No advice needed... But no need to JAWM

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Feel free to bash and pass the abuse award of the day to me.

 

I do not care how much I'm supposed to ignore this. I tried thinking that he was asking for help. I tried being positive with him. I've had it for the day.

 

Ds screamed his last f u of the day. Got popped on the leg and sent to bed with no story an hour and a half early.

 

I get cursed at when HE decides ON HIS OWN to transition to another activity. He curses at me while I'm putting on his boots so he can play in the snow. He curses at me while I'm making him what he requested for lunch. He curses at me when he steps on HIS toys that HE left out. He curses at me when the DVD will not work.

 

I'm done. He can eat what i make, or not eat. He will not have electronics until i decide otherwise. He will not get to stay home while I'm in therapy.

 

He will complete his school work and chores and go hang out in his room for a little while before he's allowed outside to play. I also do not care that he needs this time outside. Treat everyone around you like crap, and all you'll get is crap.

[clarkacademy]

No kid will ever talk to me that way. I don't care what anyone says about anything he would eat his teeth here plain and simple. I cussed my mom once it only took once and that was it. I don't care that she smacked my mouth and washed it with soap either, I do not think it is abuse. That ki would be on lockdown until all I heard was yes mamm and no mamm, period.

[Unicorn.]

No bean dip or bashing needed. I think you did the right thing. Now comes the hard part; stick to your guns! Every time he cusses, tell him it won't be tolerated, and give him something nice to say. If he doesn't want to repeat the nice words, he can go to his room. He can ask nicely for something, or he won't get it, period. Stand tough mom, the battle has only just begun, but patience will win over in the long run. Now go have a Mike's!

[Parrothead]

I think it is time.

 

No need to be abusive about it, but it is time you put your foot down. Hard.

[Jen in PA]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Hold firm on this. The payoff will make it all worthwhile.

[maize]

I'm sorry. You've had a rough day.

[Rosie_0801]

Ugh. I hope you have a chocolate stash.

[BigMamaBird]

No bashing. :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

No kid will ever talk to me that way. I don't care what anyone says about anything he would eat his teeth here plain and simple. I cussed my mom once it only took once and that was it. I don't care that she smacked my mouth and washed it with soap either, I do not think it is abuse. That ki would be on lockdown until all I heard was yes mamm and no mamm, period.

 

 

eat his teeth? hyperbole or not, these kinds of statements making me sick to my stomach.

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

Some days are just difficult

[SJ.]

I'm sorry you are having a bad day. My oldest can be quite explosive at times and it is exhausting. :grouphug:

[Remudamom]

Hey, he got what was coming to him.

[fairfarmhand]

Hey, it's okay. You are a great mom. No flaming here. I've done and said worse to my own kids and it's okay.

 

Sometimes kid just need the wake up call that life's not all about them.

 

:grouphug:

[bolt.]

Today was... Today. But tomorrow is tomorrow.

 

I wonder what make him want to curse, why he directs it at you, and what else he might be taught to do about his feelings/reactions in situations like that. That sounds like a long term project... But I'll stop before I start giving any unwelcome advice.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I'm sure I'll feel like crap when the neuropsych says he has Tourette's or some rare language disorder where the language center of his brain disconnects when he's frustrated or the neuro says he does have seizures causing everything.

 

Ive taught ds's severe special needs friend to say beach instead of b****, but i cant nail down my own kids problems.

[clarkacademy]

I'm sure I'll feel like crap when the neuropsych says he has Tourette's or some rare language disorder where the language center of his brain disconnects when he's frustrated or the neuro says he does have seizures causing everything.

 

Ive taught ds's severe special needs friend to say beach instead of b****, but i cant nail down my own kids problems.

 

 

 

My son has tourettes and he would still get popped. You have had issue after issue with this kid and it seems to get worse, you need to put your foot down before he is doing it at 16. My other son has seizures by the way. He is also autistic and none of that is tolerated here.

[DianeW88]

You did the right thing.

[Parrothead]

I'm sure I'll feel like crap when the neuropsych says he has Tourette's or some rare language disorder where the language center of his brain disconnects when he's frustrated or the neuro says he does have seizures causing everything.

 

Ive taught ds's severe special needs friend to say beach instead of b****, but i cant nail down my own kids problems.

 

Even if it turns out to be Tourette's or some rare thing, he needs to learn to control it at some point. Otherwise there is little hope of holding down a job, finding a wife, or other normal adult things.

 

Just out of curiosity in case someone may think of something to help, where did he learn to curse like that? Maybe that has something to do with why.

[TheApprentice]

I was reading your post with my mouth open. Stay tough Mama. It will only get worse if you don't nip that. Like Now.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

It does seem to be getting worse in intensity. But overall, if i look at it without emotion, a lot of the negatives have decreased at least in duration.

 

He's doing his school work, and doing amazing, but in between every beautifully written cursive copied sentence is a tantrum. He's getting nothing less than 94% on his math tests, but only after he has a major meltdown. He has mastered drum beats that impressed his drum teacher. A kid with poor fine motor skills and poor motor planning is playing drums. He can clearly and perfectly recite the entire young marine creed and obligation. He's meeting all of his goals in speech therapy, but she recently discovered that he's completely missing prerequisite skills that, according to what she knows, should have prevented him from meeting these goals.

 

I just don't get it.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I HAVE done soap, but i can't consistently force feed a kid with feeding problems dawn foaming dish soap every time he curses. I do think that's abuse. I tried it thinking he'll never do it again, but he did and does.

[higginszoo]

:grouphug: I'm sorry it's been that kind of day. It probably is part of one of the issues that he has going on, but like my mom used to say, that is an explanation for the behavior, NOT an excuse for it. Stick to your guns, Mama. You're doing the right thing, even if it feels kind of rotten right now.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Thank you everyone.

 

He's sound asleep for hours now. Probably needs it.

 

I'm going to sleep shortly.

[PrincessMommy]

No bashing from me either. I think you did the right thing and from your follow-up it sounds like it had some positive results.

[Catwoman]

No bashing from me, either -- just lots of :grouphug:

[LostSurprise]

I'm sorry. No bashing here.

 

Have you read The Explosive Child? It talks specifically about this issue and dealing with children with low frustration tolerance (among other things). My son's psychologist recommended it.

 

My special needs son has rages and we spend a lot of time on teaching him to control his actions. He's young enough where he hasn't learned to swear yet though. :sad: Not looking forward to that day.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I've heard of the explosive child, but that's not one i have.

 

I made the mistake of getting "what your explosive child is trying to tell you" and it told me nothing.

 

Does he (in explosive child) actually give ways to deal with things? Ways to manage not typical kids?

 

I will see if the library can get it.

[TammyinTN]

No bashing at all...loads of hugs for you! :grouphug:

[justamouse]

(((hugs)))

[TranquilMind]

Feel free to bash and pass the abuse award of the day to me.

 

I do not care how much I'm supposed to ignore this. I tried thinking that he was asking for help. I tried being positive with him. I've had it for the day.

 

Ds screamed his last f u of the day. Got popped on the leg and sent to bed with no story an hour and a half early.

 

I get cursed at when HE decides ON HIS OWN to transition to another activity. He curses at me while I'm putting on his boots so he can play in the snow. He curses at me while I'm making him what he requested for lunch. He curses at me when he steps on HIS toys that HE left out. He curses at me when the DVD will not work.

 

I'm done. He can eat what i make, or not eat. He will not have electronics until i decide otherwise. He will not get to stay home while I'm in therapy.

 

He will complete his school work and chores and go hang out in his room for a little while before he's allowed outside to play. I also do not care that he needs this time outside. Treat everyone around you like crap, and all you'll get is crap.

 

I guess I have a couple of questions, out of curiosity?

 

How old IS this kid?

 

And where is the source of the cursing he is hearing? My younger kids didn't know any cursewords at all until at least 11 (due to hockey).

 

If he is a teen, well, we all know that they hear this language a lot from coaches, other players, etc.

[TranquilMind]

 

 

I made the mistake of getting "what your explosive child is trying to tell you" and it told me nothing.

 

 

 

Yeah, I've read all these. What the explosive child is trying to tell you is that he is pissed off! :glare: Thanks! Couldn't figure that out myself! (sarcasm)

[TranquilMind]

It does seem to be getting worse in intensity. But overall, if i look at it without emotion, a lot of the negatives have decreased at least in duration.

 

He's doing his school work, and doing amazing, but in between every beautifully written cursive copied sentence is a tantrum. He's getting nothing less than 94% on his math tests, but only after he has a major meltdown. He has mastered drum beats that impressed his drum teacher. A kid with poor fine motor skills and poor motor planning is playing drums. He can clearly and perfectly recite the entire young marine creed and obligation. He's meeting all of his goals in speech therapy, but she recently discovered that he's completely missing prerequisite skills that, according to what she knows, should have prevented him from meeting these goals.

 

I just don't get it.

 

I'm sorry. It sounds really tough, and he sounds really smart. Any chance he could have a food allergy (but maybe you've gone over all that)?

[Audrey]

Sometimes you have to lay down the law. Karma, baby. Dish out crap and you get it right back. I think it's good to teach kids this law early. Your ds is old enough for the lesson.

 

Go for it.

[SJ.]

I've heard of the explosive child, but that's not one i have.

 

I made the mistake of getting "what your explosive child is trying to tell you" and it told me nothing.

 

Does he (in explosive child) actually give ways to deal with things? Ways to manage not typical kids?

 

I will see if the library can get it.

 

 

I have this book but have yet to read the entire thing. I *believe* the author gives you ways to deal with this type of behavior but I never got that far into it. The first few chapters described our house at times and explained that typical discipline measures do not work with these children. Definitely get the book and let me know how it works.

[SJ.]

It looks like Chapter 6 has three plans - A. imposing adult will, B. collaborative problem solving, and C. dropping an expectation completely. You can view some of the book at amazon.

 

Here is the author's website: http://www.livesinthebalance.org/

[Mom-ninja.]

I'm sure I'll feel like crap when the neuropsych says he has Tourette's or some rare language disorder where the language center of his brain disconnects when he's frustrated or the neuro says he does have seizures causing everything.

 

Ive taught ds's severe special needs friend to say beach instead of b****, but i cant nail down my own kids problems.

 

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry. We've all been there at the end of our patience. Take a deep breath. Don't be too hard on yourself. When things have calmed down give him a big hug.

 

I hope you get some answers from the neuro because you've been waiting a long time for help. You both need it sooner than later. Hang in there. You are a good mom.

[LostSurprise]

I've heard of the explosive child, but that's not one i have.

 

I made the mistake of getting "what your explosive child is trying to tell you" and it told me nothing.

 

Does he (in explosive child) actually give ways to deal with things? Ways to manage not typical kids?

 

I will see if the library can get it.

 

Well...it was less helpful then I was hoping, but I think it is worth a library order.

 

It spends a lot of time trying to get parents to see that a lot of the behavior has to do with immaturity (developmental), either in making transitions (do they have problems changing activities?), expression (do they have problems describing how they feel or making requests?), controlling their feelings (fear/anger), or even logical processing (thus creating frustration). The idea is to recognize the signs of emotional build up, try to avoid them, work to negotiate a middle point, and help them talk through their frustrations and learn to recognize and cope with what's frustrating them.

 

My son's a bit young for it. With a developmental age of 4-5 he doesn't negotiate well. We have to use more behavioral techniques.

[LostSurprise]

One of the main ideas of the book is that this anger is the result of developmental difficulties and frustrations to everyday things. So while most neurotypical kids will react to "putting your foot down," it won't work for these kids because there is an underlying problem. Our anger only makes it worse. It doesn't change the underlying problems and actually adds to the stress of being unable to deal with situations which are normal/easy to us (not to them). Anger becomes a cycle which makes the problem worse, not better.

 

Like I said earlier, there are points I disagree with the author, but I think its a particularly worthwhile book for people with special needs children. It changed the way I thought about interactions with my stubborn SN son.

[Robin M]

I understand completely what you are going through. We are going through the same thing right now with our 13 year old with aspergers. Sometimes I think the f u's are part of his verbal tic, then there are times I think he is doing it deliberately. The problem occurs when we call him on it, then the blow up occurs. I get a bunch of denials and him accusing us of lying, etc. I try to remain calm but there are times when hearing f u too muttered under his breath when we start a conversation sets me off. Coming from a strict military family where swearing wasn't acceptable at all, I have a hard time ignoring it. No amount of soap or apple cider vinegar is going to stop him. Unfortunately with these kids, the typical discipline stuff just does not work.

 

We just set down a list of rules - written - that he has to abide by. No yelling, using bad tone, accusing us of lying,etc. Each time he goes off, my hubby sits down and goes over which rules he's violated and how it can be avoided next time. We'll see how long that lasts. Transitions and stress and excitement and playing video games too little or too long. Hard to find a happy medium. We are dealing with a 13 year old in puberty, emotions and impulse control exacerbated by aspergers and sensory issues. What used to work doesn't so we are having him re-evaluated and sitting down with psychiatrist. At times I feel like you and think it's tourettes, the other times not.

 

So hugs! The only thing you can do when you reach the end of your rope for the day is send them to their rooms.

[Desert Rat]

I always say that being a parent isn't tough. Being a GOOD parent is the hardest job there is. Good job being a good mom tonight, amo.

I chant a line from that show on TLC with the Roloff's. Little People, Big World. Amy, the mom, said, "I'd love to be my kids' friend someday, now is not the time."

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Thanks everyone!

 

Ds is 8 now. This started when he was VERY young, but has escalated in the last few years (psychologist and I targeted ds's physical aggression towards dd. physical decreased, verbal increased. Psych and I with ds's speech therapist at the time, agreed to ignore the verbal because he was expressing himself).

 

He heard it often. His father taught him "oh sh**" at 2 when he was still near non-verbal. I'm far from innocent. But he also heard it at the park, hospital, sped preschool, etc. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about it now.

 

The collaborative problem solving is probably why I do not have the explosive child. I know that ds is lacking major developmental skills, especially in the language area. I can'y see trying to problem solve with him. He just gets mad.

 

His language is so poor that his iq is testing at 78, but that dr doesn't feel that's an accurate number.

 

He's been slightly calmer since I posted. My father was here this weekend and ds even had a few meltdowns in front of him, including cursing so I know it's not just me.

 

Neuropsych consultation in January. Waiting for chiari institute. Once I get reports, I'll find a neuro and push for some testing. Possibly see a neuro teaam in Massachusetts.

[Night Elf]

The collaborative problem solving is probably why I do not have the explosive child. I know that ds is lacking major developmental skills, especially in the language area. I can'y see trying to problem solve with him. He just gets mad.

 

That must be tough. How about more :grouphug: for you!