PSA regarding "save the date" wedding announcements...

[KatieJ]

I agree with Ellie on some of this, but not all. I don't necessarily need a save the date from someone I see weekly at church as I probably will find out the date and put it on my calendar.

However, we ( my husband and I) now live in a different state from both of our families. When our daughter got married 10 years ago almost the entire list of wedding guests were coming from out of state and staying in hotels. Think 140 people of 160 who attended the wedding. There were literally people here from 20 states, including Alaska and the Bahamas. I am not exaggerating. Some of them needed longer than 6 weeks to save up for airplane tickets and other traveling costs.

Save the date cards were not the big deal then, and we did send out emails and made phone calls to ask people to spread the word.

Save the date cards would have been nice for us to have back then.

 

When my son got married several years ago, her family all live local, but again, my extended family is all out of state. They sent out those magnets , but they didn't cost much. They found some kind of deal online. Yes, there is postage involved. I won't argue that point. For some of us, they make perfect sense.

[Orthodox6]

I don't like this modern innovation. I'll be a minority voter, but it smacks of commercialism.

 

Currently, I am "saving the date" to sacrifice my next birthday for an out-of-town wedding of a young cousin. I'm happy to go, as I'm fond of this wing of the clan. Guess it's just reminding me of my severe annoyance when a friend scheduled her wedding on my very first wedding anniversary. (I was one of her bridesmaids.)

[vonfirmath]

Wouldn't a phone call or email work just as well, and save the expense? I mean, if it's about logistically planning for family who you know needs to make travel plans, etc, wouldn't an email or call saying, "Hey, Aunt Joan, we've set our wedding day as _____. We'll be sending out invitations, but know that it's more complicated for you to make it, so wanted to give you a head's up now. We realized that b/c of ____, more time could make the diff btwn you being able to share this w/us, and really wanted to ensure that you didn't miss being here b/c of short notice."

 

Wouldn't THAT make more sense? Or am I being practical, common sensical, and financially responsible again?

 

For that matter. Why send formal invitations at all? You could just call people and let them know.

 

*shrug* For formal occasions, people like to do things a bit more formally. And this way the person you send it to has something concrete in their hands to remind them, rather than it going in one ear and out the next.

[Zuzu822]

For a minute there, I was wondering why you would be neutral on the subject of STDs...

 

and then I realized we were still talking about SAVE THE DATE cards... :blush:

 

I think I need more caffeine this morning. All of the pistons in my brain don't seem to be firing yet.

 

:smilielol5:

 

I'm just way too smooth with my wedding lingo. :p

 

(I did wonder about the wisdom of shortening that! :blush: )

[nono]

1. I have no problem with a heads-up save the date, via email, phone call or traditional mail.

 

2. It does not replace the invitation. Therefore, an invitation, which deserves an RSVP, must still be issued.

 

To issue a "Save the Date" and subsequently not issue an invitation to the actual event? :ohmy: It is the heighth of ignorance. (And not to mention, rather mean-spirited!)

[SMRB]

We did them (printed them ourselves), but only because all of our family is out of town or out of country. We sent them about 4 months before the wedding, and only after we had booked a block of rooms at the hotel so we could provide that information so our family could get the best rates. Calling every one of them and trying to convey that information was definitely impractical, and they don't all even have or use email.

 

I agree they are not supposed to replace invitations, and send them to people you're not inviting to the wedding is horribly rude. They do serve a purpose in some cases, though. I never would have paid to have someone else do them, though.

[KungFuPanda]

Can I tell you how funny it is that we're calling these STDs???

 

Ellie, so yours was a pre-invitation that you must RSVP to to get the actual invitation?

 

WTH IS a save-the-date photo shoot???? I'm glad I don't have to get married again. This is nuts!

[Cinder]

We've only received one save-the-date card and I'm guessing it was because the actual wedding was in a town 2 hours away. It was for a young couple at our church; the wedding was in the groom's hometown. Dh wanted to go to show support because he's friends with the bride's father. But we never received an actual invitation. I had no plans to get the family dressed up, drive 2 hours and then try to figure out which church this wedding was supposed to be at and then drive 2 hours home. Uh-uh. Without an invitation I'm not saving the date unless you're a family member or very, very close friend.

[RoundAbout]

The last wedding I attended the couple sent out save the date cards and it was really appreciated. We travelled across the country from San Diego to Boston and it was a big help snagging good airfares. I don't think they were very expensive - probably done on Snapfish or something. Unfortunately emails get buried and phone calls can be very time consuming if you have a big guest list and everyone wants to chat for 30 minutes. Many people take calls while out and about which makes writing things down a pain.

[MFG]

Emily Post says, "Everyone who receives a save-the-date card must receive an invitation". In italic so you know this is Very Serious. Doing otherwise is incredibly tacky.

 

Dd is getting married one month from today (eek!) and we considered but did not send save-the-date. Everyone who we knew we wanted to invite heard through conversation, email, Facebook (gasp!) or something. Also, we did not have the guest list finalized so we were not sure who to send to and who not. Add to that the additional expense and the fact that it would not be a particularly busy time of year and we do not live in a particularly exotic location and it just didn't seem worth it.

[Meriwether]

I've appreciated the ones I've received. They were special weddings, involving travel for us. While 6 months is too early to start asking people for RSVPs and firm commitments, it is a great time to give people a head's up so they can save the weekend and make travel plans if necessary.

 

 

The ones I've gotten were for cousins 2,000 miles away. It's nice to be able to plan ahead for that sort of trip.

[unsinkable]

We recently got a save the date card for a high school graduation.

[KatieJ]

We recently got a save the date card for a high school graduation.

 

 

Where is the dislike button!

[PrairieSong]

Weddings are such big business these days! We got married back in the Stone Age and I had never heard of a Save the Date card. We sent out invitations, had a simple reception, and that was that. I am amazed at how much brides spend on wedding dresses, gala receptions, and all the fancy trimmings, not to mention huge rocks on their fingers. I doubt if any of it strengthens marriages.

 

I have received Save the Date announcements and even a couple magnets, but I already knew the wedding dates in each case, and all the announcements and magnets are now in the landfill.

 

And don't get me started on all the baby paraphernalia new moms need now. Oh well, I suppose people can spend their money however they choose.

 

[Ellie]

I guess I'm just old and crabby, but I see the whole "save the date" thing to be yet another instance of people thinking that their wedding is the center of the universe, and everyone they have ever met should be sitting by the mailbox, anxiously waiting to see if they made the cut and will be invited to the Occasion of the Century. :glare:

 

Ummm... no.

 

Your wedding matters to you and it probably matters to your close friends and immediate family members. I have met you twice. I barely remember you. So don't be so arrogant to assume that I'll be "saving the date" when there is almost no way that I could possibly care less if or when you're getting married. I'm not saying that your "save the date" card won't be helpful, because it will; it'll give me extra time before I receive your "real" wedding invitation to come up with a plausible excuse as to why I won't be able to attend.

 

Look, I can understand informing important, loved guests well in advance if they'll be traveling from out of town, but people are sending these notices to casual acquaintances who live around the corner, and who may not even care if they're invited to the wedding. I don't care what those shows on TLC want them to believe; their wedding just isn't that important in the overall scheme of most people's lives, and they really need to get over themselves.

 

And one more thing -- don't tell me how you and your intended had to move back into your mom's basement because you couldn't afford to pay the rent on your apartment, when you're also sending me a formal engraved Save the Date card in an envelope addressed by a professional calligrapher. I'm probably not going to have a whole lot of sympathy for you. (And yes, this actually happened.)

 

 

(((soul sister))))

[Ellie]

Can I tell you how funny it is that we're calling these STDs???

 

Bwaaahaaahaaaa!

 

Ellie, so yours was a pre-invitation that you must RSVP to to get the actual invitation?

 

Apparently.

 

WTH IS a save-the-date photo shoot???? I'm glad I don't have to get married again. This is nuts!

 

 

It's what happens when you follow the advice of someone other than Miss Manners, lol.

[Hikin' Mama]

Interesting...I've gotten a few save the dates, always to weddings that I would have to travel some distance to. No RSVP was required and an invitation came later. I don't see the big deal. I took it as a head's up so that we could plan time off work, make travel plans, etc. I guess I think in the big scheme of things this really isn't worth getting worked up over. Now if you want to bring cupcakes to school.....don't get me started. ;)

 

(Jk about the cupcakes)

[Parrothead]

We recently got a save the date card for a high school graduation.

I've seen those too.

[Wheres Toto]

I received a save-the-date, together with oldest dd, for the wedding of her dance teacher/studio owner. A studio owner who she saw 4 to 5 times a week, a studio owner that dd worked for, a studio owner that was planning to have her senior dancers dance down the aisle before the wedding party (and was holding practices for it), a studio owner that was planning to have them also do a dance at the reception (and was holding practices), a studio owner who did let them know that not all of them (nor the parent who would have to drive them to the ceremony since 99% of these girls did not drive) would actually be invited to the reception other than to do their dance.

 

I was NOT going to save the date to travel over an hour just for the wedding ceremony of someone my dd didn't even like that much, especially considering dd was somewhat offended at the idea of being pushed to be the entertainment without actually being invited to celebrate. Turns out (maybe because she was an employee as well?) that she was invited to attend the reception as a guest but it ended up being on dd's move-in date for college when the college was an hour from home in one direction, and the wedding was over an hour from home in the opposite direction. Moving in to college was more important to dd.

