A Friend left me Speechless Yesterday (long)

[Slipper]

I love helping out at our school's book fair (my dd10 still attends there for the rest of this year). The work is not difficult. An extra benefit this year is that since my youngest would be with me, she's allowed to pull books off the shelf, read them and put them back. (Librarian approved). I knew it would be a bit difficult this year since I broke a rib and hurt my hand a few weeks ago, but I asked a 'new' friend to sign up for some extra days so she could work with me. We did the set up yesterday and I'm scheduled to work Mon-Wed from 8:15 - 12:15.

 

I'm in an area where homeschooling is rather novel (we're in a rural area) and everyone's impression of homeschool is a nearby church that hosts a school (and is considered a homeschool, church school). For parents to actually take on that role (minus the organized homeschool, church school) is considered a bit extreme. I try to gauge the intent behind the comments before replying. Most are curious, some are 'ignorantly' curious and some are oddly hostile.

 

Yesterday, after setting up for the book fair, my friend, Debra, was slowly making her way to her car with lots of comments about not knowing what to do with herself since it was several hours to carpool. I mentioned that I was about to take DD7 to lunch and she commented about how hungry she was, as well. She seemed to be hinting for an invite and I like her, so she went to lunch with us.

 

We were chatting about the book fair and DD7's interest in magic (which had prompted Debra's daughter to take an interest in magic tricks) when I went to the buffet line to pick up dessert for DD. I was truly gone maybe 90 seconds. But when I came back, Debra was telling DD that at some point it would be time to learn how to get along with other kids. (Seriously?) We had pulled DD out of school during Christmas break after apparent school stress (daily vomiting, diarrhea, soiled clothing, headaches, lethargy, stomach aches, lots of medicine, medical procedures, etc) for the past 12 months. Interestingly enough, her school work was top of the class, but something was 'off' about school with her. Since coming home, all of her symptoms have resolved and she is off her medications completely.

 

I figured Debra's comment fell into the 'ignorantly curious' category. So I mentioned that at some point we weren't opposed to public school, but it would be a decision made by all of us. Then I smiled at DD and said that we were enjoying our homeschool and she was doing really well so I didn't think it would be anytime soon. Debra continued talking about how DD would need to get along with others and asked her if she wanted to go to college someday. DD said she did and Debra told her that she would need to get along with other kids to do college. I interrupted and told Debra that college was a long time from now (DD is in first grade) and reminded her that we pulled DD out due to anxiety issues that has taken a bit to resolve. She just couldn't let it go. She wanted to know if DD planned to get a job one day, etc. This was all done in the sweetest and nicest voice possible, but she's a smart lady - I don't understand why she didn't take the hints and change of subjects that I was giving her. I thought it was inappropriate to continue on.

 

She did mention that her son, in 3rd grade, went through some 'nervousness' and begged her to pull him out and homeschool but she refused. She said she didn't feel smart enough to do what trained teachers are taught to do. She also suggested that we look into the homeschool church since there are 'trained teachers' there as well.

 

I plan to send her a note on facebook asking that we not discuss this in front of dd again. Though dd smiled and appeared happy, when we got home, she went straight in the bathroom and was sick. Then she took a 4 hour nap. I wish I knew if my friend was ignorant or being hostile. I have very few friends here and I don't want to lose her, but my daughter comes first.

 

I don't think I handled yesterday well. Any suggestions on how to handle it better in the future? With my daughter present, confrontations would upset her. And I hate discussing with other people her anxiety right in front of her (although we talk to her about it privately). Thoughts?

 

ETA - I wanted to add that my intent was to send her a private message on facebook since I rarely see her without dd present. I have no intention of making this a public facebook thing. :) She and I are scheduled to work together Mon-Wed next week and I wanted to let her know privately that the discussion wasn't appropriate for dd to hear before we're all together again.

Edited March 23, 2012 by Slipper

[laundrycrisis]

This is not someone I would keep as a friend. It was incredibly disrespectful of her not to back off. Someone like this will never treat you with respect...it will always be the sugarcoated opposite.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Oh Good Lord, do not FB something of that nature. Please.

 

That's an in person, 1 on 1 private conversation, and you can handle it like a lady of wisdom after you've slept on it a bit.

 

I hope your daughter is feeling better.

[Slipper]

Oh Good Lord, do not FB something of that nature. Please.

 

That's an in person, 1 on 1 private conversation, and you can handle it like a lady of wisdom after you've slept on it a bit.

 

I hope your daughter is feeling better.

 

Just to make sure my intent was clear, I wanted to send her a private message on facebook (not post on her wall or anything) and ask her to please not discuss dd's homeschooling with her or in front of her as it seemed to make her anxious enough to become ill afterwards. My husband works long hours and chances are VERY high that I won't see her without dd. (And she and I are working - with dd present - at the book fair next week, which would give her opportunity to talk with dd. I felt it best to resolve this prior to next week.)

[Moxie]

Saying to someone who homeschools, "I'm not smart enough to do that" is a passive aggressive way to say, "YOU aren't smart enough to do that", IMO.

 

Do not FB anything to this woman! Limit your contact and you'll feel much better.

[pdalley]

That is not a friend.

