S/O of ground rules thread - What do you want your daughters requirements to be?

[Caribbean Queen]

What requirements do you wish your daughters would have in a husband?  It doesn't matter if your daughter is a baby, or you don't even have any daughters yet. 

 

Let's not bother listing things we can safely assume we all want, like, "Not abusive.  Loving and kind."  It goes without saying that you don't want your daughters to seek out an abusive, mean, and hateful men.

[Jen in NY]

I have one big one: Mutual respect. The deep down and true kind. Beyond that.... it's her (x2) life.

 

(In my dreams, they would each find a guy like their dad.) :)

[Caribbean Queen]

It goes without saying that we all want would-be son-in-laws to respect their daughters. 

 

I want my daughter to seek out a man who wants a housewife, or at least is okay with it.

 

The men should be Christians.  Not the nominal, everyday kind who act exactly like secular humanists, except they go to church meetings every once in a while.

 

I want the men to want more than two children, and to be favourable to the idea of homeschooling.

 

See, I don't want the typical guy who is a nominal Christian and/or humanist, wants a 2.1 kids, and a two income family.

 

I want the men to be reasonably young, good looking, and healthy.  Call me shallow if you want, but I don't want them bringing home morbidly obese, old or sickly men when they are in they are in the primes of their lives.  I know it is unlikely they would be attracted to such men, but I list it anyway because I know some people would say looks don't matter to them.

 

[Jen in NY]

The men should be Christians.  Not the nominal, everyday kind who act exactly like secular humanists, except they go to church meetings every once in a while.

 

See, I don't want the typical guy who is a nominal Christian and/or humanist, wants a 2.1 kids, and a two income family.

Well, that leaves my son out, then. He's just an 'everyday secular humanist', and he definitely doesn't go to church meetings --- even once in a while.

 

But I guarantee he would respect your daughter's right to find a husband just right for her. :)

[Santi]

Feminist, not conservative, intelligent. But I'd support any of her relationships as long as I felt she was safe.

[StephanieZ]

I am trying (very hard) to avoid putting my preferences/values onto my kids, but there are a few core things that I very much want for my kids in spouses:

 

+ mutual respect

+ not committed to a cult or cultish religion

+ highly values their children being raised solely by parents (either one parent at home full time or both parents working PT)

+ educated and intellectually interesting

 

I have lots of other preferences, but those 4 are at the top of my list

[Crimson Wife]

Intelligent, hopefully educated (but I'd prefer someone who is an auto-didact to someone with a degree yet no intellectual curiosity), hard-working, supportive of her choices about career & family, loves kids and hopefully wants 3 or more, hopefully Catholic, and I'd love it if he had red hair in his family so that one of their kids has red hair (each of my girls has a 2/3 chance of being a carrier).

 

For younger DD especially I'd want him to have no autistic traits or close relatives with ASD. Scientists don't have a good understanding of ASD but there does seem to be a genetic link.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

Well if there is a checklist to be had, mine would at least start:

Educated
Introspective
Respectful
Performing arts background
Not tied down to gender roles
Ready to HS
When dating DD, must be able to negotiate the razor wire and moat around my house.

 

Edit -- I should add

 

Not tied to the monied culture on the NYC metro area, which means he's not allowed to pair loafers with a button down shirt tucked into belted khaki shorts and call it casual.

[FriedClams]

It goes without saying that we all want would-be son-in-laws to respect their daughters.

 

I want my daughter to seek out a man who wants a housewife, or at least is okay with it.

 

The men should be Christians. Not the nominal, everyday kind who act exactly like secular humanists, except they go to church meetings every once in a while.

 

I want the men to want more than two children, and to be favourable to the idea of homeschooling.

 

See, I don't want the typical guy who is a nominal Christian and/or humanist, wants a 2.1 kids, and a two income family.

 

 

These are on my hope list for my DD also. I want him to be sold out completely to God and walk with Him - not be a cultural Christian or unbeliever.

 

Loyal. Loyal. Loyal.

 

A great sense of humor.

 

Agree on money, religion, raising kids, and in law stuff beforehand. Yes, things hange as marriage progresses, but a baseline helps a ton.

[TracyP]

Beyond the "obvious" ones that were listed, I would want them to be her requirements. But I'll play:

 

respectful - I don't think this one is a given, definitions vary IME

intelligent

open-minded

health conscious

 

 

 

[Carrie12345]

I want them to be people my dds are happy to be with.

 

Who am I to determine what will make them happy?

[gardenmom5]

my girls are adults.

things I assume - espousing our same religious beliefs and values, hardworking, educated -competent, likes the outdoors,

2dd has a couple more, as interested in education as she (she's working on a doctorate), and must be at least 6' so he's taller than her.  she's 5'11".) and likes to hike/run. 

1dd's attitude towards boys in high school was "I'll talk to you if you can hold an intelligent conversation."  there weren't many teachers that could keep up with her then. 

[kewb]

Besides the obvious of respect, not tied to gender roles, supportive of homeschooling, not a drug user or an abuser, I have taught my dd that the man she marries should have the 3G's.

 

Good Credit

Good Job

Good Car (and by good car I don't mean a luxury vehicle.  I mean he takes care of it, keeps it clean and well maintained.)

[Mergath]

It goes without saying that we all want would-be son-in-laws to respect their daughters. 

 

I want my daughter to seek out a man who wants a housewife, or at least is okay with it.

 

The men should be Christians.  Not the nominal, everyday kind who act exactly like secular humanists, except they go to church meetings every once in a while.

 

I want the men to want more than two children, and to be favourable to the idea of homeschooling.

 

See, I don't want the typical guy who is a nominal Christian and/or humanist, wants a 2.1 kids, and a two income family.

 

I want the men to be reasonably young, good looking, and healthy.  Call me shallow if you want, but I don't want them bringing home morbidly obese, old or sickly men when they are in they are in the primes of their lives.  I know it is unlikely they would be attracted to such men, but I list it anyway because I know some people would say looks don't matter to them.

 

Wow.  Your requirements would omit a heck of a lot of great guys.  I hope your daughters are a little more open minded.

[Renee in NC]

I would tell her to find:

 

Someone of the same intellectual level.  The level of formal education is not important, but the desire and ability for self-education is.

 

Someone with hobbies and interests, even if they aren't all shared.  It would be better to have some in common, especially if there is a particular one that takes up a significant amount of time/effort.  They should be hobbies/interests that she can live with, too.

 

Someone who is able/willing to set goals and attain them.

 

Someone with a fulfilling career. It doesn't matter if it is high-paying, assuming that she intends to work, too.  If it isn't high paying, then he should also be comfortable with her making more money than him.

 

Someone who looks for solutions to problems rather than just complaining about them.

[livetoread]

My wishes would be intellectually curious, values extended family, good with money (not careless, greedy, or too controlling with it), flexible with gender roles, and very supportive of her. I would prefer non-religious, but if he has to be religious, I hope it's mostly secular humanist covered with a nice veneer of "what God really wants is for everyone to love each other and respect human rights" sort of thing.

 

Basically, I hope she can find someone just like her Daddy! But ultimately she will decide and as long as he's good to her, I'll love him as my own.

 

(I say "he" because my daughter seems to be straight. If she wasn't, then I would hope the same things about her wife.)

[NotSoObvious]

It goes without saying that we all want would-be son-in-laws to respect their daughters. 

 

I want my daughter to seek out a man who wants a housewife, or at least is okay with it.

 

The men should be Christians.  Not the nominal, everyday kind who act exactly like secular humanists, except they go to church meetings every once in a while.

 

I want the men to want more than two children, and to be favourable to the idea of homeschooling.

 

See, I don't want the typical guy who is a nominal Christian and/or humanist, wants a 2.1 kids, and a two income family.

 

I want the men to be reasonably young, good looking, and healthy.  Call me shallow if you want, but I don't want them bringing home morbidly obese, old or sickly men when they are in they are in the primes of their lives.  I know it is unlikely they would be attracted to such men, but I list it anyway because I know some people would say looks don't matter to them.

 

I totally respect your right as a mom to want the ideal situation for your kids.

 

I do wonder if you are open to the idea that your daughters may not want to be a housewife or have more than two kids (if any). 

 

I wanted such different things for myself as a young adult and some of my preferences have changed, but a lot of it has also been beyond my control. Realizing that I wasn't in control of everything was so difficult for me. I sometimes wish that young teens, especially girls, would understand that they can't "create" the perfect life. Sometimes the perfect life means being happy and making the most out of what you are given. 

 

Please don't think I'm attacking you, I'm just sharing some feelings and reflections. It's ok if you feel it doesn't apply.

[Joanne]

It goes without saying that we all want would-be son-in-laws to respect their daughters. 

 

I want my daughter to seek out a man who wants a housewife, or at least is okay with it.

 

The men should be Christians.  Not the nominal, everyday kind who act exactly like secular humanists, except they go to church meetings every once in a while.

 

I want the men to want more than two children, and to be favourable to the idea of homeschooling.

 

See, I don't want the typical guy who is a nominal Christian and/or humanist, wants a 2.1 kids, and a two income family.

 

I want the men to be reasonably young, good looking, and healthy.  Call me shallow if you want, but I don't want them bringing home morbidly obese, old or sickly men when they are in they are in the primes of their lives.  I know it is unlikely they would be attracted to such men, but I list it anyway because I know some people would say looks don't matter to them.

 

 

:crying:  :glare:

 

Um. Well, since I try not to embrace hetero-assumption, I'll use the term *partner* although I do think my dd is heterosexual.

 

I suppose it's accurate to say I've raised my children to *avoid* the selection of people who would fit the above bullet list.

 

A secular humanist is FINE for me. The respect for humanity inherent in secular humanism is worthy of celebration and respect.

 

I want equality in partnerships for all people. I don't have scripted roles of nurture, care, homemaking or income providing.

 

I would my kids to avoid extremes on political, spiritual, or health continuums. I find the same amount of dysfunction and unhealth on either extreme - just the content changes.

[NicAnn]

I hope my daughter finds a man like her dad, honestly. Someone who doesn't hold a claret as the most important thing, but is a hard worker. Being a hard worker is important to me...whatever he may be. Even if the man is a stay at home dad, I hope he excels at it.

 

Someone who is strong in his faith. I agree, OP, with him being one who follows God all day, not just Sundays.

 

I hope DD follows our parenting and political philosophy when she's older, so I'd want her husband to as well.

 

Someone respectful-opens doors, pays for dinner, cares for her and their families.

[Caribbean Queen]

Someone respectful-opens doors, pays for dinner, cares for her and their families.

Oh, I was not imagining people meant that by, "respectful." 

 

 

respectful - I don't think this one is a given, definitions vary IME

 

 Perhaps we should include examples, or a definition of the kind of respectfulness we want.  When I think of respectful, I think along the lines of not abusive, so that is a quality that doesn't need to be said, since we all want that for our daughters.

[Caribbean Queen]

Wow.  Your requirements would omit a heck of a lot of great guys.  I hope your daughters are a little more open minded.

Well my daughter needs a man that matches her.  If she is a Christian who wants to stay home with her many kids, and he is an agnostic who wants two incomes and no kids - that would be a problem. 

 

 

I do wonder if you are open to the idea that your daughters may not want to be a housewife or have more than two kids (if any). 

 

I'll tell you the truth.  I'm not open to it. 

I would be disappointed if they choose not to have children, or put their babies in day care. 

I could live with them only having two children, and working when their children are in school.  That means their children would be at least 3 years old, and my daughters would work during school hours (8:30 and 2:30).  I wouldn't think it is ideal, but I could accept it.  Yes, I am aware my children may grow up and not do what I want.  This thread isn't about what we could accept, if we had to.  It's about what we wish our daughters would require.  I dare to dream!

[Santi]

Um. Well, since I try not to embrace hetero-assumption, I'll use the term *partner* although I do think my dd is heterosexual.

 

 

Haha, I considered saying something like that but thought it might be a bit too much for some people on here.

[Joanne]

Well my daughter needs a man that matches her.  If she is a Christian who wants to stay home with her many kids, and he is an agnostic who wants two incomes and no kids - that would be a problem. 

 

I'll tell you the truth.  I'm not open to it. 

I would be disappointed if they choose not to have children, or put their babies in day care. 

I could live with them only having two children, and working when their children are in school.  That means their children would be at least 3 years old, and my daughters would work during school hours (8:30 and 2:30).  I wouldn't think it is ideal, but I could accept it.  Yes, I am aware my children may grow up and not do what I want.  This thread isn't about what we could accept, if we had to.  It's about what we wish our daughters would require.  I dare to dream!

 

 

My own range for a quality, happy life for anyone is far more broad. As I've gotten older, I've seen that happy, healthy, vibrant families can emerge from a wide range of contexts. When my kids were your kids' ages, my life actually matched your above description. It was not a match for me.

 

I don't think that "housewifing" and "daycare" have inherent values that you can generalize in any accurate way in terms of negative/positive.

[unsinkable]

Haha, I considered saying something like that but thought it might be a bit too much for some people on here.

You've learned much about "some people on here" in a short time.

[Element]

I want my daughter's future partner/s (hey, we live a long time; my great-grandpa remarried in his 80s and was married for 20 years to my step-great-grandma) to be respectful, witty, flexible, dependable, sensible, have the ability to financially support her 100% if that need should arise, and full of passion for her. I know dh would prefer she choose a non-religious partner, but matters of faith are really none of our business.

[Caribbean Queen]

I don't think that "housewifing" and "daycare" have inherent values that you can generalize in any accurate way in terms of negative/positive.

 

 

:crying:  :glare:

 

Um. Well, since I try not to embrace hetero-assumption, I'll use the term *partner*

Okay.  And just so you know, I welcome differing views.  This isn't one of those threads where the OP is only looking for Christian input.

 

Also, interesting how many people listed educated or some similar word.  That isn't something on my list at all.

[Santi]

You've learned much about "some people on here" in a short time.

..Yep?

 

Also, interesting how many people listed educated or some similar word.  That isn't something on my list at all.

Hm, that's definitely one of the two important ones for me besides feminist. I didn't mean like genius level, but I'd hope she would pick someone she could have intelligent conversations with. And, if she had kids I'd definitely want them to be raised by someone smart.

[TracyP]

 

 

 Perhaps we should include examples, or a definition of the kind of respectfulness we want.  When I think of respectful, I think along the lines of not abusive, so that is a quality that doesn't need to be said, since we all want that for our daughters.

 

When I say respectful, I mean somebody who sees their partner as their equal.

[Joanne]

Okay.  And just so you know, I welcome differing views.  This isn't one of those threads where the OP is only looking for Christian input.

 

Also, interesting how many people listed educated or some similar word.  That isn't something on my list at all.

 

I'd want my daughter (since that is what you asked about) to be skilled and/or educated themselves and to partner with someone at a similar level.

 

I'm not fond of the college as a baseline for everyone model - I think that skilled, trained, and vocational roles are needed and that the apprenticship model should be resurrected.

 

I think ALL young adults should be able to secure work above minimum wage and sustain at least themselves on the income.

[unsinkable]

Yet another thread derailed by a pile-on...

[AimeeM]

Hopefully, she'll have her own thoughts on this. She is already forming them, I think.

 

Apparently, there's a bit of a rift going on at school between two boys, about dd. When dd heard this, according to her art teacher, she went on a rampage "who does he think he is?! He doesn't OWN me! Nobody OWNS me! Boys fighting like they OWN me... *grumble*".

 

I'm cool with that, lol.

 

Beyond that, I'm not a fan of "ground rules". I'm really not. I can only hope that her father and I model a healthy enough relationship that she assumes this is how it should be, and doesn't settle for less.

[NicAnn]

Educated isn't important to me. But some one who seeks knowledge is. I suspect it will be to dd as well.

[marbel]

What I would like for my daughter is a person who shares her moral, ethical, and spiritual/religious values.   Someone who is well-educated (which doesn't necessarily have anything to do with any degrees but who wants to learn), employed/employable, is willing to be sole financial support for his family if it works out that they have children and they would like her to stay home with them.  Someone who would be committed to her and her alone, who will love her with a self-sacrificial love.

 

 

[AimeeM]

Hopefully, she'll have her own thoughts on this. She is already forming them, I think.

 

Apparently, there's a bit of a rift going on at school between two boys, about dd. When dd heard this, according to her art teacher, she went on a rampage "who does he think he is?! He doesn't OWN me! Nobody OWNS me! Boys fighting like they OWN me... *grumble*".

 

I'm cool with that, lol.

 

Beyond that, I'm not a fan of "ground rules". I'm really not. I can only hope that her father and I model a healthy enough relationship that she assumes this is how it should be, and doesn't settle for less.

 

ETA: I'll add that we are very conservative. Contrary to dd's upbringing, she is fairly liberal (although she does retain certain conservative traits and beliefs, specifically towards things like abortion). For my own sanity, I pray that the young man she brings home isn't completely anti-conservative; I'd enjoy my husband not glaring at him over Christmas dinner. Doesn't have to be hard core conservative himself... just... maybe... I don't know... not our POLAR opposite. Please. I'm imagining the damage in my husband's eyes to hear that his dd's future husband hates Bill O'Reilly... and it's pitiful.

[Jen in NY]

Yet another thread derailed by a pile-on...

Huh? Where's the pile?

 

It's interesting to me that lots of people in this thread have pretty young children --- even under 10. I would be really curious to see how their answer/thoughts about their kids' future spouses change as their kids age.

 

For me, I know I had a lot of ideas about how things were and were not going to be for my kids.... and then they got older. :oP

 

My hopes and dreams for them are much different now than they were 8 or 10 years ago. I know I'll probably say the same thing in another few years.

 

Interesting thought experiment.....

[LibraryLover]

Nuanced sense of humor.

 

Plays an instrument and likes to sing around the piano.

 

 

[Guest inoubliable]

It goes without saying that we all want would-be son-in-laws to respect their daughters. 

 

I want my daughter to seek out a man who wants a housewife, or at least is okay with it.

 

The men should be Christians.  Not the nominal, everyday kind who act exactly like secular humanists, except they go to church meetings every once in a while.

 

I want the men to want more than two children, and to be favourable to the idea of homeschooling.

 

See, I don't want the typical guy who is a nominal Christian and/or humanist, wants a 2.1 kids, and a two income family.

 

I want the men to be reasonably young, good looking, and healthy.  Call me shallow if you want, but I don't want them bringing home morbidly obese, old or sickly men when they are in they are in the primes of their lives.  I know it is unlikely they would be attracted to such men, but I list it anyway because I know some people would say looks don't matter to them.

 

Well bless your heart.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

(I say "he" because my daughter seems to be straight. If she wasn't, then I would hope the same things about her wife.)

 

You know, I overlooked that in my post, despite thinking the same thing many times. Excellent point and I agree 100%!

[Lisa in SC]

I really don't have a list. If I think about it, there would be some things I would hope my daughters will find in a partner. Two things I don't think have been mentioned are:

 

* Not struggling with addiction(s). One of my children tends toward addiction, and she struggles to avoid temptation. I would hope that she wouldn't choose a partner who might, however inadvertently, tip her into a life involving that.

 

* An encourager. I hope that my daughter find partners who encourage them in whatever endeavors they decide to try. My dh is an encourager of the highest degree. I love learning new things, and am always dabbling in this, that, or the other. He never sighs, or gives any indication that my newest endeavor is irritating to him. I mean, maybe they never are irritating. Perhaps he really does believe that I can do absolutely anything. Lol. Regardless, this is something I really value in dh, and I hope my daughters find someone who will do the same for them

[SJ.]

I don't have girls, but for my boys I want them to be happy.  How they define happiness with a partner is for them to decide, not me.  Relationships with your inlaws can be difficult and I can't see how having a mental list of qualities you want in your child's chosen partner in life will make that relationship any easier.  

[*Lulu*]

I want the same for all my children, to find a partner who complements them (and vice versa). I hope that they learn valuable lessons from the lives of their family and allow that knowledge to temper their attraction when making choices:

 

Addiction sucks and can destroy relationships

 

Even if you limit contact, you marry the family and most likely will have to deal with them in some capacity

 

Issues of character/ethics rarely just disappear

 

Mushy, gushy Hollywood-style love only lasts forever on film- there needs to be something more

 

You don't marry someone to change them

[zoobie]

Well my daughter needs a man that matches her. If she is a Christian who wants to stay home with her many kids, and he is an agnostic who wants two incomes and no kids - that would be a problem.

 

I'll tell you the truth. I'm not open to it.

I would be disappointed if they choose not to have children, or put their babies in day care.

I could live with them only having two children, and working when their children are in school. That means their children would be at least 3 years old, and my daughters would work during school hours (8:30 and 2:30). I wouldn't think it is ideal, but I could accept it. Yes, I am aware my children may grow up and not do what I want. This thread isn't about what we could accept, if we had to. It's about what we wish our daughters would require. I dare to dream!

I have several good female friends whose spouses (of both sexes) are SAHPs or they split the childcare. Surgeons, lawyers, PR execs... Ideally, my DH and I would be on more of a split schedule, but it hasn't worked out that way so far.

 

I hope my daughters find spouses with whom they feel happy and loved and secure.

 

As far as rules go, I don't believe rules placed upon another grown person are of much use. I can't force my husband to be or do anything. I can only control my own reactions. Any "rules" would be rules for myself alone. Hopefully my kids will choose to be with people who respect, cherish, and complement them.

[lynn]

I wish some young girls would just require the basics in a boyrfriend first.   You know things like going to school, not a drop out, working full time, has his own car, have a trade or a degree in something or working on such, not playing video games all day, takes her out places(nice dates don't have to cost much), working towards moving out parents house, not asking to borrow money, pay for a phone or a gym membership, etc.   Basic stuff

[Wheres Toto]

Well, my oldest is 19 so this could be considered more than a theoretical question for me.

 

I want her to find someone who respects her as a person with her own thoughts, preferences, and ideas.

I want her to find someone who won't be threatened by her intelligence and feel the need to push her down.

I want her to find someone who is not hung up on gender roles and is open to her pursuing her own dreams, whatever they may be.

Someone who is comfortable with the idea that some of her best friends are gay men, and won't tell her she has to chose between him and her friends.

My dd is Christian and actually attends a fairly conservative church (with her dad) but clearly does not agree with many things (see the "gay best friends" above).  So I hope if she does find a "Christian" man that he is one that understands that not everyone is going to look at things the same way and that doesn't make one person right and the other wrong.  That there are many paths to the truth and each person needs to find the right path for them.

[gardenmom5]

 I'd love it if he had red hair in his family so that one of their kids has red hair 

1dd has red hair.  it would be nice to have redheaded grandchildren . . . . we'll see. (I've red highlights, but am blonde.  dh is red.  I have 1/5 red.   one was born with auburn, but it fell out at 3 months and came in tow.)

[NicAnn]

Oh well if we can pick looks too- red hair would be nice in the family. I would love olive skinned grand kids, just like my grandparents. I always wished I'd inherited it.

 

And musical ability. Or just an all around love of music would be nice.

 

I'm now considering an arranged marriage for her!

[LucyStoner]

I want my children to be happy. I do not presume to know what that might be for them beyond the obvious don't marry an @sshole.

 

ETA-

 

I am not who my ILs would have wanted my husband to marry. I am from the wrong side of the tracks, I am liberal and feminist, I am big (not as a euphemism for fat- I am really tall and broad and unladylike by their norms), I came from a totally different faith tradition, I was very strange to them. Too loud. Too unconventional. Too much. YET...I have made their son profoundly happy, given them awesome grandkids and been a loving DIL to my MIL. I also have emotionally and financially supported the academic and professional sucess of their son and helped him come to terms with the loss of his father. I will remember this if my kids opt to marry someone who is very different than me and my husband.

[HRAAB]

I'm not my dds, and my specific wants might not be theirs.  So the only thing I can state that I want my dds to look for in a spouse is one that respects them as a separate, individual, intelligent human.  If that is in place, I much more faith that the other 'desires or hopes' will work themselves out.

 

My oldest is married, and I'm very happy to say he meets 'my' requirement.  :001_smile:   

[LucyStoner]

Delayed double post. Yay "smartphone".

[HRAAB]

ETA: I'll add that we are very conservative. Contrary to dd's upbringing, she is fairly liberal (although she does retain certain conservative traits and beliefs, specifically towards things like abortion). For my own sanity, I pray that the young man she brings home isn't completely anti-conservative; I'd enjoy my husband not glaring at him over Christmas dinner. Doesn't have to be hard core conservative himself... just... maybe... I don't know... not our POLAR opposite. Please. I'm imagining the damage in my husband's eyes to hear that his dd's future husband hates Bill O'Reilly... and it's pitiful.

 

In our case our son-in-law likes Bill O'Reilly, and my dh can't stand him.  They still get along wonderfully, and respect one another.  Sil has commented frequently how much he admires my dh.  It can work just fine; you just need to know when to be quiet - both parties.