helena Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 My mom and step dad seem extremely annoyed that we call to say goodnight to our girls (on the rare occasion they do sleepovers). Last night they got home late so we didn't talk, this morning I called to see how long they can keep the girls and it was tense and weird with them. They wouldn't say what time they'd be ready for us to pick up, which really isn't a big deal. It's just this odd thing they do.. I asked her if something was wrong because she was being over the top vague and she just mumbled. This is part of a bigger problem. I know they want to take the girls for out of town trips. But, for a variety of reasons, I'm not yet comfortable with that. We're certainly not getting any closer when they can't have a sleep over without these types of itchy scratchy experiences. I can't talk to hubby about this, he'll get mad that they're doing it again. So, what do you think? We don't pester. Just a goodnight. And a call the next day to figure out where and when to pick up. They're 9 and 12 btw. :bigear: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Nope. If they go out of town w/ ils (they don't spend the night w/ anyone else; they've only been out of town w/ ils 2-3 times in 10yrs), we call or they call maybe once a day. More than that seems to slightly annoy them, but that doesn't bother me. Sounds like you might have something else going on, though. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangerine Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Sounds like you might have something else going on, though. :grouphug: That's what I thought too. Do they resent the limited sleepovers, and the phone call irritates them because of it? Do they think you are otherwise too restrictive? One phone call to say goodnight hardly seems to warrant such annoyance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrs.m Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I say goodnight before dropping them off. If they are doing an extended stay, we do call in the evening to talk to them. But just because that's what we do means that what you do is wrong. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 (edited) Yes I do whether it is family or not. I don't care who it bothers they are my kids. If anyone family or friends had an issue or acted weird then the kids just wouldn't go back. I owe no one an explanation or an apology. I am just that mean I guess. ETA We don't do friend sleepovers really unless it is at my house and haven't done family sleepovers in a while because we moved out of state away from their dad. My mom lives on the same property and the one time my two youngest wanted to sleepover they called at midnight and wanted to come home. In IN they stayed with my sister and I called every night. Once I let their dad take them to visit his mother a few hours away and I didn't like the way things were going so I had them brought back home. I have never had the whole inlaws/grandparent issue that others seem to have because it has never been allowed. I hate to sound rude but it was made very clear when the first was born, these are my children whatever that is done with them is my choice you will deal with it or simply not be in their life. Which is why their dads mom has had very little interaction with them and the rest of his family has had basically none. My other sister and brother have had little to do with them as well. Edited July 31, 2011 by clarkacademy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Well, the only ppl that Diva or the Littles have spent an overnight with is SpecialMama...she came here and minded them overnight while Wolf and I went away (what a glorious gift that was!). We didn't call. If it were more than one night, then yeah, we probably would. If Wolf is away overnight, then he calls home to say goodnight. That being said, anyone that acted like my calling to speak to my children was an impostion wouldn't be having them anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gailmegan Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Yes I do whether it is family or not. I don't care who it bothers they are my kids. If anyone family or friends had an issue or acted weird then the kids just wouldn't go back. I owe no one an explanation or an apology. I am just that mean I guess. :iagree: My older two sleep at my parents' house sometimes. I always call to say goodnight. My parents don't seem to mind at all. Sometimes my boys call me to tell me what they've been doing. I usually talk to my mom at least once a day anyway. We are a close family, so it's no big deal. But if it did upset my parents and cause a problem, my boys wouldn't stay over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Nope. But that's because I don't want to start a round of , "I miss my Mommy!" sobbing affair that's hard to resolve. If I call I just ask my mom if things are going well and call it a night. I try not to interfere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helena Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 I'm always trying to get them to make time for sleep overs and visits, but it's hard to get them to make time. They're both busy a lot, and they mostly enjoy doing they're own thing. Which makes it all that more odd that they're like this when they do have them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Well, I'm a flight attendant so my kids are used to me being away overnight. I don't always call; sometimes it's easier for the other adult if I don't. This is especially true at bedtime or in the evening. Both kids always know they can ask to call me whenever, though, and the adults have always respected that. If I'm going to call, I usually do it in the morning or afternoon. I text my oldest goodnight most nights, though, and we text throughout the day when I'm at work. My youngest doesn't have her own phone, but I send her texts via the adult who is watching her -- just little "I'm thinking of you" pictures or messages. My oldest is the same age as yours, and my youngest is a few years younger than your youngest. In my case, it seems that to call nightly would be more about me than it would be for them - as evidenced by my desire to call them nightly, though in practice I wait for them to call me (which isn't nightly!) To me it's akin to waking a sleeping baby. If they need me, they know how to reach me. I do let my kids travel with my parents and siblings, though. Fairly often. Overnights with cousins are the norm, weekend or week-long vacations aren't unusual either. It's all about what one is comfortable with. ETA: maybe it's just a miscommunication thing with your parents. Do they feel like you're calling to check up on them, if somewhat indirectly, by speaking to the kids? Maybe you are, maybe you're not, but perhaps it's an easy enough thing to work out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 The only one who stays overnight right now is DD7....and that's only with my parents. And yes, I call to say goodnight each time she stays over there. And I also ask my mom how she's been, did she eat well, has she behaved, etc. She's MY kid and if there is ever a problem with that (which, there's not) then I'd be thinking about not letting her sleep over anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 When mine are away, I usually talk to them daily. They're older now but when they were young, it was usually right after dinner but not necessarily a set time. Not during the bedtime routine though, as that would have been harder for my parents to get them settled down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natalieclare Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I like my kids to call me, but if they don't, I don't really worry about it. My away-for-the-night kids are older, though. My little ones had their fist sleepover ever, at my parents' house recently. I didn't call. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helena Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 Well, I'm a flight attendant so my kids are used to me being away overnight. I don't always call; sometimes it's easier for the other adult if I don't. This is especially true at bedtime or in the evening. Both kids always know they can ask to call me whenever, though, and the adults have always respected that. If I'm going to call, I usually do it in the morning or afternoon. I text my oldest goodnight most nights, though, and we text throughout the day when I'm at work. My youngest doesn't have her own phone, but I send her texts via the adult who is watching her -- just little "I'm thinking of you" pictures or messages. My oldest is the same age as yours, and my youngest is a few years younger than your youngest. In my case, it seems that to call nightly would be more about me than it would be for them - as evidenced by my desire to call them nightly, though in practice I wait for them to call me (which isn't nightly!) To me it's akin to waking a sleeping baby. If they need me, they know how to reach me. I do let my kids travel with my parents and siblings, though. Fairly often. Overnights with cousins are the norm, weekend or week-long vacations aren't unusual either. It's all about what one is comfortable with. ETA: maybe it's just a miscommunication thing with your parents. Do they feel like you're calling to check up on them, if somewhat indirectly, by speaking to the kids? Maybe you are, maybe you're not, but perhaps it's an easy enough thing to work out? I think this is part of the problem. I can't wrap my head around it. I want them to go, I love alone time without the kids, I trust them all. I just want to say goodnight. It's a non-issue with my ILs. Just a quick happy chat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXBeth Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 No, although I would want them to allow the kids to call us any time they asked (which they would). Just out of curiosity, why wouldn't you arrange the pickup time/place beforehand instead of calling the next morning to figure it out? That would annoy me if I were the babysitter. I agree with PPs, though, that it sounds like there is more going on here. If you feel they do not clearly understand that YOU are the parents and THEY are the grandparents/relatives, then I would not allow any more sleepovers until that is resolved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helena Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 No, although I would want them to allow the kids to call us any time they asked (which they would). Just out of curiosity, why wouldn't you arrange the pickup time/place beforehand instead of calling the next morning to figure it out? That would annoy me if I were the babysitter. I agree with PPs, though, that it sounds like there is more going on here. If you feel they do not clearly understand that YOU are the parents and THEY are the grandparents/relatives, then I would not allow any more sleepovers until that is resolved. My mom gets vague and noncommittal. I kind of think it's a tiny bit of a power play. I don't know. I hate thinking ugly things like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Twelve years old? No. Nine, maybe. They are your kids, and wherever they are, you should be able to have complete access to them at any time. Period. It's wrong for your mom to get bent out of shape. Maybe she thinks you don't trust her with your kids? My kids are finally old enough where I would not worry about them on vacation with grandparents. (Mostly, haha.) I would not have done it when they were ages of your kids. It would work for some families. But for my kids' grandparents, we wouldn't have considered it. It seems like your parents have their own boundary issues. Since you're the parent, I would discuss this with my husband, and I would avoid sleepovers. Yes, I'd be quite annoyed at my mom for making a big deal out of something that is nothing. And with her current reaction/response, I would definitely not feel comfortable sending them on vacation together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I can't talk to hubby about this, he'll get mad that they're doing it again. So, what do you think? We don't pester. Just a goodnight. And a call the next day to figure out where and when to pick up. They're 9 and 12 btw. :bigear: No, we don't call. I think 9 & 12 is old enough that you can say when you drop them off (or when Grandma & Grandpa pick them up): "Have a good time and a good night at Grandma & Grandpa's house. See you tomorrow." And leave it at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I also wonder if something else is going on... Maybe they don't think you trust them, perhaps? But I always called my kids when they stayed over night with grandparents when they were younger. (Those were about the only overnights they did.) My parents appreciated that I was checking in, and thought it was sweet. Occasionally, I didn't call them though (if we had evening plans, or whatever), and that was fine too. They didn't start to worry that something had happened to us! Now that they are older -- ha, I don't call my teens anymore if they're on an overnight, but I'll usually send them a little "good night, I love you" text message.:) (And 9 times out of 10, they respond, and want to continue a little back and forth text exchange!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Nope, but its cause my kids dont wanna talk to me :D They have been at my moms for 7 days and are headed to my aunts today for 7 days. I have talked ot them twice and Skyped once. They are having too much fine to miss me or talk to me. Bums I see nothing wrong with calling them everynight though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Always! If I don't call them the family members have them call me. The only time I have ever not called my kids to say good night was when they were at bible camp. THere was no way to call them BUT on the last night ds called me, he said he missed our night time good nights and borrowed a counsellor's cell phone. Even when ds went camping in the rv for a week with aunty. She would text me letting me know when he was getting ready for bed so I could call him and say good night and hear how his day went etc. This is our routine and luckily family not only accepts but but encourages it. I wouldn't let them go for sleepovers/trips if they acted like that when I wanted to say good night. Ds turns 13 in a couple weeks, and we both still enjoy that night time ritual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXBeth Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 My mom gets vague and noncommittal. I kind of think it's a tiny bit of a power play. I don't know. I hate thinking ugly things like that. Aha. In that case, I wouldn't drop them off until pickup had been arranged. "I want y'all to enjoy your day together, and they can stay as long as you like, but I need to make plans for our day tomorrow, so we need to arrange the pickup time now." Then just don't leave until she tells you what time to pick them up. Considering the ages of your girls, I wouldn't insist on a "goodnight" for my own sake; but if your girls like it, then I wouldn't let Grandma's feelings get in the way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiCO Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 My mom and step dad seem extremely annoyed that we call to say goodnight to our girls (on the rare occasion they do sleepovers). I don't call to say good-night, and I haven't since my kids were 3 (when they started staying w/relatives without me.) They know they can call me anytime, but they don't. I think they are having too much fun to miss me! That said, I don't know why your mom would have a problem with you calling to say good-night. Seems like a normal thing to do, regardless of age. This is part of a bigger problem. I know they want to take the girls for out of town trips. But, for a variety of reasons, I'm not yet comfortable with that. We're certainly not getting any closer when they can't have a sleep over without these types of itchy scratchy experiences. I wouldn't let people take my kids out of town who didn't want me calling them. We don't pester. Just a goodnight. And a call the next day to figure out where and when to pick up. I think you should have a talk with your mom, and ask her why she seems to be upset by this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Nope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 (edited) Sometimes. :) And sometimes I ask for my goodnight hugs and kisses when I drop them off. As for pick-up time, if it became a problem I'd just say, "I'll pick them up at 3 tomorrow. See you then." Cat Edited July 31, 2011 by myfunnybunch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Are your kids very upset after they hang up with you? Do your parents have a hard time getting them to sleep? My parents got upset when I would call at night because the youngest would cry. That was a bad choice on my part and I just called right before dinner instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 Nope. Honestly, part of why I think it's good to have them spend the night away with grandparents is because it's a safe place for the dc to gain a bit of independence from mom & dad. My dc know I love them, every single night, no matter where they are, and even when we're apart. If I were your parents, the calls might annoy me, especially if I felt that you were doing it in order to check up on whether I was doing a good job with them. Is it possible you've given that impression? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 :) Yes! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
black_midori Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 I would absolutely NOT call to say goodnight, period. That is the worst time, IMO, to call them. If you want to talk, do it before you drop them off or during the "fun" part of the day. Call when all they want to say is "Mom we're having an awesome time - gotta go!". Call in the morning after they have gotten up and started playing to say good morning. But DON'T call right before they go to bed!! That's the hardest time for kids to just settle back and sleep and be away from parents - why make it so much more difficult? From my experiences (both with mine spending the night and with others spending the night here) - if parents call earlier in the day the kids are fine - and are fine for the night. If parents call at the end of the day, kids get fussy & start to feel like they really need to go home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiegirl Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 We don't call but my kids call us to say goodnight. It used to bother my in-laws but they have learned to live with it. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delighted3 Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 No, I don't call. They enjoy their time away and I enjoy my break. Mine are 9 and 12 too. Arrangements for pick up are made at drop off, so a call isn't needed for that either. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 We routinely called every night at a sleepover just before bed until they reached about age 12...then we just sort of tell them to call us if they need us and we'll see them in the morning....we mainly did that b/c we said their prayers with them each night and it gave them comfort to have a 'routine' and to know Mom & Dad give this praying thing a good deal of importance...after age 12 they are now in the habit of saying their prayers on their own... It is obviously their problem of thinking you are checking up on their 'grandparenting' skills and trying to get 'word' about how they're doing...even the simplest question like "What are y'all doing?" would be mistaken for "What good/bad things are they making you do?" by rather paranoid people...the only thing you can do is bend over backwards praising their grandparenting and saying how much fun the kids had while there...be sensitive to the types of questions you ask...they're always listening with a bended ear! With time, it should improve.. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 My mom and step dad seem extremely annoyed that we call to say goodnight to our girls (on the rare occasion they do sleepovers). Last night they got home late so we didn't talk, this morning I called to see how long they can keep the girls and it was tense and weird with them. They wouldn't say what time they'd be ready for us to pick up, which really isn't a big deal. It's just this odd thing they do.. I asked her if something was wrong because she was being over the top vague and she just mumbled. This is part of a bigger problem. I know they want to take the girls for out of town trips. But, for a variety of reasons, I'm not yet comfortable with that. We're certainly not getting any closer when they can't have a sleep over without these types of itchy scratchy experiences. I can't talk to hubby about this, he'll get mad that they're doing it again. So, what do you think? We don't pester. Just a goodnight. And a call the next day to figure out where and when to pick up. They're 9 and 12 btw. :bigear: EK is 16yo (17 in October) and either we call/text her or she calls/texts us, usually around bedtime, when she is away from home, even when she is with family. We've always done that. With ER (now 21yo), we usually didn't because he didn't want us to "treat him like a baby". HOWEVER, he is a senior college now, and we still expect to hear from him at least once in a 24-hour period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dustybug Posted July 31, 2011 Share Posted July 31, 2011 My kids are too young for sleepovers, but my DH works a second shift job and calls every night to tell them goodnight, so if they were to be somewhere else, we would call there too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EarleneW Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 My oldest 2 are gone or have friends over most nights during the summer and PS breaks. They really only stay at 2 friends houses, we don't have family close by- No I don't call- They both have phones and call me/text me if they need me, or vise versa. I talk to the 2 moms of my dds friends daily, so I know whats going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 We never called our kids when they stayed elsewhere, nor did they call us. But I'm the mom who kisses her sons and then sends them off to the Canadian wilderness for 6 to 7 weeks of wilderness canoe tripping. I did get one letter this year from my 17-yr old telling me that he had a fairly substantial knife wound (seems someone bumped him while he was using the knife) but that after some deliberation the staff decided not to evacuate him. I rather think I could have done without that information. LOL. Ria (who is looking forward to seeing her 3 youngest sons, 17, 15, 14, in a week and a half) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helena Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 Thanks everyone. It's good to be reminded that it's all about what works for our family. It seems like we're in the normal-ish range. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elise1mds Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Nope, sure don't and never have unless the kids ask me to. Then again, if I *DID* call it wouldn't be a big deal. I agree with Aubrey that there's an underlying issue, and THAT would probably make me a lot more prone to picking up the phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketgirl Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 thanks, you just reminded me to text my dd; she's 11 and no i don't call her when she's at friends' sleep overs but yes if she takes her phone i do send a message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Goodness! I still talk to my dd19 if she is away from home for the night. I'll text her goodnight and she always texts back 'looovvveeee yoooouuuuu mooommmmeeeee'. :lol: I haven't usually called when they have a sleepover at a friends house but when they were at my mom's house, I always called. My mom didn't mind one bit. She chatted about their day as much as the kids! I would have hurt feelings if my mom got annoyed at my calling to say goodnight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiKC Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 No. Do the girls want you to call or would they be sad if you didn't? The situation sounds like it stinks. I'd either just be upfront and talk about it with your parents OR don't call anymore if it doesn't bother you or your girls. Now if you or they really want that call a lot, that's another story. If you bring it up I'd probably just say something like, "I hope it isn't too much of a distraction when we call to say goodnight, but it's something our family always does and is important to us and the girls". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiKC Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 My mom gets vague and noncommittal. I kind of think it's a tiny bit of a power play. I don't know. I hate thinking ugly things like that. Ugh, I can relate to that! I think I'd just set the time myself and say you'll all be doing such-and-such tomorrow and it would work best to pick the kids up at 2pm (or whatever)...so would that work for her? Or maybe don't even add the would it work for her if you think she'll still be vague! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 We never called our kids when they stayed elsewhere, nor did they call us. But I'm the mom who kisses her sons and then sends them off to the Canadian wilderness for 6 to 7 weeks of wilderness canoe tripping. I did get one letter this year from my 17-yr old telling me that he had a fairly substantial knife wound (seems someone bumped him while he was using the knife) but that after some deliberation the staff decided not to evacuate him. I rather think I could have done without that information. LOL. Ria (who is looking forward to seeing her 3 youngest sons, 17, 15, 14, in a week and a half) Do they do this with a group? a club? It sounds like quite the adventure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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