[ktgrok]

Yup, I'm with you on all counts. And in this case, it wasn't only the formal, printed card; it was a refrigerator magnet. The bride spent a fortune on those, I'm sure.

 

Furthermore, because I did not RSVP to the save-the-date announcement, I did not recieve an invitation to the wedding. :blink: :huh:

 

 

 

Wait..what? Ok, I was all ready to post in defense of save the date cards, but they didn't invite you afterwards????? That is crazy. Insane. Unheard of.

 

This is how it is supposed to work, using as an example a good friend of mine that lives several hours away:

They send the save the date to me. I look at the cute card with cute picture on it of the couple and smile at their joy. I put said card on my refrigerator (love the magnet ones!). I mark my calendar so I don't make different plans that day. I await the actual invitation. After the wedding, I leave the card/magnet on the refrigerator as a reminder of when their anniversary is and just because I like seeing their smiling faces.

 

Sounds like maybe the bride was young and didn't realize save the date cards are not invitations????

[FaithManor]

Stopping in briefly today ladies has I have a slight break in schedule due to the storm and medical appointments being canceled. Yeah...a chat with online buddies!

 

Anyway,

 

We did save the dates for out of town guests coming a long distance. Here is the reason, many of these guests are older. They are not on facebook, they do not check or answer emails, and they are difficult for dd to reach by phone. She works nights and has two hours of commute time. Her fiance is in class in college from 7 a.m. - 5 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursdays, at his internship (which is a two hour commute each way!!!) from 8 a.m. - 6 p.m. Wednesdays and Fridays, back on campus for study groups on Saturday, and sleeps most of Sunday in order to make up for some sleep deprivation from the previous schedule. Frankly, it's amazing these two ever got together! LOL

 

Five days per week this is what dd's schedule looks like this:

 

Sleep until 4 :15 p.m., get up and get ready for work.

On the road by 5:00, at work at 6:00 p.m.

Work 12-14 hrs. - as a medic, there are more shifts that run over than get out on time

 

So somewhere between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. she drives the hour home...tired to the bone. That is NOT a good time to be on the phone calling relatives about your wedding.

Goes to bed because she has to get her mandatory sleep in order to not kill patients from sleep deprivation affecting her ability to do med-math, diagnose accurately and efficiently, etc.

 

The whole thing starts all over again at 4:15 p.m. She does not make personal phone calls while on shift. Seriously, do we want medics yacking on the phone in the ambulance? In nearly all cases, she does not spend more than one or two hours on any shift at a station house. Most of the time, she's sitting on some street corner in a city that is not particularly safe and in which being alert and aware of your surroundings at all times is a must.

 

Two weeks per month are four days per week. The other two are five and then there are the mandatory courses and lectures required every quarter for all of the EMT's and medics to attend.

 

On her off days, she has to maintain her sleep schedule. So her free time is at night when she's awake and the hour from 5-6 p.m. and 6 or 7 a.m. when she is not driving on her days off. It makes it exceedingly difficult to communicate with others. On her off days, occasionally, she has had to go with only 3 of 4 hours of sleep so she get some wedding things done.

 

Add to that the issue that the people who didn't know she'd become engaged and didn't know the wedding date very quickly were mostly older relatives who as I said above, are technologically unadvanced. Shoot, Aunt V. doesn't even know how to use her answering machine yet rarely answers her phone, but if she were not given a heads-up in time to get a good price on plane tickets, she'd have made sure to let us know how slighted she felt.

 

Dh works from home 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. and sometimes later. It's common for me to not have use of my home phone until our older relatives are getting ready for bed and then with time changes as everyone lives all over the country, the whole darn communication thing gets even more complicated to say nothing of relatives in the military stationed in Europe who would like to try to fly home for this wedding. So, something concrete and on paper WELL in advance for them was a must. Of course, we didn't have to send cards to everyone...only those that we have a hard time communicating directly with, however, I can tell you that if anyone on the guest lists finds out that some people got them and some didn't, I'd be on here telling you all how I got my butt chewed off and have people not speaking to me because they were slighted. Everyone.takes.offense.at.everything.always. That's what I've learned as mother of the bride.

 

So, that's why we did it. We didn't have ulterior motives. We don't think dd's wedding is the center of everyone's universe. We aren't manipulating to get gifts and we aren't out to hurt people's feelings or one up the neighbors. The only darn motivation for the whole dumb thing was to make sure people got the information far enough in advance to make travel arrangements if they wanted to, and I sincerely hope that anyone who feels obligated to come and doesn't want to attend with a joyful heart, will bloody well stay home and not ruin the day. They will ALL receive an invitation unless they contact me and say they are offended at receiving the card; we'll scratch them off the list and apologize profusely for being, I don't know, consciencious.

