What would you do if your husband INSISTED on ps?

[Alicia64]

This question isn't for me. My dh is 100 percent on board w/ hs.

 

But a dear, wonderful friend of mine is being told by an authoritative husband, "The kids need to learn to toughen up. They're weird. They need to be in school to learn what life is like. This homeschooling thing has gone on too long already."

 

The kids aren't weird. They're wholesome, sweet, and kind. One is a bit quirky but in a totally cool way from an adult's perspective -- a way that the kids at ps won't understand. My friend is worried that her sweet kids will be eaten alive.

 

My friend taught middle school and knows what ps can be like. Her kids are 9, 10 and 11.

 

Also, she believes that the wife should allow the husband to make these kind of decisions. But she is in a total panic about putting them into ps come Sept.

 

This might be the point in her marriage where she goes to the mat and fights w/ her dh. I don't know. Or she may end up sending them to ps. I repeat: she's in a total panic and very, very sad.

 

Any advice? (He won't listen to a doctor. I don't know what he'd do w/ a pastor's advice, but it's possible that he doesn't think anyone is as smart as he is.)

 

I'm never sure what to say to her. One more repeat: she's really sweet, gentle and kind. A great mom. (Her kids reflect the time she's invested in them all these years.)

 

Alley

[Jean in Newcastle]

While I don't think that middle school is considered the best time to put them into ps, I don't think it is the worst thing ever for kids to be public schooled either.

 

I think in her case, I would say, "I understand your wanting them to be in public school as they get older. But middle school is an especially difficult time socially. Could we wait until each of them start high school?" Maybe that would be a compromise that would work for both of them.

[Night Elf]

Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where the marriage could be affected. If it were me, I would put the kids in ps, but continue asking for respectful discussions to keep the lines of communication open. He might find that having the kids in school isn't what he expected. But I simply cannot imagine trying to homeschool if my DH was 100% against it.

[justamouse]

Then it's time to go to the mat.

 

There are times to be peaceable, I agree, but when I believe my kids are going to be harmed emotionally, then it's a no go. There are no do overs with them, you get one shot and I'm not going to sacrifice their well being over making peace with a patriarchal Dh.

Edited November 25, 2011 by justamouse

[Shellers]

I think she should try and compromise. Maybe she could agree to send them to high school.

[kwg]

I'd probably say, " You get that ball rolling hon." And I would have no idea where to start. none. at.all.

 

That is prob all it would take in my house :lol:

[Veritaserum]

Then it's time to go to the mat.

 

There are times to be peaceable, I agree, but when I believe my kids are going to be harmed emotionally, then it's a no go. There are no do overs with them, you get one shot and I'm not going to sacrifice their well being over making peace with a patriarchal Dh.

 

:iagree: I've fought dh and changed his mind over a few key child-related issues. He always started at the mainstream position and I knew the alternative was the safer or better choice for our kids, so I didn't go along with what he wanted. There was friction for a period of time while we hashed it out (a week or less), but he always changed his mind and came to agree with me.

 

Our marriage would NOT survive if I let him have his way over everything despite my strong opposition to his preference. I would hate him and myself. Marriage over.

[Cassy]

I can't imagine ever being married to a man who would care so little about my concerns and what is important to me. However, if I were married to such a man, and in the situation your friend is in, I would do as he asked. I would hope that in the end he would back down, or the kids would persuade him that it was the wrong thing to do, but I wouldn't fight him and put my marriage in jeopardy. I believe that kids need both their parents to be a strong, united presence in their lives, more even than they need the benefits of homeschooling.

[LittleIzumi]

Then it's time to go to the mat.

 

There are times to be peaceable, I agree, but when I believe my kids are going to be harmed emotionally, then it's a no go. There are no do overs with them, you get one shot and I'm not going to sacrifice their well being over making peace with a patriarchal Dh.

 

:iagree: But I am not really the submissive type (and would not marry a patriarchal type).

[Mandy in TN]

While I don't think that middle school is considered the best time to put them into ps, I don't think it is the worst thing ever for kids to be public schooled either.

 

I think in her case, I would say, "I understand your wanting them to be in public school as they get older. But middle school is an especially difficult time socially. Could we wait until each of them start high school?" Maybe that would be a compromise that would work for both of them.

