Difficult situation with nephew. Should we tell what we know?

[maddykate]

This may seem like a no-brainer to some, but I am having a hard time determining the right course of action in this situation.

 

Long story, short....my 14 yo nephew (who has confided to my children that he is gay) has told my kids that he frequents a website called Omegle and has befriended many older guys and young men across the US. He has told them that if any of them tried to get him to meet them somewhere, he would go. He also said that one of the men/guys told him that if "comes out" to his parents and they give him a hard time, that he would buy nephew a plane ticket and set him up in an apartment somewhere. He has not told his parents that he is gay and swore my kids to secrecy when he told them, but they have told my dh and me. Nephew is extremely sneaky and does not have a good relationship with his parents (or any adults) at all, but spends time with my kids and confides in them, so that is how we know all of this. He has recently had his cellphone and iPod taken away, but he tries to find ways to call the men/guys to let them know why he is not able to text and chat.

 

I am scare silly for my nephew. I have a thousand different scenarios running through my mind about what could happen. Dh and I want to talk to his parents, but we don't exactly have the best relationship with them and have absolutely no idea how they will respond. Unless they handle this amazingly well, nephew will know my kids told on him and I feel he will lose all trust in everyone. He has no one else to talk to except these other men on this chat site.

 

Should we tell his parents and hope for the best? How should we proceed? Please help me think this through.

 

 

[Desert Strawberry]

I'd have a heart-to-heart with him myself before I'd tell his parents. I don't think tattling is going to go over well for anyone. If he feels threatened, he will run. < Voice of experience.

[violamama]

Does he trust you enough to promise to talk to you before doing anything rash?

 

Could you offer to put him up if things go south, and ask him to give you, say, 2 months of his life before he runs out in the untamed wilds if they do react poorly?

 

Poor kid. Tough world out there, no matter what you've got going on. Running off at 14... eek.

[ErinE]

Talk to your nephew now and build up the relationship. Say you've noticed he's been troubled lately (without mentioning the particulars). Let him know he has a safe haven with you and DH. Listen to him.

 

Lying and sneaking may be related to coping with his s*xuality and may not. Many teens go through an exploration stage, regardless of orientation.

 

My mother's best friend was my "no questions asked" person. I knew I could call and the friend would help me, without telling my parents. The best help you could provide is to be that person.

[mom2scouts]

Your nephew is in danger. A friend's brother just got 40 years in prison for using that site to abuse and extort teens, so I know there are predators looking for teens in his position. I think his parents need to know, but your should give him an opportunity to tell them himself.

[Swimtaxi234]

Your nephew is still a child and it sounds like he is prime for a predator. I agree that you should talk with him and tell him that your children were afraid for him so they shared his secret. Tell him that you will be there for him while he talks to his parents.

[Swimtaxi234]

The above posted before I could finish. I wanted to add that if you substituted this issue and considered a 14-year-old girl being contacted by adult predators, hopefully you would have the same reaction of this child needs to be protected during this confusing time.

[OrganicAnn]

There is an organization to help families of gay people. I think many people seek it out especially to find out more when they have a young person in their family who is gay. I think it is glaad? I'm sure it has resources and even a hot line where you could email or talk to people who are experienced in this area.

[trulycrabby]

Gosh, what a difficult situation.

 

So, as far as you know, he is only communicating with these men online-there have not been any in-person meetings?

 

I f everything is online, I would have a talk and try to get him to understand the danger he is putting himself in. And, I would try to help him find safer ways to meet other gay teens.

 

Would his parents accept and love a gay son?

[DawnM]

Ask yourself what you would do if he were a 14 year old girl contacting older men and doing the same reckless things......it isn't any different. It is dangerous. I would not be able to handle it if it were my nephew and he actually followed through on something like this.

 

Agreeing with those who say to talk to him first.

[gardenmom5]

I would tell. He is 14 - this is a saftey issue. there are people who troll those sites who are dangerous to naive kids. (and if he's frequently those sites, he's naive.) would you rather not say anything, he ran off with someone and then his parents found out you knew about this? what if he ended up dead?

[Murphy101]

I'd speak to his parents. They have the right to decide what is safest for their child and likely know him better than you.

 

I don't think it even matters that he is gay. Even without that, it sounds like he is really going through a rough patch (Which isn't terribly unusual at that age to begin with.) and he is being self destructive and easy prey, his parents need to know that pronto. That they be given the knowledge to protect him and guide him is far far more important than any worry about broken trust with younger cousins.

[Chris in VA]

Secrecy is an awful thing, ime.

I would talk to him, and I like what a pp said about telling him your kids came to you because they were scared.

I would give him information about that group, and I'd tell him to either tell his parents or you will. Maybe not about being gay, if he doesn't want to, but about putting himself in harm's way.

This would be hard for me, because I rt think it's his right to come out or not--but he won't even get the chance if he's dead somewhere.

I wish the people in my own family had not undermined my relationship with my son by keeping secrets, so that's where I am coming from. We could not work on a problem until there were severe consequences because everyone was afraid to break the secrecy.

Just to be clear, I am separating out the website and running away from the gay part.

[Melissa in Australia]

Is there a way to get professional advice? like speak to a police officer? or somehow let the boy know what grave danger he is playing with? ( I don't mean being gay, but the website). I would absolutely tell his parents, but I would possibly try to speak to the boy first

[Rivka]

It sounds like he's putting himself at risk because this is the only way he knows of to get support and validation for who he is. It's an extremely dangerous way, but I doubt he can easily be brought to properly regard the danger because his need for acceptance and validation is so strong. It's hard for teenagers to understand risks just in general, and your nephew probably feels desperate.

 

If I knew this boy, I would let him know that he has my full acceptance and support and always will. Then I would help him connect to safer and more appropriate forms of support - an LGBT youth group, a Metropolitan Community Church or Unitarian-Universalist church, some sort of teen-specific support network. I would not force him to come out to his parents before he's ready, but I would gently encourage him to.

 

The It Gets Better project might be a good place to start. It was founded for precisely this purpose: providing safe support to LGBT teens,

[clarkacademy]

I would go over the safety issue a far as the gay thing that is something for him to tell. I would never do something like that. I would talk to him and tell him you need to talk to his parents but again only on the safety issue the rest is his to share.

[Scarlett]

14 year boys are still very much children. My now son is 13....I cannot imagine my family or any friend I have keeping such troubling secrets from me.

 

This boy needs help. Sounds like the. Confiding in cousins is a cry for that help.

 

Be sure and let your children know they did the right thing by telling you and even if their cousin is angry it was still the right thing to do.

 

Same thing with you and the boys parents. If they choose to shoot the messenger that is on them.

[TammyinTN]

I would definitely sit down and have a chat with just him and then his parents. As a mom, I would definitely want to know what was happening with my child. This whole situation could be life threatening. I feel for you as it's a tough spot to be in. :grouphug:

[maddykate]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

Dh and I are struggling with knowing the best way to handle this situation. Just to clarify, we have no desire at all to tell his parents he is gay. Our only concern that we would discuss with his parents is that we feel it is so incredibly dangerous to be getting on these websites to chat and form relationships with random strangers. However, once they do any kind of research and if they really try to get to the bottom of what he has been doing, they will know that he is gay.

 

It is just so hard to know what to do. He is always welcome in my home and I will do what I can to help him, but he has such disdain for adults. He doesn't trust them at all, and I don't know how to do more for him except to let him keep confiding in my kids. The risk I am running there is that he is starting to tell them more than I want them to know at this point.

 

I am just so torn, because I know, as a parent, if it were my child, I would want to know.

 

Thanks again for your replies. We will continue to think about this and try to decide the best course of action.

[jeninok]

If there is a way you can cultivate a relationship with him I would try very hard, this boy sounds like he needs a safe place to fall, and going to the home of an Aunt and Uncle is much much preferable to being taken advantage of by adult predators. If you are worried at all that his parents might not accept his sexual orientation I would not out him to them, that would be devastating and might stop any chance you have of being a safe person for him. I would also do my best to let him know that I loved him no matter what, he was welcome in my home anytime, and that you were willing to advocate for him and keep him safe.

 

 

PFLAG has many many local chapters and might be able to help you with this, as would the UU church in your area.

 

We adopted our now 24 year old son when he was 14, for many of these same reasons, PM me if you want more personal experience or advice!

[swellmomma]

I would not go tell his parents right away. I would speak with nephew with a true heart to heart. That boy is screaming for attention anyway he can get it. Going to his parents will make him shut down completely when it comes to telling anyone anything and that scares me more than his stupidity online. His relationship with his parents will not get any better with this information coming to light. That's not to say I would never tell them. But I would reach out to him myself first. Often kids will open up to a trusted adult and heed their advice before they ever do so with their own parents. I know when we lived in the city I was that adult for the teens next door, and it helped them. I made it clear that I was not going to repeat everything to their mom BUT if I felt they were in danger I would not hesitate to do so. So in this case if he is strictly online and not sharing personal information with these guys I would not tell, but if I thought he had arrangements to meet up with someone, had been sharing personal information, etc I would tell immediately. But first you have to gauge the situation by talking to him yourself, and being upfront. You know this information and you are very worried. You can even say "I'm not your parent so I can not forbid you from doing this but ....." and then go into your concerns. I would also tell them that if he wants to talk about it you want him to talk to you and not your kids because they don't need to be privy to that stuff.

 

 

ETA: the teens that came to me also had a huge disdain for all adults. They felt that adults could not be trusted, would only "bust their balls" etc. It took time for them to see I could be trusted. That I was not out to micromanage their lives or tell them what to do. But rather to be a solid adult willing to sit and listen without judgement. That's not to say I didn't judge, I most certainly did. And I even did tell them what to do or not do. BUT at that point the trust had been built and they knew I wasn't just saying knock that off to be the grouchy adult out to ruin their fun, but because there was an actual concern. That's what you want with nephew. To build up that trust, and get to the point where he is willing to actually listen to what you have to say.

[jeninok]

Having spend a lot of time with teenage boys with our older boy, and now regularly having herds of boys aged 11-14 through the house I have found that feeding them really helps them want to hang out longer, and that they are pretty willing to chit chat with me since I act truly interested ( I am ) AND feed them.

 

 

Hugs for you and for your nephew, I hope that everyone is able to find a safe peaceful way to handle this.

[songsparrow]

If I knew this boy, I would let him know that he has my full acceptance and support and always will. Then I would help him connect to safer and more appropriate forms of support - an LGBT youth group, a Metropolitan Community Church or Unitarian-Universalist church, some sort of teen-specific support network. I would not force him to come out to his parents before he's ready, but I would gently encourage him to.

 

:iagree: I agree with this - it sounds like this boy is looking for a place where he can find acceptance and support. Connecting him with safe places to get real-life support and to find appropriate friends and guidance is a great idea.

[Mergath]

Given his obvious mistrust of adults, I'd say the odds are good that he, at least, thinks his parents wouldn't take it well, so I wouldn't tell them except as a last resort. I agree with the others, that you should try to connect him with safe resources and support groups along with offering him a safe place to go.

[mom2scouts]

So in this case if he is strictly online and not sharing personal information with these guys I would not tell, but if I thought he had arrangements to meet up with someone, had been sharing personal information, etc I would tell immediately.

 

Just to be clear, the predator who got 40 years in prison conducted all of his crimes ONLINE. He never met any of his victims and used that as his defense (which obviously didn't work). I'd rather not go into what he did, but many of the victims thought they were safe because he didn't know their personal information and they never ran off to meet him in person. I still think your nephew is doing something very dangerous and his parents have a right to know.

[SailorMom]

I agree with basically everyone already - but as an added idea, could you possibly have your kids give him contact info for groups like "It Only Gets Better" or Glaad? Maybe they could mention what you've said about the dangers of the internet and giving out his info, and that a club would be far safer and would even give him people to talk to in person who were safe?

I do think quickly cultivating any kind of relationship wit him is a great idea, of course. Also - does he stay the night at your house? If so - you could plan a heart-to-heart with him when he's going to be there overnight and give him time to process before leaving...

[Murphy101]

I am truly horrified and sadly not surprised anyone thinks it is okay not to talk to his parents. If he isn't safe with them, then call CPS. But to just decide they shouldn't know about activity of their own child bc you think you know better? Absofreakinglutely not okay.

I would never do that.

And anyone who kept secrets about my child from me, especially potentially dangerous ones, would be verboten from our lives when I found out.

Plans that involve keeping secrets are inherently bad plans IMO.

 

Smh.

[Tammyla]

What he did by telling your kids in such detail makes me think he is likely to act on this and in a sense leaving a trail of sorts; it sounds like he may know on some level how dangerous this is. Due to the potential danger he may be placing himself in, I would be very worried and talk to his parents asap.

 

This may seem like a no-brainer to some, but I am having a hard time determining the right course of action in this situation.

 

Long story, short....my 14 yo nephew (who has confided to my children that he is gay) has told my kids that he frequents a website called Omegle and has befriended many older guys and young men across the US. He has told them that if any of them tried to get him to meet them somewhere, he would go. He also said that one of the men/guys told him that if "comes out" to his parents and they give him a hard time, that he would buy nephew a plane ticket and set him up in an apartment somewhere. He has not told his parents that he is gay and swore my kids to secrecy when he told them, but they have told my dh and me. Nephew is extremely sneaky and does not have a good relationship with his parents (or any adults) at all, but spends time with my kids and confides in them, so that is how we know all of this. He has recently had his cellphone and iPod taken away, but he tries to find ways to call the men/guys to let them know why he is not able to text and chat.

 

I am scare silly for my nephew. I have a thousand different scenarios running through my mind about what could happen. Dh and I want to talk to his parents, but we don't exactly have the best relationship with them and have absolutely no idea how they will respond. Unless they handle this amazingly well, nephew will know my kids told on him and I feel he will lose all trust in everyone. He has no one else to talk to except these other men on this chat site.

 

Should we tell his parents and hope for the best? How should we proceed? Please help me think this through.

[swellmomma]

There are many families where the parents can't be trusted and love is conditional where cps is not warranted. I grew up in one of them. nothing cps worthy, but love was 100% conditional and doing anything outside those conditions caused majuor issues. I learned as a young teen not to tell my parents anything because it wasn't worth the fall out. Heck even telling when I was being abused by a boyfriend got me in trouble rather than helped. There was no internet like there is today to have been talking to others on, but if there was I am sure I would have been. I needed that safe adult that would be my go to, and didn't have it. It isn't about keeping secrets fromt he parents or thinking you know better than them. It's about giving that teen a safe place to talk, process, vent, cry and deal without turning to destructive paths. WHich is what this child is doing currently. Teens just like everyone else need to know they will be loved and accepted for who they are. Not all parents can or will do that. They have an image to protect, or expectations of what makes the "right" kind of child, or an image of what they want there child to be likeas a teen/adult and will not alter that to truly accept the teen for who they are. In this case it sounds like it goes deeper than being gay, though I am sure the fear that his parents won't accept him as a result of that are feeding this desire to be on that site etc.

[Murphy101]

None of that gives you the right to not tell them about their own kid.

 

If they aren't CPS worthy, then they can be trusted with their own kid and you don't get to decide otherwise bc you disagree and think they aren't handling it the way you think they should.

[jeninok]

I am truly horrified and sadly not surprised anyone thinks it is okay not to talk to his parents. If he isn't safe with them, then call CPS. But to just decide they shouldn't know about activity of their own child bc you think you know better? Absofreakinglutely not okay.

I would never do that.

And anyone who kept secrets about my child from me, especially potentially dangerous ones, would be verboten from our lives when I found out.

Plans that involve keeping secrets are inherently bad plans IMO.

 

Smh.

 

 

If the parents kick him out, shame him, or otherwise further shake the tightrope this kid is walking the consequences could be much much worse. I don't know what she expects the parents reaction to be, but I gather she is worried for his well being. Attempting to forge a relationship with him first would not only respect his privacy in regards to sexual orientation, but perhaps be the first time an adult has loved him unconditionally with no hidden agenda.

 

 

If attempts at talking with the boy do not work, then absolutely speak with the parents.

 

 

I can't go into too much personal detail, but the level of personal pain, shame, fear, and hopelessness that some of these kids feel is absolutely heartbreaking. It very much manifests in self harm, eating disorders, drug abuse, and risk taking behavior, not to mention very real fear for their own safety if others find out, and the risk of total isolation from their community and family in too many circumstances.

[Rivka]

I anticipate that, by adolescence, my kids will have some things they would prefer to bring to someone other than me or their father - because we're so emotionally invested in them, or just because we're their parents. I am going to try my best to keep lines of communication open as my kids get older, but I also hope that other people who love my kids and are trustworthy and accepting will step up to support them if there's something they're not ready to bring to me. I am consciously trying to ensure that in those days they will have access to a wide network of long-acquainted, trustworthy, honorable adults. I am consciously trying to be one of those adults for the teens in my family, my Religious Education students, and my kids' friends.

 

Would it be ideal if this young man felt that he could turn to his parents for guidance and support? Of course it would. Would it be awesome if everyone (including him) could be certain that his parents, if they found out the difficulties he's in, would provide him with affirmation, acceptance, and firm safety boundaries? Again, yes. It would. Should his only options be help from his parents or no help? That's where I part company with many of you. Of course I would want to know if my future teens are ever in trouble. But more than that, I would want to know that they could access help first, have their safety assured first, whether I was involved yet or not.

 

It's like the woman in my childhood church who quietly let the youth group know that we could call her at any hour of the night if we needed a ride home because we, or the driver we'd gone to a party with, had been drinking. Would my parents have wanted to know, if I'd wound up in that fix? I'm sure. But I'm also sure that they wouldn't have wanted me weighing the dangers of riding home with a drunk against the dangers of getting in trouble, and maybe coming up with the wrong answer in the moment. I'm sure they wanted me safe more than they wanted to know. And I feel the same way.

 

If his aunt doesn't step in to be a safe person he can talk to, or help him find safe people he can talk to, is he really going to turn to his parents? Or is he going to turn to these older guys he's been chatting with - some of whom may be honorably trying to help a kid going through a struggle they've been through themselves, but others of whom are surely out to exploit him.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-robertson/just-because-he-breathes-learning-to-truly-love-our-gay-son_b_3478971.html

[Murphy101]

Well while you'll fret over how to guide someone else's kid the next time you see him - God only knows what the hell he is doing and he is getting no help or guidance at all from the people who love him most and he actually lives with and who can monitor his safety the closest. How ridiculous this debate would become if instead of him calling his parents call looking for him bc of whatever happened? And your response would be what? "Oh we felt we could handle him better than you and so decided not to tell you he had admitted to some dangerous activity to us."

 

Just no. If anyone has a genuine worry for this boy, they have an obligation to tell his parents so they can protect their son.

[jeninok]

No one is saying to not ever tell the parents, simply that stepping in first and reaching out to the boy might be a good fist step.

[Murphy101]

Step 1 for making sure a kid stays safe:

 

Make sure his parents know he needs protection.

 

If I were genuinely concerned, no way would I risk things getting worse between finding out about the behavior and maybe eventually developing a better connection with him and then eventually telling his parents.

 

I know what everyone is saying.

 

He is in danger!!! =/= So I'm going to wait to tell the people most invested in his life and most able to keep an eye on him while I try to handle it my way.

[AdventureMoms]

Is there a local chapter of PFLAG, GLISN, a GSA, etc? That would be the first place I'd look. That kid sounds like he needs to find some support and it sounds like he can't or won't get it at home so he's looking in about the most dangerous way possible.

 

I also agree with letting him know you will accept him regardless and that he can talk to you.

 

I was in my 20's when I came out and my parents have always been amazing and supportive, but some things I needed to deal with elsewhere. I'm glad I had other adults in my life I could trust as a teen, I think there comes a time when there are things you need to talk about with other adults.

 

I would not out anyone who was not ready to come out themselves.

[Rivka]

Martha, I think we all agree that this boy is in significant danger and that immediate action needs to be taken to get him help.

 

Where we disagree is that not all of us share your assurance that telling his parents against his wishes will result in his safety - and not in, for example, his running away from home, being kicked out of his home, being driven to suicidal despair by emotional rejection, or turning to that nice stranger who offered to set him up in an apartment god-knows-where. I don't know his family situation and neither do you, so I don't know how you can be so confident that your way is the way to ensure a happy ending.

 

Surveys estimate that 20-40% of homeless teens are LGBT. One out of every 3 gay teens has been thrown out of the house at some point by his or her parents. I went to college with a guy who threw himself into the river not long after coming out to his parents, because it... didn't go so well. Suicide rates are dramatically higher among LGBT teenagers. Those of us who don't want to out this kid to his parents against his will understand that he's in danger, yes. We may understand the scope of that better than you do.

[Jennifer3141]

If I knew that the boy's parents would not support him in coming out, there's no way I'd tell his parents. Frankly, if they were stellar parents, this wouldn't be an issue. The boy would feel safe and loved in his family, regardless of his orientation. That's good parenting.

 

As loving extended family, I'd research some organizations. like GLAD to see what I could do. Unfortunately OP, you are not the first family to go through this.

 

And I think this really applies since the OP does not have a good relationship with the parents. If these people are bigoted or ignorant, it's not likely that the OP delivering the news of their son's orientation is going to be welcome. I would do nothing that might further alienate this boy from his family.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I agree with Martha. It is not as though the boy has come out to your girls and simply is afraid to come out to his parents and the girls spilled the beans to you, in wich case I see no problems with "keeping the secret". The fact that he has come out as gay to your girls is irrelevant to the actual danger here. As someone already mentioned, if this were a 14 year old girl chatting with older men, the situation would be identical.

 

There is an immediate danger. The boy feels alone, trusts no one, and has older men offering to help him run away from home. It would be worse than negligent not to tell the people who control the boy's computer access, possible chat histories, etc. The fact that his sexual orientation will be incidentally revealed in doing this is secondary, and is an unfortunate thing that must happen in order to protect his immediate, physical safety.

 

Do your homewook on the support groups in your town and bring it when you talk to his parents, but DO talk to his parents.

[Rebecca VA]

Here is what Maddykate has said about her nephew:

 

He is extremely sneaky;

He has disdain for adults;

He does not have a good relationship with any adults at all.

 

This goes beyond being gay and feeling alone. This boy has deep-rooted problems that may or may not be caused by his relationship with his parents. He is clearly a difficult child. I'm very surprised that no one has recommended getting this family -- whole family, not just the boy -- into counselling immediately, by whatever means it takes.

[Murphy101]

I agree with Martha. It is not as though the boy has come out to your girls and simply is afraid to come out to his parents and the girls spilled the beans to you, in wich case I see no problems with "keeping the secret". The fact that he has come out as gay to your girls is irrelevant to the actual danger here. As someone already mentioned, if this were a 14 year old girl chatting with older men, the situation would be identical.

 

There is an immediate danger. The boy feels alone, trusts no one, and has older men offering to help him run away from home. It would be worse than negligent not to tell the people who control the boy's computer access, possible chat histories, etc. The fact that his sexual orientation will be incidentally revealed in doing this is secondary, and is an unfortunate thing that must happen in order to protect his immediate, physical safety.

 

Do your homewook on the support groups in your town and bring it when you talk to his parents, but DO talk to his parents.

 

Yes. This. I don't care that he is gay. I could completely toss that fact aside and see an easy decision here that the parents need to know.

 

I don't presume my way will net a happy ending. The parent may very well toss him out. Okay. Fine. We always have room for one more here. But secrets rarely ever end well.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Going straight to his parents will likely cause more harm than good. Sit down with him yourself and talk through your concerns calmly and go from there.

 

Then, if necessary, with his knowledge talk to his parents.

[AdventureMoms]

 

 

Yes. This. I don't care that he is gay. I could completely toss that fact aside and see an easy decision here that the parents need to know.

 

I don't presume my way will net a happy ending. The parent may very well toss him out. Okay. Fine. We always have room for one more here. But secrets rarely ever end well.

 

You cannot "toss aside" the fact that he is coming out as gay in this exchange. It makes a huge difference.

 

What if, after he feels he betrayed him by outing him to his parents, he instead chooses the company of his new online friends? What if, instead of just kicking him out, his parents beat the crap out of him first? What if, his parents don't actually kick him out, but make his life such a living hell that he runs away, but then, when he moves in with you, they pursue legal action? What if, they cut off his contact with the only adults in his life who are actually supporting him? Or, if they bundle him off to one of those lovely cure the gay people camps?

 

I certainly agree that this child is in a great deal of danger. However, I unfortunately know from experience, that a gay teen coming out to his possibly unsupportive parents is in danger, also. That, Plus the fact that this teen seems like he is willing to run away even if his parents react in a non-horrible way, makes me very very concerned about that course of action.

[AdventureMoms]

Here is what Maddykate has said about her nephew:

 

He is extremely sneaky;

He has disdain for adults;

He does not have a good relationship with any adults at all.

 

This goes beyond being gay and feeling alone. This boy has deep-rooted problems that may or may not be caused by his relationship with his parents. He is clearly a difficult child. I'm very surprised that no one has recommended getting this family -- whole family, not just the boy -- into counselling immediately, by whatever means it takes.

 

 

Counseling would be great! But I'm not sure how an aunt with a poor relationship to everyone involved is going to make that happen. Especially without outing the teen.

[Murphy101]

Surveys estimate that 20-40% of homeless teens are LGBT.

 

which means 60-80% (wow. That's one heck of a range! It makes me question the validity of the survey at all?) are NOT LGBT

 

One out of every 3 gay teens has been thrown out of the house at some point by his or her parents.

 

2/3 of gay teens are NOT thrown out of the house at some point by their parents. So why would you preaume a parent is going to?

 

Some parents abuse their kids, but I would not presume that a parent is going to be abusive bc of that.

 

You cannot "toss aside" the fact that he is coming out as gay in this exchange. It makes a huge difference.

What if, after he feels he betrayed him by outing him to his parents, he instead chooses the company of his new online friends?[

 

What if he chooses to continue associating with them and his parents aren't made aware until after he decides to run off with them? What if the OP doesn't really know squat about the situation by by her own admission he is not the most honest and trustworthy of teens to begin with? What if she were to speak to the parents and learn that she really has no idea how bad off this kid is and the parents are actually working their butts off to keep him safe?

 

What if, instead of just kicking him out, his parents beat the crap out of him first?

 

You call the police.

 

What if, his parents don't actually kick him out, but make his life such a living hell that he runs away, but then, when he moves in with you, they pursue legal action? What if, they cut off his contact with the only adults in his life who are actually supporting him? Or, if they bundle him off to one of those lovely cure the gay people camps?

 

What if ANY parent decides to do that? Do you think all parents who cut off contact with people they view as untrustworthy or send their kids away (board school, boot camps, aunt Mae... Whatever) should have other random people in the community decide they don't have a right to know about their child's dangerous activity? This is why I said I don't think him being gay matters in my reaction. What if he were a 14 year old straight girl acting this way? No question about it. I'd talk to her parents pronto. Wouldn't even have to debate it.

 

I certainly agree that this child is in a great deal of danger. However, I unfortunately know from experience, that a gay teen coming out to his possibly unsupportive parents is in danger, also. That, Plus the fact that this teen seems like he is willing to run away even if his parents react in a non-horrible way, makes me very very concerned about that course of action.

 

 

Most parents, according to the statistic Rivka used, do not abuse or harm their child for coming out gay. So no, I would not presume that a parent would be abusive.

 

Because it sounds like this boy might do something dangerous regardless of how his parents react, I see no reason to put off telling them and risk him doing something in that time period.

[Jennifer3141]

It seems odd to me that someone who has openly said they don't approve of the, "homosexual agenda" would then turn around and say, "Well hey, I have the room for one more" if said boy's parents kick him from their home.

 

It's flippant and disrepectful to think of that as a viable alternative.

 

This boy's privacy must be protected at all costs if there is a chance the parents will kick him from their home. Because then, this boy won't need the internet. He'll be out there with the freaks of the world completely alone.

