Mom-ninja. Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Do you come from a family that faces confrontation amongst family members or ignores it? My family gets things out in the open. We argue and fight and then get over it and are happy again. My dh's family pretends nothing is ever wrong or upsetting. Nothing is ever discussed that may cause disagreements. There have been many times that my dh has been angry with his family yet he says nothing. Never indicates that he is angry. He vents it all to me, and then puts on his happy face for them. I simply do not understand this, but I keep my mouth shut around his family. However, he knows that if I get pushed too far on certain issues I will not turn the other cheek. He has warned his family. :tongue_smilie: I just wonder if his family has any clue of my dh's real feelings. He is not the person they think he is. I'm not sure if they know that and don't want to know who he really is or if they are clueless. What's the norm in your family? Ignore the white elephant or talk about it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elinor Everywhere Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 We are all very non-confrontational. But fortunately we are close and genuinely like each other, and nothing much happens that is annoying. When it does....grace!! Sure beats talking about it. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 He is not the person they think he is. This pretty much sums up my parents. They think I'm a clueless idiot who needs someone to hold my hand and tie my shoes. My mother rules her roost with an iron fist and no one is allowed to disagree with her. If you don't do it her way you are doing it wrong, and therefore you are an idiot. End of discussion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeschoolMamaOfTwo Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 We are kind of in the middle, really. There have been very few arguments, most of the time they hold it in, but sometimes things come out once every few years it seems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Both. My mother was extremely confrontational. Anything that displeased her, real or imagined, was punished. Confrontation ranged from in your face screaming fits to the cold quiet voice that shredded you, and anything in btwn. But, you didn't DARE confront her on anything. We learned to keep our heads down, mouths shut, and just let things pass. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 The kids and I talk about everything because they will not stop talking. My ears get tired. OTOH, I'd rather have everything out in the open. We always know where everyone stands around here, on every possible issue. DH prefers not to discuss problems, especially if he is involved in the cause. His family is not confrontational at all. My family gets in everyone's business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 No confrontation. But definitely the cold shoulder, which can last for years, even decades. Woe to the person who tries to change things by (heaven forbid!) talking about issues. This is not a pattern that began with the current generations, but one that has been passed along for many. Trying to be sure that it stops with this generation, and that future kiddos will be communicators. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 We are all very non-confrontational. But fortunately we are close and genuinely like each other, and nothing much happens that is annoying. When it does....grace!! Sure beats talking about it. :D This is my side of the family. Dh's, on the other hand, lives on drama. It's made for some pretty interesting get-togethers. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 My mother was very confrontational, about anything and everything, to the point of bullying; it wasn't pleasant. At first I rather appreciated the fact that DH's family just ignored problems and kept smiling and being polite. In recent years, though, I've found it infuriating that real problems are either swept under the carpet to fester, or are dealt with by A asking B to ask C if anything is wrong, even though C hates B and would never tell them anything. Their insincerity and superficial 'niceness' has many times made me wish I'd never married DH, even though he's a wonderful DH and we're mostly very happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 Their insincerity and superficial 'niceness' has many times made me wish I'd never married DH, even though he's a wonderful DH and we're mostly very happy. :iagree: Although with me it doesn't make me wish I hadn't married dh. It makes me wish we lived far away from his family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 This pretty much sums up my parents. They think I'm a clueless idiot who needs someone to hold my hand and tie my shoes. Bwwahahahhaaaa.... catching my breath... Clueless idiot is not the descriptor I would use to define you... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trlt Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 No confrontation. But definitely the cold shoulder, which can last for years, even decades. Woe to the person who tries to change things by (heaven forbid!) talking about issues. This is not a pattern that began with the current generations, but one that has been passed along for many. Trying to be sure that it stops with this generation, and that future kiddos will be communicators. This is how it is on my side of the family. On DH's side they never let on that anything is wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 My side ignores stuff. His side confronts. I confront my parents. Me, non confrontational? Tried that for years, it kills you from the inside out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Both of our families are ignorers. It infuriates him that I don't confront my mom, and me that he won't confront his parents. We both see the need in the other, but just can't bring ourselves to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 You missed options 3 and 4: passive aggressive comments and sarcasm. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Dh and I are in the same situation you are in. My family lays it out, but his does not. The funny thing is we are opposite with other people outside our families. I smile and nod a lot with others, and he lays his thoughts and feeling out there. Very odd indeed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 My family is about half/ half. Sometimes we get it out, sometimes we just ignore it. There's very little to be upset about there though. Dh's family also has very little to actually have drama about, but there are some minor conflicts. They do not get addressed with the person they are irritated with. Just last weekend, there was a family birthday party. SIL didn't buy dr. Pepper to serve because she was mad at my MIL. MIL loves dr. Pepper. My other SIL was complaining that 7 years ago, MIL had served a birthday cake for her that was leftover from my wedding reception. Apparently, she had frozen it and it had gotten stale. I told my dh on the way home that he should be really appreciate me more. I don't hold grudges about cake for 7 years! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I'm not sure what we are. I can't think of any situation in the last 15 years that has warranted a confrontation. I disagree with some of the things our family members do, but I don't feel the need to tell them how wrong they are. :lol: Dh and I talk a lot about family situations, but we really don't involve ourselves in those situations. In fact, you can say that we actively remove ourselves. None of it has been important to us or really, any of our business. Does that make us avoiders? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I'm not sure what we are. I can't think of any situation in the last 15 years that has warranted a confrontation. I disagree with some of the things our family members do, but I don't feel the need to tell them how wrong they are. :lol: Dh and I talk a lot about family situations, but we really don't involve ourselves in those situations. In fact, you can say that we actively remove ourselves. None of it has been important to us or really, any of our business. Does that make us avoiders? No, I think that makes you very easy-going, well-balanced people :001_smile:. The problems arise when certain members of your family are always over-stepping the mark, pushing at boundaries, taking advantage, upsetting others, etc, etc, and then it's maybe in your best interests to confront ... or not, as suits you. The people I deal with do everything to avoid confrontation, including totally ignoring you, manipulation and emotional blackmail. I have so wanted to run away from them all so many times. And yes, they do live a good long way away :glare:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Bwwahahahhaaaa.... catching my breath... Clueless idiot is not the descriptor I would use to define you... :grouphug: Thanks. :grouphug: Honestly I'm still shocked that she never called CPS on dh and I after dd was born. We didn't wrap her in cotton batting and feed her ambrosia from the gods. :001_rolleyes: We were all at a restaurant eating when dd was just over a year old. Dd choked on something she was eating and dh and I had to physically stop mom (made a big scene) because mom insisted that we were cruel and abusive because we just watched as dd cleared her airway on her own. Our training as firefighters and first responders meant nothing to her. She had the 1965 version of Dr. Spock on her side. :lol: You know the old turn the kid upside down and terrify her while she is choking and commence to beating said kid on her back. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 OP, I could have written your post...exactly the same dynamics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 It can make things difficult for me. My in-laws have done some pretty insulting things to dh that really upset him. Yet, he says nothing and pretends everything is fine. I am the one who sees him hurt, and I am the one he vents to. In return I have to bite my tongue and not say anything to my in-laws even though I'd love to say a lot to them. It kills me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Occasionally Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 No confrontation. But definitely the cold shoulder, which can last for years, even decades. Woe to the person who tries to change things by (heaven forbid!) talking about issues. This is not a pattern that began with the current generations, but one that has been passed along for many. Trying to be sure that it stops with this generation, and that future kiddos will be communicators. Exactly this with my family. There was a full year when my dad didn't speak a word to one of my brothers. This was with that brother still living at home, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 We are all very non-confrontational. But fortunately we are close and genuinely like each other, and nothing much happens that is annoying. When it does....grace!! Sure beats talking about it. :D This is us as well. Just as well, as my sisters are very prickly (and I'm the peace-maker), so they'd constantly be griping about petty little things. Better to let it blow over. We've never really faced any major disagreements or division, though, and we're pretty good at boundaries and forgiving one another. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 Exactly this with my family. There was a full year when my dad didn't speak a word to one of my brothers. This was with that brother still living at home, too. My fil went several years of not talking to his eldest ds at all because he had gotten a divorce. He would leave the room or even the house when his ds entered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy to monkeys Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Didn't you know that if you ignore a problem enough, it will simply go away? ((giggle snort)) That's my family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
somo_chickenlady Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 This pretty much sums up my parents. They think I'm a clueless idiot who needs someone to hold my hand and tie my shoes. My mother rules her roost with an iron fist and no one is allowed to disagree with her. If you don't do it her way you are doing it wrong, and therefore you are an idiot. End of discussion. This is my family also. They just ignore it and hope it will just go away. If I try to bring up an issue, they wave it away and refuse to talk about it. If THEY have a problem, they don't confront it, they just give the cold shoulder. My father hasn't spoken to me in almost a year, even if I'm in the same room as him. My mother thinks that her opinion is the ONLY opinion. If you don't agree with her or do things her way, you are an idiot. DH's family, on the other hand, is the type to argue if they have a disagreement, and once they get it all out they kiss and make up, and no one is worse for wear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I am confrontational. The rest of my family is a sweep it under the rug kind of reaction. We do not mesh well. I am not about everything and anything. I don't live off drama. But I believe in getting it out on the table and dealt with...they aren't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
somo_chickenlady Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I am confrontational. The rest of my family is a sweep it under the rug kind of reaction. We do not mesh well. I am not about everything and anything. I don't live off drama. But I believe in getting it out on the table and dealt with...they aren't. Exactly. I hate confrontation and drama, but if I feel that it is important enough I want to talk about it, and they don't. One of the biggest reasons why I don't talk to my family anymore, b/c they refuse to talk about a HUGE issue (r*pe), and that isn't okay with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 We are definitely confrontational. This past weekend my brother called my mother yelling then sent me a nasty email. By the end of the day according to the two of them it had all blown over. :confused: My family is seriously dysfunctional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 My family ignores and hopes it goes away. I cannot function that way. So, I've had a few instances where I've just not talked to my mom for awhile(although generally we get along fine). I prefer to try and get it out in the open but that bothers her, she'd rather be miserable then actually talk about it. We have finally had a few hard conversations this year at my insistence which have really helped our relationship. Dh's mom is confrontational, not in a good way. She likes to tell me what I've done wrong, very rarely do I hear about anything I've done right. She is a very negative person. I've put my foot down a few times so now she is more passive aggressive instead, I don't know if that is progress or not. I've actually been contemplating how I want to precede with her. I'm trying to figure out if I'm being too sensitive or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Do you come from a family that faces confrontation amongst family members or ignores it? My family gets things out in the open. We argue and fight and then get over it and are happy again. My dh's family pretends nothing is ever wrong or upsetting. Nothing is ever discussed that may cause disagreements. There have been many times that my dh has been angry with his family yet he says nothing. Never indicates that he is angry. He vents it all to me, and then puts on his happy face for them. I simply do not understand this, but I keep my mouth shut around his family. What's the norm in your family? Ignore the white elephant or talk about it? Same dynamics as yours. We fought and spoke our minds, but mostly resolved things. They pretend nothing bad has ever happened and never talk about it. I did have one real conversation once with MIL, where I discovered she was just replaying what happened in her childhood to her. And husband did confront her once and it did help. It was very hard for him but he did it and I was proud of him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbeym Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 DH's family lives for drama and will create it where there is none. If they're mad at you, they ignore you completely. We've deal with it by not dealing with them. At. All. The only people on his side of the family that DH talks to are his ex-stepdad's family, b/c they all think the rest of his family is nuts too. My family ignores everything. Like someone else said, if you ignore it long enough it goes away. :glare: I tend to be confrontational, DH himself is a little more laid back but can be confrontational when it's an issue he feels strongly about. Life is interesting in our house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Patrick's side of the family consists of him and his dad (his grandparents and mother passed away years ago). His dad is basically an @ss who is only happy in his own world with everyone agreeing with him. Hah! Bet you can guess how that goes with me. Patrick ignores him entirely. I tell him to back off when he gets in our business, and he usually does. My mother believes that I am an idiot but would never tell me. If we disagree or I question her behavior, she will refuse to discuss it and will say things like, "Fine, I just won't ever call you again" or some such nonsense. Occasionally she will make snide comments under her breath, and then play innocent when questioned. She will be completely ticked off, deny it to my face, then call everyone else in the family and complain. Of course she tells them not to tell me. :lol: I seldom talk to my mom anymore because it's rather like dealing with a child. She likes to try and form a team against the person she is mad at so that she feels justified. She is so passive-aggressive it makes me sick. The only time she outright confronted me was when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 3 years ago, and she promptly came to my house to threaten to take my children from me (FYI, I was in no way a danger to myself or my children, just sick). That damaged our relationship beyond repair, as you can imagine. My brothers and I don't argue much, and when we do, we just speak our piece and move on. My stepdad is a saint who puts up