You know what really bugs me?

[DawnM]

When people who don't even have children give parenting advice.

 

There, I said it......that is all......

[Mama Geek]

It doesn't matter to me whether people have kids or not, if I haven't asked i'd really prefer not to be getting it. If I want advice I will ask those I respect.

[Garga]

I had lots of advice to give before I had kids. I used to think that if Amish kids could sit through their 3 hour church services, then so could any kid. And I would tell anyone who would listen my bizarre theory and that they should be working on it with their own kids.

 

Obviously, my first born had colic and ADHD. Soon after he was born I learned about Flylady and her techniques to keeping up one's house. She would suggest things like a 5 minute room rescue and I sat down and cried because I hadn't had 5 minutes all to myself since the child was born because he was so active or needy and he either screamed for me every 5 minutes or was about to destroy something every 5 minutes. And naps? Short and few.

 

Moral of the story: never give parenting advice before having kids. Ever.

[DawnM]

:lol:

 

I am a fly lady drop out myself!

 

And I fully relate to your having parenting ideals PRIOR to actually having kids!

 

I had lots of advice to give before I had kids. I used to think that if Amish kids could sit through their 3 hour church services, then so could any kid. And I would tell anyone who would listen my bizarre theory and that they should be working on it with their own kids.

 

Obviously, my first born had colic and ADHD. Soon after he was born I learned about Flylady and her techniques to keeping up one's house. She would suggest things like a 5 minute room rescue and I sat down and cried because I hadn't had 5 minutes all to myself since the child was born because he was so active or needy and he either screamed for me every 5 minutes or was about to destroy something every 5 minutes. And naps? Short and few.

 

Moral of the story: never give parenting advice before having kids. Ever.

 

[Remudamom]

Oh yes! And it's worse when they teach PS.

[DawnM]

My busy week was last week.......I have lots of time this week......have at it!

 

When I read the title of your thread I thought, "How much time have you got? (to hear about all that bugs me)!" LOL

 

[DawnM]

I used to resemble that remark!

 

That was when I was pretty anti-homeschooling too!

 

Oh yes! And it's worse when they teach PS.

 

[PentecostalMom]

I have a SIL that has adopted but never given birth, yet she chooses to give me childbirth advice. I feel your irritation.

[poppy]

Totally true. I remember lecturing my husband against SAHMs back in the day... which he graciously doesn't remind me about, now that I am one.

[mom2bee]

Removed by the Author.

[Chris in VA]

*snort*

[AlmiraGulch]

I know!!

 

I also love it when people like, I don't know, MY PARENTS, are just certain that you're not parenting properly or your kids will simply behave a certain way, because that's how it worked with their kids. I have news for these people:

 

1 Your kids did all sorts of things they weren't supposed to do, and you choose to not remember.

2. You were fortunate that none of your children had ASD or any other mental, psychological or physiological disorder. Congratulations.

 

Grrr....

[NotSoObvious]

I know!!

 

I also love it when people like, I don't know, MY PARENTS, are just certain that you're not parenting properly or your kids will simply behave a certain way, because that's how it worked with their kids. I have news for these people:

 

1 Your kids did all sorts of things they weren't supposed to do, and you choose to not remember.

2. You were fortunate that none of your children had ASD or any other mental, psychological or physiological disorder. Congratulations.

 

Grrr....

 

 

 

Ah yes, people who have NT children who think parenting SN children is the same. I HATE when people offer the, "oh, that's normal," or, "you just need to be patient," advice. No, patience doesn't work. She's not going to magically learn that skill. My kid has to work her ass off to do the same thing your kid did naturally. But thanks for the advice.

[Hikin' Mama]

How about when they hang out on homeschool message boards giving parenting advice? ;)

[mom2bee]

Removed by the Author.

[*Lulu*]

Ah, it's just people in general.

 

Some childless people have great insight into child rearing.

 

Some single people dispense awesome relationship advice.

