Am I being irresponsible??

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Looking for honest advice.

 

I hate to post so much personal info, but I am needing some perspective. I may delete later.

 

We live in Switzerland (I am American, husband is Swiss) and have 3 kids. Homeschooling is legal in our "state". We have a nice life, I am happy here, but we have zero family. We see my family about three times a year- incredibly open, supportive, wonderful people. They live in California. We will never be able to afford a house here, so we'll always be apartment dwellers.

 

My husband and I started looking for an opportunity to move to California. A year ago, he got his green card, and we've been plugging away at job hunting since then.

 

He has an opportunity now to go interview for a job that previously he said would be fine, but he now is saying is risky because of the salary.

 

If we were to move, we would go from doing pretty much whatever we want, when we want to being on a strict budget. But we would be much closer to family (aka free babysitters and lots of affection for the kids) and we'd be able to own a house with a yard and a garden (my dream).

 

We would take a pay cut of literally 75%. We would make more in Switzerland on welfare if he were to lose his current job than he would make in CA working full time.

 

US higher education is incredibly expensive. Swiss higher education is practically free.

 

When he told me he wanted to reconsider the move, after a year of me allowing myself to "hope" to be close to my family again, I just broke down. I love it here, but I had not realized how much I miss my family, my culture, my country.

 

12 hours later, I feel more at peace with things, but still can't even really think about it without crying.

 

I'm trying to figure out if this was all totally unreasonable of me. Is being close to family worth such a drastic financial change? Is being able to have our own house worth losing a lot of economic freedom that we currently have?

 

Is it better for the kids to be closer to the only family they have, to live in their own space, and to have a culture that at least has heard of homeschooling, or is it better to have free university and universal health care?

 

I am just so upset about all this, and that this all got dumped 3 days before he's supposed to fly out for an interview.

 

Thoughts?

[Ester Maria]

Honest advice.

 

Don't do it. Don't trade Switzerland for the US. In fact, don't trade Switzerland for almost ANY country in the world.

 

There are downsides and benefits to every place. IMNSHO, the benefits (social & economic security, education opportunities, etc.) highly outweight the downsides in this case.

 

It would be a complete, 100% non-issue for me in the circumstances you described. Yeah, it's nice to have your own house and yard and a bit more sun and be closer to family. I get that. I also totally get feeling homesick, romanticizing your country and culture from abroad, etc. But it's much, much better to put things in a long term perspective. Ubi bene, ibi patria. If you can live equally well in both places, you go with emotion, preferred weather or any other such concern that's not really "rational", but aesthetic. If you cannot live equally well in both places and if you are giving up significant opportunities and security to fall back to by moving someplace else, go with reason, not emotion.

[sarah.]

The rational side of things is one thing.

 

But I totally understand "longing for home", "dashed hopes when home seems in my grasp" and "don't want to be funny forign type any more"

 

 

I think you have to sperate the "more sensible thing to do" apsect from the "but oh my heart".

 

Their solutions are very different and mixing them can make a marriage quite a resentful place.

 

Does he understand the sense of loss regardless of what make more sense on paper ?

 

To what extend is the sensible option a useful and timely way of avioding a change to him being the funny foreign type for a change, and is there resentment on your part due to that?

 

Would you like a genuine big fat hug?

:grouphug:

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Hug. Yes. Absoluterly. Thanks Sarah. :-)

[Laura in CA]

I just want to empathize. Being an ex-pat can be such a hard road, with SO many factors to consider ...

 

Just a few notes: we were paying SFr 700/mo. for our Swiss health insurance (for a family of four); when we returned to CA it was $25/mo. (has since increased). I LOVE having a house with a yard and, yes, garden. And the best thing is how close my kids are to their grandparents, uncles, and cousins. Priceless.

There are more opportunities (for women, especially) and flexibility here. College will be fine -- there are tons of options.

 

I do miss, very much so, our Swiss lifestyle, friends, the culture and history, the 6 weeks of vacation, the incredible natural beauty, our hikes and skiing, easy travel to the rest of Europe, doctors making house calls, etc. A big difference from your situation is that my husband is American, not Swiss, although I also regret that my kids aren't growing up bilingual.

 

BEST wishes in your decision-making.

 

~Laura (formerly in Switzerland)

 

P.S. for non-Swiss readers about Swiss healthcare -- yes it's universal, but it ain't cheap. And don't get me started on how the (one) specialist in our city of 250,000 was incompetent and condescending when my son had a very serious disease. My mother called a specialist at UCSF who called me in Switzerland to offer his advice. ... also priceless. Still not over that whole incident. :glare: We also know people who were not told they had terminal cancer and two years to live by their Swiss doctor. Very old-fashioned system. That said, we did love living there ... and it was a wrenching decision to give up our green cards ... but it is not perfect.

Edited March 20, 2012 by Laura in CA

[Maplinmum]

I know how you are feeling, I spent 16 yrs in my husband's country before we moved back to Australia. For us the deciding factor was which country did we want to be retiree's in. As the older your children get the more ties they will develop eg work, partners etc, which would potentially split the family if you then moved. It is a tough what ever you decide.

[Deb in NZ]

Cross-cultural marriages are sometimes hard :grouphug: Dh & I live in his hometown. We looked at moving to the States many years ago, but agreed that NZ was the best place for us economically. At times it has been hard for me. I do really miss living in my culture some days. The funny thing is that when I have visited my family in the States, I find myself missing things about life in NZ :lol: My dc will never truely be American kids, but they are proud of their American heritage & have a connection for the area where I grew up.

 

Here we don't have to worry about medical costs & tertiary education is a lot cheaper that college in the US. My non-academic ds has many more opportunities for gaining qualifications here in NZ. All of my dc have had many more opportunities to excell in their chosen sports than we could have afforded back home in the States. My head accepts all these things, but my heart sometimes wishes that my dc had some of the memories that I have of growing up in the States. They will remember attending the dawn ANZAC parade every year, while I fondly remember Memorial Parades. They see fireworks & think of Guy Fawkes Day, while I remember the 4th of July. Christmas to them means going to the beach on Boxing Day, while I dream of crisp, snowy weather. They share a history with dh that I will always to some extent be an outsider, but I am happy for them. They are so lucky to be able to belong to two great cultures. I have made a definite effort over the years to make parts of my culture part of our family culture. We celebrate Thanksgiving. We make dozens of Christmas cookies every year, as well as a fruit cake for my kiwi dh. We color eggs for Easter. Every Halloween my dc each carve a big orange capsicum (bell pepper) into a jack-o-lantern to have as part of their dinner :D We've been blessed to be able to visit my family every 5 years or so, staying 4-7 months each visit. This allowed my dc time to form deep relationships with my family & have a taste of what life is like for American kids. They will never go to a prom, a homecoming football game, a highschool graduation, etc.; but the life that they have been provided with is just as meaningful.

 

In your situation I would not consider asking dh to take a 75% cut in pay for the chance to live near my family. The current economic situation is such that I'd be real concerned that if the job did not work out we may not be able to afford to move back overseas. For many men being able to provide for their families is very important. In most cultures owning your own home isn't as important as good medical care, good educational opportunities, a good work/life balance, etc.

 

JMHO,

Edited March 20, 2012 by Deb in NZ

[Melissa in Australia]

cross-cultural marriage here as well.

DH use to get very homesick and long to live in Canada, he started taking a month long holiday in Canada each year, and he tells me that he now realises the Canada of his memories no longer exists.

[nono]

I'd wait for a more "even" opportunity to consider a permanent change. Sounds like you could use a few weeks back in CA, though. :grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

Oh such difficult things that weigh on your heart. I have no advice but I wish you the best of whatever decision you make. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Cammie]

I think we have many of the same discussions in our house as you have in yours! We are also a cross-cultural marriage. We moved to India 6 years ago to allow the children to experience India in their formative years. DH and I probably have a discussion about when/if to move back to the US at least a few times a week!

 

For us, the issue is not family. Even in the US we were on opposite coasts from my family. Here we have a VOIP phone so I talk to my family as much as I want. My mother usually visits for two months at Christmas every other year. In the off year we usually manage a trip to the US in the summer.

 

Here higher education would be cheaper...but not as good. Here we have help at home. Here I can work from home. But also we are not saving the way we want/need to for retirement.

 

I don't think there are any easy answers. It is about making the choice that feels right for all of you. I know that if we move back to the US - that is it. I can't imagine moving to India again in the future. However, I am in no rush to move to the US - I love our friends, our life, our home, etc.

 

Good luck!

[TheAutumnOak]

Honest advice.

 

Don't do it. Don't trade Switzerland for the US. In fact, don't trade Switzerland for almost ANY country in the world.

 

There are downsides and benefits to every place. IMNSHO, the benefits (social & economic security, education opportunities, etc.) highly outweight the downsides in this case.

 

It would be a complete, 100% non-issue for me in the circumstances you described. Yeah, it's nice to have your own house and yard and a bit more sun and be closer to family. I get that. I also totally get feeling homesick, romanticizing your country and culture from abroad, etc. But it's much, much better to put things in a long term perspective. Ubi bene, ibi patria. If you can live equally well in both places, you go with emotion, preferred weather or any other such concern that's not really "rational", but aesthetic. If you cannot live equally well in both places and if you are giving up significant opportunities and security to fall back to by moving someplace else, go with reason, not emotion.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:This is how I feel exactly...

[kroe1]

Our family is scattered around the U.S., Europe, and Mauritius. I feel your pain. About 15 years ago, I convinced DH to move to a place which was culturally best for me, but not him. The kids and I blossomed with wonderful friends, but he sank into a deep depression. I finally moved to his favorite place, and the first two years were AWFUL. I missed home so much, I cried every day. But I finally realized I had to recreate the friendships I left behind or die. It was a ton of effort on my part, and a lot of disappointment, but now I've been here 5 years. I wouldn't move back home for a million dollars. I love it here.

 

I'm relaying this testimony to let you know that moving back to the U.S. may be a bad thing for your DH. You are not being irresponsible, or even selfish, but the benefits of moving might not be worth it if your DH is not happy.

 

Let us know what you decide. (And the moral of the story is that we should really think twice about those cute foreigners with the to-die-for accents.) :001_huh:

[CalicoKat]

Can you find a way to have both?

 

Perhaps spending 3 months of the year in CA and the school year in Switzerland.

 

I spent a year in Lausanne as a kid and I'll never forget that country. What a wonderful place. Personally I think you'll live longer, happier, and healthier in Swiss than the US.

[SunD]

I'm not sure which is "better".

 

I honestly think it depends on the person/couple/family and your priorities.

 

Some people budget half their income for tiny apartments/houses so their kids can go to a prestigious private school and get the perfect after-school lessons and go on ski trips. Some people still live so far out in the boonies that the nearest grocery store is hours away, but their kids have the open air, freedom, and approximately 5,000 pets. If you switched the families, they might each think the other was crazy to live that way. But they just have different priorities.

 

You would not be the first family to accept a huge pay cut in exchange for something intangible. Don't we say that the best things in life are free?

 

I'm not saying do it, go, don't worry. This is a big thing to discuss with your husband. I know there must be huge worry behind even contemplating it, and I agree with your husband's position that a 75% pay cut is scary to jump into. Also consider that if you move to California, he would suddenly be the outsider, yes? All your needs should be considered ... yours, his, and the kids' needs for companionship, income, space, belonging, etc. It's not just straight $$$, but that is sure a consideration. I can't tell you where your priorities (as a family) stack up.

 

:grouphug:

[kwickimom]

I do not have a cross cultural marriage.

 

IMHO, family is ten times more important than money. You cant get the years you are not with them back.

 

It would be a no brainer for me if I had the opportunity to move near family I would go and take the pay cut. Strict budgets are doable, millions of people are living on them. People are more important than money.

[KirstenH]

Can you find a way to have both?

 

Perhaps spending 3 months of the year in CA and the school year in Switzerland.

 

I spent a year in Lausanne as a kid and I'll never forget that country. What a wonderful place. Personally I think you'll live longer, happier, and healthier in Swiss than the US.

 

This. Completely. (Except for the spending time in Europe part; I've never been there.)

[DawnM]

But OP is near HIS family. So it isn't as easy as both of them living away from family.

 

Dawn

 

I do not have a cross cultural marriage.

 

IMHO, family is ten times more important than money. You cant get the years you are not with them back.

 

It would be a no brainer for me if I had the opportunity to move near family I would go and take the pay cut. Strict budgets are doable, millions of people are living on them. People are more important than money.

[Lady Florida.]

75% is an awful lot. It would be more than just a matter of cutting back on a few things, but a drastic lifestyle change for all of you. Does your dh have family in Switzerland, or are your kids without extended family on either side by living there? Can you and the kids (if dh can't get time off) spend a few months each year in the states?

 

I lean towards don't do it, at least not for now, but I've always lived near my and dh's family. I know it would be hard not to be near any of my family even though I love his family.

 

I'm sorry you have such a difficult decision to make. :grouphug:

[DawnM]

I don't know what to tell you. Even though I grew up overseas, I feel most at home on the West Coast of the US if I have to live in the US. Dh doesn't like the West Coast for some of the same reasons yours doesn't. The cost of living is too high, we would live in a shoebox, crowds, traffic, etc....

 

So, we moved to NC 7 years ago. I thought it was for 2 years. :glare: My family is West Coast now after my parents retired from overseas. His is mid-west.

 

I miss the West Coast terribly some days. I would move back in a heartbeat. Dh has no desire to move back and now the kids feel NC is home to them.

 

I realize this is a MUCH smaller scale than your dilemma, but I have lived for many years with my immediate family in another country and CA may as well be a different country as it is 3,000 miles away from us and we haven't been back :001_huh:

 

:grouphug:

[kwickimom]

But OP is near HIS family. So it isn't as easy as both of them living away from family.

 

Dawn

 

No shes says while she has a great life they have zero family.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Honest advice.

 

Don't do it. Don't trade Switzerland for the US. In fact, don't trade Switzerland for almost ANY country in the world.

 

There are downsides and benefits to every place. IMNSHO, the benefits (social & economic security, education opportunities, etc.) highly outweight the downsides in this case.

 

It would be a complete, 100% non-issue for me in the circumstances you described. Yeah, it's nice to have your own house and yard and a bit more sun and be closer to family. I get that. I also totally get feeling homesick, romanticizing your country and culture from abroad, etc. But it's much, much better to put things in a long term perspective. Ubi bene, ibi patria. If you can live equally well in both places, you go with emotion, preferred weather or any other such concern that's not really "rational", but aesthetic. If you cannot live equally well in both places and if you are giving up significant opportunities and security to fall back to by moving someplace else, go with reason, not emotion.

 

:iagree: I think we do tend to romanticize our "home". I understand wanting to be closer to family, but you all might become a little resentful that your lifestyle is so restricted by finances.

[JudoMom]

But OP is near HIS family. So it isn't as easy as both of them living away from family.

 

Dawn

 

I don't know if they do have family in Switzerland--OP mentions moving closer to the only family they have.

[Tapasnaturalles]

My personal rule in every doubt I have: follow my heart, not my thoughts.

The only times I made wrong choices, were the ones I didn't listen to my instinct/feeling/heart. I learned it the hard way... my heart says me what is right or wrong. My thoughts are just thoughts. Being happy is much more important than living in luxury...

[mumto2]

Let me just say I understand where you are coming from. In many ways I am in the same situation. I was going to do a long post about how much I understand, I do. But I also know that when I weigh everything I have to stay in the UK.

 

As someone who is just ending a 2 month US visit, remember that much of what you really love in the US you probably have in Switzerland too. No sun and family but basics. Plus the health care is free. I am really amazed how the high cost of care dominates life in the US. Plus the politics are unavoidable. I am really glad that I won't have to live through the election. Unless I want too watch from far away. The signs and constant commercials. It doesn't stop!

 

People still look at you oddly for home ed in the US. At least in the UK people don't share what they think about it. That's a break I get for being American.:001_smile:

 

Just make sure when you make your decision you look at all the facts. You may be surprised-- I was!

[chiguirre]

When he told me he wanted to reconsider the move, after a year of me allowing myself to "hope" to be close to my family again, I just broke down. I love it here, but I had not realized how much I miss my family, my culture, my country.

 

 

I know you miss home now, but how much would he miss home if you move? On top of all the financial worries?

 

We live very well in Houston and dh's worklife is almost completely based in Latin America, but he still gets homesick. Heck, sometimes even I miss Venezuela and I worry that dd is missing out on so many of the positive aspects of living there. We feel this way even though Venezuela is a total mess, I can't imagine how it would be if dh's home country was Switzerland!

[Trish]

With the financial problems California is having, no, I would not do it. I wouldn't be surprised to see social unrest there as the financial situation worsens.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I used to live on the other side of the US. Sure, I missed family but I loved my life there. We couldn't ever hope to buy a house in that market however. Then I had kids. And my yearning for family got so strong that dh took a job and we moved back across the country. At first we saw family. They were a few hours away. But then dh lost that job. We ended up moving farther away for another job. The visits became less. My mom moved this past year and now I will be lucky to see her 3 times this year. When we lived cross country I saw her 3 times a year..... in hindsight I should have stayed where we were happy and accepted it as where we were in life. At this point I won't ever live near family and at times I am sad about it, but it's just how it is and it's ok. It took awhile to get there but it's ok.

 

I would stay where you are and maybe visit more often if you really miss family. I hope to let my kids go to grandma's one summer for a week. As they get older I realize the relationship is important but whether they see grandparents weekly or only a few times a year, that relationship is growing and important. But less visits doesn't make it less important IYKWIM.

[Melinda in VT]

A 75% pay cut sounds scary. You say it's doable on a strict budget. Is your strict budget realistic? I'm concerned that with the move to a different country and the change from apartment living to home ownership you may have left out some important budget items or underestimated true costs. (I don't mean this to sound patronizing. We recently moved from housing provided by a job to our own home, and even though we've been home owners before, we misjudged some costs.)

 

Have you ever dealt with financial strain before? Or strict budgets? Although I agree that family is more important than money, I handle financial strain very, very poorly. I would not compromise the mental health of my nuclear family in order to be close to extended family.

 

I live across the country from family, sort of by accident. I do wish we lived closer, but that's not feasible for us right now. I would be thrilled if we saw family three times a year.

 

:grouphug:

[LaxMom]

Honest advice.

 

Don't do it. Don't trade Switzerland for the US. In fact, don't trade Switzerland for almost ANY country in the world.

 

There are downsides and benefits to every place. IMNSHO, the benefits (social & economic security, education opportunities, etc.) highly outweight the downsides in this case.

 

It would be a complete, 100% non-issue for me in the circumstances you described. Yeah, it's nice to have your own house and yard and a bit more sun and be closer to family. I get that. I also totally get feeling homesick, romanticizing your country and culture from abroad, etc. But it's much, much better to put things in a long term perspective. Ubi bene, ibi patria. If you can live equally well in both places, you go with emotion, preferred weather or any other such concern that's not really "rational", but aesthetic. If you cannot live equally well in both places and if you are giving up significant opportunities and security to fall back to by moving someplace else, go with reason, not emotion.

 

I agree with this.

 

You're not being irresponsible. You're feeling genuine emotions and are trying to feel your way through them. I would look for the middle ground, though, rather than give up some pretty significant benefits for a big question mark with warm fuzzies attached.

[rhreinke]

Those are some difficult decisions. I didn't read all the responses, I just wanted to comment on your situation.

 

To start with my family just moved back to the states a year ago from New Zealand. We are Americans but moved over seas for a change of life two years prior. We are now residents over there and would not give that up for anything. With all that you mentioned I would stay right where you are. My reasons for saying that is this...

 

You don't know what you are missing with the socialized medicine until you need it. My son injured his head in NZ and was so thankful for the medical system. I am an RN and also worked at the hospital there so I did get a pretty good picture of how things work first hand. The states system is just not that great, well unless you have a great health insurance. And even then you are just a number here. But over seas, not so.

 

 

I do understand about the homeschooling! It's not a very common thing to homeschool in NZ and you are allowed but you first have to fill out or rather write a report on what you're going to do. Then wait for approval. But even then I was able to find some families that did. The school system overseas is much better than the states public system. And college is cheaper overseas.

 

And good old family. That in it's self harbors issues. Especially if you live too close to them. I do like having baby sitters but overseas we found a fellow American family that was in the same boat as us, ie small children and needing a break. So we just took turns watching each others kids so we could have a date night every couple of weeks or so. It really worked great and it was nice to visit with fellow expats.

 

I hope that helps some. There are many issues to take into account when moving such a long distance. We had to come back for very specific reasons, but I still miss NZ and with half our belongings there I do hope to returns soon.

 

Good Luck, sorry I didn't mean to make it so long

[dangermom]

I'm very sympathetic, but I have to tell you that I don't think it's a good idea. A 75% pay cut is an awful lot, and CA is not that cheap, even compared to Switzerland. I'm a California girl, and I can't see how you're going to afford a house unless you're going to live in Delano or Weed or something. We've had some severe financial problems in the past few years and it has been very hard.j

 

I love California and don't want to leave, but the state has been mismanaged for years and we're in a state of constant budget crisis. I wouldn't advise anyone to move here if they've got it pretty good where they are.

[FO4UR]

I don't think you are being irresponsible. I think you are sad more than anything.

 

 

 

I've never lived abroad, but I have lived 18+ hours away from any family so I can empathize a tiny bit. Life is very VERY stressful when money/healthcare/education is a big issue. It's hard on a marriage! It's hard on a family!!! (I'd live across the world if it meant financial stability.;))

 

 

Owning a home is good, but if you are downsizing your income 75%, will you have enough $ to really upkeep and make that house a home? (Will you be stuck with a fixer-upper that never gets fixed up?) The economy in the US is not happy... Will you run into a spot where you are forced to give up homeschooling in order to work and pay the mortgage?

 

 

Just from reading your post, *I* would stay put. (...and plan nice long vacations to California every couple of years...)

 

:grouphug:

[Amy in NH]

Honest advice.

 

Don't do it.

 

:iagree:

[alpidarkomama]

Instead of taking a drastic cut in salary, why not go on a stricter budget than you're on and fly to the US more frequently, and get (pay for) your family to come out more often? My parents are 3,000 miles away, but we're no less close because of it. Finances are tight, so we only see them once a year, but we talk on the phone 4-5x/week and do the best we can. We've adopted new grandparents where we live now and that's been WONDERFUL, for them and for us. That too can be a very special, meaningful bond.

 

So... I wouldn't move!

[Cera]

Honest advice.

 

Don't do it. Don't trade Switzerland for the US. In fact, don't trade Switzerland for almost ANY country in the world.

 

There are downsides and benefits to every place. IMNSHO, the benefits (social & economic security, education opportunities, etc.) highly outweight the downsides in this case.

 

It would be a complete, 100% non-issue for me in the circumstances you described. Yeah, it's nice to have your own house and yard and a bit more sun and be closer to family. I get that. I also totally get feeling homesick, romanticizing your country and culture from abroad, etc. But it's much, much better to put things in a long term perspective. Ubi bene, ibi patria. If you can live equally well in both places, you go with emotion, preferred weather or any other such concern that's not really "rational", but aesthetic. If you cannot live equally well in both places and if you are giving up significant opportunities and security to fall back to by moving someplace else, go with reason, not emotion.

 

:iagree: 100%

[Guest submarines]

Honest advice.

 

Don't do it. Don't trade Switzerland for the US. In fact, don't trade Switzerland for almost ANY country in the world.

 

There are downsides and benefits to every place. IMNSHO, the benefits (social & economic security, education opportunities, etc.) highly outweight the downsides in this case.

