Are you a better parent than your parents were?

[Pegasus]

I've been thinking about this off and on over the years since I became a parent. I do not think that I am a perfect parent (or anywhere close!) but I do think I am a good parent and in some ways, I do think DH and I are a better parents than our parents were and I'm hoping that my daughters become even better parents than we are.

 

So, do you think your parenting is better/worse/or the same than what you received and in what areas? I think we are better in the areas of safety, discipline, and openness (lots of subjects were off limits when I grew up).

 

Pegasus

[Jen500]

I don't think I can answer that question. Different times, different kids, different situations.

[OnTheBrink]

I think I'm better in the sense that I treat my dc with more respect than my parents treated me, and I protect(ed) them from things that were not appropriate for their age and maturity, which my parents didn't do.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

in a lot of ways, we are parenting a lot like them. In other ways, we are completely different. But, if my dc feel about me the way I feel about my parents when they are all grown up with a family of their own, I will feel extremely blessed!

[Shenan]

I KNOW I am a better parent than my mother!! My grandparents and aunts and uncles were constantly taking my sisters and I into their homes for large segments of time, while mother was off doing who knows what.....

 

Dh's parents did a GREAT job of raising him and I believe dh is also doing a great job of following in their shoes!;)

[Perry]

I may not be a great parent, but I know I'm a better parent than my mother was. It would be hard to be worse.

[Kathleen in VA]

My mom was mentally ill so I cannot fault her, but I do know I am a better parent because at least I'm here. My mom spent a great deal of my childhood in mental hospitals. My dad was a good provider but he had some very odd ideas about raising children - not protective in the very least and went out of his way to expose us to things waaay beyond our years and many things I think no one should ever be exposed to. It was the 70's - I'm Ok, You're Ok and all that rot.

[Mom to Aly]

My mom is a saint--we are two sets of twins, 13 months apart--yes, four kids in 13 months. We have almost no pics of when we were young, and I asked her why once, and she said all she remembers of then was babies and diapers! My dad was a workaholic and basically no help, and she had a nurse for a couple of months after my bro and I were born, but that is it.

 

She was a great mom, truly amazing, but, honestly, and I do hate to say this about myself, I do think I'm better. I give everything I have to my dd--I don't spank (which is the biggest thing I hold against my mom--I think that is so wrong), I don't yell (big thing #2), I don't guilt (big thing #3), and I am ultra careful not to do anything in anger (#4).

 

My father was a wonderful man, horrible father. He loved us so much, but took me well into adulthood to realize that. He was from India, 42 years older than us, had a very hard life when younger (born in Pakistan, and had to leave, mother and sister slaughtered in front of him during partition), brilliant scientist, thought academia was everything, no patience for us. Terribly strict, demanding, yelled about everything, terrible emotional and verbal abuse. I think that is really why I am so careful about dd. I learned from him, mostly, what not to do--I had a long time to think about it, and, instead of repeating his mistakes, have worked all my life not to. I have never called anyone a name in anger or exploded and let rip--I feel that is something people do to get things off their chests, and it is never forgotten--rather wimpy way out sometimes, and I will not do it.

 

Anyway, I have a true respect for my dd--I see her as an equal, not a possession which is what my father really thought of us. He loved to "show us off", which I hated.

 

My dd is the most precious thing in the world to me--I admire her morals and standards, which I believe are better than mine, I love her adoration and respect of animals and nature, her intelligence impresses me everyday, as does she. She is sensible, with a pragmatism most adults don't have. We chose to homeschool on basically no money, giving up most material objects, and she seems to find it easier than I, as I would love to buy her so many things--she will just say "no" when I am feeling guilty, and I know she means it.

I've said it here once before, and it is so true--my daughter is my hero--I really don't think anyone can surpass her in my eyes.

 

She has had an absolutely horrible time with a verbally and emotionally abusive father as well (you cannot imagine how shocked I was to discover he was like that, only after he left us), gone through things that no 9 year old should have had to endure, and, instead of breaking her, it did make her stronger and more empathetic towards others. Where my mom was weak when my dad was like that, and simply let it go on, I understood what to do and was strong for her, although traumatized to see her go through it, and to know I was the one who chose this man as her father. I would never have stayed with him had he been like this while we were together--my mom never considered leaving my father, no matter how horrible he was with us.

