"If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you're giving away pieces of your heart..." CC

[Lisa R.]

"If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you're giving away pieces of your heart to that person that you will never get back. Your *whole* heart should be reserved for your future spouse." :confused:

 

I've heard and read this again and again in conservative Christian circles regarding dating. While I'm not about to encourage young kids to date, I still think the above statement is simply wrong. I don't think it's based on...anything. Yet, it is repeated over and over again and is somehow accepted as truth.

 

Here's my analogy: If I have one child, I love that child with a fierce love. But...what if I have more children? Will there be more love left for them? What if I have 5 or even 10 children? Will I have given all my love or all of my heart to the first one or two, so there won't be any left?

 

Love multiplies. We don't need to worry about love running out.

 

Thank you for listening. I feel better now. :)

[Soror]

Ya, we are Christian here and will very strongly encourage abstinence, delayed courtship etc but I will not use that phrase. I think the logic is flawed as well. I think it could be more apt to refer to virginity, as is you can only give it once but still yet it just rubs me wrong.

[oasis]

I grew up with this teaching, except it was only "giving away" pieces of your heart if you're having sex with the boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

It wasn't taught that simply having a boyfriend/girlfriend was giving away a part of yourself.

[Paintedlady]

Romantic love is a different kind of love. I agree with the original sentiment, having experienced it (still experiencing it).

[Cassy]

"If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you're giving away pieces of your heart to that person that you will never get back. Your *whole* heart should be reserved for your future spouse." :confused:

 

I've heard and read this again and again in conservative Christian circles regarding dating. While I'm not about to encourage young kids to date, I still think the above statement is simply wrong. I don't think it's based on...anything. Yet, it is repeated over and over again and is somehow accepted as truth.

 

Here's my analogy: If I have one child, I love that child with a fierce love. But...what if I have more children? Will there be more love left for them? What if I have 5 or even 10 children? Will I have given all my love or all of my heart to the first one or two, so there won't be any left?

 

Love multiplies. We don't need to worry about love running out.

 

Thank you for listening. I feel better now. :)

 

:iagree: I had exactly the same thoughts as you did when I read that earlier today. I couldn't disagree more.

 

Cassy

[PrincessMommy]

I don't agree with that saying at all; it drives me crazy.

 

That being said, I also don't agree with serial dating or dating to "try them out". I wouldn't encourage DS to date someone who he didn't consider marriage material, but if it didn't work out, then that's fine.

 

:iagree:

[bkpan]

Oh, I get the sentiment. If you are very fortunate to have just one love and you only "know" your experience with that person, then there is nothing to compare this with.

 

How I wish that I did not have ghosts from the past that every now and then enter my thoughts and sometimes cause discontentment and unrest. I believe that those lucky couples that have only had each other can be blessed with a certain unity and closeness that is harder sometimes to attain when you have had a lot of prior relationships.

 

I don't believe in controlling my children's dating decisions in the later teen years, but I do hope that they are lucky enough to find the loves of their lives early.

[Mandylubug]

well, the context in which the statement was used today was in regards to a conversation with a child that was sneaking out of a home. AS a child that also snuck out of the home to hang with other 14 year olds with inappropriate behavior (I was raised in a devoutly religious family hence the sneaking) it did take a "part of my heart" I have SO many regrets from that behavior that happened due to me sneaking out. But I personally don't think its in regards to an innocent boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but in regards to an inappropriate relationship at an early age.

[katilac]

I utterly disagree with it.

 

Romantic relationships that don't end in marriage don't have to be meaningless or negative. It's very possible to have relationships that leave you with positive memories, and open your heart for the one you do marry.

 

I don't at all regret that both dh and I had romantic relationships before we met and married (21 happy years ago :D).

[Caitilin]

:iagree: I had exactly the same thoughts as you did when I read that earlier today. I couldn't disagree more.

 

Cassy

 

:iagree: yes, this exactly.

[Princess Peach]

Can someone link to the referenced thread, please?

[stripe]

Was it a thread? I thought she just hears people say that.

[Princess Peach]

:iagree: I had exactly the same thoughts as you did when I read that earlier today. I couldn't disagree more.

 

Cassy

 

well, the context in which the statement was used today was in regards to a conversation with a child that was sneaking out of a home. AS a child that also snuck out of the home to hang with other 14 year olds with inappropriate behavior (I was raised in a devoutly religious family hence the sneaking) it did take a "part of my heart" I have SO many regrets from that behavior that happened due to me sneaking out. But I personally don't think its in regards to an innocent boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but in regards to an inappropriate relationship at an early age.

 

This is why I thought it was in a thread.

[stripe]

Oh! Sorry. I have seen it many times here and elsewhere, I wasn't sure it related to anything recent.

[Remudamom]

"If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you're giving away pieces of your heart to that person that you will never get back. Your *whole* heart should be reserved for your future spouse." :confused:

 

I've heard and read this again and again in conservative Christian circles regarding dating. While I'm not about to encourage young kids to date, I still think the above statement is simply wrong. I don't think it's based on...anything. Yet, it is repeated over and over again and is somehow accepted as truth.

 

Here's my analogy: If I have one child, I love that child with a fierce love. But...what if I have more children? Will there be more love left for them? What if I have 5 or even 10 children? Will I have given all my love or all of my heart to the first one or two, so there won't be any left?

 

Love multiplies. We don't need to worry about love running out.

 

Thank you for listening. I feel better now. :)

 

You are wrong too. You can't compare a mother's love for her children with a boy/girlfriend relationship.

[Kathryn]

I don't agree with it. I think that we can have experiences that can harden us or emotionally hurt us, but that doesn't have to be the case, and it's not just with romantic relationships.

[lmrich]

I don't get it really - Is not better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I wish I could safe guard my children from having a broken heart, but I can not. I also hope they don't marry the first person they date. I also hope they don't date until they are mature enough to handle it. I also hope for a lot of things that are ultimately out of my control.

 

I just know I don't regret having had a boyfriend who I loved (not intimate with) before I met my husband. It helped to mature and I knew better how to be in a relationship. I also realized how great he was.

[fairfarmhand]

I don't agree with it. I think that we can have experiences that can harden us or emotionally hurt us, but that doesn't have to be the case, and it's not just with romantic relationships.

and you can have romantic relationships without having sex or even touching. You can have close dating friendships with people of the opposite sex that do not hurt or embarrass you when it ends. There are several people at our church who grew up in the same youth group, attended the same college and dated one another. They are all married to different people now and have children. They can look one another in the eyes and laugh and fellowship because they kept their dating lives wholesome and fun. Dating in itself is not evil. How you do it can set you up for trouble in the future, but just going on dates with people does not necessarily mean that you are giving your heart away to others and diminishing the future happiness in your marriage.

[butterflymommy]

I definitely gave away pieces of my heart to previous BFs while I wish I had saved it all for my husband. So the phrase makes a lot of sense to me. Although the "pieces of heart" is a euphemism for sex AND love in my view.

 

As far as what I tell my kids... I try to be pragmatic about it and frame it in the context of larger life goals. Do they want to do well in school, go on to college, if yes then they should try to avoid major distractions. Do they want to get married and have a family, if yes, then don't date guys who aren't marriage material. But if they do date people or do things I don't approve of I'm not going to get on a high horse about it.

[Mandylubug]

here is the thread that it was mentioned today in regards to a young boy sneaking out to meet a girl in the middle of the night: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=380392&page=7

 

it was in this post:

So, let me give you all an update:

 

After a LOT of talking with our son, we decided upon some appropriate disciplinary measures for him. He has been very good about it and even said that while he doesn't like the things we've implemented, he completely understands.

 

Dh had a good conversation with this girl's father. Between the two of them, they decided that cutting them from each other completely might not be the best idea as that could cause more problems. Since they've never met face to face, both dads thought it a good idea to let them meet but under controlled conditions with parents present. We don't want our son dating until he is in a position to handle a serious relationship with a girl who could potentially be his future wife. We've talked with him about if he gives a piece of his heart to a girl who probably won't be his wife, that's a piece of his heart that won't go to his future wife.

 

So, for now, his ability to communicate to anyone whenever he wants has been squashed. And, any meetings with this young gal will be with parents present in some fashion.

 

While my initial reaction was to go off the deep end and restrict, restrict, restrict, I've realized that he's growing up and I have to communicate with him differently than in the past. It feels like I lost my little boy overnight

 

[ezrabean2005]

From my experience, I knew DH was the one mostly in contrast to other men / relationships I'd had. I don't regret them. I agree with a PP that they helped me to mature and define what a relationship was and what it wasn't.

[DawnM]

Eh, I am not a big proponent of those "needing a boy/girlfriend" all the time, and I want my kids to be secure enough to be single and not dependent on a relationship, but if they are involved in Godly relationships I just don't see it as giving away their heart or parts of it.

 

I am still friends will all of my past boyfriends, at least on FB, and I have no regrets. I didn't sleep with them and I gained something from each relationship.

 

Dawn

[Mandylubug]

Eh, I am not a big proponent of those "needing a boy/girlfriend" all the time, and I want my kids to be secure enough to be single and not dependent on a relationship, but if they are involved in Godly relationships I just don't see it as giving away their heart or parts of it.

 

I am still friends will all of my past boyfriends, at least on FB, and I have no regrets. I didn't sleep with them and I gained something from each relationship.

 

Dawn

 

I agree with this and I would agree a healthy relationship does nothing damaging. Sneaking out at night wouldn't be a healthy relationship, imo. I think that is where the OP of the statement in the other thread was coming from and not (I hope not) claiming any dating relationship is bad. I mean, you do actually have to get to know someone before you are sure if they are marriage material in your book :) I dread my kids those ages. I was horrible as a teenager and have a feeling I will be reaping what I sowed...times four :/

[Xuzi]

That statement bugs me also. I sometimes wonder if it perhaps has the unintended consequence of causing young couples to get married, not necessarily because they believe they've found "the one", but because they don't want to "lose" that piece of their heart and have less to offer the next guy/girl they believe to be marriage material.

 

My DH had other girlfriends before me (even a fiance!), whereas he was my very first boyfriend. I don't feel his love for me is any less than my love for him, and I don't feel like he got anything extra special from me, just because I hadn't been in love with someone else prior to meeting him. I KNOW I have his whole heart. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't like the phrase, but I think the reference was originally linked to the Biblical concept of when you have sex, you are linked/ in union with the person you had sex with.

 

I Cor. 6:15- 16

15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! 16 Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “ The two shall become one flesh.â€

 

So I think the idea of giving away a piece of your heart is really giving away a piece of your soul because you were made one with that person.

[mytwomonkeys]

i think the term isn't meant to imply that we cannot love more than one person. it has more to do with the regret and baggage that we sometimes bring into our marriages due to past relationships.

[kalanamak]

i think the term isn't meant to imply that we cannot love more than one person. it has more to do with the regret and baggage that we sometimes bring into our marriages due to past relationships.

 

As opposed to the regret and baggage of not knowing what other people can be like, and instead of counting your lucky stars over who you have, you have a mid-life crisis of curiosity and abandon your family around the age of 40. I've seen that more than people who yearn for their high school sweetheart and run off with them.

[mytwomonkeys]

As opposed to the regret and baggage of not knowing what other people can be like, and instead of counting your lucky stars over who you have, you have a mid-life crisis of curiosity and abandon your family around the age of 40. I've seen that more than people who yearn for their high school sweetheart and run off with them.

 

 

i'm sure that happens too. i don't think it has to be and/or. i believe it's both. the outcome of one's marriage has much more to do with whether or not you dated beforehand, that i am certain of.

[danybug]

I guess I am in the minority, because I agree with the statement. I think whatever prior relationships we have does take a piece of our "heart" away from our future spouse. You shared, loved and grew with the person in a way that you will not ever have with your future spouse. It does't matter what the bond is with your dh or how much more complete the love is, there is still bits and pieces of love lost and baggage in your mind and heart.

 

I do think that I personally but more weight in to the statement when you are including sexual aspects, because obviously this is a much deeper connection. I know that I have thoughts, memories and dreams that I consider baggage that I wish I did not have. There is not anything that I would consider so monumental with any of my past boyfriends that I wish I could have kept over having a completely fulfilling love and bond with my dh. I would surely forfeit all of them and I would love for my children to be able to learn from my past experiences and hopefully avoid unnecessary heartache.

[Wheres Toto]

As opposed to the regret and baggage of not knowing what other people can be like, and instead of counting your lucky stars over who you have, you have a mid-life crisis of curiosity and abandon your family around the age of 40. I've seen that more than people who yearn for their high school sweetheart and run off with them.

 

I agree with this. I'd rather my kids have some relationships so they can know what they really want in a spouse instead of settling for the first person they think might be right. That's not to say I think they should serial date or sleep around but I think there's a lot of room between that and marrying the first person you date.

 

I had relationships before dh, I was married before. He had relationships, he was 48 years old when we married. I don't think our past relationships hurt our relationship or make us less close. In fact, in my case I know how good I have it now because I know some of how bad it can be.

[kalanamak]

the outcome of one's marriage has much more to do with whether or not you dated beforehand, that i am certain of.

 

:iagree:

 

And I feel certain that "regret and baggage people" can often just be difficult people who make excuses or who have a genuine disorder, like pervasive anxiety. I've had more than my share of things to have baggage over, but I chose to leave them at the door.

[Kathryn]

That statement bugs me also. I sometimes wonder if it perhaps has the unintended consequence of causing young couples to get married, not necessarily because they believe they've found "the one", but because they don't want to "lose" that piece of their heart and have less to offer the next guy/girl they believe to be marriage material.

 

My DH had other girlfriends before me (even a fiance!), whereas he was my very first boyfriend. I don't feel his love for me is any less than my love for him, and I don't feel like he got anything extra special from me, just because I hadn't been in love with someone else prior to meeting him. I KNOW I have his whole heart. :)

 

:iagree: the only people I know IRL who followed this line of thinking got married young so that they could be together and divorced a year later when they discovered the lust of wanting to be together did not make a good marriage.

[Aelwydd]

I guess I am in the minority, because I agree with the statement. I think whatever prior relationships we have does take a piece of our "heart" away from our future spouse. You shared, loved and grew with the person in a way that you will not ever have with your future spouse. It does't matter what the bond is with your dh or how much more complete the love is, there is still bits and pieces of love lost and baggage in your mind and heart.

 

Maybe you feel incomplete, but I don't, so please don't talk about this as if you are in someone else's head and can speak for their feelings.

 

Also, loving other people in no way takes away from my love for my dh. I'm quite grateful for previous relationships, because I learned and grew during those times. I'm the sum of my experiences; the person my dh came to know and love would have been quite different if she had never known or experienced any connections before meeting him.

[danybug]

Maybe you feel incomplete, but I don't, so please don't talk about this as if you are in someone else's head and can speak for their feelings.

 

Also, loving other people in no way takes away from my love for my dh. I'm quite grateful for previous relationships, because I learned and grew during those times. I'm the sum of my experiences; the person my dh came to know and love would have been quite different if she had never known or experienced any connections before meeting him.

 

Note I did not say I was incomplete and note I did not say I was in someone's head. I was stating my opinion and how I wanted to explain my opinion. Last time I checked people can state differing opinions and discuss their thinking without others commenting that I am speaking for their feelings :001_huh:

[Kathryn]

Maybe you feel incomplete, but I don't, so please don't talk about this as if you are in someone else's head and can speak for their feelings.

 

Also, loving other people in no way takes away from my love for my dh. I'm quite grateful for previous relationships, because I learned and grew during those times. I'm the sum of my experiences; the person my dh came to know and love would have been quite different if she had never known or experienced any connections before meeting him.

 

:iagree: I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for the experiences, good and bad, that I've had along the way. I may not look back fondly on some choices or experiences, but I wouldn't change them.

[kalanamak]

Note I did not say I was incomplete and note I did not say I was in someone's head. I was stating my opinion and how I wanted to explain my opinion. Last time I checked people can state differing opinions and discuss their thinking without others commenting that I am speaking for their feelings :001_huh:

 

You said "whatever prior relationships WE had..." This makes it look like you are talking about something that is a more universal phenomenon than just you.

 

:grouphug: I hope you get over your feelings. Your children are young, and I'm thinking you are, too. By the time you are 50, you might not even remember those old bf's names, they are so unimportant to you!

[butterflymommy]

Maybe you feel incomplete, but I don't, so please don't talk about this as if you are in someone else's head and can speak for their feelings.

 

Also, loving other people in no way takes away from my love for my dh. I'm quite grateful for previous relationships, because I learned and grew during those times. I'm the sum of my experiences; the person my dh came to know and love would have been quite different if she had never known or experienced any connections before meeting him.

 

She said she recognized that she is in the minority, so I don't get the impression she was claiming to read the world's collective mind. Her "you" is a general you.

[kalanamak]

She said she recognized that she is in the minority, so I don't get the impression she was claiming to read the world's collective mind. Her "you" is a general you.

 

Is her "we" the royal we? Or does she have worms? :lol:

[Blueridge]

Sorry I haven't read your responses yet, but isn't that in line with the teachings of Bill Gothard? That may be where it originated. We've heard it a lot through the years, too. Funny...just today we were at Walmart, and I saw a red men's T-shirt that said, "DADD...Dads Against daughter's Dating". :D

 

ETA I think I should have read the responses first lol.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Blueridge

[Aelwydd]

Note I did not say I was incomplete and note I did not say I was in someone's head. I was stating my opinion and how I wanted to explain my opinion. Last time I checked people can state differing opinions and discuss their thinking without others commenting that I am speaking for their feelings :001_huh:

 

If you were stating your opinion, then using terms such as "I" would be helpful. As it was, you began with "We" making it an inclusive/universal statement, and then you progressed to second person, saying "You," this and "you" that. Perhaps that wasn't your intent, but it felt like you were literally telling the reader what he/she must experience as the result of a pre-marital relationship.

 

Also, no, you didn't say you were "incomplete;" you just used terms like giving parts away of yourself, that supposedly can never be retrieved or regained. If that's true, then it follows that one may never achieve wholeness again, since there are apparently gaping holes somewhere in his or her emotional composite. Thus, why I extrapolated your basic meaning--that once someone "gives away their heart," it's never truly whole--complete--again.

 

ETA: Here are the parts of your post that had me thinking you were talking for other people besides yourself.

 

guess I am in the minority, because I agree with the statement. I think whatever prior relationships we have does take a piece of our "heart" away from our future spouse. You shared, loved and grew with the person in a way that you will not ever have with your future spouse. It does't matter what the bond is with your dh or how much more complete the love is, there is still bits and pieces of love lost and baggage in your mind and heart.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Aelwydd

[mytwomonkeys]

She said she recognized that she is in the minority, so I don't get the impression she was claiming to read the world's collective mind. Her "you" is a general you.

 

i agree. i didn't take her post as speaking for anyone other than herself. we all have very personal experiences, and i assume each poster is sharing from personal hurts or triumphs that shaped their own thoughts being shared here.

[kalanamak]

You can't compare a mother's love for her children with a boy/girlfriend relationship.

 

I can and do. At the risk of being scandalous if taken the wrong way, I, when asked by my ex-husband what being a mother was like, replied: "Like having a lover with the sex taken out". You touch this person, you care for the person, you cook for the person, you read to the person, you care what happens to the person, you protect the person, etc. To me there is A LOT of overlap.

 

However, I freely admit my romantic relationships haven't been me being cared for and adored and pampered, but more a goal of helping each other out on our shared and unshared goals. Perhaps my pragmatism is showing. ;)

[Renee in NC]

No regret, no baggage. I even had a *child* before I met my dh. We're 15 years strong.

 

If this sentiment were true, then if someone had a spouse who died, then they wouldn't have any "heart" left to give someone else.

 

I used to care about such things when I was younger, but now I realize that it falls into the category of things that happen and aren't the end of the world.

 

Some things matter so much more than whether someone had a boyfriend or girlfriend before they met their spouse.

[kalanamak]

i agree. i didn't take her post as speaking for anyone other than herself. we all have very personal experiences, and i assume each poster is sharing from personal hurts or triumphs that shaped their own thoughts being shared here.

 

Actually, I usually share from life observations, because other people are so much more interesting than me. I lead a very boring life. I do love looking at human tendencies, weaknesses, foibles, and fads.

[Little Nyssa]

I never heard the expression before I read it in the other thread, but I agree with it.

[Kathryn]

Is her "we" the royal we? Or does she have worms? :lol:

 

Sorry, this made me :lol:

[danybug]

You said "whatever prior relationships WE had..." This makes it look like you are talking about something that is a more universal phenomenon than just you.

 

:grouphug: I hope you get over your feelings. Your children are young, and I'm thinking you are, too. By the time you are 50, you might not even remember those old bf's names, they are so unimportant to you!

 

I had no idea my opinion and statement was going to be dissected and then my actual marriage or whatever you would specify it as would be commented on. Because I stated I had an opinion in the minority and made the unfortunate mistake while quickly typing my response of not checking all of my person usages I had no idea I would be criticized in such a manner. Excuse me for trying to articulate why I had a different view point.

 

No, I am not incomplete the Lord fills my heart each and ever day of my life! I have an amazing marriage with a man that loves me more than words and I love more than words. Sheesh! I am silly for taking the bait to be irritated by the comments back to me, but why does everyone always have to jump all over a differing opinion. Take it for what it is worth and comment back if you like, but making personal comments is just plain rude!

Edited May 17, 2012 by danybug
typo

[Kathryn]

I had no idea my opinion and statement was going to be dissected and then my actual marriage or whatever you would specify it as would be commented on. Because I stated I had an opinion in the minority and made the unfortunate mistake while quickly typing my response of not checking all of my person usages I had no idea I would be criticized in such a manner. Excuse me for trying to articulate why I had a different view point.

 

No, I am not incomplete the Lord fills my heart each and ever day of my life! I have an amazing marriage with a man that love me more than words and I love more than words. Sheesh! I am silly for taking the bait to be irritated by the comments back to me, but why does everyone always have to jump all over a differing opinion. Take it for what it is worth and not comment back if you like, but making personal comments is just plain rude!

 

I don't think she's trying to be rude, I think she's trying to explain to you how the words that you used were interpreted in the way they were.

[PeacefulChaos]

"If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, you're giving away pieces of your heart to that person that you will never get back. Your *whole* heart should be reserved for your future spouse." :confused:

 

I've heard and read this again and again in conservative Christian circles regarding dating. While I'm not about to encourage young kids to date, I still think the above statement is simply wrong. I don't think it's based on...anything. Yet, it is repeated over and over again and is somehow accepted as truth.

 

Here's my analogy: If I have one child, I love that child with a fierce love. But...what if I have more children? Will there be more love left for them? What if I have 5 or even 10 children? Will I have given all my love or all of my heart to the first one or two, so there won't be any left?

 

Love multiplies. We don't need to worry about love running out.

 

Thank you for listening. I feel better now. :)

 

:001_huh: I have never heard that before in regards to just dating. Weird.

I'm not anti dating, though, either... so maybe I just don't run in the circles of people who say that?

I have heard it in regards to virginity, though. It doesn't really bother me in that sense, because I tend to agree with it when talking about that - as an adult. However, it was always the charts as a teenager... you know, the ones that show how many partners you've had if you've slept with one person who's slept with someone else who's slept with someone else. That whole thought skeeves me out. :ack2:

[mytwomonkeys]

Actually, I usually share from life observations, because other people are so much more interesting than me. I lead a very boring life. I do love looking at human tendencies, weaknesses, foibles, and fads.

 

well, my opinions are shaped from my experience & i'm sure from life's observations too. it's one big melting pot in my head, lol. i love who i've become and part of that is accepting that who i am today was shaped by a messy past. i'm 40 and didn't marry until i was 28. i started dating in middle school so i have a history prior to my husband. my husband has a history prior to me. neither of us care. we both love each other with our whole hearts. anyone or anything that was in our lives prior to our meeting is irrelevant. i do understand the sentiment shared in the first post though & i certainly don't fault people for agreeing with it.

 

i know with my own children i pray they will choose to wait until marriage before having sex or becoming involved in a relationship too young. in my experience, it could save a lot of heartache.