My mom just blindsided me with a rather forceful argument over sending DD5 to school

[melissel]

:crying: :crying: :crying:

 

She thinks DD5 is smothering here, mostly alone with just me and DD2. She thinks DD5 would blossom and thrive in school and that she deserves the opportunity to make more friends. She thinks it's sad that my DD5 is so excited to play little-kid games with her grandfather (my dad, who's young--only 54), and that she should have friends to play with, and she feels like I'm keeping DD trapped here at home because of my needs instead of hers.

 

I gave her all the arguments. She finally backed down. The problem is, she's hit a nerve with me. I agree with her. DD5 is so social--she thrives and shines around other kids, and between work and home and DD2, I can't give her my full attention, and I can't haul us all around to social events every day, even if I could find enough stuff to do for kids her age. We host a weekly playgroup, and she has gymnastics on Fridays. But I could see her being really happy at school :( She loved her preschool. Maybe I am keeping her home for selfish reasons? The public schools here are mediocre--not horrible, not great. The one private school that I would consider a real option is $17K a year :willy_nilly:

 

How do I know if I'm doing the wrong thing? I know that academically, I can give her more at home. Socially, I just don't know anymore.

[TXMomof4]

Stop for just a minute. What she would *enjoy* and what would be best for her are generally two different things. Your job is to do the best thing for your child. In this case, provide her with the best education possible, in the most loving, supportive environment possible. Are you able to do that?

 

That's the real question, not if she would enjoy the social scene at school more (imho).

 

Don't let anyone throw you off what you know is best. It makes me furious when people just assume that we haven't thought through the decision to homeschool. Why on earth would I choose to do this if I didn't really have convictions about it? It certainly doesn't make my life easier.

:grouphug: I'm sorry anyone is causing you to doubt yourself this early in the game.

[Remudamom]

Why let yourself get sucked in? Yeah, she might be happy for a bit. Until the other girls start picking on her, or any of the other thousand things that will happen.

 

I told my mil one time that she had her chance to ruin her kids. Now was my turn to ruin mine, TYVM.

[talexand]

I'm sure others will have more advice but I wanted to comment on the playing with Grandpa. My kids have a grandfather who is very young at heart and will play hours of little kid games. Nothing compares to that no matter how many friends they have to play with. We are only homeschooling part time so our social network is different. But still the Grandpa play wins by a long shot.

 

Also keep in mind that most of the day at school, once they are in grade school, is spent trying to keep the kids from talking and playing so they can get work done. Its true that school can help a child meet friends with but its not the only way. Maybe you need a plan to help your child find a good friend for playdates. At that age, it often means you need to find yourself a friend with a child the same age. Maybe you can find one with a 2 year old as well.

[melissel]

Sorry, double post! My Internet connection is flickering.

[melissel]

I totally hear you both. But, what if I'm really making her this lonely kid who craves being around people but who can't be because we're tied to the house? If I wasn't working, I could throw myself into our co-op and field trips etc. But the fact is that I AM working. I have to, for now at least. So if I can't do this right, should I be doing it?

 

I guess she just really nailed all my insecurities with this :(

 

Thank you for responding, and for the hugs. I feel like crying into my pillow right now *sigh*

[Soph the vet]

 

I told my mil one time that she had her chance to ruin her kids. Now was my turn to ruin mine, TYVM.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

I am going to use this one!

[Kathleen in VA]

Well, imagine that you in a covered wagon traveling west in the 1860s. I mean what would you do then? Who would be there but you and your family? Laura Ingalls seem to manage with just an older sister for a while and then later a couple younger sisters.

 

I would not feel the least bit guilty about not being able to provide more social activities for your daughter if I were you. Relationships with other children are not always a good thing - they can often tear down what you are trying to build up at home.

 

Socialization is the process of gaining the skills necessary to leave home and live in the real world. She will learn those skills much better from you than from other children her age.

 

I live out in the country away from public transportation and haven't always had a car at my disposal. When my oldest son was 5yo I thought he would benefit from social activity as well, but it just wasn't possible in our situation. We stayed home and "did school" together (kindergarten) and with his little brother, 18mos younger. I had just had a baby girl that fall as well. We were isolated, but happy.

 

When he was 12yo we obtained an old, beat up car from some folks who were moving and couldn't take it with them. I determined then to take the boys to some outside activity and they chose Civil Air Patrol.

 

That little boy is 21 years old now and here is a link to an article our local paper wrote about him this past March:

 

http://www.fredericksburg.com/News/FLS/2008/032008/03252008/364556

 

As you can see, he did not suffer too terribly much from being isolated and sheltered. He's a wonderful young man now - God has been very gracious to us.

 

Don't fret about your daughter. She needs *you* now - not other 5yo children. Her time will come. This is just a season of her life. Spend this time building her up with your love, kindness and wisdom and when she is older she will make you proud.

[Amy in Orlando]

I totally hear you both. But, what if I'm really making her this lonely kid who craves being around people but who can't be because we're tied to the house? If I wasn't working, I could throw myself into our co-op and field trips etc. But the fact is that I AM working. I have to, for now at least. So if I can't do this right, should I be doing it?

 

I guess she just really nailed all my insecurities with this :(

 

Thank you for responding, and for the hugs. I feel like crying into my pillow right now *sigh*

 

Honestly and truly, you're not ruining your daughter by homeschooling her. I felt the same way when we first started. I was working part time and we only had one car so co-ops and play groups were mostly out for us too. Don't let your mom compound your worries. She's five. That's so very young and it's totally fine if she's happy to play "little kid" games with her sibling for now.

 

Could you try starting up an open play group on Saturday or Sunday mornings using local newsletters or library bulletin boards. I think a lot of people, no matter where their kids go to school, feel like their kids are missing out. Just set a time to meet at a park for playing for the moms to chat and see what happens.

 

Another idea is to check the Yahoo groups in your area - for people with young kids and for homeschool groups. You might be surprised to find other people in similar situations.

 

With my own kids, I have two very social kids and two introverts. I found that the social ones actually had a hard time in K-2 because of their desire to visit and chat with their friends in class. The actual school work didn't challenge them very much and left them with so much extra energy. Eight years later, I'm very happy to report that all of my kids have friends, are involved in many activities, are not noticeably "nerdier" than any of their friends. Actually, I think they'd all report that they're very happy.

 

Stick to your guns for now. Try to put your mom's concerns out of your mind. My mom was not gung ho when we first started. Now, she's a total homeschool convert. It's kind of crazy when I look back at it. :grouphug:

[Soph the vet]

I agree with the other responses. I have three very sociable dc. We try to have friends over when we can but many days are spent with "eachother". My ds7 has a wonderful friend across the street. His name is Ed and he is a widower who is 80 years old. Every day Joe begs to "go over and see Ed" and they tinker in his garage/woodshop. I love the fact that my dc can relate to people of all ages. That will get them far in real life, not the artificial age-segregated environment of a public school. I also treasure the close relationships my dc have with eachother and with my dh and I because we homeschool. When I hit middle school my peers opinions were worth 100 times my family's opinions. Whose values do you want your dc to take on at that point, yours or the 25 twelve year olds they spend the majority of their time with in school and sports? These are things I think about and I hope they helped some. As your dc get older and your mom sees how respectful they are to her and how not influenced they are by pop culture, etc. she will have a whole new view on your choice of educating your dc.;)

[Ellie]

I totally hear you both. But, what if I'm really making her this lonely kid who craves being around people but who can't be because we're tied to the house? If I wasn't working, I could throw myself into our co-op and field trips etc. But the fact is that I AM working. I have to, for now at least. So if I can't do this right, should I be doing it?

 

I guess she just really nailed all my insecurities with this :(

 

Thank you for responding, and for the hugs. I feel like crying into my pillow right now *sigh*

 

That she "craves being around people" does not mean that's the best thing for her. And are you willing to take the chance that she'll get a substandard education, not to mention the perpherals like [insert horror story of your choice here--drugs, s*x, violence] just so she can be around people??

 

If you were not working, I would advise you *not* to throw yourself into co-op. Field trips, yes; co-op, no. Why would you think you're not doing it "right" if you can't participate in co-op? We hsed long before the concept of "co-op" was invented, and our children turned out just fine, thank you very much.

 

I had a child who craved being around people, and for that very reason I never sent her to school. She would have been the class president, and the homecoming queen, and everything else, and I would have lost her, because the peer pressure would have meant more to her than her own integrity. I did find some outlets for her--Camp Fire, 4-H, Pioneer Clubs, dance--but they were outlets which had lots of adult control and interaction.

 

Don't beat up on yourself. Don't let your mother do it, either. She's not the mother of *your* child, and she doesn't get to help in decision-making processes.

[Joanne]

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=28

[Sara in AZ]

My dd is 5 and ds is 3, and I sometimes have similar concerns about my daughter not getting enough social opportunities, even though I try to arrange playdates and we do have some outside activities including church. She is quite an introvert, though, so my concerns may be different. She and her brother are BEST FRIENDS. Even when they are in social situations with other kids they often choose to play with each other. When I catch myself worrying about her enjoying playing with a three year old so much, I think, "what, am I crazy?" She's best friends with her brother! What relationships are more important to build than the family relationships that are going to stay with us through our entire lives? That's one of the reasons we've chosen to homeschool in the first place! I regret that I am not closer to my younger siblings, and I am convinced that public school was part of the reason.

[Philothea]

My sister was someone who loved all of the attention that she got at school. She turned out pretty bad, and recieved a lousy education, because to her, school was all about socializing.

 

She introduced "goosing" to the kindergarteners and it became an epidemic in the school. She had all of her fellow 5/6 year olds pinching each other on the rear to the point that the school had to address it. She spent the rest of her time in school engaged in similar pursuits.

 

Now she cannot even concentrate or write a paper for her non-credit, remidial community college classes.

 

Sometimes very social people just do not belong in a school setting.

[Kate CA]

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=28

 

This is an excellent and absolutely TRUE post. Thanks, Joanne!!:001_smile:

[Kanga]

I told my mil one time that she had her chance to ruin her kids. Now was my turn to ruin mine, TYVM.

:smilielol5:

 

My oldest two are 2 1/2 years apart and they became best friends when the youngest was 3 and have just continued to grow closer over the years. When they were young we only went to organized events 2 - 3 times a week and that was enough of a social outlet for them despite one of them being extremely out going.

 

We all go through this on some level with our parents/inlaws when we tell them that we are going to hs. For some reason their biggest concern is always socialization. My dad told me my kids were going to be geeks if I hsed them. I said they would probably be geeks no matter what, but that they would be less likely to be beaten up if they were hsed. Now all the grandparents marvel at how mature my dc are. They are amazed that they are completly comfortable engaging in serious discussions with grownups, but do not mind playing with their young cousins. HSing has allowed then to learn to socialize with all ages not just with other kids born within 12 months of them.

[Colleen]

I gave her all the arguments.

 

Don't.:)

 

Try this instead: "Thank you for sharing your opinion, Mom. I know how much you care, and I appreciate that. We've considered the options available to us and we feel good about our decision to homeschool. Your support means a lot to us all. Thanks!"

 

Okay, so maybe you aren't completely secure. But reacting defensively (providing arguments, for example) only serves to increase your insecurities. Go forward with confidence.:)

[Rosie_0801]

I totally hear you both. But, what if I'm really making her this lonely kid who craves being around people but who can't be because we're tied to the house? If I wasn't working, I could throw myself into our co-op and field trips etc. But the fact is that I AM working. I have to, for now at least. So if I can't do this right, should I be doing it?

I guess she just really nailed all my insecurities with this :(

Thank you for responding, and for the hugs. I feel like crying into my pillow right now *sigh*

 

She caught you on a bad day didn't she? Look, she may be happier with more social opportunities, but she can't "win 'em all" any more than you can. Whatever you do, she will have problems or things will be other than how she'd like them. This is life. With her at home, you know what those problems are, whether you are in a position to fix them or not. I'd prefer that to her being at school where you wouldn't know what was happening and definately wouldn't have the opportunity to fix it even if you did. Perhaps you could add in a weekend activity? Something like the SCA could work for you, if there is a branch close by. There are usually kids running around and it is something the whole family can do together. That's why we do it anyway :)

Tell your mum to buy a puppy.

:)

Rosie

[Catherine]

way: there is a (maybe large) grain of truth in your mom's observation-your daughter is very outgoing, playful, might be a child who loved school. That means that you need to be especially clear yourself on why you want to homeschool in the first place. Are you concerned about the academics? Your daughter's character and negative social influences in school? Religious influences that will pull her away from lessons you are trying to instill at home?

 

Once you've really examined your own motives, it will be easier to feel OK about why you are homeschooling your daughter, despite what others say, even your own mom.

 

I think it is especially hard on homeschooling parents who have children who love school, or clearly would love school. That's not the case here! But honestly, when I see the children of my friends, and how as adolescents, they are making the rapid transition away from family, I am SO grateful my own 11 yo is not with peers all day. I think he is maturing in the ways I had hoped, and is not as influenced by peers as many other children his age are.

[elegantlion]

I just woke up and the coffee is brewing so this may sound confuzzled. First of all never undersestimate the power of building relationships with those not our age. I had no real relationship with my grandparents. I would have given anything to have a grandparent that would have let me sit on their lap and play. My ds loves his grandparents and I make sure that relationship stays fresh. Homeschooling has allowed us greater flexibility in building that relationship.

 

Kindergarten may sound like fun. But what about first grade, second grade and beyond? How many socialization opportunities do they really get during a school day? Don't talk in class, 15 minutes of recess, can't run around at lunch, and having to raise your hand to go to the bathrooom. Have you seen the amount of homework some children that age get? Our school kids get on the bus at 7:20, don't get home until 3:30 and the girl next door was getting an hour or two of homework each night in 4th grade! How can you socialize with your family on that type of schedule.

 

Just my .02

[Lizzie in Ma]

Stop for just a minute. What she would *enjoy* and what would be best for her are generally two different things. Your job is to do the best thing for your child. In this case, provide her with the best education possible, in the most loving, supportive environment possible. Are you able to do that?

 

That's the real question, not if she would enjoy the social scene at school more (imho).

 

Don't let anyone throw you off what you know is best. It makes me furious when people just assume that we haven't thought through the decision to homeschool. Why on earth would I choose to do this if I didn't really have convictions about it? It certainly doesn't make my life easier.

:grouphug: I'm sorry anyone is causing you to doubt yourself this early in the game.

 

:iagree: Don't let anyone throw you, you CAN do this and I promise, your child is not going to suffer for it.

 

Here are a couple links to decent articles.

http://www.homeschoolcentral.com/socialization.htm

http://www.cbn.com/CBNnews/144135.aspx

[G5052]

Frankly if she got you on this one, she's probably going to get you again, either with that argument or another one. She's looking for everything she can to get you to send your child to school. I had one relative like this and several neighbors. Thankfully time has pretty much silenced them :001_smile:.

 

This may be the time to write a letter or sit down with them and point out that parenting has it's challenges in every generation, and sometimes grandparents disagree with the choices that their children make with their grandchildren. My guess is that it probably happened to them unless the grandparents were out of the picture when you were a child. However, you are the parent and have the primary responsiblity for your children, not them. You have researched the situation and are more aware of the issues with sending a child to public school than they are, and you have chosen to homeschool because you believe that it's best for your child. Then politely ask them to not question this decision. It is not their responsibility to determine the educational choices for your child.

 

It's not fun, but this is truly a case of boundaries.

[genie]

 

Kindergarten may sound like fun. But what about first grade, second grade and beyond? How many socialization opportunities do they really get during a school day? Don't talk in class, 15 minutes of recess, can't run around at lunch, and having to raise your hand to go to the bathrooom. Have you seen the amount of homework some children that age get? Our school kids get on the bus at 7:20, don't get home until 3:30 and the girl next door was getting an hour or two of homework each night in 4th grade! How can you socialize with your family on that type of schedule.

 

 

:iagree: This is just what I was thinking.

 

I have worried about similar things, but compounded even more because my daughter is an only at home. She loved preschool, was the student that every teacher loves having in her class, and I often wondered if I should have let her continue in school. Due to other circumstances, she did go to school for part of 2nd and 3rd grades. And even though she enjoyed the experience, she does NOT want to "go" to school again. I asked her if she missed being around friends, and she quite pointedly remarked that she didn't get to hang out with them at school, she simply shared a room with them. There was no time for the socialization everyone seems to worry so much about.

 

But also remember, this isn't a life sentence. If you really do have your doubts and concerns, there will always be a school close by that will take your child no matter what age or what time of the year. You don't have to make any decision that you are not comfortable with, but the option of school will always be there for the taking. It's not going anywhere, so you don't have to rush into any decision.

[Scarlett]

 

Don't.:)

 

Try this instead: "Thank you for sharing your opinion, Mom. I know how much you care, and I appreciate that. We've considered the options available to us and we feel good about our decision to homeschool. Your support means a lot to us all. Thanks!"

 

Okay, so maybe you aren't completely secure. But reacting defensively (providing arguments, for example) only serves to increase your insecurities. Go forward with confidence.:)

 

:iagree:

 

And as far as your own insecurities about your decision, please stop worrying. I have one of the most out-going kids I've ever met and he's never been to school. He is 8 and an only child at that. Would he 'love' school? Sure. He would also 'love' to watch TV 24/7 and eat poptarts for every meal. What kids love short term is not what is usually best for them.

 

I find it interesting that if you have a sociable, social child people say, 'awww, he would just thrive in public school.' If you have a shy quiet child people say, 'awww....he really needs school to help him with that problem.' :glare:

 

When I first came to this board, I fretted about how much I should get ds 'out' with others. I don't any more. I think a couple of times a week is perfect. Play with Grandpa is AWESOME not sad. So few kids have involved grandparents these days.

[LisaNY]

(((Melissa))), we've all had those moments of insecurity about whether or not our choice to homeschool is the best thing for our dc.

 

One thing I think we need to do is periodically evaluate how we and our dc are doing. As hs'ers, we can sometimes lose perspective of the overall picture. It is good once in a while to take a step back and attempt to take an objective look at the situation.

 

We can ask ourselves a few questions, like:

 

Are my dc basically content?

Are they progressing in their studies?

Do I have a good handle on what we are covering now and what my future plans are?

What is the general atmosphere in our home?

How is my relationship with my dc?

Are we getting enough daily physical activity/exercise?

 

As hs'ers, we need to work on not becoming defensive when faced with these kinds of questions. Instead, we should take it as an opportunity to take a *healthy* look at our situation. I think it is OKAY to periodically evaluate ourselves - even when the evaluation may have been initially prompted by belligerent or hostile questioning. Of course we need to be firm in our resolve to homeschool our children, but that doesn't mean we should be closed to an honest evaluation once in a while.

 

Now, here's my question to you - How is your dd doing? Is she basically content? Is she progressing fairly well with her studies? If you can answer "yes" to those questions, then you are doing, right now, what needs to be done for your dd. If you answered "no", then take a step back and reevaluate. You have stated that you work, which obviously puts a limit on your time. However, I must ask you, if your dd needs an extra day or two here or there to spend time with other dc, can you somehow find the time to make that happen for her?

 

I may be breaking with the norm around here, but I think that time spent with other children IS important. More for some than for others, but nonetheless important. :001_smile:

[Karenciavo]

 

And as far as your own insecurities about your decision, please stop worrying. I have one of the most out-going kids I've ever met and he's never been to school. He is 8 and an only child at that. Would he 'love' school? Sure. He would also 'love' to watch TV 24/7 and eat poptarts for every meal. What kids love short term is not what is usually best for them.

 

I find it interesting that if you have a sociable, social child people say, 'awww, he would just thrive in public school.' If you have a shy quiet child people say, 'awww....he really needs school to help him with that problem.' :glare:

 

So true.

[Holly IN]

My kids are very sociable and they are doing just fine. They talk to people of all ages. The "young" people (talking about the senior citizens here) love and adore my 13 yr old son. They go to him or seek him out because they know that he will give them hugs and really listen to them. He is a big hit at our church right now. I contribute all of that due to our homeschooling our son and other children.

 

Let your dd enjoy the games with grandpa. Those are the memories she will cherish when she is older. It doesn't matter how social you are in deciding whether to homeschool or not. It is doing what is best for your child's well being and spiritual being.

 

:grouphug: I do have to warn you though that your mom will keep harrasing you on this issue. You will have to buckle up and bear down on her when she brings this issue up.

 

Blessings=

 

Holly

[Harriet Vane]

Some things to add:

 

--My two children get insanely excited about playing with either grandparent or their father. As another poster said, it's not because they don't have enough kids in their life (far from it!!!)--it's because time with those individuals is the best thing in their lives. It would be tremendously wonderful whether they go to a traditional school or not. You might remind your mom to see the glass as half-full, rather than seeing problems, and rejoice in the good relationship your dd has with her grandfather. Not everyone has that blessing.

 

--Make good use of the phone or even email. We have tons of friends and opportunities, but not always time for a playdate. I do allow either of my kids to talk to their friends on the phone. This is especially good for my dd.

[woolybear]

I think it is easy to second guess yourself sometimes with any parenting decisions. We can always think,"What if I did it this way, what would be...." But we can't know what it would all be like. Someone above said to be clear about your reasons for homeschooling. I do think that will help you to stand by that choice.

 

Also, you can flip this around and look at it this way(or tell your mom): Maybe she is so playful with grandpa and happy and enjoying being around people BECAUSE she is homeschooled right now. She gets to be in an environment where she can grow safely and securely. Maybe if she were at school 5 days a week she would be different. Particularly past grade one, where the day becomes long and has less time for play and socializing.

 

Keep in mind, even in kindergarten there is not so much time for socializing. Most of the time is structured. A lot of time is spent in line, being shuffled from one activity to the next, being quiet, sitting in your chair, etc.

 

It sounds like you are doing what is best (but obviously this is coming from another hser :D) Listen to your heart and your daughter's--not your Mom's. And remember, you can always come back here for support. Hang in there.

[Citrusheights5]

:iagree:

 

I find it interesting that if you have a sociable, social child people say, 'awww, he would just thrive in public school.' If you have a shy quiet child people say, 'awww....he really needs school to help him with that problem.' :glare:

 

 

 

:banghead::banghead::banghead: I have heard this so much about both my children.. DD because she is so shy, and DS because he was the class clown.. and needs an audience.. I just hate how that is supposed to work both ways..

[Staci in MO]

I had a child who craved being around people, and for that very reason I never sent her to school. She would have been the class president, and the homecoming queen, and everything else, and I would have lost her, because the peer pressure would have meant more to her than her own integrity.

 

This is very well said.

 

Like the others said, just because a child desires something, doesn't mean it's good for them.

[johnandtinagilbert]

I agree with all the encouragement given and want to add something. You are new at this. Of Course you're questioning what you're doing. It took me 3 years before I

 

1. felt confident as a teacher

2. figured out who I was as a teacher and had realistic expectations of my abilities and understood my weaknesses (still growing here after 8 full years of schooling)

3. Didn't care a bit what others thought of our decision to home school

4. Stopped defending, or feeling the need to defend that we home schooled.

 

The fact is, she's young and I can tell you, as the mother of 5, 2 who are particularly social, we provide social opportunities and end up regretting many of them b/c they are not learning very many desirable things from their peers.

 

I guess I look at this: my wedding picture is full of the closest friends I had at the time (5 ladies)....I don't know where any of them are to date and I keep in touch with one (only one) person from all years of schooling...and I was popular, I was on homecoming court, in student government, played sports, Editor in Chief of yearbook, and made good grades.

 

Truth be told, I left school learning how to be all of what the standard said I should be, but not finding myself until my late twenties.

 

At five, she doesn't know what's best for her, and your mother is Your mother, not hers, so she doesn't know what's best for her either.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Chin up. You are doing a wonderful thing by home schooling, NEVER let anyone tell you otherwise. If you make a decision that your children should go to ps, let it be Your decision, and no one else's.

[melissel]

Well, thank you all. I've been stewing over your thoughts all day, and they've helped a lot. I'm having a hard time separating my instincts from my fears these days.

 

Just to clarify, my DD does not want to go to school. Well, I should say, she DOES want to go to school if it starts at 10 a.m., goes until 2 p.m., and she can play all day there :D I'm just concerned over whether she's getting enough social experience (different from the "socialization" that non-HSers fret about, IMO), because I do think that's important for kids. I also worry about her because it's just the three of use (DD5, DD2, and me) much of the time, and I really think the two of them could use a break from each these days (and I a break from them :willy_nilly:). DD5 is talking a lot about giving her bullheaded little sister away to the next person we meet on the street all of a sudden *sigh*

 

And I don't question my mom's motives. My mom is the best Mimi a girl could ask for, and she lives for the girls--DD5 in particular. I hear her concerns and I don't disagree with her. Rosie's right, I guess she's caught me at a bad day--or really a bad time. Since we let the babysitter go, I've been strained almost to the breaking point, and I feel like I'm doing nothing well, or even close to well. But camp starts in two weeks, and after that? I really don't know. I guess we'll see.

 

Thank you all for talking me down. I really needed it last night, and your posts truly kept me from freaking out through the night. Your reward is a funny, divine intervention sort of element to this story :D

 

My mom is here today taking care of the girls while I work. The little boy down the street happened to catch her bringing the girls in and asked if they could play. Of course, given our conversation last night, she said that would be fine and told me she'd take care of it all. He came over a little later. They played outside for awhile, and then came inside to play Hi-Ho Cherry-o. Over the course of the half-hour he was here, he whipped the girls into a frenzy, made the little one cry by telling her she couldn't come over to his house to play because she was too little, thereby offending the big one as well. Once Hi-Ho Cherry-o was started, they argued over the rules of the game, while he proceeded to take multiple turns, and when DD5 tried to explain the rules to him and then complained to my mom, he called her a crybaby (a big no-no here), leading her to storm down the hall and lock herself in her room. That's when my mom sent him home, saying that it was a bad time for a playdate and that we'd do it another day.

 

About 15 minutes into the playdate, when the bickering had started but before the blow-ups, my mom said to me, "Forget about sending her to school! Listen to what's happening down there."

 

BINGO! :D

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm going to go back and read every word of advice given on this thread, because Becca loves to be around people and kids too. And that's the one thing that gives me pause in deciding to HS her. I make my peace by realizing that kindergarten may be one thing, but it's not always going to be like that.

 

I'm glad you're feeling more confident now!

[Sahamamama]

That little boy is 21 years old now and here is a link to an article our local paper wrote about him this past March:

 

http://www.fredericksburg.com/News/FLS/2008/032008/03252008/364556

 

As you can see, he did not suffer too terribly much from being isolated and sheltered. He's a wonderful young man now - God has been very gracious to us.

 

That is a GREAT article about your son! I am glad to know that there are young men like him out there, ready and willing to serve others and to build a strong nation. Thanks!

[Sahamamama]

I have a 3.5 year old and 1.5 year old twins. We live in a small home, in a not-great neighborhood, and there's not much room, either inside or outside of this house. But we are okay here, for now, and we are blessed to be in ANY home, with housing prices what they are in New Jersey.

 

We also do not have a van, and I can't put all three car seats in either regular car to go anywhere with the girls -- so we stay home. Once a week, my parents take the oldest to their place for the day, and one other day per week, my mom comes over to "help with the twins." Really, she just looks at them toddling around and laughs and laughs. She still can't believe we have twins. :001_smile::001_smile:

 

Lots of times, as the SAHM of three small ones, I feel GUILTY. I feel like I'm not DOING ENOUGH. I feel as though I am DEPRIVING my children of some great and necessary experience, which, if they lack, will forever stunt their development.

 

You know what my mom says? Relax, Beth. Nearly every other day, she says, in some way or other, Relax, Beth. I really helps me to hear my mother, of all people, say this. It helps me to know that she thinks I am doing OK, that I am doing enough, that she can see how well taken care of the girls are, that it's obvious I love them, and that they will be OK.

 

Whew. That's a lot for one person to need to hear said by someone who matters to her. Your mom's words hurt you because they came from your MOM. Ouch. If my mom told me that, I would be crushed, not because her words would be TRUE, so much (maybe yes, maybe no), but because my MOM would in effect be saying that something about the way I mother my own child is not jiving with what she thinks I should be doing. Whew.

 

I would try to do two things: (1) First, as objectively as possible, try to decide if what your mom says is really true -- Is your daughter "social?" Does she flourish around other children? Are you really isolating her? Are you really homeschooling for selfish reasons? Only you can answer these questions, but don't be too hard on yourself!

 

(2) Secondly, you need to deal with the hurt and confusion that you feel as a result of your mom's words to you. And talk to your mom from your heart about this. She should know that what she said hurt you, has gone in very deeply, and has lead you to second-guess yourself as a mother. Ask your mom, Would you feel shaky, too, if your mother had confronted you in this way? Tell your mom that you respect her, that you love your daughter, and that this has put you in a bind of seemingly having to choose a path between them. Your mom needs to know how this has impacted you, only then will you be able to walk in dignity and integrity in your own decisions with your children.

 

Remember, the #1 emotion experienced by mothers is GUILT! Do not succumb to this, if possible, and I do hope and pray this will work out.

 

:grouphug:

[Sahamamama]

Play with Grandpa is AWESOME not sad. So few kids have involved grandparents these days.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Yes, Yes, Yes! My father loves this, too, not just my daughter! They have this tickle thing going.... and there is a snapping turtle that lives in the little hole at the bottom of the stairs... and they take walks through the woods to feed the fish in the creek... and they take turns hugging Mr. Bean (the stuffed bear)... and they make memories, at least for me.

 

My father is almost 76 years old, my mother just turned 72. My husband's parents live on the West Coast, so we hardly ever see them, but when the girls are a bit older, homeschooling will work out so we can visit California for a month at a time. I want my children to have as much time with their grandparents as they can get!

[melissel]

Beth, did you know that I'm in NJ too? :seeya: Not so far from you, actually--up by Rutgers.

 

Lots of times, as the SAHM of three small ones, I feel GUILTY. I feel like I'm not DOING ENOUGH. I feel as though I am DEPRIVING my children of some great and necessary experience, which, if they lack, will forever stunt their development.

 

You know what's funny? As a working mom, I feel exactly the same way. We just can't win, right?