 

I would probably email her or speak with her face to face - privately and let her know that the topic is NOT up for discussion - especially not in front of your dd.

 

I'd be hard pressed not to let her know she had made my child sick because she obviously didn't learn to get along with other people when SHE went to public school as evidenced by her insensitivity and nosiness.

 

Do not put it on Facebook. I think that would be a HUGE mistake.

[LaxMom]

"I am not comfortable/interested in/open to debating the criteria and merits of our parenting decisions with people who do not live in my house. Please, pass the bean dip..."

 

We have friends whose 7 year old has significant medical issues. The adults' policy is that it is information the belongs to their daughter and not theirs to discuss. If she feels comfortable discussing it, it is hers to share. They do not bring it up at all (we only know because I was venting to my friend about someone telling me I was overreacting after saying this person may not come to our co-op after exposing her children to chicken pox because she can't know the health status of the rest of the members, and my friend thanked me for being the "overreactive" one).

 

And, for what it's worth, I can't tell you how often I get comments from adults about how much they like my children. Because they're nice to other people, go out of their way to help others, encourage their peers, stand up for kids being bullied, etc. In other words, despite never setting foot in a classroom, they "get along" with others, even in a group, and often more functionally than their public schooled peers, probably because they see the uncivil behavior and attitudes as aberrant. (Not a slam against the behavior of public schooled kids. I just think there is a certain amount of "pecking order" behavior that is normalized in such settings, but isn't in "the real world" we are accused of not preparing our children to navigate.)

[Butter]

She did mention that her son, in 3rd grade, went through some 'nervousness' and begged her to pull him out and homeschool but she refused. She said she didn't feel smart enough to do what trained teachers are taught to do. She also suggested that we look into the homeschool church since there are 'trained teachers' there as well.

 

This makes me think that perhaps she is feeling guilty that she didn't feel she could (or want to) homeschool and maybe she's feeling a little apprehension that you are doing for your daughter what she couldn't (or didn't want to) for her son. And then she just might be projected her insecurities about her own intelligence onto you given the thing about the trained teachers at the church. I've noticed that some people at my church are downright hostile to me when it comes to education choice. They bring it up about how they just "can't" homeschool for whatever reason. It's like my choice to homeschool has any bearing whatsoever on their choice not to. I honestly don't care how their kids get educated. But I think it's their own insecurity that makes them say things that are rather ridiculous.

 

I'm sorry she upset your daughter so much. I'd talk to her in person about refraining from that sort of thing. Too often the written word can be taken way wrong. I'm especially appalled that she waited until you were away from the table to bring up stuff with your first grade daughter. Totally inappropriate.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Just to make sure my intent was clear, I wanted to send her a private message on facebook (not post on her wall or anything) and ask her to please not discuss dd's homeschooling with her or in front of her as it seemed to make her anxious enough to become ill afterwards. My husband works long hours and chances are VERY high that I won't see her without dd. (And she and I are working - with dd present - at the book fair next week, which would give her opportunity to talk with dd. I felt it best to resolve this prior to next week.)

 

I'd just give it some time, and when you see her in person, if it comes up again, simply touch her on the arm and smile like a tiger, and let her know clearly that the topic is off limits firmly.

 

You don't have to go out of your way to be friends with this woman, whether or not she understands the insult and inappropriateness of the conversation says realms about her.

 

Whether or not you feel the need to get it off your shoulders and square things up with her verbally is something only you can decide.

 

Will you have more peace if you speak?

 

Or just silently walk with a inner "thanks for the warning" and move on?

[Slipper]

Thanks for the replies so far. It has occurred to me that this friendship might be passive-aggressive at best. It has also occurred to me that this friendship might not last which saddens me a bit as I have few friends here.

 

I wanted to reiterate that I did edit my original post to indicate that I would be sending a private message to my friend. I am not fond of facebook wars and am quite non-confrontational unless pressed. I have no intention of making this a public spectacle on facebook.

[swellmomma]

Saying to someone who homeschools, "I'm not smart enough to do that" is a passive aggressive way to say, "YOU aren't smart enough to do that", IMO.

 

Do not FB anything to this woman! Limit your contact and you'll feel much better.

 

 

Sometimes it is, and in this case it sure sounds like it. BUt I do know someone that said that to me and they were 100% sincere. They had struggled through school before dropping out in 10th grade. They really weren't smart enough. That however does not sound like it is the case here though.

 

THis person was hostile not ignorant. The first comment you can chalk up to ignorance, but for her to continue with the comments AFTER you were changing subjects etc was hostile.

 

Do not fb message her. Either phone her or meet her face to face. Lay it on the line point blank. We will not be discussing homeschooling again, period , or the friendship ends. With someone who is hostile and sugar coating it and trying to go through your dd. WHo cares more about her own opinions than the fact she is making a little child ill, or that you were changing the subject I would end the friendship immediately but since you want to keep it clear boundaries need to be drawn.

 

It is never fun confronting someone, but in this case is necessary and needs to be done face to face, or if you think you will panic that way, than over the phone, but no FB.

 

She needs to see you have a backbone and stand up for your family's decision or she will never back down.

[Slipper]

I'd just give it some time, and when you see her in person, if it comes up again, simply touch her on the arm and smile like a tiger, and let her know clearly that the topic is off limits firmly.

 

You don't have to go out of your way to be friends with this woman, whether or not she understands the insult and inappropriateness of the conversation says realms about her.

 

Whether or not you feel the need to get it off your shoulders and square things up with her verbally is something only you can decide.

 

Will you have more peace if you speak?

 

Or just silently walk with a inner "thanks for the warning" and move on?

 

Her daughter is friends with two of our daughters and we belong to several activities together. I will have more peace if I speak because I have a 'sense' that if I don't, it will encourage more discussions. I have a feeling that perhaps she's trying to help 'correct' dd's anxiety in a passive-aggressive way.

 

It might be possible to quickly let her know that the comments were not good for my daughter and I would appreciate her keeping them to herself, during a quiet moment at the book fair.

 

My personal belief is that dd might need medication for anxiety at some point, but I think she's too young, especially considering that homeschool solves the problem. My father's family has a great deal of anxiety (and a history of several suicides). I plan to address this anxiety with whatever is needed, as it is needed.

[SailorMom]

You're going to get a lot of this..... Hang in there :grouphug:

 

Regardless of intent, you have every right to shut someone down immediately - without the need to hint or be polite (much). Take control of the conversation immediately, and tell whomever it is that you will be more than happy to discuss it with them later, but that "then" is not the right time.

 

Your kids need to feel that they can do this as well. What used to really get me was when people (friends, family, and complete strangers) would expect me to allow my kids to be treated as trained monkeys who needed to perform for them to prove that they were being educated.

 

The first two years are really tough in this respect - because deep down, you're probably worried that all the naysayers are right :grouphug: That's normal - but the sooner you gain self-confidence in your abilities, the more able you will be to deal with this sort of thing.

 

The "I'm not smart enough" stuff kills me.... Really??? Not smart enough to teach 1st grade??? :lol::lol: College level calculus - sure, maybe. But first grade!?!?!?

[Bang!Zoom!]

You know the thing I'd be thinking about?

 

Say you bring it up to her, explain it all to the nth degree, right? You feel better, her face is red...she feels misunderstood and insulted and sets off to make right the matter.

 

Now she's following you everywhere, this tiff being the only object of discussion and it gets brought up over and over again, never-ending...she may be capable of that, seriously. Think about it.

 

You can cut the ties silently without saying anything, and walk away knowing she's a dolt while controlling your response as well.

 

I wouldn't go chasing a friendship with someone like that. No point.

 

She's shown her face, bleh. You have better things to do with your time.

 

Just move through the sense of "what could have been" - it's hard for women and their children (you mentioned you have slight interest ties) - your recognize you share an area and activities together...sure it woulda been cool to be friends.

 

Just accept she's not a good fit for your family at large and move on. I don't think it's your responsibility to reconcile this sort of thing either. I think as women we are oftentimes compelled to try, I understand.

[ereks mom]

Sometimes it is, and in this case it sure sounds like it. BUt I do know someone that said that to me and they were 100% sincere. They had struggled through school before dropping out in 10th grade. They really weren't smart enough. That however does not sound like it is the case here though.

 

THis person was hostile not ignorant. The first comment you can chalk up to ignorance, but for her to continue with the comments AFTER you were changing subjects etc was hostile.

 

Do not fb message her. Either phone her or meet her face to face. Lay it on the line point blank. We will not be discussing homeschooling again, period , or the friendship ends. With someone who is hostile and sugar coating it and trying to go through your dd. WHo cares more about her own opinions than the fact she is making a little child ill, or that you were changing the subject I would end the friendship immediately but since you want to keep it clear boundaries need to be drawn.

 

It is never fun confronting someone, but in this case is necessary and needs to be done face to face, or if you think you will panic that way, than over the phone, but no FB.

 

She needs to see you have a backbone and stand up for your family's decision or she will never back down.

 

:iagree:

[elegantlion]

Oh, the irony that this conversation took place in public around, you know, people. :001_huh:

 

I will say I've seen ignorance of homeschooling at all levels. I have a family member who teaches online college classes, she wondered how my son would ever have the chance to attend college. Seriously.

 

I would tell this person that you've made your educational choice and are fine with it. It is not a topic for debate or discussion, especially around your dc. If she has any questions about homeschooling, because obviously she is ill-informed, you'd be happy to fill her in on some details. Otherwise, how's this spring weather, isn't it great?

 

The hardest thing to do sometimes is stand your ground and then be quiet. But this is not someone I would confide in. The more we talk or try to help a person understand sometimes the easier it is for them to back up in a corner, and then it can get ugly. State your case, don't let her alone with your dc, and then talk about something else.

[Kathleen in LV]

Not being present to hear the exact conversation, it's hard to determine her intent, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially friends. It sounds like her comments were ignorant, but not intentionally hurtful. If you really like this friend, I wouldn't end the friendship over it.

 

Unlike some of the PP, I wouldn't have a problem sending a private FB message, especially under the circumstances you described. From the way you write your posts, it seems like you would have no problem writing a kind, tactful message to her to explain the situation. I would let her know that you're happy to discuss homeschooling with her anytime, just not in your daughter's presence, and let her know you're looking forward to seeing her again next week. And when you do see her again, be kind & gracious as if there is not an issue. Of course, if there continues to be an issue, you can reassess and handle it differently.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

At the very least you know not to leave her alone with your daughter for one second. I'm furious for you and your little girl.

 

:grouphug: How is dd today?

[J-rap]

I'm usually the kind of person who thinks of the perfect response...after it is over! So, I'd definitely be in your shoes. I would not waste my time with her again, unless she just happens to be there as part of a group thing. She obviously doesn't get it at all, can't be trusted with your daughter, and only would bring you stress.

 

I think I'd send her a note -- not fb, and just tell her that what she did and talked about with your child was completely inappropriate. It is a decision your family has made and feel is best for your child. It is not her place to try and convince your daughter otherwise. I'd recommend telling her this in person, too, but given her personality, it might very well just escalate, and at least I am not very good with situations like that.

 

Then, I'd never let my daughter be alone with her again, or even play at her house. If your daughters still enjoy her daughter, they can be together at your home or at other activities. (But if their mother begins to rub off on her daughter, then that friendship would need more boundaries, too.)

 

But, I actually AM getting better at standing up for things on the spot. This is MUCH easier to say in hind site, of course, but I think if it happened again you have every right to interrupt the conversation with "Please stop. I'll explain later." Or, if there is a safe place where you can send your daughter for a few minutes, I'd turn to your daughter and say "Honey, can you please go to....for a few minutes?" Then I'd turn back to your friend and simply say it is not her place to talk to your child about an important decision that your family has already made, and request her to stop. Then, change the subject, and signal for your daughter to come back.

 

I've actually done that. It shocked everyone at the table (there were several other people at the table, who I barely knew), and very awkward for me. But, my children were sitting right there at the table. I just kind of blurted out "I would appreciate it if you did not discuss that right now, here, and I'll explain why later if you need to know." Talk about a quiet mood for a few minutes after that!

[Trish]

I wouldn't work too hard to keep her as a friend. If you say anything, do it in person without dd, or on the phone. Not by email or Facebook or anything like that.

[kitten18]

This is not someone I would keep as a friend. It was incredibly disrespectful of her not to back off. Someone like this will never treat you with respect...it will always be the sugarcoated opposite.

 

:iagree: From your description, it sounds extremely hostile. :grouphug:

[Element]

Though dd smiled and appeared happy, when we got home, she went straight in the bathroom and was sick. Then she took a 4 hour nap.

 

First of all, my ds8 is the same way and would have had exactly the same reactions to this situation (politely and actively listening to the adult, internalizing the remarks, followed by stress manifesting itself physically later during alone time.) I would be very upset. Your "friend" did not bring this matter up in front of you, she waited until she was alone with dd? Unacceptable.

 

If you do want to talk to her about the situation, ask yourself whether you want a written record of what you discuss. Talking with her in person or on the phone has its merits, as does discussing it via email/FB msg/ letter. For personal matters I often prefer to NOT have a written record of such discussions (ex: If my neighbor texts me with a gripe about my dc or something else, I won't text back. I'll go knock on her door and talk to her in person.) However, when the discussion is with someone I will not be continuing a personal relationship with, I prefer to have a written record of what I said to him/her (ex: I will not speak to certain people because what I say will inevitably be twisted or taken out of context. These people get written messages only.)

 

Whatever you decide to do will be fine, I just wanted you to think about it from a "written record" perspective. Emails/ FB msgs are easily forwarded and not nearly as private as you may think.

[Sophia]

Wow. I think you really tried to redirect your friend quite well, and her refusal to take the hint was out of line. Especially, given your dd's anxiety issues, I think I would have gone on the offensive and made the conversation about her.

 

"My dd has no problem getting along with other people, but are you still struggling with that? Is that why you're so concerned?

I'm very confident teaching first grade~did you have a hard time in school? Yea, I can see why you wouldn't want to homeschool.

I'm sorry your ds had a tough time, I'm so glad we could take action when our dd needed us. We will always be there for her."

 

Would I respond like this to curious questions? No way.

But she really sounds like she thinks she's doing you a favor by questioning you and she needs to know discussing your dd is off limits.

 

I'm sorry your dd had to hear her nonsense.

[Slipper]

At the very least you know not to leave her alone with your daughter for one second. I'm furious for you and your little girl.

 

:grouphug: How is dd today?

 

Thank you for asking, she is doing fine today. I told her we would just do art and reading today which makes for a fun Friday. :)

 

The part of all of this that upsets me is that it was done towards her. Even in a smiling face and tone, the repeated wording that we need to get along with others makes me uncomfortable. She actually got along quite well with all her classmates and she was conversing comfortably with Debra until that point.

[runmiarun]

I am glad to know your daughter is doing better today. As I read your post, my stomach clinched at what she was going through. We face similar issues with our oldest and he would react similar to your daughter, I suspect.

 

I hope you are doing better today, mentally. I know this was a drain yesterday.

 

I would caution you with regards to sending her a PM on Facebook. While you have no intention of making it public, she might and escalate this private issue into a public matter (speaking from experience).

 

Hugs to you and your daughter.

[MomatHWTK]

She had a child in a similar situation and made him continue going to school? She's trying her best to validate her decision by talking out loud.

 

I would take the talking directly to dd to mean that she thinks she knows how to handle the issue because of her ds and thinks that you can't. I really don't like it when someone thinks they need to be my child's therapist. Yuck!

Edited March 23, 2012 by MomatHWTK

[laundrycrisis]

Thank you for asking, she is doing fine today. I told her we would just do art and reading today which makes for a fun Friday. :)

 

The part of all of this that upsets me is that it was done towards her. Even in a smiling face and tone, the repeated wording that we need to get along with others makes me uncomfortable. She actually got along quite well with all her classmates and she was conversing comfortably with Debra until that point.

 

It should make you uncomfortable. It was a completely inappropriate, underhanded (waiting until you stepped away) hostile attack on your DD. There is no benefit of the doubt to give this woman ! First, she wangled an invitation to join you for lunch because she had an agenda. She wrongly assumed that your DD has a problem getting along with others, and took it upon herself to give your DD a lecture with a very critical tone, which was completely not her place to do. She ignored your cues to back off, and made underhanded comments regarding your choice of how to homeschool and your ability to do so. Do not be fooled by the smiling face and tone ! This woman is an aggressive and manipulative person with her own agenda and little respect for others.

 

I would minimize contact with her. When there is contact, I would set very firm boundaries by abruptly and forcefully changing the subject whenever homeschooling is brought up, and never ever let her be alone with any of your children. I would not have a conversation or send communication about her behavior yesterday, because this type of person will likely find a way to twist it and use it against you in a gossipy way. Just avoid her and set very firm boundaries when you are around her.

[pdalley]

Thank you for asking, she is doing fine today. I told her we would just do art and reading today which makes for a fun Friday. :)

 

The part of all of this that upsets me is that it was done towards her. Even in a smiling face and tone, the repeated wording that we need to get along with others makes me uncomfortable. She actually got along quite well with all her classmates and she was conversing comfortably with Debra until that point.

 

I was going to say from what you describe your daughter is great with people. She didn't shut down, she didn't yell or act rudely towards an adult who was horribly rude to her.

 

I think you are doing a great job. My middle suffers from crippling anxiety and if merely homeschooling works I'd stay with that for now. His eventually required meds but I'm all about doing everything else first.

 

:grouphug:

 

I used to be like your daughter - hold it together and then get sick after I got home so I'd be scorched earth on this 'friend' because it's a hot button for me. I think you're doing well.

[Heatherwith4]

I know you've already received a lot of responses, but I just want to agree with others that she does not sound like a friend to me. I would be livid if someone spoke to my dc that way, as soon as I left them alone. Sorry you and your dd had to deal with such rudeness.

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug: I think you did a great job trying to redirect the conversation. Some things that popped into my head were:

 

I wouldn't be afraid to tell her she was inappropriate and the topic is off limits in front of your daughter. Your daughter most likely was uncomfortable with the conversation but since she isn't the adult, wasn't going to tell the lady to shut her trap. If you tell the lady the topic is off limits, it might help your daughter know that, the lady was inappropriate and validate her feelings. It will also let your daughter know that you have her back.

 

I would consider telling her something, however, keep in mind that if she is passive aggressive, there will be other conversations about different things that she will also do that with. Once you get in too deep, it is much harder to extricate yourself out of the friendship. Or maybe the emotional cost is higher?

 

She may influence her daughter's feelings in regards to yours and the daughter could start pressuring and making comments. Your daughters can see hers in the structured settings, but I wouldn't have play dates or encourage anything further.

 

Glad your daughter is better today. An adult bullying a kid is just mean. What is worse is she pasted a smile on her face and acted all friendly.

[Mommy22alyns]

*sigh*

 

I agree, she is not a friend. What is she thinking, badgering a 7 year old in that manner?!?!

 

And why do people seem to think that homeschooling entails keeping your kids in the basement and never letting them out? :glare:

[Leav97]

 

She did mention that her son, in 3rd grade, went through some 'nervousness' and begged her to pull him out and homeschool but she refused. She said she didn't feel smart enough to do what trained teachers are taught to do. She also suggested that we look into the homeschool church since there are 'trained teachers' there as well.

 

 

I'm glad to hear your DD is doing better today. I think talking to her (or facebook) and explaining that this homeschooling and anxiety is off limits sounds like a good plan. I'm betting she think her son worked through his nervousness therefore, your DD's anxiety can be solved in the exact same way. My guess is she would also be the type to compare being sad with depression or having a high energy child with ADHD.

 

The trained teachers comment is annoying. A great big smile and a "I love teaching DD 2nd grade. She's doing so wonderful at home." is probably the best reply. But, I'm the type that wouldn't think of the reply until after the conversation was over.

[Remudamom]

Well. What everyone else said and this. Tell her it's obvious that she is the one that needs to learn how to get along with others.

 

Blow her out of the water. No quarter.

[stansclan89]

Wow. I think you really tried to redirect your friend quite well, and her refusal to take the hint was out of line. Especially, given your dd's anxiety issues, I think I would have gone on the offensive and made the conversation about her.

 

"My dd has no problem getting along with other people, but are you still struggling with that? Is that why you're so concerned?

I'm very confident teaching first grade~did you have a hard time in school? Yea, I can see why you wouldn't want to homeschool.

I'm sorry your ds had a tough time, I'm so glad we could take action when our dd needed us. We will always be there for her."

 

Would I respond like this to curious questions? No way.

But she really sounds like she thinks she's doing you a favor by questioning you and she needs to know discussing your dd is off limits.

 

I'm sorry your dd had to hear her nonsense.

 

:iagree:

 

I think sending her a message like the one above in quotes would be good and to also add that if she has any more concerns about your daughter that she is to address you about them while dd is not around.

[treestarfae]

I teach my kids not to worry about what people say and think.

[PeacefulChaos]

If you feel it would be best to say something regarding it, go for it. :)

If you think she could potentially bring it up again, then I would say she definitely needs to know that topic of conversation is off limits.

Unlike many, I see no difference between a facebook message or an email. They are both private. Whatever way suits you best, whether it be a written message or a call, whatever.

[ApronMama]

 

Unlike some of the PP, I wouldn't have a problem sending a private FB message, especially under the circumstances you described. From the way you write your posts, it seems like you would have no problem writing a kind, tactful message to her to explain the situation. I would let her know that you're happy to discuss homeschooling with her anytime, just not in your daughter's presence, and let her know you're looking forward to seeing her again next week. And when you do see her again, be kind & gracious as if there is not an issue. Of course, if there continues to be an issue, you can reassess and handle it differently.

 

:iagree:

[redsquirrel]

I am so sorry. That was so out of line of her. I don't have an opinion about discussing it writing or in person, but I do think you need to address it.

 

I wouldn't make it about homeschooling. I think I would address it more in terms of you and your husband have made a decision about how to raise your child and it is not her place to debate that or bring up her concerns with your child. It is simply none of her business. And she should know that!

 

For example, my family is not Christian. That would be like a friend actively trying to persuade my child to attend a Christian church, saying things like don't you want to go to heaven? Well, you can't if you never go to our church. That may be how you feel, but you have no place as an adult saying something like that to a child.

 

I would be very, very tempted to cool that friendship right down to almost nothing.

 

I am so sorry. And I am so sorry your daughter was so upset that she got sick.

 

Sometimes, I just can't figure people out. Why would someone do that?

[NanceXToo]

So sorry you guys had to go through that!

 

Taking into consideration everything you said, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and one more chance.

 

You said you like her (aside from this issue that's come up), and that you don't have many friends and would prefer not to lose this one if possible.

 

She did something inappropriate and she didn't take a hint well, but I think at this stage if it is your preference, it is okay to give her the benefit of the doubt, give her another chance, and nicely and tactfully lay your feelings on this matter on the line to her. And I DO think it's perfectly okay to do so in a private email to her via Facebook since you won't be seeing her again in person without your daughter there.

 

Just something sort of casual sounding and to the point, something like, "Hi, I don't want this to cause any awkwardness between us but I do need to ask a favor of you that I wanted to mention before DD and I see you again next week. I need to ask that from now on you not bring up the subject of DD's homeschooling or anxiety issues etc to her or in front of her. I know that when we went to lunch last week your intentions were good when you discussed these things with her, but it really raised her anxiety levels to the point where she ended up feeling sick and tense for hours after we got home, and at her age, my parenting and educational decisions are just not the sort of thing I want to have critiqued or debated in front of her. I know you couldn't have realized the effect it would have and I know, again, that you had the best of intentions and didn't mean anything by it, but I just wanted to give you a heads up so that it doesn't become an issue again. I consider you a good friend and love to spend time with you and chat with you about just about anything else but just wanted to ask that we leave these particular matters off the table, especially around dd. Thanks so much for understanding and I'm looking forward to seeing you at the book sale next week".... or something like that.

 

If she gives you a snippy response, or she disrespects you, and/or disrespects your request or your child and does something like this again AFTER you've spelled it out in no uncertain terms, then you KNOW she's no real friend and that she wasn't worth having as a friend anyway.

 

Good luck, I hope that you find she was worth the effort and that it works out how you are hoping!

[black_midori]

So sorry you guys had to go through that!

 

Taking into consideration everything you said, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and one more chance.

 

You said you like her (aside from this issue that's come up), and that you don't have many friends and would prefer not to lose this one if possible.

 

She did something inappropriate and she didn't take a hint well, but I think at this stage if it is your preference, it is okay to give her the benefit of the doubt, give her another chance, and nicely and tactfully lay your feelings on this matter on the line to her. And I DO think it's perfectly okay to do so in a private email to her via Facebook since you won't be seeing her again in person without your daughter there.

 

Just something sort of casual sounding and to the point, something like, "Hi, I don't want this to cause any awkwardness between us but I do need to ask a favor of you that I wanted to mention before DD and I see you again next week. I need to ask that from now on you not bring up the subject of DD's homeschooling or anxiety issues etc to her or in front of her. I know that when we went to lunch last week your intentions were good when you discussed these things with her, but it really raised her anxiety levels to the point where she ended up feeling sick and tense for hours after we got home, and at her age, my parenting and educational decisions are just not the sort of thing I want to have critiqued or debated in front of her. I know you couldn't have realized the effect it would have and I know, again, that you had the best of intentions and didn't mean anything by it, but I just wanted to give you a heads up so that it doesn't become an issue again. I consider you a good friend and love to spend time with you and chat with you about just about anything else but just wanted to ask that we leave these particular matters off the table, especially around dd. Thanks so much for understanding and I'm looking forward to seeing you at the book sale next week".... or something like that.

 

If she gives you a snippy response, or she disrespects you, and/or disrespects your request or your child and does something like this again AFTER you've spelled it out in no uncertain terms, then you KNOW she's no real friend and that she wasn't worth having as a friend anyway.

 

Good luck, I hope that you find she was worth the effort and that it works out how you are hoping!

 

 

:iagree::iagree: The above is beautifully stated, and what I was picturing in my mind - although I would personally probably say it so nicely in person in the few minutes I had while dd went running off to get a new book.

 

My alternative possibility was that you cut her off firmly at the pass if she bring it up again - "excuse me, but our decision is not open to debate. Please choose another topic."

 

In some ways, I would almost want to speak out in front of my child - to show them that I am fully committed to our HS adventure & that I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I'm borderline about that, though, since she is so young... but somehow for it, as well, because she is so sensitive.

[Leav97]

I teach my kids not to worry about what people say and think.

 

That is sometimes easier said then done when working with a child with anxiety issues.

[KnitWit]

I wouldn't word it as "do me a favor...". IF I wanted to continue on, I would be very clear and say "I wanted to let you know that from here on out, THAT topic is NOT up for discussion with you *ever*. Since we are friends, I'm sure you don't want to cross that line."

 

However.

 

I have been there too many times. I have finally accepted the fact that people who feel the right to undermine ME as a mom and ambush me and my kids like that ARE NOT FRIENDS. Period. End of story.

 

I am sorry you don't feel that you have many friends...but this is not a substitute. :grouphug::grouphug:

[mommy5]

This is not someone I would keep as a friend. It was incredibly disrespectful of her not to back off. Someone like this will never treat you with respect...it will always be the sugarcoated opposite.

 

:iagree: This person seems very "smart" and very manipulative. I wouldn't want her around my daughter!

[kalanamak]

She did mention that her son, in 3rd grade, went through some 'nervousness' and begged her to pull him out and homeschool but she refused. She said she didn't feel smart enough to do what trained teachers are taught to do. She also suggested that we look into the homeschool church since there are 'trained teachers' there as well.

 

She was trying to scrub *her* laundry in *your* tub.

 

In your shoes, the next time I see her I'd pull her aside and tell her that you'd appreciate adult topics kept for adults, smile, and change the subject. If she tried it again, I'd veer every time I saw her.

[momto2Cs]

So sorry you guys had to go through that!

 

Taking into consideration everything you said, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and one more chance.

 

You said you like her (aside from this issue that's come up), and that you don't have many friends and would prefer not to lose this one if possible.

 

She did something inappropriate and she didn't take a hint well, but I think at this stage if it is your preference, it is okay to give her the benefit of the doubt, give her another chance, and nicely and tactfully lay your feelings on this matter on the line to her. And I DO think it's perfectly okay to do so in a private email to her via Facebook since you won't be seeing her again in person without your daughter there.

 

Just something sort of casual sounding and to the point, something like, "Hi, I don't want this to cause any awkwardness between us but I do need to ask a favor of you that I wanted to mention before DD and I see you again next week. I need to ask that from now on you not bring up the subject of DD's homeschooling or anxiety issues etc to her or in front of her. I know that when we went to lunch last week your intentions were good when you discussed these things with her, but it really raised her anxiety levels to the point where she ended up feeling sick and tense for hours after we got home, and at her age, my parenting and educational decisions are just not the sort of thing I want to have critiqued or debated in front of her. I know you couldn't have realized the effect it would have and I know, again, that you had the best of intentions and didn't mean anything by it, but I just wanted to give you a heads up so that it doesn't become an issue again. I consider you a good friend and love to spend time with you and chat with you about just about anything else but just wanted to ask that we leave these particular matters off the table, especially around dd. Thanks so much for understanding and I'm looking forward to seeing you at the book sale next week".... or something like that.

 

If she gives you a snippy response, or she disrespects you, and/or disrespects your request or your child and does something like this again AFTER you've spelled it out in no uncertain terms, then you KNOW she's no real friend and that she wasn't worth having as a friend anyway.

 

Good luck, I hope that you find she was worth the effort and that it works out how you are hoping!

 

Beautifully said!

[treestarfae]

That is sometimes easier said then done when working with a child with anxiety issues.

 

Yes and a parent should put in the work to communicate and help their children.

[cin]

So sorry you guys had to go through that!

 

Taking into consideration everything you said, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and one more chance.

 

You said you like her (aside from this issue that's come up), and that you don't have many friends and would prefer not to lose this one if possible.

 

She did something inappropriate and she didn't take a hint well, but I think at this stage if it is your preference, it is okay to give her the benefit of the doubt, give her another chance, and nicely and tactfully lay your feelings on this matter on the line to her. And I DO think it's perfectly okay to do so in a private email to her via Facebook since you won't be seeing her again in person without your daughter there.

 

Just something sort of casual sounding and to the point, something like, "Hi, I don't want this to cause any awkwardness between us but I do need to ask a favor of you that I wanted to mention before DD and I see you again next week. I need to ask that from now on you not bring up the subject of DD's homeschooling or anxiety issues etc to her or in front of her. I know that when we went to lunch last week your intentions were good when you discussed these things with her, but it really raised her anxiety levels to the point where she ended up feeling sick and tense for hours after we got home, and at her age, my parenting and educational decisions are just not the sort of thing I want to have critiqued or debated in front of her. I know you couldn't have realized the effect it would have and I know, again, that you had the best of intentions and didn't mean anything by it, but I just wanted to give you a heads up so that it doesn't become an issue again. I consider you a good friend and love to spend time with you and chat with you about just about anything else but just wanted to ask that we leave these particular matters off the table, especially around dd. Thanks so much for understanding and I'm looking forward to seeing you at the book sale next week".... or something like that.

 

If she gives you a snippy response, or she disrespects you, and/or disrespects your request or your child and does something like this again AFTER you've spelled it out in no uncertain terms, then you KNOW she's no real friend and that she wasn't worth having as a friend anyway.

 

Good luck, I hope that you find she was worth the effort and that it works out how you are hoping!

 

Wow. You have a way with words. I was thinking that the lady (and I use that term loosely!) needs to know the physical harm she caused that poor child. But I wouldn't be able to handle it with this much grace. Maybe if she realizes what she did, she will back down. If not, say it again, just not as nicely.

[Slipper]

Yes and a parent should put in the work to communicate and help their children.

 

I might be misunderstanding your tone, but please remember that my daughter has been very sick and had surgery less than three weeks prior to us withdrawing her from school. We were mid-way through January before the vomiting stopped. By February the stomach-aches were slowing down and we were able to stop some of her medication. The diarrhea only stopped two weeks ago and we discontinued the last of her medicine.

 

I have put a huge amount of work into my daughter already. We have worked slowly, taken many breaks, given lots of reassurance and settled her down.

 

My daughter LIKES "Ms Debra" and would have been distressed immediately if any confrontation had taken place during lunch. (And would have still had the symptoms afterward). She would have felt like she was to blame. She and I have already spoken about what happened and I told her that some people don't understand homeschooling and just smile politely when things like that happen.

 

At this point, I am only now trying to take her to a new level of independence. All of the past few months have been spent on lots of comfort and reassurance. My 10 yoDD could learn how to politely disengage from the conversation. My littlest one is not there yet.

[Slipper]

So sorry you guys had to go through that!

 

Taking into consideration everything you said, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and one more chance.

 

You said you like her (aside from this issue that's come up), and that you don't have many friends and would prefer not to lose this one if possible.

 

She did something inappropriate and she didn't take a hint well, but I think at this stage if it is your preference, it is okay to give her the benefit of the doubt, give her another chance, and nicely and tactfully lay your feelings on this matter on the line to her. And I DO think it's perfectly okay to do so in a private email to her via Facebook since you won't be seeing her again in person without your daughter there.

 

Just something sort of casual sounding and to the point, something like, "Hi, I don't want this to cause any awkwardness between us but I do need to ask a favor of you that I wanted to mention before DD and I see you again next week. I need to ask that from now on you not bring up the subject of DD's homeschooling or anxiety issues etc to her or in front of her. I know that when we went to lunch last week your intentions were good when you discussed these things with her, but it really raised her anxiety levels to the point where she ended up feeling sick and tense for hours after we got home, and at her age, my parenting and educational decisions are just not the sort of thing I want to have critiqued or debated in front of her. I know you couldn't have realized the effect it would have and I know, again, that you had the best of intentions and didn't mean anything by it, but I just wanted to give you a heads up so that it doesn't become an issue again. I consider you a good friend and love to spend time with you and chat with you about just about anything else but just wanted to ask that we leave these particular matters off the table, especially around dd. Thanks so much for understanding and I'm looking forward to seeing you at the book sale next week".... or something like that.

 

If she gives you a snippy response, or she disrespects you, and/or disrespects your request or your child and does something like this again AFTER you've spelled it out in no uncertain terms, then you KNOW she's no real friend and that she wasn't worth having as a friend anyway.

 

Good luck, I hope that you find she was worth the effort and that it works out how you are hoping!

 

Thank you. That was beautifully worded and I will probably use much of that wording. I will probably put a bit of distance between my friendship with her simply out of necessity. In my opinion, and she is well aware of my daughter's medical issues and it just seems like a funny thing to discuss with her and in front of her. I don't mind answering questions about homeschooling and I have heard some weird thing lately, but most people limit their questions to my daughter to be things like, "Do you like being at home now?" or "I bet you and your Mama are having lots of fun together during the day", etc. They don't ask her to add, read or do anything else of that nature.

[tex-mex]

I agree with those who said she is not a friend. It's one thing for her to express her opinions to you, but another to lecture your daughter.

 

I would just stop talking to her and that would be the end of that.

:iagree::iagree::iagree: