I can't believe I have to ask. Did you staff a nursery for your wedding?

[freesia]

 

I've been thinking this, but didn't want to say it.

 

The only time we have ever been invited to a wedding where children were not allowed, we didn't attend specifically because they were not welcome.

 

I love children and was a primary teacher before I was married. We could not, however, afford a wedding that included children. We had to severely cut the guest list as it was. I did want my relatives to come, if they could. My parents left me with relatives to attend weddings on the other side of the family. I have left my children with dh and attended out of town weddings. Sometimes folks are just doing what they can to have a wedding.

[FaithManor]

Well, I'm finding out that weddings are controversial and divisive no matter how nice you are when planning them. So, after this post, I'm going to run silent as the grave concerning dd's wedding. I was going to post pics of the event afterward, but I think that might just spark more negativity so I'll leave well enough alone.

 

For the record, I failed to note in the original post that this niece is not invited to begin with though her brothers are. Now, that might seem rude to many of you, however, you need to understand the history. She's HORRIBLE to dd, just horrible. I think the child may have inherited her mother's narci tendancies x 10. The history is not kind and dd, when younger and putting up with this stuff at family events, was very long suffering and gracious about it. This young lady has absolutely no reason to believe she should be invited.

 

She found out on facebook and then more details from her mother. DRAT FACEBOOK! So, she just up and called her mom and announced she wasn't going to be left out and is coming. Now, dh and I talked about this...short of having a bouncer and making a scene, how is one supposed to keep a nut out! The scene she would cause outside would likely be worse than the one she could potentially make inside. I know it would be. Like all narci's, she is most capable of behaving herself and acting sweet and wonderful when crowds of people are around to impress. Oh, she'll try to make everything all about her. But, on the other hand, everyone will be too busy to give her the attention she wants. So, we decided not to make a big family ta-do by calling her up and telling her she better stay home.

 

Having won her bid to attend, she's now demanding childcare and her mother is claiming we are chumps (stronger words were used actually) and violating all good rules of decorum by not having a staffed nursery.

 

This is not a "no child" wedding. There will be children. But, niece's child is the only one that is really, really young and again, not invited to begin with. No one else has children under the age of 7 to bring other than the flower girl who is 4 and she'll be at the reception with her folks and not in need of a babysitter. They live 20 minutes away and if she gets tired, they'll take her home to her grandmother if necessary.

 

The one thing is certain. The church will.not. allow their nursery to be opened. They've had too many events in the past where toys have been broken by unattended kids, the nursery left in disarray, smelly diapers left behind in the diaper pail, etc. and they find the mess on Sunday morning. So, if it isn't an officially church sponsored event, the nursery remains locked - no exceptions.

 

Anyway, I'll have to tackle this Monday. Thanks for the support. I won't play out prettily.

 

Faith - reminding herself, no more wedding posts

[ScoutTN]

Nope. I was the children's ministry director at our church - kids were definitely welcome.

[KatieJ]

No, we did not provide a nursery for kids at our weddings. When my sons got married, my DILs put together little gift bags for the younger kids (mostly they were nieces and nephews of the groom) with activities and snacks for the reception. We made sure we knew where the cry room was and let anyone who might have need of it know the details.

[Starr]

I've seen both. The problem of course is that most 2 year olds don't go off with an unfamiliar person in unfamiliar space. She would be happier at home with someone she knows.

[Impish]

Oh, please post about your dd's wedding! I love hearing about your plans!

[PachiSusan]

Well, I'm finding out that weddings are controversial and divisive no matter how nice you are when planning them. So, after this post, I'm going to run silent as the grave concerning dd's wedding. I was going to post pics of the event afterward, but I think that might just spark more negativity so I'll leave well enough alone.

 

Faith - reminding herself, no more wedding posts

 

I'm not sure what happened, but I adore wedding photos. Please post!!!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Faith, your friends here (like me!) want to hear about the wedding and want to see pictures!

[Mergath]

Well, I'm finding out that weddings are controversial and divisive no matter how nice you are when planning them. So, after this post, I'm going to run silent as the grave concerning dd's wedding. I was going to post pics of the event afterward, but I think that might just spark more negativity so I'll leave well enough alone.

