dands Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 boy do i have issues with my in laws. My sil invites us to ther kids party for the end on July. Yesterday , she pressed me and says " I have know for sure you are coming because i need to buy some extras things and buy expedite shipping" I had already discussed with my dh and because we really cannot afford these children presents. Is always a stressful time when it comes to their birthdays and there are 6 kids, 2 or 3 at a time to a birthday party. And they get so fancy with their parties. We do not spoil our kids this way at all. So unless i can work some kind of budget till their birthday, i cannot say for sure if we will go. So because of her ackward push of question. I told her NO! She then tells her dh and her dh goes to my dh. WHAT??? Did i not just say "NO!" This is not the first time i am not taken serious with my choices, her dh just does not seem to respect what i say. Last time before this, week before mothers day. She askes me what we are going to do for mother day. Please understand, i come from unknow family so there is no parents from my side of the family. She wanted if we were going to take my mil for dinner. Because they were. Her husband make 5 more time than what my husband make. Each eating out would mean spending around $300 to $400 a meal for everyone. we are 8 in our family. And remember this is the mil that does not eat anything you offer her unless is organic. So i make the mistake to tell her, we were not going to celebrate mothers day like that. She turns around and tells her dh and her dh tells his mother and her mother calls my dh and says what i said. Crying, that she gave birth to him and she should be celebrated. My husband gives in and i just could not believe the disrespect and manipulation. My husband told her the truth that we could not afford to take her out. But she did not care. The end of this story, i ended up cooking all day for her on mothers day for her celebrated day to save money. But hey she was happy, right ? and i got 8 premade bought cookies:glare: Now, we are back to same backstabbin and disrespect. I feel they are like children when they get a no answer then go to the next till they get a yes. Her dh called my dh today at work to invite him to the party personally, my dh could not talk to him at work. My dh is not happy about this and i hope he tells him that i already said no. thanks for letting vent, and sorry for errors in grammar etc.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starwarsmomma Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 No means no. Be a united front. Make a plan with hubby BEFORE he answers the phone/email. Be firm, don't be afraid to hurt feelings. They will recover. tell them you don't expect them to give your children expensive gifts either... that you will focus on a small something (like a book) to show you want to honor their event, but cannot and will not spend what you do not have. Been there. done that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swimtaxi234 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 :grouphug: It would probably help if you were honest and just told them that 1) you really do want to spend time with them and 2) your strict budget keeps you for joining in their activities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twilight Woods Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 If they truly wanted you there to celebrate they wouldn't/shouldn't care about a gift. If you were my SIL I would say Come anyways and dont worry about the gift. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I don't have much to suggest for this time, but in the future tell them that they need to discuss plans with dh and that you don't have the answer right then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Vent away...:grouphug: But :iagree: you need a united front. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celia Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 My thoughts are that you and your husband need to agree before hand how you'll handle these situations. It's working for them right now the way they're handling it, so they'll continue to do so. I think you also need to be honest about the money thing, saying we'd love to come to the party, but can't afford presents. The kids can make them something though! Then leave it in her court to respond to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 Next time SIL presses you on something, tell her that she or BIL should just talk directly with your DH. Since that's what ends up happening anyway, you might as well stay out of the middle. As far as gifts, my favorite gift is a nice book with something personal written in the front. I try to pick these up for gifts at the thrift store or garage sales on the cheap. But when the budget is really tight, I have also just given a nice hade-made card. DD11 got one for her birthday where her aunt had printed a picture of DD on the front - very cool! I understand it's not just a matter of $$$ though.... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athena1277 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 :grouphug: It would probably help if you were honest and just told them that 1) you really do want to spend time with them and 2) your strict budget keeps you for joining in their activities. This. Repeated as often as it takes for it to sink in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 If they truly wanted you there to celebrate they wouldn't/shouldn't care about a gift. If you were my SIL I would say Come anyways and dont worry about the gift. :) :iagree: I guess my first thought is to wonder if you're helping make the trouble in the first place by assuming that you have to bring nice gifts instead of just something from the dollar store or something cute and homemade from your kids. Of course, I could see it either way - some people really are snooty and expect presents in exchange for a nice party. But some people are just affluent and oblivious and don't care about the presents - they just want to throw a cool party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 No means no. Be a united front. Make a plan with hubby BEFORE he answers the phone/email. And have hubby tell them to only call work if someone is in the ER or a house is on fire. Have hubby go over to visit MIL for MD with flowers and small gift and then come home to celebrate you. The kids can send a homemade Grandma card. When you say no, remind them that you really do mean no and that you don't want to be nagged about it. Say this very politely, with a smile in your voice. "And since we've been down this road, you know that I mean no when I say no. I'm sorry, but we can't come to the party." Then, if it gets back around, send a polite note reminding the guilty party that no means no and that you are SURE they will understand why you'd like everything to just mean what you mean. Thank them profusely for understanding and sign the note with "love". Be an iron fist in a velvet glove. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3browneyedboys4me Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 It sounds like they genuinly want you to come, but they don't understand your reasoning for not coming.I would not like the manipulation part at all. However, if they dont' understand why you are saying no, it might just be their way of getting a more direct answer. Specifically, your MIL calling her son and finally your dh telling her it was b/c of money. If you had been honest from the beginning, they would know you just couldn't afford it and make other plans....that didn't involve you cooking for everyone.:glare: I would just talk with dh about how you wish to handle the expensive family gatherings and let everyone know. That should take care of the problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oakblossoms Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 You and your husband need to have a more in depth talk about how to handle these issues. This is the family your husband grew up in. He knows them and that is his mother. He needs to be the man and I don't normally say stuff like that:tongue_smilie: he needs to out his man panties and figure out what to do. Otherwise you will be the bad guy and he is letting that happen. I would go to their party. I would take what I normally take as gifts to a party. Bubbles are good for summer. We have a toy store that wraps gifts. I can usually pick up something nice there and they wrap it. I usually bring a dish to share. You and your dh need to be you and be comfortable being you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acorn Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 You should celebrate the birth of your nieces/nephews without stressing about the cost of a gift. Are you crafty or can you think of special treats like a full size candy bar that would be appreciated? However family birthdays are a bit easier to budget for than child friend parties because you know you be their Aunt next year also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 If buying presents is truly what is keeping you from the children's parties, I would most definitely attend. It is perfectly acceptable to give inexpensive or homemade gifts. You can't control their reaction to it, but don't assume it will be negative. I still remember my nephew's party many years ago, which one boy was not going to attend b/c he couldn't afford a present. They convinced him to go anyway, and his grandma sent him with a little crocheted dog she had made -he was basically cringing until it was opened, and all the kids started exclaiming about how cute it was, and did his grandma really truly make it? My own kids still have homemade gifts their friends gave them years and years ago. They don't even see most of those girls anymore, but the paper-and-glitter-covered Pringle banks live on. Your kids can make gifts out of whatever you have on hand. If there's a photo of them with the cousins, glue it to a piece of paper and let them decorate it. Draw pictures. Memorize a special poem. Decorate ANYTHING with a lid and call it a bank ;). I realize that their obliviousness can be annoying, but try not to assume bad motives. If they repeat their invitation to a party, assume it's because they really want your kids there until they say or prove otherwise. If they ask if you want to take Mom out to dinner, simply say no, but I will make her dinner (or whatever it is you are willing to do). There are so, so many ways to celebrate someone without spending tons of money - the trick is to make a list of them when you are NOT under pressure. Start an ongoing list to choose from. Other things we/my kids have given: *A "dozen long-stemmed poses" - simply paste photos onto paper flowers *Performances - recite a poem, tell a joke, play an instrument, sing a song; this works even better when you choose the performance to suit the person, like doing "Who's on first?" for the Abbott & Costello fan *The usual drawings and random craft items *A letter saying something good about the person, or relating a shared memory. "10 Things I Love About You" is a fun way to do this, and you can either just write/print it out or decorate it. Easily changed to 10 things I like about you, 10 ways my cousin is awesome, 10 times I was glad you're my friend, and so on. You can cut it to 5 if 10 is too challenging :tongue_smilie: Well, you get the idea. Remember, you can't control their thoughts or actions, only your own, so quit giving the financial disparity so much room in your mind. Respond to it in a practical way when needed (dinner at home instead of out), and move on. They either accept your gifts and suggestions, or they don't. That's okay - that part is not up to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dands Posted July 10, 2012 Author Share Posted July 10, 2012 Yes, i did say it. Specifically i said " We have no money to take her out for a meal and if we did we would have to borrow". Her husband because he does not know what that means he goes and tattletales to his mom. This people are not at ignorant of how we struggle. I have already told her we have no money gift, i hate tooting my horn but I believe if i want to bless someone i do not need to wait till their birthday to show my love to them. I gift the children as i see a grea deal throughout the year. But this is not about gift or a party. My issue is the not accepting and respecting my answer. The going behing my back. I know my husband caved to his mother tears last time . Last time he told me he would talk to his brother about letting the wives speak their mind without going and telling his mother what i said. But the right time never came and is back for round 2. My husband stands with my answer and i sure hope he lets him know that i had already answered to the invitation. Otheewise, i will do this When you say no, remind them that you really do mean no and that you don't want to be nagged about it. Say this very politely, with a smile in your voice. "And since we've been down this road, you know that I mean no when I say no. I'm sorry, but we can't come to the party." Then, if it gets back around, send a polite note reminding the guilty party that no means no and that you are SURE they will understand why you'd like everything to just mean what you mean. Thank them profusely for understanding and sign the note with "love". Be an iron fist in a velvet glove. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 :grouphug: It would probably help if you were honest and just told them that 1) you really do want to spend time with them and 2) your strict budget keeps you for joining in their activities. Yes, why don't you just do this. It's a shame to miss the kid's party because of this gift thing. No kid remembers the gift 10 years later, but the kid will remember if you were a presence in his life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 No kid remembers the gift 10 years later, but the kid will remember if you were a presence in his life. So very true. And your children will remember not going to their cousins parties. My cousins and I were constant presences in each others lives. If the adults had issues, they weren't known to the children. I would have accepted the invite, and found something, even if I had to make it, to give to the child. Bubbles are a great idea, with some cool blower. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I wouldn't be upset. It sounds like gift giving is not important to you (or something you are super stressed about) and that it's just part of life for your in-laws. I understand the disparity in income issue. It's something that is likely always going to be there. Find a way to work through it. You know that holidays and birthdays happen every year. Make a plan well in advance and go for it! I find all kinds of CUTE ideas on pinterest that work for gifts that are easily made for under $5. A lot of gift-giving is in the packaging. Find a way to make things look upscale and boutique-y and even if they are snobs it should still go over well. I just searched pinterest for inexpensive gifts and came up with this: http://pinterest.com/search/?q=inexpensive+gifts Spend some time scrolling and see if you find something that works for you. Now if the real issue is that you don't want to hang out with them, fine, we've btdt too....but it sounds like a lot of miscommunication to me at this point with you being made out to be the "bad guy".... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 when you say "no", does your dh back you up? He needs to. who does the bills in your family? if your dh, allow him to answer his family's requests. if they can afford more extravagent gifts, allow them to give them and do NOT feel obligated to purchase as extravagent a gift. this is NOT a competition -even if they feel they are in one, don't play the game. if they have a problem, oh well, that's their problem and maybe in the future you won't have to purchase them any gifts.;) I've a friend with a brother who makes *extremely* comfortable money - he looks forward every year to her tin of homemade divinity candy and it means alot to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 <snip> I have already told her we have no money gift, i hate tooting my horn but I believe if i want to bless someone i do not need to wait till their birthday to show my love to them. I gift the children as i see a grea deal throughout the year. But this is not about gift or a party. My issue is the not accepting and respecting my answer. The going behing my back. I know my husband caved to his mother tears last time . Last time he told me he would talk to his brother about letting the wives speak their mind without going and telling his mother what i said. But the right time never came and is back for round 2. My husband stands with my answer and i sure hope he lets him know that i had already answered to the invitation. Otheewise, i will do this What was her response? With the info I have now, it sounds like she knows you won't bring a gift and still wants you to go anyway. If so, I would certainly make every effort to attend. I wouldn't want my kids to miss their cousin's party, no matter how annoying the parents are :D I don't let people manipulate me or feel bad about myself, but in the end, family is family, and I am willing to put up with a lot of annoying and clueless behavior. After all, if they were clever and charming and fun to be around, they would be your FRIENDS :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 What was her response? With the info I have now, it sounds like she knows you won't bring a gift and still wants you to go anyway. If so, I would certainly make every effort to attend. I wouldn't want my kids to miss their cousin's party, no matter how annoying the parents are Well said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Ok, this is my opinion...time for dh to leave and cleave. Your feelings and your family's financial well being come before manipulative mommy's feelings. No means no, and it is a complete sentence. "That doesn't work for us." Is the most explanation called for. Def stand yr ground and don't participate. Tell dh he is extremely unattractive as a momma's boy if he is being one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I would not let money be a reason why I do not attend a niece's/nephew's party! It is a special day to celebrate...it makes me wonder whether you just don't want your kids to see another family go 'all out' for fear it will make you look bad, or you just don't condone going all out so don't want to be around it, or don't have enough money to buy gifts and don't want the stress of being looked down upon..all of which are coming from the wrong place....this is a child's birthday, by all means go and celebrate it to reinforce that you care for this child and love him...those are the things that mean more than all the fluff and stuff. I honestly would never say 'no' to a party if I was invited...especially family....it is so important to shower love on these young children..not gifts..the biggest and best gift you can give is your attention/love/care....not sure why this is not the first thought? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amey311 Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 My sil invites us to ther kids party for the end on July. Yesterday , she pressed me and says " I have know for sure you are coming because i need to buy some extras things and buy expedite shipping" I had already discussed with my dh and because we really cannot afford these children presents. Is always a stressful time when it comes to their birthdays and there are 6 kids, 2 or 3 at a time to a birthday party. And they get so fancy with their parties. We do not spoil our kids this way at all. So unless i can work some kind of budget till their birthday, i cannot say for sure if we will go. So because of her ackward push of question. I told her NO! Let me see if I got this correct: You've been invited to a birthday party for a child. You haven't let the host know if you'll be there or not. Your host is trying to plan for the correct number of guests and asks you to commit to going or not. You feel under pressure because you aren't sure if you can afford a gift for the child. You tell the host you won't be attending. The host is upset that you're not attending and complains to her husband who complains to your husband. A. When is the party? B. My husband might get upset if I decided that we couldn't attend a family party without checking with him first - maybe he'd go without me and take the kids if I didn't want to go. Maybe he has some ideas for low or no cost gifts. C. Did you tell your husband that you're not attending because you don't have a gift to bring? I can understand the host wanting some firm decision on your attendance if she needs to order particular things. Even if she's throwing a party different from how she's doing it, it's HER EVENT and she wants certain things for it and a firm headcount. This isn't an unreasonable request. Think of the number of threads we have here about people who don't RSVP to parties. I'm sure there are other parts to this family and the problem, but on this one issue, I don't think it's a huge deal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkpan Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Let me see if I got this correct: You've been invited to a birthday party for a child. You haven't let the host know if you'll be there or not. Your host is trying to plan for the correct number of guests and asks you to commit to going or not. You feel under pressure because you aren't sure if you can afford a gift for the child. You tell the host you won't be attending. The host is upset that you're not attending and complains to her husband who complains to your husband. A. When is the party? B. My husband might get upset if I decided that we couldn't attend a family party without checking with him first - maybe he'd go without me and take the kids if I didn't want to go. Maybe he has some ideas for low or no cost gifts. C. Did you tell your husband that you're not attending because you don't have a gift to bring? I can understand the host wanting some firm decision on your attendance if she needs to order particular things. Even if she's throwing a party different from how she's doing it, it's HER EVENT and she wants certain things for it and a firm headcount. This isn't an unreasonable request. Think of the number of threads we have here about people who don't RSVP to parties. I'm sure there are other parts to this family and the problem, but on this one issue, I don't think it's a huge deal. :iagree: and let me point out that just because other families celebrate their dc's birthdays differently than you, it does not mean that they are "spoiled". I honestly can't imagine why you would let something as unimportant as how much your gift costs keep you from attending your neice or nephews, your kids' cousins, birthday party. I think that you are making this too much about you and not enough about your dh's family. Honestly, I also can't understand why you would not honor your dh's mother on mother's day. You mentioned that you would not celebrate on your side - How does that then mean that mother's day is not significant to your dh's mother?? That was commendable that you decided to cook for her to save the cost of eating out. I am sorry that it was so burdensome for you. It was not right of your sil to not accept your no as final. On the other hand, if this is your pattern of not allowing your dh and kids to have significant time with dh family on special family occasions, then I have to say that I can understand their frustration (especially his mother's hurt). Forgive me if I have misunderstood the situation. There is only so much info that is can be conveyed on a message board. But based on the info in your OP, I would hope that you would be willing to open your heart more to you dh's family, if not for your sake, then for the sake of your dh and kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 If they truly wanted you there to celebrate they wouldn't/shouldn't care about a gift. If you were my SIL I would say Come anyways and dont worry about the gift. :) :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 It sounds like your Dh would like to have a say in how things are handled with his family and is doing so after the fact. I would just get in the habit of checking with him first. And, I probably would just show up with or without gift as I could afford. We have all sorts of economic situations in our extended family- everyone does what they can and we all get along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3peasinWa Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Since you do want to go to your neices/nephew's b-day's - then as others said - accept the invitation & bring a homemade gift - there is no need for an explanation. Just celebrate the kids - being there means a lot & having a heartfelt gift is a lesson to your own children of what's important. Also , for the Mother's Day, maybe talk to hubby for next year about inviting Mom over for lunch beforehand - so you don't get "sucked in" to something you don't/can't do. Being proactive instead of reactive may help in this situation. Not saying this is how it went down, but instead of waiting for other family members to make the plan & just expect you to fork over lots of $ - just make your own plans with MIL next year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Just in case you go, a very popular gift in my family is a very large king-sized candy bar. What kid, any age, doesn't like to get candy? The size is what makes it a gift. Walmart has Hershey bars for less than $2.00. Add a $1 card. Wrap it with a ribbon or birthday paper if you have it already. Or, wrap it in the funny papers. Or print out a piece of paper with a cute Happy Birthday graphic and wrap it around. It won't cover the whole thing but it can act a a label which is customized. Sorry you're going through this. Good luck making a decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 When my SIL calls, I never give her an answer - she won't hear it anyway! I simply tell her that I'll talk with my hubby and he'll get back to her. She hears what hubby says (it's her brother). This way, I don't get sucked into drama and she still feels that she has to respect him, I on the other hand am just the crazy, loud mouth, opinionated, always wrong sister-in-law who can do nothing right when talking care of the in-laws who live next door to us. Delegate to your husband. It honestly makes your life sooo much easier! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdie Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 When my SIL calls, I never give her an answer - she won't hear it anyway! I simply tell her that I'll talk with my hubby and he'll get back to her. She hears what hubby says (it's her brother). This way, I don't get sucked into drama and she still feels that she has to respect him, I on the other hand am just the crazy, loud mouth, opinionated, always wrong sister-in-law who can do nothing right when talking care of the in-laws who live next door to us. Delegate to your husband. It honestly makes your life sooo much easier! :iagree: About 12 years ago I stopped making plans with my SIL. Now when she calls I hand the phone to my dh. If he isn't home I tell her that I don't have his calendar in front of me but I will make sure he calls her right back. What a huge relief to not be wrapped up in all that. Also for Mother's Day my dh often takes his mom out to eat without us. Just one on one time for his mom and him. She loves it and it saves us a lot of money and saves me from hours of cooking. Lastly, let you dh worry about the money when it comes to his family. My SIL/BIL planned brithday parties for their children at restaurants. We each had to pay for our meal plus bring gifts. I really resented that since we were on a tight budget at the time. Now that my nieces and nephews are grown I am so thankful we attended - and somehow we are still debt free. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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