 

Some people that are married, with children a plenty, have no clue when to shut thier pie-hole.

 

C'est la vie.

[AlmiraGulch]

How about when they hang out on homeschool message boards giving parenting advice? ;)

 

 

Oh, no. I love that. It's not the same thing at all. :D

[UrbanSue]

After I had a couple of strangers make comments to me early on, my stock reply is, "How many kids did/do you have?" (Depending on how old the person looks).

 

Since the answer is almost always less than four (because moms of many somehow don't seem to have the same opinionated streak) it usually works.

 

(This is not to say that any of you with only one or two kids are overly-opinionated, by the way).

[Impish]

I think one of my faves is when a male OB told me a csection was 'no big deal' and 'no different to recover from than a vaginal delivery'

 

I asked him how many he'd had...and found a new OB.

[DawnM]

:lol:

 

Oh, no. I love that. It's not the same thing at all. :D

[fairfarmhand]

Ah, it's just people in general.

 

Some childless people have great insight into child rearing.

 

Some single people dispense awesome relationship advice.

 

Some people that are married, with children a plenty, have no clue when to shut thier pie-hole.

 

C'est la vie.

this is true!

 

After I had a couple of strangers make comments to me early on, my stock reply is, "How many kids did/do you have?" (Depending on how old the person looks).

 

Since the answer is almost always less than four (because moms of many somehow don't seem to have the same opinionated streak) it usually works.

 

(This is not to say that any of you with only one or two kids are overly-opinionated, by the way).

 

When I had my 3rd I began to get a glimpse that parenting can be very nuanced and incredibly individual.

 

When I had my 4th I realized that I know nothing. I'm often stunned that I am responsible for raising 4 people to adulthood. How is that even possible? I know nothing,.

[Hikin' Mama]

 

this is true!

 

 

 

When I had my 3rd I began to get a glimpse that parenting can be very nuanced and incredibly individual.

 

When I had my 4th I realized that I know nothing. I'm often stunned that I am responsible for raising 4 people to adulthood. How is that even possible? I know nothing,.

 

I only have three, but I feel the same way! I tell my kids that I'll have this parenting thing figured out just in time to tell them how to parent their kids. Ha ha! Just kidding. I've already decided my lips will be zipped when it comes to how they parent and really how they choose to live any part of their lives. I have two adult kids, so I've already been practicing zipping up when I really, really, really want to give my input. :)

[Mom-ninja.]

I agree. I also agree when parents who do not have SN children think they know how to "fix" your child's issues.

[Dandelion]

Couldn't agree more. One of the most annoying experiences I had in this regard was when I took DS to an Occupational Therapist when he was 8 and she proceeded to give me lots of unsolicited parenting advice (from her vast storehouse of parenting wisdom related to parenting her 2 year old daughter - who is not on the autism spectrum and doesn't have the kind of issues that warrant going to an OT in the first place). Ummm, thanks. :rolleyes:

[UrbanSue]

this is true!

 

 

 

When I had my 3rd I began to get a glimpse that parenting can be very nuanced and incredibly individual.

 

When I had my 4th I realized that I know nothing. I'm often stunned that I am responsible for raising 4 people to adulthood. How is that even possible? I know nothing,.

 

 

A friend of mine once said, "Four is a very small sample size." I think about that all the time.

[zoobie]

I have a SIL that has adopted but never given birth, yet she chooses to give me childbirth advice. I feel your irritation.

My stepmother (never given birth, and not in any kind of medical field), likes to try to give breast feeding advice. It's pretty hilarious.

 

Edited: She hasn't tried to nurse in an adoptive parent capacity either. I was 5 when she and my dad married. Nothing against adoptive breast feeding here! I mean hilarious in that it's really funny. She will realize it after a while and laugh herself.

[SKL]

Wellll, I got some flack for that once or twice, but I was a nanny for years, tutored about a hundred kids, helped a lot with my kid brother, and pretty much raised my baby sister. I also went through 3 years of teachers' college before I changed my major. So I did know a few things about kids. What I really find obnoxious is parents who have *1* child and are convinced that what worked for them will work for everyone. Especially when that *1* child is damn near perfect. ;)

[SKL]

My stepmother (never given birth and not in any kind of medical field), likes to try to give breast feeding advice. It's pretty hilarious.

As an adoptive mom, how is that any different from any woman giving advice about someone else's breasts? Adoptive moms can breastfeed, by the way, and some of us have done a fair amount of research on how to make it work even when you haven't given birth. We also spend as much time on parenting websites, reading baby books, etc., as anyone else, and we have siblings, moms, and friends who have breastfed. So if I told my sister, who was having trouble producing milk for her NICU baby (2nd child), that I'd heard eating oatmeal helps some people, sue me. I would never tell someone they are "doing it wrong," but if they are desperate and I've heard of something, what is the crime in mentioning it?

[SKL]

I think it really depends on the tone. There's helpful suggestions and then there is unhelpful criticism. For the latter, which I used to get from my sister (she's been strangely silent since she had kids), I'd just say "I'm sure you'll show me how to do it right when you have kids." ;)

[Georgiana Daniels]

Here, here! There's no way you can really know what parenting involves--the good and the bad--until you have kids.

[SKL]

My mom told me that everything was manageable whether she had 1, 2, or 3 kids. And that upon having the 4th kid, it was all over. :) FTR, I was #3. :) I only have 2, but if someone asks for advice, I am not afraid to give it. If they don't ask, I keep quiet unless I feel a child is in some sort of trouble.

[Joanne]

I have limited patience with that principle on a variety of issues:

 

parenting

single parenting

divorce from the perspective of the parents (vs. those who were kids when their parents divorced)

Christians commenting about their perecieved lack of Christian culture in the US (it is *entirely a different reality for non Christians)

living life associated with low income and several jobs

Juvenile Rhematoid Arthritis (or other auto-immunes)

addiction

abuse/power/contol in adult relationships

 

But, in general, people like to interact, to discuss, to talk and they like to do so on provocative issues. I try (sometimes successfully) to assign positive intent.

[LibraryLover]

I think it depends.

 

I have known very intuitive and empathetic people.. One of my best midwives never had a child, but was so supportive and knowledgable. One of my sisters (then childless) was the most help to me when I was the mother of very small children. She helped me greatly with perspective.

 

Many people often have certain relevant life experiences ( as a sibling, daughter, teacher, counselor, excellent observer etc) and can very often offer thoughtful suggestions and/ or commiseration.

[LibraryLover]

 

But, in general, people like to interact, to discuss, to talk and they like to do so on provocative issues. I try (sometimes successfully) to assign positive intent.

 

I agree. Intent and tone matters a great deal. Further, I think it is perfectly valid for people to respectfully share their own experiences. We we were all children once, and many of us are older siblings, and do have memories or experiences that are quite appropriate to share.

[mommymilkies]

I agree, to a point. I have met a couple of very wonderful people who had some good advice about parenting in general. Really, more about life, but it wasn't a negative. They are few and far between, though.

 

I also love when people give me homeschooling advice for my oldest kids when they only have toddlers or little kids and have never taught my age range. "Oh, why don't you just use these preschool science workbooks, they'll totally work for your 12 yo gifted learner!" sort of thing. I have no problem with people who are well intentioned and nice about the advice, but it's the berating, ignorant, or judgmental advice that annoys the heck out of me. I think the worst advice I've had so far has had to do with birth or allergies. That's always fun. My SIL loved to tell me that c-sections were easier (from the woman who had a painless 2 hour labor of her only and the baby fell out) and I should suck it up and that birth wasn't that painful. Put it this way, her second birth made her cry when telling me about it. I almost said "I TOLD YOU SO!", but I'm not that low. :p

[zoobie]

 

As an adoptive mom, how is that any different from any woman giving advice about someone else's breasts? Adoptive moms can breastfeed, by the way, and some of us have done a fair amount of research on how to make it work even when you haven't given birth. We also spend as much time on parenting websites, reading baby books, etc., as anyone else, and we have siblings, moms, and friends who have breastfed. So if I told my sister, who was having trouble producing milk for her NICU baby (2nd child), that I'd heard eating oatmeal helps some people, sue me. I would never tell someone they are "doing it wrong," but if they are desperate and I've heard of something, what is the crime in mentioning it?

 

She means well, but she knows nothing about breast feeding. She's never been around breast feeding other than me nursing my children. She hasn't adopted children or wanted to adopt children. She doesn't like babies other than mine, which she hugs and kisses and hands right back to me. So when she's giving me technical advice on breast feeding, it is hilarious. Can't you just shove... What if you... Maybe if the baby were this way... Uh, no, but thanks! I got this. :)

[LibraryLover]

 

 

She means well, but she knows nothing about breast feeding. She's never been around breast feeding other than me nursing my children. She hasn't adopted children or wanted to adopt children. She doesn't like babies other than mine, which she hugs and kisses and hands right back to me. So when she's giving me technical advice on breast feeding, it is hilarious. Can't you just shove... What if you... Maybe if the baby were this way... Uh, no, but thanks! I got this. :)

 

LOL been there. At least she's not telling you to 'just 'give the baby formula. With my first, my sister also gave bfing 'advice'. lol. She knew nothing from personal experience ( nor did I for that matter), but I remember her saying she felt so bad for me. Of course, she adorned that baby and was even at his birth. I knew she meant well. I knew she knew how much I wanted to breast feed, and observed how much pain I was in. Even she could see saw that my newborn son was a horrible nurser. I appreciated her support. She is a born cheerleader . ( and in fact was a high school cheerleader. :))

[Anne in CA]

Even better are people with no kids, who have never been step parents giving step parenting advice. And they are so annoyed when you don't take it.

[Catwoman]

Personally, I find it more irritating when someone asks when she should start teaching algebra to her child... without bothering to mention that the kid hasn't been born yet. :rolleyes:

 

But maybe that's just me... ;)

 

My only problem with someone who hasn't had children dispensing childbearing advice is that they're still in the "perfect dreams of the perfect baby who does everything perfectly and never cries and never disobeys and never does anything that isn't entirely adorable" phase. And they look at you like you must be some kind of completely worthless parent if you don't immediately take all of their advice because they have read all of the parenting books, so they know exactly what you should do. I think a lot of us went through that phase... until reality set in and we wanted to set fire to all of those stupid "welcome your new baby" books because it turned out that most of them were a complete crock.

 

I will say, though, that at least most of the childless people on this forum are very open about being here because they want to be moms some day, and they're both learning and living vicariously through the rest of us while they wait to have kids of their own. I think their perspective can be interesting as long as we know where they are coming from. That said, I don't think they should be giving advice, either, unless it's to post a link to a helpful article or say how their own parents handled a particular situation.

[songsparrow]

"Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories." - John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester (1647-1680)

 

Yep, before I had kids, I had a lot of ideas about children and parenting. My first child changed a lot of those notions, but I thought my mistaken ideas were corrected and I was well prepared by the time my second child came along. She quickly took care of all of my remaining ideas. It has made me much more humble, patient with other parents, and open to advice and ideas from others.

[LibraryLover]

My first was born before Message Boards. ;) I started attending La Leche League meetings when I was about 5 months pregnant because I was so freaking excited to be having a baby. At LLL meetings, I especially loved the chit- chat afterwards. I asked those experienced moms zillions of questions, about everything, and even read the homeschooling books in the group library. I asked many, many hsing questions, and I didn't even end up hsing my first. The mothers loved talking my ears off, and every eager first time pregnant mom got the same animated treatment.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

My first was born before Message Boards. ;)

 

 

Sometimes I just really thank God that I had no internet access until my youngest child was born. I would have been a disaster online back then, and who knows what bizarre notions I would have picked up while I was still young and impressionable!