 

For the record, I failed to note in the original post that this niece is not invited to begin with though her brothers are. Now, that might seem rude to many of you, however, you need to understand the history. She's HORRIBLE to dd, just horrible. I think the child may have inherited her mother's narci tendancies x 10. The history is not kind and dd, when younger and putting up with this stuff at family events, was very long suffering and gracious about it. This young lady has absolutely no reason to believe she should be invited.

 

She found out on facebook and then more details from her mother. DRAT FACEBOOK! So, she just up and called her mom and announced she wasn't going to be left out and is coming. Now, dh and I talked about this...short of having a bouncer and making a scene, how is one supposed to keep a nut out! The scene she would cause outside would likely be worse than the one she could potentially make inside. I know it would be. Like all narci's, she is most capable of behaving herself and acting sweet and wonderful when crowds of people are around to impress. Oh, she'll try to make everything all about her. But, on the other hand, everyone will be too busy to give her the attention she wants. So, we decided not to make a big family ta-do by calling her up and telling her she better stay home.

 

Having won her bid to attend, she's now demanding childcare and her mother is claiming we are chumps (stronger words were used actually) and violating all good rules of decorum by not having a staffed nursery.

 

This is not a "no child" wedding. There will be children. But, niece's child is the only one that is really, really young and again, not invited to begin with. No one else has children under the age of 7 to bring other than the flower girl who is 4 and she'll be at the reception with her folks and not in need of a babysitter. They live 20 minutes away and if she gets tired, they'll take her home to her grandmother if necessary.

 

The one thing is certain. The church will.not. allow their nursery to be opened. They've had too many events in the past where toys have been broken by unattended kids, the nursery left in disarray, smelly diapers left behind in the diaper pail, etc. and they find the mess on Sunday morning. So, if it isn't an officially church sponsored event, the nursery remains locked - no exceptions.

 

Anyway, I'll have to tackle this Monday. Thanks for the support. I won't play out prettily.

 

Faith - reminding herself, no more wedding posts

 

 

Wow. What a classy lady. :blink:

 

So... what's to stop her from bringing her daughter anyway, and then just letting the kid wander off so everyone else has to watch her?

[FaithManor]

Wow. What a classy lady. :blink:

 

So... what's to stop her from bringing her daughter anyway, and then just letting the kid wonder off so everyone else has to watch her?

 

 

Oh no...Mergath...I'm so tired I hadn't stopped to think of that.

 

I guess I will spend the weekend thinking about this.

 

Faith

[TN Mama]

Definitely keep posting about the wedding! Especially pics!

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with rude people. They are everywhere, unfortunately.

 

And I agree with those before me... no childcare.

[Mommyof4ks]

Nope, we did not have a nursery. Kids are welcome at anything we do. The entitlement mentality is driving me nuts!

[chepyl]

We had a nursery and two sitters, but we had a LOT of kids at the wedding and we wanted parents to enjoy the reception and not have to chase kids in the small hall. Most kids stayed in the ceremony and then they went to play with toys during the reception. PLUS my friends were doing a reading at the wedding and they had a baby. They could not hold the baby during the ceremony. I have not been to any other weddings with childcare.

[mommymilkies]

I've been to a ton of weddings and never once have I heard of staffing a nursery!!!!!

[Mergath]

Oh no...Mergath...I'm so tired I hadn't stopped to think of that.

 

I guess I will spend the weekend thinking about this.

 

Faith

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Onceuponatime]

I had someone in the nursery for my daughter's wedding but it was not advertised and the underlying purpose was for my infant grandson to be taken care of when everyone was preoccupied.

[misty.warden]

Never crossed my mind that either A) someone who was not invited would demand anything of the wedding party B ) that people having weddings invited adults and excluded their children specifically. I need a refresher on wedding etiquette because when my bestie got married we counted whole families when calculating the guest list and who to cut for budget reasons, and I'd never think to invite half of a family. If an invited person couldn't bring her child(ren) I would also never think they would expect the wedding party to pay for a sitter.

[Starr]

Get a babysitter, in another part of town.

[Murphy101]

Ha. It's not her wedding so it's not your problem.

 

I had NO children at my wedding and NO nursery either.

 

It was a very simple, nice, quiet small wedding. Which was precisely what we both wanted.

[Kirch]

I'm not sure why you feel like you shouldn't post more wedding stuff? Most people are agreeing with you that they're out of line--even the people who did offer it said it was a courtesy they *wanted* to offer, not something you would be rude not to offer. Please keep posting wedding stuff! :)

 

That said, your sister (SIL? Can't remember!) is a rude nutjob and her daughter is ... just ... I can't find the words. To invite yourself and then have the temerity to demand childcare?? Just ... no. I would call your sister (SIL?) and bluntly tell her that since niece isn't even invited, childcare won't be an issue. Unfortunately, if niece wants to crash, there's not much you can do unless you/dd are willing to make a scene. And that's totally up to your dd. Is it more important to her to avoid the scene and just deal with/ignore her cousin, or is it more important to her that her wedding day be cousin-free, even if it means a possible dramatic scene?

[DaffodilDreams]

After reading the backstory and if it were me, I'm afraid neither the niece nor SIL would be welcome at the wedding.

[lea1]

We didn't have a nursery at our wedding and lots of children were invited. I set up a children's table with lots of fun stuff for them to do, if they wanted, during the reception. It went over very well with children and parents alike.

[catz]

Instead of paying for childcare, maybe the bouncer is a better idea. What a whack-a-doodle. :grouphug:

[Eagle]

"There isn't a need for a nursery since there are no young children invited to the wedding." If your niece utters one word about you being rude I would explain that since she wasn't invited to the wedding it was not something that had needed to be planned. But since she rudely invited herself she could graciously accept that she is permitted to come or else stay home if this is all too much trouble for her.

[magnificent_baby]

I love children and was a primary teacher before I was married. We could not, however, afford a wedding that included children. We had to severely cut the guest list as it was. I did want my relatives to come, if they could. My parents left me with relatives to attend weddings on the other side of the family. I have left my children with dh and attended out of town weddings. Sometimes folks are just doing what they can to have a wedding.

 

 

I can understand that. I take things more personally than most, so I'm probably in the minority who feel this way. I rarely go anywhere without my kids, by choice, so probably not the norm here.

 

ETA: Still though, I'd never expect someone to provide childcare for me, that's just rude. I'm guessing she is being passive aggressive for her daughter not being invited, which is childish behavior.

[Lisa R.]

 

 

For the record, I failed to note in the original post that this niece is not invited to begin with though her brothers are. Now, that might seem rude to many of you, however, you need to understand the history. She's HORRIBLE to dd, just horrible. I think the child may have inherited her mother's narci tendancies x 10. The history is not kind and dd, when younger and putting up with this stuff at family events, was very long suffering and gracious about it. This young lady has absolutely no reason to believe she should be invited.

 

 

Having won her bid to attend, she's now demanding childcare and her mother is claiming we are chumps (stronger words were used actually) and violating all good rules of decorum by not having a staffed nursery.

 

 

 

So...an uninvited wedding guest is demanding that you provide childcare for her? Seriously? This is astonishing on more than one level.

 

Since you don't feel comfortable telling her not to come at all, I think the best response is no response at all. None. There is nothing you could say that they would hear as reasonable. If you don't respond, there are no words that can be taken out of context.

 

I'd ignore all calls from them as you're busy with other wedding preparations. Any messages received by them should be ignored as you're busy.

[vonfirmath]

I'd get a bouncer.

 

We needed one at our wedding. Luckily, the uninvited guest we were expecting to show up decided not to. But it caused a LOT of unnecessary stress in the month leading up to the wedding!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Faith, you've gotta keep posting about the wedding. We are your safety valve, remember? Use bad words on us if we annoy you, whatever it takes, but for Pete's sake we deserve the end of the story!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

double post

[catz]

We had some uninvited guy at our wedding. It was an a hotel in a downtown area. Some dude just walked in, sat down for dinner, danced, was in photos, chatted with us. Honestly, it was completely hysterical after the fact. He kept telling everyone he was a minister. He was clean and well dressed. On the upside, he did not demand childcare.