 

Thank you for your insight. I think you're partly right, although if my mom's opinions mattered SO much to me, I wouldn't have breastfed, co-slept, cloth-diapered, or even had a second child--we have a very good relationship, but she knows I will go my own way above all else. I really think my mom's words were so devastating to me because there has been a small voice inside my own head for months, whispering, and sometimes shouting, the same things. Like I said earlier, I'm having a VERY hard time separating my instincts from my fears these days. I believe in trusting my instincts, but some days every fiber of my being is screaming that I shouldn't be doing this--that I'm not capable of doing it properly and I should accept it and move on. My mom put words to a big chunk of my own fear and forced me to face it down head on. Does that make any sense? That was hard, hard, hard to do last night.

 

This is all tied up with my working, and feeling like while I'm working, I can't do HSing--and therefore my girls--justice. I know you've responded some of my other posts, about wanting to quit my job and so on. These are all different sides of the same...er...octagon? :tongue_smilie:

 

For now, I think I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing--putting my head down and plowing forward. In two weeks both girls will be in camp until the end of August, so I won't have to worry about anything social (well, maybe whether or not my toddler is beating up on the other kids at her preschool camp!). Once the summer's over and the persistent yard work is done, DH will be able to be more help on the two days he has off. Like I said in my last post, you guys have talked me off yet another ledge, for which I'm again grateful :grouphug:

[Kanga]

About 15 minutes into the playdate, when the bickering had started but before the blow-ups, my mom said to me, "Forget about sending her to school! Listen to what's happening down there."

 

BINGO! :D

 

That is priceless!

[Sahamamama]

About 15 minutes into the playdate, when the bickering had started but before the blow-ups, my mom said to me, "Forget about sending her to school! Listen to what's happening down there."

 

BINGO! :D

 

 

:lol: That story is so stinking funny! Thanks for sharing! :lol:

[Sahamamama]

Hey, there, up in New/North? Brunswick! We're in Ewing, by The College of New Jersey. Wavin' atcha!

 

:seeya:

[Jean in Newcastle]

When your second child is a bit older, they will likely start to become better friends. Sometimes I separate my children - just to give the older one a bit of a break!

[Peela]

I put my daughter in school for the reasons your Mum is concerned about. She was a social kid, loved preschool...I wanted to homeschool but didn't feel justified, and her younger brother was very demanding so I figured I couldn't give her what she needed. And I had no support from dh at that stage- he was not familiar with homeschooling and had the usual prejudices against it.

A few years later, ds, her younger brother, was in school. He never liked it much, and by grade 2 was suffering badly with learning difficulties. I took him out to homeschool him with dh's very tentative approval, for a trial of 6 months of homeschooling. Within weeks, dh told me we HAD to take dd out of school too, because homeschooling was the most awesome thing in the world and we needed her HOME. She was 9 by then. By then she was completely peer dependent, had friends we didn't like much, she did NOT want to come now, and it was hard for her because she loved her friends, her teacher, her school. She HAD thrived in the school environment, and she still would.

We have been homeschooling since then though, and we are every day grateful that we do, and my only regret is that we didn't start from the beginning. I do think kids need social time...but at 5, not a lot. My 12 an 14yos see other kids most days for something or other. They are happy, well adjusted kids WITH AN AMAZING SOCIAL LIFE EACH. Between Scouts, homeschool activities, music and art classes, and just friends, they have great social lives.

And, they are not in a negative social environment- their friends are great, and as parents we have had a lot of influence in who their friends are. We still have a strong influence, while they still have a lot of freedom. And this is all before you even consider the academic side of things.

I think girls who are social butterflies can probably benefit from homeschooling more than many, as long as you are prepared to do the work of letting them socialise, because the negative special aspects of school socialising (and I dont mean its all negative, but you know there is plenty of negative stuff there- my then 9 year old wanted a laptop and mobile phone because her friends had them, she thought she was fat when she wasnt,etc) affect them more than more introverted kids. They love to be loved, to be popular, to be in the "in" crowd.

if you put your 5yo in school, you may find it hard to get her out again with her cooperation, or you may find she wants to come out for one reason or another. Different parents handle it differently. We had to do it without our daughter's consent, and she is now very glad to be homeschooling. its kind of a long haul thing, I think. Do you think your dd would be better homeschooling in the long run? Then let that play a part on your decision of what to do with her now. Most grandparents wont understand homeschooling anyway....until later they still have beautiful grandkids who communicate and love them, and are smart.