 

It would be a complete, 100% non-issue for me in the circumstances you described. Yeah, it's nice to have your own house and yard and a bit more sun and be closer to family. I get that. I also totally get feeling homesick, romanticizing your country and culture from abroad, etc. But it's much, much better to put things in a long term perspective. Ubi bene, ibi patria. If you can live equally well in both places, you go with emotion, preferred weather or any other such concern that's not really "rational", but aesthetic. If you cannot live equally well in both places and if you are giving up significant opportunities and security to fall back to by moving someplace else, go with reason, not emotion.

 

:iagree: Also, there's no such thing as "free babysitting." :tongue_smilie: No matter how much your family (obviously) loves your children, the dynamics will be completely different when you live nearby, as opposed to infrequent (or even frequent) visits.

[I.Dup.]

I agree with the others, don't do it. You would most likely end up miserable. I totally get the dilemma of wanting to be near family.

 

Could you use some of the "extra" money you have now, to plan for more frequent trips to the US?

[Trish]

Also, what good is free babysitting if you can't afford to go out?

 

Re: the family, I agree with the person who said visit more, have the family visit you. How about regular skype sessions for additional contact?

 

I'm in Florida and both our families are up north. We fly up annually for a 10-day visit. We get annual visits from parents, plus I get a different sibling in for a visit each year, at least. I do miss home and family. But my husband has a great job here and it simply isn't worth the tradeoff.

 

And gosh, how I love Switzerland! Plus, there's no danger of Switzerland falling into the ocean due to earthquakes and/or volcanic eruptions.... :D

[Shellers]

Honest advice.

 

Don't do it. Don't trade Switzerland for the US. In fact, don't trade Switzerland for almost ANY country in the world.

 

There are downsides and benefits to every place. IMNSHO, the benefits (social & economic security, education opportunities, etc.) highly outweight the downsides in this case.

 

It would be a complete, 100% non-issue for me in the circumstances you described. Yeah, it's nice to have your own house and yard and a bit more sun and be closer to family. I get that. I also totally get feeling homesick, romanticizing your country and culture from abroad, etc. But it's much, much better to put things in a long term perspective. Ubi bene, ibi patria. If you can live equally well in both places, you go with emotion, preferred weather or any other such concern that's not really "rational", but aesthetic. If you cannot live equally well in both places and if you are giving up significant opportunities and security to fall back to by moving someplace else, go with reason, not emotion.

 

:iagree:

[TheAutumnOak]

Also, what good is free babysitting if you can't afford to go out?

 

 

:iagree:

[Trish]

I do not have a cross cultural marriage.

 

IMHO, family is ten times more important than money. You cant get the years you are not with them back.

 

It would be a no brainer for me if I had the opportunity to move near family I would go and take the pay cut. Strict budgets are doable, millions of people are living on them. People are more important than money.

 

I do think people are more important than money, I'm very family-oriented, and I often lament the way job mobility has undercut the close family ties of only a generation or two ago. But, living on an extremely tight budget brings stresses all their own on a family. I'd love to live near my family, but my kids love their lives here in Florida. The first few years were hard for me, but I think at this stage of life, it's the needs of the family (taken as a unit) that are paramount. The desire for extended family is certainly legitimate, and "everything being equal" or even "close to equal, or at least reasonable" they'd win out.

 

It just sounds like in this case they'd have to give up too much.

[J-rap]

I'm wondering -- as long as everything is so good where you are, including financially -- are you able to take a long period, such as 2-3 months, every year to be home? If the money is so much better in Switzerland, you would perhaps be able to afford to travel home regularly with your kids.

 

If you lived in the U.S. and had a big cut in salary, perhaps you would not be able to afford to go back to Switzerland for visits? Does your husband have family there?

 

My two married children are in marriages like this. One of them has chosen, for now, to live here. The other lives in Central America with her husband. So far we are able to see each other about four times/year (for long periods). Once they have children, it will be harder! Hopefully we will be able to afford to visit them often!

