How do you deal with the runaway threat?

[melmichigan]

I am really struggling with one of my DD8's. Whenever things don't go the way she wants (i.e. no TV, or being sent to room for being disrespectful) she threatens to run away. The last time, when I told all of the kids they couldn't watch TV she came out with bags packed. Today she and her sisters in particular were being very mouthy and refused to help clean up so they were sent to their rooms for the night, again she is packing a bag. I think I dealt with it pretty well last time, but now I'm at a loss. :confused:

[sassenach]

I'd probably completely ignore it. If it became habitual, the next time she packed up, I might clean the rest of her room into boxes and bags (since, clearly, she has everything she thinks she needs in her suitcase).

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some of it depends on the dynamics in your family. In my family it would not be mean for me to just say "Write when you find work." My kids know that I would not be buying into the drama if I said that.

[Elvis and Miss Kitty]

My son was about 8 the last time he tried that with me. I was tired of hearing it (and him packing bags). So when he did it, I told him he was welcome to leave, but he was not allowed to take anything that he didn't pay for (including clothes, toys, books, flashlights, or his bike). He thought about it long and hard and realized that he would have to go naked, in the dark and on foot. He apologized and it never came up again.

I know, not very nice on my part but in this case, it worked.

 

This is the same child who told me (when he was about 4) that he wished his father and I would go on to heaven so that he could have some peace (he had to have a lot of discipline that day and was really mad at me).:glare:

 

He's 12 now and hasn't brought up running away in 4 years.

 

Julie

[mom4him]

I am really struggling with one of my DD8's. Whenever things don't go the way she wants (i.e. no TV, or being sent to room for being disrespectful) she threatens to run away. The last time, when I told all of the kids they couldn't watch TV she came out with bags packed. Today she and her sisters in particular were being very mouthy and refused to help clean up so they were sent to their rooms for the night, again she is packing a bag. I think I dealt with it pretty well last time, but now I'm at a loss. :confused:

I had this happen once with my oldest son. He was about 7-8. He threatened to run away from home(I don't remember why he was upset). I offered to help him pack his bag. I told him that I love him but he was expected to obey and if he couldn't and would rather live on the street as no one else really likes a disobedient child well, I would be happy to help him.

 

It was the first and last time it was ever a threat.:lol:

[Heather in Neverland]

Some of it depends on the dynamics in your family. In my family it would not be mean for me to just say "Write when you find work." My kids know that I would not be buying into the drama if I said that.

 

:iagree:

 

I said it to my own mom once when I was little and she simply replied "I'll help you pack".

[Mommee & Baba]

I am alot like many of the other posters here...although it might sound harsh I did something similar as one other poster..

 

both my dd's threatened leaving and I happily went into my closet and pulled out a couple suitcases and took them into their bedroom and sat them down calmly and asked which one did they think would fit the stuff they were going to take...and mentioned that thankfully the both have pullout bars and wheels so it'll make it easier for them to pull along while they walked wherever they were going..

 

Both my dd's when I got to this point looked like this.. :001_huh: and began sobbing.

 

As I unzipped the suitcases and went to put their pillow inside they would plead their sorry to me and hug me and tell me they never want to leave and how they will not say that again.

 

That's the last time that has ever happened. Only needed to happen ONCE with each of my dd's.

 

My dd6 was more upset that I was LETTING her go instead of trying to keep her home. She said "Moms are NOT suppose to let their kids leave"...She's my very spirited one and after my reaction that put her beside herself, she's not once mentioned leaving again.

Edited July 29, 2011 by mamaofblessings

[Mommy22alyns]

Filing away all these ideas for later....

[melmichigan]

:bigear: as a cook what has become a very late dinner.

[Peela]

Just call her bluff, help her pack, tell her you hope she finds work, whatever comes to you in the moment- and welcome her home again.

 

My ds15 actually did "run away" last week- different from an 8yo I know. He was mad with his dad who had disciplined him rather strongly, and he packed his bag and went to friends'. I stayed in contact by texting and actually eventually his dad apologised for the way he handled the situation- it was needed in this case. And ds came home. It was heart wrenching but I realised...it probably wasn't going to be the last time.