 

Personally, I'm already thoroughly sick of the whole thing. People take offense at EVERYTHING! Literally.every.possible.action.inaction.phrase.wording,you.name.it. these days.(We even have one relative NOT attending because she heard through the grape-vine that dd may not change her last name or may hyphenate for professional reasons and he says this indicates she isn't committed to the relationship and will be divorced inside of a year!) If I gave you a list of things that seem to offend people on the guest list, your heads would spin! DD now wishes she weren't having a wedding.

 

So, please, the OP does have every right to feel slighted at receiving a save-the-date and then no invitation. That's so rude it's ridiculous and some bride and groom somewhere do need a reality check. I have no problem commiserating with her on that.

 

However, don't then imply that every single bride and groom who do use this method for communication are brats. It's not so.

 

Additionally, we thought it was a nice way to send a photo. Many people will not have met him prior to attending because he lives out of state. The wedding invitations will include maps, lodging info, RSVP cards, etc....already crammed with lots of information and no room for a picture. We thought that this way, people could at least recognize the groom who the groom is when they arrive.

 

We made our own date cards - Dh has an HP photo printer. We paid $25.00 for the stationary and about 10 cents each to print. 55 were sent. So, 46 cents a piece and 45 cents to mail. It didn't break the bank though I'm sure if we had them made, they would have cost much, much more.

 

Faith - a very worn out mother of the bride who is secretly thankful for the storm because A. friend gets a break from his chemo and it was much needed and B. I am not driving to his house to take care of their children so his wife can take him to chemo which C. sounds selfish except that she needed a break and the extra sleep and some down time with the children. So, if I sound particularly bearish...please forgive me. I feel like a bear!

[Renthead Mommy]

I think a lot of you are looking at this as older wives with kids, versus new brides, not long out of college, with friends that don't have a lot of kids yet.

 

When all my friends were getting married, knowing ahead of time when the wedding was would be a huge help. We didn't have kids. Many of us didn't even have pets. We went places and did things. And we did them often. Knowing when your friends wedding was ahead of time was good to know so you didn't get tickets for something that weekend, book a short cruise or trip, plan on going to a game or even schedule a visit to a different set of friends. Plus if it was a distant wedding, it gave us time to decide if we were only doing the wedding or adding something else in while on that trip.

 

Plus who wants to try and get 200+ people on the phone to tell them save the date? And a phone call and emails are easy to lose. Like a PP said, it comes in the mail, you keep it till you have time to mark it into our calendar.

 

And why do you care what they spent? It's their money. Weddings are important to some people. It is the biggest party they will probably ever have. If they decide that is where to put their money, then let them. As long as they aren't asking you for the money, what do you care?

 

I will say, that you only send save the dates to people you are planning to invite. To send one, and then not invite them, unless there was a huge falling out is just wrong. But OP did you call closer to and ask? You were sent the STD, you would have been in the right to ask about the wedding. It's very possible something happened to your invite.

[Renthead Mommy]

As for STD for graduation parties, again for some people these are really big parties, not casual backyard BBQ's. The whole idea is to allow people to plan ahead. No one is saying my day is more important than anyone else, but if it is something you would normally go to, wouldn't it be nice to know not to buy tickets to a show or schedule your contractor to start demoing your kitchen the day you would rather be at the party?

[KungFuPanda]

Stopping in briefly today ladies has I have a slight break in schedule due to the storm and medical appointments being canceled. Yeah...a chat with online buddies!

 

Anyway,

 

We did save the dates for out of town guests coming a long distance. Here is the reason, many of these guests are older. They are not on facebook, they do not check or answer emails, and they are difficult for dd to reach by phone. She works nights and has two hours of commute time. Her fiance is in class in college from 7 a.m. - 5 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursdays, at his internship (which is a two hour commute each way!!!) from 8 a.m. - 6 p.m. Wednesdays and Fridays, back on campus for study groups on Saturday, and sleeps most of Sunday in order to make up for some sleep deprivation from the previous schedule. Frankly, it's amazing these two ever got together! LOL

 

Five days per week this is what dd's schedule looks like this:

 

Sleep until 4 :15 p.m., get up and get ready for work.

On the road by 5:00, at work at 6:00 p.m.

Work 12-14 hrs. - as a medic, there are more shifts that run over than get out on time

 

So somewhere between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. she drives the hour home...tired to the bone. That is NOT a good time to be on the phone calling relatives about your wedding.

Goes to bed because she has to get her mandatory sleep in order to not kill patients from sleep deprivation affecting her ability to do med-math, diagnose accurately and efficiently, etc.

 

The whole thing starts all over again at 4:15 p.m. She does not make personal phone calls while on shift. Seriously, do we want medics yacking on the phone in the ambulance? In nearly all cases, she does not spend more than one or two hours on any shift at a station house. Most of the time, she's sitting on some street corner in a city that is not particularly safe and in which being alert and aware of your surroundings at all times is a must.

 

Two weeks per month are four days per week. The other two are five and then there are the mandatory courses and lectures required every quarter for all of the EMT's and medics to attend.

 

On her off days, she has to maintain her sleep schedule. So her free time is at night when she's awake and the hour from 5-6 p.m. and 6 or 7 a.m. when she is not driving on her days off. It makes it exceedingly difficult to communicate with others. On her off days, occasionally, she has had to go with only 3 of 4 hours of sleep so she get some wedding things done.

 

Add to that the issue that the people who didn't know she'd become engaged and didn't know the wedding date very quickly were mostly older relatives who as I said above, are technologically unadvanced. Shoot, Aunt V. doesn't even know how to use her answering machine yet rarely answers her phone, but if she were not given a heads-up in time to get a good price on plane tickets, she'd have made sure to let us know how slighted she felt.

 

Dh works from home 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. and sometimes later. It's common for me to not have use of my home phone until our older relatives are getting ready for bed and then with time changes as everyone lives all over the country, the whole darn communication thing gets even more complicated to say nothing of relatives in the military stationed in Europe who would like to try to fly home for this wedding. So, something concrete and on paper WELL in advance for them was a must. Of course, we didn't have to send cards to everyone...only those that we have a hard time communicating directly with, however, I can tell you that if anyone on the guest lists finds out that some people got them and some didn't, I'd be on here telling you all how I got my butt chewed off and have people not speaking to me because they were slighted. Everyone.takes.offense.at.everything.always. That's what I've learned as mother of the bride.

 

So, that's why we did it. We didn't have ulterior motives. We don't think dd's wedding is the center of everyone's universe. We aren't manipulating to get gifts and we aren't out to hurt people's feelings or one up the neighbors. The only darn motivation for the whole dumb thing was to make sure people got the information far enough in advance to make travel arrangements if they wanted to, and I sincerely hope that anyone who feels obligated to come and doesn't want to attend with a joyful heart, will bloody well stay home and not ruin the day. They will ALL receive an invitation unless they contact me and say they are offended at receiving the card; we'll scratch them off the list and apologize profusely for being, I don't know, consciencious.

 

Personally, I'm already thoroughly sick of the whole thing. People take offense at EVERYTHING! Literally.every.possible.action.inaction.phrase.wording,you.name.it. these days.(We even have one relative NOT attending because she heard through the grape-vine that dd may not change her last name or may hyphenate for professional reasons and he says this indicates she isn't committed to the relationship and will be divorced inside of a year!) If I gave you a list of things that seem to offend people on the guest list, your heads would spin! DD now wishes she weren't having a wedding.

 

So, please, the OP does have every right to feel slighted at receiving a save-the-date and then no invitation. That's so rude it's ridiculous and some bride and groom somewhere do need a reality check. I have no problem commiserating with her on that.

 

However, don't then imply that every single bride and groom who do use this method for communication are brats. It's not so.

 

Additionally, we thought it was a nice way to send a photo. Many people will not have met him prior to attending because he lives out of state. The wedding invitations will include maps, lodging info, RSVP cards, etc....already crammed with lots of information and no room for a picture. We thought that this way, people could at least recognize the groom who the groom is when they arrive.

 

We made our own date cards - Dh has an HP photo printer. We paid $25.00 for the stationary and about 10 cents each to print. 55 were sent. So, 46 cents a piece and 45 cents to mail. It didn't break the bank though I'm sure if we had them made, they would have cost much, much more.

 

Faith - a very worn out mother of the bride who is secretly thankful for the storm because A. friend gets a break from his chemo and it was much needed and B. I am not driving to his house to take care of their children so his wife can take him to chemo which C. sounds selfish except that she needed a break and the extra sleep and some down time with the children. So, if I sound particularly bearish...please forgive me. I feel like a bear!

 

 

Noted

[GailV]

 

Scenario 3: You get the actual wedding invitation in the mail, to which you RSVP. :-)

 

But then your RSVP is a "no" because the invitations are sent out closer to the actual date, and dh planned a business trip to Italy that same week, plus you missed your chance at reduced airfare.

 

By the way, I'm a huge advocate of handwritten correspondence whenever possible, but pre-printed Save the Date cards make more sense to me than handwritten notes via snailmail, as you mentioned in a different post.

[Sparkle]

Dear Miss Manners,

 

I recently received a Save the Date notice from a relative, notifying me that her wedding date is planned for next summer. I had not realized said relative was even seeing someone seriously, but am very happy for her and duly noted date on my calendar. However, when discussing the engagement with another relative, I was told that engaged woman is actually already married, having taken vows at City Hall. No one is supposed to know this little fact, and we are forbidden to discuss it. Do I act as if I am ignorant of the situation and attend wedding, or do I send a gift and my congratulations and forbear to attend wedding, as bride and groom are already married?

 

Signed,

Confused in California

[Ellie]

 

For that matter. Why send formal invitations at all? You could just call people and let them know.

 

*shrug* For formal occasions, people like to do things a bit more formally. And this way the person you send it to has something concrete in their hands to remind them, rather than it going in one ear and out the next.

 

 

A save-the-date announcement is NOT a formal thing. The formal thing to do is to send engraved, properly worded invitations 4-6 weeks before the wedding. That way the guests have something concrete in their hands to remind them.

[Catwoman]

This whole "save the date" thing is a relatively recent phenomena. For some reason, it's something that people now believe they are supposed to do, and that everyone on their potential guest list both needs and wants to reserve their possible wedding date, because heaven knows, they wouldn't want to miss out on attending the Wedding of the Century.

 

Apparently, everyone who ever got married in the past must have picked really boring days to get married, because even though they didn't ask people to "save the date" a year in advance, guests actually showed up at their weddings after receiving just one measly invitation. Gosh, those people were lucky. You can't take chances and roll the dice like that today. Now a Save the Date magnet with the smiling, happy couple's photo on it is practically a requirement. :rolleyes:

 

And FWIW, I'm not putting a stupid Save the Date magnet on my refrigerator. I do not need to see the joyful duo staring at me every time I go to get some milk.

[Acorn]

 

Scenario 3: You get the actual wedding invitation in the mail, to which you RSVP. :-)

 

 

I think most wedding invitations come 4 - 8 weeks before the wedding. That would not be enough time for us to arrange time off of work and make travel arrangements.

[Ellie]

 

 

I think most wedding invitations come 4 - 8 weeks before the wedding. That would not be enough time for us to arrange time off of work and make travel arrangements.

 

Presumably someone who cared enough about you to invite you to the wedding would give you a heads-up far enough in advance so you could make arrangements.

[Acorn]

 

Presumably someone who cared enough about you to invite you to the wedding would give you a heads-up far enough in advance so you could make arrangements.

 

 

Right, via a save the date card.

 

I don't think it is necessary but for some people it is nice. If you don't like it, recycle the card, and wait for the invitiation.

[Catwoman]

Right, via a save the date card.

 

No. Not really.

 

I think Ellie probably meant that if you knew them well enough to be willing to travel a long distance to the wedding, you would presumably also be in touch with them often enough that they might actually come right out and tell you when they're planning to get married.

 

I'm not saying that the Save the Date cards don't have their place when a large number of guests will be traveling from out of town to attend, but I've gotten them from people who live in the next town... and they've wanted me to save a date that's over a year in the future. (And in all of the cases, I only knew one half of the couple -- and not very well. In one instance, I'd never met either the bride or the groom, and my dh and I were nothing more than casual acquaintances of the bride's father.)

[Zuzu822]

Okay, I want to ask about the "save-the-date" photo shoot. Is that in addition to engagement photos? I thought having some kind of "shoot" or portrait session was pretty standard? My dad did photos of my DH and I while we were engaged. A few times actually as the seasons changed... Or are couples adding a shot from their engagement session to the STD? Or are they doing both "types" of photos at once?

 

My sister and her husband had engagement photos done and included one on their STD postcard. My sister-in-law is a wedding photographer and I see both formal and informal shots in her work...some including couples holding signs that say "save the date."

 

I don't care either way (I say the more pictures the merrier throughout one's life!) but it came to mind after reading a post that mentioned a save-the-date photo shoot in a rather disparaging way...

[BarbecueMom]

 

 

No. Not really.

 

I think Ellie probably meant that if you knew them well enough to be willing to travel a long distance to the wedding, you would presumably also be in touch with them often enough that they might actually come right out and tell you when they're planning to get married.

 

 

Nope. I didn't know several of the people at my wedding, and they were all relatives! I only have contact with my dad's family through my dad, and DH isn't aware he has relatives unless I remind him.

 

We didn't send out save the date cards though. I honestly didn't care who showed up, which is why in hindsight we should have eloped.

 

Can we stop blaming the brides for all of the faux pas, especially things like "save the dates from children of casual acquaintances"? That's obviously a paying parent interference issue. It seems that despite all of the people involved in weddings and showers and parties, the young bride/mom/woman tends to take the brunt of the backlash, regardless of who is actually responsible for the etiquette breach. It's a bit sexist and annoying. There's enough clueless men, parents, and hosts to go around.

[Catwoman]

 

Can we stop blaming the brides for all of the faux pas, especially things like "save the dates from children of casual acquaintances"? That's obviously a paying parent interference issue. It seems that despite all of the people involved in weddings and showers and parties, the young bride/mom/woman tends to take the brunt of the backlash, regardless of who is actually responsible for the etiquette breach. It's a bit sexist and annoying.

 

 

No.

 

It's the bride's wedding.

 

She takes the blame. If she's not adult enough to take responsibility for the decisions that are made regarding her own wedding, perhaps she is not adult enough to be getting married.

[BarbecueMom]

 

 

No.

 

It's the bride's wedding.

 

She takes the blame. If she's not adult enough to take responsibility for the decisions that are made regarding her own wedding, perhaps she is not adult enough to be getting married.

 

 

Last time I checked, it takes two to get married. Why only the bride?

[Tammyla]

I had the same question and felt the same way. (I'm guessing about the gifts thing, but when it mentions where they are registered; I'm just thinking that's why.)

 

What? Why would they send save the date cards/magnets to people they were not intending to invite to the wedding? That is the whole point of saving the date, so people can attend the wedding. :ohmy:

 

And gifts for a save the date? :svengo:

[Catwoman]

Last time I checked, it takes two to get married. Why only the bride?

 

Because most grooms would rather slit their own throats than get into the middle of wedding planning.

 

But hey, I'm more than willing to blame the couple in general, not the bride individually. :)

[Tammyla]

Big snort! STD cards! :smilielol5:

 

 

Some STD cards do include RSVP info. The two we have received this year both included the web address to the online wedding site for the couple. Both wedding sites had a link for RSVPs. They also had links to gift registry's, maps to the wedding venue, etc.

[DianeW88]

I've never even seen one of those. Being LDS (with that whole "no sex before marriage" thing), most marriages occur within two to five months of the engagement. Announcements/invitations are sent a month before the wedding.

 

I also don't understand long engagements either. If you want to get married, get married. Don't drag it out and torture everyone around you with wedding garbage for a YEAR or more. That is crazy to me.

 

For the record, my engagement was four months long. We were married in Salt Lake with a large reception that evening, flew to Denver for another large reception there the next night, went on a week long honeymoon to Cancun, then had an open house/reception at my parents' country club in Delaware. All that was very doable in a four month time frame.

[beaners]

It makes me so sad that people get so bent out of shape about what should be a celebration. If that's what you think about me, please just don't come. There is no way to have a wedding and not have someone upset about something you did.

 

I am SO glad that my husband and I got married on our own. I'm sure everyone thought that was "tacky" and scandalous too, of course, but I didn't have to hear about it so I came out ahead.

[Catwoman]

It makes me so sad that people get so bent out of shape about what should be a celebration.

 

Just because some of us think the Save the Date cards are kind of stupid, doesn't mean we're "so bent out of shape."

[Mrs Mungo]

1. I have no problem with a heads-up save the date, via email, phone call or traditional mail.

 

2. It does not replace the invitation. Therefore, an invitation, which deserves an RSVP, must still be issued.

 

To issue a "Save the Date" and subsequently not issue an invitation to the actual event? :ohmy: It is the heighth of ignorance. (And not to mention, rather mean-spirited!)

 

 

I agree, unless the wedding was canceled/put off.

 

Save the dates are pretty common in military circles. The bride and groom seem to use them to figure out whether the people they REALLY want there are going to be in the country and move the wedding, if necessary.

[Mrs Mungo]

Nope. I didn't know several of the people at my wedding, and they were all relatives! I only have contact with my dad's family through my dad, and DH isn't aware he has relatives unless I remind him.

 

We didn't send out save the date cards though. I honestly didn't care who showed up, which is why in hindsight we should have eloped.

 

Can we stop blaming the brides for all of the faux pas, especially things like "save the dates from children of casual acquaintances"? That's obviously a paying parent interference issue. It seems that despite all of the people involved in weddings and showers and parties, the young bride/mom/woman tends to take the brunt of the backlash, regardless of who is actually responsible for the etiquette breach. It's a bit sexist and annoying. There's enough clueless men, parents, and hosts to go around.

 

 

 

No.

 

It's the bride's wedding.

 

She takes the blame. If she's not adult enough to take responsibility for the decisions that are made regarding her own wedding, perhaps she is not adult enough to be getting married.

 

 

Uhh...I think it's really unfair to put it on the bride to figure out who the groom and his family should be inviting to the wedding amongst their friends and family. I guess, especially in my world (where pretty much nobody lives near their families) this would be almost impossible for a bride to know about the groom's familial relationships.

[BarbecueMom]

 

 

Because most grooms would rather slit their own throats than get into the middle of wedding planning.

 

But hey, I'm more than willing to blame the couple in general, not the bride individually. :)

 

 

It just irritates me when I see people blamed for stuff that they were unaware was a problem or had no hand in. When I got married, I had never lived in a household with a married person and had only been to one wedding in my life (six months before mine). I had no frame of reference and relied on a lot of bad advice. I don't think I did anything too bad, but people are so picky about insignificant crap I wish we'd just eloped.

 

It happens with baby showers too. Whatever bad happens, it reflects on the new mom, which is ridiculous because mom doesn't do any of the planning or hosting! My friend tried to throw me a surprise shower with my first, because she was upset that I refused to have one. She called a bunch of high school classmates, many of whom I barely knew or got along with. I think she was envisioning a reunion or something. It made things so awkward afterward with the few that were acquaintances, because I looked like the desperate person cold-calling out of the yearbook for a gift-grabbing party. I didn't even know about all this until a mutual friend told me later what had happened!

 

So yeah, didn't mean to snip at you Cat, I'm just a little sensitive about this issue.

[Danestress]

I

 

I also don't understand long engagements either. If you want to get married, get married. Don't drag it out and torture everyone around you with wedding garbage for a YEAR or more. That is crazy to me.

 

For the record, my engagement was four months long. We were married in Salt Lake with a large reception that evening, flew to Denver for another large reception there the next night, went on a week long honeymoon to Cancun, then had an open house/reception at my parents' country club in Delaware. All that was very doable in a four month time frame.

 

 

I had a year long engagement. I don't see the problem, and I don't remember dragging anyone through "garbage." My dh surprised me with a ring and asked me to marry him. I was happy to agree, but was 2 years into a degree I wanted to complete and had a full scholarship for. He had just moved for his job. I didn't want to quit school, and I didn't want to spend my first year apart. We just had a year long engagement. I can't imagine why anyone beside the two of us would have any opinion about that at all.

 

 

[beaners]

Just because some of us think the Save the Date cards are kind of stupid, doesn't mean we're "so bent out of shape."

 

 

Ok. I can't understand why people have such strong negative feelings about someone else getting married. (Or other celebrations.) I don't personally have the desire or space in my brain for so much negativity. Other people must have bigger brains than I do or something. For that reason, I'm now going to pretend I never saw or commented on this thread. ;)

[ktgrok]

 

Presumably someone who cared enough about you to invite you to the wedding would give you a heads-up far enough in advance so you could make arrangements.

 

Yes, and the save the date card is your heads up.

[ktgrok]

No. Not really.

 

I think Ellie probably meant that if you knew them well enough to be willing to travel a long distance to the wedding, you would presumably also be in touch with them often enough that they might actually come right out and tell you when they're planning to get married.

 

I'm not saying that the Save the Date cards don't have their place when a large number of guests will be traveling from out of town to attend, but I've gotten them from people who live in the next town... and they've wanted me to save a date that's over a year in the future. (And in all of the cases, I only knew one half of the couple -- and not very well. In one instance, I'd never met either the bride or the groom, and my dh and I were nothing more than casual acquaintances of the bride's father.)

 

In this day and age it isn't just about travel, it is about work schedules. MANY people have to plan their days off from work about a year in advance if they have a hope of getting it. My husband used to have to sign up at the start of every year or he was NOT assured of getting the time off. It sounds like these people don't know you well enough to know your work situation, so they are making sure you have the notice you may need.

 

Plus, seriously people, a young couple are in love, planning a future together, and plain out excited about it. They want to share their excitement, and start the fun of wedding planning, and a save the date card is a way to do that. Be happy for them.

 

I can NOT imagine getting a save the date card, a heads up about something so wonderful, and NOT feel just plain happy about it. Feeling put out, annoyed, or like it is silly would not be a reaction I would have to that kind of excitement over love.

 

Of course, unlike a previous poster, I DO put them on my fridge, and DO like seeing happy, smiling, in love faces looking at me when I get my milk. I keep birth announcements on there too. Babies and people in love decorate my kitchen, what's better than that?

[Orthodox6]

It sounds as if you aren't in regular touch with said relative, at least not enough to know much of what goes on in her life. Around the time of the second wedding, you might just send a congratulatory card only and leave it at that. (Attend the service if you wish to do so.) It is hard to imagine that she will have been married for so many months and survived in a house or apartment fully unfurnished and without any towels, pots/pans, sheets, glasses, etc.

 

 

Dear Miss Manners,

 

I recently received a Save the Date notice from a relative, notifying me that her wedding date is planned for next summer. I had not realized said relative was even seeing someone seriously, but am very happy for her and duly noted date on my calendar. However, when discussing the engagement with another relative, I was told that engaged woman is actually already married, having taken vows at City Hall. No one is supposed to know this little fact, and we are forbidden to discuss it. Do I act as if I am ignorant of the situation and attend wedding, or do I send a gift and my congratulations and forbear to attend wedding, as bride and groom are already married?

 

Signed,

Confused in California