[Mrs Mungo]

Every time I hear John Denver's Country Roads, it makes me cry. It's the lines "the radio reminds me of my home far away, and drivin' down the road I get the feeling that I should have been home yesterday, yesterday." I have lived away for 18 years and it still hurts to be away from my family sometimes. But, this is the life we chose. :grouphug:

[TranquilMind]

Melinda in VT: A 75% pay cut sounds scary. You say it's doable on a strict budget. Is your strict budget realistic? I'm concerned that with the move to a different country and the change from apartment living to home ownership you may have left out some important budget items or underestimated true costs.

 

Oh, this, this, this. I'm far too practical to overlook this. 75% pay cut while living in the states? One single hospitalization could send you in bankruptcy and many severe financial repercussions.

 

I value family as much as anyone - and as a disclaimer, I should mention I have almost no family left, as they are all deceased now and I did care for my Mom during her life - but my practical, rational side would not be able to overlook a 75% pay cut while moving to an economically depressed area with catastrophically high medical costs.

 

I'd find a way to do both. Maybe summers here and the school year where you are. That sounds awesome and you might have the means to do it if you stay.

 

Have you ever dealt with financial strain before? Or strict budgets? Although I agree that family is more important than money, I handle financial strain very, very poorly. I would not compromise the mental health of my nuclear family in order to be close to extended family.

 

 

This. Financial strain takes a horrendous toll on marriages.

And medical costs are ridiculous here. I had a recent hospitalization - my first since childhood tonsil removal - for a blown appendix. Cost? $45,500.

[Ruby Rose]

I'd say stay where you are. I've lived away from family and have had the same longing to be near them. Now we are. I think I romanticized how it would be and though it is nice to be close and attend family event, there is a lot more responsibility. Babysitters are NOT knocking down my door and everyone is so busy with their own life that we rarely see them except for family functions.

 

I think you would be giving up too much. The US as a whole is in shambles. Nothing feels secure anymore, especially financially.

 

Hugs to you because I understand being homesick. :grouphug:

[laundrycrisis]

I think you would be giving up too much. The US as a whole is in shambles. Nothing feels secure anymore, especially financially.

 

Very sadly, I agree with this. It sounds like you have security where you are. You would not have that here, at all, unless you have the kind of family that would prop you up financially.

 

Also you mentioned being able to own a home here, but then it does not sound like you would be able to afford to purchase a home with this job.

 

Another thing to consider - what if your circumstances changed and your kids had to go into the public school system ? Here or there - how does it compare ? Many of the public school systems here, I find truly frightening.

[Wendi]

Instead of taking a drastic cut in salary, why not go on a stricter budget than you're on and fly to the US more frequently, and get (pay for) your family to come out more often? My parents are 3,000 miles away, but we're no less close because of it. Finances are tight, so we only see them once a year, but we talk on the phone 4-5x/week and do the best we can. We've adopted new grandparents where we live now and that's been WONDERFUL, for them and for us. That too can be a very special, meaningful bond.

 

So... I wouldn't move!

 

:iagree:

 

If you move to CA, on your new budget you won't be able to visit Switzerland. On your current budget, can you find ways to visit CA more often or longer? Or fly family members over to visit? That's what I would do. I've never lived out of the country, but dh and I did move across the US (from FL to AZ) for a job. He got laid off from that job less than a year later. The economy in the US (and CA in particular) is still rather scary. If your dh has a good job now, I'd stay put.

 

Wendi

[LG Gone Wild]

Stay there! Plan on more vacations to visit family.

[A.Balaban]

Like the PP, I agree with them. I don't think you should move to the U.S. Cali is experiencing a lot of budget problems (as is the entire US) and I think you are giving up a LOT more than you are getting. I would wait for a more beneficial arrangement, or like the others suggested, try and work in extra visits to your family for extended periods of time.

 

You are feeling strong emotions, and the desire to be with family is strong, but I don't think it would be worth the "upset" of what you would lose. A 75% paycut could destroy your family dynamics- and like a PP said - a single hospitalization could destroy any savings. Especially worried about the cost of a house- the hidden costs that sneak up on you.

 

I am sorry for the dilemma you are in, but I would not move. :grouphug::grouphug: