 hours or so. If a parent can't go 3 hours without a drink out of respect for my wishes, I think they have a drinking problem and I don't want my child there to start with.  

 

These are homeschooling parents who know that every family has their own ideas of what's acceptable and what's not. Is it any different than not wanting your child to watch certain movies or play certain video games at another person's house? 

[Sarah CB]

I hear what you are saying.  Honestly, it would never occur to me to tell a parent ahead of time that my DH and I might drink or that someone else in our home might drink or that alcohol is around.  I grew up with moderate drinking as a very normal, natural part of life.  It wasn't a big deal.  Of course I have known problem drinkers, and as I get older, I am more aware of all the really bad things that can come of drinking.  I do talk to my children about that. 

 

But honestly, in our household, it's part of eating good food, relaxing, and socializing.  I wouldn't think to say, "Hey, just so you know, I might have a glass of wine with dinner" any more than I would say, "just so you know, sometimes I use Crisco in my cookies" or "sometimes when I spill things, I say "damn it.'" In my head I know there are some people who object to Crisco, alcohol use or mild bad language.  But in reality, I don't know anyone who would be upset about those things and wouldn't think to announce them up front.

 

But I guess this is one reason it's probably better to know people well before your kids spend time at their house.  I want to know (not that I have a fool proof way of knowing for sure) if they have an aggressive dog, guns available, pornography, violent video games, or bigoted beliefs.  All these things seem more dangerous *to me* than someone having a glass of wine, but I guess unless people get to know each other and talk, they don't really know what things seem most important to others, whether as hosts or as guests. 

 

I totally agree.  I see this as very reasonable.  If I were an anti-drinker, I would think that exposing the kids to responsible alcohol use would be very important.  I wouldn't want my kids to grow up thinking that everyone who had a beer or a glass of wine was a drunk or had a problem.  I'd worry that I was raising legalistic kids who were prone to judgement.

[StephanieZ]

You know, the more I thought about this, the more I realized that *to me* the offense and concern is that they were drinking around my kids and having a party with drinking without mentioning it first. If my kid went into their home and there was a wine rack, no biggee, wouldn't be offended, just step up the conversations about proper alcohol use. But to put my kid in a situation where people are drinking and not tell me ahead of time, I wouldn't send them back in the home, sorry.

Well, that is entirely ok for you to choose where your kids go! I think the error is in your assumption at the hosts should warn you that they or their guests will be engaging in a legal and socially acceptable behavior such as recreational drinking of alcohol. You should assume they will do that unless you specifically clarify otherwise ahead of time. The duty is on you, not them.

 

My advice is to ask your hosts ahead of time if alcohol is a concern of yours. Then make your choices accordingly. But, it isn't socially acceptable for you to ask your hosts or your child's host to change their behavior, IMHO.

 

Fwiw, unless the location prohibited it or there was a safety issue involved, I have almost never been to an afternoon or evening social gathering of adults that did not include alcohol unless the hosts themselves were tea totalers. If you are socializing with people who drink socially, they won't think to warn you about it, as it is assumed that any evening event or big social party would include alcohol, and any meal may well include alcohol.

 

Likewise, if your kids are having a meal with people who drink socially, you can expect that the adults may well be drinking alcohol. At my house, dh or I might have wine or beer once or twice a week with dinner, and at any and every party we host, and we do that whether or not our guests include lds adults or children. . .

 

I am sure our lds friends know this, and they have never said a word about it. Similarly, I know that when my kids are at their home, then my kids will hear prayers that are inconsistent with our religion, as well as some radical political and social policy statements that we also vehemently disagree with. My kids have been taught to be polite, coached on how to maintain their own integrity while not being obnoxious, and I never say a word of complaint or query to my friends.

 

We all live and let live, and we all show respect for each other in all venues, but particularly in each other's homes.

 

I guess that is why we are still friends.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Thanks for all the responses. It definitely will give me some things to think about. My whole take on it is that if you never start drinking, you never have to stop. I've lived my entire life without drinking and don't feel I've been denied anything because of that choice. To me, I don't see how there is any benefit or need to drink alcohol. Drinking can, however, be a cause of many, many problems. 

 

I did not know there would be drinking at this party because the party was intended to be for children. I assume that the drinking started after the other children left, but ds stayed due to our not being able to pick him up. This child invites ds over a lot, but often we have other things going on that would make it difficult to pick him up later. They live 25-30 minutes from our home.  

 

I do feel comfortable talking with this mom about it, but I wanted to hear how others felt first. 

 

Why is asking a parent not to drink when your child is in their home rude? When these two get together, they play for 3 hours or so. If a parent can't go 3 hours without a drink out of respect for my wishes, I think they have a drinking problem and I don't want my child there to start with.  

 

These are homeschooling parents who know that every family has their own ideas of what's acceptable and what's not. Is it any different than not wanting your child to watch certain movies or play certain video games at another person's house? 

 

I would not leave my child in a home that has alcohol, television, or video games if I felt as strongly as you about such things.  

 

I have to wonder if you are worried that if your child sees responsible drinking, he or she may try alcohol.

[elegantlion]

 

Why is asking a parent not to drink when your child is in their home rude? When these two get together, they play for 3 hours or so. If a parent can't go 3 hours without a drink out of respect for my wishes, I think they have a drinking problem and I don't want my child there to start with.  

 

 

 

Athough I get what you are saying, I think it's rude because 1. the kids are playing together, presumably they are not closely interacting with the parents. 2. Those 3 hours could be my down time too. For those of us that engage in moderate drinking, one drink is relaxing. 3. Again, because presumably the kids are playing, not just hanging out with the adults, I don't like being told what is acceptable behavior in my own home. If I want to watch an R movie or a TV show that isn't acceptable to the other children's family, I may do it while your child is there, not in front of your child. 4. At 10 I would assume your child is fairly self-sufficient. Unless they're staying for dinner, my child would have free reign to get snacks or whatever you need. 

 

Exceptions to this, and you could approach it like this 1. If I'm the only driving adult present, I would not drink. I would have no problem abstaining as the solo adult present. You can state that in case of emergency you're not comfortable with your child getting into a car with a parent who has been drinking. That's understandable. 

 

If you're truly uncomfortable, I'd make sure to invite the child to play at your house. 

[Ipsey]

your children to go to the homes of friends whose parents do drink?  I've let our ds go home with a friend from church a few times, and he was invited to the same friend's house for a birthday party. It was during the time our family does a cleaning job, and we weren't going to be done when the party was over. The mom said ds was welcome to stay there until we could come get him. When I got there the party was over and only some family members were still there. Some of the adults were drinking. 

 

We don't drink, and I'm concerned about him going to a house that has alcohol. I looked around and noticed that they have a wine rack in the kitchen. That means it isn't locked up. While I don't think ds is interested in trying it now, he might be in the future. 

 

I have a sister who was an alcoholic for 19 years. She has talked with me extensively about this, and she was introduced to drinking at a friend's home just like this. It wasn't locked up, and the kids would sneak and get it. 

 

We are trying to encourage our children to never drink because my dh's grandfather was an alcoholic, too. I will say that both of these people were able to quit and never drink again once they gave their lives to Christ. I'm concerned there might be genetic tendencies toward alcoholism. They are the only two people on either side that ever drank alcohol because we are both from very conservative, Christian families who taught against it.  I'm concerned that going to this house will make it seem more acceptable in ds's mind and there will be the chance he'll give in to peer pressure some day to try it. 

 

Any advice? Should I just speak with the mom about my feelings and ask that they not drink when ds is there and put it away? Should I not allow ds to go there? I don't want to hurt the friendship or make them feel we're judging them. I don't feel drinking is a 'sin', but it is something we choose not to do to be separate from the world. 

 

FWIW

 

You son should know that there is such a thing as alcohol, that many, many people drink alcohol and have done so for as long as humans have been able to ferment anything.  The Puritans drank rum like mad. The use of alcohol is a element of religious worship in some religions and is prohibited by others.

 

I would make sure that my children know that good people sometimes drink alcohol. There are also good people who do not use alcohol. There are people who abuse alcohol. Your family chooses to abstain from alcohol.

 

Now, your actions beyond that . . . that's up to you, but at least let your child be educated about alcohol use--not just that it's wicked, but what they're likely to see in the "real world."

 

(I don't drink, but my husband has an occasional glass of wine or beer. I fully expect there will be sociable drinking at Thanksgiving where we meet with extended family. There will be beer, wine, whisky--Irish Catholic family, :)-- and probably a number of other things. Of the 30-or-so of us that will be there, none will become drunk.)