Homeschooling is just sooo hard...(sorry, very long vent)...encouragement needed

[NASDAQ]

I would definitely not agree with "this too shall pass." I went the opposite way. I had a year or so of low-level war on the homefront. But things are much better now and I'm very glad I did it.

 

It can be hard to, essentially, keep fighting about it -- to not just decide to act as if he's right and become quiet and passive. But if you can manage, it's worth it.

 

If you have a pastor, it can help to enlist him or her. If you have other friends who are home schooling and raising small kids, sit them down to ask them some questions. You'd be surprised how many people are getting a cleaning lady in, or never having anyone over.

[SunshineMom]

Kolamum, thank you for your post, it was a beautiful example of how men can get it right:)

[HeidiKC]

My house is a pit. I look forward to reading the responses.

 

:grouphug:

[Papillon Mom]

Haven't read all your replies. I make the following days meal at night after kiddo goes to bed. Breakfast is country potatoes with fried egg or oatmeal. I roast potatoes once or twice a week. Lunch is meal I made night before so is dinner if not enough or refused egg sandwiches are made. This has improved my life.

His expectations wouldn't be acceptable to me. Good luck. I think a compromise is in order. Maybe you could talk with a pastor AND his wife together. Someone that understands your values.

[LBoogie]

The biggest thing that has helped me over the years has been purging stuff to the verge of near minimalism. Toys, clothes, sentimental items, even books. When you don't have as much stuff to wrangle, it is easier to keep what you have clean and relatively orderly. My two weak spots are children's books and art supplies.

 

I know it sounds crazy but I honestly think my kids are happier with less stuff. I know I am.

[Hannah]

As the previous poster said, this is an old thread - and I must say I got quite a lump in my throat from seeing Kalanamak's name in it.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

As the previous poster said, this is an old thread - and I must say I got quite a lump in my throat from seeing Kalanamak's name in it.

Oh, that happened to me the other day. I was so startled to see her name come up, then I realized it was a thread from 2012 :(

[LBoogie]

Fill in?

[happymomofboys]

nm old thread

[LBoogie]

Never mind. Looked through some old threads. (I am a newbie.)

 

:(

[Spryte]

As the previous poster said, this is an old thread - and I must say I got quite a lump in my throat from seeing Kalanamak's name in it.

 

Me, too.  :(

[Murphy101]

Nm.

[Luanne]

You say you don't think his expectations are unreasonable.  I respectfully disagree.  Four children under 8 ... what he wants is almost impossible.

[PachiSusan]

As the previous poster said, this is an old thread - and I must say I got quite a lump in my throat from seeing Kalanamak's name in it.

 

I'm comparatively new so I don't know the name. What happened to Kalanamak? 

[HomeschoolingHearts&Minds]

Just a peek at the long-term.....my mom was much more focused on keeping the house up than spending time with us. She'd come home from a long day at work, and when I ran to hug her, she'd put her hand out to stop me and say something like, "What are these shoes doing here? Get these things put away first!"

 

Those things have stuck with me to this day, as a grown woman in my 30s. I made up my mind long ago that if anything had to fall by the wayside, it was going to be my house and not my relationships with my kids and family. Something WILL have to give if you try to do it all- and if he thinks the kids won't suffer any consequences when the house gets more of your energy than they do, he's kidding himself.

Agreed.  My mom was a stay-at-home and we went to public school.  Our house was immaculate when I was growing up.  I wasn't even allowed to have anything out of place in my own room.

 

She never had time for us and never wanted us to do anything messy.  Keeping house was her full-time job.

[Hannah]

I'm comparatively new so I don't know the name. What happened to Kalanamak? 

 

She was a regular poster who passed away a few weeks ago.  She was known for her wise, kind and inspiring posts and often encouraged others here.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm comparatively new so I don't know the name. What happened to Kalanamak? 

She died recently from cancer.

[PachiSusan]

She died recently from cancer.

 

Oh how very sad! I am sorry for the loss of a friend. :(

[shanvan]

Got sucked into this old thread and so sad to realize that Kalanamak is gone.  I knew she was suffering from cancer, but completely missed that she passed away. 

[texasmama]

I miss Kay. :(

[BlsdMama]

The first thing I would do is make sure that it is actually his expectations and not just your interpretation of them. (I am queen of reading too much into expectations.)

A few things. First, the above, it would be really good to get a clear picture of his definition of clean.

 

My DH *likes* the house clean, really clean. That said, he's reasonable and he knows I have my hands full. He's good if I've been schooling all day and he comes home to a bit of a mess. He's not good if I was on Facebook, the forum, and he comes home to chaos because the kids have run amuck.

 

Second, clean to him might mean specific things such as:

I hate dishes in the sink.

OR

I need to have clean clothes in the drawers not all over.

OR

No disgusting bathrooms. ;)

OR

Counters cleared of papers, books, etc.

 

But his version of clean may be different than yours.

When I walk into my house I like the entry way done and counters cleared.

I can deal with crumbs on the floor, messy bedrooms, and laundry half done, but I don't like "stuff" on horizontal surfaces.

 

Next:

If you clean all day you will be exhausted and you can't school and clean.

 

Next:

Keep your kids next to you.

This is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

If you keep them next to you they can't destroy the rest of the house. This feeds directly into the above of trying to school and clean. Don't do it.

 

Next:

Keeping them next to you allows you to work on obedience, accountability, and teaching them to help.

 

If I could convey ONE thing to new homeschoolers it is this: YOU ARE BUILDING A HOUSE ON A FOUNDATION OF SAND. It isn't going to stand if you don't teach your kids to obey, be accountable, and help out. There's no way you can succeed long term without burning out. Keep 'em close, keep 'em accountable.

 

It would be better if you did NO school and got into a habit of keeping them close and teaching obedience for the first three months than if you did a SPECTACULAR job of a spotless house and perfect schooling because you can't keep up the second without figuring out the first.

 

Your house is a symptom.

Your exhaustion is a symptom.

 

It's a bit like giving the baby Tylenol for a fever. You didn't cure the sickness, you only masked the symptom. When the Tylenol wears off, the baby is still sick. She was never better. It only appeared better.

 

When you had a school day where you accomplished what you wanted to accomplish because you nagged all day long (and are now exhausted) that's a dose of Tylenol.

Managing to somehow clean the house is Tylenol if you did it all yourself and are harried.

 

Now, the above isn't a recipe to a spotless house and perfect schooling. That isn't actually able to be done. I'm just being straight with you. Trying for perfection in ANY household isn't doable and trying with four little kids is a recipe for losing your mind. But I can honestly say our house is able to be picked up quickly most days before Daddy walks in the door, school is reasonably done most days, and Mama doesn't look like she's pulling out her hair... Most days. ;) DH helps out on the weekends, but he doesn't help during the week because he has a more than full time job. Plus, I like being on FB a little during the day and visiting the forums... I don't want a high degree of accountability about my day so I try to keep on top of the house and the kiddos so I don't *need* that degree of accountability.

[Meriwether]

 

.

 

When you had a school day where you accomplished what you wanted to accomplish because you nagged all day long (and are now exhausted) that's a dose of Tylenol.

Managing to somehow clean the house is Tylenol if you did it all yourself and are harried.

 

This is an old thread, but I appreciated your post - especially this.

[DianeW88]

I miss Kay, too.  :( 

 

And this is a zombie thread, people.  LOL

[BlsdMama]

Lol, didn't realize how old this was. After I posted I read more... And promptly sent my husband an email thank you for helping me be accountable without being a jerk and for occasionally telling people that he doesn't know how we pull it off all day, lol.

 

It is one thing to put in effort for you're spouse who supports you, the kids, the lifestyle. But it is downright PLEASANT to put in that effort for someone who appreciates it once in a while.

 

That's it, I've definitely decided! I'm going to keep him! ;) (And for all if you who feel a little hopeless, he is incredibly Type A, very organized, loves cleanliness. None of these things have changed. What didchange was that he now realizes I work as hard as he does and I like Atta Boys too. ;) Words of affirmation, baby, definitely one of my love languages!

[Halcyon]

Got sucked into this old thread and so sad to realize that Kalanamak is gone. I knew she was suffering from cancer, but completely missed that she passed away.

Me too.

[kbutton]

Anyway, this weekend Dh had had enough, and won't be helping inside the house at all anymore. He was super stressed to the breaking point. He'll do the outside and the garage and clean the cars for me, but everything else (cleaning, dishes, laundry, schooling, paying bills) is my responsibility.:scared: Though he has helped a tad bit here and there, and he does help with the kids. He really is a good husband.

 

 

The fact that he lost it and left you to go it alone is very telling IMO--if you are the one that is stressed out, you "should" be the one losing it, not the other way around (though I truly hope you can work this out!).

 

I can't make it through all the comments, but if you have two kids who potentially have issues, maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree (your husband's tree in this case). Sometimes people have underlying issues (clinical or sub-clinical) that they've passed on to their kids. If your husband has such a high need for control, he could have OCD, sensory issues that make him feel crazy around clutter, sensory or attention issues that make him feel out of control when too much is going on... you get the idea. If your husband has his own exceptionalities (or tendencies), it's entirely possible that he has compensated for years only to have added adult responsibilities cause those compensations to finally fall a bit short and expose his own exceptionalities. My son was recently diagnosed with PDD-NOS (basically has Asperger's but compensates fairly well), and he is a full-time job even at 9. Our home has revolved around this undiagnosed kid for years, and I've taken tons of flack over it--people don't really "get it." I was one of those people who excelled on the job, but my kids make me feel ADD most days with their issues. If you look in our family tree on either side, you can certainly see some family traits (one side in particular has major issues)...sensory issues from Grandma, total lack of abstract thought from another Grandma, control issues from so and so. If this sounds like what you are dealing with, I warn you that pointing this out directly to your husband could be tricky (or could be a relief)...either way, he'll need time to warm up to the idea that he has an exceptionality. If he does have a diagnosable problem or issues that warrant compensatory strategies, it's going to take some work and a lot of coming to terms with things for both of you. If you can get some family counseling from someone who will take special needs into account, that might be a good place to start. Hopefully a good therapist will be able to help with the load of parenting special kids and also pick up on your husband's issues (if he does have something diagnosable).

 

Don't give a therapist/psychologist more than two visits if it's not a good fit. Run (don't walk) from anyone that makes you feel bad. You need support first and foremost. Our most recently psychologist has probably saved our family from destruction.

[BrandieRose]

Your post reminds me of some of the struggles I went through when my kids were younger.  I had five children in 6 years, and I was running a college boarding house at the time (think clean house, dinner on time).     My first three children were very energetic, no attention span, boys.  My oldest had struggled with attitudes because his younger siblings got to play while he was expected to work. 

 

First, you are at the hardest time in your homeschooling career.  It gets easier.  There are things I learned that were helpful to me, but first I wanted to say:  You do know that it is humanly impossible to have that many young children, do a good job homeschooling and maintain a spotless house.  Sometimes, if I don't meet someones expectations I can feel guilty.  You have no reason to feel guilt.

 

Here are a few things that helped me survive:  Work with your child's attention span.  I would literally run my boys around outside for quite awhile before bringing them inside for school.  Then I would keep lessons short.  I would set the timer for 15 minutes and when it went off they could get up and run around for 5 minutes, and then we would set the timer for another 15.   So, we did two 15 minute sessions of math and three 15 minute sessions of language arts every day.  Then we would do a read aloud.  Don't stress at this age; they have plenty of time. If they are working hard this does work.  My kids aren't overly smart, but they were working at or above level.  Of course, if they are not really buckling down during the 15 minutes it won't work. 

 

So, the next thing I realized is this, if you don't have discipline and obedience, every curriculum is going to be a failure.  Do you have a consistent discipline philosophy?  Do they respect you when you tell them to do something? 

 

My kids did chores.  A 7 and 5 year old can make their own bed and fold their own clothes, pick up their own toys.  They can wipe a table and sweep after eating.  My kids do morning afternoon and evening chores.  We all work together.  As far as your tidy husband goes, mine finally gave up on me and left me alone, if that's any consolation.  :001_smile:    Of course, I let him know it was important to me, I'm just really busy and exhausted.

 

One other thing that has helped me is understanding my children's personality (and even my husband's).  The Meyer Brigg test has been tremendously helpful in my homeschooling efforts.  I struggled with one particular child and it wore my out emotionally.  The Myer Brigg test helped me to understand him.  If your interested in it, it can be found here: http://www.personalitypage.com/cgi-local/build_pqk.cgi

 

Sorry so long!  It does get a lot easier. 

[Sahamamama]

I wonder if I can keep it up. How is it possible to do this and keep up on the dishes, laundry, and housework and stay sane??

 

I wonder, too. I do the best I can, but I don't keep everything up, all the time, and my three children are older. They help out a lot with chores, even though they are only 6, 6, and 8. I don't think my house, laundry, dishes, and meals were EVER caught up when I had babies or toddlers. Or preschoolers.

 

Anyway, this weekend Dh had had enough.

 

He has, has he? Do you also get to make pronouncements about when you've had enough? I agree with a PP, though, be sure to check out his expectations and not assume you are reading him correctly, especially if this is a sore spot for you. HOWEVER, if his expectations are, in fact, for you to do it all.... well. He needs to choose. He really can't have it all, unless he gets a second wife.

 

I just want to know...do you veteran homeschoolers with four kids really have a handle on it all? Am I just a hs failure, or is this hard for you, too? How do you do it all? Truly, how clean are your houses? Do you cook three good meals a day??

 

Three kids here, not four. This is hard for me, too.

 

I don't do it all. My husband travels for work. When he is home, he helps with meals, grocery shopping, errands, the girls, cleaning, laundry, and more. And does the lawn, the cars, and bills. Yes, I do plenty! I run the ship when he's gone for weeks on end, I homeschool, I cook most of the meals, do most of the cleaning, most of the laundry, and most of the childcare. I DO NOT DO IT ALL. That is so unrealistic.

 

My house is clean enough. ;)

 

What are meals? (only kidding). No, we do try to eat healthy meals, sort of three times a day. What's wrong with a sandwich? A bowl of cereal or fruit? This is life, not a restaurant. HTH.

 

Sorry, not trying to be harsh, but your original post makes me think your husband, as good a husband as he may be, needs to grow up and have a reality check. And have some empathy for your load. Hang in there.

[SorrelZG]

This is life, not a restaurant.

I don't typically decorate but THAT is a plaque I would hang in my kitchen.

[Sahamamama]

Unfortunately, it didn't pass for us...and is causing BIG marital problems NOW. We no longer have little ones....so he keeps pointing out.....BUT, I also work almost full time from home in addition to homeschooling, cleaning etc.

 

I think if I would have been more assertive, and less guilty about him working and supporting us while "I got to stay home and have fun and not have the decency to keep up with the dinner," sigh.......well, yeah...I also had 3 kids under 5 and very rough pregnancies. HOO BOY!!!! What a JOY!!!!!

 

Anyway, I wish I had stood up for myself, because NOW, I am defeated, depressed and TOAST!

 

I think it is important to discuss expectations....real ones vs. I think you mean....

 

I think it is important for men to be realistic in what it takes to homeschool and raise these little hooligans....and women to be realistic in their expectations as well. A guy who works midnight -9 12 days on 2 off....NEEDS to sleep, and needs a support system. Women who are up with a newborn need a support system too.....

 

Women need to take care of themselves.....go for a haircut....buy new undies once in a while.

 

I don't think " this too shall pass" is true, at least not in my circumstances. Taking the bull by the horns and shaking the cr@p out of it might work better.

 

Faithe

 

I can't think of any post that I've so fully agreed with, ever, in all my years on these boards, more than this one.

 

Faithe, I can barely even type this, there is so much truth to your post. And so much pain and heartache.

 

First, let me be clear: I married the other kind of man -- the one who truly understands how hard I work, appreciates it, helps to carry the load, lifts off the guilt for not "doing it all" (rather than heaping it on), and is such a support to me -- practically, emotionally, and spiritually -- that I am one of the most blessed of women.

 

My sister married a "can't you do better?" kind of husband, and regularly comes unglued because of the weight of the load. His perpetual "What's the matter with you? Can't you ________________ (fill in the blank)?" comments have torn her down for years. She explodes all over the people who most try to help. We haven't spoken to each other in almost two years. For me, she is truly too toxic.

 

If I was married to someone who complained about everything I did, and didn't lift a finger to help, I might be a mess, too. But in the beginning, when they were first starting out, people who loved my sister counseled her to be more assertive, to speak out against the bullying and unrealistic expectations, to have a healthier sense of her self and her worth. She wouldn't do it. To this day, I don't understand why. Instead, she worked harder to do more, to do better, to be "worthy" of his elusive praise. This, to me, is tragic.

 

For those just starting out -- or in over their heads -- in this kind of relationship, I encourage you to take Faithe's advice to take the bull by the horns and shake the $#!% out of it. Print out two weekly grids (Hers & His) with the hours of the day (in 15 minute increments). Plot out how long it takes to do ALL that you do, including "Mommy" jobs, like nurturing children, kissing booboos, nursing babies, snuggling toddlers, praying for them, and tucking in at night. If your kids are older, write down how long it takes to do ALL that you do, including chauffeuring teenagers, listening to their goals and dreams, adjudicating their disputes, praying for them, and giving heart-to-heart counsel. All these things take TIME.

 

• Show him, on paper, how long it takes to meal plan, grocery shop, cook, set a table, clear a table, wash up, and set the kitchen back in order.
• Show him, on paper, how long it takes to manage everyone's wardrobe, shop for clothes and shoes, launder, iron, mend, and put away the clothes, towels, sheets, and so on.
• Show him, on paper, how long it takes to change sheets, clean bedrooms, and organize belongings.
• Show him, on paper, how long it takes to clean the house to his specifications.
• Show him, on paper, how long it takes to pay the bills, manage the mail, respond to phone calls, organize files, or whatever else you do with the home office and finances.
• Show him, on paper, how long it takes to drive wherever it is you go -- to the store, to church, to lessons, to sports, to work.
• Show him, on paper, how long it takes you to research and plan curriculum, order and organize, teach, correct, reteach, discuss, keep records for, and educate his children.

Can you realistically fit it all on your weekly grid, or does your grid fill up "too soon?" Where is time for renewal? For prayer? For rest? For emergencies or unplanned messes? For organizing your inner self? For simply being a person, a woman, a wife, a mother who is able to enjoy her children?

 

Now fill out his grid. Who has more wiggle room?

 

Faithe is right. This kind of bullying doesn't seem to stop just because the marriage drags on for decades. If anything, it gets worse as the children enter their teen years, because the husband's expectations for perfection in his wife seem to rise, rather than automatically align with reality. Some people will never automatically align.

 

There needs to be a catalyst for transformation. What will it be? How long will the woman accept the pressure to "do it all, and do it better?" My sister has lost nearly all her relationships because she would not throw off the bondage to trying to be the perfect, submissive, overachieving wife and mother. She allows the pressure to build until she dumps it on some poor target.

 

A mother needs to have margins, or she will burn out. If there is no reserve of strength, no calm central core, when there is a crisis, she has no way to manage it well.

[Sahamamama]

And I don't care if it is an old thread. Someone might come across it someday and be helped by the counsel here.

[garddwr]

And I don't care if it is an old thread. Someone might come across it someday and be helped by the counsel here.

 

Sometimes old threads are worth resurrecting. Re-reading this one has been a good reminder to me not to expect the impossible from myself.

[Pen]

nm

[lmrich]

I wonder how her dh is doing? So sad. It does remind us to keep it in perspective. Live a wonderful life! Be happy! Enjoy every moment, even if there are toys on the floor and dust bunnies lurking. God bless you, Kay, and rest in peace. You inspired many and continue to even now.

[FO4UR]

Recognizing this is an old thread...I agree the council deserves resurrecting.

 

 

Has anyone mentioned - asked - what does the OP want?  Does she want to be a homeschool mom?  Does she want to be a housekeeper?

 

We've spent a lot of words describing how she can meet her hubby's expectations.  I think this is the wrong direction to take the thread.  What is HER calling in life?

 

 

I know I've been through some similar times (haven't we all...), and I decided that HSing is my job, my career, my calling.  Housekeeping is the responsibility of every able-bodied person who lives in the house. Picking up after yourself is not a favor to momma.  It's your responsibility.  Cleaning your assigned area of the house is not a favor to momma.  It's your responsibility.  If you can't find any clean shirts to wear, it's not momma's fault.  You failed in your responsibility.  We (mothers) do our children (and husbands) a great disservice by enabling them to live life at the cost of other people's time and energy.  No one wants a friend who continually takes, never gives.  Family is where we learn these things.

 

 

I will NOT sacrifice certain things in life, especially not just b/c someone else has expectations of me that I do not hold of myself.  If I give up HSing, I will find a career outside the home.  I will NEVER sacrifice my entire being to the altar of a clean house.  Sorry.  This house will mean nothing to anyone after I'm gone.  I've got one life to live, and I want to leave a heritage to my children.