 

I got a few good books, a few good mentors, and imitated my Mother and Grandmother, for the most part. Life was simple back then.

[Guest]

Personally, I find it more irritating when someone asks when she should start teaching algebra to her child... without bothering to mention that the kid hasn't been born yet. :rolleyes:

 

But maybe that's just me... ;)

 

My only problem with someone who hasn't had children dispensing childbearing advice is that they're still in the "perfect dreams of the perfect baby who does everything perfectly and never cries and never disobeys and never does anything that isn't entirely adorable" phase. And they look at you like you must be some kind of completely worthless parent if you don't immediately take all of their advice because they have read all of the parenting books, so they know exactly what you should do. I think a lot of us went through that phase... until reality set in and we wanted to set fire to all of those stupid "welcome your new baby" books because it turned out that most of them were a complete crock.

 

I will say, though, that at least most of the childless people on this forum are very open about being here because they want to be moms some day, and they're both learning and living vicariously through the rest of us while they wait to have kids of their own. I think their perspective can be interesting as long as we know where they are coming from. That said, I don't think they should be giving advice, either, unless it's to post a link to a helpful article or say how their own parents handled a particular situation.

 

 

I do know what you mean. But, I feel bad for her. I don't think she meant to come across that way. I did wonder if she was a troll at first, or just stirring the pot, along with another about showering with someone and children or something - ??? Then I got busy in other threads.

 

She is either genuine, or not. If she is, I think this is much to harsh. I didn't like the comment she made about having a healthy child or sleeping baby makes it so you can't understand. I have four healthy children (one is a baby who was sleeping when I read that). I do understand. I experienced a very difficult loss of twins between child #3 and #4. Besides that, though... she apologized and deleted it. She realized she shouldn't have said that. I think we should leave it alone. She is pregnant and it's not good to upset a pregnant woman, especially one who has had losses. We are better than this.

 

Some of her questions are much better on a parenting forum, especially the spanking topic. I agree with everyone who said she should relax and not plan too much. It might not turn out the way she wants it to and would only setting herself up for disappointment if it doesn't. She may decide not to homeschool after spending years researching it. If she is fine with that, then that's great. As long as she is flexible, it will be okay. If she just likes researching, then lets let her research away and ask questions here. Let's answer them. If she is just a troll, only time will tell. But, lets not risk upsetting a real person who is pregnant.

[Luanne]

My sister has given me advice on how to raise my daughter pretty much since the day she was born. My sister has two dogs. She's only ever had dogs. She claims I would not know how to take care of a dog. :confused1:

[nmoira]

People don't seem to like advice in general because it implies they need it.

 

I do think that things would be pretty slow around here if everyone stuck to their area of expertise. :tongue_smilie:

[MomtoCandJ]

Or someone who has had her children taken away do to abuse, neglect and endangerment (2 counts of each, pled guilty). This would be my brother's babies mama (said brother now has custody of them)

[Luanne]

You know what really bugs me? A person who comes on here threatening to delete her name and then starts deleting everything she has posted after she supposedly decided to stay. What's with that anyway?

[Guest]

You know what really bugs me? A person who comes on here threatening to delete her name and then starts deleting everything she has posted after she supposedly decided to stay. What's with that anyway?

 

Maybe she wants to stay, but doesn't know she wants to stay. So she is staying and going.

[nmoira]

You know what really bugs me? A person who comes on here threatening to delete her name and then starts deleting everything she has posted after she supposedly decided to stay. What's with that anyway?

 

As much as I'd like to believe the contrary, I'm not completely sure I'd be reacting differently if there were a thread like this about me.

[Luanne]

Well, I could have sworn there was a rule here about not threatening to leave anyway.