Anne in CA Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 For what it's worth, I believe you did the right thing. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: My husband's youngest brother was only able to change when all of his family made him unwelcome in their homes because he was a risk to their children. At that point he entered a rehab program for homeless people and turned his life completely around. He is now an amazing husband and father of three with a nice career. It could have happened sooner if his family had stuck to their guns sooner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 Oh mama :grouphug: I think you're probably doing the right thing too and agree that no one knows the situation better than you do. My only concern would be whether he might choose to go somewhere else for those two weeks--maybe to a friend who is a bad influence. Are you sure he's staying at the camp instead of coming home? If there's no chance he could go somewhere other than home or camp, then yes, I think you did the right thing. How very, very hard though :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I have not read all the replies but are you sure the holiday break is legit? I am born, bred, raised and married military. I have never heard of anyone getting a break from boot camp certainly not more than an overnight or weekend pass. If you are there for the holidays, you are stuck. I have had a child go through in just the last year and things were still the same so I would be questioning that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I'm going to disagree with the others. Sometimes a big dramatic gesture is the thing that saves people - especially young men. They need to know that "no means no" and some of them do. not. get. it. until you essentially whack them over the head with it. I had a friend who went through something similar last year who kicked her son out and stuck to her guns when her whole family wanted to keep enabling him. He turned the corner in a big way and he tells her now openly that what she did opened his eyes. Stay strong, Momma - and lots of hugs! :iagree: Sometimes it is the only thing they "listen" to. Personal experience confirms that it can be exactly what is needed, while still maintaining the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I think I have missed a lot of the details surrounding this situation. I read the original post, and it sounded like the ds was a bit of a party boy, but I didn't get the idea that he has had long-term problems with drugs, alcohol, or anything else. Also, I was thinking that he wouldn't have joined the army if he didn't want to straighten up. Can someone clue me in a bit? Although I told the OP in an earlier post that I would let him come home, but would also support her decision not to allow it because I felt she knew what was best for her own family, I feel like I may not have had enough information upon which to base my opinion. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hana Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I have not read all the replies but are you sure the holiday break is legit? I am born, bred, raised and married military. I have never heard of anyone getting a break from boot camp certainly not more than an overnight or weekend pass. If you are there for the holidays, you are stuck. I have had a child go through in just the last year and things were still the same so I would be questioning that. As others have posted, Army only does this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I haven't read the other replies, because I have to get off the computer, but I just wanted to say that I remember your posts from before he went into the military. It sounds like you're doing the necessary thing. :grouphug::grouphug: It's gotta be soooo hard for you to walk through this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 :grouphug: Would it be possible to go visit him for the day? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I think I have missed a lot of the details surrounding this situation. I read the original post, and it sounded like the ds was a bit of a party boy, but I didn't get the idea that he has had long-term problems with drugs, alcohol, or anything else. Also, I was thinking that he wouldn't have joined the army if he didn't want to straighten up. Can someone clue me in a bit? Although I told the OP in an earlier post that I would let him come home, but would also support her decision not to allow it because I felt she knew what was best for her own family, I feel like I may not have had enough information upon which to base my opinion. Thanks! There was more going on. I don't remember the exact situation, but it sounded pretty bad. If he didn't get into the army, it sounded like his life would have completely spiraled out of control in a very serious way. This is his one shot to really change, and not enough time has gone by for his mom to be able to relax on the consequences she'd laid out for him in the past. He hasn't proven himself yet, and to give in at this stage, might set him back again. He needs steady boundaries right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 Sometimes, tough love is the hardest love to give. Many :grouphug: to you. As homeschoolers, we pride oursleves on knowing our children best; this includes during the good times and the bad times. Only you know what's best for your son. Others may judge, but your decision is yours and yours alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I was a partier in highschool. Dh was