Jump to content

Menu

Upsetting Topic (I am not joking!) Question re my dd32 & her 2 Pg losses


Recommended Posts

WARNING: Please do not read if you think this will upset you -- I am asking a specific question about my daughter 32 and her two late losses these past 10 months --Thanks in advance if you reply

 

 

(I PUT IN ALOT OF SPACE SO YOU COULD EXIT HERE IF YOU'D LIKE)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are away on vacation - I am picking up little things here and there for my two grand-daughters -- A and E. My dd32, Stacey, suffered two 2nd trimester losses in the past 10 months -- (you here were incredibly supportive and kind to my family --:grouphug:).

 

I've picked up little Christmas ornaments for A and E (a couple of them for both - things that they will particularly like) - it has been on my mind as I have been shopping that I would like to and I should pick up two little ornaments for Stacey for the two little boys she's lost - Robbie (WHO WOULD HAVE ARRIVED IN mARCH) and Rango (who would be arriving in two short weeks).

 

Do you think this is ok? I can preface my giving them to her by telling her what they are so if she doesn't want them or if she will become incredibly upset, we can try to handle the situation.

 

I was thinking of going back to the Christmas Store and looking for little boy angels or little blue bears or beautiful blue snowflakes or something.

 

I know that she is incredibly sad right now as Rango would be arriving in two weeks AND we are approaching when she lost Robbie (it's been a heck of a year! :glare:) .

 

thanks for any suggestions or words of wisdom. I know that if I tell DH I want to do this, he will not necessarily be able to offer 'wisdom.'

 

UPDATE: You are all so kind! We just got back from shopping (and apparently dh has a very low 'vacation shopping threshold' :glare:) -- but I could not get four seconds alone to concentrate on what I wanted to buy. I did, however, find a wonderful book for Stacey that I will give to her and her dh when I give them the ornaments...which I will look for this evening (yes, I do see the time -- we got a VERY late start today :001_huh:).

 

We are on our way to the beach now and we will scout around Duck tonight.

 

My most heartfelt hugs and thoughts to all of you who shared your personal stories -- may you all be richly blessed and comforted. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

And, thank you for your very kind words.:grouphug:

Edited by MariannNOVA
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mariann,

 

My dear friend who lost her twins at 21 weeks gestation, they lived 2 and 4 hrs., feels as though her girls were "throwaways" in our culture. I am one of the few people she can talk to about them. The first Christmas after their deaths, I bought her "twin angels" for her tree. They are her favorite ornaments. When their only child came along later, a difficult pregnancy but a joyous ending, they used the angels to remind her that she had two special sisters in heaven. It's comforting to them.

 

I think that getting the ornaments is a beautiful thing. You can present them to Stacey and Mario privately and they can then choose if this is something they want to treasure privately, or hang on the tree. No matter what, I think they will be grateful that you haven't forgotten their two sons for whom they grieve.

 

Faith

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's a nice idea. I would do snowflakes or something else that doesn't *look* like a baby. But, that's just me.

 

That's what made me think snowflakes -- beautiful, perfect, but no two alike -- and having a hidden meaning that she and her husband and daughters would understand. :grouphug: Thanks -- good advice.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mariann,

 

My dear friend who lost her twins at 21 weeks gestation, they lived 2 and 4 hrs., feels as though her girls were "throwaways" in our culture. I am one of the few people she can talk to about them. The first Christmas after their deaths, I bought her "twin angels" for her tree. They are her favorite ornaments. When their only child came along later, a difficult pregnancy but a joyous ending, they used the angels to remind her that she had two special sisters in heaven. It's comforting to them.

 

I think that getting the ornaments is a beautiful thing. You can present them to Stacey and Mario privately and they can then choose if this is something they want to treasure privately, or hang on the tree. No matter what, I think they will be grateful that you haven't forgotten their two sons for whom they grieve.

 

Faith

 

:grouphug::grouphug: to you and your friend -- I understand how your friend feels -- I think stacey feels the same way. Thanks for the suggestion and your story -- :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: -- I am glad your friend does have a little one now to hold and cuddle here.:grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The year I had my first two losses, was 2000. There was a special Hallmark time capsule ornament available. We have both sonograms in there. Now I did that myself, but I think it is lovely. The hard years, IMO, should be commemorated. Life should be too. I would, as a pp said, give it to the

Privately.

