Dd (almost 14) wants to pay for her own text messaging. WWYD?

[Doran]

She has had her cell phone since Christmas. She has proven herself very reliable with it - no concerns there. She has asked about texting before, but we've put her off saying we didn't want to spend the extra money. Last night, she handed me $120 in cash which she's saved from her summer job and from Christmas money she never spent, and said, "Here. That's money for a year's worth of texting. Now can I get it?"

 

I don't love texting. Even more, I don't love kids texting in all manner of inappropriate situations. We've explained that to her, so she understands the boundaries. But, still, I'm not sure. Is this really a hill to die on? Seems like it's her money, and I've no real reason to decline her request. Just niggly feelings of dislike.

 

WWYD?

[Quiver0f10]

I would probably allow her to have it with certain set boundries in place. Maybe try it on a trial basis and see how things work. I would also recommend checking message logs on occassion, same as I would recomend this for email accounts. My kids know that I periodically check their email and they are fine with that. Of course I don't log into my adult kids accounts, but a 14 yo, definitely.

[Crissy]

I would allow it after I clarified and she agreed that paying for it on her own does not excuse her from following the family's rules of usage and etiquette.

[mommylawyer]

Seems like a waste of her hard-earned money and gift money. Let her email her buddies instead. Besides, if she needs to communicate with someone so badly, can't she just call them? (If they're not where they can receive a phone call, then they probably shouldn't be texting either, right?)

[PrairieAir]

I gave in for dd's 16th b-day present. It was all she asked for. I couldn't drag anything else out of her. I think texting is stupid and annoying, but as long as she doesn't go over her limit and isn't using it when she shouldn't be, I guess it's okay. I still don't like it though.:glare:

 

How is a year's worth of texting only $120 though, Doran? We told dd we'd give her 5 months worth to start with. It's $20 per month with 5,000 text limit to anyone and unlimited to Verizon. 5,000 text messages a month sounds outrageous, but I guess sometimes the messages are a simple yes or no and you get charged for incoming as well as outgoing. I've been assured it is pretty easy for a 16yo to use that many and going over can get expensive. We'll see how it works. I may need to adjust the plan or curb her texting.

 

Ugh. Have I mentioned I hate texting? Oh, and I swore my kids would never have it.:lol:

[tibbyl]

I gave in for dd's 16th b-day present. It was all she asked for. I couldn't drag anything else out of her. I think texting is stupid and annoying, but as long as she doesn't go over her limit and isn't using it when she shouldn't be, I guess it's okay. I still don't like it though.:glare:

 

How is a year's worth of texting only $120 though, Doran? We told dd we'd give her 5 months worth to start with. It's $20 per month with 5,000 text limit to anyone and unlimited to Verizon. 5,000 text messages a month sounds outrageous, but I guess sometimes the messages are a simple yes or no and you get charged for incoming as well as outgoing. I've been assured it is pretty easy for a 16yo to use that many and going over can get expensive. We'll see how it works. I may need to adjust the plan or curb her texting.

 

Ugh. Have I mentioned I hate texting? Oh, and I swore my kids would never have it.:lol:

 

 

Jenni, your disdain for texting brought something to mind.

 

For years, my family resisted cell phones primarily because I thought they were a frivolous unneccesary expense. Finally, when my sister bought a new cell plan and phone, she lent me her old phone and plan for its last month of existence. During that month, I used it maybe once to order pizza on way home from work. One day on way home from work just after the plan expired, my van broke down on the interstate. We relented and bought one cell phone to use among all of us. We were the very last of our friends and acquaintances to have cell phones.

 

Fast forwarding, I seldom talk on the cell phone and swore I would never have texting. But I have discovered that I do like the efficiency of texting in much the same way that I prefer work-related emails over phone calls. Emails/texting provides less opportunity for rambling unproductive exchanges.

 

However, I *do* get annoyed with a certain daughter who has a need to maintain almost constant contact with acquaintances via texting.

[dangermom]

I'd be inclined to allow it as long as family rules of manners are followed. The fact is that texting is huge in the teenage social world and if you can't text, you're left out. I've never been one to join the herd, but being left out when you're 14 is hard! If it's important enough to her to spend her money on, then I say let her do it.

[Tracey in TX]

I would definitely allow it, provided she willingly allows me to review the texts at my request.

I text often as is the preferred way of communication, so my kids all text already. Would prefer succinct info in lieu of chatting on phone when it's not particularly convenient.

[Remudamom]

At that age?? I'd tell her tough patooties baby. What's the point really??

[LisaNY]

She has had her cell phone since Christmas. She has proven herself very reliable with it - no concerns there. She has asked about texting before, but we've put her off saying we didn't want to spend the extra money. Last night, she handed me $120 in cash which she's saved from her summer job and from Christmas money she never spent, and said, "Here. That's money for a year's worth of texting. Now can I get it?"

 

I don't love texting. Even more, I don't love kids texting in all manner of inappropriate situations. We've explained that to her, so she understands the boundaries. But, still, I'm not sure. Is this really a hill to die on? Seems like it's her money, and I've no real reason to decline her request. Just niggly feelings of dislike.

 

WWYD?

 

Your reason for not letting her get it was because you didn't want to spend the extra money, correct? She has shown responsibility by working to pay for it. (Which I think is great!) I would let her get text messaging.

[Starr]

I enjoy a wee bit of texting myself but wouldn't get it for my dc at this age. Unless the company provides the texts for you, you won't be able to check them. The phone only holds so many and then you must erase them. Many of the teens I know are texting friends of friends and people they don't even know. You know your daughter best. I keep telling my just 14 year old that she doesn't need everything now. :)

[abreakfromlife]

I wouldn't. Of course, this is coming from a family who doesn't own a cell phone and probably won't for years. :) But researchers are finding that cell phones are really creating serious developmental problems in teens/young adults. I would be, and will be, very wary of letting my young teen have a phone.

[Just Me]

I would do it. My (almost) 13 yr.old ds has text feature, and he uses it a lot more than making calls. From what I see, all the teens around me use texting more than calling. And it only adds $10/month to his phone bill.

[PrairieAir]

I know there are some people who like texting. I didn't mean to call you stupid for liking it!;) Those were just my personal feelings about it. I just don't get it. I don't like to talk on the phone either. Dh think my internet habit is just about as silly.:D

[Danestress]

I always wonder about that phrase anyway. I mean, if she doesn't have texting, no one dies, and your relationship won't die either. No one will die if she does have it either. "Not a hill I would die on" just sounds so ..... dramatic.

 

I personally wouldn't go there. I didn't let my son have a cell phone until he was 16, and that was one where he had to pay per minute. I actually really prefer that. The "plans" mean Mom and Dad have given someone a credit card, and I refused to do that, so he had to use Virgin Mobile. Then they don't really want to text much because it's so expensive.

 

One issue I would have is that unlimited texting isn't that much more expensive than limited.

 

Does your daughter leave her phone with you at night? If you are really strict about "no cell phone use after 9:00" maybe you want to be laxer about texting. I mean, there is nothing so awful about texting except that it's so constant for some kids.

 

I always found it easier just not to start down paths.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

She has had her cell phone since Christmas. She has proven herself very reliable with it - no concerns there. She has asked about texting before, but we've put her off saying we didn't want to spend the extra money. Last night, she handed me $120 in cash which she's saved from her summer job and from Christmas money she never spent, and said, "Here. That's money for a year's worth of texting. Now can I get it?"

 

I don't love texting. Even more, I don't love kids texting in all manner of inappropriate situations. We've explained that to her, so she understands the boundaries. But, still, I'm not sure. Is this really a hill to die on? Seems like it's her money, and I've no real reason to decline her request. Just niggly feelings of dislike.

 

WWYD?

 

 

I'd let her have it, but the phone would be mine at MY bedtime every night.

[Jenny in Atl]

I'm again an odd ball... I would rather my dd12 text than talk on the cell phone (whole radiation thing). Most of her friends are with other providers, and like us many have go to all cells (no land line). She also knows what I find OK, and what I don't; so far we have had no issues. If you trust her, I say let her... if she is willing to pay! I applaud her for this. Most kids think it's just coming to them. :glare:

[Scarlett]

I always wonder about that phrase anyway. I mean, if she doesn't have texting, no one dies, and your relationship won't die either. No one will die if she does have it either. "Not a hill I would die on" just sounds so ..... dramatic.

 

I personally wouldn't go there. I didn't let my son have a cell phone until he was 16, and that was one where he had to pay per minute. I actually really prefer that. The "plans" mean Mom and Dad have given someone a credit card, and I refused to do that, so he had to use Virgin Mobile. Then they don't really want to text much because it's so expensive.

 

One issue I would have is that unlimited texting isn't that much more expensive than limited.

 

Does your daughter leave her phone with you at night? If you are really strict about "no cell phone use after 9:00" maybe you want to be laxer about texting. I mean, there is nothing so awful about texting except that it's so constant for some kids.

 

I always found it easier just not to start down paths.

 

 

I agree with this. It seems teens think they have to be in contact with their friends at all hours of the day. I view this as too much of even a good thing. The more time they are texting, or talking on a cell phone to their friends, the less time they are interacting with their family. My niece who will be 20, texts so much that I find it rude. The other day I called her and kept hearing this 'beep' and she was texting while she was talking to me! When she is with me she is totally distracted by her stupid cell phone and it is just plain rude. So, sure you can put limits in place and all that, but I find it easier in these situations to 'just not go down that path'. She won't die. And when she pays all her own bills and thus runs her own life, THEN she can get texting.

 

Also, I've heard of some pretty nasty conversations going on via texting between teens. Even if you daughter is innocent she could easily be a victim of that junk.

[Caroline]

I'm again an odd ball... I would rather my dd12 text than talk on the cell phone (whole radiation thing). Most of her friends are with other providers, and like us many have go to all cells (no land line). She also knows what I find OK, and what I don't; so far we have had no issues. If you trust her, I say let her... if she is willing to pay! I applaud her for this. Most kids think it's just coming to them. :glare:

 

I agree. My son texts his friends, cousins, me... It works for us.

 

Just an aside, I let my students text me homework questions, and life questions, and sometimes just for fun. I get texts like, "Dr.K, I can't figure out the derrivative of cos(2x). Can you help?" Then I text back "chain rule". So texting can be used for calculus.

[Scarlett]

So texting can be used for calculus.

 

Oh, well in that case. ;)

[abreakfromlife]

I get texts like, "Dr.K, I can't figure out the derrivative of cos(2x). Can you help?" Then I text back "chain rule". So texting can be used for calculus.

 

oh geez, I'm going to get myself in trouble here :tongue_smilie: But that's precisely why most teens and college students now have social and developmental problems, and why they are persisting in extended adolescence. You don't have to be an independent mature person who plans ahead and figures things out on your own, when you have your own (crippling) support system and answer system in your pocket.

 

ok, backing away before I offend someone. Altho, reading about the psychogical aspects and brain development of kids/young adults and all of this is really fascinating. :leaving:

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

oh geez, I'm going to get myself in trouble here :tongue_smilie: But that's precisely why most teens and college students now have social and developmental problems, and why they are persisting in extended adolescence. You don't have to be an independent mature person who plans ahead and figures things out on your own, when you have your own (crippling) support system and answer system in your pocket.

 

ok, backing away before I offend someone. Altho, reading about the psychogical aspects and brain development of kids/young adults and all of this is really fascinating. :leaving:

 

I'd love to read the research you refer to.

 

I am of the opinion that some of these things are the symptoms, not disease. We get into a whole mess of trouble when we start assuming that correlation implies causation.

 

I for one could have used a bit more support in my pocket as a young person. I feel it would have been protective, not detrimental. Rugged individualism is a lovely ideal, but for a good many of us, the lack of support and community is crippling -- not the other way around.

[Caroline]

oh geez, I'm going to get myself in trouble here :tongue_smilie: But that's precisely why most teens and college students now have social and developmental problems, and why they are persisting in extended adolescence. You don't have to be an independent mature person who plans ahead and figures things out on your own, when you have your own (crippling) support system and answer system in your pocket.

 

ok, backing away before I offend someone. Altho, reading about the psychogical aspects and brain development of kids/young adults and all of this is really fascinating. :leaving:

 

You are certainly entitled to your opinion. I teach at a school where most of the students' parents didn't finish eighth grade. So if I give them an extra crutch to get through calculus, I really doubt I am in any way stunting their growth. That they are even attempting calculus is showing a great deal of independence in their world. Heck, that these kids have education aspirations beyond high school shows inedpendence and a grown up attitude.

[abreakfromlife]

Here's the initial article - A Nation of Wimps She just came out with a book based on the article, called A Nation of Wimps, the High Cost of Invasive Parenting. Once you get past her obvious disdain for SAHM and homeschoolers :glare:, it's a really good book. Very interesting, with lots of research. It's fascinating to see how some extreme people act. She goes into child development and brain development a lot deeper in the book and of course, cites all the research. I copied and pasted the part about cell phones from the article down below - of course the book gets way more indepth with this issue and all the other issues.

 

 

The Eternal Umbilicus

It's bad enough that today's children are raised in a psychological hothouse where they are overmonitored and oversheltered. But that hothouse no longer has geographical or temporal boundaries. For that you can thank the cell phone. Even in college—or perhaps especially at college—students are typically in contact with their parents several times a day, reporting every flicker of experience. One long-distance call overheard on a recent cross-campus walk: "Hi, Mom. I just got an ice-cream cone; can you believe they put sprinkles on the bottom as well as on top?"

 

 

"Kids are constantly talking to parents," laments Cornell student Kramer, which makes them perpetually homesick. Of course, they're not telling the folks everything, notes Portmann. "They're not calling their parents to say, 'I really went wild last Friday at the frat house and now I might have chlamydia. Should I go to the student health center?'"

The perpetual access to parents infantilizes the young, keeping them in a permanent state of dependency. Whenever the slightest difficulty arises, "they're constantly referring to their parents for guidance," reports Kramer. They're not learning how to manage for themselves.

 

 

Think of the cell phone as the eternal umbilicus. One of the ways we grow up is by internalizing an image of Mom and Dad and the values and advice they imparted over the early years. Then, whenever we find ourselves faced with uncertainty or difficulty, we call on that internalized image. We become, in a way, all the wise adults we've had the privilege to know. "But cell phones keep kids from figuring out what to do," says Anderegg. "They've never internalized any images; all they've internalized is 'call Mom or Dad.'"

 

 

Some psychologists think we have yet to recognize the full impact of the cell phone on child development, because its use is so new. Although there are far too many variables to establish clear causes and effects, Indiana's Carducci believes that reliance on cell phones undermines the young by destroying the ability to plan ahead. "The first thing students do when they walk out the door of my classroom is flip open the cell phone. Ninety-five percent of the conversations go like this: 'I just got out of class; I'll see you in the library in five minutes.' Absent the phone, you'd have to make arrangements ahead of time; you'd have to think ahead."

 

 

Herein lies another possible pathway to depression. The ability to plan resides in the prefrontal cortex (PFC), the executive branch of the brain. The PFC is a critical part of the self-regulation system, and it's deeply implicated in depression, a disorder increasingly seen as caused or maintained by unregulated thought patterns—lack of intellectual rigor, if you will. Cognitive therapy owes its very effectiveness to the systematic application of critical thinking to emotional reactions. Further, it's in the setting of goals and progress in working toward them, however mundane they are, that positive feelings are generated. From such everyday activity, resistance to depression is born.

 

 

What's more, cell phones—along with the instant availability of cash and almost any consumer good your heart desires—promote fragility by weakening self-regulation. "You get used to things happening right away," says Carducci. You not only want the pizza now, you generalize that expectation to other domains, like friendship and intimate relationships. You become frustrated and impatient easily. You become unwilling to work out problems. And so relationships fail—perhaps the single most powerful experience leading to depression.

[JFSinIL]

Short answer - no. I would not let her get a tattoo, double-pierced ears, a belly ring, or blow it all on junk food, either. Some, but not that much, anyway. Sometimes a parent has to be the the mean person and say no.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Here's the initial article - A Nation of Wimps She just came out with a book based on the article, called A Nation of Wimps, the High Cost of Invasive Parenting. Once you get past her obvious disdain for SAHM and homeschoolers :glare:, it's a really good book.

 

Ah, she would either love or hate me, I'm not sure. I was an intensive parent, SAHM, homeschooler at various times and seasons, sent my just-that-day-turned 11 y/o to boarding school, and later my 14 y/o followed suite.

 

Despite my lack of a recognizable apron string tying either of them, we still insisted that they have cell phones starting at age 15. :) They rarely use them, but I'm glad they have them.

[Peela]

My dd14 basically only texts her friends because it's cheaper than phoning.

It's one of the many ways she stays in contact with her peers, and I support it- she is a very social kid. I haven't felt it to be negative in any way, actually. She pays all her phone bills herself.

[nakitty]

My answer a short time ago would have been "nope"...however, I recently learned that you can get a print out of ALL text messages! Incoming and Outgoing...so, I would allow it...on a trial basis. And I would be reading the print out...including dates and times to determine whether I would continue to allow it.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Doran, I haven't read the other replies, but I definitely think you should allow her this opportunity/responsibility with certain boundaries outlined in advance.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Seems like a waste of her hard-earned money and gift money.

At that age?? I'd tell her tough patooties baby. What's the point really??

 

It may well be a waste of her money as well as something she doesn't need. However, at 14, it's time, imo, to relinquish some of the control, allowing her freedom to make mistakes, gain experience, and practice maturity.

 

She's already doing some of that in that she procured what the argument against it was, she addressed that argument, she was responsible to earn/save the money, and she's willing to live by the rules (assuming that remains true).

 

She has taken control, proved herself responsible to an extent, and is ready for an opportunity to learn and grow.

 

Is it a waste of money? Is it silliness? maybe. Will she prove capable? We don't know yet. But at 14, it's time, imo, to give her increased responsibility and opportunity. She needs to practice decision making, money management, etc. If mom controls it rather than handing over control, she can be sending the wrong message about trust, how capable she sees her daughter, and such. She also is putting off the inevitable. It makes a lot more sense to let kids have these chances while we're there to guide them (and correct them as necessary).

 

JMO of course. It's important, imo, to give kids skills and tools then let them practice.

[Colleen]

I always wonder about that phrase anyway. I mean, if she doesn't have texting, no one dies, and your relationship won't die either. No one will die if she does have it either. "Not a hill I would die on" just sounds so ..... dramatic.

 

Yes, it does.

 

I personally wouldn't go there...I always found it easier just not to start down paths.

 

There's something to be said for that.

 

Doran, so often when I read about a dilemma you're having with regard to parenting, I have the impression that you feel a need to justify yourself to your daughters. I absolutely appreciate that you don't simply make knee-jerk decisions, that you step back and assess the matter with as much objectivity as possible. I do! But I think that can be taken a step too far. Sometimes parents end up trying so hard to be "fair", they take on this subconscious guilt for being the one with the ultimate control and say-so.

 

But ya know what? There's nothing wrong with being in the driver's seat. There's nothing wrong with saying, "Hey, truth be told, I don't wanna go there. Are my reasons "valid", to your mind? Perhaps not. But a whole heckuvva lotta parenting is making choices based on what I consider best. And in this case, I think it's best ~ for you, for us ~ to forego the text messaging."

[Pamela H in Texas]

There's nothing wrong with saying, "Hey, truth be told, I don't wanna go there. Are my reasons "valid", to your mind? Perhaps not. But a whole heckuvva lotta parenting is making choices based on what I consider best.

 

I agree completely.

 

Though I personally would make a different choice than most on this thread and I think my reasoning is very sound (hee hee), I think it perfectly reasonable for a parent to "pull rank" occasionally even if they can't fully articulate their reasons why. If you, Doran, are really feeling off about this, I would do exactly what Colleen said.

 

One more thing. I'm REALLY bad about following each person and their kids. Colleen seems to understand you and your relationship with your daughters (as you've portrayed on here) MUCH better. My reasoning is pretty generic. Colleen may have a little more insight because she remembers particular situations that have come up between you and your daughters and how you expressed yourself about them as well as your subsequent decisions and reasoning. That is a HUGE consideration when taking advice.

 

So my general thoughts remain the same but Colleen knows you better so may have better advice for you. And again, I think the quote above from her is sound regardless :)

[Amy loves Bud]

Doran,

 

I just read through the entire thread and there is one glaring point that hasn't been made.

 

How do you compare texting with participating on a message board? I know there are a lot of meaty discussions here, but there are also a lot of fun/silly time-wasters. For whatever reason, they have value for us - Mike's lemonade, chatting, booKs, the endless thread, etc. All silliness but a valuable outlet at the same time.

 

I know it's not exactly the same thing, but in my mind it's very similar, and I can see a teenager viewing it as hypocritical when she sees mom participating in that sort of thing while she's not allowed to spend her own money to text. I know I would have!

 

So, I vote for letting her text, as long as she agrees to and follows the guidelines you set. This, coming from someone who only recently got a cell phone so my kids could reach me while at camp. I don't even know my number by heart! Did I mention I don't really like cellphones? :leaving:

[Doran]

Admittedly, I had the idea that many would vote against text messaging for the same reasons that "we" might vote against cell phones, or Game Cubes, or any other trapping typical of the contemporary teen - because we feel there is something inherently bad about allowing those things into our kids' lives. Brain drain. Eternal Umbilicus. Whatever you want to call it. I've said all the same things about all the same things. There is some root fear in us - at least that's what I think eats at me - that letting pop culture in will disrupt the qualities that we've tried so hard to cultivate, that they will undermine the sort of "rise above the crowd" attributes we hope our homeschooled children will display. For many (most?), I would guess that homeschooling itself is a way to keep such influences at bay. We want our kids to find pleasure in activities that our grandparents would deem worthy, we want them to need society less. I'm sure I'm generalizing way too much here, (I can hear the skin crawling out there!), so I'll bring this back home and say that whether or not these ideals are yours, I know I have entertained that mode of thinking more than a time or two.

 

There were a couple of ideas expressed here that I felt warranted some direct feedback.

 

Before this post, I don't believe I've written the expression "a hill to die on". I don't tend to use it in speech, and I definitely don't take it so literally as to interpret it in a way that makes it seem overly dramatic. But, I can see how someone else might. Of course texting isn't something to die over. I used a cliche (granted, there are usually better ways to express oneself than using a cliche). It seemed a close cousin to "choose your battles". Apparently the whole war motif got out of hand. :D

 

To the concept that cell phones and text messaging are destroying some kids' abilities to think for themselves and to plan ahead, I don't entirely disagree. I also recognize that my daughter is not like them. As much or more than we are products of our culture, we are products of our upbringing. My husband and I have walked a gentle but evident path while raising our kids. By example, we lead, in a lifestyle which is not governed by popular opinion.

 

I believe that there is a balance needed between my desires and those of my children. This is probably what Colleen senses when she says it seems I need to justify myself to my kids, and that I may be going overboard in trying to "be fair". Could be. I'm willing to look at that in myself. My present assessment, though, is that I have a strong impulse to not over manage my kids based on my own fears or peculiarities. I grew up under that system. I was so intent on pleasing them that I had no real idea what pleased me. I wasn't able to determine what my own heart desired until I was out from under my parents' watchful gaze. Don't get me wrong. I think my parents did a good job, overall. But, I also think I was over managed. I was stifled in some ways, and not strictly in ways that involved discipline or behavioral issues. One benign example: my mother dislikes the color brown for clothing (presumably because she doesn't look good in brown). Consequently, I never wore the color brown (to speak of) until I was married. I love brown, and for a time many of my clothes were earth toned. I don't want to dictate my kids' every move based solely on my notion of what is right or wrong. I want to be clear of my own reason for making a decision. I don't understand texting, but I have the idea that it is my lack of understanding, and my reaction to how other kids are allowed to abuse it, which fuels my dislike for it. I dislike Barbies, rather intensely, because I see something represented in them that goes against my socio-enviro grain. But, I played with them rather intensely as a child. Should I have disallowed my kids' to have Barbies based on the attitudes I've developed about them as an adult? If something isn't clearly harmful or dangerous or rude, or isn't creating those problems in my child, should I insist that my opinion is the one to be followed? Or is it better to explain my concerns and, within reason (age appropriateness, for example), allow my child to move forward with her own decision?

 

Of course, this is what parenting is all about. We teach our kids what we believe is right. Or wrong. We try to instill in them values we want them to have, and when they grow up and start making decisions on their own, we hope they'll continue to follow the basic tenets we've taught. As our girls become older, it's highly possible our "battles" (sorry Dana) may become more intense, but I hope they'll also be less frequent. Because, I'll be trying really hard to not hold onto the things that aren't that important in the scheme of things.

 

In my view, text messaging isn't a high stakes player. We've decided to enable text messaging for our daughter's phone for a couple of months. We'll keep the rest of her money and allow her to extend her service if she proves herself responsible with texting for that initial trial period.

 

I appreciate the chance to think over the different perspectives here. It was a helpful exercise. :001_smile:

[readwithem]

I'd let her have it, but the phone would be mine at MY bedtime every night.

 

Great advice. No middle of the night talking OR texting. Regardless of how you define "night" :glare:

[gardenschooler]

 

 

In my view, text messaging isn't a high stakes player. We've decided to enable text messaging for our daughter's phone for a couple of months. We'll keep the rest of her money and allow her to extend her service if she proves herself responsible with texting for that initial trial period.

 

 

It's not a huge deal to me, either (both of my older girls have texting). I think for a lot of these things, at least part of what made them uncomfortable for me at first was just a lack of familiarity. It's different from what we did as teenagers, so we have no reference point for it. I know I drove my mother crazy with my boom box and long phone calls.

 

I really have found the texting to be less bothersome than phone calls, because if I need the child's attention, it's much easier to get when they're not in a live (audible) conversation with someone, and I don't have to listen to constant chatter. The same goes for i-pods - I think they're fantastic, and a great solution to the old 'turn that music down' of days past.

 

It's pretty much the norm for kids to text each other - email is so passe. No one does that anymore, my girls tell me. :D

[Doran]

Doran,

 

I just read through the entire thread and there is one glaring point that hasn't been made.

 

How do you compare texting with participating on a message board? I know there are a lot of meaty discussions here, but there are also a lot of fun/silly time-wasters. For whatever reason, they have value for us - Mike's lemonade, chatting, booKs, the endless thread, etc. All silliness but a valuable outlet at the same time.

 

I know it's not exactly the same thing, but in my mind it's very similar, and I can see a teenager viewing it as hypocritical when she sees mom participating in that sort of thing while she's not allowed to spend her own money to text. I know I would have!

 

 

The concept you're presenting here comes up a lot for me in making parenting decisions. I realize that we, as parents, can claim we've earned the right to govern ourselves, and to do so differently than we might our children. But, I'm struck, often, by the hypocrisy in things we say and do. For example, we expect our children to come when called, but we adults are allowed to say, "Coming...in a minute...be right there." Or, we limit access to certain modern electronics but spend time their ourselves with no clear boundaries. In my house, my husband is most guilty of the former (and most expects immediate response from the kids). I'm most guilty of the latter. So, yes, even though they're not quite the same issue, I see your point and am sensitive to how easy it is for us to have double standards.

[Rosie_0801]

I would allow it after I clarified and she agreed that paying for it on her own does not excuse her from following the family's rules of usage and etiquette.

 

 

:iagree:

What you don't see won't irritate you. Everyone should have the right to waste *some* of their money. I use text far more than voice calls, actually. Some of my friends are deaf, and it's just easier to text than hear over the phone while acting as a jungle gym for a loud toddler. It's also nicer because I can reply when I feel like it, rather than right now.

:)

Rosie

[kalanamak]

It may well be a waste of her money as well as something she doesn't need. However, at 14, it's time, imo, to relinquish some of the control, allowing her freedom to make mistakes, gain experience, and practice maturity.

 

 

I agree. If kiddo has been reliable up til now, and is paying for it herself, I'd give over (and I don't own a cell phone and couldn't text if you put a gun to my head).

 

"It is the loose rein that brings the horse back to the stable"

[Annie G]

We don't even allow cell phones until the teen is 16 (before then, they can borrow their dad's when they absolutely need one) but when they can have a phone, texting is ok. As far as monitoring WHAT the text, I cannot see what they say in a voice call, so I really don't have a concern that I can't monitor what they say in text messages.

Now, WHEN they text is different. Our new 16 year old was at the art museum yesterday and she knew texting while there was forbidden. And she knows what time at night she has to be 'off electronics'. We have detailed billing so I know if she makes/receives calls or texts after hours. As we did with her sisters, we expected her to follow the rules most of the time and to be grounded when she breaks the rules.

Nearly all of her friends live at least 45 minutes away and texting is an easy way to keep in touch. I find that I actually know MORE about what's going on because she'll get a text from a friend and tell me what the friend is saying or doing. And texting is just like computer usage...no hiding the screen when I occasionally peek over.

I just find texting convenient...like email.

[Colleen]

There is some root fear in us - at least that's what I think eats at me - that letting pop culture in will disrupt the qualities that we've tried so hard to cultivate, that they will undermine the sort of "rise above the crowd" attributes we hope our homeschooled children will display. For many (most?), I would guess that homeschooling itself is a way to keep such influences at bay. We want our kids to find pleasure in activities that our grandparents would deem worthy, we want them to need society less. I'm sure I'm generalizing way too much here, (I can hear the skin crawling out there!), so I'll bring this back home and say that whether or not these ideals are yours, I know I have entertained that mode of thinking more than a time or two.

 

You know us well.;) Yep, I was squirming a bit as a read this; yep, you're generalizing way too much.

 

In my view, text messaging isn't a high stakes player. We've decided to enable text messaging for our daughter's phone for a couple of months. We'll keep the rest of her money and allow her to extend her service if she proves herself responsible with texting for that initial trial period.

 

I was fairly certain, upon reading your first post, that you'd arrive at that decision. I wonder if sometimes, when we come here to talk about an issue we're having, we don't already know what we're going to do about it. I sense that from some of us, kwim?

[Tammyla]

My dd/14 has a prepaid cell phone with text messaging. It was an easy choice for us.

[threetreasurs]

We just allowed text messaging this fall and I am amazed at how useful it is for staying in touch.:D

[Doran]

I was fairly certain, upon reading your first post, that you'd arrive at that decision. I wonder if sometimes, when we come here to talk about an issue we're having, we don't already know what we're going to do about it. I sense that from some of us, kwim?

 

 

Oh yes! I do so love a second opinion, but I really prefer the ones that mesh with what I already believe. Maybe what I should do in the future is this:

 

 

"Hey, folks. I've got this issue I'm working on. I've already decided what course of action to take but seeing as how I'm so darned codependent, I figured I'd put it up here for you all to dissect. I simply can't make a decision without some kind of validation. Hopefully, enough of you will agree with me that I'll be able to let go of any residual doubt and move on in my life. Okay, so here goes..."

 

 

How does that sound? Think that would go over better?

 

 

Thanks, Colleen. I know you're trying to help, but in this case you've stepped on my toes a bit. My guess is that's my ego talking though, and that my feelings are stemming from the fact that you're more than a little correct. It's hard to be humble.

 

And yet, I also know that if the entire mass of voices here said, "Oh, Doran, noooooo! Don't do it!" I would think a lot harder about whatever decision it was I'd already made. That probably means I'm spineless. I'd like to believe it just means I'm open minded and that I choose carefully which hills I'd like to die on. Wait. You can only die once. Guess I'd better be pretty darn particular, huh? :lol:

 

 

Peace -- and sincere understanding.

[Colleen]

I don't know what to say, Doran. Please forgive me for inadvertently stepping on your toes. And forgive me for smarting at your sarcastic response; I know it came across as hurtful to me only because I'm feeling "touchy" right now.

 

It was not my intention to imply any of us are codependent when we seek advice here. Even when we do already have an idea what we want to do, or should do, there are times when it helps to hash it out, to think through different perspectives. Sometimes, though, I realize after taking the time to reply to a given thread, that the decision is likely already made. This was one of those cases, and when you updated with your decision, it felt to me...oh, I dunno. It felt dismissive. I read it as: "Yes, I've had all those same, inane, knee-jerk reactions to texting that some of you seem to have, but we don't think it's a big issue, so that's that."

 

Oh, well. It's all good. Peace to you, too.

[HRAAB]

I'd let her have it, but the phone would be mine at MY bedtime every night.

 

I wish I'd had this advice before we let our 15 yr old dd get it. :001_smile:

 

I don't know if I would let a child that young have texting again, but this is based solely upon our very bad experience with a certain dd. I would watch it, check logs (they can delete though), and sleep with it.

 

Janet

[HRAAB]

On second thought, I'm not sure I'd let them have their own cellphone until older. If they're gone from home, they can borrow mine or their dad's.

 

Can you tell we've had MAJOR cell phone problems with our certain dd?

 

Janet

[Doran]

Oh, well. It's all good. Peace to you, too.

 

 

I typed out a lengthy reply and then determined it was better sent via PM...you know, between friends....

 

:001_unsure:

[ereks mom]

yes, provided that she has enough of a steady income (from babysitting or doing odd jobs for relatives & neighbors, etc.) that she could afford it. I would sit down with her and do the math to determine that she would be able to: 1) tithe, 2) put some into her savings, and 3) have spending money for the movies or occasional trips to the mall, etc.

[Hebrews3:13]

Seems like a waste of her hard-earned money and gift money. Let her email her buddies instead. Besides, if she needs to communicate with someone so badly, can't she just call them? (If they're not where they can receive a phone call, then they probably shouldn't be texting either, right?)

 

You would think so, wouldn't you? But not so much. My DD 12 has a phone with texting that her biological father got her so they could keep in contact. She uses texting a lot. We have rules and sometimes I just get annoyed :glare: and tell her she has done it enough, get off! However, she does not text when she shouldn't so that is not it with the calling.

 

DH asks her that all the time. He says "Why not just call, is it that hard?".

 

Oh, dear heavens the abbreviations will make you insane. took me a week 2 figur out IDK & how 2 spell w/ #s. (A small sample for you!) :D Ugh.

 

I began to think maybe she was texting things she felt uncomfortable talking about in my presence, but after some snooping (sorry I am one of those parents- after DH and I were both VERY horrid, mischievious youths) that is not the case either.

 

I say let her have it, keep on top of it though. It is not a diary, it is an electronic device that if she were in contact with the wrong person, could be to her detriment. It should be open for inspection anytime, including contacts and messages. You have a right (a need) to know who she is talking to. (Nothing said in the previous paragraph is to be a reflection of said child, just a comment from a somewhat over-zealous Mom who watches "Americas Most Wanted".)

 

It is probably something she just wants because a friend has it, right?