too. Many of our friends went through rehab. A couple went into the military, it helped some, but for others it just pushed them further down a negative path. I had friends/my own siblings whose parents used tough love, I have friends/my siblings who were enabled. Some of us cleaned up and moved on. Each situation was different, each had a unique ending. There are only a few thoughts I would like to offer to you, no advice. At what point will he be given forgiveness for previous sins? Will it be a permanent (even if he is 40yo, retired military officer with a family) or do you see some point that you can forgive him in the future. If you can see this point, it should be clearly communicated to him. Set future goals, that you can both for see, and once you forgive, forgive freely (that doesn't include being blind). If he doesn't come home, where will he go? If he is still planning to visit, and decides to stay with friends, what influence will they have on him? Will they undo any positive progress he has made? Sometimes a visit to the 'old stomping ground' can break a person when it is too soon in a recovery period. If this is the case, I would try to discourage him from coming home at all. If anything changes, and you decide to let him come home (now or in the future), I would suggest talking about what your expectations are while he is here. Will he use the house as a hotel, coming and going at will? Or will you have specific rules/curfews/chores/family responsibilities, while he is there. Talk about details ahead of time, not once he is there. My mom is a notorious enabler, with unclear boundaries (you can't break a rule if there isn't one to break), and threats that didn't mean anything ('you will no longer be my child if you don't xyz'). My siblings know this and have never taken responsibility for their actions. They just wait until she forgives them, and they move back into old roles. One family I know who practiced tough love, pushed it too far and lost a wonderful son in the process. They were not reasonable about it, and were too legalistic. They destroyed the family bond and even now he has very deep scars from it. How, any family can find a balance of the two....I don't know. But, I would suggest finding a counselor for you, to discover what you want the future to look like and how you are both going to fit in it. For good, or bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doran5 Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I have a friend that just buried her 29yo ds after dying from liver failure due to drug and alcohol abuse. He lived in her home and she supported him. He had no license, no job, and no money. He would drink her beer, wine, or liquor if she did not buy him his own. She was afraid to be harden him because she thought he would just die under a bridge somewhere. Instead, he died in her home. I think that you did the right thing! When someone is given multiple opportunities to correct a problem and still don't do it, then you need to take a firm hand. It is hard to be without family on the holidays, and no mother wants to make their child spend it that way. But he knew the rules and broke them. Maybe on his next leave, he will be more respectful and sincere in his regret of his past actions. He is after all an example to his siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 . . . . At what point will he be given forgiveness for previous sins? . . . . I dont' think this has anything to do with "forgiviness", but everything to do with trust. trust has to be earned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edelweiss Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I think that you are absolutely doing the right thing, and I commend you for it. I know that it must be extremely difficult though. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I am one with older children. One of mine has had difficulties as an adult- not criminal but other difficulties. I don't know the prior story so I can't judge your actions. I do know that your rules seem to be structured more for a child still under your control. Cigarettes are legal for 18 year olds- this was something I had to acknowledge. I didn't like it and wouldn't allow any smoking in my house, on my property (like cars or outdoors) and the child had to shower if he had smoked. I also wouldn't fund it. I didn't worry about that example for my younger kids. They knew he sometimes smoked and they thought it was supremely stupid. Drinking is legal for 21 yo. So yes, my oldest does drink- very occasionally because of his financial state. He wasn't an alcoholic or doing destructive things so again I didn't see any reason to disallow. We are not an alcohol free household. So if those two things were the only problems, I would say you need to re-assess how to treat your adult children. However, you mentioned drugs. With the drugs I would have a huge problem. Even if I didn't think illegal drugs are very bad (and I do), I would still have to be draconian on anyone bringing in drugs into my house. Our whole income depends on my dh's job. His security clearances depend on such things as not having drugs in the house, amongst many other requirements. So I can't tell you what to do but do recommend that you look at situations in a slightly new light- you have two adult children and your relationship with them will be different since they have become adults. But I hope you realize that refusing to let your son come home for Christmas may well lead to never having much contact with him again. If he stays in the military he will probably move around and I know that if I was the person rejected, I would simply move on and not come back for a second rejection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I have a friend that just buried her 29yo ds after dying from liver failure due to drug and alcohol abuse. He lived in her home and she supported him. He had no license, no job, and no money. He would drink her beer, wine, or liquor if she did not buy him his own. She was afraid to be harden him because she thought he would just die under a bridge somewhere. Instead, he died in her home. I know of a man in his 40s who lived this life, only he waited until mom was on vacation, spent her money, wrecked her car, and then shot himself at the dinner table, leaving her to come home to a decomposing body. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 There was more going on. I don't remember the exact situation, but it sounded pretty bad. If he didn't get into the army, it sounded like his life would have completely spiraled out of control in a very serious way. This is his one shot to really change, and not enough time has gone by for his mom to be able to relax on the consequences she'd laid out for him in the past. He hasn't proven himself yet, and to give in at this stage, might set him back again. He needs steady boundaries right now. Thanks for the info -- I understand the situation much better now. It's a tough spot to be in, that's for sure. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I think you did the right thing. I'm so sorry you're going through this.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 :grouphug: To all the replies and :grouphug:to those who have had to deal with a child or sibling that pain to the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toawh Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 My middle son just called from Army Boot camp and said he was coming home for Christmas for 2 weeks. I had to tell him he could not. Besides all the things he got into during his younger teen years, in the last year he got into more trouble. The only reason he was not on the street was he made it into the Army and we knew he was leaving in November. He was given a final warning back in Aug. that if any drugs, alcohol, or smoking items or anything in relation to these were found on his self or in his room/bathroom he was to leave. I cleaned his room after he left for the Army and found items on the banned list. When he called and I told him why he could not come home he did not sound sorry just "Oh, those were from a while ago". I had to stay firm and said I loved him but he could not come home. I know I did the right thing but it still makes me feel ill. For the record, back in Aug. I gave him the opportunity to get rid of anything that would be considered on the banned list and after that day if I found anything he would be held accountable. If the items were before this he should have gotten rid of it and if after then he knew the consequences.My mom is upset with me, said it is a tough lesson for him to learn during the holidays. Sigh.... From my experiences, your choice makes me cringe. What do the things he got into in his young teen years have to do with inviting him home for Christmas? I think spending Christmas without one's family is a very tough thing to go through. He probably will feel that you don't love him. Why can't he come over provided he does not break any of your home rules while at your home? My father didn't approve of my brother's lifestyle and consequentially would not let him visit home years ago when he was first starting his own life. As a result my brother will not let my dad visit his house. To this day they are no speaking terms and it's tit for tat. The issues that originally separated them don't even exist. It's divided our whole family (or at least is partially to blame). As long as we hadn't left home yet he could not call us or see us. As soon as we left home we'd want to see him and then that would put us on bad terms with my dad. My brother does not want to hear my dad's name mentioned; my dad says horrible things about my brother to justify his decisions through the years. You don't even want to know how this has escalated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 From my experiences, your choice makes me cringe. What do the things he got into in his young teen years have to do with inviting him home for Christmas? I think spending Christmas without one's family is a very tough thing to go through. He probably will feel that you don't love him. Why can't he come over provided he does not break any of your home rules while at your home? My father didn't approve of my brother's lifestyle and consequentially would not let him visit home years ago when he was first starting his own life. As a result my brother will not let my dad visit his house. To this day they are no speaking terms and it's tit for tat. The issues that originally separated them don't even exist. It's divided our whole family (or at least is partially to blame). As long as we hadn't left home yet he could not call us or see us. As soon as we left home we'd want to see him and then that would put us on bad terms with my dad. My brother does not want to hear my dad's name mentioned; my dad says horrible things about my brother to justify his decisions through the years. You don't even want to know how this has escalated. It started as a young teen but continued till he left. 5 months ago I caught him in the act. We suspected him continuing months after that but we could not prove anything. We have given him many chances. The courts have given him a chance to change. The National Guard worked with him for 5 months to try and set him on a right path. This is not an adult who messed up as a young teen and we hold it against him. This is an adult who has repeatedly made poor choices since teenhood and when asked why he does this he responds "I want to". I am sorry your family has had to go through with that. These things are not just between child and parent but affects the whole family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry. I would be heartbroken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mycalling Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 I think you've made the right decision. It sounds like he repeated broke your house rules and put you all through a lot. Now as he's starting a new life as a man in the Army, you are setting a new precedent. Cave now weeks into it and he will not respect you any more now than he has in the past. This is a time for him to reflect and grow as a man, and men have bigger consequences than boys. To those who disagree with her choice: he's been gone for 2 weeks. I'm sure he hasn't experienced some major life transformation yet. He is also in one of the safest environments his mother could leave him in while being firm. He's well-fed and perfectly safe. As for it being a holiday...poor him. He surely didn't care whose holidays, birthdays, just plan ole day he ruined of his family's during everything he put them through until 2 measly weeks ago. ...I know that if I was the person rejected, I would simply move on and not come back for a second rejection.That's a bit dramatic...and, honestly, immature. If he fails to see the consequences he was warned about, he's got a lot more growing up to do. Once he does, I'm sure he'll be welcomed with opened arms by his family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 I think you've made the right decision. It sounds like he repeated broke your house rules and put you all through a lot. Now as he's starting a new life as a man in the Army, you are setting a new precedent. Cave now weeks into it and he will not respect you any more now than he has in the past. This is a time for him to reflect and grow as a man, and men have bigger consequences than boys. To those who disagree with her choice: he's been gone for 2 weeks. I'm sure he hasn't experienced some major life transformation yet. He is also in one of the safest environments his mother could leave him in while being firm. He's well-fed and perfectly safe. As for it being a holiday...poor him. He surely didn't care whose holidays, birthdays, just plan ole day he ruined of his family's during everything he put them through until 2 measly weeks ago. That's a bit dramatic...and, honestly, immature. If he fails to see the consequences he was warned about, he's got a lot more growing up to do. Once he does, I'm sure he'll be welcomed with opened arms by his family. Thank you:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Basic training is a really difficult environment. My friend (whose dh is career army) was telling me that when her son was at basic training they missed his first call home because they were speakig at a marriage retreat and didn't have cell phone service. When he was able to call them again, he cried because he couldn't reach them the first time. It is stressful and emotional. I would expect anyone in that situation to be pretty upset over being told they could not come home. That said, I have seen what drug and alcohol abuse can do to a family. I have seen soldiers who wound up in jail because they were so used to people covering for them and cutting them slack. That is why I said that I can see both sides. I sympathize with you. I am sure this was a terribly difficult decision. I agree with coming up with some steps he can take to earn your trust. That will let him know that you aren't completely rejecting him. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angela in GA Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 No clue why they get 2 weeks off during boot camp. Silly if you ask me. My dh was a Drill Sgt. for two years. They give the Privates 2 weeks off during boot camp to give the Drill Sgts. a break. Drill Sgts. work long hours. My dh worked in an OSUT unit...boot camp was 15 weeks long. He worked 7 days a week for the first 5 or 6 weeks, then he would occasionally have Sundays off. If all of the Privates stay at boot camp, those poor Drills will still have to work! Anyway, I'm sorry you are in this kind of situation. It stinks for all parties involved. If you were to let your son come home for Christmas, he would have to take a drug test once he returned to his unit. Even my dh, who has been in the Army for 15 years, has to take a drug test every time he returns from leave. He was just home from Afghanistan for 2 weeks. One of the first things he did when he got back to country was take a drug test. So, anyway, you seem pretty firm in your decision, no matter what kind of advice you receive, so I won't say anymore. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 If you were to let your son come home for Christmas, he would have to take a drug test once he returned to his unit. Even my dh, who has been in the Army for 15 years, has to take a drug test every time he returns from leave. He was just home from Afghanistan for 2 weeks. One of the first things he did when he got back to country was take a drug test. So, anyway, you seem pretty firm in your decision, no matter what kind of advice you receive, so I won't say anymore. :-) That seems like it would make things worse--to go home, possibly fall into his old ways, go back to basic and then be drug tested and probably kicked out? Then what would he have? Failure at home, failure at boot camp, no more potential for the military to help get him on the straight and narrow. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. If his only other option is to stay at boot camp, I think he's safest there. He has no chance to stray from the path he's on, and I think that's a good thing, albeit very difficult for everyone. But rehab of any kind is rarely easy :( Poor boy, and poor mama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 As others have posted, Army only does this. Ooops. I have had experince with Air Force, Navy, Coast Guards and Marines. Who would have guessed the Army would be different? The other braches boot camps are not so long though so maybe that is why the difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caedmyn Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 I'm sorry:grouphug: It certainly sounds to me like you are doing the right thing, especially if he's only been gone for two weeks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 Basic training is a really difficult environment. My friend (whose dh is career army) was telling me that when her son was at basic training they missed his first call home because they were speakig at a marriage retreat and didn't have cell phone service. When he was able to call them again, he cried because he couldn't reach them the first time. It is stressful and emotional. Just to clarify, he was at a National Guard program for 5 months and we did not hear from him for over a month. It was run at a stricter level then boot camp since half the young men there were prison bound if they put one toe out of line. This just to say he is not new to separation from the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 More info...He was in a National Guard camp for 5 months, run very strict, half the young men were jail bound if they cut up. He did great. When it was over he went back to his old ways. No change. I know he is in the military and things happen. The truth is he would be worse off if he was on his own. The dangers to his lifestyle has just a high chance of something happening. As for him coming to visit and stay with relatives, we moved to another state, our family is in Louisiana. He has no money. Yes, he earned some in boot camp but he has been there for 2 weeks so not much is in his account. So no hotel. He won't be alone. He will be with other young men who will be staying in camp. For us and the history with this son, this was the right decision at this time. Thank you for the hugs from those who agree and I do value the opinions of those who did not agree. I have t young ones to protect and it may not be right for all but for us it is what I need to do. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 People with drug and alcohol addictions are experts at lying and manipulation. It seems that you, as parents, are very familiar with these patterns. One time, I let my cousin come to a Christmas gathering at my house because I was guilted into it because she wouldn't have any other chance to see her children at the holidays. She came to my house, spent no time at all with her children, spent most of the time outside on smoking and talking on her cell phone. When I was cleaning up from the party, I found that all the Chanukah cards for nieces and nephews I'd written out and put gift cards in were all gone, along with a brand new roll of stamps. These things were on my desk in the office, where people were putting their coats. You cannot let someone who has not truly demonstrated a sustained change guilt you into anything. Yes, something terrible could happen to him in the army, and you might regret this decision. You might regret it even more if you give in, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edelweiss Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 I think you've made the right decision. It sounds like he repeated broke your house rules and put you all through a lot. Now as he's starting a new life as a man in the Army, you are setting a new precedent. Cave now weeks into it and he will not respect you any more now than he has in the past. This is a time for him to reflect and grow as a man, and men have bigger consequences than boys. To those who disagree with her choice: he's been gone for 2 weeks. I'm sure he hasn't experienced some major life transformation yet. He is also in one of the safest environments his mother could leave him in while being firm. He's well-fed and perfectly safe. As for it being a holiday...poor him. He surely didn't care whose holidays, birthdays, just plan ole day he ruined of his family's during everything he put them through until 2 measly weeks ago. That's a bit dramatic...and, honestly, immature. If he fails to see the consequences he was warned about, he's got a lot more growing up to do. Once he does, I'm sure he'll be welcomed with opened arms by his family. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 I'm so sorry. How incredibly tough. I hope that someday this will be a distant memory and you can welcome him home for the holidays with joy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mosaicmind Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Wow!!! My son just graduated from Airforce BMT and I would have never told him he could not come home. That time with you maybe what he will need to get through basic; I know I have been there too. I also know of someone in BMT that had died while we were there, and unfortunate accident but those parents will never see him or her again. I guess if it had been just a normal leave and not during the holidays I may feel differently but I can't imagine what it will be like for him to have to stay there over the holidays. I have to agree with some other posters that I would never forgive myself if anything happened to my son and I told him he couldn't come home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 My heart is breaking for you. I worry that I might have to make these decisions one day with one of my children. Some people will never understand the position this poor mother is in. He's only been gone 2 weeks, for one thing the wounds he left are still very, very raw. The younger children are influenced by the older they do need protection and time to heal. If he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to begin acting like one and that means he needs to accept responsibility for his actions, face his consequences, and respect the people around him. :grouphug: to you mom! I really do get this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Some people will never understand the position this poor mother is in. I definitely do. One of my sisters went through drug addiction and rehab. My mom did not handle it well at all and it created permanent distance between them. I wasn't suggesting that she let him come home. My suggestion was to lay out steps for him to earn their trust back and be allowed to come home. If he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to begin acting like one and that means he needs to accept responsibility for his actions, face his consequences, and respect the people around him. But, what does this look like? The parents need to figure that out and communicate it to their son. Otherwise, it feels like rejection and nothing else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 I definitely do. One of my sisters went through drug addiction and rehab. My mom did not handle it well at all and it created permanent distance between them. I wasn't suggesting that she let him come home. My suggestion was to lay out steps for him to earn their trust back and be allowed to come home. But, what does this look like? The parents need to figure that out and communicate it to their son. Otherwise, it feels like rejection and nothing else. I agree with this. He does need some steps, but I think maybe the parents might need some time. It's only been 2 weeks after years of going through this. I understand that they are just not ready yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jplain Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 To the OP, many :grouphug:. I know this is a heartbreaking situation. Try not to second-guess yourself. The truth is that it is impossible to know whether you're doing the right thing except in hindsight. It sounds like you have reason to be very cautious and skeptical. I dont' think this has anything to do with "forgiviness", but everything to do with trust. trust has to be earned. Right. However, here is some food for thought: At what point does the statute of limitations expire for things that this young man did before entering the Army? If another stash of contraband is found in a closet before his next leave, will it be tough love time again? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 OP - Just wanted to add another :grouphug: to the thread and reiterate that I think you are doing a great job. I think some of our hardest choices as parents can feel wrong at the time because of the "mommy' instinct we have - but that instinct needs to be shoved to the side - especially at times like this. Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheApprentice Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 OP -:grouphug:. It's easy to say what you should do or what I would never do. But you've lived through this and you know your son; plus you have other children to consider. I'm so sorry that you have to make this choice. You sound like you are doing this from a place of love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 My heart is breaking for you. I worry that I might have to make these decisions one day with one of my children. Some people will never understand the position this poor mother is in. He's only been gone 2 weeks, for one thing the wounds he left are still very, very raw. The younger children are influenced by the older they do need protection and time to heal. If he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to begin acting like one and that means he needs to accept responsibility for his actions, face his consequences, and respect the people around him. :grouphug: to you mom! I really do get this! Um, yeah, I get it, I've lived and am living through it and I still wouldn't make that decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 However, here is some food for thought: At what point does the statute of limitations expire for things that this young man did before entering the Army? If another stash of contraband is found in a closet before his next leave, will it be tough love time again? If more stuff is found I would not add to the offense but it would seal the deal on him being allowed to stay here while on leave. To visit, sure, provided he has shown some change. The change will be seen in how he talks to us and how well he is doing in the Army. If he gets in trouble there then he will have to start over to prove himself with us. Actually we have had many discussions about what we expect from him. Back in Aug when he was about to be street bound and we let him stay till the Army. He knew then he was not going to be welcome back unless he changed. He showed no remorse for the stuff I found and only wants to come home so he won't be bored those 10 days during Christmas. A person who for years has said he cannot wait to leave this F* house and who said during his good bye speech he was not coming back he if he could help it is not someone who really wants to come home for family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 My only question is, if he can't come home, does he have to stay on base? Or could he check himself out on leave and go somewhere else and get in more trouble? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomandlorih Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 If more stuff is found I would not add to the offense but it would seal the deal on him being allowed to stay here while on leave. To visit, sure, provided he has shown some change. The change will be seen in how he talks to us and how well he is doing in the Army. If he gets in trouble there then he will have to start over to prove himself with us. Actually we have had many discussions about what we expect from him. Back in Aug when he was about to be street bound and we let him stay till the Army. He knew then he was not going to be welcome back unless he changed. He showed no remorse for the stuff I found and only wants to come home so he won't be bored those 10 days during Christmas. A person who for years has said he cannot wait to leave this F* house and who said during his good bye speech he was not coming back he if he could help it is not someone who really wants to come home for family. YIKES! :grouphug: Stick to your guns momma! and more :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomandlorih Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 My only question is, if he can't come home, does he have to stay on base? Or could he check himself out on leave and go somewhere else and get in more trouble? No worries there.. You might pull stuff at home and show no remorse but I can guarantee you the army won't put up with it and I'm betting he knows it.. If not.. he will.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 My only question is, if he can't come home, does he have to stay on base? Or could he check himself out on leave and go somewhere else and get in more trouble? I think they are free to go where they want, it would be their leave. And yes he could go somewhere else and get into trouble or come home, hook up with his pals and get into trouble. He could even stay on base and get into trouble. Being home has never kept him out of trouble so I don't think it would start now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I'm going to disagree with the others. Sometimes a big dramatic gesture is the thing that saves people - especially young men. They need to know that "no means no" and some of them do. not. get. it. until you essentially whack them over the head with it. I had a friend who went through something similar last year who kicked her son out and stuck to her guns when her whole family wanted to keep enabling him. He turned the corner in a big way and he tells her now openly that what she did opened his eyes. Stay strong, Momma - and lots of hugs! I would think his big, dramatic gesture was joining the United States Army. He cannot do drugs in the US Army and they have a way to get folks the help that they need. Right now, I would think he would need the love from his family and an opportunity to show the "new" him after he has been beat down and built back up after basic training. Do you know what he went through during basic and survived? Does that not warrant some kind of welcome home and thankfulness that he is willing to serve his country? I think you did the wrong thing. Let the boy come home and be his support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 When my little brother left for boot camp 11 years ago, he was a foul mouthed, partying, disrespectful idiot who thought he knew it all. He still came home for Christmas. He has grown into a wonderful man who is my best friend in the world. He left yesterday for his 3rd deployment. This will be his 3rd Christmas away at war. I would give anything for him to be home for Christmas, and I know my mom would too. I'm not trying to guilt you, OP, and only you know your son and the situation. I wish you the best. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Down_the_Rabbit_Hole Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 I would think his big, dramatic gesture was joining the United States Army. He cannot do drugs in the US Army and they have a way to get folks the help that they need. Right now, I would think he would need the love from his family and an opportunity to show the "new" him after he has been beat down and built back up after basic training. Do you know what he went through during basic and survived? Does that not warrant some kind of welcome home and thankfulness that he is willing to serve his country? I think you did the wrong thing. Let the boy come home and be his support. I know his reasons for joining and they were not a big dramatic gesture. Do you really believe no one in the military does drugs? Sure they will get caught but it is there. He was gone a total of 10 days when he called. He has not gone through boot camp yet, in fact the first week was processing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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