[abbeyej]

I think my parents did a great job, and my mother was radically better than *her* parents. I don't think she faults them for it now, but it took an awful lot for her to learn to be a good parent to her own kids. It's much, much easier for me, 'cause I had a good example for parenting when I was growing up.

 

I think I'm doing as well as my parents. I hope so. Some things I try to do better, and other things I know I don't do as well. But I hope my children will look back on their childhood and be glad of the parents they had. As glad as I am of my parents.

[Liz Mc in SC]

I don't know about better....but different yes. I think good parents don't try so hard to repeat what their parents have done, but to take all the things we liked growing up and try to weave them into how we are parenting now.

But even that might not work with our kids....they might not think ANYTHING we think is fun, is fun. LOL

[*anj*]

I think I'm better in the sense that I treat my dc with more respect than my parents treated me, and I protect(ed) them from things that were not appropriate for their age and maturity, which my parents didn't do.

 

Yes, I feel pretty much the same way. I voted "About the same/or/better in some ways..." because yes, I believe that I treat my children with more respect than my parents gave me. I have protected and will continue to protect them from certain things that are not age appropriate. My parents were very strict in some ways, but paid no attention at all to some other things (music/books/tv/movies) that influenced me.

 

I think that as children, we (my brother and I) treated our parents with more respect than my children do for me. There are things that my children do and say that shock me. I have found myself saying more than once that I would never have spoken to my mother in such and such a way. And I wonder where the connection lies? I felt that my parents didn't respect me enough as a child, but we surely respected them, partly out of fear. I wanted to show my own children more respect, and I feel that they take advantage of that and why? Have I not knocked the fear of Mom into them? I don't want to get their respect that way. But I don't want to have a nine year old tell me "no" when she's asked to put her clothes away either.

 

Well, I'm getting side-tracked here.

Yes, there are some ways in which I am a better parent than mine were. But there were some ways, mostly related to discipline, in which I think they were probably better. I think I'm better at showing affection and giving grace to my children.

 

Hmmm...lots to consider.

And ftr, I love my parents dearly. They made some big mistakes with us, but I don't hold grudges (anymore) because I know that they were doing the best they could with the resources they had.

[Testimony]

in about ten years from now. I don't think that I can honestly answer it.

If my children are half as successful as my parents were with my sister and me, then I would say, "I'm at equal plain."

 

I cannot compare. I graduated from my state university, got a job, got married, bought a house, and have children. My parents never graduated from school, were foreigners to this country, got a job, bought a house, had children. Both of their children graduated from college: One is a Havard graduate, a doctor, and making great money. The other is a Rutgers graduate, a former social worker, now a full time home educator, also owns her home, and is debt-free. No mortgage, no loans!! Guess who I am?

 

Right now, I cannot say that I have accomplished anything, but that I have taught my eldest son 4 years of school. Call me in ten years.

 

Blessings in your homeschool journey!

 

Sincerely,

Karen

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/testimony

[*anj*]

 

Right now, I cannot say that I have accomplished anything, but that I have taught my eldest son 4 years of school. Call me in ten years.

 

Karen,

That's a great answer! I would like to rep you for it, but I'm all out for today. :001_smile:

[Crissy]

Not better, but definitely different.

 

It seems to me that there are issues that stand out in nearly every childhood, things we know we will do differently with our own children. At least that's the case with my parents and me. As it was with their parents.

[cin]

I checked better, but my mom did have some mental issues, and dad was not there emotionally for her. She could not have children, so they adopted. I was her precious, precious little doll. And I was the ONLY child.

 

I wasn't allowed to run because I might fall and hurt myself. (And today, I can barely walk and chew gum!). I was her pride and joy. And, I had ADD, and she was OCD. Not a good mix. Especially during the teen years. I was not perfect, and it was devastating to her. I always felt that I had let her down, and I still live with that today. I do hope that I can let my children be themselves and NOT try to impose my dreams upon them.

 

I know that my post is somewhat rambling. I've got several things going on in the background, so please forgive me....

[angela in ohio]

I checked yes, but there is a catch...

 

My parents did many things right that we also do: strict discipline, promoting learning, and spending all of their time with us. I think that my Christian faith makes me a better parent, though, than my parents were without it, but only through the grace of God. So I think I am a better parent, but I take no credit for it.

[gardenschooler]

I'd have to say better because my children's basic needs are taken care of, among other things. My mother had a lot of problems, though, so it wasn't entirely her fault, or a really conscious decision on her part.

[*anj*]

She could not have children, so they adopted. I was her precious, precious little doll. And I was the ONLY child.

 

 

 

Cin,

Was she able to be empathetic toward you when you struggled with infertility? I just think it's kind of an interesting coincidence that you were adopted and you in turn ended up adopting children.

 

I had a friend like that once. She'd been adopted as an infant, and then she also ended up adopting two children.

People would sometimes ask her the silliest question. I wonder if you've ever been asked it? Every now and then she'd tell someone the above story and then they'd say "Wow, do you think it's hereditary?" She'd look at them like :001_huh:. Some people just open their mouths without stopping to think first. :glare:

[mommylawyer]

I always say that even though I was an only child, I was not my parents' favorite. Daddy would play and engage me from time to time. My mom wasn't much of a "little kid" mom (or a "teenager" or "adult" mom for that matter). I was only allowed to have friends over on special occasions and could rarely have anyone over just to play. I remember, at a very young age, escaping to my room and staying there alone most of the time. We rarely went anywhere as a family - even if it was just to a park, etc.

 

I think that's why I want a large family, why I insist on being active with my children, and why I just want to be involved and engaged with my family.

[cricket1178]

Although I'm not winning any Mother of the Year awards, I am definitely a better parent than my parents were to me. My parents divorced when I was 9. My dad was hardly in my life after that. He worked all the time. Still isn't in my life much. My mother just couldn't handle the pressure of raising 3 kids on her own. She became an alcoholic and is still dealing with the consequences of it. I think my parents did the best they could with what they were given, and apparently gave me enough to do better.:)

[elegantlion]

I think we are better parents. Dh and I were discussing this tonight. My parents were better than their parents for sure. My parents left a lot of things up to school system to teach us, things that they really knew better, I wish they imparted their wisdom instead of trusting the school system to do it. My parents are awesome people and I appreciate them so much as an adult, I wish they had given us more guidance as children.

 

My dh had a unique situation. His mom was widowed when he was 9. She had 5 kids under the age of 12. She went to school full time and worked full time. She truly just wasn't there and dh was left to his own devices. Not a good thing. It is a miracle he survived to adulthood with all the trouble he got into. She did what she felt was best, but dh is making better choices with his health and time. It a somewhat sore point to me, because dh could have used stronger parental guidance.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I voted that I was better because my mother suffered from untreated depression and did the martyr routine. She's now 82 and is somewhat better because we almost forced her to take meds but now has the habit of being negative and resentful which obviously will never change.

 

It wasn't really her fault but life with an untreated depressed mother is hard on kids.

[nmoira]

I voted "other." I don't think I'd consider myself a better parent than my father. My mother had/has some fairly substantial psychological issues that prevented us from even bonding... so I don't think it's a fair comparison.

[GSMP]

No ands ifs or buts about it.....I am a better parent than my parents could have ever been.......

 

I am not perfect either......but I am a good Mother,Mom and Momma.

 

 

 

Yep...I am a better parent.....but in my humble opinion...it is only by the Grace of God I am the parent that I am today.....

[AmyB]

abuse, poverty

 

No, I wouldn't have been able to deal with it as gracefully as my parents did, esp Mom.

[Linda...inOwasso]

Without question, I am a better parent than my parents were. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm willing to look inward and attempt to adjust my shortcomings.

 

And, I admit & apologize to my dc when I mess up -- something my parent's would never have considered.

[Michelle T]

admittedly she wasn't great, so my bar is set low. But I am definitely a better mom than mine was, and my DH is a better dad than my dad or his dad was.

Michelle T

[Rosie_0801]

I've only just started, but so far I would consider myself a much better parent than mine were. When I had my daughter, Mum told me she wished she had parented us the way she wanted to, instead of the way she thought she should. Whatever mistakes I make in the future, at least I'm parenting by my own thoughts and decisions instead of parenting by peer pressure. My dad? Producing kids doesn't mean you really parent them. They did the best with the resources they had, but I can't help thinking Dad should have made it his business to increase those resources. If you ask him now, it's all Mum's fault because she wouldn't let him parent. Obviously I can't comment too much on that, but all I remember that would back up that statement was a few arguments where Mum refused to let us do something Dad said we should be able to do. Things we wouldn't have even let us do! So, thank goodness for Mum, despite mental illness and control freakiness!

Dh is a better parent than his were. He actually recognises his daughter as a person who's humanity is just as valid as his. His mother is constantly manipulating him to make herself look like the good guy and his dad to look like the bad guy. His dad does little other than lecture everyone to boulster his sense of superiority and considers people's life experiences to be worthless unless they are at least 60 and agree with him. They are all for education, but somehow, despite being far more educated than my parents, they seem to have done a worse job. Still, they didn't have terribly good role models either, so I guess, like all parents, they did the best they could.

I don't imagine my kids are going to grow up and give glowing reports of my parenting, but I hope they are able to say "they did their best and weren't nearly as bad as some I've heard of!"

:)

Rosie

[Trivium Academy]

Honestly, even my parents have said this...I'm more patient, compassionate, aware and playful than they were. They were better disciplinarians, but I work to balance more. My parents never thought about the effects of watching tv, worried about us being abducted when we went to friends' houses, cared what we read, etc. Most of the time, family time was what my parents wanted to do- if Dad wanted to go fishing, we all went fishing. If Mom wanted to go to the flea market, we went to the flea market. I feel like I have better relationships with my kids than my parents did with us (bro & I) growing up.

 

I think it also to do with the times, the information constantly streaming into my life whereas my parents weren't bombarded by different parenting ideas all the time, etc.

[lynn]

Honestly, even my parents have said this...I'm more patient, compassionate, aware and playful than they were. They were better disciplinarians, but I work to balance more. My parents never thought about the effects of watching tv, worried about us being abducted when we went to friends' houses, cared what we read, etc. Most of the time, family time was what my parents wanted to do- if Dad wanted to go fishing, we all went fishing. If Mom wanted to go to the flea market, we went to the flea market. I feel like I have better relationships with my kids than my parents did with us (bro & I) growing up.

 

I think it also to do with the times, the information constantly streaming into my life whereas my parents weren't bombarded by different parenting ideas all the time, etc.

 

I thinking parentin philosophys can be somewhat generational. We were brought up the same way. TV passed the time. Mother didn't have to worry when we were out all day. Everything was done as a family no matter what it was.

[MyThreeSons]

I see a few others voted with me, but I don't see any explanations.

 

I'm just thinking of my Mom and me. The biggest difference is that my Mom was consistent. Our house was always clean and welcoming; mine is in spurts. Mom set up chore rotations, and stuck with them; I've made beautiful charts, but don't enforce them. Mom always managed to put complete, well-balanced meals on the table, even though she had little money to work with; my meals vary widely in their nutritional value. Mom dealt with issues right away; I tend to hope they'll go away. Mom made sure we "played outside" every day; my guys are couch potatoes in between soccer seasons.

 

She wasn't perfect, but I can't honestly think of any area where I'd say I'm better than she was.

[Plaid Dad]

I'm a warmer and more present father than my dad was, but I don't have anywhere near the patience or selflessness of my mother.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

I would have to say better, even thought it made me uncomfortable to say it. There are some obvious similarities and differences, but over all I think dh and I are closer to our kids than my parents were to me and my brothers. My mother wanted us in school so she could have peace and quiet, when we were older she wanted us out of the house as quickly as possible. My Dad was around a lot but he didn't really get to know us. They were both rather authoritarian.

[8filltheheart]

I don't think I can answer that question. Different times, different kids, different situations.

 

 

I didn't vote either b/c that was my gut answer.

 

My parents were born during the depression and kids had to become independent at young ages b/c families depended upon their jobs. Education as education was not valued within their families. Jobs were.

 

My parents were not involved "kiddie" parents nor were they ones to discuss emotions, etc. I am the youngest of a large family, so my POV is different from everyone above me. But, from my perspective, my parents did the best they were capable of. The raised us to think for ourselves and stand on our own two feet.

 

I have plenty of my own guilt for areas where I have not made the right choices for my children. I have honestly done my best and did what I thought was right even though in hind-sight I know it was wrong.

 

I hope that my kids don't analyze all of my actions and decisions in a microcosm of non-reality and instead know that I love them and made decisions in love and in the reality we were living in, even if they were decisions that somehow short-changed them in the end.

 

I don't think we can ask more than that from anyone. No one has a crystal ball that reveals what is at the end of the path of all the different choices.

[Book Crazy]

I know that I am a better parent than my mom; there are many reasons for me knowing this.

 

I saw things as a kid that no child should have to witness.

 

I did things as a kid that no adult should do.

 

Very hard childhood.

[3lilreds in NC]

I am not sure I can even answer this, because my kids are pretty young.

 

I adore my parents and think they were wonderful. They sacrificed a lot so my mom could stay home with us, and that was a precious thing. There was never any question that they loved us.

 

And yet.... my dad yelled a lot and I've had to face up to the fact that he was verbally abusive. Unfortunately I inherited that tendency and I am working hard to overcome it - but it's really hard. I do apologize to my kids which is something my dad would never have done.

 

I *know* God is helping me to become a better parent, because I am very aware of the good, the bad and the ugly in the way my parents raised me, and he shows me often what I need to improve about myself. It's painful and not terribly fun, but he knows I want to be a good parent so he's walking me through it. I *want* to be a better parent than mine were; I know they did their best but there were definitely things I'd change. I'm just not there yet.

[Peela]

So far, yes, but my parents were pretty good for a lto of my childhood. Until they separated when I was 13- they both neglected us kids after that point and became caught up with new relationships. So, since they really mucked up in my teens, and it truly scarred me deeply- I hope I can handle my kids teen years better. So far, yes.

I do forgive my parents, but man did they make a mess of my teen years.

I think its because of all the therapy and work I did on myself though, in my twenties mainly, because I was so disturbed from my childhood. I consciously did a lot of healing work. If I hadn't, I would be repeating my parents one way or another. It keeps going down the generations till someone stops it.

[Sweetpeach]

I had to say "other" -- comparing our parenting style with that of our parents is like comparing apples to oranges.

 

My mother brought to marriage and parenting an extensive package of brokeness, mistrust and hurt. Married a man who was beyond broken. She raised us on her own with limited financial, spiritual or emotional resources. She had little in the way of extended family.

 

I'm not sure under those circumstances that I could have done a better job of parenting. We always had food, shelter, gifts at Christmas, she taxied us to sports and church. She did the best she could with the tools she had and I wouldn't think to qualify my parenting skills as better.

 

I have more resources, more community, we don't struggle financially, we both feel ok in our world and that generally translates into a different style of parenting. Some might say it's better, but I'm not sure I'm reaching my full parenting potential based on the resources at my disposal.

 

Sometimes I just don't want to do the right thing and be the parent I'm called to be. Sometimes I'm lazy, easily discouraged, get behind in what's important . . . my mother seemed to be able to overcome the obstacles in a more consistent manner, despite the hardship of raising two children on her own.

 

My 2 cents.

Tricia

[Riverfront Headmistress]

Yes. However, I get advice from my parents all the time. Not that they always did things right with me, but they have lived (and survived) parenting. I respect their opinion.

[dirty ethel rackham]

In some ways I am a better parent ... more understanding of my kids, their needs (both physically and emotionally), more compassionate, more attentive, more encouraging. I some ways I am worse ... lazier, less disciplined. I am working on these. I think the better outweighs the worse.

[Doran]

I voted that I'm about the same --- better in some ways, worse in others. I agree with those who've said it is risky business to compare because our children are different than we were as children, because the times have changed, because it's not always useful to compare in the sense that we are trying to here. We are walking our own journeys, as are our children. Of course we are influenced deeply by our own experiences as children, and we are wise to work to change negative behaviors and patterns we may have inherited or learned from our parents. But - as my husband and I were just discussing last night - at a certain point, you have to stop blaming or crediting your parents for your present self and just be in charge of your own life, realizing it isn't your parents' life you're living.

 

At this point in my walk as both a daughter and a mother of daughters, I would not be able to say that I am cumulatively better or worse. I have chosen to parent my children differently in some ways, but even though I may think those choices are better, who's to say, really? Do my children get a vote when they are 46 and commenting on their feelings about being raised under my wing? You see, I'm still on the path, and I'm still making choices, life continues to evolve with me, or me with it. Presuming my children and I live a number of additional years, we still have a lot of rocks to step over and a lot of babbling brooks from which to drink along our paths. My mother and father are still affecting my life even though they are old and no longer "parenting" me in the ways of my childhood. I have friends whose lives have changed entirely in the past year, who are now dealing with spouses wrestling with addicition issues, depression, loss of job, infidelity, sickness. I just can't predict whether the sum total of my kids' experiences with me as a parent will be better or worse than mine with my parents. There are too many variables. I want to believe it will be a fair mix of both.