Risky teen driver driving my kids...

[swimmermom3]

Our high school cut the bus service to our neighborhood this year. As a result, a 17 yo friend of my oldest son, a long-time neighbor, has been driving my sons to and from school as well as swim practice. This is five days a week and we pay gas money. The neighbor is a fine young man and I thought this was a workable situation until my youngest son commented on how aggressively the neighbor drives, exceeding the speed limit, taking corners too fast and trying to mess with other drivers while bellowing profanities.

 

I don't want my boys driving with him under these conditions and I know a conversation with his dad will result in the boy being furious with my guys. What is a polite, yet firm way of dealing with this situation that leaves our families' friendship intact? My oldest son's girlfriend has actually asked the young man to slow down and he just blew her request off citing the fact that she was the one that had an accident, not him.

[bettyandbob]

You could say you have adjusted your schedule because you prefer driving your dc. You have wanted to do this and now you have the opportunity.

[Unicorn.]

I would just say "We've decided to drive our own kids from now on", and leave it at that. If he pushes, You should tell him that you have concerns about the way he drives, and don't think it's the safest option for your kids.

[fraidycat]

Yikes, that's tough.

 

I'd be jumping through hoops to make alternate travel arrangements, though. I'd not want my kids riding with this driver and they would not from this day forward, even if i had to rearrange my whole life to chauffeur them myself. I'd only give a reason (talk to the Dad) if I was asked.

[A.Balaban]

This might sound crazy, but polite conversation and preserving friendship is not a priority in this situation. This risky teen driver is *knowingly* putting your sons/other passengers at risk by driving aggressively IMHO, it is the same as accepting a ride from someone who has been drinking. Please think about the other drivers on the road, and as winter conditions become even the most safe drivers can have accidents under winter conditions. I would talk to his parents, and forbid my kids to ride with that kid again. It's worth the caution, especially since it could potentially save your kids/other passengers/this kids life.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

"Thanks for all your time and care in driving my boys around so far this semester, but my schedule has changed and I find that it will be more convenient for me to take them myself from now on."

 

And wild horses couldn't drag any more out of me. If they keep asking why, just keep telling them that it just is your decision to make this change.When (not if, but when) the boy hurts himself or someone else, or starts racking up tickets and making his insurance unaffordable, everyone else just might draw the right conclusion, but I'd leave that to fate. And pray for the boy and the people he shares the road with.

[Joker]

My dad and brother were killed because of an irresponsible 16 year old driver. I would tell the parents and expect it to damage friendships. I would do it in a way that lets them know I am truly concerned about his safety, as well as the safety of those around him. I would not wait to see if he hurts himself or others. At least I would know I tried.

[Joanne]

I don't want my boys driving with him under these conditions and I know a conversation with his dad will result in the boy being furious with my guys. What is a polite, yet firm way of dealing with this situation that leaves our families' friendship intact? My oldest son's girlfriend has actually asked the young man to slow down and he just blew her request off citing the fact that she was the one that had an accident, not him.

 

 

 

On the bold; you can't find that perfect conversation. 17 year olds are defensive about their driving, even when it is risky and bad, and the adults are in the right.

 

The thing about boundaries is that you can't enforce them while also predicting the reaction.

 

{{hugs}}

[Danestress]

I would take a two pronged approach.

 

1. This kid driving your children ends now, forever. You drive. Yes, it's a pain. But now that you know how this kid as behaved in the past, you will never again have any peace at all about your kids driving with him, and if anything ever happened you would never forgive yourself. So for now, you are the driver again. I know that's easy to say.

 

2. I would absolutely tell the other parent what my kids told me. I would tell him nicely and in a way that lets him know that I am still like him and the kid and am not passing judgment on anything except the driving. I would want to be kind, matter of fact, and not emotional or accusatory. But I would tell him what my kids told me, because he loves his son as much as I love mine, which is to say that he loves him beyond any way to express it. If that child ever had an accident, you would feel bad for not telling the Dad. This is hard, but it's part of being an adult.

 

I seriously doubt the father will be mad at your for simply reporting what your sons said with no embellisments, emotions, or explanations. I have three sons, and my constant prayer is just that they will get caught doing things they aren't supposed to do. I absolutely want a neighbor to tell me if they see one of them driving too fast or being reckless.

[Trish]

This might sound crazy, but polite conversation and preserving friendship is not a priority in this situation. This risky teen driver is *knowingly* putting your sons/other passengers at risk by driving aggressively IMHO, it is the same as accepting a ride from someone who has been drinking. Please think about the other drivers on the road, and as winter conditions become even the most safe drivers can have accidents under winter conditions. I would talk to his parents, and forbid my kids to ride with that kid again. It's worth the caution, especially since it could potentially save your kids/other passengers/this kids life.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Locally there have been several VERY sad situations where parents have lost children due to a teen driver making a bad choice. And you have TWO kids riding with him. Hopefully they have ALREADY had their last ride with him. If you want to preserve the friendship I guess you don't mention the bad driving, come up with another excuse. But obviously I'd value my kids over anyone's feelings on the subject. Good luck, tough one to deal with!

[ELITEANDLOVINGIT]

I'd trust your children's intuition and find another mode of transport for them. If its not a horrible distance, perhaps a cab?

[Night Elf]

Is there any way you can drive them instead?

[Night Elf]

My dad and brother were killed because of an irresponsible 16 year old driver. I would tell the parents and expect it to damage friendships. I would do it in a way that lets them know I am truly concerned about his safety, as well as the safety of those around him. I would not wait to see if he hurts himself or others. At least I would know I tried.

 

 

:grouphug: That's sad indeed. I'm sorry.

[Lisa R.]

Studies have clearly shown that teen drivers drive even worse when there are friends in the car. In fact, in Texas, new teen drivers automatically have a restricted license. This means they cannot have more than one non family members in the car for the first six months.

 

If this neighbor has several other young passengers in the car, he is likelier to drive worse than he would by himself. Everyone is safer if this boy drives by himself.

 

 

[J-rap]

It sounds like that boy has other problems besides just reckless driving.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about how you worded it, because frankly, if the boy is foolish enough to not take a hint or to be upset by a logical request, I wouldn't mind if the friendship ended.

 

That being said, I'd probably just say "My boys won't be needing a ride anymore, thank you." Or your boys can tell him.

 

I wouldn't take any time to think about it. I'd tell him today.

[Kari C in SC]

I don't know what the polite way to say it is, but just say it. Car accidents are the number one cause of death in young adults. I have written this before, but I will continue to write it. My son was killed by an inexperienced driver. She was just 18 and had just gotten her permit 2 weeks prior. She was wreckless and she killed both of them. Being polite is important, but being safe is more important. If I were the father of this young man, I would want to know about his driving.

[Remudamom]

If you want to keep your kids out of it just arrange to see his driving yourself and then let it hit the fan.

[elegantlion]

What kind of relationship do YOU have with this boy? Not having your kids ride with him would be a given, but I would find a way to talk to him about his driving habits.

 

Just in our small area there have been several teen fatalities this year. Most of them involve speeding, multiple passengers, and the majority of fatalities were kids not wearing seat belts. It breaks my heart and makes me nauseous. My cousin was killed when he was 16. His brother was driving and goofing off on the way to school.

 

If you have any relationship with this kid, I would talk to him. Even if you become that nagging little voice in his head you could make a difference. If you don't want to and your son feels up to it, I'd have him talk to him and explain why he is choosing (even if it's by your new rule) to not ride with him.

[idnib]

I would feel a moral obligation to tell the parents, both for the safety of this young man who's in his "immortal teenager" phase and for others on the road. If it were my kid I'd want to know for sure, even if it hurt or was embarrassing.

[justLisa]

This is a fear I have once mine are older. I know a couple people I would never let drive my kids around. I would just tell him you are taking the kids yourself from now on.

[In The Great White North]

If you want to keep your kids out of it just arrange to see his driving yourself and then let it hit the fan.

 

:iagree:

[Tree Frog]

Studies have clearly shown that teen drivers drive even worse when there are friends in the car. In fact, in Texas, new teen drivers automatically have a restricted license. This means they cannot have more than one non family members in the car for the first six months.

 

We just moved to Texas from Florida, where my dd got her license. When she went to get her TX license, we asked for clarification about the "only one other non family person riding for the first 6 months" since she'd already been driving for a year and we didn't know if she had to have a TX license for 6 months before friends could ride with her. They told us she could only have 1 non family member ride with her until she's 18! I wonder if it's a new law. I understand the reason for it, but it's sure inconvenient at times!

[FriedClams]

If they are really friends they'll appreciate your saving their son's life - even if it's from his own immaturity. Tell them. Never let your kids ride wih him again.

 

And take your kids out for ice cream for being honest with you.

[gardenmom5]

You could say you have adjusted your schedule because you prefer driving your dc. You have wanted to do this and now you have the opportunity.

 

:iagree: keep it simple, we have a change in needs and have made other aranggements - or along those lines.

 

eta: in washington, teens aren't allowed to have non-family members in the car until they've had their lisence for six months.

[Anne in CA]

There is a time and a place for discretion, but saving friendships at the expense of safety is not one. You don't have to be rude and blunt to the boy's father, and if the boy has a single father for a parent he may be extra defensive, but honesty is key here. The boy may hurt someone and you would forever have guilt for not having spoken up.

[Slartibartfast]

 

 

There is a time and a place for discretion, but saving friendships at the expense of safety is not one. You don't have to be rude and blunt to the boy's father, and if the boy has a single father for a parent he may be extra defensive, but honesty is key here. The boy may hurt someone and you would forever have guilt for not having spoken up.

 

 

I agree, I would tell the boy's parents.

 

 

[swimmermom3]

My dad and brother were killed because of an irresponsible 16 year old driver. I would tell the parents and expect it to damage friendships. I would do it in a way that lets them know I am truly concerned about his safety, as well as the safety of those around him. I would not wait to see if he hurts himself or others. At least I would know I tried.

 

 

I don't know what the polite way to say it is, but just say it. Car accidents are the number one cause of death in young adults. I have written this before, but I will continue to write it. My son was killed by an inexperienced driver. She was just 18 and had just gotten her permit 2 weeks prior. She was wreckless and she killed both of them. Being polite is important, but being safe is more important. If I were the father of this young man, I would want to know about his driving.

 

 

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to answer on this thread. Horton and Kari, :grouphug: . Your posts especially helped to shape our response since dh and I weren't quite on the same page.

 

This afternoon, my dh informed our neighbor that our boys would no longer be riding with his son and explained the reason why. At first, I think he was wondering how he would know if his son took the words to heart if our boys no longer rode with him, but when my dh explained that a female passenger had asked his son to slow down and that he had refused, our neighbor acknowledged that it would be best if his son drove only with him for a while.

 

It is all good. The guys are hanging out right now and the young man spoke with my husband earlier. We have known him since he was five years old and attended his Eagle Scout ceremony. His father presented my son with his Billy Mitchell award. The decision now rests easy with us. If anything would have happened, we would not have forgiven ourselves on many levels and as a parent, I would want to know if my kids were driving poorly. We were on the scene minutes after the 16 yo son of one of dh's colleague's ran head on into the car of an elderly neighbor. He took the corner too fast and had received his license two weeks prior.

 

Thanks again for your support and advice.

[Impish]

The boy is a menace behind the wheel.

 

Just as you'd report a drunk driver, you absolutely need to inform his parents about what's going on. Better a friendship lost than someone dead.

[Joker]

Swimmermom, I'm glad you spoke with them. At least now you can know you did all you could and hopefully he and his parents will take it seriously.

[Live2Ride]

I'm of the thinking that it's not about who likes us or our kids, it's about safety. I want my kids safe and unfortunately I may have to (and have) hurt feelings in the process. I would not allow them back in that childs car and I would tell the parents that it has been mentioned that the son is driving in a dangerous manner.

[DarlaS]

Never mind. I see it's been resolved.

:001_smile:

[MAIMOM]

Studies have clearly shown that teen drivers drive even worse when there are friends in the car. In fact, in Texas, new teen drivers automatically have a restricted license. This means they cannot have more than one non family members in the car for the first six months.

 

If this neighbor has several other young passengers in the car, he is likelier to drive worse than he would by himself. Everyone is safer if this boy drives by himself.

 

The chances of being in an accident go WAY up when there are other teens in the car. My 16 yr old cousin died while driving friends. Please let the dad know his son is not respecting the vehicle he is driving. How can he address the situation if he does not know? You could start out with "its come to my attention that teens are more likely to get in an accident when there are other teens in the car. I asked my sons about his driving and they expressed concerns about XYZ. I have decided to drive my boys myself from now on. I thought you should know of your sons behavior so you can address this as you see fit"

[morningcoffee]

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to answer on this thread. Horton and Kari, :grouphug: . Your posts especially helped to shape our response since dh and I weren't quite on the same page.

 

This afternoon, my dh informed our neighbor that our boys would no longer be riding with his son and explained the reason why. At first, I think he was wondering how he would know if his son took the words to heart if our boys no longer rode with him, but when my dh explained that a female passenger had asked his son to slow down and that he had refused, our neighbor acknowledged that it would be best if his son drove only with him for a while.

 

It is all good. The guys are hanging out right now and the young man spoke with my husband earlier. We have known him since he was five years old and attended his Eagle Scout ceremony. His father presented my son with his Billy Mitchell award. The decision now rests easy with us. If anything would have happened, we would not have forgiven ourselves on many levels and as a parent, I would want to know if my kids were driving poorly. We were on the scene minutes after the 16 yo son of one of dh's colleague's ran head on into the car of an elderly neighbor. He took the corner too fast and had received his license two weeks prior.

 

Thanks again for your support and advice.

 

I really like the way you and your dh handled this - what a great outcome!

[idnib]

You absolutely did the right thing. You may have saved a life!

 

Added bonus: teenager is aware that others are watching his behavior and reporting back to his father, who takes input seriously.

[A.Balaban]

So glad to hear that it has all been resolved well.

[swimmermom3]

I would want to know if my kid was driving like that!

 

 

Wendy, to me, this was a bit of a wild card. Not our neighbor's response, but the young man's response. I grew up around where we live now. It has hills and s-curves and now, a lot more traffic than there used to be. It was a given that if another neighborhood parent saw me whipping around those curves in my Chevy Malibu that my folks would know about it by the end of the day. All the teens "on the hill" knew that tattling was going to happen. We didn't get mad at the parents, only at ourselves. If you got busted, you deserved it and frankly, out here, a parent was doing you a favor, because the roads are deadly. Kids and parents don't seem to be as open to that kind of criticism these days.

[Lolly]

We just moved to Texas from Florida, where my dd got her license. When she went to get her TX license, we asked for clarification about the "only one other non family person riding for the first 6 months" since she'd already been driving for a year and we didn't know if she had to have a TX license for 6 months before friends could ride with her. They told us she could only have 1 non family member ride with her until she's 18! I wonder if it's a new law. I understand the reason for it, but it's sure inconvenient at times!

 

Here, they cannot even have but one family member in the car with them unless they are on the way to or from a school sponsored activity with a note from me in the car giving permission! I understand the friend thing and can handle it, but not being able to have my own kids drive each other places is going a bit too far imnsho. The law is so ridiculous that the police officers and traffic judges even don't get it right. They are constantly telling people that the law does not pertain to family members, but it is written expressly worded to include family/siblings. I have pulled out the card they give all newly licensed drivers to prove it many, many times.

 

 

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to answer on this thread. Horton and Kari, :grouphug: . Your posts especially helped to shape our response since dh and I weren't quite on the same page. This afternoon, my dh informed our neighbor that our boys would no longer be riding with his son and explained the reason why. At first, I think he was wondering how he would know if his son took the words to heart if our boys no longer rode with him, but when my dh explained that a female passenger had asked his son to slow down and that he had refused, our neighbor acknowledged that it would be best if his son drove only with him for a while. It is all good. The guys are hanging out right now and the young man spoke with my husband earlier. We have known him since he was five years old and attended his Eagle Scout ceremony. His father presented my son with his Billy Mitchell award. The decision now rests easy with us. If anything would have happened, we would not have forgiven ourselves on many levels and as a parent, I would want to know if my kids were driving poorly. We were on the scene minutes after the 16 yo son of one of dh's colleague's ran head on into the car of an elderly neighbor. He took the corner too fast and had received his license two weeks prior. Thanks again for your support and advice.

 

Well done! :hurray: :hurray: :hurray: