Mid-Life Crisis? Feeling out of sorts

[AprilTN]

Maybe I am having a mid-life crisis.....

 

For a few years, I have been feeling uneasy about my life's path. It is strange, because I have wanted to Homeschool since I was a teen, and so I should be happy. My kids love homeschooling and would be happy to go all the way through high school at home. This is our 8th year of hsing.

 

I will turn 40 this year. When our first child was born, I had graduated from college but only had a out a year of work experience. I decided to stay home, then decided to Homeschool. My dh was always very supportive and in agreement with our plan.

 

I am looking at my life and I realize how much I've changed, and not for the better. Homeschooling has fed my introverted personality, yet I am lonely for deeper connections with others. I feel like I have been under a rock sometimes. Since I chose to not pursue a career/grad school, /etc., I now have no marketable skills if I should want to work. I guess I would have to go back to school. I know I am intelligent, yet I feel completely intimidated by what I would need to do to pursue a career at this point or when the kids are in college.

 

My dh has built an amazing career, is very successful, and is well-loved by all that know him. He is a very hard worker and we have both made many sacrifices for his success, which has paid off for us.

 

I don't know how crazy this will sound, but I feel like we both have worked so hard, but now it is as if he did it all and I am still stuck back where we were 20 years ago. There are so many things he can do that I can't because he has focused so hard on his career while I've been at home. Now I realize we did it together, but in the end it is his career, kwim?

 

I am feeling confused that I made the wrong choice by staying home. I wonder where I would be, what would I have done in my life if I had let the kids go to school. I am jealous that he knows interesting people That he can go have lunch with, that are dressed up and look nice and so on. He gets positive feedback from his peers and from his boss, he gets praise and recognition for a job well done. No one cares what I do, unless of course I do it wrong, and I especially feel the pressure of teaching the kids.

 

For a few years now I won't even mention that I Homeschool, and if it is brought up I try to change the subject as quickly as possible. I especially don't want to talk to anyone at his office about it. It is like nails on a chalkboard to hear from some nice looking businessman/woman that he/she "could never do that".

 

I wanted my dh to be successful and I'm proud of what we have done, but I feel like my dh has outgrown me and I feel like we are in different worlds. 10 years ago our paths seemed a little different but as the years go on, the gap just seems wider.

 

I also regret that while I have given my heart and soul to homeschooling that I didn't have anything left over to just be me. And honestly, I don't mean having a girls' night out or going shopping, but something real and meaningful that would help my self-confidence and build up my soul.

 

This post is too long at this point so I will just ask is any of you have ever had similar feelings and how did you reconcile them? I am planning to go and talk to a counselor because I just can't get past this and it is having an impact on my relationships with my family. Thank you for listening and I hope it wasn't too depressing to read.

[sheryl]

I hope this does NOT sound trite, but you sound hormonal. Every person has different desires, callings, etc. I've felt some of what you feel, but that was a while ago. When I started "M" about 6 years ago I was going batty.

 

Every now and then I think that my dh is plugged in with "people" "out there" in society. He's helping to make it go 'round. What am I doing? Well, a Mother and teacher does not get the recognition that each deserve. We are over looked. Perhaps that's what you are feeling.

 

Before you make any rash decisions or opinions, I would spend much time reflecting and trying to pin point the issue/s.

 

We are also in our 8th year h'schooling and it no longer holds the punch it once did. BUT, my dd is special needs and challenging. Some days good, some days not good at.all. I would like to get a little part time (15 hours) job. My dd is old enough I could leave her for a few hours 2-3 times a week, but not much more.

 

Truly I do believe it may be hormonal and lack of conversation with your dh or a close friend irl.....they may be a support for you and help you sort it out.

 

HTH!

 

eta: ((HUGS))

[Catwoman]

This post is too long at this point so I will just ask is any of you have ever had similar feelings and how did you reconcile them? I am planning to go and talk to a counselor because I just can't get past this and it is having an impact on my relationships with my family. Thank you for listening and I hope it wasn't too depressing to read.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, April, but please know that you're not alone. I think many of us go through the same feelings you've described, and for most of us, things do get better and we're able to put a more positive spin on things over time.

 

One thing to ask yourself is whether or not a super-successful career would have made you happier than having your children and being home to raise them. Because if you'd taken a different path, you might not even have the same kids -- or any kids at all. You and your dh could have ended up divorced because you were both looking out for your own ambitions and career opportunities. You could have been hit by a bus 5 years ago and not even be here now.

 

I know it sounds silly to think that way, but honestly, you couldn't have changed one thing without everything else having been different as well, so it may help you to try to make a list of the things you have been able to do because you weren't pursuing a career, rather than focusing on everything you've missed out on.

 

A great job does not compensate for a happy family, and there's no guarantee you would have had both if you'd decided to be a super-ambitious career mom.

 

Again, I wish I could think of more things to say to help you. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

How old are your kids? I went through a time of feeling like that and then 8th grade hit and I realized that high school was right around the corner. Spending time on the high school board, planning and implementing the start of high school has been very challenging for me! I'm finding the challenge to be . . . challenging. . . but also exciting at the same time.

[Melinda in VT]

I have no advice other than to remember that 40 is still young. Your life is far from over. If, after thinking about it some more (and in your place, I think I would probably talk to a counselor too, to help me sort things out), you decide that you want to make some changes (take a class, become passionate about a cause, even put the kids in school), you have plenty of time to do that.

 

:grouphug: as you think things through.

[amy g.]

I agree that you sound hormonal, but I really understand how you feel. I'm 45, and I started feeling the way you do about 5 years ago.

 

At first, I thought all I needed was another baby... I don't advise taking that route.

 

What has helped me the most is working on projects with long range plans that I can do with my children.

 

I don't know the ages of your kids, but mine are in my signiture.

 

Also getting out does help. We sold soap at an 8 week festival in the fall, and my friend who is 37 worked with me. She had a very noticeable improvement in her depressed feelings during that time of getting away and having fun. Today, she said she was feeling bad again, so we are going to see about adding a second 8 week spring festival next year.

 

In the meantime, my oldest and I sell at a local farmers market every Sunday from Noon to 4:00. Sometimes my son comes with us and plays music. Sometimes my 5 year old comes and s:)pends all of the money as fast as we make it.

 

Today, the market was dead. We only made $55, but we really had fun being silly and visiting with the other vendors. We also used the time with no customers to work on the picture book my oldest is writing.

 

So here is my advice, take care of your physical needs with vitamins, exercise, progesterone cream, anything that will help, then set some goals for yourself that don't revolve around your husband, but don't actually prevent you from homeschooling.

 

If those goals and projects involve going out and meeting new people, it is all the better.

[ereks mom]

Maybe I am having a mid-life crisis.....

 

For a few years, I have been feeling uneasy about my life's path. It is strange, because I have wanted to Homeschool since I was a teen, and so I should be happy. My kids love homeschooling and would be happy to go all the way through high school at home. This is our 8th year of hsing.

 

I will turn 40 this year. When our first child was born, I had graduated from college but only had a out a year of work experience. I decided to stay home, then decided to Homeschool. My dh was always very supportive and in agreement with our plan.

 

I am looking at my life and I realize how much I've changed, and not for the better. Homeschooling has fed my introverted personality, yet I am lonely for deeper connections with others. I feel like I have been under a rock sometimes. Since I chose to not pursue a career/grad school, /etc., I now have no marketable skills if I should want to work. I guess I would have to go back to school. I know I am intelligent, yet I feel completely intimidated by what I would need to do to pursue a career at this point or when the kids are in college.

 

My dh has built an amazing career, is very successful, and is well-loved by all that know him. He is a very hard worker and we have both made many sacrifices for his success, which has paid off for us.

 

I don't know how crazy this will sound, but I feel like we both have worked so hard, but now it is as if he did it all and I am still stuck back where we were 20 years ago. There are so many things he can do that I can't because he has focused so hard on his career while I've been at home. Now I realize we did it together, but in the end it is his career, kwim?

 

I am feeling confused that I made the wrong choice by staying home. I wonder where I would be, what would I have done in my life if I had let the kids go to school. I am jealous that he knows interesting people That he can go have lunch with, that are dressed up and look nice and so on. He gets positive feedback from his peers and from his boss, he gets praise and recognition for a job well done. No one cares what I do, unless of course I do it wrong, and I especially feel the pressure of teaching the kids.

 

For a few years now I won't even mention that I Homeschool, and if it is brought up I try to change the subject as quickly as possible. I especially don't want to talk to anyone at his office about it. It is like nails on a chalkboard to hear from some nice looking businessman/woman that he/she "could never do that".

 

I wanted my dh to be successful and I'm proud of what we have done, but I feel like my dh has outgrown me and I feel like we are in different worlds. 10 years ago our paths seemed a little different but as the years go on, the gap just seems wider.

 

I also regret that while I have given my heart and soul to homeschooling that I didn't have anything left over to just be me. And honestly, I don't mean having a girls' night out or going shopping, but something real and meaningful that would help my self-confidence and build up my soul.

 

This post is too long at this point so I will just ask is any of you have ever had similar feelings and how did you reconcile them? I am planning to go and talk to a counselor because I just can't get past this and it is having an impact on my relationships with my family. Thank you for listening and I hope it wasn't too depressing to read.

 

The part that I bolded describes EXACTLY how I felt when my oldest went away to college. I was 47 years old and I experienced a true crisis (as some here will remember), and I felt so... EMPTY when ER went to college and left me behind. That's the only way I know to describe how I felt. My marriage was great, so that wasn't it; I loved (still do) my dh dearly; he has always been supportive and encouraging. But I felt that I had poured myself into my kids and then when he left to go to college--a perfectly normal thing to do--it opened my eyes to the fact that I had become so wrapped up in homeschooling that I had forgotten to take some time to nurture ME.

 

Since that time (3.5 years ago), I have realized that I have to culivate friendships with other women, set aside time for dh & me to be a couple, and devote some time to a few of my personal interests (gardening, sewing, reading, Bible study, etc.) so that my whole world doesn't revolve around my dc & homeschooling. I also began to think about what I'm going to do after my youngest graduates. I'm considering a return to my former career as a professional educator, either homeschooling other people's children, tutoring, or teaching remedial math & English at a small Bible college with which dh is affiliated.

Edited January 16, 2012 by ereks mom

[Carol in Cal.]

Putting on my feminist hat for a moment, I have to ask...is it that you feel vulnerable? Because you are. If your DH decided to walk, you probably would not be able to continue to homeschool, and you would have difficulty supporting yourself. And chances are, although you would get spousal support for a time, your lifestyle and retirement would be severely impacted.

 

I hope that your marriage is not in trouble, but as I read your post I could not help wondering whether that was the subtext of your feelings.

 

Whether or not it is, I encourage you to do three things pretty intentionally.

 

One is to get in shape if you're not, and build a reasonably attractive wardrobe if you don't have one. It does wonders for your self-image to look confident and put together. And the 'getting in shape' is great for your health even more so than your looks. Respect yourself, and others will respect you even more. And if they don't, so what. You do, and that is really what counts.

 

The second is to focus on making your marriage very strong, even if it is. Pay attention to that!

 

The last is to make a list of everything you can ever remember being intensely interested in. Everything. Reflect on this over a period of time. What really floated your boat at each age of your life? What was the most interesting thing you did during your high school years? Your middle school years? Etc. Then pick one and study it thoroughly. You'll have an interest that takes you out of your own head, and gives you something to talk about with others, and who knows, maybe down the road when your children are more independent you will make something of this.

Edited January 16, 2012 by Carol in Cal.

[Halcyon]

:grouphug: I absolutely know the feeling. I don't have anything to say right now, but I will. Just wanted to let you know you're absolutely not alone.

[Missouri Okie]

Homeschooling has fed my introverted personality, yet I am lonely for deeper connections with others. I feel like I have been under a rock sometimes.

 

This resonated with me especially. I'm 41 and these are my feelings exactly. I'm different then you in that I got married late and had a successful (albeit unfulfilling) career as a CPA until after my children were born. However, I feel that my own social skills have atrophied to the point that I'm lost as to how to connect with others. I have recently been distressed that the bloom is now officially off the rose and that it's only down hill from here. :(

 

I like Carol in Cal.'s advice for both of us. I did go to a long-postponed trip to the hair salon in December to get a professional dye-job. This, plus exercising and wearing some new outfits have helped my outlook.

 

I think that it's a mid-life crisis in my case (which sounds similar to yours).

[WTMCassandra]

I would challenge your thoughts on how homeschooling has diminished you or held you back. You might be surprised how homeschooling has developed you professionally. It might make you an awesome tutor or fee-based co-op teacher. It might make you a great substitute teacher. It might make you a fabulous nanny. Etc.

 

If I were you, I would start planning my post-homeschooling career. What have you always wanted to do but had to put aside to homeschool? What steps could you take toward making that a reality?

 

I, for one, have decided that I am basically ruined for the classroom but LOVE tutoring. So I take on a student or two, which is all I can handle if I am still homeschooling, just to "keep my hand in." After my children are grown, though, I can see taking that as a serious career path. Or I might go back to school for a graduate degree, which I have always wanted to do. Or I could go back to technical writing, which I enjoyed. Or I could revive my deaf interpreting skills. I could go on and on . . .

 

Plotting what you will do after homeschooling, and taking small steps toward that, could lift your spirits a lot. I also agree with the posts about getting in shape physically, and working on your hair and clothing to update them. What about subscribing to some meaty magazines like The Economist to get your brain working?

 

P.S. I am 43.

Edited January 16, 2012 by WTMCassandra

[Random]

:grouphug:

 

Lots of good advice already.

[*~Tina~*]

This resonated with me especially. I'm 41 and these are my feelings exactly.

 

I think that it's a mid-life crisis in my case (which sounds similar to yours).

 

Me too! 42 (just told dh today that I'm only 8 yrs from 50 :glare:) been feeling the same way as you off and on for almost a year...midlife crisis, hormones, looking ahead, questioning where I'm at in life, all that jazz. Just wanted to thank you for sharing and let you know you are not alone.

 

The wisest words I've ever heard and ones I try to remember and state aloud to myself often "this too shall pass" :grouphug:

[Starr]

Me too! 42 (just told dh today that I'm only 8 yrs from 50 :glare:) been feeling the same way as you off and on for almost a year...midlife crisis, hormones, looking ahead, questioning where I'm at in life, all that jazz. Just wanted to thank you for sharing and let you know you are not alone.

 

The wisest words I've ever heard and ones I try to remember and state aloud to myself often "this too shall pass" :grouphug:

 

Getting older isn't for sissies! :grouphug:

[Guest]

Maybe I am having a mid-life crisis.....

 

For a few years, I have been feeling uneasy about my life's path. It is strange, because I have wanted to Homeschool since I was a teen, and so I should be happy. My kids love homeschooling and would be happy to go all the way through high school at home. This is our 8th year of hsing.

 

I will turn 40 this year. When our first child was born, I had graduated from college but only had a out a year of work experience. I decided to stay home, then decided to Homeschool. My dh was always very supportive and in agreement with our plan.

 

I am looking at my life and I realize how much I've changed, and not for the better. Homeschooling has fed my introverted personality, yet I am lonely for deeper connections with others. I feel like I have been under a rock sometimes. Since I chose to not pursue a career/grad school, /etc., I now have no marketable skills if I should want to work. I guess I would have to go back to school. I know I am intelligent, yet I feel completely intimidated by what I would need to do to pursue a career at this point or when the kids are in college.

 

My dh has built an amazing career, is very successful, and is well-loved by all that know him. He is a very hard worker and we have both made many sacrifices for his success, which has paid off for us.

 

I don't know how crazy this will sound, but I feel like we both have worked so hard, but now it is as if he did it all and I am still stuck back where we were 20 years ago. There are so many things he can do that I can't because he has focused so hard on his career while I've been at home. Now I realize we did it together, but in the end it is his career, kwim?

 

I am feeling confused that I made the wrong choice by staying home. I wonder where I would be, what would I have done in my life if I had let the kids go to school. I am jealous that he knows interesting people That he can go have lunch with, that are dressed up and look nice and so on. He gets positive feedback from his peers and from his boss, he gets praise and recognition for a job well done. No one cares what I do, unless of course I do it wrong, and I especially feel the pressure of teaching the kids.

 

For a few years now I won't even mention that I Homeschool, and if it is brought up I try to change the subject as quickly as possible. I especially don't want to talk to anyone at his office about it. It is like nails on a chalkboard to hear from some nice looking businessman/woman that he/she "could never do that".

 

I wanted my dh to be successful and I'm proud of what we have done, but I feel like my dh has outgrown me and I feel like we are in different worlds. 10 years ago our paths seemed a little different but as the years go on, the gap just seems wider.

 

I also regret that while I have given my heart and soul to homeschooling that I didn't have anything left over to just be me. And honestly, I don't mean having a girls' night out or going shopping, but something real and meaningful that would help my self-confidence and build up my soul.

 

This post is too long at this point so I will just ask is any of you have ever had similar feelings and how did you reconcile them? I am planning to go and talk to a counselor because I just can't get past this and it is having an impact on my relationships with my family. Thank you for listening and I hope it wasn't too depressing to read.

 

April, :grouphug: I get it. I totally do. I am 40 also and I have struggled with a lot of similar thoughts for a while now. I am taking classes at college, which helps, and I challenge myself to learn new things and do new things. Those things do help, but I do often think I'm in a mid-life crisis, because things look attractive to me that amount to running away, just because I want something to be different and fresh. (I don't mean leaving my family or anything like that; just that I have fantasies like moving far away or selling our house to live mobile or other similar things where I can be out of my same situation.)

 

PM me if you want to talk more.

[G5052]

I had a mid-life baby, and she was my focus then, but now with teens my world is opening up again. I've always worked and homeschooled, and I can do more of that. I can take a class in the summer to improve my skills. I have time to read.

 

Indeed there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

[amyable]

I'll be 43 next month and I could have written your post word for word. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

No great advice, I'm still working through it all.

 

I just keep telling myself I'll make a great nanny someday...after I've had a few months to sit in a dark quiet room by myself and just be at peace. :lol:

[2squared]

I'm only 38 I feel very similar as the OP. I must be having my mid-life crisis early. There are so many things I would like to try or do, but $$$ is a problem. That's what I really struggle with. At this point in my life I didn't expect money to be so stressful. The last three years have put us in a tight financial spot (for us), and I'm not seeing relief for many years down the road.

 

I am now, for the first time in my adult life, jealous of other couples: jealous of their successes, jealous of their freedoms, and jealous of their seemingly easier lives. I'm really struggling to get past these feelings.

[Annie G]

I'm 50 and my youngest will graduate in May. Been homeschooling for 19 years. I know exactly how you feel. Dh values what I do- but when we go out with friends, I feel like everyone else is ranked by their career- and I'm at the bottom. Dh doesn't feel that way, and I value what I do, but it's no fun to be at an event where everyone is talking about their corporate jobs and even if I do chime in, what do I really have to add?

 

I'm currently deciding what to do when I grow up.

[Claire in NM]

I admire your commitment to your husband and children. It really does take a lot of time, energy, and money to invest in the lives of other people. However, your investment is not in a company or in a profession, but in people...the most important people in your life, your husband and children.

 

But your awareness of something lacking in your life is probably a wake up call to prepare for the next stage of your life. Now is the time to start reinventing yourself. It's like graduating from high school.

 

The sky's the limit!

 

Claire in NM

[blessedmom4god]

I'm only 38 I feel very similar as the OP. I must be having my mid-life crisis early. .

 

:iagree: But I am only 31. I have been feeling like this for about 5 months. I just can't seen to shake the feelings. At church one of the leader ask me about my skills besides teaching kids in kids church. I was like:001_huh: I feel like that is all the skills I have. It looks like dd11 doesn't want to go to school anytime soon, and that has me stressed that I don't have the skill to teach her math and science in HS. I have thought of taking some college classes so I could, but the thought of going to school and homeschooling seems impossible.

[Carol in Cal.]

I'm 50 and my youngest will graduate in May. Been homeschooling for 19 years. I know exactly how you feel. Dh values what I do- but when we go out with friends, I feel like everyone else is ranked by their career- and I'm at the bottom. Dh doesn't feel that way, and I value what I do, but it's no fun to be at an event where everyone is talking about their corporate jobs and even if I do chime in, what do I really have to add?

 

I'm currently deciding what to do when I grow up.

 

But you know, homeschooling classically has interesting subplots and things. It makes you a READER, in spades. You can discuss education theory and development AS WELL AS development of human thought.

 

Personally, in a career discussion setting if I felt at a loss I think I would focus on the development of human thought issue, come up with a thesis, and present it for discussion, more so than talk about which child has just learned her ABC's, just because it's less like bragging about the kiddos and more like considering something really interesting. OTOH, most of the people I know who know that I homeschool find it kind of impressive, so I haven't really been up against what you're talking about very much.

[Carol in Cal.]

:iagree: But I am only 31. I have been feeling like this for about 5 months. I just can't seen to shake the feelings. At church one of the leader ask me about my skills besides teaching kids in kids church. I was like:001_huh: I feel like that is all the skills I have. It looks like dd11 doesn't want to go to school anytime soon, and that has me stressed that I don't have the skill to teach her math and science in HS. I have thought of taking some college classes so I could, but the thought of going to school and homeschooling seems impossible.

 

Do you like to read? Just read then. Really, you don't have to take classes to learn some really cool stuff.

 

And I'll bet you have lots of skills, not all of which are directly useful in church. I have training and skill at chemistry. Can't say that that has EVER helped anyone at church.

[Catwoman]

...it's no fun to be at an event where everyone is talking about their corporate jobs and even if I do chime in, what do I really have to add?

 

Many of these women tend to think of stay-at-home moms as doing nothing but shopping and going out to lunch.

 

You can build on that. Make it sound like you don't have a care in the world except having fun and spending money. No worries about silly corporate meetings for a jetsetting mom like you. No getting up early and rushing off to work. Nope. It's all about the fun. And finishing up that doctorate you've been working on, just because you feel like it.

 

It may not cure a mid-life crisis, but it can make for an entertaining afternoon, when you know that at least a few of them will go home wishing they had your life... :D

[Lawana]

I haven't read any of the replies, but I feel the need to say that I completely understand where you are. Completely, and utterly, dependant on the good will of another. I left an engineering career, such as it was, to stay at home. Loss of earning equals loss of power. I wanted and needed to do what I did. Yet. The dependency is urgent. An utterly unyielding fact. I don't earn a living. I depend on another to provide the basics of life. If that "other" is reliable and trustworthy, it may all work out. If not, I am screwed. And yet. I learned that I could not be removed from my child for any length of time and still maintain the necessary connection.

 

All that to say. "Sister, I know where you are. I know the vulnerability. I don't know the answer, but I know the question."

[Osmosis Mom]

I had this sort of crisis a few years ago when oldet went to college and I decided to get another baby. Since then we have added one more baby and I am ready to send off second child to college. No more babies on the horizon. Instead then I have become very involved with some community work in our religious center and am also cultivating relationships with teenaged girls, sort of like a non-maternal counselor, and am starting to find a niche for myself that is not just homeschooling, being supermom or cooking and cleaning, hahah.

 

I am not sure I am going back to school, but think instead I will be doing more self-study and getting even busier helping and advising peers as needed. it would be nice to gt a paycheck, but right now then educating and sending off my kids will be a full time jon for another 15 years or so!!

[blessedmom4god]

Do you like to read? Just read then. Really, you don't have to take classes to learn some really cool stuff.

 

And I'll bet you have lots of skills, not all of which are directly useful in church. I have training and skill at chemistry. Can't say that that has EVER helped anyone at church.

 

Thanks, yes I do like to read. :001_smile:

[Garga]

April, your post is downright creepy. I could have written it word for word. I'm 39 and not hormonal at all. I am very level headed right now and unemotional about it, but all those things you said about you and your dh, could easily be said about me and mine. One doesn't have to be hormonal to realize that one's life isn't what one wants it to be.

 

With that said, I love this following advice:

 

 

Putting on my feminist hat for a moment, I have to ask...is it that you feel vulnerable? Because you are. If your DH decided to walk, you probably would not be able to continue to homeschool, and you would have difficulty supporting yourself. And chances are, although you would get spousal support for a time, your lifestyle and retirement would be severely impacted.

 

I hope that your marriage is not in trouble, but as I read your post I could not help wondering whether that was the subtext of your feelings.

 

Whether or not it is, I encourage you to do three things pretty intentionally.

 

One is to get in shape if you're not, and build a reasonably attractive wardrobe if you don't have one. It does wonders for your self-image to look confident and put together. And the 'getting in shape' is great for your health even more so than your looks. Respect yourself, and others will respect you even more. And if they don't, so what. You do, and that is really what counts.

 

The second is to focus on making your marriage very strong, even if it is. Pay attention to that!

 

The last is to make a list of everything you can ever remember being intensely interested in. Everything. Reflect on this over a period of time. What really floated your boat at each age of your life? What was the most interesting thing you did during your high school years? Your middle school years? Etc. Then pick one and study it thoroughly. You'll have an interest that takes you out of your own head, and gives you something to talk about with others, and who knows, maybe down the road when your children are more independent you will make something of this.

 

 

In the past few months I've sort of accidentally been following Carol's last bit of advice. On a whim, I started learning about photography (there's a little Photography club at church and they give free lessons/advice about it.) Turns out I just adore photography. I never knew!

 

And just this month I started a blog. I take a picture every day and then write about it in the blog. I can't begin to express to you what a dramatic change this has made in me. Turns out that not only do I love photography, but I loooooove writing. I feel like a whole new woman now that I'm using my new-found skills.

 

The issues that you and I have with our respective dh's are still there. And the serious ones ought to be addressed (like what would you do if your dh were suddenly gone and you had to support yourself.) But in the meanwhile, I would strongly advice searching until you find your passion.

 

Finding my creative outlets have changed how I view myself and it's given me a confidence and contentment that I don't think I've ever had before in my life.

[Little Nyssa]

You've gotten a lot of good advice, so here's a :grouphug:

[BMW]

Here's another :grouphug:. And another woman who has felt a lot of what you have shared. I am turning 43 this year. I signed up for a college level class once a week to get me out and to help me for this next stage of life.

 

I absolutely loved homeschooling. I loved watching my kids grow up and pouring myself out for them. But, they grew up and away (well, some are still hanging around and need me... a lot... lol). It can be a beautiful thing to realize that there is time for me to do some things I'd like to do now. So, I am taking one class at a time and looking at what the future may hold for me... It's okay to dream. It's okay to not want to be stereotyped. I have heard my share of "You are a saint!" "I could NEVER do that." "I don't have the patience with my two children that you have with yours!" etc., etc.

 

Hope that you've received lots of encouragement for this path. Part of it may be hormonal. Part of it may be simply wanting something for you that validate yourself outside of children. Whatever is going on... you are in VERY good company, if I do say so myself!

[annandatje]

Putting on my feminist hat for a moment, I have to ask...is it that you feel vulnerable? Because you are. If your DH decided to walk, you probably would not be able to continue to homeschool, and you would have difficulty supporting yourself. And chances are, although you would get spousal support for a time, your lifestyle and retirement would be severely impacted.

 

I hope that your marriage is not in trouble, but as I read your post I could not help wondering whether that was the subtext of your feelings.

 

Whether or not it is, I encourage you to do three things pretty intentionally.

 

One is to get in shape if you're not, and build a reasonably attractive wardrobe if you don't have one. It does wonders for your self-image to look confident and put together. And the 'getting in shape' is great for your health even more so than your looks. Respect yourself, and others will respect you even more. And if they don't, so what. You do, and that is really what counts.

 

The second is to focus on making your marriage very strong, even if it is. Pay attention to that!

 

The last is to make a list of everything you can ever remember being intensely interested in. Everything. Reflect on this over a period of time. What really floated your boat at each age of your life? What was the most interesting thing you did during your high school years? Your middle school years? Etc. Then pick one and study it thoroughly. You'll have an interest that takes you out of your own head, and gives you something to talk about with others, and who knows, maybe down the road when your children are more independent you will make something of this.

 

:iagree: The bolded was my gut response to original post.

 

It is no wonder that women experience this sort of crisis when they have devoted themselves to important work that is not valued financially in our society. Carol is right; it leaves us vulnerable and dependent to an extent upon our husbands' goodwill and commitment to intact family.

 

When we do work outside home, we often feel we are not giving our best to either paying work or to homemaking and homeschooling.

 

Remember that you do work full time as a teacher for a very small school.

 

As your kids become more and more independent, you can take grad school classes or online classes to work toward a career. At 40, you still are relatively young.

 

Do the brainy homeschool moms in your area hold salon type discussions? If so, these can be terrific sources of intellectual stimulation. Fighting for a cause is another great way to meet inspiring people.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I'll be 49 on Wednesday. I really understand how you feel. Hormones or not, that doesn't make it feel better.:grouphug: to you. I'm making notes.

[Heather in Neverland]

All I can say is that if you HAD gone the other route... Chosen the career path instead of the SAHM path... You would be having these same doubts about whether or not you made the right decision. The bummer is that we only get to do life once so you have to choose a path and start walking. Both paths are good paths but you really can only do one so the other one will always have that "glow of the unknown".

 

Ask me how I know. :glare:

[Guest]

Garga, your blog is fun! I have made a similar commitment to photography and I was already very interested in writing. :001_smile:

[butterflymommy]

I don't think you sound hormonal :). I see three main issues in your post-- 1 the SAHM - vs - career issue; 2 the social isolation/ introversion issue; 3 problems in your relationship with you DH. It might help to look at them all separately, because they may not be as intertwined as you think. For example, say you had a busy career-- you could still feel distant from your husband and have few friends.

 

Many women who SAHM feel as you do, in fact it's a reason so many return back to work once their children are in school. I know very few "career SAHMs" IRL who are in it for the longhaul, who don't work at least part time.

 

All I can say on this issue is that life is not perfect. Many (most?) people do not find themselves in the careers they dreamed of. Many people find themselves dependent on others and in less than ideal financial circumstances. It's very possible that if you were working, you would be longing to SAH with your kids. The grass is always greener on the other side.

 

Regarding the social isolation: homeschooling has also fed my introversion, and that of my children (the ones who are introverts anyway) and I am finding us increasingly isolated, to the point that it does feel like living under a rock. This bothers me tremendously but again, it's possible that they could be in school and be just as isolated. Those of us who were bullied in school know that school attendance does not guarantee a cornucopia of friends and happy social experiences. Likewise for you-- you could be working in a career yet feel still lonely, restless, and isolated.

 

I don't know what to say regarding your relationship with your husband, only you know what the strengths and weaknesses are there. Most couples grow apart over the years-- the fact that he has been successful while you "just" SAH is not necessarily the cause of it.

[Cathy in TX]

I went through the same thing a couple of years ago, feeling like homeschooling had become the sum total of my life. Truly I was in a rut and needed something that was mine apart from homeschooling and parenting. After lots of prayer, two opportunities opened up: coaching a homeschool cheerleading squad for a six-man football team, and joining the pit crew of my brother's desert racing team.

 

If someone had asked me what I expected as an answer to getting out of that rut, I never in a hundred years would have guessed these two activities. However, they both have been instrumental in bringing back my confidence and joy in life. So while you are looking for something to shake things up, don't forget to look outside the box as well as in it. And remember, sometimes a little change can make a big impact. The desert racing only happens a handful of weekends a year, but the excitement from those weekends lasts months.

 

(For the record, I am the non-technical person on the pit crew. :) My job entails taking care of the driver and co-driver when the car pits, feeding the rest of the pit crew, and assembling the 30 foot antenna on the long chase races.)

[Beth in OH]

Yet. The dependency is urgent. An utterly unyielding fact. I don't earn a living. I depend on another to provide the basics of life. If that "other" is reliable and trustworthy, it may all work out. If not, I am screwed. ...... "Sister, I know where you are. I know the vulnerability. I don't know the answer, but I know the question."

 

:iagree:I am 50. I was a lawyer before becoming a full-time parent. My faith led me to leave my wage earning job in order to raise a family. My faith is also seeing me through the vulnerability and leading me toward the next career.

[Colleen in NS]

:lurk5::lurk5::lurk5:

 

OP, thank you for opening this thread.

[Garga]

Garga, your blog is fun! I have made a similar commitment to photography and I was already very interested in writing. :001_smile:

 

Oh! Thanks Quill! I see you're in Carroll County. We are close to each other! (as you mentioned in the comment on the blog.)

 

You should come to photo club with me one day!