with a lot of craziness from my mother by ignoring her. My bio father and I used to completely ignore each other, but now we have a very hesitant relationship. I keep my distant to avoid anything that would require confrontation, lol. As for the rest of my family, it's either ignore or knock down drag out fights between them. I do not engage. I am trying like heck to teach my girls good communication skills. :D Wow, that got long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I almost posted a very similar post a couple weeks ago but things are still a little too raw for me! My dh's family can disagree and talk about everything. If they argue, they air their disagreements then get over it and continue to love each other. My family (my parents especially) never talks about anything but they remember everything until they get so angry over a bunch of stuff that it all explodes. Because they never talked about anything, they make incorrect assumptions about so many things that could have been corrected in an earlier talk but weren't because they never brought up stuff that was bothering them so no one knows what's bothering them or that they are thinking certain things. They just go on and on thinking things are a certain way and getting angrier and angrier about it. We've recently had an "explosion" and I haven't talked to them in months because all their assumptions and all the stuff they've brought up from the past blew something small so completely out of proportion, I don't know how to fix things now and don't know if I will ever be able to look at them the same again. Not that I need to come up with a way to fix anything because they will hold a grudge for years (they have with different family members all my life...it's just hard because it's never been me before). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Depends which family member. I can talk to DH and his parents about ANYTHING no matter if we have polar opposite views or not. I can also talk to my mother about anything. Everyone else I just smile and nod. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 No confrontations. We just all try to behave ourselves and get along. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I have some family members who are big into confrontation ... loud, in your face, vocal. There those of use who learned to avoid confrontation as a survival mechanism. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 (edited) .......... Edited November 7, 2012 by ksva Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted November 6, 2012 Share Posted November 6, 2012 In my family, we have no problem whatsoever telling someone the truth. We know how to use our filters, though, so it's not like it's an uncensored free-for-all. We're just blunt people. We tell it like it is. No one gets their panties in a wad over it either. You may not like what you hear. You may not agree, but you know that it is said sincerely. I don't know if you'd call it "confrontational" though, as that implies a fight, and my family almost never has what you'd call a fight. I think they're all too easy-going for that. Or too lazy. ;) In my dh's family, they talk about many things -- the weather, who's having kids, the weather, who's doing what, the weather, how people are doing at work or school, the weather. :001_rolleyes: They NEVER talk about issues, or personal history, or if anything is going not-so-good. It's always a semi-surprise, or so it seems, when the niece moves away and doesn't call her parents anymore, or the sister gets a divorce or gets remarried. I mean, semi-surprise in that the family acts like it's a surprise, but anyone could have seen that coming a mile away. I frequently wonder if they really are surprised by it, or if that is the expected response. :001_huh: My dh is appalled by my family's candor and openness. I'm apppalled by his family's lack of such. In our own family, we have established a bit of a middle ground that seems to keep us both feeling heard and understood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted November 6, 2012 Share Posted November 6, 2012 Depends which family member. I can talk to DH and his parents about ANYTHING no matter if we have polar opposite views or not. I can also talk to my mother about anything. Everyone else I just smile and nod. I am still working on that. My internal bless-your-heart can only maintain itself so long before it becomes very, very external. ;) But... I am still working on that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted November 6, 2012 Share Posted November 6, 2012 My family (my mother) let resentment build up quietly until she feels sufficient martyrdom to be justified in exploding in anger and completely looses it. No holds barred! We're currently not speaking again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beatusduo Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 I came from a family that says how they feel, respects others opinions, and doesn't mind if others disagree. Dh's family doesn't believe you can disagree. Has no respect for boundaries, and will add passive-aggressive comments on a regular basis. Finally after many years of marriage, and convincing dh that his role in the family should not be the peacemaker, we have come to a point that may redefine all of our relationships. I realize the meshing of two families can be difficult. But it is not impossible. I am a person that has no problem laying out boundaries. You always no where I stand. I don't think it is rude to have boundaries, but we all need to respect each others. I have a big problem when my mil & fil make decisions that are not theirs to make. This usually occurs with our boys. I could go on and on. Recently I have found that many of my friends have had similar problems, and after reading many posts here; it is easy to see my dh and I are not alone. If it hasn't been mentioned here before, I do recommend "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. It helped my dh and I get on the same page. Hopefully it can be a help to others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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