S/O of ground rules thread - What do you want your daughters requirements to be?

[Rosie_0801]

As long as my daughter partners an adult, not an overgrown child, she'll probably do ok.

Someone she can *work* with. Someone she can cook with, someone she can do renovations with.
Someone who notices children are real people and treats them as such.


For ds, someone over 35. I'm pretty sure that boy will need to travel the world until he is 40 before he settles down.

[Mrs Mungo]

Besides the obvious of respect, not tied to gender roles, supportive of homeschooling, not a drug user or an abuser, I have taught my dd that the man she marries should have the 3G's.

 

Good Credit

Good Job

Good Car (and by good car I don't mean a luxury vehicle.  I mean he takes care of it, keeps it clean and well maintained.)

 

 

I thought about when I was dating and had quite the list of wants/do not wants. I didn't *continue* to date (meaning go out with more than a handful of times) anyone that I wouldn't consider marrying. They were more sort of…indicators of character traits or goals/desires that clashed with my own, if that makes sense. 

 

Here's what I avoided:

-guys who smoked (this was very high on my list, I really hate smoking) or did drugs

-guys who drank to excess (I once went out with a guy who had three jack and cokes before dinner arrived, I was very glad I drove myself)

-guys who pressured me to go home with them

-guys without a plan or ambition

-guys who seemed controlling *and* guys who were too mild, neither would work with my personality

-guys who were atheists (I'm a Christian, my partner *at least* believing in a higher power was important to me)

-guys who didn't want kids 

 

Things that I leaned toward:

-guys who were at least semi-adventurous

-guys whose intelligence *at least* matched my own

-guys with a good sense of humor

-guys who weren't too judgy

-guys who were handy (the first thing dh did after we were married was build a bookshelf for me)

 

So, what I hope for all of my kids (boys and girls) is that they think about what they want to look for in a spouse and why. It's bound to be different from what I wanted. I hope they make a choice that is wise for them that results in their happiness and living a life that is as full as possible. 

 

I do admit that I would be sad if they decided not to have kids or if they discovered that they couldn't have kids. But, I would get over it, either way. 

[BakersDozen]

I wish/hope for husbands who realize my dds are wives, not slaves/maids.  Any guy who expects someone else to pick up his dirty laundry (including that which is thrown toward the basket but not put in) is not worth it.  I'm really serious.  I absolutely cannot stand men who are lazy or inconsiderate like that and I hope my dds would think better of themselves than to be with a guy who treats them like a maid.  

 

I also wish for them husbands who are hard working and skillful.  Is the guy useful with his hands?  Can he do basic tasks on vehicles and the house?  How does he spend his free time?  Is it with meaningful, productive work or in front of a computer/gadget?  Does he expect laundry/dishes/cleaning to be the wife's work?  If so, RUN, girl, and run fast.

 

I also wish for them husbands who are financially wise rather than idiotic.  Do they have a good financial plan for saving and staying out of debt or are they spending faster than they earn?  If the guy demands being in charge of the checkbook/finances, walk away and don't look back.

 

How do they feel about family/children?  I fear my dds (or my sons) being with someone who views the having/raising of children in such a different light that it creates massive chaos and discord.  

 

A man who values education is also on my list.  Too many of the families/young people where we are barely finish high school and never go to college; I would hate for my dc (or my grandkids) to be saddled with someone who accepted low academic standards/expectations.

 

Family relationships is a huge thing as well.  Does the guy take "leave and cleave" to the point he fights against any and all interaction with his wife's family (as my ex-bil did)?  Does he value time and relationships with his own family?  How does he feel about mil being on the scene for major events?  These are things I've pointed out to my girls in other families (including my own) so they can be aware.  Lol, I told my dd (then 12yo) as she and her older sister were at the hospital with me while little brother was about to be born that there are some guys who tell their wives how to deliver (meds/no meds; hospital/birthing center) and who can/cannot be there.  My 12yo thought on that then said, "Well, if my husband tried that I would tell him he is welcome to wait in the waiting room because I'm the one having the baby, not him, and I'll do what I want and need!"  Good girl.   :)

 

There are a lot of things I talk to my dc about as far as spouses go...this is just a tiny sampling.   :)  All the usual things also apply (respect, honor, accepting vs. expecting).

[Soror]

Well, I'd be disappointed for them if they married one of the evangelical super conservative men around here, the type that think that women are to serve men and submit to them. I'd hope they'd marry someone who was respectful of the choice to stay at home OR to work as I hate the idea of women being forced to do either. I hope she finds someone financially responsible. I hope that her spouse is intelligent, which doesn't necessarily mean to me that he has a certain level of education. I'd prefer if they found Catholic men. I hope for a hardworking man as well, too many lazy men around here chasing their dreams or sitting on their butt while their family struggles in poverty.

[Mommy22alyns]

I want good guys who make them happy.  My main thing, the huge mistake I made, is that I want them to be darn sure that the guy is educated, has a  career, has some drive, SOMETHING to show that they will be good providers.  Regardless of whether they want to SAHM or not, they need to find good providers.  I want them to not have the pain and troubles I have.

[zoobie]

ETA: I'll add that we are very conservative. Contrary to dd's upbringing, she is fairly liberal (although she does retain certain conservative traits and beliefs, specifically towards things like abortion). For my own sanity, I pray that the young man she brings home isn't completely anti-conservative; I'd enjoy my husband not glaring at him over Christmas dinner. Doesn't have to be hard core conservative himself... just... maybe... I don't know... not our POLAR opposite. Please. I'm imagining the damage in my husband's eyes to hear that his dd's future husband hates Bill O'Reilly... and it's pitiful.

Not all conservatives like Bill O'Reilly. My liberal DH and conservative dad have had many a conversation over what a boob they think he is. ;)

[goldberry]

1. I wish for her to find a man who values her unique personality and doesn't criticize her for it instead. DD is very bouncy and talkative - many times to the point of annoying me and others to death! I pray that she finds someone who adores her liveliness and enthusiasm. If she marries someone who later puts her down or criticizes her often, she will be miserable. She is very sensitive.

 

2. Someone who is at least reasonably honest with himself about his own flaws, and willing to accept responsiblity for his own role in things. (I've already taught her that a man who never apologizes or says he is sorry is someone to run from..)

 

3. Someone who is willng to work hard to care for the people he loves, whether that ends up being DD and kids, or just DD.

 

4. Someone who is COMMITTED and willing to work on things (see #2 above) and not run away from the first sign of problems.

 

ETA, yes, I am also one who wishes she would find a man like her dad :)

[bettyandbob]

I hope she finds a person who

Respects her

 

After that

Has good communication skills

Able to financially support a family

Able to deal with dd financially supporting a family if that's what she wants and or it's what they need at some stage (I guess this goes with respect)

Is intelligent and intellectually curious

Interested in her interests

Available for emotional support

Can laugh

Can be spontaneous

Can make her feel special

[Aspasia]

Aside from the obvious, and aside from being a good personality match...

 

It is very important to us that our girls marry (and our boys become) men who:

-are smart/educated

-are hard-working

-want children

-are committed to life as a family man

-are honest and loyal

-get along well with our family

 

That's pretty much it for me. Nothing would pain me more than to see my daughters married to men who are unkind or disrespectful. But a close second would be watching my daughters struggle through life because they married louses. I have friends and family in that situation and it's hard to see.

 

ETA: I hope my girls marry someone like dh, too. That's would have been a much easier way to put it. :)

[AdventureMoms]

My selfish list?

 

Someone who wants kids

Someone who wants his/her kids to have a good relationship with their grandmas.  

 

Yes, I am motivated by grandbabies.  

 

Other, more serious stuff:

 

- Someone who knows how to argue/disagree in a positive and productive manner.  Any marriage will have disagreements, and people who refuse to discuss or take everything personally, etc make those disagreements hard to get past.

 

- Someone with good communication skills.  Related to the above.  So much of life is easier if you can communicate!

 

- Someone who respects her - by this I mean someone who sees her as an equal, values her opinions and interests, etc

 

- An adult.  Someone who can take responsibility, do what needs doing, make hard decisions...

 

- Someone who is decent with money.  I don't mean wealthy or high-earning, but someone who can handle finances responsibly.

 

- I hope my daughter would take the time to make her own list of things that are important to her, and to look for those things in a future spouse.  I hope she will think about what life will be like, long term and in reality, with this person, not just marry because she's madly in love.  Of course, I hope she's madly in love too.

 

My list for my sons would be pretty much the same as for my daughter.  Also, I hope that both my sons and daughter would be all those things to their future spouses.  

[texasmama]

I have two dd's, one 18 and one 8. What I want in a mate for them: similar spiritual beliefs, similar education/intelligence, gentle parenting philosophies, passion, and a strong sense of responsibility. Everything else is negotiable. :)

[8circles]

I'm a little horrified by the physical appearance desires. I could honestly not care less what my ds' so's look like. I don't have daughters but I don't think what we want for our kids would be much different for daughters or sons.

 

I want them to find/be a partner who brings out the best in the other. Who is able to be both selfless and selfish, depending on the need. Who will be a true partner and teammate.

[Guest inoubliable]

I'm a little horrified by the physical appearance desires. I could honestly not care less what my ds' so's look like. I don't have daughters but I don't think what we want for our kids would be much different for daughters or sons. Same

 

I want them to find/be a partner who brings out the best in the other. Who is able to be both selfless and selfish, depending on the need. Who will be a true partner and teammate. I'll meet you in the S/O - what do you want your sons' requirements to be thread, if you start it. =P

[J-rap]

A reflective, faithful Christian.  (though they do not need to be part of a church)

Completely devoted to my daughter.

A good sense of humor.

Looks at the bright side.

Intellectually hungry.

Emotionally-stable.

Fun-loving.

Feminist.

Humble.

Not materialistic.

Loves spending time with all of us.  :)

[swellmomma]

I have not read the other replies because I wanted to get my own thoughts out before I stole everyone else's ideas lol

What I want for my daughters is someone intelligent (does not have to be a genius but for goodness sake they should have at least a decent level of intelligence), someone with common sense, someone who is honest, stable, compassionate, Someone who would be right there holding her hair back while she puked with the flu.  Someone who fit in well with the rest of the family, who treats the wait staff as well as he treats the manager, who knows when to stand up for what is right even when no one else will and even if that means standing up against me (though if he agrees with me more often then not that would be better lol). Someone mentally stable, with a great work ethic (willing to do anything necessary to support his family) But mostly, someone who makes her smile (and knows how to make it right if he made her cry). 

[gardenmom5]

In our case our son-in-law likes Bill O'Reilly, and my dh can't stand him.  They still get along wonderfully, and respect one another.  Sil has commented frequently how much he admires my dh.  It can work just fine; you just need to know when to be quiet - both parties.  

I'm conservative.  I think he's a  pompous a__.   hmmm - who has the bigger chip on the shoulder to knock off that eveready battery?  him or Robert Conrad?

 

 

I'm a little horrified by the physical appearance desires. I could honestly not care less what my ds' so's look like. I don't have daughters but I don't think what we want for our kids would be much different for daughters or sons.

 

I want them to find/be a partner who brings out the best in the other. Who is able to be both selfless and selfish, depending on the need. Who will be a true partner and teammate.

I think you're taking the physical appearance comments too seriously. 

 

ultimately - it's the relationship they have with the future spouse that is important.

[8circles]

 

I think you're taking the physical appearance comments too seriously.

 

Hmm. Don't think so. I'm primarily responding to the OP's post about obesity, etc. Pretty sure that was totally serious. The comments about redheads don't bother me.

[MrsBasil]

My dd is 2, so this is as theoretical as it comes but... I want her to have her own requirements that meet her goals and wants for a happy, successful, and loving relationship. I want her to pick someone she likes and loves. I want her to find her equal. I want her to be treated as a person worthy of love and respect.  I'd be disappointed by certain choices(privately) but unless they are harmful I hope I would remember that she chose that person.

 

Ideally it would be a person I could like, love, and respect.

 

I do want to ad that I find the model of extreme wifely submission to be on the harmful scale.  I want my daughter to have a voice and be able to use it in her relationship.

[Crimson Wife]

Also, interesting how many people listed educated or some similar word.  That isn't something on my list at all.

To me "educated" means well-read, possessing a decent understanding of core academic subjects, able to participate in a conversation on an intellectual topic, etc. That education does not necessarily have to have come from a formal academic program. I know some very bright auto-didacts and plenty of people with a degree but no intellectual curiosity. The library has tons of free resources for self-education.

[Crimson Wife]

I'm a little horrified by the physical appearance desires. I could honestly not care less what my ds' so's look like.

Physical appearance isn't a huge priority for me, just something that would be nice to have. My brother has red hair and one of his previous girlfriends had a red-headed father. I was thrilled to hear that because of the prospect of possibly having a redheaded niece or nephew. But it didn't work out for them and he's now dating a girl of Japanese/Indonesian heritage whom I really like. So it's not a big deal.

 

I was very surprised that DH turned out to be a carrier of red hair because while he's half-Irish, there hadn't been a redhead in his family in several generations until DS was born.

[BakersDozen]

 

 

I'm a little horrified by the physical appearance desires. I could honestly not care less what my ds' so's look like. 

I will be very, very concerned if my dds end up with obese husbands.  Just this morning at church I was chatting with a lady who married a guy who was very large in high school and is now so overweight he interacts with his dc only from his chair in the living room.  He cannot attend events, play outside with them, give baths, etc.  He cannot do anything to help around the house so the entire burden of parenting and housework falls on the wife.  She is exhausted in every way.  I think there is a valid reason for concern in this area of physical appearance.  And honestly, I would worry about my grandchildren and their weight/health should my dds marry someone extremely large.  I'm sorry if that horrifies anyone.

[Trish]

Are we thinking sons don't need ground rules? Or that they'd be so very different that it's a separate thread?

[Santi]

Are we thinking sons don't need ground rules? Or that they'd be so very different that it's a separate thread?

I'm pretty sure it said daughters because the thread this is related to was about a woman's daughter saying she would have ground rules.

[8circles]

I will be very, very concerned if my dds end up with obese husbands. Just this morning at church I was chatting with a lady who married a guy who was very large in high school and is now so overweight he interacts with his dc only from his chair in the living room. He cannot attend events, play outside with them, give baths, etc. He cannot do anything to help around the house so the entire burden of parenting and housework falls on the wife. She is exhausted in every way. I think there is a valid reason for concern in this area of physical appearance. And honestly, I would worry about my grandchildren and their weight/health should my dds marry someone extremely large. I'm sorry if that horrifies anyone.

What you are describing is morbidly obese, not obese. Nonetheless, the comments weren't just about obesity but age and general attractiveness which indicates that the preference was about outward appearance and not ability to parent. Pretty sure I can be just as great of a parent and partner if I'm not considered attractive to my MIL.

 

eta: just reread the post I'm referring to and it does say morbidly obese. I stand corrected regarding that but maintain my horror at the comments about looks which have nothing to do with the quality of a persons character or ability to partner/parent.

[Camelfeet]

I hope my daughter finds a man like her dad, honestly. 

 

Ditto.  

 

Someone who is educated, intelligent, motivated, ambitious, faithful, and considerate.  

Someone who is supportive, understanding, slow to anger and a good communicator.

[Aspasia]

1. I wish for her to find a man who values her unique personality and doesn't criticize her for it instead. DD is very bouncy and talkative - many times to the point of annoying me and others to death! I pray that she finds someone who adores her liveliness and enthusiasm. If she marries someone who later puts her down or criticizes her often, she will be miserable. She is very sensitive.

 

 

Your dd sounds like me. I'm super talkative and bouncy and I think I can be annoying to a lot of people. My family was kinda mean to me about it when I was growing up. Dh is my perfect match. He always tells me that he likes how much I talk. In fact, if I'm engaged in something else while he's getting ready for work or something, he often asks me to come chat it up with him. I easily contribute 80-90 percent of the conversation between us and he says he loves it. He likes to listen to me talk. So I got lucky. There are men out there for your dd! :)

[Trish]

I'm pretty sure it said daughters because the thread this is related to was about a woman's daughter saying she would have ground rules.

 

You could also read it as a woman's child.

 

I'm just thinking maybe there's an undercurrent of sexism here. Women need ground rules to protect themselves from men, sort of thing.

 

I guess I only noticed because I have sons!

[Rosie_0801]

You could also read it as a woman's child.

 

I'm just thinking maybe there's an undercurrent of sexism here. Women need ground rules to protect themselves from men, sort of thing.

 

I guess I only noticed because I have sons!

 

 

I think we can talk about our daughters without it being any slight to our sons. I can tell you mine is not at all hard done by. He's asleep in *my* bed with his elbow sticking into me.  :glare:  :001_wub:

[Soror]

You could also read it as a woman's child.

 

I'm just thinking maybe there's an undercurrent of sexism here. Women need ground rules to protect themselves from men, sort of thing.

 

I guess I only noticed because I have sons!

I don't see how, it was a spin-off from a woman whose daughter was talking about making ground rules for a future husband, that is generally how spin-offs work.

 

I think most here have sons as well as daughters, statistically it must be about the same. I have 3 daughters and 1 son but that doesn't mean I think of him less.

[marbel]

You could also read it as a woman's child.

 

I'm just thinking maybe there's an undercurrent of sexism here. Women need ground rules to protect themselves from men, sort of thing.

 

I guess I only noticed because I have sons!

 

I have a son too. I just thought in this thread we were talking about daughters.   I didn't feel my son was being slighted.  Maybe someone will start a similar thread for boys.   You could, if you want! 

[Trish]

I have a son too. I just thought in this thread we were talking about daughters.   I didn't feel my son was being slighted.  Maybe someone will start a similar thread for boys.   You could, if you want! 

 

I guess that's what I'm asking. Why would a separate (but equal!) thread be needed for boys? Are the needs of boys and girls so very different when it comes to establishing "ground rules" in a marriage?

 

Maybe they are! I just wouldn't perceive it that way, right off the bat.

 

I might be wrong in thinking this thread relates to ground rules. Maybe it's "what you're looking for in a husband?"

 

In that case, yes, it wouldn't apply to most boys.

 

Edited to add: Yes I see now that this is more oriented to picking a husband. Never mind about the boys, then!

[Renee in NC]

You could also read it as a woman's child.

 

I'm just thinking maybe there's an undercurrent of sexism here. Women need ground rules to protect themselves from men, sort of thing.

 

I guess I only noticed because I have sons!

 

I have 5 sons, and I didn't read it that way.  Maybe start a spin-off?

[goldberry]

Your dd sounds like me. I'm super talkative and bouncy and I think I can be annoying to a lot of people. My family was kinda mean to me about it when I was growing up. Dh is my perfect match. He always tells me that he likes how much I talk. In fact, if I'm engaged in something else while he's getting ready for work or something, he often asks me to come chat it up with him. I easily contribute 80-90 percent of the conversation between us and he says he loves it. He likes to listen to me talk. So I got lucky. There are men out there for your dd! :)

That's awesome to hear! DH and I are both quiet people. I can be social when I am out, but at home I love my quiet. So DD has been, well, an adventure! We both try really hard to "listen" and not be mean, but I know sometimes we still hurt her feelings because we zone out or sometimes just have to say we need quiet. She takes it very personally. So I know that is going to be important in her marraige.

[texasmama]

That's awesome to hear! DH and I are both quiet people. I can be social when I am out, but at home I love my quiet. So DD has been, well, an adventure! We both try really hard to "listen" and not be mean, but I know sometimes we still hurt her feelings because we zone out or sometimes just have to say we need quiet. She takes it very personally. So I know that is going to be important in her marraige.

I have a son like this. :) He just has a LOT of words to say in a day. I can only process so much at once before my brain shuts down. His brother is his opposite. I hope sharing a room and being together all the time will help stretch both of them. It is interesting, I will say that.

 

Regarding this being a thread about daughters, I do think that men's and women's needs can be pretty different. That is borne out by research. But many of the qualities discussed in this thread (intelligence, responsibility, kindness) are not tied to gender in terms of needs. I have many hopes for my two sons, as well as my two daughters. :)

[fairfarmhand]

someone who is a firm, rock-solid Christian, but can see through what is tradition and what is scripture. Someone who is comfortable enough to do what is right for THEM as a couple, even if it goes against what his mama, pastor, best friend, etc. does with their lives.

 

Someone for my oldest dd who will quietly stand up against her stubborn nature (without engaging) because it is not good for anyone to get their own way all the time.

 

Someone who will respect my dd2 for who she is and dig deep to find out how she REALLY feels about something. She's my people pleaser.

 

For my dd 3, someone who will not only appreciate her outer beauty, but will value her inner beauty and cultivate that,

 

I want all of my girls to find men who will help them grow as women of faith while still being gentle with them.

 

For my son, I want a young lady who loves the Lord with all that she is...even more than she loves my son.

 

For all my kids, I want their spouses to love God with all that they are and seek to please Him above all else. I want them to be humble.

[Tap]

Well DD14s top priorities are already set.We have talked about this quite a bit lately.  What she likes about her boyfriend:

Respectful

Kind

Financially responsible

Generous (within his budget)

Funny

Playful

Physically fit (within a normal range-not ultra fit, but likes to play sports or do things like kayaking so he can keep up with her) 

Likes to cuddle

Talkative/open communication

Christian or not but at least willing to allow her to follow her own faith.

Intelligent, but doesn't necessarily need a 'book' education, self taught/led learning/wisdom is fine with her.

Someone who wants her to look and act like herself.  So far, she prefers to not wear makeup  and keep her hair simple. While she dresses cute and has a very fresh natural beauty, she doesn't want someone expecting her to be dolled up all the time.

 

 

 

I think she has a pretty good list going.  :0) 

 

[swellmomma]

You could also read it as a woman's child.

 

I'm just thinking maybe there's an undercurrent of sexism here. Women need ground rules to protect themselves from men, sort of thing.

 

I guess I only noticed because I have sons!

 

I have sons as well, many who replied to this thread do as well.  Seriously someone can talk about one without it being a slight to the other.  People take offence to everything these days even when there is no offence.  Jeepers talk about getting fit and suddenly it is against anyone with a larger body size.  Talk about Christ and you must be against athiests/agnostics/muslims/catholics and everyone else. Talk about cats well then you must be against dogs.  Just because a topic was about what we wish for our daughters does not mean we have any fewer wishes for our sons, it just means we were talking about our daughters.  There was no sexism here, this was not even about protecting themselves from men, this wa about a wish list of what character traits we would love our future son in laws to have.  I have a list of what I want my future dil to be as well but this thread wasn't about that.  If you want one about sons, start one instead of pouting that this one wasn't it.

[aggieamy]

Intelligent, hopefully educated (but I'd prefer someone who is an auto-didact to someone with a degree yet no intellectual curiosity), hard-working, supportive of her choices about career & family, loves kids and hopefully wants 3 or more, hopefully Catholic, and I'd love it if he had red hair in his family so that one of their kids has red hair (each of my girls has a 2/3 chance of being a carrier).

 

For younger DD especially I'd want him to have no autistic traits or close relatives with ASD. Scientists don't have a good understanding of ASD but there does seem to be a genetic link.

 

Ditto all of this and I would also be okay with a red headed grandchild.  We're a family of brunets so anything different would be fun.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

I'm a little horrified by the physical appearance desires.

 

That has indeed been interesting to read.  I would suspect posts that espouse wishes for sons' future wives to be blonde, model-thin, and high cheekboned would garner different reactions -- at least I hope they would.

 

I've seen some posts on open ended gender roles, but I'm not sure if any posts have gone so far as to say "I hope DD finds as guy who will support her career by taking care of the kids."  I know that's a stretch, and is probably covered under the gender roles thing, but it's a continuum, and I suspect everyone has a different comfort level along that scale.

[gardenmom5]

Hmm. Don't think so. I'm primarily responding to the OP's post about obesity, etc. Pretty sure that was totally serious. The comments about redheads don't bother me.

 

there's overweight obesity - and morbidly obese.  that is a potential serious health problem that can shorten a life and is a major risk factor in some serious chronic illnesses.  that does reduce what they can do for and with their family.

I don't see how, it was a spin-off from a woman whose daughter was talking about making ground rules for a future husband, that is generally how spin-offs work.

 

I think most here have sons as well as daughters, statistically it must be about the same. I have 3 daughters and 1 son but that doesn't mean I think of him less.

 

 

I have a son too. I just thought in this thread we were talking about daughters.   I didn't feel my son was being slighted.  Maybe someone will start a similar thread for boys.   You could, if you want! 

I have two daughters - and three sons.   I didn't feel they were being slighted.

[kewb]

You could also read it as a woman's child.

 

I'm just thinking maybe there's an undercurrent of sexism here. Women need ground rules to protect themselves from men, sort of thing.

 

I guess I only noticed because I have sons!

 

I've got a son and a daughter.  I did not feel an undercurrent of sexism.  We were discussing what sort of partner we hope our daughters end up with.  I know what kind of ground rules I think my son should have, too, but in this thread we were discussing our daughters.

[gardenmom5]

I've seen some posts on open ended gender roles, but I'm not sure if any posts have gone so far as to say "I hope DD finds as guy who will support her career by taking care of the kids."  I know that's a stretch, and is probably covered under the gender roles thing, but it's a continuum, and I suspect everyone has a different comfort level along that scale.

both of my girls would like to marry, have a family and be a sahm. however, both have/will have (2dd is still in school) incomes that can support a single income family comfortably.    just because they can, doesn't mean they want to.

I've teased 1dd that she'll buy her house, get it just how she wants it, then find a husband and he'll get transferred to the east coast.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

both of my girls would like to marry, have a family and be a sahm. however, both have/will have (2dd is still in school) incomes that can support a single income family comfortably.    just because they can, doesn't mean they want to.

 

And that's a fair assessment.  Some NPR story talked about the theory that there aren't more "high powered" women because, in part, the desire to put career first to the extreme extent required to become partner/CEO/senator is just less common among women, and not in a bad way.  I think the story came out after "Lean In" was published, and received both support and some backlash.

 

Anyway, that sounds exactly like the can vs want to example.

[MedicMom]

I want to raise a daughter who desires a smart, funny, educated, employable man. I hope he helps her out around the house and supports her pursuing a career(much like my own DH). I hope they are physically active, even just walks around the neighborhood, and that she doesn't desire a man who wants to play video games all night. I want her to not want someone who has addictions or traditional views; someone who will support her and her desires while she supports him as well. I want her to gravitate towards men who respect her thoughts, views, desires and passions. I want her to desire a man who will go out of his way to help someone else.

 

And this is the kind of man I am hoping my son will become.

 

ETA: and if she wants to be a sahm and that is financially possible, I hope he would support her in that, much as if future son in law or my own son desired to be a stay at home dad and it was feasible, that would be supported too.

[Santi]

You could also read it as a woman's child.

 

I'm just thinking maybe there's an undercurrent of sexism here. Women need ground rules to protect themselves from men, sort of thing.

 

I guess I only noticed because I have sons!

What do you mean with your first sentence? The thread it's from was specifically talking about a woman's 17 year old daughter. I see what you mean, but I don't think anyone meant any harm.

[8circles]

What do you mean with your first sentence? The thread it's from was specifically talking about a woman's 17 year old daughter. I see what you mean, but I don't think anyone meant any harm.

Just quoting you BC I was the last post talking about sons/daughters. Gosh, I'm not slighted in the least - I just didn't see how the needs would be different. After reading more I think I have a better understanding of where many are coming from. It is different for many of you based in gender. I don't have different expectations between boys and girls so it wasn't obvious to me.

[Crimson Wife]

Are we thinking sons don't need ground rules? Or that they'd be so very different that it's a separate thread?

Most of the things would be similar on a list for my DS but TBH, I would be a bit more concerned about nurturing ability and a bit less about breadwinning. DS I'm pretty sure wants to hold down FT employment rather than being a SAHD (not that I have anything against SAHD's, I think it's fantastic when that is the couple's choice). My girls I'm not so sure about. Oldest DD talks about maybe wanting to be a speech pathologist as it's a career that offers the possibility of PT employment.

[Rosie_0801]

I've seen some posts on open ended gender roles, but I'm not sure if any posts have gone so far as to say "I hope DD finds as guy who will support her career by taking care of the kids."  I know that's a stretch, and is probably covered under the gender roles thing, but it's a continuum, and I suspect everyone has a different comfort level along that scale.

 

I suppose that's because I've only ever seen scenarios where the wife supporting the husband has gone belly up. Obviously I know it works for some, but I don't know what kind of people can make it work, only what kind can't!

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

I suppose that's because I've only ever seen scenarios where the wife supporting the husband has gone belly up. Obviously I know it works for some, but I don't know what kind of people can make it work, only what kind can't!

 

That's interesting.  I have to wonder if it's just a $ and cents thing, or something more complex, like the egos involved.  We make it work on a teacher's salary in a sky-high COL state with me bringing in just another several hundred a week, but not every week.

 

I propose it comes back, in part, to assumed gender roles, and those couples who are less flexible about that will have less success in reversing them.

[beezus]

I suppose that's because I've only ever seen scenarios where the wife supporting the husband has gone belly up. Obviously I know it works for some, but I don't know what kind of people can make it work, only what kind can't!

 

I don't know either.  This didn't work for me, but then my ex unilaterally decided he wasn't going to work so I admit I had rather a bad attitude about it.  He wasn't doing the typical homemaker stuff either, so there was plenty of resentment. 

 

My current husband had some friends in another state who had reversed roles and it did seem to work for them.  Wife was highly successful in her field, so money was not an issue.  The husband did eventually go back to work after the kids got older.  I do think some people can work this out. 

 

Since we are talking about daughters here, I hope if mine ever hears the words "kept man" uttered by any guy she is seeing that she will immediately head for the hills and not turn back.