 

And we absolutely must have photos! :D

[renmew]

No, that's crazy to demand such a thing. Now, my little sister just got married in December, and because I have three young kids (invited), but no "plus one" to speak of, I asked if my "plus one" could be a teenage babysitter I was paying for. My sister said that was fine. Now, I did ask, and many might think I was rude for that, but if I had had a plus one, I wouldn't have brought along a babysitter, too. This was just so that I would have some help with the kids, as my mom and my sister, my usual extra hands, were obviously pretty occupied for the day.

[MistyMountain]

I didn't have a big wedding but I been to weddings and I never heard of that being an expectation ever. You either invite kids or you don't. If they are invited they are your responsibility. What a sense of entitlement! I don't use that term very often. I'm guessing she got her way all the time growing up and had a hover parent. That takes audacity.

[skimomma]

B ) that people having weddings invited adults and excluded their children specifically. I need a refresher on wedding etiquette because when my bestie got married we counted whole families when calculating the guest list and who to cut for budget reasons, and I'd never think to invite half of a family.

 

There are all sorts of events, including weddings, that children are not invited to. I am not sure what is confusing about that. I understand that a lot of people choose to have children at their weddings or feel strongly that children are important to have at weddings, but others prefer not to include children. Either is perfectly within proper etiquette parameters. Just as electing to not attend a wedding because your children are not invited is also within proper etiquette. What is NOT proper etiquette is bringing your children to a wedding when the invitation is addressed only to the adults in the family. Or in the OP's case when the mother and child were not invited at all. Crazy!

 

I have stayed home from several myself because dd was not invited and I was not able to find an acceptable childcare arrangement....including a wedding in which dh was the best man and I was very close with the groom. It was on the other side of the country and the wedding couple did not seem to understand that they would HAVE to help us find a sitter if they wanted us both to attend. I made no stink but simply declined to attend when they decided it was not within their responsibilities to help me set up a childcare arrangement. They were disappointed, but I feel it was their choice, not mine. How on earth was I to find someone to watch my kid in a town and state where I did not know anyone? I think they wanted us to leave dd at home. Dd was an exclusively breastfed infant at that time. Uh. Not gonna happen.

 

I have seen everything, including provided childcare, but I certainly do not expect it and would not even sort-of think about providing it in the OP's situation. Whack-a-doodle-doo!

[skimomma]

No, that's crazy to demand such a thing. Now, my little sister just got married in December, and because I have three young kids (invited), but no "plus one" to speak of, I asked if my "plus one" could be a teenage babysitter I was paying for. My sister said that was fine. Now, I did ask, and many might think I was rude for that, but if I had had a plus one, I wouldn't have brought along a babysitter, too. This was just so that I would have some help with the kids, as my mom and my sister, my usual extra hands, were obviously pretty occupied for the day.

 

I think that is a perfectly fine request given the circumstances.

[Sahamamama]

I'm receiving flack for not staffing a church nursery or providing at my expense, a babysitter for my niece so she can bring her two year old to dd's wedding, but not have to take care of her. My sister in law thinks I'm a real chump for not doing it. To the point that she's called my mother and my mother in law to complain that I'm clueless on etiquette.

 

Seriously, is there an etiquette rule out there that says we are supposed to provide childcare? In my day, such a thing was not done. Either kids were invited or they weren't and it was up to the parents to choose how to deal with it. (We didn't actually invite said two year old great niece, her mother just announced she wanted her daughter to attend and expected us to provide on-site childcare in case she gets noisy or needs a nap.)

 

Faith

 

:blink: Well. Your niece is the center of the universe. I wonder where she gets it from? The nut doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

I'd let that complaint roll off me, that's for certain. Her uninvited toddler, her problem. Or suggest that your SIL pay for a sitter for her grandchild. ;)

 

IMO, proper etiquette is to leave all children who are not specifically invited by name somewhere else, with the possible exception of nursing newborns.

 

It's a WEDDING, not Mom's Morning Out or Vacation Bible School.

 

Enjoy the wedding. :grouphug:

[Giraffe]

 

 

Wow. What a classy lady. :blink:

 

So... what's to stop her from bringing her daughter anyway, and then just letting the kid wander off so everyone else has to watch her?

 

 

Oh no...Mergath...I'm so tired I hadn't stopped to think of that.

 

I guess I will spend the weekend thinking about this.

 

Faith

 

Don't.

 

Don't think about it, don't provide a paid babysitter/nursery for ONE child of an uninvited person. Don't watch the kid. Don't worry about the kid. It is not your kid, it is not your responsibility. This may sound harsh, but simply put, you are giving into this woman and her mother by worrying about this. Worry about your own daughter and the wedding. Not some crazy person's babysitting woes.

 

Ok, maybe you can warn the wedding party about the situation and if a child starts screaming or toddling up the aisle during the ceremony to just ignore it and proceed. Have someone on hand to act as an usher to escort the child AND the woman out when it starts screaming (or the mom does).

 

And keep posting about the wedding. Please.

 

(Donning my flame suit now).

[Pippen]

I've been to a lot of weddings but have never seen on-site childcare provided. I think your SIL is the one who's clueless about etiquette.

 

I hired a couple of older teen girls to watch kids in the church toddler room during the ceremony. It was easy for the parents and their kids were nearby since it was on-site. Parents really seemed to appreciate having the option.

[Hoot]

Umm no. I didn't provide childcare and still wouldn't if I had to do it over again. Either you bring your kid(s) and deal with them yourself or leave them home. Honestly, unless children are expressly invited, I'd be pretty miffed if someone just up and announced that they were bringing their toddler to my wedding. Kids are loud, messy, get into things, get antsy, and mess with things they're not supposed to if they're not properly supervised. A wedding isn't a place for them unless plans have been made for them to be incorporated into the day in some way.

[QueenCat]

Have someone on hand to act as an usher to escort the child AND the woman out when it starts screaming (or the mom does).

 

Please do this, so that if the child creates a scene, your daughter will not have her focus shifted from her soon to be husband to the child.

[RoundAbout]

The last wedding I attended did provide child care. Many were from out of town so it was a thoughtful gesture.

[Catwoman]

Faith, it sounds like both the kid and her mom should be staying at home.

 

I'd tell her, in no uncertain terms, that this is not her wedding and she has no right to try to tell you or your dd how you should handle any part of it, and if she doesn't like it, she can stay at home with her dd and the problem will be solved.

 

I really and truly would tell her just that. She has no problem telling you exactly what she thinks, so why should you feel the need to appease her in any way?

 

You and your dd are under enough stress. You don't need that narcissistic, unreasonable idiot's garbage.

[redheadmom]

Nope. It is not required that you provide a nursery or babysitter. You are creating the rules for this wedding. You can choose to have no children or only children older than 7 for example.

 

From Ms Post ( Emily Post's great-great-granddaughter):

 

Washington, D.C.: We plan to not have kids at our wedding reception. My family does not like the idea. Am I right for not wanting kids there even if one of them is my 18 month old niece?

Anna Post: It's up to the couple and the hosts (as in, those paying, such as parents) to decide about kids or no kids at the wedding. So yes, it's up to you. But know that you may have to smooth some ruffled feathers, or lose some guests who can't find childcare. And be sure not to make exceptions -- it's not fair to those who do find childcare.

[FaithManor]

You are all so great! The reason I was thinking about not posting on the wedding anymore was because of numerous other threads in which there just seems to be a lot of angst and anger about who gets invited, who doesn't, the size, children, no children, bad manners this, bad manners that...it's kind of an accumulation over time on the board that it appears that weddings are sources of stress for everyone who attends them or gets invited to them and most certainly, I can say from personal experience, that family members can make life miserable for the people who have to plan them.

 

Thank God for my mother and mother in law. These women deserve their own awards' banquet and red carpet ceremony. They are so supportive, helpful, loving, etc.

 

I'll think about maybe putting some pics up. It's not until June. I do have pics of some of the things I've made. But, given that my SIL does occasionally search me out and has, as yet, not discovered this website, I may need to be careful. If she recognizes something in a photo from the search, she'll be able to connect those posts with me. Sigh....that ought to be good for some serious narci behavior.

 

Hmmmmm...you all have been a huge help to me. I'll have to reconsider my stance and see if in the future, a few pics could be delivered to the Hive.