 

I think you are a wonderful mother and sometimes wish you were mine. [i know, you're not old enough, but in another world maybe.:tongue_smilie:]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it is a great idea. I know my MIL didn't understand about me getting a necklace to symbolize my early losses. I have things around that remind me of those. And sometimes I still wear my necklace to remember them and have them close to my heart.

 

Stacey has a necklace too -- she and I also made 'memory boxes' for each boy. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I do think that hopefully, the fact that moms are hurting will be brought more into the open as these moms do the kind of thing you did - wearing a necklace in remembrance of your babies. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The year I had my first two losses, was 2000. There was a special Hallmark time capsule ornament available. We have both sonograms in there. Now I did that myself, but I think it is lovely. The hard years, IMO, should be commemorated. Life should be too. I would, as a pp said, give it to the

Privately.

 

I think you are a wonderful mother and sometimes wish you were mine. [i know, you're not old enough, but in another world maybe.[/color]:tongue_smilie:]

 

You always say the kindest things!:grouphug::grouphug: And, you have been such a help to me and your kind words were a help to me and Stacey last June.

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

And, about the in red words -- you know, you may be wrong about that: I am 57 -- probably old enough! :tongue_smilie: And, there's always room for one more!:D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If I were your Dd, I would cry like nothing you'd ever seen, and be so thankful that they weren't forgotten, because I'd know that I would never, ever, forget.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am touched!

 

I will have to go to the Christmas Store (we are in OBX) that is not in Duck (where we have been shopping) b/c they know me there now and we start a conversation the instant I walk in -- this will be require me to be contemplative and introspective so I will go to the one in Nags Head.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I lost my baby girl, Faith, my mom and sil bought me a simple silver bracelet that had the initials of my baby girl on the front and the date she went to be with the Lord on the back. It is a nice token to remember my baby girl that I lost at 28 weeks. Not sure about her experience, but it was very traumatic to go through childbirth when giving birth to a stillborn.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think either a snowflake or how about something like a merkarba star dowsing crystal or natural crystal pendant restrung onto ribbon for tying on to the tree. Choose a different beautiful crystal for each child and they will be totally unique like the children and reflect that they are individuals not to be forgotten.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's a wonderful idea to acknowledge these two babies. My parents have a Christmas ornament for each of their grandchildren. I so appreciated that they put one up for the baby I lost shortly after birth.

 

Wow -- with my own three, I haven't even gotten around to grand children ornaments but what a lovely idea -- thank you so much for the idea.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

And, your parents are kind!:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mariann,

 

Your idea is sooo kind and loving. Whenever I (someday...) get a mother's ring, I want to include a stone for the one we lost.

 

I do think you should give the ornaments privately, so those emotions are not rubbed raw in front of everyone else.

 

My brother/sister in law planted trees (nice, hardy variety) to remember the ones they lost. Watching the trees grow has been a comfort to them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am touched!

 

I will have to go to the Christmas Store (we are in OBX) that is not in Duck (where we have been shopping) b/c they know me there now and we start a conversation the instant I walk in -- this will be require me to be contemplative and introspective so I will go to the one in Nags Head.

 

 

I know this store. Years ago I bought a beautiful shell angel there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My grandmother miscarried nearly 70 years ago. Her first pregnancy. Several years later she had a child die in infancy from pneumonia around 4 months old. She still talks about both children. Even if no one else remembers them, she does. Before my grandfather died, he would talk about how excited he was to know that he would someday be seeing those 2 children in Heaven. I believe that the gift you are considering is a very nice one. It may be sad each time they see the gifts, but on the other hand, it may also give comfort knowing that others also remember the babies and recognize the future that was lost.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it is incrediably sweet. I wish that my family would acknowledge my losses, particularily my last one. Like the pp they get seen as throw aways by others.

 

Me too...I finally bought a bronze angel holding a baby for my garden as a commemoration. It comforts me. I think you are an awesome mom.

 

Faithe

Link to comment
Share on other sites

well now you've gone and made me all teary eyed! Why? Because I think it's just so sweet and touching that you're doing this. As a mom who lost a baby herself (first trimester, and INCREDIBLY difficult to accept!) I would be SO touched if my mom did this for me. You are such a sweet woman, Mariann. Have you considered getting an ornament for each boy with their name on them? Maybe an angel would be perfect, but I also like the blue snowflake idea!

 

A friend of mine has 5 Christmas trees in her house. She has themed trees, and she has them all covered with ornaments her kids collected through the years. She will be packing them away to give to each of them (they're older now) but will always keep some ornaments for each kid. She has ornaments for the baby she lost. He is remembered every year!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's what made me think snowflakes -- beautiful, perfect, but no two alike -- and having a hidden meaning that she and her husband and daughters would understand. :grouphug: Thanks -- good advice.

 

This would have been incredibly precious to me when my baby died. I do have an ornament, a silver angel, with my dd's name engraved on it, but I bought it for myself. If someone had done that for me, I cannot tell you how precious that would have been to me.

 

(People did give me special tokens, so I don't mean to sound as though nobody did anything similar; it just would have been very special to me if it had been a Christmas ornament. That first Christmas was excruciatingly painful. )

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am picking up little things here and there for my two grand-daughters -- A and E. My dd32, Stacey, suffered two 2nd trimester losses in the past 10 months -- I've picked up little Christmas ornaments for A and E (a couple of them for both - things that they will particularly like) -

 

it has been on my mind as I have been shopping that I would like to and I should pick up two little ornaments for Stacey for the two little boys she's lost

Do you think this is ok? I can preface my giving them to her by telling her what they are so if she doesn't want them or if she will become incredibly upset, we can try to handle the situation.

 

I was thinking of going back to the Christmas Store and looking for little boy angels or little blue bears or beautiful blue snowflakes or something.

 

 

I think it is incredibly sensitive of you, and she's lucky to have you. yes, little boy angels (or similar) would probably be very much appreciated that you are remembering them too. I would also give them to her in private, that way if she does meltdown, there will only be you as a witness.

 

:grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Once, during an ornament exchange, I cross-stitched a "waiting for baby" ornament for a friend. She lost that baby on Christmas Day. I felt AWFUL about that ornament. It turned out, she had so few momentos from that baby that she treasured the ornament. She may prefer you acknowledge those babies rather than pretend they never existed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I lost my son, Brian, at 22 weeks gestation 10 years ago January 1st, and this is something that I would have greatly appreciated, especially the first Christmas after he died. I have also greatly appreciated the fact that my extended family, on both sides, have included Brian in lists of grandchildren/great grandchildren in obituaries and NOT forgotten him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think there's anything more precious you could do for her this Christmas. What a sweet sweet thing to do. I lost my baby 12/15/2004, and no one ever mentions her anymore, well except for me. I have a memory box with special things in it, but sometimes I wish someone else remembered her. I know my husband does, but I guess men just don't talk about those things.

 

You are a wonderful mother!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are all so kind! We just got back from shopping (and apparently dh has a very low 'vacation shopping threshold' :glare:) -- but I could not get four seconds alone to concentrate on what I wanted to buy. I did, however, find a wonderful book for Stacey that I will give to her and her dh when I give them the ornaments...which I will look for this evening (yes, I do see the time -- we got a VERY late start today :001_huh:).

 

We are on our way to the beach now and we will scout around Duck tonight.

 

My most heartfelt hugs and thoughts to all of you who shared your personal stories -- may you all be richly blessed and comforted. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

And, thank you for your very kind words.:grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's what made me think snowflakes -- beautiful, perfect, but no two alike -- and having a hidden meaning that she and her husband and daughters would understand. :grouphug: Thanks -- good advice.

 

Perfect.

 

My mom had 3 miscarriages before I was born. I'm 44, she knew one was a boy. This has been a hard summer for my dh, he's very close to my parents, his own father died when dh was nine. Yesterday my dad was here and discussing how close he and dh had become through the events of this summer. My dad choked up mentioning that he never had a son and the miscarried children. My dad is 75. So yes, commemorate and remember. :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mariann,

 

I am so sorry for your daughter's losses and for yours as well :grouphug:. I am sure it has been a difficult time for you too losing your two grandsons and seeing your daughter suffer such traumatic losses..

 

I think the idea of a Christmas ornament is wonderful. It is something they can choose to display or wait until they are ready. I also think you should get yourself an ornament too. You suffered the losses as well and they will always be your grandsons.

 

When I was on hospital bedrest with my son my girlfriend delivered her baby girl at 23 weeks. She lived for 8 days and was the most tiny perfect little baby. I was able to visit her in the NICU and take some pictures of her and her mom. I am the only person that ever talks about her daughter with her. It is a huge comfort for her and she is always so appreciative that I acknowledge her loss. Every anniversary of her death I email her and tell her I am thinking of her.

 

Remember, celebrate and acknowledge those beautiful angels!

 

Marisa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mariann,

 

My dear friend who lost her twins at 21 weeks gestation, they lived 2 and 4 hrs., feels as though her girls were "throwaways" in our culture. I am one of the few people she can talk to about them. The first Christmas after their deaths, I bought her "twin angels" for her tree. They are her favorite ornaments. When their only child came along later, a difficult pregnancy but a joyous ending, they used the angels to remind her that she had two special sisters in heaven. It's comforting to them.

 

 

I, too, lost twins at 21 weeks. Ornaments would not be comforting to me. They would be too difficult to even look at, even now. I guess we are all different in how we deal with loss.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I, too, lost twins at 21 weeks. Ornaments would not be comforting to me. They would be too difficult to even look at, even

now. I guess we are all different in how we deal with loss.[/QUOTE]

 

I am sorry for your loss -- and I understand how the pain continues. I have suffered late losses, and an ornament would not be particularly comforting to me -- but knowing that an individual knew my hurt was still there, would be. And, while I can tell my daughter that I am thinking of her and hurting for her, she is a three hour drive away. While I don't want her to look at anything and have it cause her pain, I would like there to be something she can glance at this holiday season and know that even though I am not there with her, I love her and I wish she wasn't hurting, and I know how difficult this time is for her. An acknowledgement of sorts that while all the holiday merriment is happening (after all, Christmas is fun with her two little girls, and dh's and my three, and my sister's dd), I know that she has tremendous love in her heart for two who aren't present.

 

I hope this explains my intent as far as an ornament. I do know that her hurt will never go away.

Edited by MariannNOVA
Link to comment
Share on other sites

We too lost a little boy at 20 weeks in 2003. No one except my husband and I talk about him anymore...I wish I had a mother who would have done something like that for me. The great advice I got from her was "you'll need to go to counseling" and "you can have fun trying again". She never experienced anything like this so I'm sure she didn't know what to say or do, but something to let me know she was thinking about me and cared about our son would have been lovely. I think your ideas are very caring and loving! Blessings to your daughter as she mourns the loss of her little ones!

 

Melody

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Years ago I had an early 2nd trimester miscarriage, and it still gets me sometimes. I am not an overly emotional person and not a "touchy-feely" type either. So my first reaction was No,no,no, too much, too soon. Then when I put my mother (also emotionally stunted, but loves me) in your shoes I could definately see it being okay. That is the kind of gesture only a mother would be able to do for her daughter though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We lost our second daughter at 22weeks January, 1997. I suspected I was losing her during the holidays and bought an ornament for her anyways. Each year, I have bought my other children an annual ornament but she has just the one. It is a Wallace Silvermith Candy Cane. I buy ds16 a bell every year, dd12 a snowflake, and dd4 has a variety...but only the one candy cane.

 

I hang it myself every year and it is one of the first to go on the tree. The kids know it is Katie's and who she was. It always brings a tear to my eye, and I hang it in the back. It is out of immdiate sight, but it is there and I know. Every child who has touched a family, leaves a lasting imprint....it is my way to honor her, and acknowlege that she will forever be a part of all of us.

 

I would have loved to have my family honor my daughter. You're are a darling mother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...