[tntgoodwin]

I keep offering my car keys to the girls and tell them they can go where they want, but they have to drive themselves. And not to forget their toothbrush.

[Starr]

You can enjoy endless discussions of where they are going to live and how they are going to eat. Mine were going to move to the school playground. :) And then there is the part about the police bringing them home because the law says they can't live alone on the playground.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Okay, I think *all* of the suggestions in this thread are fun as well as reasonable and appropriate for the most part. They keep things light, require some thinking, and don't allow something that could potentially be scary to hold the family hostage.

 

However, the child in the OP didn't just say this once or twice from what I understand. Additionally, there seems to be the issue of the child being more upset about the punishment than learning so she can do better next time. For some kids, punishment can just be very problematic where the average child can handle a little punishment sprinkled in with average discipline.

 

It just may be that this particular child needs better discipline (teaching/guidance) without the punishment to detract from it.

 

If there are a number of attitude and behavioral issues, you may need to go pretty different. Have you looked at Joanne's website (Get Off Your Butt Parenting)? Parenting A-Z by Jane Nelsen may be an option. And of course, I think Myrna Shure's materials (Raising a Thinking Child and Raising a Thinking PreTeen) are helpful. If the issues are really causing a disruption to the household, you might try Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather Forbes. I wish I had found that last one years ago.

 

Hope some of this helps.

[Night Elf]

What is it about that age? I was about 7 or 8 when I threatened to run away. My mom didn't move as I packed my little suitcase. She said goodbye when I walked out of the house. I made it halfway around the corner and was tired of holding it. I realized I didn't have permission to sleep at a friend's house :tongue_smilie: and so I had to go back home because I didn't have anywhere to go.

 

I like the idea of talking logistics. Personally, I'm afraid of the dark so the idea of being outside at night all by myself is totally unappealing. And the ground gets wet at night. And bugs fly around. Ewww. (Can you tell that camping is a huge NO for me?) And I couldn't watch tv or be on the computer. Gosh, just this afternoon I told my DH I wanted to run away, but now I'm rethinking that. :D I don't have enough cash on me to even pay for a hotel for 1 night.

 

Sorry I can't be more help. That's one parenting issue I don't have personal experience with. (is it okay to end my sentence with a preposition?)

[Rosie_0801]

Geez. Your kids are behind. :tongue_smilie:

 

By age 2 and a half, I had been tossed out of home *and* I had left of my own accord.

 

Who knows what I'd being doing to get kicked out, but apparently I stood on the front step and cried my little heart out until Mum let me back in.

 

The other time, I left and went walking up the road. Mum panicked and came running after me.

 

You have to be careful what ideas you give them, don't you? :lol:

 

Rosie

[Impish]

Some of it depends on the dynamics in your family. In my family it would not be mean for me to just say "Write when you find work." My kids know that I would not be buying into the drama if I said that.

:iagree:Manipulation doesn't fly. I'd offer to help pack.

[texasmama]

My oldest dd "ran away" when she was 8 (must be the age). She reached the end of the driveway before turning back. I completely ignored it.

[Joanne]

From what I understand of the context of this pattern, here is my opinion.

 

She needs to be talked to in a non-reactive moment. She needs to know that YOU are the BOSS of her. That she doesn't get to manipulate you by threatening to run away when you make decisions that she doesn't like. I'd tell her you are done with this dance.

 

I'd be honest; 8 year old are not safe out there on their own and that you'd immediately retrieve her, and, if that didn't work, you'd call the police.

 

That usually growing up comes with more privileges and responsibilities. But her current behavior (manipulating to get her way, and over-drama) show that she is not ready for increased responsibility.

 

That you'll be happy to help her learn more productive and mature responses to disappointment, but you are not going to continue to allow her to hold you hostage with her threats.

[Oakblossoms]

I tell them to pack clean underwear and give them ten bucks for the road. If they actually take off you can follow them from afar.

[Mynyel]

My son was about 8 the last time he tried that with me. I was tired of hearing it (and him packing bags). So when he did it, I told him he was welcome to leave, but he was not allowed to take anything that he didn't pay for (including clothes, toys, books, flashlights, or his bike). He thought about it long and hard and realized that he would have to go naked, in the dark and on foot. He apologized and it never came up again.

I know, not very nice on my part but in this case, it worked.

 

This is the same child who told me (when he was about 4) that he wished his father and I would go on to heaven so that he could have some peace (he had to have a lot of discipline that day and was really mad at me).:glare:

 

He's 12 now and hasn't brought up running away in 4 years.

 

Julie

 

That is an excellent idea as well! That would make them think!

 

I am alot like many of the other posters here...although it might sound harsh I did something similar as one other poster..

 

both my dd's threatened leaving and I happily went into my closet and pulled out a couple suitcases and took them into their bedroom and sat them down calmly and asked which one did they think would fit the stuff they were going to take...and mentioned that thankfully the both have pullout bars and wheels so it'll make it easier for them to pull along while they walked wherever they were going..

 

Both my dd's when I got to this point looked like this.. :001_huh: and began sobbing.

 

As I unzipped the suitcases and went to put their pillow inside they would plead their sorry to me and hug me and tell me they never want to leave and how they will not say that again.

 

That's the last time that has ever happened. Only needed to happen ONCE with each of my dd's.

 

My dd6 was more upset that I was LETTING her go instead of trying to keep her home. She said "Moms are NOT suppose to let their kids leave"...She's my very spirited one and after my reaction that put her beside herself, she's not once mentioned leaving again.

 

Another good idea. I would try these ideas the next time it happens! :)

[Haiku]

My dd17 has said several times in the past (from age 12-about 15) that she was moving out the day she turned 18. My response was either, "Good luck getting a job, paying for a place to live, and finishing high school all on your own" or, "Don't let the door hit your @ss on the way out."

 

She hasn't said that in a long time. I actually told her the other day that she has a year until she turns 18, and during that year she will show us (not tell us; telling is easy, showing is harder) that she can live in this house and treat her brother with respect, and if she can't, she will be leaving the day after her 18th birthday. She's got a pretty good idea, these days, that life here is pretty good compared with doing it all on your own.

 

With a habitual threatener, I'd just ignore it. Totally.

 

Tara

[JessReplanted]

My dad used to say (when talking about other kids who had done crazy things like run away): "If you run away, don't come back."

 

I understand now that he didn't really mean it, but it did get the point across. None of us ever threatened to run away. :lol:

[justamouse]

I ran away when I was about 5. Nana said, "Ok, here's a few nickles."

 

I got a bandanna, packed what I thought I needed and tied it up hobo style on a stick and out the door I went.

 

No one came for me.

 

So I started down the street and made it to the corner where I sat by the wildflowers.

 

Still no one came.

 

I got hungry and went home.

 

Nana said *nothing* she just went about her day as if I had been there the whole time. She was brilliant that way.

[swellmomma]

My son was about 8 the last time he tried that with me. I was tired of hearing it (and him packing bags). So when he did it, I told him he was welcome to leave, but he was not allowed to take anything that he didn't pay for (including clothes, toys, books, flashlights, or his bike). He thought about it long and hard and realized that he would have to go naked, in the dark and on foot. He apologized and it never came up again.

I know, not very nice on my part but in this case, it worked.

 

 

 

This is what I have done too with my dd who has threatened that a) she is running away or b) she is moving in with her dad. I usually say "Have fun, Call me when you get there but you can not take anything you have not bought on your own" That usually sends her storming back into her room until she calms down.

 

My mom tells of the story of when her big brother "ran away" from home when he was around 6. They lived on a navy base and his said he was running away so my gramma packed his bag and sent him out the door. He worked his way down the street knocking on every door and asking if he could live there instead of home. Each time they would say no and send him on to the next house while they called gramma to tell her where he was and that he was safe. He worked his way all the way down one side of the street and back up the other and ended up right back at home because no one else would let him move in. He never "ran away" again.

 

Given things now a days I would not do like my gramma, just because I know my kids enough to know they really would vanish. But we still laugh about that old family story of when my uncle ran away from home.

[Daisy]

My mom knew the way through to my brother was his stomach.

 

She packed him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, walked him to the door, and said, "That will get you through lunch. I don't know what you'll find for dinner, but you'll probably figure it out. If you change your mind, you are always welcome to stay."

 

He sat on the front porch and ate his sandwich. That was the end of that.

[myfunnybunch]

I think 8 is a typical age to talk and think about running away.

 

My sister and I told our mom we were going to run away. She said, "Don't forget your toothbrushes."

 

We got to the end of the long driveway before we started bawling and walked back. She was in the kitchen nonchalantly washing dishes. "Did you decide to stay?"

 

She told us years later that she was watching from the porch wondering what the heck she was going to do if we didn't stop. Then she rushed back to the kitchen.:tongue_smilie:

 

So when my kids said they want to run away, I say, "Don't forget your toothbrush!"

 

Cat

Edited July 29, 2011 by myfunnybunch

[Remudamom]

Let them go, call the police and have them picked up immediately. Mine have never threatened to do this, but I bet this would discourage that threat.

 

My little brother used to run away when he was about four, and he'd hide outside my window so I could feed him. He'd always let me know he "was gonna wun away." Mom always let him go and kept tabs on it.

[Hwin]

I did this a lot. My mom called my bluff. Let me go walk around the neighborhood a bit and finally slink back home (she had a great vantage point of the neighborhood so I was almost always in view). When I got too serious about it, she sat me down and laid out the whole "the police will pick you up and then you will be put in foster care. I don't want that, do you?"

[lakotajm]

When I was about 8, I ran away. But I felt I had a pretty good reason. My stepdad was mean and I was tired of it. But I loved my mom. I remember I didn't make a big to do of it since it wasn't a bluff. I simply left, went to the bank and got my money out of my savings account, bought a loaf of bread, jumped rope outside the library for awhile. Then I realized my mom might think I didn't like HER, when it was about him, so I went to the 5 and dime and got her a pretty necklace and returned home. I had to do the dishes as punishment, but I think my mom was impressed with my pluck!And the costume jewelry cheered her up.:D I was probably gone at least 2 hours. It was a smallish town-5,000 people. I knew the neighborhood well and was used to walking places.

It felt great to be free of my stepdad, if only for awhile. Later, when my big sister was about 13, she ran away-same reason. This was shortly after she was brave enough to report the terrible whippings to our principal and my parents sent her to live with my grandparents. Why are grownups so dense?:confused:

Lakota

I did this a lot. My mom called my bluff. Let me go walk around the neighborhood a bit and finally slink back home (she had a great vantage point of the neighborhood so I was almost always in view). When I got too serious about it, she sat me down and laid out the whole "the police will pick you up and then you will be put in foster care. I don't want that, do you?"

[melmichigan]

Thank you to everyone who responded. This has become a pattern that needs broken. DD decided to leave and headed out the door, but since we are in the middle of the Power Boat Races we are inundated with people everywhere, I wasn't comfortable with her getting out of my sight. I called her back in the house and explained that DH had worked really hard to pay for the shoes and clothes she was wearing, and they would fit her twin so she wasn't leaving with them. So, she called her Grandmother to see if she could wear something she bought. :lol: (Thank you for the clothing suggestion and thank you Grandma!) A fairly good discussion followed and we will be continuing this discussion in the coming days as a few people suggested. She had made a comment about leaving and coming back for camp next week so we also had a discussion about this being a family, not a hotel. My DH will be relieved that this appears to be a pretty common occurance at this age.

[KidsHappen]

I threatened to run away when I was about 6. My mother packed everything I owned and sat it on the front porch in the poaring rain. I never even made it off the porch and I never threatened to leave again ever. None of my kids ever threatened to run away so I haven't had to deal with this myself but I think I would handle it the same way.

[tricia]

This is the same child who told me (when he was about 4) that he wished his father and I would go on to heaven so that he could have some peace (he had to have a lot of discipline that day and was really mad at me).:glare:

 

He's 12 now and hasn't brought up running away in 4 years.

 

Julie

 

I'm sorry but I laughed so hard when I read this. Such a thing a kid would say.