:iagree:

 

As I have said in the past, I would not home educate if my husband were adamantly against it. However, before I tossed them in ps, I would expect respectful, logical dialog where I kept an open mind while he explained why he thought this was best educationally, emotionally, and socially for the kids as individuals and for our family as a unit. I would also expect for him to keep an open mind while I explained my position.

 

Ultimately, for me my marriage would come before home education. Home education isn't the only way to educate. OTOH- if dh felt strongly that Doodle needed to go to a traditional classroom next year, I would be looking at jobs to pay for private school.

 

HTH-

Mandy

[AimeeM]

Here, both parents have to sign off on a child homeschooling. Period. So I'm not sure there would be a battle.

That doesn't change if the parents divorce over this (which would be ridiculous).

 

IMO - homeschooling isn't a hill I would allow my marriage to die on. My children's education is important, but not more important than my marriage. A year or two in school (if it sucks) won't kill them. Dad will notice if it's a horrible experience. If it's a great experience, no issue.

 

Let's look at this from another angle.

 

Many moms pull their children from PS to homeschool. Many of us insist it is right for our children, putting up an initial fight to our spouse, because of a negative experience in PS.

In this case, we have the same situation; only reversed. Dad sees something he doesn't like in the homeschooling, so he wants to try something different.

 

These are his children too.

[Jennifer3141]

Then it's time to go to the mat.

 

There are times to be peaceable, I agree, but when I believe my kids are going to be harmed emotionally, then it's a no go. There are no do overs with them, you get one shot and I'm not going to sacrifice their well being over making peace with a patriarchal Dh.

 

 

True for me, as well. :)

[StephanieZ]

What would I do?

 

Insist otherwise, and just go ahead with what I thought was best. I would give him a fair hearing, but I am the primary care taker, and thus, at the end of the day, I am the final decision maker.

 

Thankfully, my dh respects my wisdom in these realms and also happens to agree with me the vast majority of the time, but of we weren't of one mind, I'd just exert my authority.

 

Fwiw, I am aghast at the reference to authoritarian HUSBANDS. How archaic.

[NanceXToo]

It doesn't really matter what I would do, because you said she is the kind of woman who believes husbands should get to make these choices so she will probably give in to him. Perhaps the kindest thing you can do is help her understand that millions of kids go to public school and many do turn out fine and help her brainstorm ways she can prepare them, help them cope with situations that might come up, work now on various confidence building techniques, etc, and suggest she talk to her husband about a compromise where they try it his way but if public school seems to be having a negative impact on their children in any way, including their self esteem, they come back home?

[higginszoo]

I would probably look at charter school options (smaller, often but not always a bit better with the usual middle school junk), and I would also put it in his court to get them registered, etc. and deal with all of the school stuff, since it's important to him, not me. My older dc were in ps before. While there were good things about it, it became obvious that it's not ideal for our dc. My older dd wants to go back for high school, and she's at a point where she's competent enough to make that decision, though we will put provisions on it to make sure that she makes the most of what educational resources are available to her there.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Wow- Add this to another what I am thankful for! My dh is completely in agreement with homeschooling.

 

 

What are her reasons for homeschooling? Are they Christians who don't want a secular education? Is it purely academic/social reasons?

 

Maybe they both could visit the local middle school and sit in some of the classes their dc would be in? And be in the hall during class change (I know my ears as an adult would bleed if I heard NOW what I heard in middle school as a public schooler during class change.)

 

How are the academics at the PS? Maybe they could do testing with them to see if her dc are advanced and would be held back academically?

 

I am lost. I don't know what I would do in this situation. Is he at all willing to discuss this?

 

Does she live in an area where her dc can do some public school classes? Would he compromise like that? Here we are allowed to enroll in as many or few classes as we would like. Maybe if she enrolled them in art, music and another elective- or math or something they could compromise?

 

 

He called his own children weird??? :crying: Wow. What does he want? Them to be disrespectful with dirty mouths? Would that make them 'not weird'?

 

:grouphug: to your friend

Edited November 25, 2011 by wy_kid_wrangler04

[lllll]

..

Edited December 24, 2012 by ksva

[elegantlion]

I can't imagine being married to a man that didn't take my experience and opinion into account. My dh briefly mentioned sending ds to school for one year, just to get the school experience. After a few deep breaths I laid out my case, including messing up my long term plan. He never brought it up again.

 

I would not kowtow to his expectations without a long logical discussion. If he could come up with a better argument than kids being "weird" I'd consider his request.

 

I watched a movie called The Switch last night. Cute story (but not for little kids) where one man saw a child's personality quirks as deficits, something to overcome. Another man saw the same child as introspective and his quirkiness as a good thing. My real concern would be that this man sees his children with some deficit that can somehow be corrected by going to public school. Quirky kids are still quirky kids, even in public school.

 

I would NOT change the education of my child just to placate my dh's dislike/disapproval of my child's inherent personality.

[Caitilin]

Honestly, I cannot fathom this. I think I'd leave my husband. I would put my kids in school for a good reason (such as we direly need more money and I need to work, or I dropped dead). But the reasons he states aren't good enough. I'd consider it an insult towards me for all the years of effort I put into homeschooling.

 

Totally. I would get a new husband.;) I would not take this kindly.

[celticmom]

My dh was not initially onboard with homeschooling but we both agreed that the ps in our area was not an option (our state is consistently one of the worst performing in the nation). Dh wanted dd to go to a private school that would have been a significant drive everyday. I simply made it clear that if he insisted that dd go the school the ball would be completely in his court. He would have to transport her to and from school daily. He would have to get her up dressed and ready every morning (and she is a major grouch if awakened before she is ready). He would would have to handle all registration, paperwork, parent teacher meetings and other school related things (including explaining exactly where she learned any words she picked up from him that I had been telling him not to use since she was concieved). Dh knows me well enough to know that I meant every word and that I would hold him responsible if anything went wrong. I will however add that I am not in the least submissive.

[Cassy]

Yeah, I don't understand why this is not a hill to die on. It's not just about the kids it is also a lot about me. I've grown rather fond of homeschooling. It's almost become like my profession. He would be putting me into a position of worrying about my kids, forcing me to deal with the public schools (can't stand their rules, schedules, and other crap), AND taking away something that I have done daily for years that I thoroughly enjoy.

 

I could not take that lightly. It doesn't mean I wouldn't seriously consider any concerns he has about it, but if he just suddenly announced he doesn't like how things are going and he doesn't care how I feel about that...:glare:

 

For me, I think I'm just not that personally invested in homeschooling. I regularly fantasise about all the things I want to do when I finally get the last one into our local secondary school (another seven years away).

 

Thinking about, all I'd really have to say to DH, if he started pushing for me to put them back in school, is "How lovely! I'll have so much more time to go shopping!" :lol: I sometimes wonder whether that's one of the reasons he's so supportive of homeschooling :D.

[MollyAnn]

There is nothing to do... this man does not respect his wife or children in any way, and she believes he is more important then her.

We can all make suggestions on how she can approach her husband but she won't and even if she did, he wouldn't listen.

Some one before me suggested trying to help her and the kids adjust and maybe helping her find a charter school, that is probably the only thing that can be done.

 

Personally I can not imagine living with a husband like this and standing by while he treated my kids with such disrespect, just the thought of it is making me angry on behalf of her children.

[AimeeM]

I personally believe that my husband has just as much a right to make these decisions as I do - and that he is just as capable.

Frankly, I cringe at those who take homeschooling so heavily that it DOES become a hill they would allow their MARRIAGE to die on. As much as I'm not a fan of public school; millions of children have successfully graduated from them for many years.

It sounds to me like many here feel that they are the final authority with their children. Not so different, really, than the husband in this case being authoritarian in his desire for the child to attend school.

Perhaps I'm jaded because it's a non issue in my state. BOTH parents must agree and sign off on it. Generally, if divorce happens and it is taken to court, the judge sides with the norm (ps).

Yeah, I don't understand why this is not a hill to die on. It's not just about the kids it is also a lot about me. I've grown rather fond of homeschooling. It's almost become like my profession. He would be putting me into a position of worrying about my kids, forcing me to deal with the public schools (can't stand their rules, schedules, and other crap), AND taking away something that I have done daily for years that I thoroughly enjoy.

 

I could not take that lightly. It doesn't mean I wouldn't seriously consider any concerns he has about it, but if he just suddenly announced he doesn't like how things are going and he doesn't care how I feel about that...:glare:

[Guest submarines]

:iagree: I've fought dh and changed his mind over a few key child-related issues. He always started at the mainstream position and I knew the alternative was the safer or better choice for our kids, so I didn't go along with what he wanted. There was friction for a period of time while we hashed it out (a week or less), but he always changed his mind and came to agree with me.

 

Our marriage would NOT survive if I let him have his way over everything despite my strong opposition to his preference. I would hate him and myself. Marriage over.

 

:iagree:

[elegantlion]

I personally believe that my husband has just as much a right to make these decisions as I do - and that he is just as capable.

Frankly, I cringe at those who take homeschooling so heavily that it DOES become a hill they would allow their MARRIAGE to die on. As much as I'm not a fan of public school; millions of children have successfully graduated from them for many years.

It sounds to me like many here feel that they are the final authority with their children. Not so different, really, than the husband in this case being authoritarian in his desire for the child to attend school.

Perhaps I'm jaded because it's a non issue in my state. BOTH parents must agree and sign off on it. Generally, if divorce happens and it is taken to court, the judge sides with the norm (ps).

 

My dh does not have as much say in the educational decision of my ds. He and I agreed that this would be my job 8 years ago. I see it as my job. Dh, because of his work, is involved but not a teacher at our school. He relies on me to give the educational feedback. He sees little of the day-to-day interaction. He continually compliments me on my efforts.

 

If he stated much of the what OP listed, it would be like he was saying I should be fired, he didn't appreciate my efforts, and he didn't like our children. To me, it wouldn't be simply about the education. It would be about the mutual appreciation for what I spend my time doing. It would also depend on if this was an out of the blue statement, or if he had broaching the subject for years.

 

Marriage is about mutual appreciation, not just doing what one deems best for all. That's what would bother me about this scenario.

[clarkacademy]

I think I would tell him to find a good lawyer. I know terrible of me but the children are mine always have been. I will never have never bend to someone telling me what to do with my kids. Not their father, not his family or mine. It was established when the first child was born, they are mine all choices all everything is on me and you may share your opinion when I ask and only then.

 

His family thought me to be joking. They have not seen my oldest two in many years and never have seen the youngest two. I find it has really taken away alot of hassles that other women have with in laws and all that. I could never imagine living in a world where my husband dictated like that to me. It seems horrible.

 

I would also flip out if someone (their father) said they were weird. That is horrible too. I wouldn't want anyone around the kids that felt that way. It just seems like a waste of life to have your husband treat you as a child.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I would send them to ps. I would get super involved in the classroom and volunteer for whatever I could and then I would afterschool them and holiday school them so that maybe he could see things differently. But I would never home school if my dh was against it.

[Harriet Vane]

While I don't think that middle school is considered the best time to put them into ps, I don't think it is the worst thing ever for kids to be public schooled either.

 

I think in her case, I would say, "I understand your wanting them to be in public school as they get older. But middle school is an especially difficult time socially. Could we wait until each of them start high school?" Maybe that would be a compromise that would work for both of them.

 

:iagree:

 

Another option is to try to negotiate for a private school--sometimes a smaller setting can be gentler. (Not always though.)

 

While there are many things I don't like about public schools, I do think it's possible to have a positive experience. If my dh felt that strongly, I would focus on negotiating for a positive experience--timing entry into public school as ideally as possible or considering a smaller school. I would also focus my efforts on how my own involvement as a parent can ease things and would try to get the kids excited about some of the extracurricular options available to them in that setting.

[Mommyfaithe]

Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where the marriage could be affected. If it were me, I would put the kids in ps, but continue asking for respectful discussions to keep the lines of communication open. He might find that having the kids in school isn't what he expected. But I simply cannot imagine trying to homeschool if my DH was 100% against it.

 

I would do this too....but since it is him that wants them there...it will e him to take them in, sign them up, pay for the extras, go in for the parent/ teacher conferences etc. Any problems for school will be in his park....with the door open to homeschool again if the result is not what he expected. I would continue to do my part as far as education goes...helping with homework, studying, having cookies all ready when they get home...but any dealing with the school itself....his area.

 

Faithe

[Mommyfaithe]

I would send them to ps. I would get super involved in the classroom and volunteer for whatever I could and then I would afterschool them and holiday school them so that maybe he could see things differently. But I would never home school if my dh was against it.

 

See, I would ask dh if he was willing to do all these things...IOW....you want them there...this is the package.

 

Faithe

[Parker Martin]

My husband isn't like that, so it's hard to relate, but I would put my marriage before my kids' education. A broken marriage is generally a lot tougher for a kid to go through than public school.

 

However, I don't think this is really a public school or divorce situation. If they're talking about September, that is a LONG way away. She has plenty of time to persuade him. If I were her, I wouldn't go for direct argumentation. I'd use the tactic of questions.

 

"I can see that sending the kids to school is something you think is very important. What do you think they'll gain from this experience?"

"You say the kids seem weird. What do you mean by "weird?" Do you mean that they aren't followers of the popular culture? Do you think that's bad? Do you mean that you think they lack social skills? I wonder if there are other ways that they could gain these skills apart from tossing out all the benefits we've seen from homeschooling. What do you think? We had tons of weird kids at my school growing up, did you?"

 

And on and on and on. For nine months. He's likely to come around if he's being illogical.

 

In the meantime I would be researching local schools like crazy. Visit them. Find the best. Then if it really does come down to "Get them in school or ELSE!" there's already a plan in place and a familiar school where the kids can be sent.

[Plucky]

My dh is very pro-hsing now, but there was a time when I was burnt out and he was stressed & wanted the kids in ps. I just told him I would only consider private school. He conceded, and we continued hsing. One parent does not get to make all the choices without regard to the other parent.

[Elizabeth in WA]

Huh. Well, I don't think public school is the end of the world. My kids have been there and would go back if I thought it would be better for them than staying home at some time in the future. In fact, I do use the public higher ed system - community college - for my oldest and plan to for each of them as they turn 16.

 

On the other hand, I am "wierd" and so a man terribly concerned about his kids being outside the norm is unlikely to have married me, a women who tends to be outside the norm. If I somehow found myself in this situation, being treated as though I, the primary caretaker, could not make good decisions regarding my children's education might be a hill I'd divorce on. If the mom in question believes in patriachal family structure, then, well, this is where the rubber meets the road on that.

 

The closest I have ever been to this situation was when my oldest was a baby and my husband caved to hs mothers horror at my plans and announced that the baby was not going to sleep in our bed. I said that then he'd have to get up and bring me the baby every time he cried at night. The baby was sleeping in our bed with no fuss inside a week, and he never even considered that the others might sleep elsewhere as babies. Your rules; your problem; you deal with it. The translation there might be, you want them in public school, you make it happen, deal with the homework, and attend the parent-teacher conferences, back-to-school nights, etc.

[elegantlion]

See, I would ask dh if he was willing to do all these things...IOW....you want them there...this is the package.

 

Faithe

 

that's the other thing I meant to put in my post. Dh wouldn't have the time to deal with all the red tape and "stuff" from the school. I would be the one dealing with, probably while trying to work part-time as well. I have a low tolerance for bs and bureaucracy. So I'd be working, dealing with the school, helping with homework, and still be doing the majority of household duties. Not that it can't be done, but I get stressed easily. Homeschooling actually helps me keep my sanity in check. :D

 

It would probably take about a month and dh would be begging me to homeschool again.

[melissel]

I personally believe that my husband has just as much a right to make these decisions as I do - and that he is just as capable.

Frankly, I cringe at those who take homeschooling so heavily that it DOES become a hill they would allow their MARRIAGE to die on. As much as I'm not a fan of public school; millions of children have successfully graduated from them for many years.

It sounds to me like many here feel that they are the final authority with their children. Not so different, really, than the husband in this case being authoritarian in his desire for the child to attend school.

Perhaps I'm jaded because it's a non issue in my state. BOTH parents must agree and sign off on it. Generally, if divorce happens and it is taken to court, the judge sides with the norm (ps).