[nmoira]

Surveys estimate that 20-40% of homeless teens are LGBT.

 

which means 60-80% (wow. That's one heck of a range! It makes me question the validity of the survey at all?) are NOT LGBT

 

You don't think even the lower estimate is disproportionate relative to the population?

 

Serving Our Youth: Findings from a National Survey of Service Providers Working with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth who are Homeless or At Risk of Becoming Homeless. Los Angeles: The Williams Institute with True Colors Fund and The Palette Fund. (PDF)

 

This report by the The Palette Fund, True Colors Fund, and the Williams Institute presents data from The Lesbian,

Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) Homeless Youth Provider Survey, a web-based survey conducted from

October 2011 through March 2012. The survey was designed to assess the experiences of homeless youth

organizations in providing services to LGBT youth. It also assessed the prevalence of LGBT youth within the

homeless populations being served by these organizations. In total, 381 respondents completed at least part of

the survey, representing 354 agencies throughout the United States.

 

- Among both homeless and non-homeless clients, 30% identified as gay or lesbian and 9% identified as bisexual

 

- 1% of homeless and non-homeless clients were identified as “other gender†but at least another percent of the total clientele were transgender youth who were identified on the survey as either male or female

 

- Nearly all agencies (91%) reported using intake forms to track the demographic information of their clients, including information on sexual orientation and gender identity; around 30% of agencies use staff estimates to approximate the number of LGBT youth. Given that youth may not be willing to self-identify as being LGBT when initially presenting for services, these data may underestimate the proportion of LGBT youth served by homeless youth providers.

 

Martha:

One out of every 3 gay teens has been thrown out of the house at some point by his or her parents.

 

2/3 of gay teens are NOT thrown out of the house at some point by their parents. So why would you preaume a parent is going to?

 

Again, doesn't the number seem disproportionate? What if you were told 1/3 of all teens were thrown out of the house at some point by their parents? Wouldn't that seem... high?

[Murphy101]

It seems odd to me that someone who has openly said they don't approve of the, "homosexual agenda" would then turn around and say, "Well hey, I have the room for one more" if said boy's parents kick him from their home.

 

It's flippant and disrepectful to think of that as a viable alternative.

 

This boy's privacy must be protected at all costs if there is a chance the parents will kick him from their home. Because then, this boy won't need the internet. He'll be out there with the freaks of the world completely alone.

 

No it isn't odd to think that just because I don't agree with who or why someone has sex with another person that I wouldn't kick them to the curb or offer them a safe home. People do all kinds of crap I think is sinful and it doesn't mean I would abuse them or not offer them safety and kindness.

 

I'm rather disturbed everyone seems to be okay keeping his dangerous situation from his parents bc they seem to think letting him continue to live with parents they seem to expect will abuse him is better?

 

*confused*

 

smh

[Mergath]

No it isn't odd to think that just because I don't agree with who or why someone has sex with another person that I wouldn't kick them to the curb or offer them a safe home. People do all kinds of crap I think is sinful and it doesn't mean I would abuse them or not offer them safety and kindness.

 

I'm rather disturbed everyone seems to be okay keeping his dangerous situation from his parents bc they seem to think letting him continue to live with parents they seem to expect will abuse him is better?

 

*confused*

 

smh

 

I don't generally consider a "safe home" to be one where you're considered an unholy abomination by the adults present, especially considering the sky-high suicide rate among gay teens. Sorry.

[Murphy101]

I don't generally consider a "safe home" to be one where you're considered an unholy abomination by the adults present, especially considering the sky-high suicide rate among gay teens. Sorry.

 

 

I didn't call anyone that. The worst word I'd ever use wrt to homosexuality is sin or disordered.

 

But even if I agreed with your wording... Let me get this straight..

 

You don't think he would be safe with me, bc I follow Roman Catholic beliefs.

 

Yet you presume his parents will think him an abomination and that's why you wouldn't tell them of his danger - bc you dont want to risk the people who think him an abomination kicking him out? So you think he should continue living with those same parenabominations hunk would make him feel like an abomination?

 

Um. What? Seriously? That's some seriously convoluted thinking going on there. *confused*