I'm thankful to be online today. I did not think I would have a break in my friend's chemo schedule until Mid-March. The snowstorm caused his appointments to be canceled - a break he and his wife desperately needed - so I did not juggle providing childcare for their littles and in a rare moment of crazy, I gave our boys a "snowday" from homeschooling. When I told them, they nearly fell off their chairs. LOL

 

You've made me feel better. Now, about the uncle that won't attend because "She's not changing her name which is code for 'uncommitted to the relationship' so she'll be divorced inside of a year!" Nah....he's just not worth having a thread over. :smash:

 

Faith

[Sahamamama]

After reading the backstory and if it were me, I'm afraid neither the niece nor SIL would be welcome at the wedding.

 

 

Yeah, um... you may have a situation. Ironically, I hadn't read your post about the narcissism when I said your niece is the center of the universe, but apparently she thinks she is, huh?

 

If she's tried to sabotage your daughter's good times before, what's she up to now? What's her motivation for being like this about the wedding? I would question that. I would question why an UNINVITED cousin feels the need to crash my daughter's wedding. Based on the history, it's not as though she's going to be there to positively support your daughter's happiness.

 

I tell you what, Faith, I might hire a bouncer for this wedding, certainly before I'd hire a sitter. Better yet, I might recruit some big and burly, sympathetic-to-your-daughter men to stand at the church door and do "interception." Show them a photograph of your niece, explain the situation, and let them handle it with firm authority. Does your daughter have any sympathetic cousins, male friends, big brothers, or brothers of the groom? Line of defense? Let the men in her life stand up for her. You focus on being the mom on the wedding day. She will need you to be the mom. :)

[KatieJ]

We had some uninvited guy at our wedding. It was an a hotel in a downtown area. Some dude just walked in, sat down for dinner, danced, was in photos, chatted with us. Honestly, it was completely hysterical after the fact. He kept telling everyone he was a minister. He was clean and well dressed. On the upside, he did not demand childcare.

 

And we absolutely must have photos! :D

 

 

That happened at my son's wedding too! When the father of the bride figured out we didn't know these two guys who were dancing with his younger daughters, he approached them and they fled!

[Catwoman]

 

You've made me feel better. Now, about the uncle that won't attend because "She's not changing her name which is code for 'uncommitted to the relationship' so she'll be divorced inside of a year!" Nah....he's just not worth having a thread over. :smash:

 

 

I don't know... that one could be kinda funny! :D

[FaithManor]

That happened at my son's wedding too! When the father of the bride figured out we didn't know these two guys who were dancing with his younger daughters, he approached them and they fled!

 

 

Whoa! That's scary! How young were the girls?

 

Faith

[KatieJ]

Whoa! That's scary! How young were the girls?

 

Faith

 

 

12 and 15 maybe? I think he was dancing with the 15 year old when the DAd approached them.

[bettyandbob]

My MIL paid for a sitter for my SILs infant dd and invited the best man to take advantage with his baby boy. SIL was in the wedding. Both of the infants were still breast feeding so they had to be nearby the ceremony. The best man's wife could have brought the baby to the ceremony but she did not want to. She left the baby with the sitter and went to feed him between the ceremony and reception, as did my SIL.

 

My sister left her baby with her own MIL. My brother brought his 2 yo dd and he and his wife monitored her themselves.

 

We did not officially have a sitter and I do not believe it is the norm to have a sitter. When my dc have attended weddings with me, I paid attention and monitored my dc.

 

It's nice to offer. But I think it's tacky to demand.

[happypamama]

Skimmed the thread, but if someone is coming from out of town, it might be nice to arrange a sitter/nursery so that they don't have to. But I'd only want to do that for nice family that I liked, not someone who was rude to me/my children!

 

I don't think we arranged a nursery at our wedding, but that's because I wanted all the children there (I included them all by name on the invitations, or at least put "and family" after the parents' names) and didn't care if there were a few little noises. I also trusted that parents would remove children who made excessive noise, or that they would arrange a sitter on their own if they didn't want to risk that.

 

Unfortunately, I think arranging some sort of sitter might actually be the best thing in this situation. Even though this woman was not actually invited, what if she crashes it and then allows her child to wander around, be disruptive, and make noise? If you've arranged a sitter, at least you could point the mom and her child in that direction and thus hopefully avoid the interruption.

 

Vent away! That's why we're here! I'm sure it will be a beautiful wedding!