Do you openly discuss your finances?

[Heather in Neverland]

In my upbringing I was always told it was not polite conversation to discuss your finances with others and it was particularly impolite to "poor mouth it".

 

My family comes from the backwoods of Alabama and were raised in abject poverty (like no shoes, one meal a day if they were lucky, etc.) and they stil never talked about how poor they were.

 

We also were taught not to discuss how much money we make, how much we paid for something, and not to ask others the same things.

 

But it seems like we are in the minority? I am always surprised at how willing people are to tell you how broke they are. And here in Malaysia, everyone asks how much you make, how much you paid for something, etc. Or they brag about it themselves.

 

So is my family just a hold over from the past and we need to get with the "sharing your financial situation" program? Are we just too uptight? I can tell you that only my immediate family knows our true financial situation... not even my best friends know.

 

Maybe I just need to loosen up? :D

Edited August 9, 2011 by Heather in NC

[Carol in Cal.]

I was raised like you, Heather, but my DH talks about how much things cost all the time. We have been married for almost 25 years, and I still cringe every single time he does it.

[coffeefreak]

DH and I were just discussing this. We haven't ever been bothered by people talking about money, but now, we're going to reign it in. We've never discussed what we make, however we have discussed how much we spent on something or what we owe for something (ie mortgage). The schism between the rich, middle class, and poor seems to be growing again. My grandmother said (before she died) the climate of the country reminded her of how things were before and during the great depression. This is WHY they never discussed money PERIOD, and this is why DH and I are going to start keeping our finances to ourselves.

 

You are not "uptight," just wiser than the rest of us.

Blessings!

Dorinda

[MamaJo]

I think that what you are talking about used to be the norm but that the culture has changed. People now seem to value "telling it like it is" more than discretion.

[OrdinaryTime]

Immediate family/Very close friends: Yes, we do discuss finances, but being sensative to different financial situations. It helps we all view money the same way; a means but not an end. No one's worth is dictated by their bank account.

 

Everyone else: Not unless asked directly.

[regentrude]

I do not discuss finances with anybody but DH (although I may reassure my parents about our financial well being.) When I grew up, money was never mentioned. I consider it tacky to discuss money and prices in company (although, if somebody asks me what I have paid for xyz because he/she is researching a specific purchase, I have no problem answering)

 

This said: I am not secretive about finances because this would be silly: since both DH and I are public employees, anybody who wishes can look up our salaries. Likewise, house prices are public information, so anybody could find out what we paid for the house.

[Janie Grace]

I was taught that that topic is personal as well, and I feel awkward when people ask how much something cost, or seem to be trying to figure out what our situation is.

 

The other day, a 13yo friend of my dd asked me how much my iPhone contract is per month. WHAT IN THE WORLD? :confused:

 

OTOH, I think this is a place where people who are in dire straits can vent in a way they probably don't IRL. It's stressful being at the end of your rope, and it's hard to hold it in all the time. I don't think it odd when someone is more disclosing about it here.

[Caitilin]

IRL, only if I have to explain why we can't do something that others are doing. Online, eh, I guess I figure we're just all mad here...:D

[RoughCollie]

We also were taught not to discuss how much money we make, how much we paid for something, and not to ask others the same things.

 

We were taught that too. We were also taught not to brag about things we have purchased or own.

 

I have met people who brag so much to acquaintances about their latest acquisitions and their finances that I wonder if their entire self worth is made of money.

 

I think it is different here than IRL. If I say or read something about finances or purchases, I figure this is a safer place to talk about than IRL. For me, there are times when I have no one else to ask for advice because IRL I do not discuss finances or certain other topics.

Edited August 9, 2011 by RoughCollie

[Heather in Neverland]

The schism between the rich, middle class, and poor seems to be growing again. My grandmother said (before she died) the climate of the country reminded her of how things were before and during the great depression. This is WHY they never discussed money PERIOD, and this is why DH and I are going to start keeping our finances to ourselves.

 

 

 

It is interesting that you wrote this. I, too, feel this underlying current... this unspoken "vibe" I guess... lately because of the economic crisis. Almost like this division between those that have lost much/everything due to the economic downturn and those that haven't.

 

For instance, I put a message on my FB page about recently coming back from vacation and I said something like "We had so much fun but it was too short!"

 

A friend who has had a really really really bad financial situation during this past year replies "Well, just be glad you got to have a vacation AT ALL. Some of us don't have the money for that. Sure wish I could have a vacation!"

 

I felt sick to my stomach after that. We are not wealthy by any means but we have escaped much of what people are going through and we are made to feel guilty about it all the time by friends. I certainly did not mean to offend anyone with my comment.

 

:(

[Parrothead]

I won't ask someone how much money they make. I don't volunteer how much dh gets paid. I won't ask what someone has paid for anything. I will ask where an item was purchased.

 

I will discuss finances with as little detail as possible. Like I don't mind telling anyone we live pay check to pay check. I won't tell you what the numbers on that pay check are.

[Parrothead]

It is interesting that you wrote this. I, too, feel this underlying current... this unspoken "vibe" I guess... lately because of the economic crisis. Almost like this division between those that have lost much/everything due to the economic downturn and those that haven't.

 

For instance, I put a message on my FB page about recently coming back from vacation and I said something like "We had so much fun but it was too short!"

 

A friend who has had a really really really bad financial situation during this past year replies "Well, just be glad you got to have a vacation AT ALL. Some of us don't have the money for that. Sure wish I could have a vacation!"

 

I felt sick to my stomach after that. We are not wealthy by any means but we have escaped much of what people are going through and we are made to feel guilty about it all the time by friends. I certainly did not mean to offend anyone with my comment.

 

:(

I would question continuing a relationship with friends like that.

[Audrey]

I was raised like that, too, Heather. Here, people have a very different idea of it, though. People here are very, very frugal and they like to discuss how much something cost them. For some, it is like a competition -- how cheap they could get x. But, I think, for most, it is just a part of conversation and people like to point each other to good bargains. For them, to point someone to a good bargain is a friendly gesture -- as in, "I care about you, so here's a money saver for you."

 

I am still not comfortable in those conversations, but I have learned not to take offense when asked how much I paid for something. I am, however, still embarrassed to have anything nice, even if I know I got it at a thrift store or paid a really cheap price for it. I don't know if I will ever be able to get over that. Some teachings run deep.

[coffeefreak]

It is interesting that you wrote this. I, too, feel this underlying current... this unspoken "vibe" I guess... lately because of the economic crisis. Almost like this division between those that have lost much/everything due to the economic downturn and those that haven't.

 

For instance, I put a message on my FB page about recently coming back from vacation and I said something like "We had so much fun but it was too short!"

 

A friend who has had a really really really bad financial situation during this past year replies "Well, just be glad you got to have a vacation AT ALL. Some of us don't have the money for that. Sure wish I could have a vacation!"

 

I felt sick to my stomach after that. We are not wealthy by any means but we have escaped much of what people are going through and we are made to feel guilty about it all the time by friends. I certainly did not mean to offend anyone with my comment.

 

:(

 

This is something we've experienced too and it's not pretty. We're also criticized for where we shop which is annoying. You should not feel guilty because your comments were not offensive. Like someone said on my thread about shopping (the thread that prompted dh and I to stop discussing finances:001_smile:), if you have the money, go for it! It's none of their business.

 

Blessings!

Dorinda

[RoughCollie]

A friend who has had a really really really bad financial situation during this past year replies "Well, just be glad you got to have a vacation AT ALL. Some of us don't have the money for that. Sure wish I could have a vacation!"

 

I felt sick to my stomach after that. We are not wealthy by any means but we have escaped much of what people are going through and we are made to feel guilty about it all the time by friends. I certainly did not mean to offend anyone with my comment. :(

 

I think your friend is just extra-sensitive because of the very hard time she is having, and couldn't hold it in ... if it wasn't you she said that to, it would have been someone else.

 

Plus, some people -- by nature or from being beaten down too much -- cannot rejoice in the good fortune of others. Being in an extremely bad financial situation can cause a huge hole in a person's self esteem. They feel shame, anger, and guilt. They feel desperate. They feel the unfairness of life.

[T'smom]

In my social circles, people don't really discuss what things cost UNLESS they're bragging about what a great deal they got! I don't really mind discussing what things cost/what we paid.....BUT I don't discuss what Dh makes. That would be awkward. The other day, someone was trying to convince me that I should put ds in this preschool down the street. My usual response to that is that I don't want to pay someone to do something that I can do better myself. She insisted that he would qualify for free tuition. I kindof shrugged and said "oh, we probably wouldn't." She would. not. let. it. drop. There is no way that we'd qualify for free tuition. No possible way. But we kindof live in a way that people would assume that we would. I was finally pretty insistent about it.....but for Pete's sake, I cannot imagine telling someone something like that!

[RoughCollie]

I think that what you are talking about used to be the norm but that the culture has changed. People now seem to value "telling it like it is" more than discretion.

 

I agree. Sometimes I am shocked by what people will talk about in casual conversation IRL.

[Laura Corin]

Asia's just different. I found that people were quite accepting if I explained that it was culturally difficult for me to talk about money.

 

I was brought up not to talk about money. Britain has loosened up about this to a certain extent, but it's still considered impolite by many to discuss income, although a lot of people discuss house prices.

 

Laura

[Georgiana Daniels]

The over-sharing of finances in real life makes me uncomfortable, whether the person is broke or has it made in the shade. In fact, the made in the shade people actually make me more uncomfortable because then I'm comparing our situation. With close friends who make $50 an hour, it's hard to measure up.

 

And I hate that it bothers me.

[unsinkable]

What an unfortunate time to start a discussion like this.

[kewb]

I was raised the same as you. What I have or don't have is my business not anyone else's. I am very uncomfortable when people ask me what we paid for something or openly discuss what a shambles their personal finances are with me. I would never in a million years ask someone about their finances or what they paid for their home. However, if I got a really good deal on something I will share.

[nd293]

We were also raised not to discuss money. On the one hand, I think it is more discreet - and often kinder - not to discuss finances. But this often puts power in the hands of the wrong people, so to speak. For instance, dh's salary has increased dramatically in the past two years. He is still doing exactly the same work he was when we arrived here. What changed was that people began to know him (we were new to the country) but more than that, that he began to hear what other people were earning, and became determined to demand a higher salary. I would argue the same applies to purchasing - even if you diligently compare prices, you can miss a deal - sharing information helps everyone. Of course, what I am talking about is different from bragging, and it can be a fine line, sometimes, or where that line lies depends on where you're standing.

[DawnM]

I have some friends I discuss this openly with, but very few. It is a small tight circle of friends.

 

I don't discuss online or share with just anyone.

 

The only time I did post some budget stuff I did not post our entire income or budget, I merely listed the amount of $$ I wished help with (already taking out all mandatory payments/savings).

 

Dawn

[justamouse]

Well, if you walked into my house you'd know we weren't poor. We don't talk about how much stuff costs (unless it's too much, or we got such a great deal we want to others to take advantage) but I can't hide who I am.

[Murphy101]

I would question continuing a relationship with friends like that.

 

:iagree: Real friends are happy to see their friends doing well. I wouldn't have even thought what that person wrote. I'd want to see pictures!:)

 

I was raised like that, too, Heather. Here, people have a very different idea of it, though. People here are very, very frugal and they like to discuss how much something cost them. For some, it is like a competition -- how cheap they could get x. But, I think, for most, it is just a part of conversation and people like to point each other to good bargains. For them, to point someone to a good bargain is a friendly gesture -- as in, "I care about you, so here's a money saver for you."

 

This is dh and I. Very much so. We hate seeing people we know spend more than they have to, especially for necessities. Or worse spending on subpar quality because they don't know there's a better option.

 

I never do this around dh's family. It offends them enough that I'm too blunt of a person in general.

 

But my friends? The new young mom at church whose dh just got laid off?

Yes. I am probably too open bc I sure appreciate it when others drop me a tip. Beats wandering about in a financial abyss until you are lucky enough to stumble onto money saving or stretching information.

 

What an unfortunate time to start a discussion like this.

 

:001_huh:Are you serious? I see nothing wrong or unfortunate about starting this discussion. People are having a hard time. Heather is simply trying to figure out how to navigate the elephant in the room has kindly and respectfully as she can.

[8circles]

What an unfortunate time to start a discussion like this.

 

I've got to agree. I cringed when I read the OP.

[unsinkable]

:iagree: Real friends are happy to see their friends doing well. I wouldn't have even thought what that person wrote. I'd want to see pictures!:)

 

 

 

This is dh and I. Very much so. We hate seeing people we know spend more than they have to, especially for necessities. Or worse spending on subpar quality because they don't know there's a better option.

 

I never do this around dh's family. It offends them enough that I'm too blunt of a person in general.

 

But my friends? The new young mom at church whose dh just got laid off?

Yes. I am probably too open bc I sure appreciate it when others drop me a tip. Beats wandering about in a financial abyss until you are lucky enough to stumble onto money saving or stretching information.

 

 

 

:001_huh:Are you serious? I see nothing wrong or unfortunate about starting this discussion. People are having a hard time. Heather is simply trying to figure out how to navigate the elephant in the room has kindly and respectfully as she can.

 

Yes, I am serious.

[justamouse]

:iagree: Real friends are happy to see their friends doing well. I wouldn't have even thought what that person wrote. I'd want to see pictures!:)

 

 

 

 

I agree.

 

You know, this is why I have a hard time in these discussions.

 

Even when I was living out of garbage bags and sleeping in my car I was genuinely HAPPY for my friends that made it. I have always been genuinely happy for those who do well because I HATED it when others made those kinds of comments to me. They hurt, and I remembered that and I vowed to never ever make anyone feel guilty for their success. And, frankly, I think that sowing that good will and love comes back in spades. It also deepened my relationship with those people because they could see my sincerity. It made me a safe person to share their joys with, and having to hide your rejoicing is a terrible thing, I think. And, just because a person is successful doesn't mean that they can't empathise with someone going through a rough time.

Edited August 9, 2011 by justamouse

[*lifeoftheparty*]

Soooo, I'm the odd "tacky" man out. :blush:

 

And I know it. I'm cringing at some of the things that have come out of my mouth. Sometimes, I just talk and talk and talk and before you know it, I've said something tacky or insensitive. I'm working on it.

 

My father was one of those "show-off" people. ALWAYS talking about what he was making and spending, what something cost, etc. I guess it stuck. The thing is, he didn't make ALL THAT much money. We always lived in double wide trailers and houses that weren't completely built. But my dad could always afford to pay the WHOLE dinner check when we went out with friends, etc. And was ALWAYS whipping out the big bill fold of cash.

 

It doesn't help that my nickname was "mouth of the south" growing up either. And I'm usually completely clueless about etiquette and stuff. We were not raised with such "detailed" guidance. Our guidance was, "Don't do drugs and don't have sex". That's pretty much it.

 

I have told dozens of people how much DH's salary is. I hope people realize though, that it's coming from a "holy cow I'm so used to being poor that I can't believe we are making good money now!" attitude and not a snooty, bragging attitude. I'm just excited and I want to tell my friends and family. However, I am realizing that things we talked about as teenagers just aren't the same now that we are adults. I dunno, I'm a loudmouthed idiot sometimes.

 

ETA: So, I'm a Disney FREAK, seriously, FREAK. Everyone knows this. I am ALL KINDS of excited b/c we are finally going back to Disney World after FOUR years of not going. I posted that on Facebook. And I posted that I got tickets to Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party and reservations for a Candlelight Processional dinner. Was that rude/insensitive?? I didn't receive any negative comments. People that I know also like Disney "liked" it.... but now I am starting to feel self conscious. :( Should I go back and remove them??

Edited August 9, 2011 by Gao Meixue
just thought of something....

[*Lulu*]

IRL I have two friends I can/will discuss finances with b/c we are very similar in the ways we handle money. Even still I do not discuss the exact amount of DH's salary.

 

There are only 3 other situations in which I have discussed money with people:

 

-when the city raised the water rates and we were all comparing notes

-when we are discussing curiculum costs or an awesome sale

-when several years ago DH had a salary cut that caused us to cancel a few plans and we needed people to understand why

 

As for your friend, that was a rude comment she made. If she isn't normally that way I can only assume that something really hard is going on in her life. Depending on what your friendship is like, now might be a good time to reach out to her.

[dcjlkplus3]

What an unfortunate time to start a discussion like this.

 

This doesn't make sense to me, could you please explain why you think this is inappropriate?

[Ksol]

For instance, I put a message on my FB page about recently coming back from vacation and I said something like "We had so much fun but it was too short!"

 

A friend who has had a really really really bad financial situation during this past year replies "Well, just be glad you got to have a vacation AT ALL. Some of us don't have the money for that. Sure wish I could have a vacation!"

 

:(

 

See, I would probably think that, but I wouldn't dream of writing it or saying it out loud! I was just telling a close friend that FB is hard for me in that way to see all the awesome vacations my friends go on and their newly purchased beautiful homes and it just kind of weighs on me that our situation is SO different. It isn't that I am not happy for them, I really am, but I am also envious. FOr the record, I don't think posting about your vacation or new home is bragging, and I love that FB is a great way to share what is going on. I just have my own issues because we seem to have so little compared to most of our friends.

[Heather in Neverland]

 

It doesn't help that my nickname was "mouth of the south" growing up either.

 

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

This sounds like something my family would say!

[justamouse]

 

ETA: So, I'm a Disney FREAK, seriously, FREAK. Everyone knows this. I am ALL KINDS of excited b/c we are finally going back to Disney World after FOUR years of not going. I posted that on Facebook. And I posted that I got tickets to Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party and reservations for a Candlelight Processional dinner. Was that rude/insensitive?? I didn't receive any negative comments. People that I know also like Disney "liked" it.... but now I am starting to feel self conscious. :( Should I go back and remove them??

 

No. You had a great time and you are happy. BE happy. Have a good time. ENJOY.

[Heather in Neverland]

No. You had a great time and you are happy. BE happy. Have a good time. ENJOY.

 

:iagree:

[swellmomma]

IRL, only if I have to explain why we can't do something that others are doing. Online, eh, I guess I figure we're just all mad here...:D

 

That's my thinking too. I discuss it online no problem, irl I don't say much to anyone about my finances unless they directly ask kwim.

[Rosie_0801]

I was brought up not to talk about money. Britain has loosened up about this to a certain extent, but it's still considered impolite by many to discuss income, although a lot of people discuss house prices.

 

It's like that here too. I'll talk more about finances than I was brought up to, but society has changed that way. I'm still not going to blab the ins and outs of absolutely everything to absolutely every one.

 

Rosie

Edited August 9, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[Lily_Grace]

We don't, and we do. There are rules I follow when talking about money. I'll talk about goals, deals, and high points. I won't complain, discuss my exact budget, or talk about low points. At least outside of my family or budget boards online. :D Most of my friends have no idea that my dh makes half as much as theirs because I'm very careful to avoid phrases like "we can't afford that." and use things like "oh, shucks! Wish I could, but it's not in the budget this month."

[Joker]

The family I grew up in talked about everything - including finances. I knew when there were hard times and I would babysit more so I didn't need to ask my parents for something. My dh's family never talks out loud about finances and I find it weird.

 

I would never think twice about posting about a vacation on facebook. I only joined so I could share photos and such with family and that would be something they are interested in - especially since most of our vacations involve them.

[Peela]

We talk in general terms but usually not in detail. We might share some details with some people but no one else really knows our "bigger picture" so to speak. But we do talk about our investments, how much rent we pay, sometimes how things are tough at the moment, at other times how well off we feel. Neither of us come from impoverished backgrounds- both of our parents were middle class- in a way better off than us since in their times it was much easier to own your own home, and we can't buy in the city. Its not a big deal to talk about it but also, theres not usually much reason to either.

 

I prefer it when people are just straightforward- if they can afford a holiday and I cant, so be it- I can still be happy for them and I would rather they tell me about their holiday so I can share their life, than that they hide it because it shows they have money. I dont think people should be ashamed of having enough money to live nicely.

Edited August 9, 2011 by Peela

[unsinkable]

.

Edited August 9, 2011 by unsinkable

[jenpeterson5]

We do not talk of our finances to others. We think that it is a personal matter. Our parents may know when times are hard but they do not know the extent of it. What good does it do others to know how well off you are or how poor you are? We live in a world that judges. If people know how much you make they begin to wonder why did you purchase that if you only make this much and are having a hard time. Maybe you were blessed with some money and were able to make that purchase or maybe you go a steal of a deal. If you make a lot people tend to wonder why did this person not do this or that with their money. I think we are living in a world where everybody knows everything about everybody (thanks to facebook). What ever happened to privacy!

[Kate CA]

This doesn't make sense to me, could you please explain why you think this is inappropriate?

 

Not Unsinkable, but perhaps she feels this was unfortunate timing because it was posted at the same time that another thread is going on about how truly broke some people are. Some people are genuinely hurting so if it helps for them to talk about it then why does anyone care if they do?

[Tap]

My family is big into not bragging. It is so important to them, that all they do is complain. No one calls each other for happy achievements. No one gets to chatter about the new refrigerator or iPad they just bought.

 

It is just fine to complain about the sour parts of life. If someone mentioned something happy....they immediately tarnish it and make it sound more negative. ie When my sister got her new (gently used) car. Aside from "I got a new car" I only heard about what she didn't like about it, instead of why she picked it out.....:glare:

 

I was determined to not live my life this way. I am very open with everyone about all I am willing to be open about. Money is not something I care a lot about (we are not well off) so I am very open about it.

 

I am genuinely happy for friends who have happy things happen for them. Whether it is getting the new Kindle, a student mastering a task or the bread winner getting a raise, I don't care. I am just happy that wonderful things happen to those that I love.

 

On the flip side, if someone is struggling with a problem, I like that they can talk to me about it. Either for comfort or advice, just to have a sense of community and family, means a lot to me.

 

That is why I like it here. People are more open on a message board.

[HollyM]

In my upbringing I was always told it was not polite conversation to discuss your finances with others and it was particularly impolite to "poor mouth it".

 

My family comes from the backwoods of Alabama and were raised in abject poverty (like no shoes, one meal a day if they were lucky, etc.) and they stil never talked about how poor they were.

 

 

 

 

Well, without coming off like a booger - you really just did talk about your family finances in a historical context. :D

 

We don't share our financial situation with family or neighbors but in an anonymous way I will share vague information. The state of the economy is really effecting a lot of people in this country right now. I think it's important to talk about.

[Liz CA]

I would never ask someone how much they are making nor would I expect to be asked this question.

Discussing how much something cost is slightly different.

[Murphy101]

Not Unsinkable, but perhaps she feels this was unfortunate timing because it was posted at the same time that another thread is going on about how truly broke some people are. Some people are genuinely hurting so if it helps for them to talk about it then why does anyone care if they do?

 

I don't think Heather was complaining about the mention, but rather the implied guilt trip.

 

I didn't respond to the other thread... Maybe I should.

[Heather in Neverland]

Well, without coming off like a booger - you really just did talk about your family finances in a historical context. :D

 

We don't share our financial situation with family or neighbors but in an anonymous way I will share vague information. The state of the economy is really effecting a lot of people in this country right now. I think it's important to talk about.

 

True. :D But it was meant to highlight that THEY (the people it was actually about) didn't talk about it. In fact, it was actually quite difficult for me to find that kind of information about my extended family because they don't talk about it.

 

Their opinion was one of "Most people we know are hurting too so why should we talk about our problems?"

 

I don't think there is anything inherently "wrong" with telling everyone about your finances (even though I was taught it was impolite I am not sure I feel as strongly about it).

 

However, the side effect of this new "openness" is that those who are struggling financially and tell everybody about it get lots of sympathy while those who have escaped the economic downturn (so far) get judged.

 

And my post wasn't about these boards but rather what I am experiencing in real life (and on FB). I guess I was just hurt by my friend's comments.

Edited August 9, 2011 by Heather in NC

[HollyM]

Gah, I couldn't even imagine asking someone how much they made.

 

As far as the general economics of the country go and the rather horrible situation that a lot of people are finding themselves in (myself included), I discuss it heartily because I think we need to show empathy to people who are struggling and if we can't help out financially, at least we can help each other emotionally. Too many stories of family murders/suicides over the stress of everyday life/jobs/money these days. Society has to counteract and help prevent those things somehow I think.

[HollyM]

However, the side effect of this new "openness" is that those who are struggling financially and tell everybody about it get lots of sympathy while those who have escaped the economic downturn (so far) get judged.

 

That may be happening. I don't judge people for having a vacation or spending money however they are able but some may. It would be particularly hurtful if a family member were commenting that way or a friend. I think I might put that down to the individual's personality and make a mental note of it. Anybody who isn't able to share in a person's joy without making them feel guilty is not much of a friend.