 

I do feel that I'm the final authority on what's best for my children, because I'm the one taking care of them nearly 24/7. I know their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs better than anyone else does, including my DH. This is not to say that he doesn't love them deeply and isn't capable of providing valuable input--of course he does, and of course he is. But he's not the one here every day, not the one having heart-to-heart talks with other moms about what the PSs are like, not the one seeing what other kids are doing, saying, bringing home, etc.

 

I would love for my DH to go back to school to get his MBA. His income and job affect our whole family. But I would never, ever dream of going to him and saying, "This job is a dead-end job. I don't care if you love it and it fulfills you and you think it supports us just fine. I think you'll have better prospects if you go back to grad school, and I want a bigger house and a new car and for you to make twice your salary so our future can be more secure. You're screwing up our lives. Quit now and do XYZ instead, or else." IMO, it's analogous. He has his field of expertise, I have mine. I don't tell him how to run his field, and he doesn't tell me how to run mine. We may bounce ideas off each other, make suggestions, play devil's advocate, lament to each other, express concerns we may have WRT the other person's field, etc. But no one makes unilateral demands here. We're a team.

 

And IMO, HSing itself is not a hill to die on. Someone treating me the way the way this DH sounds like he's treating his wife would be. Then again, I'm not a submissive wife and would never choose an authoritarian husband. That paradigm is not for me. Neither is it for my DH, thankfully!

 

My dh does not have as much say in the educational decision of my ds. He and I agreed that this would be my job 8 years ago. I see it as my job. Dh, because of his work, is involved but not a teacher at our school. He relies on me to give the educational feedback. He sees little of the day-to-day interaction. He continually compliments me on my efforts.

 

If he stated much of the what OP listed, it would be like he was saying I should be fired, he didn't appreciate my efforts, and he didn't like our children. To me, it wouldn't be simply about the education. It would be about the mutual appreciation for what I spend my time doing. It would also depend on if this was an out of the blue statement, or if he had broaching the subject for years.

 

Marriage is about mutual appreciation, not just doing what one deems best for all. That's what would bother me about this scenario.

 

:iagree:

 

But I would never home school if my dh was against it.

 

Would your DH also say he would never send the kids to PS if you were against it?

[AimeeM]

You do realize, though, that they aren't just YOUR children. Legally, they belong to the both of you. If you go to court over this, they will tell you the same (assuming the father is considered capable of making decisions) - he has just as much right to do so as you.

 

I think I would tell him to find a good lawyer. I know terrible of me but the children are mine always have been. I will never have never bend to someone telling me what to do with my kids. Not their father, not his family or mine. It was established when the first child was born, they are mine all choices all everything is on me and you may share your opinion when I ask and only then.

 

His family thought me to be joking. They have not seen my oldest two in many years and never have seen the youngest two. I find it has really taken away alot of hassles that other women have with in laws and all that. I could never imagine living in a world where my husband dictated like that to me. It seems horrible.

 

I would also flip out if someone (their father) said they were weird. That is horrible too. I wouldn't want anyone around the kids that felt that way. It just seems like a waste of life to have your husband treat you as a child.

Edited November 25, 2011 by AimeeM

[LittleIzumi]

There is nothing to do... this man does not respect his wife or children in any way, and she believes he is more important then her.

We can all make suggestions on how she can approach her husband but she won't and even if she did, he wouldn't listen.

Some one before me suggested trying to help her and the kids adjust and maybe helping her find a charter school, that is probably the only thing that can be done.

 

Personally I can not imagine living with a husband like this and standing by while he treated my kids with such disrespect, just the thought of it is making me angry on behalf of her children.

 

:iagree::iagree:The issue isn't if PS or HS is better. It's how the issue is decided--with mutual discussion, or research, and always with respect for each other's opinions. "He won't listen to a doctor. I don't know what he'd do w/ a pastor's advice, but it's possible that he doesn't think anyone is as smart as he is.... The kids need to learn to toughen up. They're weird," sounds a world away from that.

 

Also, if she does want to go with his decision and try a charter school, most of them have very early lottery signups, so they need to start looking now. Some out here open in October or November!

[Veritaserum]

I don't see this as an issue of homeschooling being more important than the marriage. I see this as a fundamental problem within the marriage. This man does not respect his wife. That would be a deal-breaker for me. I wouldn't stay married to a man who didn't respect me. I wouldn't stay married to man I didn't respect, either.

 

Dh and I periodically discuss public school. It's not completely off the table. It simply isn't better than homeschooling at this point. I know my kids could attend public school and do well.

 

The real issue here, though, is a lack of respect for the wife's concerns and preferences. THAT is a hill to die on.

[melissel]

that's the other thing I meant to put in my post. Dh wouldn't have the time to deal with all the red tape and "stuff" from the school. I would be the one dealing with, probably while trying to work part-time as well. I have a low tolerance for bs and bureaucracy. So I'd be working, dealing with the school, helping with homework, and still be doing the majority of household duties. Not that it can't be done, but I get stressed easily. Homeschooling actually helps me keep my sanity in check. :D

 

It would probably take about a month and dh would be begging me to homeschool again.

 

:iagree: This is so exactly what would happen here too. Paula, I think you and I could hang out :tongue_smilie:

[AimeeM]

Ah. I understand.

In our case, we are very traditional and my husband is the head of our home. With that said, he tends to turn such things over to me. Perhaps I'm not the best to ask because he DOES defer to me on so many things, even though our relationship is such that he could make all final decisions. I've never been in the position of him demanding I do something I feel counter to... even though I suppose he *could*.

:001_smile:

I do feel that I'm the final authority on what's best for my children, because I'm the one taking care of them nearly 24/7. I know their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs better than anyone else does, including my DH. This is not to say that he doesn't love them deeply and isn't capable of providing valuable input--of course he does, and of course he is. But he's not the one here every day, not the one having heart-to-heart talks with other moms about what the PSs are like, not the one seeing what other kids are doing, saying, bringing home, etc.

 

I would love for my DH to go back to school to get his MBA. His income and job affect our whole family. But I would never, ever dream of going to him and saying, "This job is a dead-end job. I don't care if you love it and it fulfills you and you think it supports us just fine. I think you'll have better prospects if you go back to grad school, and I want a bigger house and a new car and for you to make twice your salary so our future can be more secure. You're screwing up our lives. Quit now and do XYZ instead, or else." IMO, it's analogous. He has his field of expertise, I have mine. I don't tell him how to run his field, and he doesn't tell me how to run mine. We may bounce ideas off each other, make suggestions, play devil's advocate, lament to each other, express concerns we may have WRT the other person's field, etc. But no one makes unilateral demands here. We're a team.

 

And IMO, HSing itself is not a hill to die on. Someone treating me the way the way this DH sounds like he's treating his wife would be. Then again, I'm not a submissive wife and would never choose an authoritarian husband. That paradigm is not for me. Neither is it for my DH, thankfully!

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

 

Would your DH also say he would never send the kids to PS if you were against it?

[Mom-ninja.]

I feel the same. I love my husband a great deal. He is my best friend. But honestly when it comes to the kids I wouldn't put up with anything from him that I'd perceive as harmful. I can't imagine him doing that, but I think I'd turn into a momma bear (and you don't want to mess with an angry momma bear).

 

Dh has experienced me as momma bear and he knows to back off.

 

 

LOL

 

Not to mention that's just not how my husband operates so I'd wonder if he had hit is head and become brain damaged or something.

 

or contracted rabies.

[SonshineLearner]

Kinda like the other decisions that we make; we're actually not that great at agreeing, but.... I said that if you believe "whatever" that I expect that you will research it and present your reasons. I would expect that he would go to the public school, and sit one day in each class that the children would take part in. (So, that would be 3 days for him?) I would expect that he would talk to each teacher in those classes and kinda do as "I would do" if I wanted them to enter the school. :) There are compromises in life, but the person who's making the request needs to feel strongly enough to persuade and not dictate. My husband actually likes public school; here it is part of the social community of our small town. Luckily, my son is all over on the ability board and my husband is thinking that he wouldn't be able to pursue his natural bent as well in a classroom.

Sorry for your friend... sounds like her husband needs to remember "As Christ loves the Church"....

[Wheres Toto]

There is nothing to do... this man does not respect his wife or children in any way, and she believes he is more important then her.

We can all make suggestions on how she can approach her husband but she won't and even if she did, he wouldn't listen.

Some one before me suggested trying to help her and the kids adjust and maybe helping her find a charter school, that is probably the only thing that can be done.

 

Personally I can not imagine living with a husband like this and standing by while he treated my kids with such disrespect, just the thought of it is making me angry on behalf of her children.

 

:iagree: This seems to be the bottom line based on the original post.

 

I do wonder if there is more to the story though. After all these years he all of a sudden decides the kids are weird, not tough enough and need to go to school? Why? Nothing happened to bring this about?

 

I have more of a problem with his attitude toward his children than his wanting them to go to public school. I hope the kids don't realize their father has so little respect for them.

 

I love the suggestions about dad handling all the school paperwork, meetings, commutes, etc. but honestly how likely is that? Chances are good that dad is the primary breadwinner and unless mom can go out and get a job that makes at least as much as he does, the kids are likely to continue to be her "job" regardless of how they school.

[melissel]

Ah. I understand.

In our case, we are very traditional and my husband is the head of our home. With that said, he tends to turn such things over to me. Perhaps I'm not the best to ask because he DOES defer to me on so many things, even though our relationship is such that he could make all final decisions. I've never been in the position of him demanding I do something I feel counter to... even though I suppose he *could*.

:001_smile:

 

I hear you. And it sounds as though, even though your household runs differently than ours, you and your DH still have an excellent working relationship and are partners. It doesn't sound like he'd ever come to you with what this guy has brought to his wife. I have a problem with a husband being the "employer." :glare:

[AimeeM]

I don't think there's anything we couldn't compromise on.

I think, in this case, perhaps the idea of private school could be broached.

 

Honestly, I would want to hear the husband's side of this. For him to all of a sudden decide his children are weird and need to "toughen up", makes me feel that something happened. Most men are rational creatures; so much so that they neglect the emotional issues but, in this case, a rational man would have a reason for his insistence.

I hear you. And it sounds as though, even though your household runs differently, you and your DH still have an excellent working relationship and are partners. It doesn't sound like he'd ever come to you with what this guy has brought to his wife. I have a problem with a husband being the "employer." :glare:

[melissel]

Chances are good that dad is the primary breadwinner and unless mom can go out and get a job that makes at least as much as he does, the kids are likely to continue to be her "job" regardless of how they school.

 

Most FT working moms are still in charge of the household and children too. Somehow, they make it work. In reality, though, I can't imagine the DH in this scenario agreeing to take charge of the schooling, and I can't imagine the wife insisting he do so.

 

I do agree, though, that we are only hearing one side of the story and that there's probably more background that we're not privy to. We're just theorizing based on what we have to go on :D

[melissel]

I don't think there's anything we couldn't compromise on.

I think, in this case, perhaps the idea of private school could be broached.

 

Honestly, I would want to hear the husband's side of this. For him to all of a sudden decide his children are weird and need to "toughen up", makes me feel that something happened. Most men are rational creatures; so much so that they neglect the emotional issues but, in this case, a rational man would have a reason for his insistence.

 

I agree, and I would hope so. The more people I meet, though, the less I am surprised at how wacky people can be :lol:

[Miss Peregrine]

He would be responsible for signing them up and getting them to and from.

[Parker Martin]

Honestly, I would want to hear the husband's side of this.

 

Same. We're all working off of third hand information. That's pretty far removed from the source. While advice on how to be persuasive or how to set up a school fall back plan might be helpful, I'm not sure that it's at all possible to accurately analyze this couple's marriage from the vantage point available to us.

[Lisbeth]

Because the mom has to deal with the red tape, homework, to and from to school, and middle school fallout, to me, her feelings on the matter trump dad's. Also, my small vulnerable people who depend on my protection come before the grown man in my life, period. I am so opposed to ps that it would bring out TigerMomma in me...it would be matter of protecting my cubs. Specifically because of my very negative views about institutionalized school, especially of the gov variety, no way would I put my kids there because dh told me to. It would be a fight of epic proportions. If I didn't feel so strongly about ps, I would maybe be more willing to compromise.