Looking for tips to control emotions

[creekland]

What tips do any of y'all have for controlling emotions?  Usually, being emotional is not an issue for me.  I'm a thinker rather than a feeler, so if anything, I often have to make myself consider emotions more.

 

But... yesterday a visit to Johns Hopkins (medical, not college) did not turn out the way it was expected to go.  And today is not better for me emotionally.  The thing is, I don't even know that it's anything "really" bad (to where emotions are understandable).  The chances seem decent (or at least I like to think they seem decent) that it's just "not so bad."  But we won't know until at least mid-Oct and I can't fathom being a basket case until then - or as "the date" approaches.  I don't like the feeling(s) and they do no good in the situation.  Stress-wise, they could make it worse.  Staying busy helps, but then the mind wanders or someone asks a question or we try to ponder the future... all things that need to be handled.

 

So... what tips do you have?  Ignoring it simply isn't working.  I've been trying that.  Envisioning the "not so bad" and all the reasons I think that's the likely outcome isn't working either.  (ie thinking positively, with justified reasons behind it)

 

Many people deal with "not so bad" and "really bad" on a daily basis without emotions.  How do they do it?

[Luckymama]

Oh man :grouphug:

 

I wish I had words of wisdom for you! I did not handles my emotions and stress well for three years, the period of time when my mom was dying, when my dad died very suddenly, and when I had to sell their house and handle their estate. Regular exercise and very regular teAtime with dh brought me out of that period.

[Miss Mousie]

So... what tips do you have?  Ignoring it simply isn't working.  I've been trying that.  Envisioning the "not so bad" and all the reasons I think that's the likely outcome isn't working either.  (ie thinking positively, with justified reasons behind it)

 

Many people deal with "not so bad" and "really bad" on a daily basis without emotions.  How do they do it?

 

Creekland, I'm sorry to hear you're in this tough spot. 

 

My minor comments:

 

As to the last part, I think it's the "daily basis" part that makes the difference there.  When bad situations are a matter of course, the experience changes expectations.  I suppose an example might be having a chronically ill child - the first experience is a crisis, the second a "here we go again," and after that I imagine the mindset is "I am prepared for this every day because I have to be."

 

As to the first part, I can suggest only that you continue to think positively and visualize the best outcome.  Difficult parts will still happen, but the more you sing the positive refrain the easier it will be, and it will make the burdensome thoughts not quite so constant.

 

I hope something here helps.  And I hope you have a strong shoulder to cry on (and know that it's okay to do so).

[Lawana]

For intense immediate needs: focus on relaxing the muscles in the neck and abdomen. Deep abdominal breathing. Lay flat on your back, and visualize pushing air into you toes.

[Pawz4me]

There is a continuum, I think, of people who are pill takers or not.  I'm probably somewhere in the middle.  Experience has taught me that with my emotions and (major) tendency toward anxiety, times of acute stress call for some pharmaceutical intervention.  I have at times relied on Xanax or Lexapro (generics of both are available).  IMO there's nothing at all wrong with relying on a little help like that when needed.  For me things like yoga, meditation, deep breathing, exercise all work great as maintenance when things are going along basically well.  In times of crisis . . . not so much.

 

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. :grouphug:

[Mama Geek]

I don't like to get real emotional either, but more than a year ago when I thought there was a chance that I had bre@st cancer, I was a basketcase until after I got the results and everything was fine.  One thing that did help is there was a boardie that reached out to me and we e-mailed back and forth a bunch.  (If you are reading this, thanks again.)  It was easier to talk to her than a lot of my IRL friends for some reason.  She was a great help and we actually got together this summer for an afternoon.  The other thing that helped a lot was I told another friend that I greatly respected what was going on and she had been through it.  My dh was great and so was my mom, but having the other 2 people involved really made a huge difference.  

 

If you would like to talk you are more than welcome to PM me.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Don't deceive yourself. NO ONE faces "not so bad" or "really bad" WITHOUT emotion. You probably just don't see them at their most intense emotional moments.

 

As for your unknown, that IS challenging. It's always the unknown that gets us all riled up, isn't it? While that happens to all of us, let's stop a moment and think about

how useless that is. We don't KNOW what's going on and yet we STRESS about it. Does that make any sense at all? No. And that's the crux of every phobia - it stymies

us with a useless fear.

 

My advice to you: LIVE your life. LIVE TODAY. Be IN the moment. Forget the What Ifs. If you live in the What Ifs, you will still today's precious moments with your friends and 

family. Determine what your priorities are and let those be your goals. Is one of those goals to by stymied by a What If so you focus only on what the future may, or may not, hold

to the detriment of your family? Probably not. LIVE TODAY.

[Karen in CO]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  

Positive thinking doesn't work for me.  Neither does trying to keep a positive attitude.  

 

I inhale deeply, try to figure out what I need to get done and do that.  In between, I try to remember that we are not guaranteed anything in this world except for the fact that life itself is terminal.  It is a stinky attitude, I'm sure, but it is the best I have been able to manage.  I do not have the power or ability to change some of the facts of my life so I just have to deal with the results of those facts.  I make it from one day to the next as best I can trying to notice the small things,  and I mean really small like the feel of sunshine warming my face.  I always swing on the swings in the playground.  I always stop to hug my kids.  In between, sometimes I cry alone in my car because I'm not strong enough to handle this even though I have to.

 

:grouphug: 

 

[creekland]

 

As to the last part, I think it's the "daily basis" part that makes the difference there.  When bad situations are a matter of course, the experience changes expectations.  I suppose an example might be having a chronically ill child - the first experience is a crisis, the second a "here we go again," and after that I imagine the mindset is "I am prepared for this every day because I have to be."

 

This makes sense.  It's exactly what happened with youngest's diagnosis of epilepsy last year.  I got emotional with that one too, though more with the "not knowing"  (and seeing him "look" like he had died - it even scared the nurse - it was an unusual epilepsy case, both of us had seen "normal") than afterward with the "knowing."  Now it's "old hat" and nothing special, but of course, we've been very lucky as his has been completely controlled with medication.  Many aren't so lucky.

 

I'm guessing with time that this too will become "old hat" - esp if it's the "not so bad."  (ie livable)

 

Don't deceive yourself. NO ONE faces "not so bad" or "really bad" WITHOUT emotion. You probably just don't see them at their most intense emotional moments.

 

As for your unknown, that IS challenging. It's always the unknown that gets us all riled up, isn't it? While that happens to all of us, let's stop a moment and think about

how useless that is. We don't KNOW what's going on and yet we STRESS about it. Does that make any sense at all? No. And that's the crux of every phobia - it stymies

us with a useless fear.

 

My advice to you: LIVE your life. LIVE TODAY. Be IN the moment. Forget the What Ifs. If you live in the What Ifs, you will still today's precious moments with your friends and 

family. Determine what your priorities are and let those be your goals. Is one of those goals to by stymied by a What If so you focus only on what the future may, or may not, hold

to the detriment of your family? Probably not. LIVE TODAY.

Right now it is definitely the unknown that is the stresser - that and that it came rather unexpectedly.  What was supposed to be routine (more or less) ended up not being what it was thought to be - not even close.  The "problem" is there - the cause is unknown, but there are some "not so bad" potentials and a "very bad" potential.

 

Crying really isn't an option.  I work at school - no one knows about it there and I don't want to explain.  They don't even know we were headed to Johns Hopkins nor do they know why we might go.  Neighbors don't know and I don't want to explain to them either.  Here at home my family doesn't need it.  They need a strong mama who isn't a basket case about the unknown - esp when there is still a chance it's livable (no idea what the odds are - this isn't terribly "common" - definitely not googleable without more info from the next appt.).  At this point, we're not even telling college boys - don't want them potentially worried about it and affecting their classes.  Youngest is here and knows, but he's borderline Aspie and is not affected by emotion (ever thought that would be a GOOD thing?).  He's also convinced it's not going to be a problem.  Hopefully he's right.

 

The work and relaxation techniques sound worth a try.  I'm also continuing with the positive thinking as I truly think there's merit in it (both in reality - with reasons - and in general, for less stress).  I'm reminding myself that I'm REALLY glad it's me and not one of the kids or hubby.  It's hard to understand (maybe not), but I'd feel worse if it were one of them.  But yeah, as Heigh Ho mentioned, I'd rather have been "lucky" with the lottery. ;)

 

Of course, a BIG part of me wants to cancel the appt and go on with life pretending yesterday didn't happen.  If it's a "not so bad" result, there'd be no harm in that.  The "problem" itself is liveable (remember - few know it even exists).  I'm willing to take that gamble.  I'd prefer to take that gamble as I really think the stress would end.  (Part of that is I'm not fond of Dr, appts even when the Dr seems super nice and googling about him definitely makes me feel like JH gave us the best.)  Hubby is not wanting to take that gamble, so the next appt is made - delayed until AFTER our FL trip with the boys.

 

Off to pick lima beans... and enjoy the weather... trying to concentrate on lima beans and the weather - and relaxing various muscles, etc.

[Rosie_0801]

I read a quote by Jung recently saying something about how if we ignore the negative parts of our character, they only get bigger and scarier.

 

I think it is the same with emotions. While *now* might not be the right time to get philosophical, negative emotions are not so overwhelming (most of the time) if you are acquainted and have a reasonable working relationship.

 

 

To answer your question though, I usually vent to my brother, cry and snarf chocolate for the serotonin hit.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  I hope things work out ok.

[bolt.]

As a thinker, you might do well with the strategy of thinking in distinct (and detailed) scenarios or forecasts -- rather than the unknown. It's kind of like living life on a flow chart. You don't know which thing will happen, but you do know what things could happen. Then you have places to put your plans.

 

Also, remember that having emotions is a lot like needing to go pee. They are there, part of your life, but they aren't "you" as in they don't take on your identity of "self". They are something that the real "you" manages with wisdom and gentleness... just like you manage your need to pee.

 

If an emotion is there, it isn't going to evaporate: it's going to need to be processed (internally, by thinking it through, or externally by conversation or expressiveness). You get to choose when, where and how to deal with it, but you don't get to choose not to deal with it -- or you very much will end up in a messy outburst at the very worst time.

 

Feelings, like pee, will wait a while before be owning insistent. And, like pee, they will be insistent for a while before they really get messy... But they won't be ignored for long stretches of time. They will take matters into their own hands.

 

To internally process an emotion, name what it is, and almost say "hello" to it. Try to assess how intense it is. Decide that it is a perfectly appropriate feeling in there, doing exactly what it should be doing, responding to something real, something that legitimately provokes that particular feeling. Look into it for more information, like, "What sorts of specific things am I afraid about?" (Beyond, "I see that I am feeling fear. Fear is appropriate here.") Then you kind of "pat the feeling on the head" and tell it that it is more than welcome to stay as long as it likes, but you are carrying on with your day now.

 

Oh, and do little tests of what kinds of expression your feelings might need -- journaling, chatting, shouting, crying, drawing -- all sorts if things can help.

 

Bottling it up because of what others need from you is a recipe for disaster. "Lady who crying because of something personal, thanks for your concern, be out in a minute" is much more understandable than "Lady who screamed in frustration and threw her chalk into the corner for no reason" -- in a workplace (and a healthy family) you are expected to process strong emotions without outbursts of irrationality... But you aren't expected to keep this all to yourself and express nothing. Good emotional management means making time and choosing good spaces to process through them so that you can be level headed much of the time.

[Little Nyssa]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Here is what I do, which may or not be useful to anybody else, but FWIW:

1. be out in nature and stay physically active.

2. rationalizing how I feel, "This is bad and stressful, but I felt extra bad about it because I had PMS, or I missed breakfast, or there was bad traffic on the way, or I was worried about X other thing at the same time."

3. reminding myself that if it turns out to be nothing, I will feel like I wasted a lot of time worrying, so I might as well not.

4. Sometimes one has to delve into the bad feeling and think it over, but sometimes one has to just intentionally think about something else.  Because the thought of this stressor comes up multiple times each day, and if I understand it right, each time you think of it, it wears a kind of neurological "track" in your mind that makes it easier for you to fall into thinking about it again whenever you have a spare moment, so I try to turn the thought away so I don't do that.

5. I ask myself, "Can I bear this just for today?" and the fact is that nothing bad is actually happening right now, it is just one's usual day, with a low-lying anxiety about the future.  Taking it day by day, and focusing on the day you are living at this moment, not the future.

6. do some fun things and make activities and appointments for yourself to look forward to.

7. If there is something you need more information about, get it from reliable sources, but don't freak yourself out by looking up the worst possible outcomes on the Internet.  

Hugs, I hope you get the best possible news in Oct!

[texasmama]

Haven't read other replies.

 

My advice is to allow yourself to have your feelings about the news you heard.  Don't judge them.  Your emotional process sounds very normal to me.  They will likely fade if you just allow them to be for a time.  If not, then you might need some counseling or other support to process this, but you are so early on in this process that I think your strong feelings sound very normal.

 

(((hugs)))  I don't think that not having feelings in the face of something unsettling/unknown/potentially scary is something that is a typical reaction, so, in short, you are having a normal reaction.

 

Also, I find the uncertain more anxiety-provoking than actual bad news.  As a person who needs to research, plan and act, it makes me crazy to sit and wait. 

[mommymonster]

I wouldn't say that other people are dealing without emotions; they just aren't necessarily sharing them with you. It's an important distinction. 

 

We have had two tremendously difficult years with my son. If you want his diagnosis, I can pm it. Long story short, the very real question of whether he would live was asked relatively frequently. I am an ISTJ, a lawyer, and a thinker. Here's how I got through the day:

 

1. Automate your life as much as possible. Get a gardener, housekeeper, auto-bill pay, whatever it is to keep things moving forward (that you can afford). 

2. Plan ahead for the worst case scenario. Every time we have an MRI, I stockpile food weeks beforehand and put stuff in the freezer. I make sure my DS7 has places where he can go for play dates or overnights if we end up in the hospital. Automate home school stuff. Get videos and books to read. That stuff. 

3. Have an ER bag packed and stuffed in the closet. This sounds stupid, perhaps, but was a lifesaver for us. We had extra clothes, some toys, food for the parent staying the night. Yours would obviously be different, or perhaps not even applicable, but it does go towards being prepared. 

4. Work out as hard as you can, given your circumstances. I was the parent of the sick kid, so a bit different than your situation. I am a sedentary soul by nature, but the years we were dealing with medical crisis after crisis, I ran a half marathon, biked a century, and did high-impact mixed martial arts three times a week. Anything you can do to work off steam will help.

5. Don't think ahead. All you have to do is get through the next 24 hours. Or if that is too long, the next hour. Or the next 15 minutes. Whatever chunk of time you can deal with, that's your measuring stick.

6. Learn about the possible diagnosis. Read up on everything you can. Who are the best doctors? Where do you go for second opinions? What is the normal course of treatment. Knowing as much as you can helps so things aren't as much of a surprise. Your doctors will make recommendations, but you ultimately run the show. 

 

I hope it's not so bad, or even better than that. 

[Halftime Hope]

I have no advice, just hugs and the best wishes for you.  Waiting stinks, so I'll pray that you will find ways to fill the time in a soul satisfying way, even though you have to wait. 

[Meriwether]

:grouphug: When I was waiting for biopsy results this summer, I had to think about the worst case scenario and then talk it over with a friend who works from home at night.  The nights were the worst, because I wasn't busy with other things.  My friend was a good person to talk to because she was neither too practical (Mom and Dh: 24 hours after being told I might have cancer, Dh asked me if I was okay.  I told him that I was worried and couldn't stop thinking about it.  He looked at me like this :huh:  for three minutes and then said, "Oh, your test results?  You're going to be okay.") nor too sentimental (Dsister: What am I going to do if you die?)  I don't have any real advice, but in my extremely limited experience facing the possibilities and talking about them helped.  I'm sorry you are going through this. :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

[creekland]

I woke up with a headache this morning... that really doesn't help right now, but it should go away with the Ibuprofen I took.  (All other headaches have.)

 

So, perhaps due to the extra "headache induced" emotions, Hive, you're it.  I am going to share and anyone choosing to read this thread can pray/hope/follow as they choose. No offense, but I don't think I'm doing this for you.  I think I need an outlet.  So far my mom knows and hubby knows.  Youngest does too, but as mentioned before, he doesn't care (not bad - he's just borderline aspie and can't feel emotions - even when 5 kids from school died in a car accident two years ago).  The only thing I ask is that IF you are close enough to know my area, don't spread anything.  You KNOW we're in a relatively small town area and between hubby and I (me in high school, him with his Civil Engineering) we are fairly known.  I honestly don't want this known locally - not yet anyway.  I, for one, am still hoping for these being unnecessary emotions and that all will turn out "not so bad." If so, the extent of these emotions will seem silly. I do wish I could just stoically go through this time and find out the facts - then figure out whether it's worth the emotions or not - but right now - esp with this morning's headache, I'm giving up that hope.

 

I went to JH to see if a vision issue could be corrected, and if so, at what cost since we are part of a health sharing community (Samaritan Ministries) and vision issues aren't covered.  The issue?  I've been seeing double when looking to the left and down.  My sight is fine to the right and up.  Both eyes appear to work fine individually (close one and all is normal) - they just don't track together to the left/down.  I asked about it a bit (no dr, but those with medical knowledge - remember those connections) and was told it was likely to be a muscle issue inside the eye.  Over time it never got better or worse and since it doesn't affect my life too much, I didn't worry about it.  At this point, it's been about a year and a half since I first noticed "something" and a little over a year before I pinpointed exactly what it was.  I know, the pinpointing part sounds crazy (wouldn't you KNOW if you were seeing double?). But the head naturally corrects to look at things singly.  I live mostly outside in the summer.  I knew there was something "not right" from spring (sometime) until the following school year started.  In school one really does walk on the right sides of the hallway - even as a teacher - and I was able to quickly pinpoint that I was seeing two of people and things on the left.  Later I also figured out the "down" part - when I go down stairs I can't see the depth perception until I "really" look down - again - turning the head more than normal.

 

It sounds bad, I suppose, but overall, it isn't so bad.  I can still drive (when turning to the left I close one eye to see one road to turn on.  I am willing to live with it as is.  But when the economy turned around and we had a little more $$ I wanted to see IF it could be fixed. I couldn't find an ophthalmologist locally that I wanted to try, so I just opted to make the appt with JH itself.  We're paying, so it's no big deal.  My condition had stayed the same (as best I can tell) for over a year.  I was not worried.  Either way it went I could live with it.

 

The appt. was Thursday and I was given an unexpected "choice c."  My eyes are fine.  There is no muscle problem (ultrasound confirmed absolutely nothing wrong with either eye).  There is the double vision problem (confirmed - this is not just in my imagination).  There is "something" behind the left eye not allowing it full movement.  I need a follow up appt with a specialist (who took a quick look and confirmed it was in his realm) to see what that "something" is.

 

When discussing finances, he assured me this is now 100% a medical issue and not a vision issue.  A quick call to Samaritans confirmed that this is covered, so I guess that's the good news.  We don't have to be concerned about the $$ any longer.

 

But my worry is what that "something" is.  They gave no clues.  I am not a doctor.

 

So, when I type it all out... it seems ridiculous to be so stressed over it all.  I remind myself that I've had this for over a year without change, so whatever that "something" is, it's not growing/changing in a bad way. It will be fine.  It may, or may not, be something fixable.  I can live with it either way - just like I had planned before.

 

Then there were the other questions (asked in the exam).  Any car accidents/falls, etc?  No.  Any headaches? Yeah, a few, but nothing out of ordinary.  Define ordinary.  Oh, one every couple of weeks I suppose - they always go away with Ibuprofen.  Are these migraines?  No.  Any allergies?  No.  When the specialist came in, the first doc made sure to mention the headaches...

 

And then we're sent home told to call in the morning for the next appt (it was late, so they couldn't do the appt there - staff had left).

 

My brain can't drop it.  On the way home hubby and I discussed many of the things it could possibly be.  There's the obvious (really bad one), but seriously, wouldn't that have gotten worse in all this time?  Or are the headaches something showing it is getting worse?  I don't have headaches daily or even weekly (but naturally, one HAD to come this morning).  I suspect I have them 2 - 3 times per month.  That doesn't seem out of the ordinary to me - not for my age anyway.  Of course, I never used to have any... but...

 

What other options are there?  Youngest thinks some sort of fatty deposit.  Maybe.  Aneurism was brought up.  Would it have lasted this long if that were it?  I don't know.  Something from an injury?  What injury?  I had a sledding accident that put me in the hospital when I was 9, but this is a long time from that.  Then, vaguely, my mind remembered part of one time in the barn with the ponies (we raise ponies).  I recall being in a stall with hubby and a pony and something happened that I got clocked a bit.  I don't remember specifics, but I do remember hubby asking if I was ok.  I think a pony hit me with its head. We were probably grooming and it was likely a youngster- unpredictable.  I stood there for a bit (like one does when one gets a sharp blow) and it all seemed to get better, so neither of us thought anything of it - until now.  Now I'm hoping that was the injury... causing "something."  In reality?  I don't know.  I can't place the time of that incident (seriously, it wasn't anything that major since all "feelings" went away - sort of a "walk it off" thing).  I never had any black and blue issues out of it or otherwise noticeable immediate affects (including vision).  But I don't know if I would have noticed anything right away.  If I had to guess I'd say it was too recent to be the cause, but I honestly don't know.

 

Otherwise, it's all unknown at this point.

 

On the "fear factor" side, I do know two people who have since passed away with brain cancer.  One was the janitor at our school. She had three weeks from diagnosis to death.  She went to get checked out due to headaches.  I don't have headaches that badly (do I?) and if it had only taken 3 weeks (or months) I wouldn't be typing this to you.  The other was a youngster some years back (when we lived in FL).  He was fine at one birthday (11th I believe) and dead by 12th.  Again, I wouldn't be typing this.  Then there was Kalanmak.

 

So can I rule that out?  I hope so, but yeah, I don't know.  Mine isn't getting worse.  Or is it and I just don't know it?  If I'm honest, the headaches probably are more frequent, but many of my age group talk of headaches, or at least it seems that way.

 

The headache this morning did not help the emotions (it's gone now - thanks Ibuprofen).

 

I'm hoping/praying for it to be something due to that pony incident - or anything else "not so bad."  I'm perfectly content living with my vision the way it is.  I am kind of regretting making that first appt rather than just living with it.  Too late for that.

 

Hubby and I are empty nesters by this time next year.  We'd been talking a ton about options for what we want to do with the rest of our lives together.  Anything related to my vision/eye were never part of any of those conversations. That hits me the most emotionally - when I think about any of those options.  It's a sadness more than a fear, but I guess a sadness built on fear.  This may be why I can't let it drop even when I remind myself that so many people have to deal with so much worse and they do it.  Why can't I?

 

What I really, really want to be able to do is put it all out of my mind and only deal with it when I have to - and then we might have more answers and be able to make plans accordingly.  But I don't seem to be able to do it.  So my second preference would be to be able to talk about it without becoming a basket case.  This thread helps there (why I'm doing it).  Each time I come to the thread it opens the emotions, but each time they've been toned down some - except this morning with the headache, but even after typing I feel better and more "in control."

 

So yeah, this thread is more for me, but if anyone wants to hope/pray alongside - or offer more intelligent possibilities to hope for, I'm game. I very much appreciate the "emotion control" suggestions that have been offered - esp remembering to breathe and relax muscles.  Staying busy helps too.  Unfortunately, my mind still can return to this at the drop of a hat, but hopefully in a few more days that won't be happening - unless the headaches continue (sigh).

 

 

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

 

 

 a positive story;

 I personally know a lady who had a benign tumor in her head (brain). It was removed successfully and she was absolutely fine. she was around 30 when it was found/removed. That was about 15 years ago. She is still fine.

[snowbeltmom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

.  

[bolt.]

Your emotions are neither silly nor unnessisary -- they are how normal and proportional to the uncertainty. If if this gets sorted out later, that won't "go back in time" to make the uncertain time not-have-happened.

 

It's not a matter of who is dealing with "worse" you are you, and dealing with this "something" is what you are going to be doing. Your decisions just rest in the "how" of the dealing with it. You are dealing with it. You are having emotions as part of how you are dealing with it. That's part of the "dealing with it" deal.

[MBM]

About two years ago, I was extremely stressed out for about a year. When I'd go to sleep, I would find myself with my eyes closed but my mind fully awake sometimes for the whole night. What helped, was to lie down during the day, find a YouTube channel playing wind chimes (which I find calming) and just listen. When my mind would start to ruminate about the past or catastrophize about the future -- which it often would -- I just brought myself back to the sound of the wind chimes. Training myself to stay in the present helped a lot.

 

One thing you could do now, is to start researching and eating a ketogenic diet (mostly healthy fats, the right amount of protein -- not an excess -- and some carbs that are nutrient dense)  while also practicing some calorie restriction such as intermittent fasting or even fasting for periods of time. This diet is being used as an adjuvant therapy for brain cancer. Thomas Seyfried, a professor at Boston College, is an expert on this. Here is an article that is short and easy to read:

 

http://www.bottomlinepublications.com/content/article/health-a-healing/starve-cancer-to-death-with-the-ketogenic-diet

 

You want to keep your blood sugar levels on the healthy low side. Get a glucose monitor and start observing how your body reacts to what you eat. Take a measurement first thing in the morning, 45" to an hour after eating, then 2 hours after eating. I do this with my goal being to stay below 140, trying to stay as healthy-low as possible. Initially, don't do too much exercise after eating but if you find that you're going above or close to 140, go for a brisk walk for about 15" and then test yourself. The exercise will use some of that blood sugar and bring your levels down.

 

Another person who writes about cancer therapies is Ralph Moss.

 

Last of all, in regard to brain cancer treatments, many good things are going on at Johns Hopkins, this year especially.

 

I hope you will find peace of mind soon.

 

((((( )))))

[Halftime Hope]

Creekland, just a quick thought. 

 

The emotions aren't just fear for the unknown future, they also are your mourning the loss of health, in whatever form that takes (which is unknown yet).  We all mourn that loss.  For ourselves when it comes, and now as your virtual friends, we mourn it with you, even though we don't know what form, exactly, this will take, nor how long it will last. 

 

Thank you for letting us walk this path with you. 

 

 

 

 

[bolt.]

Another mental image that could help: you don't nessisarily "control" emotions. It's more like you "herd" them to make them less inconvenient.

[Luckymama]

:grouphug:

 

My sister has been living with an aneurism for more than five years. She gets checked every so often, can't take certain meds, and can't ride roller coasters any more. It hasn't changed size in that time---the doctors think she may have had it for a very long time---but still, she lives with the knowledge.

[chiguirre]

:grouphug:

 

I honestly don't think you have to worry about a fast growing brain tumor based on what you wrote. Perhaps you could give yourself an afternoon alone to cry it out. I find that a nice private wallow in misery gets it out of my system for a while and it's easier to be calm, cool and collected around other people. Could you move up the appointment because, for me, the not knowing would be vastly more stressful than even dealing with bad news?

 

I'll be thinking about you.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Creekland, I have no advice, only  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: . You've gotten so much good advice here; I hope something has helped you. I also have a friend whose sister has lived with a benign brain growth for years now, and she functions pretty much normally, though she has regular doctor's appts to monitor it. 

 

I'll be thinking of you. I hope venting here has relieved some of the pressure. 

 

:grouphug:

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))  Thank you for sharing your journey with us.  I will walk with you in prayer for healing.

 

I did know someone (friend of a friend) who had a brain tumor which was not cancerous.  It was operable, and he is fine.  That was a good ten years ago.

 

When I went through a health scare about six years ago, it changed me.  Some of the changes remain.  My symptoms are something I live with every day, but like yours, they are more annoying or bothersome than painful or debilitating.  I never got any concrete answers from the specialists I saw or the testing I had done.  Some scary things were ruled out, and I have had to learn to live with the not knowing.  Some things are just not knowable.  I no longer worry, though at the time I was in a sheer panic thinking of the "what ifs".  I remember that.

 

Continue to talk about it.  You have essentially been through a trauma, and pieces of the emotional trauma are released as you share your story.  It doesn't matter who you share it with.  The Hive or kindly strangers in the waiting rooms of doctor's offices will do just fine until you want to share more with those closer to you.  People who know me don't know I have any sort of medical/physical issue.  That is a blessing, as is your situation, because we get to choose who we share with.  I have found that in the years since my symptoms started, I don't really care to mention it anymore so I rarely do.  To avoid mystery and because I don't mind sharing, my feet tingle constantly to varying degrees.  Sometimes  I don't even notice (most of the time because I am busy), but if I stop and am quiet, it is there.  I am not in pain, and it has not gotten worse in the six years I have had it.  I can live this way just fine.  The scarier stuff got ruled out (mostly, as much as docs can) a long time ago.

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers.  (((hugs)))

[Meriwether]

:grouphug:, Creekland.  You do have some big questions that need answers.  It may turn out to be nothing bad, but that doesn't change the fact that you are uncertain now.  I had an aunt and cousin die from brain cancer (mother and son).  My cousin went in to get checked when he started getting headaches, since he had a family history.  I only saw him a couple of times in that time period, but his headaches were bad - not take some pain relief and feel better headaches. Is it possible that the headaches are cause by the eye trouble (or even the strain on your eye from trying to correct the double vision) but that the trouble is not a tumor?

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Murphy101]

The general trite advice:

 

Rest

Eat well

Stay active (I don't think it matters if its exercise or not tho, just don't dwell in your bedroom sobbing in your pillow, kwim? Go DO something. Dishes, a walk, doesn't matter.)

 

Aside from that, what makes you think people are dealing without emotions? What does an "emotional" you look like?

 

I doubt anyone knows when I've been my worst emotionally unless they live here and even then it's easy enough to ignore it. I'm not a public crier. Even with my husband.

 

An emotional me is quiet, tired but not sleeping, cranky, hyper focused on what I can do (my house is very clean when I'm emotional and my week will be extra well planned), and I seek "escape" activities (let's watch a fun movie together tonight instead of board games).

 

To combat it, I try to actively not do what I'm inclined towards. Screw the dishes, let's go to the zoo. Stay in living areas if the house instead of my bedroom. Speak up. "Listen, I'm feeling like crap today and having a rough time getting a grip. I'm working on it, really, but if you could cut me some slack and help me out, I'd really appreciate it." Even a 5 year old can understand the concept of someone having a bad day and needing a little extra mercy.

 

Long term? That's a bit trickier. But for those especially difficult days? That's what I do.

 

I hope it all turns out okay for you.

 

(((Hugs)))

[duckens]

 

What tips do any of y'all have for controlling emotions?

 

Function while you need to, but set aside time to cry later.  Crying (and feeling those emotions) does have its time and place.  It is destructive to not allow this.

 

If you don't have a safe place to cry at the house, leave the kids with someone else, go to a cemetery and cry.  I've found that if one is crying in a cemetery (compared to other public places), people tend to leave you alone.  It's sad that I know this, but has been a helpful survival mechanism at some very bad times of my life.

 

I wish you strength and wisdom with whatever you are facing.  :grouphug: 

[Miss Mousie]

Remember, too, that docs have to investigate the worst case scenario, both for your protection and theirs.  Kind of like going all the way to the end of the cul-de-sac and turning around before you can get to the right house.

 

I think it may be a good sign that your next appt is a ways off.  I'd be more concerned if they wanted to see you again first thing Monday morning.

 

More hugs to you, Creekland.  I know the waiting and not-knowing is excruciating, and the way every little poke and twitch is suddenly very sinister.  You've gotten many good suggestions above for ways to manage the churning; I hope you find many workable ways to keep yourself sane while you're on this road.

 

Sending you hope and positivity and still more hugs!

[Meriwether]

I think it may be a good sign that your next appt is a ways off.  I'd be more concerned if they wanted to see you again first thing Monday morning.

I agree with this, too. The friend I talked to is a medical transcriptionist. This is pretty much what she said to me.

[Laurie4b]

I am assuming from your participation in Samaritan's ministries that you are a Christian. If I've made a mistake, you can ignore. I'll share these from my own experience with cancer. (BTW, just because people are sharing experiences with cancer doesn't portend anything in your case. I know it's easy to feel that when you're in uncertainty.)

 

First of all, the period of not knowing/waiting is hardest because you're presented with several scenarios (good news, bad news, kinda bad news) and you can't "go" with any of them or adjust.

 

Some people need to handle the worst case scenario to have peace. If that is the case with you, go ahead and go there. All the angst may be about keeping yourself from going there. So if it did turn out to be worst case scenario, how would you handle it? For me, I had settled that issue years before during a spurt of worrying. Basically, it is all set right in the end. A disease cannot do ultimate harm. We are all healed, every tear is wiped away. In this life, pain is made into pearls, ashes turned into beauty in this life. He suffered for us, He suffers with us, He died to conquer death and make a future without suffering. Just before my breast cancer diagnosis, I had read on a friend's Facebook: If Christ is raised, nothing else matters; and if Christ is not raised, nothing else matters. That was a very helpful way for me to hear a long-held Christian truth for me. So if you need to go to worst case scenario, do it. Just don't stay there. Write down how you will cope with it so that your brain can leave it there. You can go back and read it if you need to instead of spinning it over and over in your head. Another practical tip since it sounds like your worst case scenario is brain cancer: there is a book called Anti-cancer: a New Way of Life. It's got great tips in it that healthy people can apply. It was written by a doctor who got brain cancer and beat the odds for many, many, many years.

 

The other thing that helped me was living within a trio of verses:  Matt 6: ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Lamentations 3Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,    for his compassions never fail.²³ They are new every morning;    great is your faithfulness.

Ps 68: Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,    who daily bears our burdens.

 

Stick to today. In today, He is with you, bearing your burden. In today, He gives you new mercy and compassions, renewed every morning. You are given the strength for today, not for tomorrow. This was really helpful to not anticipate what was to come, but to just handle that day. And many days, even through chemo, etc. were JUST FINE. They would not have been if I was anticipating what would be coming tomorrow, or next week. (Especially true of chemo when one knows the pattern.)

 

Sticking to today means that you don't lose precious days. Today, you have whatever you have: enjoying your son at home, enjoying the weather, the company of your husband, etc. Don't lose out on those blessings worrying about an outcome that may never happen. And even if the outcome is your worst case scenario, you don't want to have thrown precious healthy days of your life away before hand. SAVOR each day. Every one of us should do that.

 

Practical tip on reducing the wait time. Find out when the doctor you will be seeing has his/her clinic day for the kind of evaluation you will need. Then call in the late afternoon the day before  that day and on Monday mornings to see if there has been a cancellation. (Mondays because people can decide things over the weekends and call.) You increase your chances of picking up an earlier appointment that way.

 

Practical tip: stay OFF the internet. Let all your info come from doctors. Or let a friend research so you have answers when you need them (not as she finds them)

 

Lastly, tell some friends IRL. You each need a support system--you need one and your dh needs one.  Supporting each other can be hard because you may have put it out of your mind when your husband wants to talk about fears and vice versa. It's so very helpful for each of you to have an outlet.

 

 

[creekland]

:grouphug:

 

 

 a positive story;

 I personally know a lady who had a benign tumor in her head (brain). It was removed successfully and she was absolutely fine. she was around 30 when it was found/removed. That was about 15 years ago. She is still fine.

Thank you for this - a benign tumor that can either stay there without issue or be removed successfully is high on my list of "not so bad" wishes. It's nice to know there have been some of those.

 

About two years ago, I was extremely stressed out for about a year. When I'd go to sleep, I would find myself with my eyes closed but my mind fully awake sometimes for the whole night. What helped, was to lie down during the day, find a YouTube channel playing wind chimes (which I find calming) and just listen. When my mind would start to ruminate about the past or catastrophize about the future -- which it often would -- I just brought myself back to the sound of the wind chimes. Training myself to stay in the present helped a lot.

 

One thing you could do now, is to start researching and eating a ketogenic diet (mostly healthy fats, the right amount of protein -- not an excess -- and some carbs that are nutrient dense)  while also practicing some calorie restriction such as intermittent fasting or even fasting for periods of time. This diet is being used as an adjuvant therapy for brain cancer. Thomas Seyfried, a professor at Boston College, is an expert on this. Here is an article that is short and easy to read:

 

http://www.bottomlinepublications.com/content/article/health-a-healing/starve-cancer-to-death-with-the-ketogenic-diet

 

You want to keep your blood sugar levels on the healthy low side. Get a glucose monitor and start observing how your body reacts to what you eat. Take a measurement first thing in the morning, 45" to an hour after eating, then 2 hours after eating. I do this with my goal being to stay below 140, trying to stay as healthy-low as possible. Initially, don't do too much exercise after eating but if you find that you're going above or close to 140, go for a brisk walk for about 15" and then test yourself. The exercise will use some of that blood sugar and bring your levels down.

 

Another person who writes about cancer therapies is Ralph Moss.

 

Last of all, in regard to brain cancer treatments, many good things are going on at Johns Hopkins, this year especially.

 

I hope you will find peace of mind soon.

 

((((( )))))

Thank you for your whole post.  I know I've read threads where some people don't like hearing the "this works for me" advice whether diet or "plan" or whatever, but I'm not at all in that group.  I prefer to know (or hear about) all possible options and then try some as they appeal and make decisions for what is working for me.  I'm open to diet options - and activity options.  Specifically to this, diabetes runs in both sides of my family so I've known for a while that I really need to watch what I eat.  Fortunately, I'm not fond of most sweets, so giving those up is not a problem.  Saying "no thank you" to a donut is never a struggle for me.  I've yet to read the article you've linked (because I'm catching up here first), but I will get to it right after this.  It sounds intriguing - and something I'd like.

 

With regards to the wind chimes... back when I was 11 my parents went through a nasty divorce.  My sister and I were sitting in court and my mind fixed on the EXIT sign, except I kept repeating TIXE (exit spelled backwards) over and over to keep my mind from going crazy.  I still do that in stressful situations - even without a lit sign.  It's interesting what the brain picks up to cope.

 

Creekland, just a quick thought. 

 

The emotions aren't just fear for the unknown future, they also are your mourning the loss of health, in whatever form that takes (which is unknown yet).  We all mourn that loss.  For ourselves when it comes, and now as your virtual friends, we mourn it with you, even though we don't know what form, exactly, this will take, nor how long it will last. 

 

Thank you for letting us walk this path with you. 

 

(You can PM me if you missed the episode in which I changed board names.)

 

I did, indeed, miss the board name change things.  This summer we were quite busy with oldest's wedding and fitting in family visits, etc.  My board time was sporadic and when I was on, what I could read was also sporadic.

 

:grouphug:, Creekland.  You do have some big questions that need answers.  It may turn out to be nothing bad, but that doesn't change the fact that you are uncertain now.  I had an aunt and cousin die from brain cancer (mother and son).  My cousin went in to get checked when he started getting headaches, since he had a family history.  I only saw him a couple of times in that time period, but his headaches were bad - not take some pain relief and feel better headaches. Is it possible that the headaches are cause by the eye trouble (or even the strain on your eye from trying to correct the double vision) but that the trouble is not a tumor?

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

The headaches are not caused by the vision issues.  From the beginning I thought they would be, but I've never gotten one even when I force myself to look at the double vision for extended periods of time.  Other than that, I personally agree that I saw nothing connecting the headaches to whatever this might be - until the questioning and the first doc being sure to pass that tidbit of info to the specialist.  I had a roomie in college who got migraines.  These are not that - no light or sound issues with them.  They are annoying and can cause me to feel nauseous, but they aren't awful.  Today is only the third time I've had one upon waking up.  Usually they set in during the day (no set discernible time or reason that I can tell).  They used to go away if I went to sleep.  The last time I tried it, it only got worse.  They do go away with Ibuprofen - though I took a second dose a little bit ago because this one came back (I would think due to stress).  I've never needed a second dose before.

 

To all - thanks...  I really, really appreciate it and it IS helping to "talk" about it.  I was even able to spend an hour and a half or so talking about it in depth with hubby while we did chores this morning - with little basket-case-ness popping up.  It felt good.

 

Oh, I meant to quote the pp who asked what "emotional" meant to me.  It means crying.  I hate crying.  I can deal with tons of other things without issues, but I hate when the emotions well up inside so much that I can't control the crying.  That's what I want to stop - or direct.  I can't fathom being at school and bursting into tears...  I don't want to do that at JH either.  I want to just be able to "deal" with this.

[creekland]

I think it may be a good sign that your next appt is a ways off.  I'd be more concerned if they wanted to see you again first thing Monday morning.

 

I suppose this isn't the right time to add that I required the next appt to be after a trip we have planned with the boys - in Oct.

 

BUT no one was urging us to come in the next day or to stay then...

 

The appt could have been earlier.  Their first suggestion was earlier.

 

I am assuming from your participation in Samaritan's ministries that you are a Christian. ...

 

Some people need to handle the worst case scenario to have peace....

 

Practical tip: stay OFF the internet. Let all your info come from doctors. Or let a friend research so you have answers when you need them (not as she finds them)

 

Lastly, tell some friends IRL. You each need a support system--you need one and your dh needs one.  Supporting each other can be hard because you may have put it out of your mind when your husband wants to talk about fears and vice versa. It's so very helpful for each of you to have an outlet.

Yes, Christian...

 

Hubby and I have talked about any possible scenario either of us could think about.  Doing that is 100% natural for us - even when we've seen a TV show or movie and pretend we were in that situation, so doing it now just seemed "normal."  That doesn't usually cause me emotional distress except when the feeling sweeps across that "it's real" this time.  Today we talked a bit more about it - the plan if A, the plan if B, etc.  I do happen to have the best hubby in the world (sorry everyone, but you missed out).  He's a definite gem and I know I'll be able to count on him for anything.

 

I can't stay off the internet... I just need to know anything I can about anything.  It gives me less fear to know more, not more.  I also don't see myself as any doctor's adversary (thinking I know more, etc).  Rather, I see any professional relationship as a "friendship" trying for the same goal - just with one person far more experienced than the other.  (I feel the same way teaching in school - the kids and I are after the same goal (theoretically) and I'm helping them get there - if I'm at a place where they work, the positions change, but the friendship and similar goal stuff stays.)  I don't do well in any situation where the other person likes to elevate themselves in a superiority complex.  I've met this specialist and I don't think that is going to be the case.  I've had other doctors I don't care to return to for that reason, but they aren't all that way no more than all DMV workers or police officers - or teachers - are that way.  Anyway,  I mainly want to know more so I understand more when they say something.  I've already looked up CT scans and more on the anatomy of the head...  I don't need scare stories.  I need to be informed.

 

IRL hubby and I have decided that IF we have a major problem, we will let some inner circle folks completely in.  We still prefer to keep it mostly out until then.  We don't need (or want) gossip or pity or whatever.  If we tell one, plenty will know.  That's just how it works in small towns.  It'll be great IF the need is there. I know there are tons of folks we can both count on no matter what sort of help we would need.  I just only want to "use" it if necessary and right now I'm hoping it is not - or at least - until we know the extent of the need.

[creekland]

One thing you could do now, is to start researching and eating a ketogenic diet (mostly healthy fats, the right amount of protein -- not an excess -- and some carbs that are nutrient dense)  while also practicing some calorie restriction such as intermittent fasting or even fasting for periods of time. This diet is being used as an adjuvant therapy for brain cancer. Thomas Seyfried, a professor at Boston College, is an expert on this. Here is an article that is short and easy to read:

 

http://www.bottomlinepublications.com/content/article/health-a-healing/starve-cancer-to-death-with-the-ketogenic-diet

 

You want to keep your blood sugar levels on the healthy low side. Get a glucose monitor and start observing how your body reacts to what you eat. Take a measurement first thing in the morning, 45" to an hour after eating, then 2 hours after eating. I do this with my goal being to stay below 140, trying to stay as healthy-low as possible. Initially, don't do too much exercise after eating but if you find that you're going above or close to 140, go for a brisk walk for about 15" and then test yourself. The exercise will use some of that blood sugar and bring your levels down.

 

Read the article - thanks again for the info.  If necessary, that's definitely a route I'm willing to go.  I have it bookmarked - just in case.

 

FWIW, cancer is the one thing that DOES NOT run in my family so I'm still hoping the "something" is "something else."  We have diabetes and heart disease/strokes, etc on both sides.  Isn't that enough to worry about?  ;)

[Garga]

The past two years I've been terribly sad. I cry about 1-2 times a week. Never did that before. At first I fought it very hard. But I learned that finding somewhere private and letting the tears come out is necessary. They build and build and have to come out. I would rather they come out when I'm alone and not with an audience. I've learned to let them out sooner rather than later. When I'm worn out from the tears and they've run their course, I do feel better for a time.

 

You can't cry at school, I understand that. But when you're home, go ahead and indulge. So far I've yet to cry in front of anyone being that I let them out when I'm alone.

 

Other than that, the only way I can deal with strong emotions is to acknowledge them and let myself feel them for a while. For a small example, when I first became a corporate trainer (like a teacher, but for coworkers) I would get terribly nervous before each class. If I tried to tell myself I wasn't nervous or tried to distract myself, it never helped. But if I said to myself, "I am so so so nervous! I feel sick and horrible right now!" I would feel the tiniest bit better. I didn't tell the students that I was nervous. I just acknowledged it for myself and allowed myself to feel it.

[bolt.]

 

 

I hate when the emotions well up inside so much that I can't control the crying.  That's what I want to stop - or direct.  I can't fathom being at school and bursting into tears...  I don't want to do that at JH either.  I want to just be able to "deal" with this.

Crying for a thinker... 7 reasons that it's kind of like throwing up.

 

1. Nobody likes it.

2. You can tell inside just how close to the brink you are.

3. It's better to do it in private than in public, and (for some) alone is best of all.

4. Generally, once you know it's coming, there's a "better out than in" effect.

5. Mostly, it actually doesn't take that long.

6. Mostly, people feel a little better afterwards, than they felt when they were holding it down.

7. It's a built in system to release 'bad stuff' from an inside place where it does harm, and then carry on without it -- like a pressure relief valve. The system is there for a reason, and it shouldn't be suppressed. Things like this are the reason.

 

(8. If you manage to keep it down long enough, it will dwell inside you, move on to a different system, and come out as... )

[Word Nerd]

Don't be afraid of the tears if they come. As another poster advised on a post I made several weeks ago about my own health waiting game, "let the monster out of the closet." Acknowledging my fears and talking about them with DH helped.

[Rosie_0801]

Aromatherapy is hardly an exact science, but it can help a little to tweak moods. You have to try before you buy though, because not every essential oil works the same way on everyone. Lavender is supposed to relax people, and I think it is quite nice, unless I'm trying to sleep. If I'm trying to sleep, it annoys me. For night I used to use majorum oil, for day time, mandarin.

[Little Nyssa]

If I felt as uncomfortable and worried as you are, I would want the appointment to be very soon.  I would call and change it.  

:grouphug: 

[Serenade]

If I felt as uncomfortable and worried as you are, I would want the appointment to be very soon.  I would call and change it.  

:grouphug:

 

 

I am wondering why they couldn't fit in a sooner appointment.  Maybe they don't really think it's something urgent? (That would be good news!)

 

Honestly, this is my biggest issue with the medical system, and perhaps my biggest fear, too -- the endless waiting to find out what may be wrong.    I know I would be obsessing in Creekland's position, too.    Seems to me it would be humane for them to schedule another appointment as quickly as possible.

[creekland]

If I felt as uncomfortable and worried as you are, I would want the appointment to be very soon.  I would call and change it.  

:grouphug:

 

I wanted the appt later.  We have an already planned trip to the beach (with middle and youngest) and visiting colleges (with youngest) in Oct and I'd rather not have any news before we go.

 

Good news will still be good news when we return.  Bad news would seriously affect the trip.  I'm thinking the odds look good for the "not so bad" to be true, but I didn't want to take the chance.  I plan to enjoy this trip.  The appt is the week after we get back.

 

I can't complain about "the wait."  Their original suggestion was an earlier date.

 

[gardenmom5]

this is going to sound bizarre - but it helps me.  good nutrition, and a yeast cleanse if I am being overly emotional.   even if I'm going through something that is "understandably emotional", If i'm more emotional than normal, it can be an indicator I need to do a yeast cleanse.

 

probiotic support.

[creekland]

this is going to sound bizarre - but it helps me.  good nutrition, and a yeast cleanse if I am being overly emotional.   even if I'm going through something that is "understandably emotional", If i'm more emotional than normal, it can be an indicator I need to do a yeast cleanse.

 

probiotic support.

Good nutrition is something my body/brain definitely wants right now.  Anything we sometimes rotate into our diet that I don't consider healthy just doesn't seem appealing to me when I think about it.

 

I'll admit to getting ready to google "yeast cleanse."  ;)  Thanks for the suggestion.

 

I THINK I'm over the emotional part of it all now.  I was able to "play" around with my sight this morning in bed and figure out more of what I can, and can't do without any sort of fear or tearing up - just mentally cataloging "the facts."  I did learn that when looking down I can't do anything (short of closing one eye) to see normally.  I never actually knew that before, but when lying in bed looking at my alarm clock over my feet, I never could get just one image no matter how hard I tried.  I know I can't do stairs safely without closing one eye, going slowly, or hanging on to a bannister, but I never totally figured out why.  Stairs stretch out, so I think it's just difficult to see "two" images as one will be over the other.

 

Then of course, my brain told myself that if "down" is such a problem - and if the "something" is that direction, it's not exactly in the direction of the brain...  I hope that's good news.

 

I much, much prefer being able to consider all of these things without tears (or even a whole lot of fear).  I don't know if sharing on here - or time - or both is responsible for it, but I'm thankful that I have this outlet anyway.

 

It was tough not letting middle son in on it when he called last night.  He is so busy at college (works with freshmen, in a dance troupe, in ASL club, in a Christian club, works in a lab, and has 4 generally tougher classes - two of them with labs, one of those two is Orgo)... I really hate to put a burden on him, but our family is used to sharing everything.  I'm kind of torn.

[texasmama]

My personal opinion is that it is okay to not tell your middle son at this point.  It would be okay to tell him, as well, but it is not bad or wrong not to.  You know your kids best.  What may be making that decision more difficult is the fact that your youngest son knows.  But you told him for specific reasons, and you didn't tell middle son last night for specific reasons. Your reasons are solid.  What does dh think should be done regarding telling the other two sons?

[bolt.]

Perhaps you could say you've been "having some appointments about my eyes/ vision" -- a heads up, non-alarmist 'redaction' of the whole story, suitable for those that should probably know something, but don't need the stress of knowing/not knowing the whole (unknown) story.

[creekland]

Hubby is leaving all decisions up to me (except for strongly wanting me to call to get that second apt - which I did even though I didn't want to at the time - now I'm ok with it).

 

Middle son knows I had the double vision issue - just like everyone else, he thought it was a muscle problem. For a while I thought about getting it checked where he is (U Rochester also has an eye specialty place).  Instead I opted for JH since it's closer to here - thinking if it could be fixed, closer was better.

[mommymilkies]

:grouphug:   I think you've gotten some great advice here.  I just want to add in that I'm another one of those that seems terribly untroubled by stress on the outside, especially if you're not my kids (who definitely can tell with me). I'm someone who can go to a funeral or give bad news without a tear.  I'm a serious bottler and it's caused me some massive problems.  It did help when I worked hospice.  Putting up a strong front and staying calm under pressure is great in cases like that.  But that doesn't mean controlling your emotions is always ok.  I also will NOT cry in front of anyone.  When my cat died this summer (I know it sounds stupid to some people, but he was my best friend for 13 years), I totally lost it.  I cried for two weeks straight.  As in, through the night, through the day.  Dh thought I needed committed or something, it was so unlike me.  So I took a note from a book I read on "explosive children".  I now schedule my freak outs.  If it's scheduled, then it lets me set everything aside for the day, but still unbottle it before the pressure breaks.  When everyone is in bed, I stay up reading.  Once they are all asleep, I cry. Or not.  Sometimes I just don't need to.  It sounds pathetic, but it works.  It helps me keep calmer during the day. Not that everything is better, by any means, but it keeps me going.

 

I will also second the prescription for even something mild and short term.  Ativan would be only for extreme panic/anxiety attacks because it will zombiefy you.  Kloponin is a better choice.  An SSRI like Lexapro would be good if you're looking more long term, but it can take 4-8 weeks to feel improvement and the SSRI come down from discontinuation is really, really, really difficult.  Brain zaps and severe fatigue are common, so I would only choose that if this looks like more than a few months of appointments.  Xanax is good, too, if Kloponin is not an option, but I think last I read it should be more short term.  You can take Kloponin long term as it's not supposed to be addiction forming.  PM me if you need any more about this.  I don't want to push meds on you, but so many people only know Zoloft/Ativan.