Help Me Be Kind And Gracious

[beaners]

My husband's parents are visiting this weekend. I'm trying hard to feel warm and welcoming about their visit, but I'm failing. Miserably.

 

They're driving a long way to get here to see their new grandchild, and their health isn't great. So I feel a bit guilty about dreading their visit, but not guilty enough to change my attitude. And somehow thinking "Well, they might die soon and then how would you feel?" doesn't sound particularly gracious either.

 

They insisted on coming for a weekend and that my husband be home for the entire weekend. That's his busiest time at work, so he had to move mountains to get these two days off in a row. The only reason it was even possible is that he had already requested one day off for my birthday, and then he sacrificed a few other days off to be free for the whole weekend. So he will only be home for 4 days this month, half of which his parents will be here. His days off are my only chance to get any sleep, although I won't be able to do that with my in-laws in the house. (Did I mention the new baby? I am a walking zombie half the time.)

 

They have taken the seats out of their van and filled it with things they have bought for our family at garage sales. Half of this stuff my FIL has told my husband we will be paying for, even though we never asked for it. (This is the same FIL who, unasked, told us he would come help my husband drive the moving truck, then wrote us an itemized bill for his meals, hotel room on the road, missed hours at work, and a 10% "surcharge" for being away from MIL for two days. I can't wait to see the bill for this.)

 

The other half is "goodies" for the children. That never goes well. I was kindly reprimanded in a note last time because I didn't let the children play with a few of the dozens of small gifts they received because their behavior wasn't acceptable and we were moving furniture and boxes into the house. Not the time to spread out the toy cars, you know? :confused:

 

I know they generally mean well. When they complain that the house is cluttered, I'm sure they don't realize that part of that is the huge pile of stuff they just unloaded into the living room and onto every available surface. I'm sure they think they are being fun when they tell my children that it is okay for them to do things that we don't allow. I'm sure they are only concerned when they tell us that they are afraid our children are going to drown in our pond or die in a housefire or get hit by a car while playing in the road. (Because I don't already hover over my children enough? Yes, I send my toddler to the leech-filled pond when I need some time to myself. :001_huh:)

 

I really don't think there's any malice on their part, but I'm already worn a little thin lately. Help me think loving thoughts while I have a smile plastered on my face this weekend. They love their grandchildren and want to be a part of their lives. They're still well enough to be able to do that. I should be thankful for these things, but I'm struggling with it.

 

Does anyone have a magic phrase I could keep repeating under my breath?

[blakereese]

:grouphug:

 

I am so with you right now. My ILs are in town, got here Tues and leaving Sat. They just left minutes ago (they stay in a hotel, thank goodness!) and I am decompressing. :banghead:

 

I am muttering "two more days, two more days" under my breath. Not sure if that is helpful, but it is getting me through. When I started it was "four more days", so I am getting somewhere, right?! :lol:

 

Like you, I have a hard time being thankful that they want to see their grandchildren and are generally here to spoil them. Because there is a whole lot of other baggage that comes along with it. Ugh.

 

I'm just adding to my ongoing list. The list of things I promise not to do to my grown children and their spouses. :glare:

 

:grouphug::grouphug: Hang in there!

 

 

Oh, and the bill your FIL gave when he helped with the move? :confused::blink: Wow. That is nuts.

[milovany]

Does anyone have a magic phrase I could keep repeating under my breath?

They're going to die on the trip home.

 

Okay, probably not really, but tell yourself this. Live like it's true (it could be, you know?). They're pretty wacky -- when I first started reading your post, I thought, how wacky/hard can it be? But then I was :001_huh: as I kept reading -- and you're exhausted. But they ARE family and you do want your kids and yourselves to have fond memories and no regrets, right? Take a deep breath, push through, and pray for extra opportunities to sleep when they're gone (I'll pray the same for you).

 

:grouphug:

 

:grouphug:

 

:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

choose one or more:

 

"This too shall pass".

 

I like the "X more days" that blakereese mentioned.

 

"Help, Lord!"

[In the Rain]

:grouphug: they sound *interesting*

[countrygal]

Oh many of us have been in your shoes!!! You have our sympathy. Look at the bright side: It really is only 2 days. You can do it!!!!

 

As for the stuff they give the kids: When they gp's leave (it sounds like they live far away) have them pick their few favorites and get rid of the rest.

 

As for the stuff they want you to pay for: "It wasn't in our budget. We don't have the money for it."

 

Plan now for easy meals - or take out!

[Just Another Jen]

"I can do anything for 2 days" then think how lucky you are that they don't live next door or worse-- with you.

[itsheresomewhere]

Try paying a penny into a jar every time you have to hold your tongue/thought.

Last time, I had enough in the jar to treat myself out to lunch with dessert at Chili's:lol:. Otherwise, I give myself lots of time outs:lol:.

[Carol in Cal.]

This too shall pass

 

alternated with

 

Bless your heart

[beaners]

Thanks guys.

 

I think I'm going to combine all of these into a loop that I will repeat in my head for the entire weekend.

[bolt.]

Think of all the hard things you think you could do for two days...

 

Could you travel by train for two days?

Could you handle being evacuated due to fire or flood for two days?

Could you handle two days of crazy-fussy-teething baby?

Could you handle the stomach flu in triplicate for two days? (How about both ends?)

Could you host a 14 person youth group for two days?

If you had a friend with six children, could you watch them for two days while she was in the hospital?

 

Yes, these people are going to make messes, make noises, cost money, and try to change your world to suit their preferences if they can get away with it. Does that sound like anybody else you know?

 

To me, I live daily with my children. I cope with their messes. I endure their noises. I pay for many things that they need and want. I accomodate many things to make them comfortable, and on the other hand, block many of their attempts to get their own way. I do all these things... and I'm sure you do too. I think you are probably an expert at the skills you need to let these things roll off your back and resume normal life shortly.

 

Probably the core of why this is different to you -- is that while children might make louder noises (shouting, crying, fussing), the 'noises' of one's in laws tend to be pointy (barbed comments, reprimands). As an adult and a parent, you are probably much more sensitive to the way a person can hurt your feelings with their words. In that case, for the short term, try and just hide your sensitive parts. Act like you are going into an office or something. Pretend they have a particularly insidious version of tourette's syndrom that makes them spout meaningless unkindnesses -- but the comments have nothing to do with you.

 

You, just do what you have to do. You are a strong person that can more than handle a couple of grouches breezing into your home for a mere weekend and passing back out again. If you can't be gracious from the heart, just be something more like 'warmly professional and slightly brusque' and carry on. Don't let their choices matter to you as much as they might if you were actually trying to do more than that.

[speedmom4]

How about keep an itemized tab running in your head so you can hand them a bill when they are getting ready to leave?

 

:tongue_smilie:

 

Elise in NC

[Catwoman]

As for the stuff they want you to pay for: "It wasn't in our budget. We don't have the money for it."

 

:iagree:

 

That's a much nicer way to say it than the way I was going to suggest telling them what they could do with their "bill." :tongue_smilie:

 

I would absolutely not tolerate someone buying something for my family and then handing me a bill for it.

 

Don't ask me what I would have said about the moving bill. :glare:

 

And remember, if things get really rough, you can always run them over with the car. ;)

[hana]

I know they generally mean well. When they complain that the house is cluttered, I'm sure they don't realize that part of that is the huge pile of stuff they just unloaded into the living room and onto every available surface. I'm sure they think they are being fun when they tell my children that it is okay for them to do things that we don't allow. I'm sure they are only concerned when they tell us that they are afraid our children are going to drown in our pond or die in a housefire or get hit by a car while playing in the road.QUOTE]

 

Stay focused on this. They generally mean well; they are not ill-spirited.

 

Maybe kooky and rude, but not poorly intentioned.

[mathwonk]

i don't know how useful this will be but it worked for me. i had a long running struggle with my wife's folks, especially her mom, always feeling like the third wheel, disrespected,.....

 

Then one trip they were making to see our children, it dawned on me my mother in law did not enjoy my fake welcome either, and was probably suffering through every trip. I felt sympathetic.

 

When they arrived we met them at the airport and i could see the stress on my mom in law's face as she reached for her luggage. I went up and said "welcome to XXXX" and gave her a hug. She looked so astonished and gradually relieved.

 

WE had a great relationship ever after that until she died.

Edited October 5, 2012 by mathwonk

[Merry]

Our dil's live far away from us also and if we want to see them, we have to drive out there. We take turns visiting each other. I hope they don't mind having us there because we want to see them along with our sons and grandchildren.

It's probably not easy for your mil and fil to have to travel a long way and to stay in a possibly uncomfortable place so that they can see you guys. At least, they are making the effort.

It's tactless of fil to charge you for stuff without agreeing on the price beforehand. Sorry and I hope he won't charge you for stuff this time round. And I hope they don't comment on the clutter or the pond but I've caught myself making similar comments to my adult children. I was nervous and trying to make conversation. Maybe your mil and fil were feeling nervous in general and not meaning to pick on you?

It'll be great for your children to see their grandparents, right? Try getting some take out food and take pictures of everybody. Time goes by so quickly and kids grow so fast and grandparents won't be around that long, really.

[saraha]

Oh Kayleigh,

I don't even know what to say! I am so glad that you live hundreds of miles away from them. Todd and I have a game we play when we visit my mom. We keep track of the crazy things she says/does then pull them out later and use them on each other. The one who does the best gets to pick the tv show. It kind of makes it fun, well, as fun as it can be anyway.

 

And a MOVING BILL complete with SURCHARGE? What does your husband say about the bills? Can you negotiate, like haggle with them? (Only slightly kidding) That would be funny to watch. Or pick through it and only take what you actually could use or want like it was a yard sale? I am having a lot of fun with the mental pictures here, while I wait for him to text and say they are fine:glare: Or what about having a pile of your own stuff that you "picked up" for them? (Out of the stuff they left last time) Then make it like trading. "I'll trade you this fishnet stocking leg lamp for that pressure cooker."

 

I like how someone said they are making a list of things NOT to do to their kids. Oh, and I Pm'd you.

[thebacabunch]

:lol:

Oh Kayleigh,

I don't even know what to say! I am so glad that you live hundreds of miles away from them. Todd and I have a game we play when we visit my mom. We keep track of the crazy things she says/does then pull them out later and use them on each other. The one who does the best gets to pick the tv show. It kind of makes it fun, well, as fun as it can be anyway.

 

And a MOVING BILL complete with SURCHARGE? What does your husband say about the bills? Can you negotiate, like haggle with them? (Only slightly kidding) That would be funny to watch. Or pick through it and only take what you actually could use or want like it was a yard sale? I am having a lot of fun with the mental pictures here, while I wait for him to text and say they are fine:glare: Or what about having a pile of your own stuff that you "picked up" for them? (Out of the stuff they left last time) Then make it like trading. "I'll trade you this fishnet stocking leg lamp for that pressure cooker."

 

I like how someone said they are making a list of things NOT to do to their kids. Oh, and I Pm'd you.

:lol:

[GWOB]

Magic phrase?

 

-Let's set sail with Captain Morgan

 

-Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine

 

;):lol:

 

God bless you! I would need a barrel of a very strong drink to deal with that.

[blakereese]

Oh Kayleigh,

I don't even know what to say! I am so glad that you live hundreds of miles away from them. Todd and I have a game we play when we visit my mom. We keep track of the crazy things she says/does then pull them out later and use them on each other. The one who does the best gets to pick the tv show. It kind of makes it fun, well, as fun as it can be anyway.

 

And a MOVING BILL complete with SURCHARGE? What does your husband say about the bills? Can you negotiate, like haggle with them? (Only slightly kidding) That would be funny to watch. Or pick through it and only take what you actually could use or want like it was a yard sale? I am having a lot of fun with the mental pictures here, while I wait for him to text and say they are fine:glare: Or what about having a pile of your own stuff that you "picked up" for them? (Out of the stuff they left last time) Then make it like trading. "I'll trade you this fishnet stocking leg lamp for that pressure cooker."

 

I like how someone said they are making a list of things NOT to do to their kids. Oh, and I Pm'd you.

 

 

This is GENIUS!! :lol: Totally starting this tomorrow. It will help with morale, I think. :tongue_smilie:

[saraha]

This is GENIUS!! :lol: Totally starting this tomorrow. It will help with morale, I think. :tongue_smilie:

 

My favorite was when I agreed with her about something and she said "Of course I'm right, I've been right all weekend, why should I stop now?" We pull that one out quite often on each other!

[Desert Rat]

No real advice, but my dh says, "Just remember the difference between inlaws and outlaws. Outlaws are wanted."

Can you tell we are a family that approaches every hardship with laughter?:lol:

[Harriet Vane]

Okay, it is totally unacceptable to buy things for your family, unasked, and then charge you for it. Please, please, refuse to pay that bill.

[blakereese]

My favorite was when I agreed with her about something and she said "Of course I'm right, I've been right all weekend, why should I stop now?" We pull that one out quite often on each other!

 

 

:lol: Sometimes it is easier/better/healthier to laugh than to cry, right?

 

Okay, it is totally unacceptable to buy things for your family, unasked, and then charge you for it. Please, please, refuse to pay that bill.

 

:iagree: Don't set a precedent on this. Or did you pay the moving bill? I wouldn't give them any money for anything. Thank you, but we're all set. WHY would they even think that is OK? And what could they possibly be bringing that they needed to take the seats out of their van?? :confused:

[momtokea]

Well, I understand where you are coming from. It was never easy for me, relations were strained with my MIL. But, if you really love your husband, do it for him. They are his parents, after all, and they deserve respect just for giving you a great man.

[beaners]

I let my husband handle all the billing issues. :tongue_smilie: I think he tries not to think about it too much, but he was pretty upset when his father handed me the bill last time around. He did pay the bill before, and I'm sure he will this time too. I think he'd rather write a check than let his father feel like we owe them. He's also now responsible for opening the weekly letters from his mother and quietly removing anything offensive. He deals with his family, and I deal with mine. I think I got the easy end of that bargain, but I'm sure my family has some quirks that bug him too.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not standoffish or rude to them. I am generally cheerful and friendly, and I even catch my jaw before it hits the floor most of the time. Having small children who need constant tending is a great excuse for leaving the room to compose myself. I really wish I was happier to have this visit. I'm trying to be. It just isn't working.

 

I am actually kind of interested to see what they bring this time, in a twisted sort of way. I know that they took a carpet shampooer from my husband's sister because they didn't think she used it enough, and they are bringing that to us. I told them we didn't want it at least 5 times in a kind and firm manner before giving up. There's a manual log-splitter with a leak somewhere, that the previous owner said didn't work properly. There will be several snowsuits and winter coats in sizes that we already own, despite me saying that we have enough winter clothing to supply a small school. They like to get gifts (even ones we have to pay for) to show their love. These are only the things we know about so far. They usually have trouble seeing out the windows of the van, so who knows what else will be in there.

 

For the poster who is worried that her DILs felt the same way - I'm going to guess your nervous chatter doesn't include all the ways you think they may be negligent and allow your grandchildren to die. Followed up by newspaper clippings of horrific stories of dying children with handwritten notes like "Take heed" and "This is why I worry." There's a difference between saying "Oh, there's no room to set this down," and thinking "Oops!" and repeated comments about the house being cluttered followed up by handwritten notes. But if you find yourself saying "Gee, I hope the kids don't drown in the pond because you're too busy to keep an eye on them," you should probably apologize. I'm sure your comments aren't on that level!

 

Sarah - I'll send you a message in just a minute!

[AimeeM]

Run away for the weekend? Enthusiastically mention to the Grands that you know they can't wait to spend time with their son and grandchildren so you're going to do them all a favor and leave them completely alone for the whole trip.

[sewingmama]

:grouphug: Keep telling yourself -"it's only 2 days"

 

It could be much worse - my inlaws are coming to stay at the end of the year for 6 WEEKS :001_huh: They are much like yours -well-intentioned but with baggage ;)

 

We end up with a ton of junk too - luckily we have tile floors and children who drop things - so it gets broken and tossed pretty quickly :lol: I mean really - what do you expect when you give a glass snowglobe to a 14 month old and say "Oh let her play with it" :confused:

 

At least your MIL doesn't insist you go TEA clothes shopping with her and pull out all this lingerie and ask if I think her DH would like it on her :scared: and if that wasn't enough -starts giving me suggestions on what my DH would like for me to wear :001_huh: :ack2:

[AimeeM]

Yow. I feel your pain. I adore my step mother, but if she wants to vent to me ONE MORE TIME about her and my father's TeA life, I think I'll hurl.

Then there was the time she asked my husband (back when we were just dating) if he was "vanilla" :tongue_smilie:.

:grouphug: Keep telling yourself -"it's only 2 days"

 

It could be much worse - my inlaws are coming to stay at the end of the year for 6 WEEKS They are much like yours -well-intentioned but with baggage

 

We end up with a ton of junk too - luckily we have tile floors and children who drop things - so it gets broken and tossed pretty quickly I mean really - what do you expect when you give a glass snowglobe to a 14 month old and say "Oh let her play with it" :confused:

 

At least your MIL doesn't insist you go TEA clothes shopping with her and pull out all this lingerie and ask if I think her DH would like it on her :scared: and if that wasn't enough -starts giving me suggestions on what my DH would like for me to wear :001_huh: :ack2:

[beaners]

6 weeks? You win. Hands down. I don't think I could put up with myself as a visitor for 6 weeks.

[Chris in VA]

It would be so tempting to be a *itch.

Just one or two withering looks paired with few "Really? REALLY?" expressions, and maybe "OMG, What were you thinking?" as you paw thru the junk...followed by a couple "You've got to be kidding"...

 

But you are nice.

 

Makes me wonder what their FOO lives were like, growing up.

 

I swear I'd snap if someone treated me like it sounds your mil (in particular) treats you. How do you not get all sarcastic?

 

You sound like a saint. :grouphug:

[Just Another Jen]

Magic phrase?

 

-Let's set sail with Captain Morgan

 

-Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine

 

;):lol:

 

God bless you! I would need a barrel of a very strong drink to deal with that.

 

:iagree:

 

Ok you have to add these to the loop. In fact, I may add these to my internal loop.

[Parrothead]

:iagree:

 

That's a much nicer way to say it than the way I was going to suggest telling them what they could do with their "bill." :tongue_smilie:

 

I would absolutely not tolerate someone buying something for my family and then handing me a bill for it.

 

Don't ask me what I would have said about the moving bill. :glare:

 

And remember, if things get really rough, you can always run them over with the car. ;)

:iagree:Why are you not saying anything to them? Why let them run roughshod over you and your family? There is no way in h-e-double-hockey-sticks I'd let someone else's dirty junk into my house much less expect to pay for it. Nope, uh-uh, not going to happen.

 

(can you tell I don't go to yard sales?)

 

Sorry I'm probably no help.

[Parrothead]

I let my husband handle all the billing issues. :tongue_smilie: I think he tries not to think about it too much, but he was pretty upset when his father handed me the bill last time around. He did pay the bill before, and I'm sure he will this time too. I think he'd rather write a check than let his father feel like we owe them. He's also now responsible for opening the weekly letters from his mother and quietly removing anything offensive. He deals with his family, and I deal with mine. I think I got the easy end of that bargain, but I'm sure my family has some quirks that bug him too.

 

Just to be clear, I'm not standoffish or rude to them. I am generally cheerful and friendly, and I even catch my jaw before it hits the floor most of the time. Having small children who need constant tending is a great excuse for leaving the room to compose myself. I really wish I was happier to have this visit. I'm trying to be. It just isn't working.

 

I am actually kind of interested to see what they bring this time, in a twisted sort of way. I know that they took a carpet shampooer from my husband's sister because they didn't think she used it enough, and they are bringing that to us. I told them we didn't want it at least 5 times in a kind and firm manner before giving up. There's a manual log-splitter with a leak somewhere, that the previous owner said didn't work properly. There will be several snowsuits and winter coats in sizes that we already own, despite me saying that we have enough winter clothing to supply a small school. They like to get gifts (even ones we have to pay for) to show their love. These are only the things we know about so far. They usually have trouble seeing out the windows of the van, so who knows what else will be in there.

 

For the poster who is worried that her DILs felt the same way - I'm going to guess your nervous chatter doesn't include all the ways you think they may be negligent and allow your grandchildren to die. Followed up by newspaper clippings of horrific stories of dying children with handwritten notes like "Take heed" and "This is why I worry." There's a difference between saying "Oh, there's no room to set this down," and thinking "Oops!" and repeated comments about the house being cluttered followed up by handwritten notes. But if you find yourself saying "Gee, I hope the kids don't drown in the pond because you're too busy to keep an eye on them," you should probably apologize. I'm sure your comments aren't on that level!

 

Sarah - I'll send you a message in just a minute!

They took an appliance from their grown adult daughter? That is theft no matter how close family they are. Why are their children allowing this? Then they are going to give it to you and charge you for it? No! That is so wrong! Why won't your dh stand up and tell his parents enough?

 

Make them take their junk back. Give your SIL back her carpet cleaner.

That isn't love. That is manipulation.

 

As for the catty notes sent them back unopened. Refuse delivery. There is no reason your MILs meanness need to be opened in your house. Stand up for yourself.

Edited October 5, 2012 by Parrothead

[Joanne]

OP, you are more kind and patient than I can ever hope to be.

 

Your in-laws are weird, possibly toxic. I would be asking about firm boundaries, and not how to be gracious.

 

:grouphug:

[beaners]

They called my husband to let him now they had started their drive this morning. My FIL was really disappointed to tell him that he couldn't fit the carpet shampooer into the van. I hope my husband was semi-tactful in telling him that was for the best. I can't imagine what they are bringing if that didn't fit!

 

They have a certain lack of boundaries with gifts. (If that wasn't apparent?) My SIL is a grown woman in her mid-40s, and yes, they took back a gift from her to bring to us. To be fair, I don't think she was particularly attached to it since she had told them she couldn't use it in most of her house. But she didn't offer to give it to us either, if you know what I mean. If they tried to take back something they had given us, I can't guarantee I'd even be able to find it. :lol: And sometimes the bags and boxes of stuff include a few gems that I'm thrilled for the children to receive.

 

My husband and his sister have learned to ignore most of the weirdness, although my husband did speak up about my MIL voicing her concerns about my supervision of the children. I'm glad he did, but then that needed to be followed up on her end by a couple phone calls and a note about how she just loves the kids so much and would hate for anything to happen to them. She is genuinely concerned, just inappropriate.

 

But they do love the grandchildren, and want to be a part of their lives. They are never anything but loving to the children. Because of their health problems, they won't be able to do this forever. (Although that we may someday have to have them live with us is in the back of my mind too.) And they make me appreciate my own family.

[jujsky]

 

Does anyone have a magic phrase I could keep repeating under my breath?

 

"They can't possibly live forever." I know that sounds evil and cold-hearted, and I fully own that I have a cozy, window-seat ticket on the bus to Hell, but sometimes that's the only phrase that gets me through.

 

I'm sorry. They sound truly awful. My MIL is a lot of things I don't like, but she is a very generous person. My ILs would never, ever charge us moving expenses, or charge us for anything at all. That whole thing is absurd! If you were going to pay someone, wouldn't you just hire movers? They'd probably be a lot younger, stronger, and more experienced than your FIL. They pick up junk you don't want at garage sales then make you pay for it? Don't! Tell them it's not your taste and ship it back with them. That's just weird!

 

I hope you can get some sleep. Hey! Can you stay in a hotel and write them an invoice for that for pushing you out of your home. Maybe that way you can get some sleep while they're visiting :D

[jujsky]

(Although that we may someday have to have them live with us is in the back of my mind too.)

 

Ummmmm, no, you don't. We considered that with my ILs for awhile when we were thinking about the future. It's something DH feels like he has a duty to do, and for awhile I went along with trying to respect that. After the last fight I had with his parents, I told them there is no way I could have them live with us. After his most recent fight with his parents, I said, "Now imagine if they were living in an apartment attached to our house right now...."

 

That cemented it for him.

 

Seriously, you DON'T have to let them live with you when they're older. If they are tactless people with no boundaries, what will that do to your marriage and family life? It sounds like they will also interfere with your parenting. Like all those drug commercials tell you, "Just say no!"

[countrygal]

I hope they didn't charge your SIL for the carpet cleaner and now are going to make you pay for it! Maybe they need some cash.....:001_huh: strange.

 

Convince dh that paying them isn't in the budget! Then it's easy to get rid of the stuff once they leave.

[Catwoman]

"They can't possibly live forever." I know that sounds evil and cold-hearted, and I fully own that I have a cozy, window-seat ticket on the bus to Hell, but sometimes that's the only phrase that gets me through.

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Ummmmm, no, you don't.

.......

Seriously, you DON'T have to let them live with you when they're older. If they are tactless people with no boundaries, what will that do to your marriage and family life? It sounds like they will also interfere with your parenting. Like all those drug commercials tell you, "Just say no!"

 

:iagree:

 

Do NOT let them move in with you, EVER. Why should you be stuck with them? Obviously, your dh has siblings. Let one of them deal with their parents. I know that kindness is a virtue, but you are WAY TOO NICE.

 

If they reach a point where they can't live on their own due to health issues, that also will mean that they need care and supervision every day. Every single day. Until they die. And their health won't improve; it will get worse over time. Are you really prepared to be a full-time nurse to them?

 

I know I sound mean and morbid, but you really need to think about this stuff. Also realize that once you take them, you're stuck with them. Your dh's siblings have gotten a Get Out of Jail Free card, and they're using it -- they aren't going to take their parents off your hands, because they don't want them, either.

 

If your in-laws ever need more care than they can give themselves, it's time for a nice, safe, clean, attractive assisted living facility that offers full nursing home services if and when they are needed.

 

Seriously.

 

Don't ever let your ILs think that you would ever, ever, ever let them move into your home. Even with the best of relationships, that kind of thing is incredibly difficult. Your dh's feelings don't even matter much here, because he won't be the 24/7 nursemaid. Don't kid yourself into thinking that you won't be the one changing the adult diapers and washing the linens multiple times a day. Sure, maybe it will never come to that. But maybe it will. Don't take that chance. PLEASE don't let yourself get sucked in to that kind of obligation.

[Jerico]

my mantra is: "the days are long, the weeks/months/years are short"

[justLisa]

Wow, they sound charming. Yanno the older I get the less tolerant I get for family members with no class. I have just let go of caring about everyone just because they are related to me. I think it's the b*tchy coming out with age.

 

My inlaws are great now. But OY we had to have some boundaries installed and they did not visit us for 2 years.

[Mommy22alyns]

OP, you are more kind and patient than I can ever hope to be.

 

Your in-laws are weird, possibly toxic. I would be asking about firm boundaries, and not how to be gracious.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

:iagree::001_huh:

[mommaduck]

Magic phrase?

 

-Let's set sail with Captain Morgan

 

-Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine

 

;):lol:

 

God bless you! I would need a barrel of a very strong drink to deal with that.

-Oh, how I want to go to Parrot Bay!

[Impish]

They took an appliance from their grown adult daughter? That is theft no matter how close family they are. Why are their children allowing this? Then they are going to give it to you and charge you for it? No! That is so wrong! Why won't your dh stand up and tell his parents enough?

 

Make them take their junk back. Give your SIL back her carpet cleaner.

That isn't love. That is manipulation.

 

As for the catty notes sent them back unopened. Refuse delivery. There is no reason your MILs meanness need to be opened in your house. Stand up for yourself.

:iagree:I'd be tempted to fold up the bill, as small as I could, hand it back while smiling sweetly and suggest he stick it in an oriface of his choosing, and gee, I hoped I folded it small enough to fit. :D

[Hen]

can you and baby go check into a hotel for the weekend?

 

I'm only 10% kidding.

 

they sound crazy-making. I'm so sorry, and i'll be praying for you. But specially since you have a new baby, I kind of think a weekend resting somewhere without them is in order.

[Hen]

oh, and then on the way back from my weekend sabbatical, I'd call dh and give firm directions for any of the crap they brought with them for the kids be cleaned up into trash bags for donating, and loaded up into his car, before you get home. And I agree with other posters, any notes they live or send to you go unopened.

 

I am so sorry for you, hugs.

[justLisa]

:iagree:I'd be tempted to fold up the bill, as small as I could, hand it back while smiling sweetly and suggest he stick it in an oriface of his choosing, and gee, I hoped I folded it small enough to fit. :D

:lol::lol:

[tex-mex]

Okay, it is totally unacceptable to buy things for your family, unasked, and then charge you for it. Please, please, refuse to pay that bill.

:iagree:

 

My in-laws would often shop at thrift stores or garage sales for ds. One memorable package had moldy towels, kids clothing, and a broken (opened) box of snail bait (poison) all over the items. :glare: I immediately tossed the box in the trash and called MIL telling her whoever packed the items did a poor job of it. :lol::lol: (I knew it was her... I just loved rubbing it in.)

 

After a while MIL got the subtle message that cheap garage sale items were not appreciated -- no matter what a deal $$ she got on it. Ds recalls one garage sale gift that smelled of smoke and had hair all over it. There were many times I gave back the gift with a polite no thank you. Years later, she would discover how easy it was to gift ds with a storebought item and a gift reciept. That ended the drama.

[Trish]

Does hubby always acquiesce to whatever the grandparents ask for/demand? How about taking one of his free days off to set boundaries? I don't think I could keep my sanity in this situation without boundaries.

 

:grouphug: